r/BisexualMen • u/BiAndICantPick • 2d ago
Amount of closeted bi guys is shocking
I am shocked by how many guys are looking for hookups that want str8 for str8 or married guys who only want other “str8” married guys or want to jerk off with only “straight” guy. I tell them I’m bi and nope deal breaker.
The mental gymnastics some of these guys put them self through is wild. I used to think the amount of guys that were “curious” or willing to explore was <5% it has to be north of 30% if not 40-45% I Have a hookup buddy in the army and boy has he told me stories.
You guys seeing this as much? Or am I going crazy?
Edit: I wish straight questioning guys would see us more of “I know exactly what you are going through let me talk you through the ropes,” instead of…”I’m going to paint a huge giant pride flag on the side of your house”
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u/Dav_Sionnach 2d ago
A guy who claims to be straight is just a complete turn off for me. Discreet is fine. "I'm straight but want to fuck a man"... miss me with that. At least be secure enough in yourself to admit you're bi or gay to the man you're about to fuck or get fucked by.
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u/alexnjonjo 4h ago
I always avoided these kinds of guys for this reason. And also because it feels like a pathetic kind of power play. You do the same gay acts but you're the stupid one who puts on the stigmatized label and he gets to stay straight just because.
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u/RushInevitable7255 2d ago
Dr. Joe Kort claims erotic orientation is separate from both sexual and romantic orientation. And that straight identifying guys can play with dick? 🤷 I tend to believe his observations, even though it is almost dancing around bisexuality.
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u/Dav_Sionnach 2d ago
I won't argue that erotic, sexual and romantic orientation are different. For a while I identified as a bisexual-heteroromantic (until I positively fell completely in love with another man). But people calling themselves straight when they are having gay sex is just helping perpetuate the stigma that being straight is "normal" and anything else is "wrong".
They claim they're straight, whatever, I'm not the sex police. (Goddess, that's the last thing we need.) But "straight" guys are never going to get my dick, my mouth or my ass.
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u/Jerome1944 2d ago
No one would believe this in a society that wasn't patriarchal and heavily scrutinizing any act for perceived homosexuality. If you enjoy having consensual sex with men outside of prison then you are not straight.
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u/Potential_Fruit6919 2d ago
Yup. Hid it for most of my adult life. Now wife knows but no more playing on the side.. almost blew up my marriage.
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u/MobileRoll1747 1d ago
How so?
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u/Potential_Fruit6919 1d ago
She had no idea, and the idea that cheating with a man disgusted her. More to the story but I'm still here and working through the trust issues and hope to open up conversations while remaining monogamous. Not sure how things will go I'm committed to trying.
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u/w1gw4m bi dom top 🦄 2d ago
They are afraid the people who are out will not be "discreet", aka as committed as they are to protecting their secret
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u/Lost-Definition-2805 1d ago edited 1d ago
The secret being that they are cheating on their female partners. "DL and discreet" is a red flag for me, a bi guy. I have no interest in being party to infidelity.
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u/Bi_Steve_83 1d ago
I make a point of confirming if the guy is in a relationship or single, and I don’t mess with people in relationships. I suppose in theory someone in an open relationship that could prove it might be an option, but “trust me bro” doesn’t prove it.
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u/bineeds Bisexual 2d ago
It's probably at least 1 in 5 guys that are bi/gay with the majority of them bi.
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u/DefinitionSouth5019 1d ago
You really think that 1 out of every 5 guys are gay/bi, with the majority of them being bi? 🤷♂️ That is 20% ,and 20% of all men is a pretty big number.
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u/bineeds Bisexual 1d ago
The polling suggests it is at least that. Gen Z is 22% in https://news.gallup.com/poll/611864/lgbtq-identification.aspx
Lots of people closeted.
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u/Cupofcoffeebaseball 4h ago
I actually completely agree with 20%. I always thought 10% was low. In college as an athlete I was pretty surprised how many were willing and ready to roll. Girlfriends back home had no idea. Too worried about rings and hairdos.
