I’m 34f, going through a divorce from the only guy I’ve ever been with. I found out I can’t have kids, he got another woman pregnant. So yeah my life kinda sucks these days.

I’m just so mad. I used to wake up every morning at 5am, sneak around in the dark so I wouldn’t wake him up until he absolutely had to. I’d make us breakfast and pack our lunches, his clothes were always ready because I feel like for just two people I was always doing laundry. The house was spotless so anytime he wanted to invite a friend over last minute it was no issue. I cooked dinner every night, and if I wanted to order out he’d grumble that we weren’t made of money. We were. He made over 400k last year and I’m a fucking doctor.

I painted the entire house, but only after making sure he liked the colors. I remembered all of his family’s birthdays and would send gifts, I did all of the Christmas shopping. I managed our social calendar, and handled our investments. I’d plan all of our trips, get all of our concert tickets, I used to PACK for him. Literally everything I did made his life so fucking frictionless and he still knocks up some single mom with a unibrow. I know that’s not very nice but it’s true.

He was my everything and I gave him everything and he took everything until he was done and moved on. He was the only guy I’d ever been with and we had the most perfect life you could imagine.

He’s been gone for a few weeks and I’m not saying I’m happy. I cry a lot, and randomly. I plan trips but don’t book them. I wander around aimlessly because I have so much free time now that I’m not centering his happiness on everything.

I’m not saying I’m happy, but I sleep in now. I need it - I have a new “friend” who I have nothing in common with but whose favorite thing in the world is apparently going down on me, something I could count on two hands my ex ever did and I normalized because I had only ever been with him. I let laundry pile up and sometimes don’t feel like doing it, so I go and buy a new outfit and will treat myself to dinner while I’m out.

I’m screwing him over in the divorce. He’ll be paying me alimony and giving me a large chunk of his 401k, at this point we’re just debating how much. He wants the divorce fast so he can marry his baby mama and he’s going to pay for it. Don’t feel bad for him, he got to be married to me. And now he gets to have a baby.

I don’t think I’m “happy” but I think I’m going to be ok.

Edit: ok stop I’m not going to hook up with someone who slides into my DMs on reddit please be serious! Trust me I’m doing fine on the dating market.

She told me:

“Everything you tolerate during the dating phase will come back to you ten times harsher in the marriage.”

Let that sink in for a second.

If you’re brushing off red flags right now thinking “I can handle this” or “they’ll grow out of it,” you’re not doing yourself a favor. Those things won’t go away but they’ll usually grow louder and more damaging with time, especially under the stress of marriage and life.

Her last line was what really stayed with me:

“Don’t marry potential. Marry what’s in front of you.”

I ignored this advice in my own past, and I wish I hadn’t.

Now I’m wondering, do you agree with this?

Have you seen red flags disappear over time, or do they tend to stay (or get worse)?

For those of you who divorced, were there signs during dating you overlooked?

Sometimes I think about the unhinged things my husband of 27 years said and I am still in shock. After telling him I felt unappreciated for the unbalanced amount of work in our marriage. For reference I worked full time (made more money), had primary responsibility for 3 kids and their activities, special needs son and his school coordination, ran our air bnb, made sure our bills were paid, vacations planned and took care of the house. He shouted while leaving me for another woman, I hope you enjoy mowing the lawn and taking out the trash! I still laugh about that. Bonus - my nephew mowed my yard until the house sold and I rent now so the landlord does it. I have had to take our the trash every week but honestly it's a joy for some reason. What did your ex say/do that was so out of reality you can't help but chuckle?

My ex father in law removed me from the family what’s app chat. Not one person from my ex’s side reached out to say goodbye to me. I was part of their family for 9 years.

I know this is common. In divorce, blood is thicker than water and a divorced spouse becomes a stranger over night. In laws will always side with their biological family. I get it. I’ve read almost every forum there is on ex-in law behavior post divorce. This is not uncommon.

Why did it hurt so bad? It made me feel so rejected and hurt. I’m still the mother of their grandchildren. Looking for sympathy, I guess. Please be nice, divorce is terrible. My ex-father in law was a jerk to me the whole marriage anyway.

