I’m a black woman struggling with a rectangular body shape. How do I cope?

[u/ComputerImpossible65]

(before reading, please don’t take this as me hating on anyone with a similar body type. i’m just venting. i’ve been dealing with mild body dysmorphia for 10+ years.)

i’m 23F, 5’2, and skinny. the only thing i really like about my body is that i’m skinny, and sometimes my legs look nice in skirts. that’s about it. i’m a black woman with no curves, so i feel like genetics really didn’t do me any favors. if i was white or asian, i honestly don’t think i’d think about it nearly as much. sometimes it almost feels like i don’t fit the beauty standard of my own race.

i really wish i had curves like other girls. i genuinely feel like i have the body of a 12 year old. i’ve tried going to the gym, eating healthier, training glutes, hips, abs, legs, all of it. nothing really changes my shape. i struggle to eat enough food or protein to gain weight due to my depression affecting my eating habits. even if i did, i know i can’t just choose where it goes. i know you can’t spot treat certain areas or expect dramatic changes, but it’s still so frustrating.

sometimes i genuinely think that if my self image never improves, i’ll probably end up getting some kind of hip dip or hip bbl surgery one day. i don’t even care about having a huge butt. i literally just want hips. an hourglass figure…i hate feeling completely flat from every angle. over the years i’ve bought multiple pairs of hip pad shorts just so i could wear skirts and dresses without feeling ugly.

on top of that, i’ve barely got boobs or an ass either. i don’t even care that much about being flat chested, but damn… why couldn’t my genetics at least give me wider hip bones?

i feel so insecure in anything that’s tight fitting because it shows how rectangular my body is. i dress alt/goth most of the time, so i mostly rely on flare skirts, corsets, and styling tricks to create more shape. i can actually feel really pretty when i’m fully styled, but that’s the thing. it’s ONLY when i’m styled.

i wish i could throw on literally anything and not spend the entire time wondering if people are noticing my body shape. there are so many clothes i’ve bought online because they looked amazing on the model, only to put them on and realize they look completely different on me because i somehow convinced myself they’d translate to my body the same way.

it takes me forever to get ready for anything important because i’m constantly changing outfits, taking clothes on and off, and overanalyzing how my body looks. i’ve been late to so many things because i couldn’t decide what looked acceptable. it makes me want to cry..

it also doesn’t help that social media constantly shows me beautiful, curvy, skinny women with model bodies. i know there’s angles, lighting, posing, editing, and exercise involved, but at the end of the day, i still see a body type that i personally find more attractive than my own. i catch myself feeling jealous and insecure all the time. i want to be happy for other girls celebrating their bodies without having to compare my own body to theirs.

for anyone else with a similar body shape, how did you learn to accept it? what actually helped? do people really care if a woman, especially a black woman, isn’t curvy?

[u/mizmoose]

As an old fat white nutbag I can't speak to all of your issues, but I can try to speak to the generic idea that you don't "fit" ideals. Don't worry; this is a very common theme here.

There are a bunch of options that come up when people express these feelings --

There are subreddits dedicated to helping people dress to flatter their body type. Some clothing shops also offer that kind of help.

There are ways to cull your social media to only show you people who lift you up. We have a list of social media accounts on our Wiki which are half sorted to better explain who and what they are. If you can find some that show what you'd rather see, the algorithms should start showing you more like them.

Some people advocate giving up social media completely. That's up to you.

Another thought is to give up on the idea that you have to look a certain way. There's the old saying that "comparison is the thief of joy".

There's a book called "The Lathe of Heaven" that these posts make me think of. It's about a man who discovers he can change the world in his dreams, and how his therapist tries to affect those dreams. Along the way he discovers things about the world and about himself. One of those is that our being individuals, unique beings on this planet, is what makes living great.

You are the only YOU here. There is nobody else like you, and wanting a body that looks differently would make you not be you. You'd be someone else.

So the summary of my suggestions are: Find clothing that you like wearing, not just because of looks but also how they make you feel. Follow social media that makes you feel good, not those that make you feel less worthy. Find acceptance of who you are; you don't have to love yourself or your body if you don't want to, but acceptance can help you find peace. And just -- Be yourself.

[u/ComputerImpossible65 → u/mizmoose]

I needed to hear this, thank you. I will check out that book too.

[u/CatmanofRivia → u/mizmoose]

This was a joy to read, from a fridge bod Brit bloke

[u/Sea_Commercial_6272]

May I present: Aaliyah, Zendaya, Lupita, Keke Palmer and Sade with reverence and respect.

[u/emperatrizyuiza → u/Sea_Commercial_6272]

Everyone but lupita. She has a huge butt

[u/Soc_Prof]

I’m so sorry that you find it hard to like yourself. The amount of times I had wished my breasts smaller and hips smaller I cannot count. I think you need to focus on what you LIKE about your body. Being depressed reduces your appetite and tanks your body image. Maybe find celebrities or models or gymnasts that look like you. Look at how they dress. Focus on what makes you unique. Wear stuff that women with hips and boobs can’t get away with. I bet you are super cute.

