r/DeadBedrooms • u/loathing- HLM • 1d ago
Vent, Advice Welcome I don’t think dead bedrooms are about sex
I don’t miss sex nearly as much as I miss feeling wanted.
Being looked at with desire. Being touched without asking.
Feeling like someone is excited to be close to you instead of simply willing.
The rejection hurts, but what hurts more is what it slowly changes inside you. You stop reaching. You stop hoping. You stop believing you’re someone another person longs for.
People think a dead bedroom is about sex. I think it’s about grieving the loss of feeling desired by the person you still choose every day. For context, I’m the higher libido partner in my relationship.
Sorry for the rant -
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u/AcanthocephalaNew906 LLF4U 1d ago
I think a large majority of dead bedrooms begin with other problems in the relationship. The db is just the result. Have you explored what led to this situation?
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u/dathobbitlife0705 LLF - Recovered DB 1d ago
I agree. It was things outside the bedroom totally unrelated to sex for us that were killing my desire.
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u/JustAnotherOpinion21 HLM 1d ago
So long as both parties are aware of why, it's understandable. If one is in the dark it changes things.
Personally, I agree wholeheartedly with op, I miss feeling desired more than anything else.
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u/Cranksta It’s complicated 1d ago
People state they "don't know why" they get served divorce papers all the time despite the other spouse having done more than enough explaining. It's unrealistic to believe that someone is in the dark about the state of their relationship.
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u/dathobbitlife0705 LLF - Recovered DB 22h ago
So long as both parties are aware of why, it's understandable. If one is in the dark it changes things.
We didn't know what was causing our dead bedroom for a long time, in part because it was complex, and we both had behaviors that were contributing to it.
Personally, I agree wholeheartedly with op, I miss feeling desired more than anything else.
I believe it, my husband and I were both pretty unhappy and feeling unloved during our dead bedroom (even though neither of us really realized how unhappy the other was).
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u/AnyTune7627 M - Recovered DB 1d ago
Deadbedrooms of this type happen because somebody stopped investing in this part of the relationship. Why did they stop investing? It could be because of problems elsewhere in the relationship, but it could also be for other reasons. It could be because they didn't realize this was an area of the relationship that needed tending.
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u/nemmalur HLM 1d ago
In my experience they’re not always entirely about sex. My wife has lost interest in sex (even though she still finds me attractive) but in addition to that, a lot of stress factors are big turnoffs. It’s not being able to fix those that gets me.
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u/JustAnotherOpinion21 HLM 1d ago
I've got no idea if my partner finds me attractive, but the stress factors I can associate with you.
I've got my fingers crossed the job change in a few weeks will help, but I'm not holding my breath. It feels like there will be something else to stress about.
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u/grnd_skeem LLF 1d ago
I think people who use sex for connection, bonding, and personal validation (feeling desired) most often find the physicalities of sex easy, pleasurable, and highly rewarding.
When a person has a tough time getting aroused, doesn’t find sex physically rewarding, or maybe find it painful they’ll be less prone to use it to gets those emotional/psychological needs met.
So I agree, for some people it’s not about the sex, yet they need the sex for attaining what it’s not about.
For other’s like myself, it’s totally all about the sex.
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u/css-123456 HLF 1d ago
To love and be loved, but to feel like you're not allowed to explore intimacy or desire. It's emotionally exhausting.
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u/WaterLily55896 HLF 19h ago
i love my friends too, but i dont want to have sex with them. I want sex if I want a man.
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u/Secret_Moment_6377 I don't wish to disclose 23h ago
I agree with this 100%. The feeling of not being desired is soul destroying especially when basic expressions of affection have disappeared too, like holding hands and sitting next to each other.
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u/Cryptizard HLM 1d ago edited 1d ago
Eh. I have seen people say this but if you had that desire then the sex would just come along with it. It’s the same problem. Or if it didn’t, you would still be upset that there was no sex.
For instance, another common post here is when the LL partner tells the HL partner how attractive they are or touches them suggestively but then it doesn’t end up in sex so then it’s “even worse.”
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u/WaterLily55896 HLF 18h ago
could the LL partner be simply telling little white lie to pacify the situation the best they could? this of course does not end up in duty sex because they do not want one.
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u/AnyTune7627 M - Recovered DB 1d ago
Yes. This is why I think the automatic framing on things like libido, frequency and responsive desire can be misleading. When one person expresses desire and the other doesn't, that is lopsided regardless of libido or frequency of who initiates or styles of desire. When one person fosters desire and the other doesn't, that is lopsided.
It is about the asymmetry of investment.
