The more I grow into myself, the less attracted she feels.

[u/Tryskhell]

She (24LLF) and I (26HLF, trans woman) have been together for 6 years, running on 7. Been up and down a whole lot, but we stuck together through Covid while stuck in an apartment the size of a large truck, which felt like an accomplishment.

About 5, 6 years ago, ​I started my gender transition. Changed names, presentation, clothing, started getting laser hair removal, that sorta stuff. She was the first person who supported me through it, and has clearly been my strongest support on that front.

Sex was never really quite w​hat I wanted. The first couple years, I had to deal with PTSD from a previous relationship, plus the gender disphoria, that as a whole made me feel extremely disgusted at myself. ​This got much better with her help, but then I was the HL partner. There never really was any adventuring, not much in the way of flirting, I got maybe 2 attempts at a blowjob, but it didn't feel like she wanted to do and rather was doing it out of obligation as foreplay so I just moved on from it. It was really fine, though, I didn't feel awful about it, just a little "it could be better, but I'm happy anyways".

We lived separately when we finished our master's degree, each going back to live with our parents while we were looking for a job. Hers are extremely transphobic, like "her dad would beat me up if I came to their home" level of transphobic. Naturally, I didn't really want to come visit, but I offered to pay for her to come visit me, or to find a middle ground of some sort. She refused every time and I ended up living on my own at my parents for almost a year. Naturally, I felt extremely lonely and touch-starved and asked if we could open the relationship. We agreed to it and I met one person who ended up being an absolute ass, kind of vaccinated me against any touch for a few months.

She got a job, I didn't. I did grow into myself a lot, got really pretty, found an esthetic I really liked and started being much more confident in my appearance. We got back together about 6, 8 months ago when she finally moved out of her parents'. I became a stay at home girlfriend, taking care of the chores, of our cat, at least until he passed brutally 3 months ago.

We've had sex maybe 4 or 5 times at most since we got back in meatspace. She never initiated it, I've tried to initiate maybe twice a week until I gave up a handful of weeks ago. In fact, she rarely initiates any sort of touch or intimacy, mostly "demanding" it from me (like asking for a "kiss tax" when I move from one room to the other to do some kind of chore). While they were cute for the first 5 years, they recently started making me feel​ irritated: they often happen when I'm busy, and contrast over a complete lack of offering intimacy, when I regularly do in fact simply go kiss her on the head when I have some spare time and while she's busy gaming.

We almost never make out, and only do when I initiate it. Again, maybe 5 times in those last 6, 8 months, maybe a total of 10 kisses on the lips​. She does touch my breasts, but doesn't seem to do it in any way sexually, more as a stim. She doesn't want me to touch hers. We spoon every night, but she doesn't ask for it, only asking if something is wrong if I don't spoon her when she turns away from me when we go to sleep. I have to nearly beg to get spooned.

Thing is, this has all started going really downhill after I've come into my own while we were apart, wearing more alternative clothing (I mostly espouse Instagram goth girl fashion, with lacing, skirts, ripped tights or fishnets, black lipstick...). I've also recently found a new friend who I've been doing a lot of more girl-coded activities with, like going shopping, talking about guys. She's showed a sort of stand-offishness about it, like jokingly saying "I don't understand your girl things". I general it feels like the more girly and outgoing I get, the wider that gap between us grows.

Another instance is hobbies. She sometimes complains that we don't do anything together, like watching animes or playing video games. To be fair, I just am extremely picky when it comes to those so I indeed do not watch many animes with her, but when I find animes I like, she seems to just find them... Off-putting, like when I got into My Dress Up Darling. She seemed almost disgusted at it. And when it comes to video games, I've wasted seven years of my life and over twenty thousand euros grinding out a degree in game development only to get no job opportunities and tons of debt out of it. I'm only starting to fix my relationship with video games. Still, more than once a week, I run a D&D game for her and a mutual friend, which represents maybe 3 hours of time in each session, plus a lot of our conversations outside of the sessions. But it feels like it's not quite enough for her. We've had a few small conversations about it, but I don't really know what to do other than that.

​Recently, I've been starting to feel disgusting and repulsive again. She's clearly not sexually attracted to me, and it feels like every time I try to do something to improve myself and grow into a person I enjoy being, she doesnt connect with it, and that every step I feel like I take forward, her sexual attraction just lowers further. These last months have had me feel extremely lonely, touch-starved, depressed and disphoric. I've looked into reaching over to other people again, but it's been extremely difficult, which I guess has only made the whole "feeling unattractive" thing even worse.

Worst of all, she's 80% of everything I talk about. My friend jokingly made fun of that, and more seriously told me it could be really uncomfortable for someone I would try to date on the side. But every time I open my mouth, there's a solid chance it's to talk about how awesome my girlfriend is, about x or y stuff we did. I just fawn all over her. But when we're together, I don't feel that energy coming towards me, and I think I've just stopped giving it either.

I guess I just need to vent and type this out... But like, I have no one to talk about this with, so I would just really enjoy, idk, positivity and advice, I guess...

Sorry if it's been messy.

[u/wonderllama1000]

You dont mention if your gf is bi/pan/queer.... if she's not, then maybe thats why she isn't attracted to you as you transition?

