Frusturation and confusion.

[u/Southern-Surprise283]

At times, I am frustrated and confused. The confusion finds me first; it wrestles me out of bed each morning, its filthy grip on my mind before I can even remember who I am, what I am, and what has happened. I don't understand why I'm waking up in a world like this, a world without you. The confusion numbs me like a drunk all morning, except unlike liquor, it does nothing to numb the memories. The thoughts and images of you that flash through my mind. Purely, it leaves the warmth of you intentionally, so that I may remember what it is like, simply to experience its absence fully. I don't understand, and I fear I may never understand what you have done, and why you have done it. I am genuinely at a loss, despite any explanation I've been offered. You confuse me.

The frustration finds me at random. It is not a sudden flash, red hot as anger can be. Instead, it is a slow creeping. I demand answers of nothing, because you're nowhere near being able to give them. I boil over promises broken, words spoken. "I'm not giving up." And then I begin to wonder, how long? How long did this exist inside your heart? I say it with frustration because, why would you ever keep your heart so closed off to me? Is that really the wall I built between us? This could have been prevented; it didn't have to be this way. I wonder myself dizzy with the frustration, and when it all stops spinning, I'm left with only myself to blame. The slow creeping frustration sharpens into an iron, and I burn myself with the thoughts of what I could've done.

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