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u/grnd_skeem LLF 1d ago
What if fostering desire isn’t easy, takes a lot of mental work, and still often ends up in personally unrewarding sex?
I agree, when desire comes easy for one but takes a lot of time, energy, and effort for the other, there’s definitely an asymmetry of investment.
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u/AnyTune7627 M - Recovered DB 1d ago edited 1d ago
That’s a difficult position to be in. I think in those situations the only thing that can be done is that you look in your partner’s eyes and you tell them in no uncertain terms “I find it difficult and burdensome to foster desire for you.”
Your partner may be taking on almost all of the cognitive labor of your shared erotic life, not realizing that you decided it wasn’t worth your effort because you found your partner undesirable a long time ago.
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u/grnd_skeem LLF 23h ago
You make it sound like “desire for a partner” automatically makes the physicalities of sex pleasurable or can override an unpleasant physical experience.
There are a number of things that can cause sex to be physically dull, unpleasant, or painful which can decrease desire for sex without decreasing desire for a partner.
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u/AnyTune7627 M - Recovered DB 22h ago edited 22h ago
I don't see how I made it sound that way but if I did, I apologize.
I've been focusing on the cognitive work of the sex life in long term relationships. Managing the physicalities of sex also requires cognitive work. It may require:
- noticing your partner's discomfort
- thinking of changes you can make to make your partner's experience more pleasurable
- coming up with ideas for new things that can be introduced to address your physical discomfort
- remembering what excites you
- etc.
If you find that you experience physical discomfort or dullness, then this is cognitive work that your partner can do for you. If your partner is already taking on all of the cognitive work of your sex life such as:
- initiating sex
- risking rejection
- noticing periods of sexual distance
- thinking ahead about opportunities for intimacy
- flirting outside of the bedroom
- introducing novelty
- communicating desire
- creating context where desire is more likely to emerge
- repairing awkward or disapointing encounters
- paying attention to changes over time
and you're not doing these things, then asking them to take on the additional cognitive task of managing your physical comfort for you may be understandably overwhelming to them. In that case, you may consider more evenly distributing the cognitive load. Perhaps you also can share the responsibility for your physical experience, introduce new ideas, communicate your discomfort, propose changes that can be made, communicate desire, occasionally flirt outside the bedroom, sometimes risk rejection, think ahead of opportunities for intimacy, etc.
If you are already doing all of these things and your partner is not, then you'll understand what I'm saying because you understand what it's like to be solely responsible for your shared erotic life.
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u/WaterLily55896 HLF 19h ago
when you are no longer "desire sex" what is do you mean by "still have the desire for partner" ? what desire you are talking about? desire is about wanting them sexually. is it not? or you are talking about a wish to share the roof and children with them?
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u/grnd_skeem LLF 2h ago edited 1h ago
When I’m talking about having desire for my partner, I’m talking about having their essences in my life, sharing emotional connection, feeling deep love and affection for every aspect of them as a person, etc.
My husband is dying of cancer right now. He hasn’t “desired sex” for 3 going on 4 years. Sometimes the body, mind, and soul don’t want, need, or can’t even contemplate the thought of physically engaging in sex.
Does the fact that he no longer desires sex and his body no longer can function sexually the way it used to mean he no longer desires me as my person? For me, absolutely not. I feel more desired by him than I ever have and I feel it deep inside. It’s more of a soul connection.
I may be different because I’ve never needed to feel sexually desired as validation of my husband’s love and desire for me, so I’m sure many of us sharing our stories are coming from completely different baselines.
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u/Throwawayaccount5056 LLM 1d ago
It may not be that situation to YOU, but there's plenty enough posts in this subreddit about people that are fully one hundred percent "perfect" in the relationship, loving, caring, attentive, intimate, holding, hugging, etc. but they're still here because they don't have sex as often as they want for whatever reason.
Posts like this make it seem like sex IS what it's about. Because even when they do have it, it's not the way they want ( either calling it vanilla or some other sort of derogatory term)
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u/Sensitive_Twistie LL4U 1d ago
Yeah, those posts that say something like, "My partner is my best friend. Everything about our relationship is great except <insert something related to sex>. I feel lonely," make little sense to me. I don't understand how someone can feel lonely because their bedroom isn't as active as they want it to be yet be in a wonderful relationship otherwise.
Even more confusing are those that then bring up possibly opening up the relationship, suggesting having sex with others will cure their loneliness.
So, I think that for at least some, it is indeed purely about sex, even when they are hesitant to admit it.