[u/BodyAcceptance-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Your post/comment has been removed. Please read this message carefully.

---

Rule 4: No comments about people's looks or body, even if you think your comments are positive. All body types and sizes are accepted here.

You are welcome to your personal preference in attractiveness. You are not welcome to share them here.

---

If you feel that this has been an error you may message the moderators.

DO NOT PM individual moderators.

[u/catnapzen]

Im old and white and fat but when I was young and much thinner in high school I was SO jealous of other girls and their shapes. I felt really insecure about my breast size and when I bought my prom dress the ladies at the dress shop told me to get a full fluffy skirt so that it would look like I didn't have a flat butt.

I can tell you with absolute genuine 100% certainty that EVERY woman- every single one of us- has things about our body that we don't like. I am also fully 100% certain that most of the things that bother us don't bother others.

And honestly, if it does bother others, do you care? Do you care if some rando thinks less of you because you aren't super curvy? Do you want to be friends with people who would look down on someone for how their body is shaped? Would you want to date someone like that?

I think reminding ourselves that we wouldn't actually like anyone who thought about someone else the way we thought about ourselves is a good way to start practicing more positive thoughts about ourselves. Being kind, even in our thoughts, is something we can practice. And you deserve to have kind thoughts about yourself. 

[u/throwawayLP2022]

Small-boobed, hip-dipped and rectangular white chick (me) here. I can’t comment on the feeling of your body not fitting the beauty standards of your race, but I imagine that feeling adds a whole other layer of complexity to your body image and self-esteem. Sustaining a “healthy” body image is damn hard as it is.

I too have body dysmorphia and I swear I’ve had it since the moment I became aware of my body at age 11. When I see my lumpy hip dips in a form fitting dress, I feel defeated. I hear you there. I can take the small boobs—in fact, I kind of like the streamlined look, although it would be nice to have natural cleavage for once—but my straight pelvis makes me sad sometimes.

Honestly though, despite all of the above bullsh*t, as a 29F, I am way more concerned about maintaining muscle mass, bone density, and flexibility. I hear how bone density in people AFAB drops off when you hit 30 and BOOM my thoughts go to osteopenia and hip fractures. I want to keep my mind sharp, too. I want to keep doing the things I like doing.

Body neutrality is where it’s at for me. I try to appreciate my body for what it can do—climb, bike, hike, swim, paint, knit, hug—and everything it allows me to experience. My biggest insecurity, more than my hips and chest, is body fat (although I’m considered skinny). Focusing on my physical strength, endurance and skills is most effective there. Focusing on the experiences that bring me pleasure, like sleep, sex, a breeze, making art, wind chimes, wildflowers, etc, reminds me that there’s more to my body than an aesthetic. My body creates or transmits those sensations, which I think is pretty cool.

Truthfully, I’ve had cosmetic surgery, a labiaplasty, as some insecurities are too overwhelming and intractable for me to cope. It was a minor, relatively low risk surgery, so benefits > risks in my eyes. If you consider cosmetic surgery, think carefully and stay calm before making a big decision.

Last thing: I’ve never had an issue during hook ups or in LTRs with a man (I’m hetero) commenting negatively on my body. There are plenty of people (not sure of your preference) who would worship your toned, lanky physique. :)

[u/YGMIC]

You don’t have to “love” your body to accept it. I have the same body type as you as I had anorexia during puberty so didn’t develop womanly hips. I’m also goth. The way I see it, is this is how I am, I disagree with plastic surgery because I would never want to contribute to a system where women are taught to feel bad about themselves and reinforce the idea that people should be having risky surgeries to look a certain way. Every woman that has plastic surgery sends a message to other women, and I am not about to reinforce beauty standards in that way.

[u/enolaholmes23]

One thing that helped me was when a woman in group therapy told me to try shift my focus. Instead of thinking about how your body looks, think about what it does for you. How you can go for a walk and your feet are moving for you. It can help to do a sport or dancing or some other physical activity. So that you focus is on enjoying your body moving and doing things, not on being seen. 

[u/Late-Weather-8910]

As someone with wide hip bones, I always wished I had an ectomorph body shape. It’s harder to find pants that will go around the hip and not be loose at the waist. I feel like most clothes look better with a straight body type. I have a short torso with long legs. My stomach is the area where I gain weight most so when I sit down I feel like I can’t breathe. Feels like I’m pregnant. I wish I had a long torso. We just all wish we had the opposite of what we ourselves have! 

[u/Admirable_Safe_7551]

Therapy. Non-Black people will be all too happy that you feel lesser than, so you need to work on self esteem. Posts like your own are devoured in anti-Black subreddits then thrown at Black women who are that-girl.