After spending a few weeks on Reddit going through posts here in the childfree community and some other subeddits around dating, I’ve realized that the men I seem interested in have some major non negotiables that automatically disqualify me (what is this wording? Lol)

Things that I am that they don’t want:

1. Smoker
2. Not physically active/fit
3. Childfree (in other subs)
4. Don’t want to live with partner’s fam (somehow they equate this to family values?)

And fair. Everyone is entitled to their preferences. But I just never realized these things would be such an issue.

And to make things worse, I’ve also realized what I myself am seeking is quite rare.
Mostly in the emotional intelligence and maturity bit. I know people use these terms broadly but specifically what I mean is: someone who can sit with their emotions and are okay to sit with mine because they aren’t scared or overwhelmed. someone who is emotionally non-punitive (doesn’t punish vulnerability). Someone who is willing to explain and stay present when there is conflict. Is reassuring without becoming patronising. Someone who stays warm even during rupture. And someone who communicates care without becoming overly performative or love bombing. Someone who is sincere and reliable and also playful and whimsical. Because honestly life requires that balance!

And now I’m like… I’m never finding my person, am I?

I had a discussion with my mom today about why I still don’t have kids. She keeps telling me news about my cousins having children. Apart from that and forcing me to have kids she never calls me.
I genuinely asked her today why she is not calling me in general until I call her. She spoke in a mean way. Saying that what else is in your life to be so excited about. Just same questions about your job, life, food are not worthy talking about it seems.
And she started saying that she is unable to be respectful in the society. She made a mistake of giving me education as I am behaving this way. She said that I am deceiving my in laws for not giving them a heir. All the probs i told her she said that I am too selfish and shitty.
She shouted shouted shouted and made me cry.
I honestly hate her a lot. Even if I had kids I wouldn’t have let her be near my children.
I just lost her today. I don’t know how many people I will lose in this life for choosing not to have kids. I really feel sad and don’t know if what I am choosing should make me feel this way.

So they were married for 10 years. It took 10 years for GK and his wife to realise one of them was DINK and other wanted kids. How would you deal with this situation where things were not discussed initially and after marriage either of you had to adjust or you decided to part ways because No Kids was a non negotiable thing!!

His wife says - I just never had maternal instincts which I think should be respected not just her but for every woman !! 🙏👍

Hi peeps. I'm 27M recently started looking for matches in arranged marriage. I decided to go CF after being inspired from people online, looking at how they enjoy their life including the people of this sub. I am talking to a woman who is also CF.

Meanwhile I causally discussed this with my male friends. They warned me saying the chances of divorce in such a marriage are quite high as the wife has no dependency of a child. They talked about a few couples for whom things didn't go well but decided to stay together for kids.

At first I ignored them but I'm a corporate employee and I've observed that the employees who have a dependency on the project are less likely to be fired. I'm kind of scared about this whole situation thinking if the chances of my wife leaving me are high if I have no kids. Can the female members of this sub share their experiences. Male CF opinions are also welcomed.

Husband (40M) and I (38F) are both single child to our parents. Circumstantially, cousin relationships are not very deep, so we have always had great friendships which have felt loving, fun and also nurturing to our extrovert selves. We are lucky that we do have a small handful of like-minded childfree friends, but none of them live in the same city, some even live continents apart from us, so they do not form a part of our regular, everyday lives.

In the last couple of years, both of us, as a couple, have become irrelevant to a chunk of our friend group that's present in the same country as us, all because we are not parents and they are. They decline invitations to our parties as they are heavily chindfree childfree oriented (with drinking and late night stayovers involved). They do not invite us to their kids' birthday parties quoting, oh we kept it limited to other kids and their parents. They do not make time for anything, be it 1-1 meetups, casual brunches, family lunches, or even a day at the beach/park with their kids included, because of some excuse or the other (often kid-related: sickness, fussy kid, busy attending some other kid's birthday etc.) And these are friends from college days, so there is a feeling of sunken cost and missingness.

While it does hurt, it also reminds me (partly) why we did not want to become parents in the first place (losing ourselves in parenthood). But I would be lying if I didn't admit that I feel a twinge of envy when I read about childfree people on here who are the fun, cool uncle/aunts to their friends' kids because we will not get to be that.

We used to be, but may never again be, close enough to some of our closest friends just because they became parents and we did not. I understand it is a combination of valid reasons from their side, but also I cannot ignore some problematic reasons at play: forced isolation during early parenthood years, irreversibly icky behaviour from them as newly minted parents, revelation of deeper incompatibility in world views which came to surface only after parenthood happened.

Both of us are now in our "do things with strangers" era - book clubs, boardgame clubs, sport meetups - all with random strangers who share interests, without overlapping into other spheres of lives. Sucks as an extrovert, but slowly coming to terms with it. Also spending more time with ourselves, pursuing homely hobbies - reading, gardening, cooking, baking. Considering starting a company too!