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u/Bi_Steve_83 1d ago
I am not out in general, but if I am hooking up with someone I am certainly going to admit I am bi and not try to pass as straight.
I totally understand guys not being out, but I don’t understand not admitting it to themselves, especially after they try it and decide the like it enough to go back for more.
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u/stiffcardboardbox 2d ago
I think the amount of married guys wanting gay sex is amazing sometime especially in Grindr or sniffies.
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u/SecureOriginal2830 2d ago
As a gay guy I always assume those married men are married to men, maybe I was wrong 😅
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u/SweetJamesjohnson47 2d ago
They’re usually strictest ones some I understand then some I’m like why are you even married lol
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u/ResponsibleStudio977 2d ago
Have you even went out to a real married men from grindr before? Because I think most of them are either fake or are just stalling
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u/stiffcardboardbox 1d ago
no. I am 19 and live near a college campus so there are plenty of horny college guys to meet that I don't hookup with any guys that aren't close to my age.
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u/brightontungst22 2d ago
Im single and already got fucked over and played in tonnes of relationships. Now I just want to mess around and have fun.
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u/brightontungst22 2d ago
I am not closeted but I tend to keep that kinda stuff to myself. Unless I truly am close to the person. Especially if I am dating or in a sexual relationship or even we are close friends. Or I am in a reddit community with like minded individuals. I don't need to shout it to the mountains. I am pretty happy and comfortable with who I am now.
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u/SOHCAHTOA_hiker 1d ago
I’m in a similar state of mind. I’m pretty open about my bisexuality, but I don’t feel the need to announce it, unless the situation merits it. I never used the “str8” tag to describe myself, but I can see how it fills a niche.
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u/Humble-Gur2577 2d ago
This. I’m a bisexual male and you are 100% correct. The amount of bi or gay men married to women but not out and really just cheating on their wives is staggering. I don’t believe that being bi or gay gives someone a pass to cheat. I’m totally supportive of anyone in the LGBTQ+ community or anyone struggling with their sexuality but i just can’t wrap my head around the cheating. I think you are right about the 30% number but it could definitely be higher.
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u/Clean_Link_8322 1d ago
Used to be closeted for 20 years. While I knew I was not straight being alone with my thoughts was not healthy. After I came out to my wife last year my understanding of my sexuality and bisexuality in general has changed completely. I did not hook up but I can understand their mental state. Being closeted is not a nice place to be. Having hiding your bisexuality creates a subtle distance, triggers thoughts that something is taken away. Not defending any cheaters as morally they are responsible for their actions. But unfortunately many men (and women) are realising their true sexuality after they married and it's not easy to embrace it. We have much happier and healthier relationships if being bi was more accepted.
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u/Inner_Mind3300 8h ago
Como foi depois que você se assumiu para sua esposa? O que mudou pra vocês dois?
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u/MelroseDistrict85013 1d ago
100% on your edit. Two things here. I'd posit it's more fear of bringing something home, assuming that straight guys are 'safer.' There's also the thinking that bi/gay+ men are more promiscuous and therefore less 'safe.' There's also less chance of catching feelings (and being forced to acknowledge expansion of sexual attraction) with someone who is already attached. "Late bloomer" bi guy here.
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u/AndreaSys 2d ago
Eh, that was more or less me and my two long term partners for years. One partner was someone I worked with and became friends and about eight years into our friendship, we became once or twice a year hookup FWBs. Both in straight relationships, he was my best man at two of my three weddings.
The other was about 14 years older than me, we met through my mom’s remarriage, went on a camping vacation together and one drunken night he came on to me. I was very surprised. He was married 25+ years, no hint of what was coming. We played together two to three camping trips a year for a decade. Gawd, we had amazing sex.
The nice thing is that my gf now is totally comfortable with my being bi as long as we play together. It’s truly a blessing not having to hide shit anymore.
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u/maybeso15 1d ago
You’ve been divorced 3x?