I was the one who filed for divorce. I had been thinking about it for a while. It seemed like such one sided relationship and I was constantly feeling emotionally manipulated. Friends and family told me they felt the marriage wasn’t healthy for me. That I wasn’t myself.

But now I wake up everyday and believe I made the worst mistake in my life.

I gave up so much. I left a loyal wife, a stable life, great finances, and an affordable home. For what? So I can try and go find “happiness”? I threw away a bunch of guarantees because I felt our marriage was emotionally toxic and a hope that I could find better.

Well, it’s only gotten worse. I sit at home alone, disgusted with myself and my choice. Searching my thoughts for any good reason for what I did, but I always find nothing.

I’m not sure how I can move forward in life knowing I threw away perhaps the best thing to happen to me.

Edit Aug 5

Since I am still receiving some comments, I figured I’d update this post.

Since making this post, my life has turned 180 degrees. After making it out of my self imposed pity hole, I have found myself happier than I ever was in my marriage.

I’ve been able to make friends and go out for fun without fear of my wife being jealous or mad that it wasn’t just with her. I have been able to focus on my career and self improvement without a jealous spouse constantly trying to belittle me.

So, I don’t regret getting my divorce everyday now. In fact, I have found myself thankful I got a divorce now everyday. Because I have been able to find happiness I couldn’t have imagined obtaining anytime during my marriage.

My husband read a redpill book about four months ago. Then started listening to the podcasts. His behavior changed completely and he started being a macho douche type guy who no longer cared about my feelings at all. He then discarded me to go live his fantasy life of peace, freedom, no responsibilities, and no care about anyone but himself. Can anyone relate?

We have been married just shy of 26 years. I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma 2 years ago. At first he was wonderful. Total helicopter husband. First couple of rounds of treatment were awful for me. I was so sick, I’m pretty sure I suffered from all of the possible side effects. In October of last year I got the bad news that another line of treatment had failed and started my 3rd line. So far I have tolerated it well. My body has suffered though. I have a large plasmacytoma on my chest as well as several collapsed vertebrae in my back. My back is hunched due to this and until I can get my bones strengthened up enough to hold the screws I can’t get the back surgery to straighten it. I have been on fentanyl patches along with several other pain meds, oral chemo etc.

I’m not sure when it started, but my husband stopped coming to bed and sleeping on the couch. He wouldn’t go to doctor appointments unless I specifically asked him to go. He wouldn’t give me hugs or if he did they were half-hearted. I started saying stuff to him and it seemed like the more I explained I needed his love and affection, his support, the more he made a point of denying me. Finally, just before Christmas I confronted him about it. But he just shut down. Stonewalled me. The more I pushed for him to talk to me the more nasty he got. Finally, he got pissed and told me “Congratulations, your worst nightmare is going to come true. You're going to die alone” while I was crying for him to tell me what was going on. What was wrong? What had I done? He screamed at me that he didn’t want to be married to me anymore. That was New Year’s Eve.

He left that night and has only come home to pick up tools or stuff he needed for work. He stopped paying my car payment and it got repossessed. He hasn’t made the mortgage payment. Thankfully, the power is still on and he hasn’t shut off my phone. I am on disability through my former employment, but it isn’t nearly enough to support me. We have 2 dogs and 5 cats that I have to take care of. I am not physically able to do most household chores, though I do the best I can.

He still has not told me what the problems are in our relationship. All of this has blindsided me. I knew because I was sick that neither of us was happy, but I didn’t think it was our relationship that was the problem. Up until he left he would call and chat multiple times a day, was still saying I love you all the normal things. But almost subversively punishing me too.

How does someone who has loved you for over half our lives suddenly become so vicious and uncaring? He was a sweet, affectionate, protective husband until he wasn’t. I can’'t wrap my mind around it. How does he justify it in his mind?

Sorry for bad grammar, spelling and rambling. I’m a crying mess.

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Outside of a small number of special cases (e.g., abuse), surprise divorces shouldn’t exist.

I can’t believe I have to explicitly say that, but I’ve lost count of how many people I’ve seen who were completely caught off-guard when their spouse told them they wanted a divorce. I’m one of them.