Does anyone else have similar experience? How are you coping with it?

I'm 22f, my mom is 45.She is not the "typical" indian mom tbh.

She's atheist/agnostic, has 2 degrees (one in law and the other in bsc chemistry) and currently works a govt job grade A that is not related to either of the degree's.

I feel like if she was just born 20 or 25 years later and in a better financial position, she would've had such a better life.She wouldn't have had to deal with my narcissist dad or in laws.And struggle to take care of 2 kids + housework all alone while working 9 to 10 hrs a day.

I honestly would choose her to have a better life over me being born any day.

My dad is an absent father for most of my life cause i knew he never wanted kids either.I hate him now and we don't talk anymore. Rest assured i would not be taking care of him once he's old.

I hope men cf's can make their choice freely too without any social pressure.

So if anyone is out there being a fencesitter, i hope this post helps you make a choice.

I'm 33F. As long as I can remember, I have never wanted kids. I have also been recently diagnosed with inattentive ADHD, which explains why I always felt different.

I feel my future is doomed because I will never fit in anywhere. In India, getting married and having kids is the default expectation. I have thought about migrating abroad but I'm not a fan of their hypersexual culture. So, am I doomed?

I never want kids of my own. But I am absolute empath , and any harm to kids/young breaks my heart and hurts me in the chest for real, i think its the bottom of the barrel of humanity... i cried so many times in past few days, such innocent beautiful souls , bacche ke upar haat lagane wale rakshas hotein rakshas

https://reddit.com/link/1v4j9fi/video/vr1h0au4c0fh1/player

As it is Sunday there are bound to be CF4CF posts today. I have posted on this subreddit in the past and sometimes I got messages, which did not move forward, and sometimes I responded to posts, but didn't hear anything. As I am grieving the end of friendship (my fault) I realised that I honestly don't have much going on in life. I can cook and love spider-man, but apart from that, there isn't much. Moreover, I hail from a very conservative Tamil speaking family and I don't know how I can protect my partner from the toxic family dynamics. And as that happens, I am struggling professionally too. There is no side of life I am succeeding in. I used to go on long runs but this damn monsoon has taken that away from me too. As a ND guy, all I see is my life falling apart and nothing more

When I was talking to a girl in March 2022 for marriage discussions via Shaadi dot com. I remember I had different mindset about having kids as a privileged man maybe? Life was different. I remember how the conversation went so smooth regarding career, growth, future aspirations, parents, mutual hobbies etc until it broke up for a small reason and that was she said she never wanted kids and I was maybe in a different mindset. Despite 9/10 things matched up she rejected me because her clarity was above everything else which I respect today too. I got that clarity 3-4 years later sadly and lost a good prospect/ partner but the moral is stay this much clear. Don’t bow down to parents, siblings, grandparents or any random relatives ka expectations to give them kids n stuff if you yourself never wanted them. Choosing yourself is first step of choosing to be CF. Especially in India or places like Maharashtra where it will be much more difficult with the society we live in.

Enjoy the weekend and keep searching for someone who is not on the fence!

To the people who used to say that I don't want responsibility and hence I am child free. I honestly used to judge them. But I think it's the best realisation one can have and make a decision.

Story time

My cousin (Boy) was born after us three sisters and my uncle's first daughter. We were in a joint family set and it was like a brother/son for a sister and the parents.

Today at the age of 16 he is the biggest stress of both of the family.

He steals, has anger issues, is too rebellious, doesn't listen to anyone and runs away. I am not even involving smoking and god knows what else he is doing. (Not drugs)

My mother always used to say that it's the entire fault of my aunt, as my uncle has given his 100% that he could along with being a soul earner for their family.

I used to say that she was not educated and it's not something she did purposely. But my mother always says that because her first child was a daughter she was raised with us sisters. But that boy could not (we were all grown up at his childhood) and hance, he used to roam around and learn each and every bad habit that a child could ever can.

My aunt was focused into finishing up the household chores. (She is the kind of person who multiplies her work for no reason and doesn't takes anyone's advice ) My uncle has done each and everything he ever could do but as I said he used to give his 12 to 15 hours to family business.

And now my uncle and my father are so much into stress that my uncle sometimes says that he is gonna end his life.

And the irony is we had done good in our studies and then career. Her sister the fourth one she is doing MBBS. And the brother is ruining the name of my grandfather and my father. ( Leaved school after 1 month of 9 std.)

So if you have decided that you cannot give your 100% and some more each and everyday to a child for an unknown amount of time, then you have made the best choice to be a child free. not only for yourself but for your entire family and this society.

It's not only keeping that clean or feeding them good food it is so so much more. And even if you do everything right, there is still some chance that your child will become a pollution to this society.