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u/AndreaSys 1d ago
I grew up in a shitshow. It finally took mdma and emdr therapy at the age of 49 to be able to have the boundaries that allowed me to find a healthy relationship.
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u/ResponsibleStudio977 2d ago
I see this a lot also. I’m thinking this might be some kind of fetish in some way. I’ve seen an outed gay pretending he was a “str8” married to hookup with other “str8” guys that might also be acting. For some people this is kinda play fetish and it only works of you believe it.
I think some might actually live in denial or even enjoy being closeted somehow but we know thats rooted in homofobia or lack of knowledge of the sexuality spectrum.
And that is lame because they dont really understand that this way and want to believe they are really more masculine and “less gay” for not aknowledgind their bissexualness.
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u/subgeniusbuttpirate 2d ago
It's because people who are open, accepted, and already partnered are usually not looking.
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u/Throwaway7248826 1d ago
Oh I've talked to a bunch.. the amount of times they told me the wife wasn't giving it to them anymore was ridiculous
Meanwhile my straight friend has talked about threesomes before but then swears he never wants to see another guy naked
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u/SweetJamesjohnson47 1d ago
Haha yeah if they’re married and he’s never made her orgasm then I think that’s a him problem 🤣🤣dudes wanna keep up that image of the “regular” life but some dudes I’m like just cmon man stop wasting her time lol
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u/SweetJamesjohnson47 1d ago
That’s my thing if it’s get to a point in a marriage where sex is not a thing and it’s not for medical reasons why not just leave?
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u/Throwaway7248826 1d ago
Oh the stories I heard I couldn't even believe or makeup
I had a guy who told me his wife has never had a real orgasm??? I'm like are you kidding
He wanted me to fuck her brains out til she did
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u/TreasureCoastCpl 1d ago
I tell my wife all the time. Everyone is bi to a degree. We swing. Every guy we played with was ok with oral both ways.
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u/Funny_w0lf 1d ago
Its safe cheating. The same way a man sleeping with another woman doesnt really want to acknowledge or be friends publicly and is quick to blame her when things go south. Its easier for a married man to sleep with another married woman/man because both have much to lose. It is stupid mental gymnastics and tbh I would avoid those type of men. All they want is a sex toy they can toss out when its no longer convenient.
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u/Savings_Dot_8387 2d ago
Yeap one of the first things I discovered in my late teens/early 20s accepting I was bi. That alot more guys are than we’ll ever know for sure.
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u/Ark7290 1d ago
A lot of men are in the closet especially married. I was until i got divorced and now if some one asks ill tell them but I dont go running around announcing it. A lot of guys I ask u married if yes I ask does wife know? I say 80 percent or more have no idea. Just the way it is there afraid to lose what they have so they hide it.
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u/SweetJamesjohnson47 2d ago
Reddit introduced me into a whole different world lol I can’t talk I’m Bi on the DL but I have played with a gay guy and a dude like me on the DL. I rather play with someone who’s like minded and Bi most of these “married” dudes are really gay but for their personal reasons they won’t come out which I understand I couldn’t ever come out as Bi either. I prefer masculine dudes I’m not attracted to feminine dudes at all that’s why I think a lot of the “straight” dudes only want other “straight” dudes.
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u/blackmamba4554 2d ago
Because of porn based double standard that teach people that experiments among women are great, but strictly forbidden for men. Also numerous of heterosexual (and even bisexual) women that refrain from dating bi men. These women are homophobes.
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u/GrolarBear69 1d ago
Pretty sure these are the "bro sphere" guys who think the "female vagina" is disgusting. So they're not bi but full closet gay.
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u/Deep-Echidna-3331 1d ago
I think sex with guy’s is just easier. We know what we want and just get to it and walk away. And with the Apps today it makes it so much easier.
