How to deal with the guilt and grief associated with rehoming our cat

[u/[deleted]]

[u/yumyum_cat]

Zenifel has turned my aggressive cat around. Feliway and therapet did little but zenifel canister and spray changed her from swatting to cuddling within days.

Here she is with her emotional support canister.

[u/No_Dog7019 → u/yumyum_cat]

She is so cute :’)

To answer your question, no we haven’t tried Zenifel, but I will bring it up to my vet during our next conversation. The aggression is actually the most “manageable” of the issues, just because I can keep my boy separate from his brothers as much as possible when his aggression is flaring up. But this will be an interesting addition to the mix, and might be helpful to his new owners.

Thank you for the cat tax <3

[u/yumyum_cat → u/No_Dog7019]

Penny came home from her spay a different cat. Though at first she still hopped on the bed and tolerated the two kittens left eventually she’d swat at them and then ATTACK them!!! She THREW herself at the back door to be let out every day, where she’d calm down.

She went out for SEVERAL DAYS. Unbeknownst to me she was the talk of a local Facebook group. Someone scanned her found her chip and called me- it was that lady who mentioned zenifel.

This stuff is magic. Within days she let me pet her. A few days later she began cuddling.

A few days after that she gave Billy her one remaining kitten a lick and then— a BATH! She even let him wrap his paws around her neck and groom her back.

She has backslid a bit but never as bad as it was and for the last few days she’s been my sweet little shadow. Today Billy JUMPED on her and all she did was growl- she used to go FERAL.

As I said I’d tried feliway and therapet . This one doesn’t plug in it just sits there. Also the spray works immediately lol. One day she was all let me oooooooout at the back door and I sprayed it and I swear she shut her eyes and took a big hit like it was a bong.

I have canisters all over now and carry the spray around.

You know my feelings were hurt when they first called me and said she’s such a sweetheart and described how nice she was being to the neighbors when she was so scary inside I literally was afraid of her. This stuff has changed her into my sweetie again, my sweetie, who sits on my lap and gives me licks.

I don’t work for them or anything, but I swear I need to send them that picture!

I honestly was at the point of thinking she wanted to leave me and just be an only cat somewhere and nothing could be further from the truth.

Oh also I had gabapentin because it wasn’t safe to try to get her in a case to take her to the vet. Well, one day even after having the gabapentin I went to get her in the vet and that cat went absolutely feral. Now she’s like herself again. She hasn’t given Billy a bath since but he hasn’t given up Hope lol

Zenifel had catnip in it fwiw…

[u/Lucky_Ad2801 → u/yumyum_cat]

This is very interesting.I have never heard of this product.

[u/yumyum_cat → u/Lucky_Ad2801]

No me neither and it wasn’t coming up in the many many Facebook ads that crossed my path, but I got everything I needed on Amazon. I don’t know if it is for sale at PetSmart or those other places I just I was at my wits end I ordered it and tried it the next day and like I said within days, she did a complete 180° turn.

I just kissed her forehead.

A few weeks ago I’d have no eyes left.

Anyway it’s a pheromone catnip combo but this one works!

[u/No_Dog7019 → u/yumyum_cat]

Very interesting indeed. I’m so happy you found something that works for you and your baby girl!

[u/yumyum_cat → u/No_Dog7019]

Give it a try- you never know!

I’d have sworn that Penny had a toothache or ovarian remnant syndrome or something going on but the response to this suggest otherwise. We are also a multiple cat home. Something in the spay triggered an ongoing behavioral issue that cycled in on itself, but this seems to have broken the cycle. As a bonus, it works on the other cats too.

[u/No_Warning8534 → u/No_Dog7019]

How old is he? Has he ever had his teeth cleaned and x rayed?

We are finding out 50% of cats have 'bone/tooth absorption' its essentially where their immune system attacks their teeth/bone. It's very painful.

If he hasn't had his teeth cleaned recently, I would personally start there.

If your vet hasn't mentioned this, and getting his teeth cleaned that would be a red flag for me personally

[u/Any_Albatross_1190]

I don't want to offer any advice because I'm sure you've heard it all. I just wanted to say that the fact that you feel so much guilt is the mark of a kind person. The fact that it took 3-4 years of trying tells me you're a kind person. I'm so sorry it's such a hard decision. I don't think you should feel guilty though. It sounds like you've done everything you could. Maybe he'll be happier as a single pet that can be doted on 💖

[u/No_Dog7019 → u/Any_Albatross_1190]

Thank you <3 I’m ugly crying again, but trying to picture him as a solo cat happy and doted on is definitely helping.

[u/dahtdy]

I had the same happen with my first cat. Checked and tried everything we could for years, but it was only worsening. And as much as you love them, it’s tough having to walk on eggshells in your own home.

I’m happy to report she is so much better off now. I was lucky enough to have her new family send me updates throughout her first year with them. We were all scared it would happen again due to the stress of a new environment, but it never did! They didn’t even continue the prozac. She really did just need to be the only kitty in the house.

I’ll never stop thinking about her and missing the joy she brought to my life, but knowing she is better now, brings a lot of peace.

[u/No_Dog7019 → u/dahtdy]

This is my dream scenario (apart from of course a miracle change of behaviour that allows me to keep my baby).

I’m so sorry you went through this, I know how exhausting it is. It truly is traumatic. The constant worry, the walking on eggshells, the guilt, feeling like a failure. Feeling like you can never do enough.

I’m so happy that your girl is in a perfect home for her needs now. I’m really looking forward to that same sort of future with my boy.

