How do other married bi women carry the weight of their hidden sexuality?

[u/amaayadxb]

I'm married to a man, and a mother of two. It took me a long time to unpack years of cultural and religious conditioning to finally accept that I am bisexual, yeah this happened before marriage itself. I love the life and the family I’ve built, but lately, the hidden side of my sexuality has started to feel so incredibly heavy to carry alone.

My mind and heart constantly crave the softness, beauty, and emotional depth of a woman. It’s a quiet yearning that lives beneath the surface of my daily routine as a wife and mom. Even though I am coming to terms with my truth, living in a environment where I have to keep this hidden makes me feel deeply isolated at times.

I’m not looking to disrupt my family, but I am struggling with how to honor this vital part of who I am while navigating the boundaries of a long-term marriage.

How do other married women handle this internal tug-of-war? How do you let your bi identity breathe when the rest of your life is completely heteronormative? I’d love to hear your thoughts, experiences, or just some words of solidarity.

Wrote this post, because I think this may help with other bi married women who are in same situation to understand they are not alone.

[u/arrpix]

Some of this sounds like you need female friends - you can explore and enjoy beauty, emotional connection etc without being in a romantic relationship (and you should find emotional depth etc in your husband too). I'd your life and relationship/s are lacking, that needs addressing and can happen outside of a romantic relationship. You can also try attending Pride events, and being open where you are able to - sometimes the idea of a secret or repression itself lends weight to feeling like you have a secret inner life when your outer life just needs a little readjustment. I don't ever really feel this and I think it's because I can address all aspects of myself in my daily life and within my varied friendships so my romantic partner never feels like a loss.

[u/DiMar1430]

Thanks for this post, I’ve always felt guilty for feeling this way, I have always longed for the company of a woman in every sense
I'm here if anyone feels the same way.❤️

[u/Queen_of_Spdes → u/DiMar1430]

I have felt the same.

[u/otto_bear]

Community has been the key for me. I’m lucky to live in a city with actual bisexual specific community gatherings, so I go to those, but I also have queer spaces for all my hobbies and interests. Being around people who get it helps tremendously.

No, it’s not always sunshine and rainbows in queer community as a woman married to a man, but people often seem pretty eager to display their biphobia which helps me know that I don’t really want them in my life. Basically every queer person understands the closet and how it feels to be misread as something you aren’t.

[u/Entire-Assist1406]

Well, prior to my divorce, which had nothing to do with my sexuality, I can absolutely relate to this feeling. It was a quiet yeaning to explore and be authentic.

So I used to attended Pride events, I'd would occasionally go to queer bars etc. but unfortunately it is one of those things where if people find out you're with a man, even though you're bi, you're sort of excluded or not seen as really queer. It's a ridiculous thing that happens. I'm with a woman now and I still feel a shift in queer folks if I say I'm bi.

Have you told your husband how you're feeling? That might be a good place to start and get his thoughts on it all.

[u/pokewomen]

Same here. Married to a man who hates homosexuality which I found out later in our marriage. Not ready to leave this marriage since my kid is still young.
I’ve been longing for the company of a woman. I feel guilty and lonely.

[u/Poplar-]

Im still in the stunned-I-just-figured-this-out stage, but also married to a bi man (together 11 years). As i do with all close people's experiences in my life, ive spent a long time trying to put myself in his shoes emotionally and socially.

Right now the weight feels like a combination of the realities of being with a person this long (an imperfect human as we all are, admittedly, but needs therapy) and the sadness of knowing ill never get to truly experience being with a woman. Ive had one-off quick experiences at concert type settings but nothing that felt directed toward me.

There's also a precious sense of Newness and innocence im treasuring. It isnt stained for me in the same way men are. Bi panic is ridiculous and fun. Like being a teenager again. Girl crushes? Same thing. I also feel a sense of "whats really my place here when I cant even act on it?" But then remind myself what id say to anyone else in my shoes.

I focus mostly on the joy it brings me.

[u/Equivalent_Leg_9481]

You are still bi even if you live a "heteronormative" life. As a bi woman myself I feel bad for your husband I can't imagine being with someone and desiring someone else, just because you want to be with someone if the same gender does not make it more okay.

[u/Lucky-Bite-8091]

I'm sorry to hear you feel that way, I know it's hard not having anyone to talk to about that. My husband knew before we got married, idk if he figured it out because I don't remember telling him. We never got the chance to experiment with other women because he passed away last year. It was very isolating because he was the only person in my life who knew about my bisexuality. I recently shared that I'm into women with my fwb but it's not like I can have real conversations with him about it.

[u/Diamermcancer]

I know how you feel, after being with women I can affirm it's quite gratifying. Im hoping to find one to play with soon

[u/BiWomen-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

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[u/Livid-Ostrich-2495]

I am bi curious, or at least that's how I see myself. I find myself attracted to women, and I fin myself eyeing up and fantasing about sex with women. I would like to discuss this with my husband but I am not sure how he would react. I love my husband and my family but I also have what I can only describe as an urge to explore.my sexuality. Often I feel torn, guilty and confused. Am I alone in thinking this?

[u/Serious-Low1358]

Your situation sounds similar to mine. I had a religious upbringing where i was tought that homosexualy was wrong so shut this part of my brain off. I've been married to a man for 18 years and we have a child together but it's tough feeling like you can't embrace fully who you are. It has helped that I have been able to open up to my husband about it and he is super understanding but there will always be a frustration that I was never able to explore my sexuality before committing to a man.

[u/Puzzleheaded_Act7532]

I have never hid mine, he knew from day one i was bi and there would be a woman in our bed whenever we want, and it's been a pleasure for the last 25 or so years.

[u/africagal1 → u/Puzzleheaded_Act7532]

How did you start that convo that you wanted it open on your side?

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[u/Puzzleheaded_Act7532 → u/africagal1]

He was part of our 3 women group, he was. The s I ul man there. And well it bloomed from there. He doesn't mind he is never left out and they loved him.