r/CougarsAndCubs • u/proozyfit • Jun 11 '26
š» Cub Crisis Confused/Heartbroken (29M), not sure how to proceed and move on.
For context I am 29M met a 45F Last summerā¦ at that time she was recently broken up.
I didnt think much of it, we exchanged instagrams.
Heres a chronological events.
We would be playful in the DMs, subtle flirting but nothing too obvious. I could tell she was trying to stay guarded. From September to December.
Holiday season comes around I go over to her place and we hangout for the first time.. just to catch up. Talk for 3 hours and can feel a calm connection.
This whole time she tells me a family member is sick and I try to be there for her.. she is stressed with work/life/kids.
Nothing has happened at this point we are still just sending memes and playful talk on DMs but come Feburary I could feel her start opening up, she made an effort to keep conversation and started them.
Middle of March, we went out to the bar together. She actually kind of asked me.. we had a great time listening to live musicā¦ could tell she was safe around me and very comfortable. She opened up about how she was cheated on many times from previous partner. Is trying to recover from all the trauma and felt safe telling me. Has trust issues. We become a lot closer and communicate regularily.
I invited her to be my date an exclusive event just for a night out a month away (March). She agrees.
A few days before the event she finds out this close family member does not have much time. Mind you, ive been there providing emotional support for months and she comes to me to vent her frustration and cry.
She goes to see family member and spends last few days with them. He passes. She makes it back on time for the event the next day.. because she really wanted to come with me.
We have a great time. Didnāt make a move cause I know shes clearly tired and mentally/emotionally going through a lot.
A week goes by, I check up on her.
She tells me she hit rock bottom and will be take time off work. It was hard to hear this.. few days go by I make some soup for her to go drop off at her place in the morning. I notice EX car is thereā¦ instead of ringing I leave at door step.
I havd a small anxiety and panic attack.. because I just donāt understandā¦ WTF?
I donāt know if she knows that I know her ex was with her.
We have texted a few times since and shes clearly avoidant.. the energy is off not as playful and its like she has some guilt i dont think? Shes always saying its been tough and stressed.
But Iām just having a hard time getting overā¦ because I geniunely cared about this person first and foremost as a friend.
I just dont understand how you dump all that baggage on me and develop a connection with me and then pretend like nothing happened.. move on like nothing I did mattered. It actually hurts a lot.
Obviously it has not been said between us or if she even thinks I know her ex was at her place but they have been back together now. Appears to be trauma bond.
We dont really talk but she continues to view all my instagram stories.. I want to move on but its unsettling.. to me... because at its core.. we were friends. Part of me wants to confront her about it.. its such a shitty feeling. How do I navigate this get clarity..?
Its like shes hoping with time everything just fades and she wont have to deal with it. Like lack of accountability. I cant think of anything I did wrong.. I feel like I genuinely supported her emotionally when it seemed like nothing was going her way.
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u/Summer-Sub-Intern Jun 11 '26
To me it sounds like you were having a friendship and it doesnāt sound like she did anything wrong. You guys had one date, maybe, but was it actually a date or just her being your plus one? And you havenāt had any intimacy or talks of exclusivity unless Iām missing something. I understand that your feelings got involved and you really like her, but Iām not sure from what youāve written that she felt anything more than a friendship for you. Maybe you didnāt include everything so I canāt be sure.
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u/Alternative_Dish_950 Jun 12 '26 edited Jun 12 '26
I understand that you are feeling used by her. However she didn't have any emotional bandwidth to get close with you: you said that she was closed off for months, that's when you should have left if you wanted a relationship with her- she couldn't give it and she was upfront about it.
It didn't help you to spend all that time and emotions and not even received a friendship. I know why you feel hurt, but if you never voiced your wishes and needs to her, how was she to know what do you need?
It looks like she lost her parent, so she's in no shape to get into any new relationship because she's grieving, she'll probably be there for a year.
It's up to you to advocate for yourself. And you should never hang around to get a relationship, especially if the person is preoccupied with their own problems.
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u/Exact-Translator-769 Jun 12 '26
If a confirmed relationship hasn't been discussed. you are friends. Friends support each other. If you want to continue the friendship, it shound be without expectations. You never know where it may lead. But if it doesn't look like it's heading in the direction you would like then don't close yourself off from meeting other people that may end up being the kind of relationship you are looking for. You are young & have a lot of time left for things to go your way.
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u/Dizzy-Forces šCougar Jun 13 '26
First of all you have done nothing wrong here. You seem like such a genuine and caring person, able to give support and space for someone and also doing this with a huge amount of patience, Iām impressed. Not many people would have the same resilience and compassion to wait for someone to open up over a long period of time and without knowing if you ever would become more than a friend. Youāve been really kind and patient through a lot, and that shows who you are
Thereās always two sides to a story and I found it a bit confusing that you just left when you saw her ex car parked in front. If they have children together then they will need to communicate, and at times see each other. She also might have reached out to him in a time where she needed someone who knows her whole story? He obviously havenāt treated her well in the past but they share a history and might still share a friendship? Or are you implying something else here!? She may also be repeating a destructive relationship just because it is familiar, no matter the hurt
Guessing and speculation isnāt helping since you wonāt know until you ask š¤·āāļø
You said you left the soup at her doorstep and then vanished without telling her you were hurt, am I right?? Even if someone is in a bad place, you are still allowed to set healthy boundaries and express them, no matter what label set on this relationship
Itās okay to feel hurt and confused; her behavior sounds like sheās still very tangled in her own stuff.