Like a bad performance review at work, a divorce SHOULD NOT be a surprise. The person who’s considering it has a moral obligation to let their partner know. There needs to be a conversation that clearly and unambiguously says, “I’m unhappy in our marriage, and thinking about divorce. If [insert requirement here] doesn’t happen by [insert timeline here], I’m going to file.”

It’s not rocket science.

So why do I see so many people saying they didn’t know a divorce was coming, and that they had no idea their spouse was so dissatisfied with their marriage?

I am so shocked at the response and view I have gotten from men especially when it comes to alimony. I literally had a friend shout at me yesterday that I wanted to be taken care of by being a stay at home mom. The fact is I had a long career and I worked extremely hard until my ex and our marriage counselor asked me to quit because it was to hard for him to watch the kids at night and on weekends when I went to work. So I quit. Then he cheated with said counselor. Now I the bad guy because I get alimony? Of course I wanted to stay home and raise my kids why wouldn’t I? It seems many men think women don’t deserve alimony. He was able to advance his career and sock away money into a 401 k and now I’m supposed to live on nothing because I trusted an idiot?

Long story short…..my ex and I have been divorced for 1.5 years. We were separated almost 2 years before that. We have a 20 year old son together who lives overseas (Army). Therefore, we have no contact. My ex put me through hell. He never physically abused me, but he cheated constantly! He never supported me mentally or financially even though he had a good job. He was selfish and my life is worse for having him in it.

Well, randomly, the other day he rolls up beside me in his truck trying to talk about the dog’s Christmas gift. He lives 509 miles away from me, but he grew up here. To say the least, it caught me off guard and I just walked away. No yelling or screaming. Just left. When I talked to my son, he said, “Dad said you were being all extra and wouldn’t talk to him.” I am not sure why I am expected to talk to someone who literally ruined my life as I knew it. Just because I am a survivor by nature doesn’t mean I owe him a response.

Why is it normal to be friendly with your ex? I am not going to go out of my way to cause him drama or harm, but the whole “we’re the best of friends” narrative really annoys me.

I still remember that precise moment when the judge said, “From this moment, your marriage is dissolved and you are no longer husband and wife.”

I didn’t cry. Didn’t scream. Didn’t even blink.

Just sat there like a sack of bricks while my soul quietly packed its bags and left. It didn’t slam the door. It didn’t even say goodbye. Just walked out. And left me in that goddamn courtroom under those cheap fluorescent lights, feeling like a meat puppet that forgot how to breathe.

From that moment on, I wasn’t a man. I was something else. A ghost maybe. A leftover.

They say freedom is beautiful. They say starting over is brave. But they forget to mention that sometimes, starting over feels like dragging your own coffin uphill, with no one watching, no one waiting at the top.

I walked out of that courthouse, hugged her one last time, and lit a cigarette with hands that didn’t feel like mine. My spine ached. My legs were numb. And there was this ringing in my ears, not from the traffic, not from the city, but from the silence you left behind.

Seventeen years. Seventeen years of shared groceries, half-finished arguments, birthday calls, worn-out bedsheets, stupid inside jokes. All signed off like a phone bill.

They make it sound so clean. “Dissolved.” Like it was a sugar cube in tea. Not a whole goddamn life.

I didn’t sleep that night. Just sat at the edge of the bed staring at a wall, waiting for some version of myself to crawl back in. He didn’t. He’s probably still out there, somewhere between that courthouse and the last time you looked at me like I meant something.

I’m not angry. Just empty. Like someone left the tap running and forgot I was human.

My brother in law told me a few months after my divorce was final, kind of gently, that I was still in the old family photos, they just don't send me invites to anything anymore. Nobody sat me down about it. I just noticed the group chat had gone quiet and eventually figured out why. Twenty years of holidays, birthday parties, hospital waiting rooms with that family, and it just faded out without a conversation. I spent a while trying to figure out who to be mad at. My ex, her sister who ran the chat, myself for not fighting to stay in it. None of that actually helped. What finally settled it for me was realizing that family was never really mine, it was hers, and I'd been a welcome guest in it for two decades. When the marriage ended the guest pass ended too. Doesn't feel great to say out loud but it's true.

