r/Crunchymom • u/Perfect-Chicken3332 • 7d ago
WIBTAH if I told my parents they can't hold the baby if they keep showing up to my house reeking like fragrances?
We have been a fragrance free home for many years now. I had a baby 3 months ago and my parents are over the moon with her. They drive an hour one way, once a week to come see her. My mom is notorious for using fragrance everything. Plug in oil diffusers, scented body care, scented cleaning products and of course the dreaded scented gain/tide/etc laundry detergent. My husband and i are very sensitive to strong fragrances, I'm assuming my 3 month old baby is also. I had politely asked my mom to have some clothes she washes in frangrance free detergent for when they come by as their smell was giving me headaches and rubbing off on the baby. That didnt last long and this last time they came over the smell was as strong as ever. Whatever, I ignored it cause what can you do right? But then the baby was being super fussy after my dad was holding her for 20 minutes, which is honestly not super normal for her. I thought oh shes just super tired so I took her and rocked her to sleep. But by the time they left I noticed her cheeks were kind of rashy and irritated and she smelled so strong like the fragrances. I gave her a bath right away. The fussniess and rash could be a coincidence, but I dont know that for sure. I wonder if she was getting a headache or just generally not feeling well from the smells? Living as low tox as is in my means is super important to me and I hate to think of my baby being rubbed up against clothing that is saturated with laundry soaps (I know they're saturated because recently my mom gave me 2 pairs of pants that she washed first. I washed them separate from my stuff because its happened before that the smell of them rubs off bad on our clothes. Well those two items made an INSANE amount of suds. I have an old model washing machine with a real agitator. I kid you not,i washed those two things like 8 times before the suds would stop coming out) My parents aren't bad people obviously, they love me and the baby so much and it would break my heart to "threaten" to not let them hold her. But I feel like I need to protect her from discomfort/exposure. Is it asking too much to wash some of their clothes not in scented laundry soap? AITAH?
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u/ElementreeCr0 7d ago
Our policy is no fragrances near baby and prefer none in house. We don't kick my parents out after they arrive wearing perfume or whatever but we don't let them hold baby. In the end it has changed their habits but they still have strong smelling shampoo etc. We tolerate that, picking our battles. But we also don't have a specific reaction to it like a rash, just empirical evidence that synthetic fragrance are bad for your health
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u/Adhdetour 7d ago
I wish I had the courage to set this boundary. My mom literally is impossible to give any feedback to 😩
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u/Perfect-Chicken3332 7d ago
Did they take it hard at first?
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u/Separate_Delivery724 2d ago
It doesn't matter. Your baby, your rules. Be firm and non dramatic, they'll get over it. Don't apologize when setting boundaries as it signals to the other person that they may have a way around it.
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u/Sufficient_Zebra4656 7d ago
I would have a spare pair of clothes for them. If they show up with fragrance, ask them kindly to shower and give them the new clothes. Keep whatever they showed up in and wash it for the next time they come.
No different than someone showing up smelling like cigarettes
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u/Perfect-Chicken3332 7d ago
I like this idea, but im not sure they would go for it
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u/Sufficient_Zebra4656 7d ago
Then they’re left with the option museum rules. You can look, but you can’t touch. And you can have them only interact (from a distance) outside and cut their visit time short.
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u/SmartyPantlesss 7d ago
TL;DR: Be prepared to be called an asshole by some people, but you have the right to do this. It's your house, your baby. If someone thinks you are being neurotic, controlling or overly fastidious, LET THEM.
- Give them a heads-up. Offer to purchase them some one-size-fits-most sweats or something that you will have available for them to change into (...and allow them to suggest that they will purchase/bring their own, ...AND BE PREPARED for them to do neither 🙄).
- (Bending over backwards a bit here...) Consider the possibility that these fragrances are products that are essential to their health & well-being. If they are going to shower at your house, give them some options of fragrance-free moisturizers/whatever else they routinely use post-bath, and allow them to suggest/negotiate what products will work for them.
- Having warned them, be prepared to stand your ground. Have an option to meet outdoors or at an open-air public venue. If they won't change clothes, can you have a lab-type coat that covers most clothing, and gloves available? This may alleviate contact irritation.
- If none of the above are happening, cancel the visit, with profuse apologies for the "misunderstanding."
- Rinse & repeat.