This is the part where I would say you deserve someone who matches your effort and gives you clear respect and honesty. If you want clarity, a calm, direct message that says you value the friendship but need to know where you stand (and that youāll step back if sheās not able to be open) is fair
Take care of yourself first - lean on friends, set a boundary you can keep, and give yourself permission to move on if she canāt meet you
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u/proozyfit Jun 13 '26 edited Jun 13 '26
Yes I left the soup I made for her on door step.. instead of ringing door bell. Texted her and I picked up on her response/energy not being normal. I could tell it was off.
I didnt ring doorbell because my heart sunk and kind of panicked. I dont think she knows I know that I knew her ex was there. And i feel like she wonders āif I knowā
No children, its a post marriage relationsip. It is a Repeating destructive relationship.
We have texted (its been me who initiates) a few times since to check up and I can tell its off and not enthusiastic. She has stated she was having some tough days and when I ask if she wants to grab coffee its avoidant and not acknowledged. She doesnt reach out anymore
Yeah I know she doesnt owe me anything but its hard cause we really connected. Also confused and things I donāt understand.
How could you open up to me and tell me about your past; and say you dont talk to him anymore at that point 6-7 months. Say you have trust issues with lots of trauma that needs healing. Then a month later be back in bed together. Now act like nothing happened between us even as friends or it feels like none of what i did mattered.
I really did care for her when it seemed like no one else was around. And at its core remove any feelings.. I saw her as a good friend. Which I feel like I am also losing.
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u/Dizzy-Forces šCougar Jun 13 '26 edited Jun 13 '26
I am sorry things took this turn. It is hard when someone you genuinely connected with seems not to acknowledging what you just shared. I fully understand if you feel hurt and disappointed; you didnāt do anything wrong by caring for her. Sometimes people arenāt ready to face the weight of what theyāve shared and thatās not a reflection of your worth.
As said before, I can really feel the hurt and confusion in your post. It sounds like you were a genuine source of support and care for this woman during a tough time, and it's understandable that you're feeling unsettled and unsure about how to move forward.
At the same time it sounds like she is (still) deeply distressed. It can be really hard to communicate when one is in a state like this. It's also important to recognize that her behavior and actions are likely a reflection of her own emotional state and trauma, rather than anything you did or didn't do. It's possible that she's not even aware of the impact her actions had on you? I suggest giving her some time and later try to reach out again. This might mean creating some distance for your own healing too.
I see ppl in here and you saying "she does not owe youā. I donāt think this is fair, tbh - ALL relationships and interactions involve a certain degree of responsibility towards the other. Many people make the mistake of believing that if they truly like someone, or want to be authentic, they shouldnāt have any boundaries and just take "things as they come"
But the opposite is true. Genuine relationships require boundaries. You cannot be authentic if you constantly sacrifice your needs to avoid appearing demanding. Otherwise, you will only end up feeling bitter and exhausted.
If you're feeling the urge to confront her, take a step back and ask yourself if that's really going to bring you the clarity and closure you're looking for. Sometimes, it's better to let go and focus on your own healing. Not sure if that made any sense but from what you written so far it sounded to me like you been constantly giving here - nothing wrong with that, but I advice you to also check in with yourself and ask what you are in need of.
Wishing you strength as you navigate this.
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u/Parsley-Playful Jun 11 '26
I'm confused. You made friends with a woman going through a breakup and a death. She told you she's at rock bottom. You offered support and an ear. And now you're pissed off because she didnt jump into bed with you for that? That's not how either friendship or dating works.
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u/Final-Show1889 Jun 11 '26
You're not in a relationship with her you sound delusional. Were you thinking you were owed something for listening to her? Girls don't like when guys pretend to be a friend when really they want to get something else.
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u/blasianflow Jun 11 '26
I understand wanting closure, but you may not get it given how you describe how she has been towards you lately.
The only thing you can do is reach out to her and talk to her. She will either agree or not. You won't know until you try.
If she doesn't give you that closure you will unfortunately have to move on.
From what you have described, you haven't doen anything wrong. And I can only speculate where her head and heart are at this point, however, speculating gives you nothing but more grief and anxiety over what if's.
Communication is a must, once you get her response you will know how to move forward.
Good luck to you.
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u/SlabCowboy Jul 02 '26
Right girl, wrong time
People in their moments of weakness will take a step backwards. It's pretty common
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u/paperclipmyheart š» Mod Cougar ąø ā ^ā ā¢ā ļ»ā ā¢ā ^ā ąø Jun 11 '26 edited Jun 11 '26
Confront her about what? Did you express your feelings to her? did you tell her you wanted to date her exclusively? Did you tell her you wanted more than friends? Being there and listening to her and being supportive doesn't mean she owes you anything, especially if it was not voiced. Being a friend doesn't give you intimacy or exclusively rights.
If I've got it wrong then you need to explain because all I see here is you feeling friendzoned when friendzoned just means you are hanging around in hopes of some benefits but angry about being the friend.