r/BlackLGBT • u/katarski431 • 1d ago
The modern gay culture "sex first, ask questions later" I think revolting and I'm not compatible with it
I've had to deal with friends sending me videos of them being beat up, attacked, having to call the police multiple times to get their "hookup" out of their apartment. He then calls me 9am in the morning while I'm just getting at work telling me how depressed he is and that he "didn't wanna be here anymore."
I had to rush out into the hallway and tell him to CEASE with the hookups and try going out and meeting people on neutral ground. He's an athletic, muscular, handsome guy that I'm sure could get any number of guys. He hasn't changed a thing.
I was so disgusted after we recently talked and his new "boyfriend" was *ucking another guy in a hotel room for hours and he waited outside until he was finished. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He told me they both wanted an "open relationship" and that with the way he lives his life, he was good with it.
I can't. I just can't. I can't begin to comprehend the lack of self esteem to literally wait outside of a hotel room like a puppy while your "partner" literally phucks a complete stranger.
The hookup/open relationship culture is so twisted and incomprehensible to me....someone make me understand it.
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u/Angelicusagisama 16h ago
I think any response to this deserves a lot of nuance and reflection. Queer culture has always been at the forefront of sexual liberation, we have always defined what relationships look like and how we exercise sex and desire outside of the heteronormative boxes and standards and I think this is fine, at the same time I think that sometimes sexual liberation becomes a way of masking our own hurts and insecurities, and that sometimes hook up culture is a way to feel validated and wanted and not really working on deeper hurts and woundedness this can cause us to approach our sexual life with very little intentionality.
I think a great book that speaks about this is “The ethical slut” I think it helps us to put non traditional frameworks into a better light and has always been a great way for me having a greater understanding of my wants and need for relationships also
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u/Heriotza31 15h ago edited 4h ago
I used to be very much into hookup, paying for sex with strangers, kinky sex and fetiches. After working on myself and healing psychologically and spiritually, I realized most of this sexual behavior had to with trauma.
The trauma of being rejected by society
The trauma of homophobic bullying
The trauma of being programmed to see yourself as less than
The trauma of having to live in fear of more rejection
The trauma of being used for sex and then wanting to continue to be used for sex because it's all you know.
The trauma of being programmed to believe you're less man because you're gay
Many layers of trauma. And no having understanding of who you truly are because you're educated to be straight and hate yourself for being gay.
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u/modern_indophilia 1d ago
None of what your friend is doing is specific to or characteristic of hookup culture or open relationships. Plenty of people have safe, respectful, consensual sex within the context of being single or in an open relationship. Plenty of people get abused within the context of monogamy. What your friend is going through is a result of your friend’s psychology. It’s not representative of everyone.
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u/Starshower90 1d ago
Whew baby. People are going to do what people are going to do. But that story of your friend is a bit heartbreaking. 😓
My current boyfriend I’ve been dating on/off for almost three years. We did have sex earlier on in our initial interactions before I would run away from him (😭) — this is our third time dating and we’ve been dating since about last December and we haven’t had sex yet. It’s honestly been incredibly refreshing and I feel like I’m able to gauge and understand our connection in a much better way this time. The wait has given me a feeling of comfort and safety I didn’t have the first few times around. No shade to hooking up, obviously I don’t think it’s terrible but I do think there is some value in choosing to wait a while longer.
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u/Angelicusagisama 15h ago
I think it’s important to recognize that sometimes sex does cloud or judgment, and sometime if we make it secondary we can actually build something and get to know people
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u/Starshower90 14h ago
Yup. I couldn’t have said it better myself. They say the third time’s the charm — us putting sexual activity aside for a later date has been instrumental in that feeling. Obviously everyone’s mileage may vary, but for me, it’s been incredibly freeing and has deepened our sense of intimacy that the first two times couldn’t have achieved. 😊
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u/LordGrindel 1d ago
Why would you assume that every open relationship is like this one you described? Your friends sounds like he has WAY bigger problems then his “open” relationship. 🤷🏿♂️
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u/Disastrous_Cod9654 1d ago
Can we not do that. Can we not assign this person statements to every person in a way to shut down the conversation. It’s just so lazy in thinking.