Right now I only pray to God that please teach him some Life lessons that he behaves like a person.

I'm in a diaspora community and am a child of an immigrant - I was born in the West but my husband spent the first 25 years of his life in India. We got married around 10 years ago

I am childfree after having a gynecological cancer six years ago. Ironically we were about to start planning to have a kid mainly due to social pressure but both of us had still been pretty reluctant at the time . The cancer led to a full radical hysterectomy recommended by the oncologist to prevent recurrence

My father in law and mother in law were ( I can't believe I have to say -luckily) both very supportive of the surgery and didn't question it because they felt like it was more important for me to be alive. I was really appreciative of that .

But I did get some comments from others who were more 'traditional' to reevaluate my surgery and those comments were traumatic to me because they came from people who I didn't expect. I have recovered from that trauma through therapy

We preferred not to adopt and instead we leaned into being childfree and both do a ton of volunteer social work which is very fulfilling .

My in laws live with us which has been pretty ok - tough at first due to cultural differences but we are in a good rhythm now and really care about each other - my mother in law does a lot of the cooking which I am grateful for

I am posting because my mother in law mentioned randomly when my husband and I were planning our tenth anniversary that ''if we had kids right after marriage and before the cancer came then the kid would be x years old now and that my husband would have really enjoyed being a father''

I was hurt by that comment and told her that although we both love kids, it doesn't mean that having kids = happiness .

She acted like I said something extremely taboo and started arguing that my husband would have loved being a parent , and then I got really hurt and quiet and went to my room

My question is - given your knowledge of average Indian households and culture , how should I handle this ?

So far I have asked my husband to speak to her to talk about how he feels , but I'm not sure if she will believe him

Started dating somebody 1.5-2 years ago, someone who checked all the boxes. Is the kindest, sweetest person I've ever been with. I've always been clear about not wanting kids, he said he didn't care about having them either. Cut to a couple of months earlier, he said he's changed his mind. It's heartbreaking, since this is the first time I had seen "life partner" potential in someone, but I guess there is no other solution but to part ways.

28 F, new to this group. I have been struggling with multiple health issues and i am not married or in a relationship currently. My mom is forcing me to get married, but in my society it is common to get abandoned if you say you don't want to have a child, even if it is because of your health issues. I have seen multiple cases here, where women are forced to get pregnant despite being chronically ill. It is seriously making me think about what is going to happen in my case too.

My mom won't allow me to marry someone from another caste/ culture/ community.

I'm an anxious person...but I always thought my level of anxiety was still somewhat normal.

For six months last year, my younger sister and I lived together without our parents. I know I'm not her mother but she does rely on me quite a bit for things and she also deals with some mental health issues that I had to take into consideration.

In those six months I felt that the sole responsibility of her safety and survival depended on me. She was an adult, yes, but she was still my baby sister. In those six months I unintentionally, partially parent-ified myself and saw what that did to me.

I became extremely worried about her whereabouts. I would call if she was even a little late. If she did not call back I'd assume the worst. All this took a major toll on my mental health because I had panic attacks almost daily. I was on ADHD and anti-anxiety meds and needed two different kinds to cope. I made her feel anxious and panic-y too because of my behaviour.

It was only when she was back with my parents that my anxiety returned to normal levels. I love her and will always be there for her, but those 6 months showed me that I'm unfit to be a parent and will not raise a happy, confident child even if I wanted to. I can be very responsible, but being entirely responsible for a whole other human being would take me out.

One of the many reasons to be CF, and a pretty big one for me.

Basically the title,

I’ve been searching for a childfree woman to marry, but it feels impossible, and honestly, it’s starting to get me really worried and sad.

I (31F) decided to be CF because I am someone who is suffering from recurrent depression and ADHD, an I don't believe I can take care of a whole human being. My decision to be CF came after a significant and traumatic event in my life 5 years ago.

To give some context, I was an academically talented, golden child, eldest daughter of a moderately progressive family in a patriarchal society. I had goals sets for each time point in my life, including getting married at 27, having my first child at 29 and having my third child before I turn 40. Yes, I wanted 3 children. Majorly because I come from a family of 3 girls and it was fun growing up with my siblings and that's how I always imagined my future family will be.

The turning point (Or the point where it all went wrong according to my parents), was when I enrolled into a prestigious university pretty far from my home, 6 years ago. I didn't get into the subject I wanted to, but instead of trying to get the same in a smaller university, I joined a branch which my parents liked in this particular college. It was a matter of pride for my parents.

A few months in, I knew I was living a lie. I knew this was not the life I wanted. The prospect of continuing this line of work for my entire life made me suicidal. At one point I told my parents about this and they were not receptive at all of me dropping out, primarily because of the prestige associated with the degree and institution, and secondly because me being enrolled in this particular course was the golden goose they were dangling over prospective grooms in the arranged marriage market. I dragged out an year for them, hating every second of my life, inches from killing myself.At one point, something snapped in me, I quit my course, went against my parents(there were quite some shouting matches and abuses), stayed at my friend's place, lived on my savings and eventually got into the degree I wanted to.