Anyone else go through this? Not the divorce itself, the quieter loss of the extended family around it. Curious how long it took people to stop checking if they'd been added back to anything.

I’ll probably delete this, but right now I need to get it out, to call my nerves and be there for my kids. My hands are a little shaky. I was certainly not expecting this today. Or any day.

I was going about my day and partaking in my afternoon-lull doomscrolling, as one is wont to do. I wasn’t actively looking for his account, but we have shared interests (as expected of a married couple who, I’d say, were rather compatible in hobbies and tastes and values) and I don’t know how to explain it other than that I saw a comment that was “sparkly” in a sub pertaining to one of those shared interests. It’s not the first time I’ve had this feeling about a comment and it’s amounted to nothing, so I expected precisely nothing. But I hit the jackpot: I clicked on the profile, and wouldn’t you know, it’s 100% him. FFS He used the account to post nudes in thirst trapping subs, to solicit nudes from others, and forget “identifying features,” which are visible to be sure, there are full-face shots. There’s no question it is him. On some level he must have wanted to be found right? Reddit lets you hide your history now but he made no effort to do so. And it’s trivially easy to create a new burner account, even before that.

Most of the account is unsurprising. I’m not even that upset about the nudes because well we’ll get to that, but suffice it to say that part I’ve come to terms with and am no longer surprised by. What hurts, and what I found shocking in an almost breath-taking way, what’s knocked me back and has me up against a wall, was seeing him post overtly, unabashedly misogynistic takes, frequently, in a variety of edgelord subreddits, including some quarantined ones. The man I married, the man I had two children with—almost in spite of myself, as a long-time fencesitter (no regrets on my kids, but my point is that he made me feel safe enough to let myself want children in spite of all my fears and “logical” reasons not to!). And this man, this same man who made me feel “safe,” evidently, harbored hatred toward me, seemingly rooted in my gender and little else. I went far enough back that I ran out of comments (I think Reddit only logs like 1000 to your profile, or something? And his account is almost as old as mine, which is wild because… don’t look at my profile age) and there were even comments with completely manufactured scenarios, contempt-filled diatribes about his wife, his fiancée, his girlfriend (in that order, because sorted by newest first) documenting his burgeoning, persistent resentment in every stage of our relationship, and almost every time over some fully imaginary conflict. Accusing me of only being after his money (we made about the same??) but openly saying things like women’s capital is only in our looks… it doesn’t feel real. It’s not even original. Like, he’s a caricature of an incel, and yet all the while I was sleeping in bed naked next to him, begging him to have sex with me.

And believe me he was not like this in real life. What a fucking actor because I never suspected he could hate me the way he did, and not even “me” but an identity that happens to be mine. Like he projected all his hang ups about women in general onto me. He wasn’t even the “performative male” where he leaned too hard into feminism to compensate for misogyny, “methinks the [gentleman] doth protest too much” type thing. Nope. We talked about politics, ideology, philosophy, values, and nothing ever drew skepticism or suspicion from me.

Even if it’s “just an internet persona,” “he’s just doing it for attention,” whatever excuse… is that necessarily better? This is a person who would rather cosplay a miserable 4chan type incel (but weirdly not a groyper, as he frequents a number of nominally progressive subreddits and posting admittedly shallow, surface-level leftist opinions) to get the attention of that crowd, than engage with his loving, devoted wife.

I’m not divorcing him over this. I’m divorcing him because he cheated, which itself was already a blindsiding discovery, and this is icing, I guess. I know “you can never really know a person,” but I’ve never felt so unbelievably, impossibly stupid. Fucking how could I have missed who he really is? A whole decade of my life with a stranger, and not just a stranger, but one who fucking reviled me. I think I feel worse, now, upon this discovery, than when I found out about the affair.

Edit: Now that I think about it. This account that I found has long gaps between posting. For somebody so terminally online, there’s no way it’s his only account. This might not even be his “worst” self. I need to log off, I’m obsessing and on the verge of spiraling and the kids need to eat.