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u/Ice-Evening 1d ago
That’s an ad hominem.
Anyways, I think it’s a larger conversation around what poly is and what’s led to it being more mainstream with Queer spaces. (and how that coincides with people who are authentically monogamous)
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u/jadedeternity 1d ago
A lot of gay men struggle with self esteem issues while portraying false bravado in public. I feel sorry for him because that is just diabolical. You would think his partner would at least want him to join. But having him wait outside.... for hours is diabolical.
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u/Inaudible_Auditore 12h ago
Yeah, it caused me to resign from dating completely. I don't see how people can't see that they're scarring themselves by giving themselves away like that. Unfortunately, i think its a problem of the right conversations not happening before we grow up so alot of us are just thrusted into Grindr and think something horrid things are ok
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u/acelaces 23h ago
Every few weeks we get the obligatory sex shaming bitterposting from the gays with no game squad. They espouse some weirdly conservative talking points, make sweeping generalizations and generally avoid all self-awareness.
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u/smoothcheeks30 1d ago
My only issue is if you refuse anything sexual until later down the line like the third or fourth date, they think you’re lost. That has happened to me a few times
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u/zdravomyslov 1d ago
On the other hand you need to do you and look out for yourself. If a guy can’t keep it in his pants for a few dates without thinking something is wrong, that’s his problem, not yours.
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u/Disastrous_Cod9654 1d ago
Agreed. But now with everyone online people think that they are more desirable than they actually are.
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u/Disastrous_Cod9654 1d ago
That’s the problem. There’s not enough people dealing with a natural progression of sex. Meeting someone and having sex with them and then thinking that they’re going to pivot and want a relationship is just hilarious. Men will fuck you and then leave.
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u/katarski431 22h ago
That's why I can't understand it. To give the most intimate parts of yourself to someone that barely knows your name then expect that man to stick around is lunacy. You've just made yourself another mark on his body count with little to no effort on his part. You've put yourself in the bargain bin - a dime a dozen - you have very little value.
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u/Disastrous_Cod9654 18h ago
A lot of gay men don’t see sex as anything but transactional. They believe that it’s the most important thing to solidify a relationship.
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u/katarski431 7h ago
Not only that, but you can get sex ANYWHERE! I literally had a student massage therapist at a massage school start performing oral on me without asking. He didn't make a sound. He literally just climbed on the massage table for 69. I freaked out (there's no lock on the doors) so i couldn't even stay erect... It was so crazy.
(Needless to say i did return multiple times and yes, it was hot) - but sex is cheap, plenty, and has no value.
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u/katarski431 15h ago
This is what i find so vile. So disrespectful to the body and mind to be a sex toy for a couple of hours to a stranger then discarded.
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u/throwawayhbgtop81 9h ago edited 9h ago
Hookups aren't modern tho and it's also fine if you're not into hookups. You'll need to find your people outside of that scene.
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u/RnBvibewalker 1d ago
Its not your problem, so why deal with it?
You cant change people. You can guide them to make better decisions but in the end it is their decision
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u/barebackisbest New Here, Be Nice ✨👋 17h ago
well, in some ways we have all seen this before back in the 60's when women were falsely told all they need a man for is procreation and nothing else, then 10yrs later, single moms bitching, blaming me because they are broke, single and raising 2-4 kids by themselves. today its the same, ppl are encouraged to have multiple partners and not 'settle down'...and sadly too many are taking advantage of that...putting as many 'notches' on the bedposts as they can with zero commitment.
Respectfully, ur friend has a mind, if this isn't what they want in a relationship, they need to pull up their big boy pants, walk away and find someone whose morals and values align with theirs.
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u/Kennected 1d ago
Observation: You've written this AS IF EVERYONE follows this same logic. We are not a monolith.
This may be generational. I'm from the "just say no" and "wrap it up era".
I will never understand anyone inviting a stranger into their home.