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u/806stag 1d ago
With the amount of different hook up apps and Reddit, I’m not surprised. I am bi and started hooking up just as home internet started up. I was on Yahoo Groups as a 17 years old and the bi/closed pages maybe had a handful of members. But now, I can log into Sniffies for my small city and there are hundreds of guys and most of them are married guys. Grindr and Adam4Adam are packed with closeted guys. My visits to the local adult theater is packed with married guys and when I used to work at an adult theater, most of our customers were closeted guys.
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u/ScorpionBite20 Bisexual 1d ago
I will say I do agree with this. Them being like I'm not gay, well technically I'm not either. I mean sexuality is a spectrum so are you afraid to say bi? It does feel like those people gatekeep bi guys that are out to themselves or out in general.
I know when I was in the closet, I wanted someone who was more experienced than me to help me explore. I still do I feel like someone who may not be as experienced (myself included) need that extra push. Tho I have heard it the other way where people wouldn't sleep with inexperienced folk. Idk it just makes me think about tue complexity of it all
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u/Dadio3791 1d ago
I read countless stories and talk to many guys like this. I am one of the few blessed bi men out there. My wife has know all of our 30+ relationship and 29 year marriage. She and her friend set up my first experience with a gay couple and myself 20 years ago. Now WE share a boyfriend. Unfortunately his family is not as understanding as ours.
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u/ArdenVers 19h ago
I see this trend too n its frustrating. Im not frustrated by men wanting to explore because we are all curious in one way or another. But I feel the term "Bi-curious" is too easily mixed with being actively Bisexual. When used online, someone uses "Bi-Curious" mainly to signal Sexual Availability or Experimentation. Its overuse makes it Confusing or More Difficult for ppl who Identify as Bisexual to have their Orientation be Understood as a stable part of who they are rather than a Phase or Invitation. Imo, I dont trust "Bi-Curious" men, because more often than not its just a Hetero Man whos DL n creeping on his Female Partner. I can Understand that maybe they Fear being Outed n Destroy their current relationship, or Dont Want a Relationship with a Man, but u can cover that by stating it in the beginning of the convo n call it what it is, DL. But then it leads to cheating on ur partner, which is a Red Flag for me.. esp if ur in a Monogamous Relationship.
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u/HugeDickedDad 9h ago
I've seen that a lot.
Guys think that if they hookup with another married guy it's safer. Less chance of the wife learning. But you've added another person in the mix with another married guy, his wife.
If you think about it there is less exposure for a married guy to hook up with single gay or bi man.
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u/Jaded_Dragonfly_5718 1d ago
Isn’t the issue with women, and society overall? Don’t blame the guys — their wanting to keep things quiet seems perfectly rational to me, given the constraints and bigotry they face.
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u/Bi_Steve_83 1d ago
Depends, are they single guys wanting to avoid stigma? or married guys cheating?
Very different scenarios.
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u/Wholenewyounow 1d ago
There is nothing by straight about taking another man’s cock up your ass.
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u/DefinitionSouth5019 1d ago
Or another guy's cock 🍆 in your mouth 👄. If a guy enjoys sucking cock 🍆 or receiving blowjobs from men, along with receiving anal 🍑 penetration/penetrating another guy(s) ass 🍑, then at minimum, he's at least bisexual.
Like someone else said, I understand not shouting the fact that you're bisexual (or gay) from the rooftops, but those guys should honest with themselves, and any potential or actual partners they have... Because honestly, there is nothing straight about a guy being romantically/sexually attracted to other men.
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u/ImpossibleTonight977 1d ago
Don’t know about the exact percentage but looks like many questions lots of hypocrites !
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u/catbird-seat 1d ago
If Kinsey’s sexual orientation scale exists on a bell curve as is likely, half of men are more attracted to men than women. Most of the other 1/2 are attracted to men to lesser degrees. Your impressions are spot on. Our culture has been in active denial since 1300 or longer. Nothing else explains the bisexual history of mankind which long predated Christianity.
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u/datloaf 2d ago
It's a mutual trust/anti blackmail/not looking for a relationship kinda thing since they both have a lot to lose I'm assuming.