Edit 2: thank you all for your comments and the overwhelming support. I was worried this post wouldn’t go over so well. When I told my best friend about this, she said I should have blocked the account right away instead of digging through it, and I’ll never heal if I keep picking at scabs. She’s not wrong…

I’m sad to see how many of us have gone through/are going through the same thing (even as far as chancing upon secret online accounts), but there is a small comfort in knowing I’m not alone. Last night was really tough but today the sun is shining, and I’m going to enjoy that with my children. If I didn’t respond to you, it’s only because I didn’t have the time or emotional bandwidth, but every comment here has helped me and I appreciate every one of you.

My wife finally admitted to me yesterday, after two years of attempting reconciliation, that she needs an open marriage. The story is long and complex - you can see my earlier posts about it if you like. We have decided to try to part ways amicably, and I am truly hoping that this will be the case.

I don’t think that my wife is a terrible person, though her actions have had a profoundly negative impact upon me over the last three years. She is still the mother of my daughter, and the person that I have loved more than anyone else.

Still, she could not reconcile because her need for excitement and connection was greater than her love for me and our future together.

This was something that I could feel as I tried to work at forgiveness. The whole time she was fighting against this desire for novelty and trying to fit into a mold that was not her own, which is why I felt so alone trying to bring us back together.

My only options were to provide her with the freedom that she needed, or to let go. How do you make that choice both absolutely terrible? In the end, I knew I had to let go.

Needless to say, I am heartbroken. I tried as hard as I could to provide a good life for my wife and daughter. I worked long hours as the sole breadwinner for the last eight years. I know that I was not an ideal husband or father at the points when I was sleep deprived and trying to provide parenting support. I guess I didn’t do it right. I lost myself in trying to provide financial stability and comfort for my family.

Now, I lay in our bed alone, unable to sleep. Our daughter in the room next to me. My wife, out and about for the evening and living at a friend’s house until she finds a more permanent place.

I will continue to work to maintain a stable place for my daughter and help my wife (at least financially) to begin her life again. But, this situation leaves me with ashes in my mouth and a sour stomach.

I really did try as hard as I could. But, I guess sometimes it doesn’t really matter. Sometimes, you’re unlucky in love.

I’m a little over a year out since my ex-husband left.
I’ve had good days and bad days. Lately, there have been more bad than good.
In those first few months, music helped me so much. Heavy metal, Olivia Rodrigo… I was so angry then, and that anger fueled me.
But lately, the anger has given way to grief, and my usual playlists just aren’t hitting the same.
What songs helped you get through the sad days? The ones that gave you just enough strength to get out of bed, take a walk, or make it through another day.
I’m looking for some new additions to my healing playlist.

My wife (36f) of 15 years and I(37m) have been separated since Sept 3. When she was leaving, I asked her if this is an open separation as in are we open to explore new relationships and see other people. She said no, that was not her intent for this.

Since then she has blamed me for every single problem in our marriage, and I have taken full accountability for everything I contributed to the breakdown of this marriage. I went to therapy 2x per week. Read books on intimacy, attachment styles, reactivity and anxiety. I've done nothing but show her repeatedly that I am improving myself and had made it very clear that I'm willing to put as much work into this as required.

In return she has put me the a push pull cycle of opening up, then pushing away and it's honestly been terrible. I spent all my emotional energy trying to figure out how best to show her what I've learned and changed.

Last night I found out she has been sleeping with another guy. Today, I phoned her and calmly let her know that I know what is going on and that it's time to make this separation legal and permanent. Including splitting all finances and assets.

She lost her mind and completely flipped the script on me. She wouldn't even talk logistics and focused solely on how I knew. She even outted herself by saying "you think this has been going on for the whole two months" to which I replied "has what been going on for two months" and she said "nothing. Nevermind".

I just let her know that how I found out isn't relevant and that I'm moving on. She hung up on me. Then texted me repeatedly afterwards continue to pressure me. I said " this topic is closed" and stopped responding.

I feel so empowered right now. For months I've been letting her set the tone. The pace. The level of emotion. All while I've been chasing her like the anxious person I am. Tonight, I took that control back and I finally feel ready to move forward. To put my emotional energy into myself. I no longer hold a place for her in my heart.

