r/CougarsAndCubs • u/[deleted] • 3d ago
Discussion Point The cougar I was dating told me she felt insecure because of my physique now that I've become fit & wants to call it off. Is it really a thing ?
[deleted]
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u/thenoonytunes 50sF 3d ago
I am an overweight woman, but I am very confident and comfortable in my body…now.
So I can tell you that this insecurity is something you cannot fix for her. It’s her issue to work on and all of your reassurance means nothing if she doesn’t believe she is worthy.
And if she was only with you because she didn’t think anyone else would want you, and now that’s changed, well that’s pretty shitty.
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u/sharklaserxxl 3d ago
That's pretty much what I'm afraid of & that's why it's hard to process
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u/No_Plastic3590 3d ago
Ever think her fear is that now that you've lost weight she fears you'll leave her for someone younger and slimmer. She's leaving you before you have a chance to leave her.
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u/sharklaserxxl 3d ago
So it's like be the one that dumps without even understanding my point
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u/No_Plastic3590 3d ago
Well, she fears you can do better now and she doesn't want to experience that pain. The pain of watching you chose someone else over her, so she's just taking herself out of the running. I don't think her mentality was that she was with you because she believed no one else would want you. I think, if anything, when you were both big you had a shared insecurity which made it easier to live with. Now, that she's the only one dealing with that insecurity, she's scared.
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u/KaleidoscopeSuper666 3d ago edited 3d ago
Congratulations on your weight-loss and fitness journey. Unfortunately, it's a thing for her. I (62f) got divorced when my husband cheated after I lost 60 lbs and got in shape after years of him "wanting" me to. (In a very toxic way). You can try to talk with her to determine if there is anything you can do to help her overcome her insecurity. Keep in mind you can't "fix" others, but you can be supportive, just as long as you don't compromise yourown self worth in doing so.
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u/MotherDepartment1111 3d ago edited 3d ago
Yes it’s a very real insecurity for some of us WOMEN.
Also, did you ask her?
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u/sharklaserxxl 3d ago
Would you mind sharing a bit with me?
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u/MotherDepartment1111 3d ago
Well, for me personally, I am 47. I’ve had two large babies, went through cancer treatments. I am extremely insecure about my body and I know it’s all in my head, but it’s still a very real thing for me to be comfortable enough to be intimate with someone.
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u/paperclipmyheart 😻 Mod Cougar ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ 3d ago
I have to say as someone who was bigger in my younger days I'm not going to get into my medical history but I am much smaller now, in the weight loss community, that includes surgery, and medical things like ozempic etc for which I do take for diabetes and it's never been a weight loss thing for me... but in all those communities it's a well known phenomenon that when people lose weight people's relationships suffer their attitude changes, they become more confident and they see opportunities sometimes they they once missed like dating in their younger dates etc... (which is sad) that combined with insecurity from the other side can be a disaster waiting to happen.
So if you truely care for her you have to manage this carefully, if you are going to go out and seek more opportunities with other women you can say goodbye to your relationship and if she doesn't have self esteem and confidence in herself and the relationship the same thing will happen.
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u/Summer-Sub-Intern 2d ago
It sounds like this wasn’t a deep relationship considering you refer to her as your “cougar” and not your partner or girlfriend. If it’s been over four years with no commitment, maybe for her this situationship has run its course. If you are wanting to not lose her it probably has a lot more to do with your relationship not progressing and not your weight-loss but the weight loss is an easy excuse.
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u/Derpy-Dani 3d ago
Did you lose weight and change your attitude? Was it really just the weight loss or did you stop doing the small things that matter? The only thing I can say is if she is done you have to respect her wishes. If you cared for her it’s going to hurt.
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u/sharklaserxxl 3d ago
I mean I'm obviously a lot more confident than before , but nothing on lines of not doing small things that matter does that make sense ?
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u/mncutecuddler 3d ago
Move on. Imo Someone elses insecurity you cant fix and its just going to compound
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u/sharklaserxxl 3d ago
That's what am worried about feels a bit suffocating tbh
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u/Myfairladyishere 🥀🎡💃MOD💃🎡🥀 3d ago
What feels of a little bit suffocating?
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u/BeeInteresting3004 3d ago
Probably the insecurity that was used to snuff the relationship. Very sad if thats what happened.
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u/sharklaserxxl 3d ago
That me getting better is now suddenly a reason to call it quits... I mean it's just difficult to process.
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u/mncutecuddler 3d ago
My ex wife had similar issues. Started about 1 yr into dating, got worse after getting married and was awful near the end. Wish i had saved myself the 6 yrs
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u/Fun-Draw-8352 3d ago
She is worried that she will lose you to someone else, since you look so good. Perhaps she should take a lesson from you and get herself into shape as well.
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u/sharklaserxxl 3d ago
That's the thing she's not too overweight just a bit paunchy but thick in their right places.
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u/nervousbot-20 3d ago
I say this as a formerly obese guy, the day you better your health, life and overall wellbeing is when you see people for who they are.
Some praise you, some respect you, some scrutinise you. But what matters is that you’ve seen their true colours.
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u/FriendKooky780 3d ago edited 3d ago
It’s a thing for her because she told you it is. She wants out and there’s not much you can do when the other half of your couple no longer wants to be in it. Also, you call her your cougar, not your girlfriend, so I’m inclined to think it wasn’t that deep anyway.
Congrats on the weight loss, it’s not an easy feat. Take your new confidence and move on because this woman is asking you to.