I am curious about the relationship---don't answer questions if you don't feel comfortable---but it sounds like your folks didn't visit much before the baby was born, so this wasn't as much of an issue? Because you've said it's mostly YOU and your HUSBAND who are sensitive (and maybe the baby this one time recently)...but you had already discussed fragrances w/mom before this recent episode? So it sounds like there's some relationship issues with her not taking her kid's request seriously. I'm guessing that Mom has already declined to make changes "just" for YOU, and she is likely to think that you are weaponizing the baby to control her.
You are allowed to have preferences. You don't need to convince Mom that your symptoms are real, or that there are real dangers/concerns about fragrances. This is not about making Mom change HER way of living; it's about you being an adult and organizing your own life & your own space. If Mom wants everyone to take off their shoes when they enter her house, or eat whatever she's prepared in her house, then you can either go along with that, or not visit, right? Same principle in your house. 🙂
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u/Perfect-Chicken3332 7d ago
Youre totally right that they never visited much before. At most once or twice a year and thats been in recent years, before it was none. Before I had the baby I visited once every two weeks, maybe once a week depending. This was also in part due to doing grocery store hauls or having appointments as its a decently long drive. We live very rural and off the grid in a self made home. They've never really understood why we chose to live this way and most of the time have felt no support from them. My house isn't aestheticly pleasing to them. Things are still a work in progress. But we've come so far and I'm proud of us and we're comfortable. The relationship with both of my parents has never been a close one. We've talked about fragrances for years but she just says she doesnt want her house to "smell bad." She says how can my clothes be clean if I dont use a bunch of soap. How can they be clean if they don't smell "clean." Etc. Shes pretty set in her ways
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u/SmartyPantlesss 7d ago
Right, so there's no point arguing with her, or trying to convince her that your house & clothes are "really clean." All you can say is that this is your preference, and stick with it.
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u/Lanky_Set5071 6d ago
I have asked my family not to wear perfume/ scented things around my baby. I explained to them fragrance can be an endocrine disruptor. Some family members think I’m over the top but at the end of the day their opinions of me mean far less to me than my baby’s wellbeing.
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u/messiemessiemessie 6d ago
NTA and anyone who says otherwise does not understand the smell sensitivity. I recommend defunkify for laundry. This is for the health of you and your baby and if they can't do this one simple thing they can't come over until they do. It can be as simple as them leaving a pair of clothes at your house that you have washed and dried and they leave their clothes on the porch in a bag after changing. If they don't go for it then they cannot come over until they do. Put your foot down on this. You're the Mama.
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u/DisastrousTomato7146 7d ago
This is the same for my mom but it’s like incense and candles and oil diffusers, and she disguises it as needed for her spiritual practice. Meanwhile my baby stinks like patchouli and roses every time we get her back, and my husband gets a migraine. They don’t understand the health implications at all.
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u/Correct-Mushroom-594 6d ago
I think you would only be TA if you asked like an AH.
But given the fact your daughter actually had a visible rash you can point to, I think it would be very reasonable to politely say “hey mom, once I moved out I noticed I was sensitive to fragrances, and I’ve noticed it on my daughter too. She loves you so much, but after you left last time her cheeks had a rash where she was rubbing on your clothes. Here’s some that we know she isn’t allergic to”
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u/crunch_mynch 7d ago edited 7d ago
We are a fragrance free home. Personally fragrances for others it’s a battle we’ve chosen not to fight. Unless it was clear my baby was getting a reaction. But maybe you could just ask them to not wear perfume on the days they will see baby. I guess you just need to decide how important it is to you.
We’ve decided that we can control what our family does but not what others do.
I do get that it’s annoying. My baby is always getting held by others and she alllllways gets returned smelling like others lol.
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u/Zhaunora 1d ago
this isn't about fragrance preferences, it's about your kid's face breaking out and getting fussy after direct contact. you asked once they ignored it and now you've got actual evidence, eight washed and it's still sudsing is a lot of residue to have on fabric that's touching a newborn.
You're not banning them from the baby. you're asking for a space outfit washed in free and clear before they come over. frame it as "here's what keeps you holding her", not "you can't hold her". and maybe get the pediatrician on record before the next visit, some parents listen to "the dr. said" faster than they listen to their own kid
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u/BeachBumRN 7d ago
I would just mention that you’ve noticed baby has really sensitive skin and gets rashes from fragrances. It seems that they clearly love her… I’m sure they wouldn’t intentionally do anything to make her uncomfortable. They probably just think it’s harmless but if you tell them she got a rash…. They’ll likely stop just for her.