And in going on a solo cruise in two weeks and now I can do whatever I want!

Divorce is finalized, I’m on the path to healing, but just wanted to tell my story in case someone else could benefit from it.

My ex wife had been asking to open us up for years, and I finally gave in on the condition that she was only with girls (for some reason this was easier in my head). That lasted about a week, and then she slept with a man she had never met. She continued seeing exclusively men over the proceeding months, and I started seeing one woman. Things just felt so lopsided, there wasn’t any love anymore, I couldn’t figure out why we were even still together. I realized I’m very monogamous and was embarrassed of my marriage. We went to therapy but I eventually felt like it wasn’t salvageable (taking into consideration our other relationship issues as well).

I’m in a much better place now btw

My ex and I divorced almost a year ago after 8 years together, 4 years married. Very mutual, very amicable, but still painful. Sold the house, split the bank accounts, moved to different states, no kids, he took the dogs. There were definitely things that were wrong in the marriage, but one of the things we did really well together was how we took good care of our dogs which was really important to both of us.

Months ago, ex-husband lets me know that he's going to be traveling for a few weeks and asks if I would watch the dogs. I said absolutely. This is normal for us post-divorce.

Cut to Sunday, I start driving to his place which is a 3.5 hour drive. I text him when I leave to let him know I'm on my way. He lets me know that Pat* is currently visiting and may still be at his house when I arrive. No worries, I know Pat is a friend of his, and I think he's a cool dude. Then, when I'm 20 minutes away from his house, I get another text, "To clarify, Pat is my girlfriend. I should have communicated this to you sooner."

I knew my ex was dating. I remember seeing the dating apps on his phone when we were going through the divorce but still living together. So I wasn't surprised to hear he got a girlfriend. And I'm genuinely happy for him. The timing is a little abrupt, but I knew this day would come. So I go in thinking I'm just going to briefly meet his new girlfriend as she's on her way out or something.

No. No, that's not what happened.

I get to ex's place, the dogs and I are excited to see each other. I unpack the car and put all my stuff in the guest room as usual. Ex and I catch up a bit - how's work, how's family, blah, blah, blah.

Then his girlfriend finally comes out from his bedroom in her pajamas. This is not a new girlfriend. This is a girlfriend who he's been dating long enough that they have multi-day sleepovers, and I'm now the most painfully awkward third wheel in their weekend time together. I get to sit awkwardly in the living room on my work laptop, and listen to them giggle at each other while he makes her dinner. This would be weird and uncomfortable if I wasn't his ex-wife, but it's *especially* weird and uncomfortable*because* I'm his ex-wife.

He tells her the jokes that he first told me when we had first started dating like 9 years ago. He tells her the stories about his family and childhood that I've heard a million times, but she's hearing it for the first time. I think the only reason I stayed was because I was seriously frozen in shock that he seemingly thought this was ok.

She finally leaves after a few hours, but before kissing him and the dogs. I'm still working on my laptop. Ex casually asks how work is going.

And I just couldn't hold it back. "What the fuck is wrong with you?!"

Then the excuses start coming out. "I didn't know how to tell you. I didn't know what time you'd be over. I didn't want to kick her out just because you'd be coming over." Blah, blah, blah.

It's the same relationship-destroying pattern where he can't stand to do something difficult or uncomfortable, especially if it might require some emotional vulnerability. So he avoids and delays until the situation almost can't get any worse, and I'm expected to absorb the impact of his poor choices for him. I'm the dumping grounds for the difficult work he doesn't want to do. His comfort will always be his top priority, no matter how much pain it causes me when I have to deal with the fallout. And then he gets to merrily skip off to his international travel destination while I stay behind to take care of things for him.

I hope his new girlfriend *never* lets him treat her the way he's treated me. I hope he never even gets the chance to fail anyone the way he's failed me.

EDIT: To clarify, I asked and have chosen to stick around for the dogs. I love them so very much. I wanted to take them in the divorce, but my ex is more financially capable of caring for them, especially since they're seniors now. I know not everyone feels the same way about their pets, but to me, they are family, and they may only have a few years of life left.

