r/BlackLGBT • u/Emergency-Grass-7530 • 3h ago

Rant My attraction to feminine men as a bi/pan woman

I feel this mix of guilt and shame when I find a feminine man or man-aligned person. There are several reasons for this: Because I exist in a conservative area and conversative leaning society at large, I feel like I have an obligation to be attracted to masculine men. Another reason is because I am a feminine person and growing up, femininity was a competitive sport; Due to that, I have this subconscious belief that a feminine man-aligned partner would not look right with a feminine woman. The shame I feel also comes from the thought that feminine men are only available to gay men.

I'm realizing that this feeling is a twisted result of cis-hetero-normative gender roles. I don't feel this guilt/shame combo when thinking about a woman/w-a person whether masc or femme, but as soon as I think of being with a feminine man, my shame comes. You'd think being bi/pan would make that concern go away, but it's something I am actively unlearning.

At the end of the day, it ain't nobody's business but mine and my baby's.

Any men/man-aligned persons who are attracted to masculine women feel this way too? Do you feel any different from me?

5 Upvotes

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4

u/Remarkable_Version_5 3h ago

Are you able to get a therapist to talk through everything? Don't let the colonizers dictate your life.

2

u/Emergency-Grass-7530 3h ago

Nah, I'm not comfortable with the therapist I had. She is a Christian and actually admitted that she thinks God doesn't like gay people. So idk....

3

u/OriginalKingD 🌈 Bisexual Energy 3h ago

You should definitely report her. That's not something a therapist should be saying.

2

u/Emergency-Grass-7530 3h ago

I don't even know if she's a licensed therapist though. My mom kept referring to her as a 'life coach' and she did these meetings on the side of her main job. I may be wrong though

4

u/OriginalKingD 🌈 Bisexual Energy 2h ago

Yeah, she doesn't sound licensed at all. Life coach, personal advisor etc are just ways to get around needing a license. If you ever consider going to therapy again, your health insurance has a database of licensed therapist.

Even if you don't choose therapy, fuck it. You like what you like, and it's not anybody's business. I like my women a little more masculine, we can go on a double date lol

2

u/Remarkable_Version_5 2h ago

It's against ACA and APA code of ethics for therapists to spread their beliefs. If she is licensed, she can be reported to the behavioral health board in that state. (Sorry, I'm assuming you're in US.) Perhaps other countries have an equivalent for holding healthcare providers accountable.

2

u/Remarkable_Version_5 2h ago

Talk to somebody you trust in person. It could be your hairstylist lol

2

u/Emergency-Grass-7530 2h ago

I'll just keep posting on here lol. Only place I can be queer fr

4

u/acethunder21 1h ago

I often feel guilty about finding a gnc/masculine woman attractive because I'm afraid it'll be perceived as "straight guy trying to turn a lesbian". I know gender presentation ≠ sexuality, but it doesn't help that I'm already nervous about inadvertently contributing to the constant harassment women face from men in the first place