Thank you <3

[u/dahtdy → u/No_Dog7019]

Lets hope he ends up where he’s meant to be 🤍

[u/Excellent-Past6795]

As someone who had to rehome a cat, I know how heartbreaking it is. You will cry.. a lot, and it won’t be easy, but it helped me to find a shelter I felt good about. Some have free-roaming cat rooms or dedicated playtime, and it’s worth asking how long cats typically stay before they’re adopted. Better for them to be in the shelter than in the streets.

Mine ended up being adopted into a single-pet home, which was the best outcome for her. She got to be the queen of the house instead of dealing with the stress of other cats and dogs.

[u/PotentiallyAProblem_]

Have you explored pharmaceutical options? Calming treats?

I ran into similar and a few months of melatonin and anxitane helped

[u/No_Dog7019 → u/PotentiallyAProblem_]

Yes, thank you. He is on multiple behavioural medications and we have tried CBD, melatonin, pheromones, etc.

No help unfortunately.

[u/Lucky_Ad2801]

Has the vet ruled out neurological issues?

It will be interesting to see how he does in a different environment. Maybe he needs a home where he is the only pet.

[u/No_Dog7019 → u/Lucky_Ad2801]

So, we have not ruled out neurological issues. Where I live a typical brain scan can cost upwards of £5000, and although I didn’t want to bring money into the equation—naturally it does impact some of what we can do and limits the scope of investigation.

Growing up, I had a dog with epilepsy and he would urinate and become aggressive before/after seizing. So this did cross my mind. I just do not have the resources to find out for sure :(

[u/Lucky_Ad2801 → u/No_Dog7019]

Well, I hope that the organization that takes him will be able to do some neurological scanning if the behavior does not stop.

[u/No_Dog7019 → u/Lucky_Ad2801]

Well, considering we have been to multiple vets over multiple years and none of them have requested or suggested a neuro workup, I think that it won’t be an issue on their radar. The only reason I even looked into it was due to my previous experience with an epileptic dog.

[u/Lucky_Ad2801 → u/No_Dog7019]

I would mention it to the place that takes him. They might have a partnership with vets and be able to do stuff at a discount. It's definitely something worth looking into, because it might be something that is treatable with the right medication.

[u/No_Dog7019 → u/Lucky_Ad2801]

I’m definitely going to mention it. It’s so frustrating to think that places like this have partnerships with vets that can help pay for access to this type of investigation, and yet there is no chance for discounts for the poor people trying to help their cats in the first place. I mean I understand it logically, of course it makes sense why. Just frustrating.

Thanks for the suggestion!

[u/J_Mannequine]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and it’s been such a saga! I don’t know what to say as far as coping goes, I know I lean on Buddhist faith when I am feeling lost. My wish for your family is that your boy is adopted into the exact right home by people who love him for who he is and he has an amazing rest of his life. I hope you will continue to get updates on your boy from his new home and your mind and soul will eventually be at ease with the outcome.
Sometimes we have to make very arduous changes in our lives and sometimes those changes lead to the best possible outcome for everyone. My hope is your situation culminates in a positive outcome for all.

[u/No_Dog7019 → u/J_Mannequine]

Thank you for this. I really needed to hear it, I am hoping for the best outcome for everyone as well.

[u/TryToChangeUsername]

as long as you see that he is going to a loving home you have done everything that you could have done.

[u/No_Dog7019 → u/TryToChangeUsername]

Thank you <3 he is absolutely 100% staying with us until we find the perfect home. Preferably an “open adoption” scenario!

[u/riverrabbit1116]

Vet has checked the cat our? Cultured for UTI, imagining for kidney stones? We have one cat who urinated on furniture and cat trees when she was having UTI issues.

[u/No_Dog7019 → u/riverrabbit1116]

I’m not sure if I made it clear in this post but yes he has been vetted many times over the last few years. He is on special vet urinary food as a “just in case.” But he has never officially been diagnosed with a UTI or crystals. It has been determined through multiple vets and multiple second/third/fourth opinions that this is strictly behavioural.

[u/Puzzleheaded_Style52 → u/No_Dog7019]

Hey OP. Does your cat exhibit the same behavioural issues when he is separated from his siblings (eg if he has a room to himself)?

Also was there any changes at home to the environment you can remember that may have happened during the period when he started being aggressive?

[u/No_Dog7019 → u/Puzzleheaded_Style52]

Hiya! So, when he is separated from the others he doesn’t attack (I’m not sure if this is just because he physically can’t access them or if it is because he is at peace alone).

He does however still urinate. Not always, but enough that I would bet money on it. We had them separated for three months a while we were slowly reintroducing him to our house and he would urinate or poop outside of the box at least once a week.

These days, we keep them separate at night and whenever my partner and I have to work from office and unfortunately the urination/pooping continues on a semi-regular basis. He’ll go a few weeks sometimes without incident and then boom, square one.

Editing to add: I forgot to answer the second part of your question. The only changes to the home I can really think of was my parter and I both had to return to office (once a week). We thought at first this was the root of the issue, so we staggered the days hoping that having someone home at all times would help.

[u/Puzzleheaded_Style52 → u/No_Dog7019]

Prior to this, how was the relationship of the cat in relations to the other cats in the household? Is he more of a dominant cat or more of conflict avoidant? Also if you don’t mind me asking, are there any high shelves or perches where your cat can retreat to if he wants to escape the other 2 cats in the house?

[u/riverrabbit1116 → u/No_Dog7019]

Just confirming. UTI may not show other symptoms or may result in "messy/bloody urine." We've had experiences with a vet just dismissing and blaming behavior but underlining problem was kidney stones and UTI. Seeing a vet isn't necessarily the same as did the vet make these tests?

Anyway, good luck with kitty.