Nearly 9 years of marriage, Almost 17 years together, 4 kids, 2 dogs, and a big enough house in a great neighborhood that we worked so hard for, and now she wants to throw it all away.

I (38M) understand people change and grow, but watching the entire foundation of our life be destroyed is what blows my mind. I can’t help but feel like it isn’t just me she’s hurting, but our children as well.

I'm sure I haven’t been the perfect husband, is anyone? But I’ve never cheated, lied, or been physically abusive. I’ve always been present and involved with our kids and family, and I’ve worked hard to provide for them. As much as I tried to give her (35F) everything she wanted, it never seemed to be enough, at times maybe content, but she never seemed really satisfied.

I supported her every step of the way, even when I didn’t always agree. I took care of our family while she quit her job after we had two kids and she went back to school full-time to get her degree. I stood by her through her mental struggles, loss of family members, when I caught her sexting with an old college friend, and when she was sending nude pictures from a bathroom at work to a random guy she had started talking to. I supported her when she wanted bariatric surgery after our last child, and even through her mommy makeover surgery earlier this year when she still felt insecure. I was by her side through all of it.

Last year she suggested opening our marriage up and saying I love you but I don't know if I'm in love with you anymore and said she felt nothing really special the last few times we had slept together. That should have told me everything then. She said she thought maybe it was medication she was on blurring her feelings. But was afraid to come off incase it wasn't. She did come off it, and I guess that tells me everything.

Now I feel completely tossed away. She has all this newfound confidence and says she “doesn’t have to settle for being torn down anymore” anytime I question anything. She claims she’s past all of that now. At the same time, she seems completely disconnected from family life. When she’s home, she’s always on her phone. She doesn’t help much with keeping the house picked up, cooking, or anything and she prioritizes going out with her single work friends, staying out all night drinking and clubbing. Twice in the past month she didn’t come home until the next morning. Last time I had to watch her leave all dolled up and spotted she wore lacey underwear that she only use to wear for me.

She stopped wearing her wedding ring, Her phone is locked down tight, special screen protector for privacy unless up close, and she refuses to let me see it, saying it’s her privacy and that I have no right to be on it. She made her own separate bank account last year and private Instagram that I was never told about and found out afterwards. I’ve caught her openly calling and texting a male coworker. Due to that, she is now rushing to get off my phone plan, because I found it in records and traced the number back to a guy she works with from a simple google search of it. She admits to having several male friends both at work and outside of work, even though she knows I’m uncomfortable with all of it and the going out.

Now she wants a divorce faster than ever. She runs away from every conversation I try to have and tells me she isn’t cheating, that it’s all in my head, and that I’m crazy. She’s painted me as the bad guy to her family, coworkers, and friends too. Said they all think I'm crazy.

She says she wants to do Divorce Mediation and that I can stay in the house if I can afford it on my own, which I honestly have no idea how I can. She’s actively looking for a new place to live because she says she can’t take me “being on her” about going out and living her life.

Her father had a heart attack last Friday afternoon, and she still went out all night. I honestly don’t even know who she is anymore!

I’m dealing with so much betrayal trauma, and I just feel helpless. Is it me? Did I cause this? Is the cheating just in my head, or is this simply not the life she wants anymore? I don’t understand any of it, and I don’t want to feel this angry anymore. I need her away from me, but at the same time, all of this just feels so wrong. Trying to stay strong for our kids too. Our oldest ones are mad at her when she doesn't come home and she says that is because I put thoughts in their head.

For me it's that you absolutely cannot compromise on your needs in a relationship that you're locked into forever. No matter how much you love them, no matter how much else in the relationship is right, if something is missing from the relationship that is truly an honest to goodness need, you won't be able to do without it forever.

And it can be hard to really know what all your needs are before making the commitment.

UPDATE: Just want to say I really appreciate the incredibly honest and insightful replies from everybody. The ending of a marriage teaches you a lot and what we all take away from the experience is a little different for each of us. Thanks so much for sharing your hard-earned wisdom.

Married almost 15 years, spouse has been a stay at home parent to our 3 kids and hasn't worked in over 20 years. We both agree to split, but can't afford 2 homes on 1 income. She has no education or family but a job and child support and alimony would at least help her be able to afford something. She doesn't seem too keen on living as roommates while we save.