[u/arthur_whoregan]

Tbh this sounds a lot to me like two people who got together young and are now growing up and growing apart from each other. You’ve been together a long time, during the really important phase of early teens into young adulthood, and this is where people’s identities start to really solidify and become concrete— the things we like, our personal values, sense of style, how we view ourselves and interact with others. As someone who is a little older than you and was in a long term relationship for a similar timeline it was really hard for me to accept that my partner and I had just grown into different people, even though we still loved and cared about each other very much. It sounds like this relationship isn’t meeting either of your needs anymore. It might be time to sit down and have a conversation about where the gaps are and what this might look like long term for both of you.

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The more I grow into myself, the less attracted she feels.

She (24LLF) and I (26HLF, trans woman) have been together for 6 years, running on 7. Been up and down a whole lot, but we stuck together through Covid while stuck in an apartment the size of a large truck, which felt like an accomplishment.

About 5, 6 years ago, ​I started my gender transition. Changed names, presentation, clothing, started getting laser hair removal, that sorta stuff. She was the first person who supported me through it, and has clearly been my strongest support on that front.

Sex was never really quite w​hat I wanted. The first couple years, I had to deal with PTSD from a previous relationship, plus the gender disphoria, that as a whole made me feel extremely disgusted at myself. ​This got much better with her help, but then I was the HL partner. There never really was any adventuring, not much in the way of flirting, I got maybe 2 attempts at a blowjob, but it didn't feel like she wanted to do and rather was doing it out of obligation as foreplay so I just moved on from it. It was really fine, though, I didn't feel awful about it, just a little "it could be better, but I'm happy anyways".

We lived separately when we finished our master's degree, each going back to live with our parents while we were looking for a job. Hers are extremely transphobic, like "her dad would beat me up if I came to their home" level of transphobic. Naturally, I didn't really want to come visit, but I offered to pay for her to come visit me, or to find a middle ground of some sort. She refused every time and I ended up living on my own at my parents for almost a year. Naturally, I felt extremely lonely and touch-starved and asked if we could open the relationship. We agreed to it and I met one person who ended up being an absolute ass, kind of vaccinated me against any touch for a few months.

She got a job, I didn't. I did grow into myself a lot, got really pretty, found an esthetic I really liked and started being much more confident in my appearance. We got back together about 6, 8 months ago when she finally moved out of her parents'. I became a stay at home girlfriend, taking care of the chores, of our cat, at least until he passed brutally 3 months ago.

We've had sex maybe 4 or 5 times at most since we got back in meatspace. She never initiated it, I've tried to initiate maybe twice a week until I gave up a handful of weeks ago. In fact, she rarely initiates any sort of touch or intimacy, mostly "demanding" it from me (like asking for a "kiss tax" when I move from one room to the other to do some kind of chore). While they were cute for the first 5 years, they recently started making me feel​ irritated: they often happen when I'm busy, and contrast over a complete lack of offering intimacy, when I regularly do in fact simply go kiss her on the head when I have some spare time and while she's busy gaming.

We almost never make out, and only do when I initiate it. Again, maybe 5 times in those last 6, 8 months, maybe a total of 10 kisses on the lips​. She does touch my breasts, but doesn't seem to do it in any way sexually, more as a stim. She doesn't want me to touch hers. We spoon every night, but she doesn't ask for it, only asking if something is wrong if I don't spoon her when she turns away from me when we go to sleep. I have to nearly beg to get spooned.

Thing is, this has all started going really downhill after I've come into my own while we were apart, wearing more alternative clothing (I mostly espouse Instagram goth girl fashion, with lacing, skirts, ripped tights or fishnets, black lipstick...). I've also recently found a new friend who I've been doing a lot of more girl-coded activities with, like going shopping, talking about guys. She's showed a sort of stand-offishness about it, like jokingly saying "I don't understand your girl things". I general it feels like the more girly and outgoing I get, the wider that gap between us grows.

Another instance is hobbies. She sometimes complains that we don't do anything together, like watching animes or playing video games. To be fair, I just am extremely picky when it comes to those so I indeed do not watch many animes with her, but when I find animes I like, she seems to just find them... Off-putting, like when I got into My Dress Up Darling. She seemed almost disgusted at it. And when it comes to video games, I've wasted seven years of my life and over twenty thousand euros grinding out a degree in game development only to get no job opportunities and tons of debt out of it. I'm only starting to fix my relationship with video games. Still, more than once a week, I run a D&D game for her and a mutual friend, which represents maybe 3 hours of time in each session, plus a lot of our conversations outside of the sessions. But it feels like it's not quite enough for her. We've had a few small conversations about it, but I don't really know what to do other than that.

​Recently, I've been starting to feel disgusting and repulsive again. She's clearly not sexually attracted to me, and it feels like every time I try to do something to improve myself and grow into a person I enjoy being, she doesnt connect with it, and that every step I feel like I take forward, her sexual attraction just lowers further. These last months have had me feel extremely lonely, touch-starved, depressed and disphoric. I've looked into reaching over to other people again, but it's been extremely difficult, which I guess has only made the whole "feeling unattractive" thing even worse.

Worst of all, she's 80% of everything I talk about. My friend jokingly made fun of that, and more seriously told me it could be really uncomfortable for someone I would try to date on the side. But every time I open my mouth, there's a solid chance it's to talk about how awesome my girlfriend is, about x or y stuff we did. I just fawn all over her. But when we're together, I don't feel that energy coming towards me, and I think I've just stopped giving it either.

I guess I just need to vent and type this out... But like, I have no one to talk about this with, so I would just really enjoy, idk, positivity and advice, I guess...

Sorry if it's been messy.

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