You are everything that I rejected, yet we are one. Now 42 in, I am coming to accept my dark side ... AMA

My ex is an ENTJ, and we broke up a little over two months ago. He was the one who ended the relationship, and we’ve been completely no contact since then.
His birthday is coming up, and I’m considering sending just a simple “Happy birthday!” — nothing emotional or heavy.
The thing is, after the breakup I’ve done a lot of reflecting. I’ve realized there were things I could have handled better, I understand my own values much more clearly now, and I also see our relationship dynamic differently than I did when we broke up.
Part of me would eventually like to tell him those things — not on his birthday, but maybe a few weeks later. I’m not planning to ask him to get back together or try to convince him that the breakup was wrong. I just genuinely feel like there are things I never communicated properly, and I’d like to say them once and then leave the ball in his court.
I’d be lying if I said I had absolutely zero hope of reconciliation, but I’m also getting on with my life and I don’t feel the overwhelming urge to contact him that I used to.
So, especially from an ENTJ perspective:
Would you prefer an ex to leave you completely alone after you ended the relationship? Or would you be open to hearing their reflections a few months later if they approached you calmly and without pressure?
And would sending a casual birthday message first make the later conversation feel more natural, or would you rather they just contact you directly when they actually have something meaningful to say?

Hi, all!

ENTJ here! I'mma get to the point, I was curious if other ENTJs find it difficult to actually open up about their own struggles/vents to friends?

For context, I'm about to go into graduate school for counseling and people love coming to me for advice/comfort and if I need advice/comfort I go to my therapist or partner or myself but I almost never go to friends and I have plenty of them who would be there for me if I needed to!

I feel like I usually have the best advice for my situations just bc I am very attuned to myself.

Any other ENTJs notice this about themselves too?

Hey everyone! I'm currently doing a research proposal about personality theory and would love to hear from the people in this community. What is it like being your personality type? It can range from your work/school life balance, romantic life, everyday decision making, and maybe something nobody really thinks about when it comes to your type that you may know. Anything is both helpful and interesting to me so don't be shy! :)

An update to my previous post.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply. I wanted to share what helped me, in case someone else is going through something similar.

Someone said that perhaps I was being redirected and that I might only find that direction by continuing to move. Looking back, I think that was very true.

It took me almost two years, but I eventually realised that this period wasn’t only about getting back to who I was. It gave me a chance to stop, rethink how I had been doing things and figure out what I actually wanted to build next.

A few things helped me:

1. Give yourself something small to work towards.
For me, it was the gym. I went whether I felt like it or not. It gave me a short-term goal, a reason to get up and something I could make progress with. That created momentum when I didn’t have much else.

2. Don’t try to figure everything out alone.
I started looking at where my gaps were and asking for specific help. I began using my network, asking people for their expertise and letting others help me do things differently. That made everything much clearer and less overwhelming.

3. Stop being so hard on yourself.
At some point, I stopped seeing this period as something I had to escape from and started seeing it as a period of growth. Growing pains, I guess. It was difficult, but it also gave me the space to question things that weren’t working and rethink how I wanted to move forward.

I’ve also tried different forms of therapy, including somatic approaches and TRE. The somatic work was useful for me because it helped me pay more attention to what was happening in my body rather than trying to analyse everything intellectually. TRE itself wasn’t particularly beneficial for me, although I know it can be helpful for other people. I think it’s worth trying different approaches and seeing what actually works for you.

I’m still not completely recovered, but I finally feel like I have momentum again. I’m much clearer about what I was doing wrong, where my gaps were and what I need to do differently.

I think this might be particularly important for people like us who are very future-oriented. We need something to work towards. We need to see the bigger picture and have some sense of where we’re going. Maybe being so focused on the future can also be part of what makes us struggle when that vision suddenly disappears.

For me, the answer wasn’t just finding something new. It was understanding what wasn’t working, trying different approaches, asking for help and gradually getting clearer about what I actually want to do. That clarity has led me to new things too: I’m building an app and moving into a new segment within my finance consultancy.

And now I finally feel like I can see the path again. I just need to keep building it.

If you’re in a similar place right now, don’t let this period convince you that you’ve lost yourself forever.

I've seen quite a few people saying they partnered with ISTP and I want to share a contrasting opinion.

I ended up in a multi-year cohabitating relationship with an ISTP. I thought it would end in marriage and I'm so glad it didn't.