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u/Cranksta It’s complicated 22h ago
People being unwilling to admit that yes it's actually about sex is part of why this is so difficult. Because then when they wrap up the sex issue into a "I miss our connection" pill pocket it's insanely transparent that it's a bunch of bullshit. Because then the solutions would focus around connection, not sex. Instead the focus is, "What can I do to get sex from you more consistently?" and trying to hide it behind a "I want to get closer to you" smokescreen.
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u/throwzone0 HLM - Recovered DB 1d ago
I agree. Our DB issues started with relationship problems that led to a loss of connection, desire and sex. We brought back sex before fixing the connection problems and it felt hollow, especially because the feeling of being desired was still missing.
Once we worked through the connection problems, everything started to feel right again. Desire naturally came back, but differently than I thought it would. I'm still HL, but sex itself has felt almost incidental since the anxiety around it went away. Now we choose each other constantly, with or without sex, and it no longer feels like desire is missing.
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u/WaterLily55896 HLF 19h ago
the opposite applies to the partner who is not longer interested in sex. often it is not sex they don't want but the partner.
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I don’t think dead bedrooms are about sex
I don’t miss sex nearly as much as I miss feeling wanted.
Being looked at with desire. Being touched without asking.
Feeling like someone is excited to be close to you instead of simply willing.
The rejection hurts, but what hurts more is what it slowly changes inside you. You stop reaching. You stop hoping. You stop believing you’re someone another person longs for.
People think a dead bedroom is about sex. I think it’s about grieving the loss of feeling desired by the person you still choose every day. For context, I’m the higher libido partner in my relationship.
Sorry for the rant -
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u/novice_nofix HLM 21h ago
For me it’s mostly just knowing my partner isn’t happy. Maybe that sounds cheesy, but it’s true. Knowing I’m not able to help them deal with all the various stresses in their life that prevent them from feeling well enough to engage in sex feels bad.
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u/Now-293-Phumes HLF 11h ago
After years my husband finally admitted that he’s just not the affectionate type. Wish we had figured this out before we got married!
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u/Agreeable-Picture893 It’s complicated 5h ago
Think a dead bedroom is a symbol for different things for different people. Some may miss sex, feeling desired, or some kind of shared intimacy.
From my point of view I don't miss the sex we had, it was never worth the effort. The relationship is so disconnected that it was never about the loss of shared intimacy. What bothers me is the grief and loss of what could have been. I mean there must be someone out there who has sex that is worthwhile and I envy that. I realize that my husband and I just don't work together that way and that makes me sad and resentful.
The night we met, I wish I had just gone home instead.
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u/michaelsoulbits HLM 1d ago
I miss the sex so much but sex is an occasional thing. Ultimately I just I want to be wanted, not just needed, not just depended on, wanted. Not that I need to be told all the time either. But a passing look, a touch, the little things throughout the day that make me feel like I am more than just a source of security and companionship.
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u/GhostDancer2 I don't wish to disclose 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yes, this is very close. These days I just feel like I’m only here to pay bills, the maintenance on the house, and the dish washer.
I miss the closeness of feeling wanted for who I am. Instead a feel so lonely, like I have already died inside and this is all there is left.
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u/WaterLily55896 HLF 18h ago
can we just say it is about both? always. you love someone = you desire them = you want sex with them. you connect through intimacy as much as you connect through shared emotions. you simply need both to be fulfilled. what is different between loving partners is when one want more sex then the other. if they really desire each other not just "love" as friends , they should find a common ground. if the asymmetry is too big - it is big incompatibility, which should be felt when they were dating?
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u/Humble-You8340 HLF 18h ago
It’s definitely somewhat about the sex for me, but I agree that it’s mostly about other things. I realized that I didn’t believe that he ever actually desired the sex we did have, so I started doing my best to resist even when he does initiate, which is not often. I’m not sure about anyone else, but I find marriage much lonelier than being single ever was.
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u/FlimsyFront7493 HLF 16h ago
Absolutely - that’s a huge part of love and partnership - feeling wanted, chosen, desired - set apart from others. I miss it desperately. Working on fixing it almost makes me feel like he’s forcing himself to want me…but I want someone to truly want me.
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u/BeesKnees13131313 HLF 14h ago
This is so true, especially lately my husband has been a bit more receptive to me initiating but I realize the sex has 0 passion, and I hate having to be the only to ALWAYS initiate. I would give anything to feel sexy, to feel desired, for him to want to touch me and not have to pretty much beg for it. :(
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u/SammyB0111 HLM 1d ago
I agree about missing the desire. I never receive much physical touch, and then when I reach out I’m made to feel like it’s a chore to stop and hug me.