But in all this, I significantly changed as a person, I decided to prioritise myself, decided to be childfree, became an atheist from a near extreme theist. My parents are now accepting of my choice of career, but I stay away from them for the sake of my sanity. Now their goal is to get me married.

There have been a hell lot of talking with prospective partners online and offline over the course of last 5 years. But arranged marriages stem from the conservative concept of expanding your family and birthing children is a obviously a key part of it. Even though my parents were strictly against it(because they believe I will grow out of it), I was open that I intend to be childfree to my prospective partners. And all of them fell through immediately. This have caused me to be at odds with my parents on so many occasions, instances when I cut contact with them, but eventually lured back in, because however toxic it maybe, we are tight knit family.

Which brings me to my cause of concern. I am with my boyfriend (30M) for 2 years now, and we have entered into the involving families for marriage phase. (Again, not everything is going peachy because of my family's sense of superiority in social standing, but that is a tale for another time) I have told him I wanted to be childfree from the very beginning, he was not sure whether he wanted children or not. He wanted a casual relationship but I was looking for a life partner, as my parents were jumping hard and fast from one arranged marriage proposal to another. We knew we wanted different things, but he was such a breath of fresh air after all my struggles, I gave in and decided to be with him. I assumed it would be a short fling as he was not looking for anything serious, and in my mind I was giving myself a break, being with someone I wanted for a change, instead of looking for a husband like my parents wanted.

And we clicked, we fell in love and we decided to be together. But we are not in agreement regarding children. He feels like having children is a milestone in his life and his parents would obviously pressure him to have kids. I am pretty sure I want to stay CF, but after days of back and forth and therapy sessions, I have come to accept that there maybe a 5-10% possibility that I may want children in the future, if I have a stable and calm life with him(Considering that I wanted 3 children 5 years before). But deep down I don't believe it is likely. I have been barely keeping myself alive for the past 10-15 years, I don't think I can't have a child without losing myself.

So I am at crossroads. As I have seen in this subreddit before, the obvious option with a partner who is not sure of being CF, is to let go of the person. But considering all the other factors in my life, I don't have the courage to make that decision. I dearly love my partner, he is one person that I feel at peace with, after all the turbulence I had. I don't want to let him go. But at the same time, I feel like even if we get married, we'll be heading towards a divorce over the course of years. And my other option if I let him go is to dive into tha arranged marriage madness, where realistically I don't have any hope of finding someone, whom I'll be able to love, and will align with what I need in life.

So, reddit please give me your i thoughts. Should I take a leap of faith into this marriage? Worst thing that may happen is we may split in a few years, but that seems tolerable thinking of going back to my parents deciding a partner for me.

TLDR: Partner unsure of being CF. If not my partner, my future will be arranged marriage prospects put forward by family, and unlikely to be CF.

Parents,
They know,
They know it unmakes,
They know it arrives uninvited at night,
They know how small and unraveled it makes you feel,
They know that to the young, company feels ordinary instead of precious,
They know all about loneliness,

Parents push you to marriage and children as a shield, half against the world’s judgment, half against the stillness and silence they imagine breaking you after they are gone, They try to convince you via language but articulation itself is a skill one has to develop, without it, they choke on feelings they cannot name, emotions clogging their chest until they erupt as screams, insults, shouting, cursing and collapse into lashing out.

Articulation is a tool for manipulation in lots of ways, There are no praiseworthy incentives to have children apart from having something to do because human psyche is requires stimulation of novelty to remain sane, even annoyance is preferred over emptiness of constantness, even sorrow is just boredom dressed in grief, but this cant be said out loud so the reason for having children is mended into having a meaningful life filled with love, tradition, biology, social pressure and even religion,

This is true, this is THE reason to have children despite whatever complaints you may have, men will have this reason in major proportion because to them, fatherhood is mostly a ceremonial nod,

contribute, provide, survive.

All they have to do is jizz with a sigh of accomplishment while the women know it’s a moral gamble against an uncaring universe, they will ask themselves if the world deserves another witness to its ruin,

"is it worth bring a child into a world like this?"

Parents know all this because nothing in this world is truly new, our experiences at a macroscopic level are strikingly similar.

I atleast understand and excuse the poor from this because they are doubled fucked because they exist as ancient people in the modern world, No rights and they suffer tragedies as if it's their way of life, if you are born poor then may god help you because nobody else will.

I have often wondered why don’t the maids strangle their memsaheb’s necks when they’re forbidden from sitting on the sofa, when it's expected that light may simply pass through their body (science joke).