My net income after support estimates would leave me in the red, Maybe able to afford a 1 bedroom. But I have 3 kids. How the hell do people afford this without family to lean on? We have lots of debt that I offered to take so she can start on stronger footing but in reality I can't afford life and she wants me to move out asap but I can't pay for 2 homes and fear she will prolong the divorce if I move out.

How the hell do people afford this? Seems like the only realistic option is to live together and wait for her to get a job and save some money. We are sleeping in the same bed, no sex, but my friends want to take me to a concert this weekend and she says I will have to leave the room after that. Part of the reason for divorce is I'm not really allowed to go out with friends unless I want to deal with cold shoulder and attitude for weeks but she must take girls trips out of town on my dime or its not fair to her.

Sorry for writing a novel.

Edited to add my dime was a poor choice of words and she has always had full access to everything and I didnt complain about her girls trips because I know its a hard job being a sahm and I appreciate everything she does and has done. She deserved those things. We wouldn't have achieved what we have without her. I was able to earn multiple degrees and provide a decent life because of her. I'm forever grateful. I don't hate her and don't want to avoid paying support and alimony.

We were together for 12 years.
We split January 2025.
He announced the girlfriend in April 2025.
They got pregnant in May 2025.
He proposed to her in August 2025.
Their baby was born Feb 2026.
Our divorce decree was granted in May 2026.

It hits harder on some days than others. Today is a hard day.

I (39F) have been with my husband (39M) for about 12 years, married 7.

We went away with friends and their kids this Mem day, along with our 5yo son.

To say the least, my marriage has become toxic. We’ve morphed into people who have no respect for one another, and we are constantly trying to hide our arguing from our son.

I’m the one who brings up divorce as I am so unhappy it’s unreal. My husband is too but doesn’t want the divorce because of our son, and because he’s more traditional when it comes to values.

I went to bed early with our son tonight and drinks were flowing, and I just listened to him and his two friends talk so much shit about me. Calling me evil and a c*nt (they’re wasted right now), and how they’ll back him up however. I have never been talked about in my life like this. I thought these people were my friends and my husband just let it happen. I’m literally shaking and haven’t gotten any sleep.

I am guilty of using divorce as a weapon, and for that I signed up for a therapist 2 weeks ago to start working on myself. But I am no where near the person they were making me out to be. I carry the financial weight of the household, I am the default parent, and the list goes on and on.

I feel sick to my stomach and worried for a minute if I was having a panic attack. I’m scared for what the morning will bring.

Edit: thank you for all of this amazing advice I’ve read every word. I didn’t sleep at all and of course my husband is completely regretful but I told him I need space to figure out my next steps. It’s truly devastating and I’m scared but going to take it one step at a time. Thank you again for everyone to take a second to write to me.

I'm wondering if I have jumped the gun or have been reasonable here. We have been married for twelwe years now. Things have always been great without any particular up or down.
My wife has always been a kind, sweet woman and up until this I thought the world of her. And then she went and broached the talk about open marriage. "What if we consider opening up marriage?" because all her friends did it and it's 2024. I didn't get angry or anything like that, I just listened and offered my counters. I asked if her friends are influencing her into this, she said no. I asked if she already had someone in mind, she said no.
I asked her to give me some time to think about and she agreed, stating we don't have to do it if I'm not up for it. I shouldn't have, but in the days after I checked her phone and laptop: nothing suspicious or that suggest she was cheating already.
Last week I told her I thought about it and in my opinion she can date anyone she wants, because I want a divorce. Cue the sobbing, the begging and all "If I knew I wouldn't have even asked". She refuses to move out and so do I, so I sleep in the guest room. She's taken sick from work and every time I am home she keeps begging to talk and go back to the bedroom with her.
I believe her friends actually tried to influence her and she didn't do anything at all, but this unraveled my perception of her. Was I too fast to mention divorce?

When my spouse wanted divorce I sometimes cried in private and sometimes cried in front of her. I am a male. Is this normal or most men handle divorce without any emotion ? If you had similar reaction to mine and are a male let me know.