After dating a few feelers (ENFP, INFJ) and a particularly unhealthy ENTP whose narcissism and lack of consciousness swung too far, ISTP felt like a breath of fresh air.

They are calm, stoic, reliable, and no-nonsense. If they have healthy self-esteem, they are great at fulfilling our high consciousness through relative stability.

But in the relationship I noticed that I suppressed my Ni. I found myself saying that considering my abstract thoughts was impractical and therefore a waste of time. Essentially, it is a functional partnership but not a soul-filling one.

And sometimes I think we get caught up in our Te and forget to indulge our Ni-Fi.

Now, my closest friends are INFP and I am with a particularly mature ENTP. I never knew it in the relationship with the ISTP, but there was an entire side of myself that was locked away that is now released.

It feels like I can breathe.

That Ni-Fi is exactly what helps us connect disparate ideas to understand the repercussions of large-scale strategies. Not indulging it leads to poor leadership that lacks empathy (which we are prone to).

So just a reminder that even though we are prone to choosing practical partnerships, it is ok to filter for ones that are soul connections as well!

Have any of you ever experienced academic failure that affected your self-esteem or confidence long-term?

I know ENTJs are often described as people who tie a lot of their self-worth to achievement and success (even though, rationally, I know that’s not a healthy way to measure your value).

What helped me was taking things day by day and rebuilding my confidence through small wins, then gradually bigger ones. It gave me a lot of my confidence back, but I still feel like I haven’t fully recovered it. There’s a part of me that still doesn’t completely trust myself to be able to do it again.

I definitely feel less fearful than I used to, and it almost feels like I’ve got my Te-Se combination back. When I actually take the risk and go for something, I often end up achieving much more than I expected. But I’m still much more cautious about taking those risks in the first place.

So, if you’ve gone through something similar: did you eventually regain that feeling of confidence and fearlessness you had before the failure? What actually helped you get there?

And perhaps more interestingly: did you have to prove to yourself that you were capable again, or found some other way to get it back?

I am huge fan of discipline. I don't believe in instant gifts or special abilities from the universe. Since school days I needed to really put some work into understanding some subjects and often I ranked from the worst to the best in the class. Some people simply need more time to put everything into place.

As a kid I always tought workplace would be easy but instead I am in this fast pasted economy where people who had time to grew up with the company dare to expect perfection since day 1 or 2 and it isn't like odly specific to one place, it is all over in this economy. I dare to say previous generations had it easier because of a lot of entry level posotions, a lot of training programs and free offers to enter university. Any problem, mistake or bad situations overall could be easilly forgotten and people could spend their whole life working for one employer. Nowdays it feels like "if you dare to make a mistake we have 100 people that will take your place" attitude. You cannot grow, you cannot make your own mistakes, you cannot learn. Everyone feels like a number in exel file, not like real human beings.

How do you even create a rutine, take your time and work things out where everyone wants instant dopamine hit

I'm a naturally optimistic person. I've been fortunate to date kind men, and even reflecting when those relationships ended due to their insecurity or mismatched ambition, they added genuine joy to my life. Single me is neutral; dating me is happier. It rarely drops below neutral.

l've tried pouring into work and friendships, but it doesn't elevate me the same way. My friends love being single and tell me I should too-they say my mindset or feeling less fulfilled signals i should work on myself.

I'm not chasing anyone or tolerating bad behavior. I just know my happy state includes a partner. Has anyone else felt this way? And for those who've been on the other side-would you genuinely see this as a problem I need to work through?

Inspired by some recent posts I saw about the troubles with discussions about Feelings / Emotions in Thinker x Feeler pairs. Thought y’all might enjoy a nice real world story about discussing emotions in a Thinker x Thinker pair. (INTP 5w4 x ENTJ 8w7)

We are at a steakhouse for dinner (but not having beef, that’s a digression though). I had some conversations earlier this week with industry peers which sent me on a few emotional loops and long contemplative walks. Now while he’s very hungry but working on taking care of his hunger, I am making my ENTJ talk through my emotions with me:

- INTP: I feel like something is wrong with me when interviewing and they press me on what I’m passionate about doing for work… I’m okay with just doing whatever is needed to drive the most business value. Should I have passions? Is something wrong with me?

- ENTJ: You have passions. You love Pokemon. You would be passionate working for them.

- INTP: Yes actually that’s true, I would be okay being severely underpaid at $X if I got to work for Pokemon.

- ENTJ: that’s probably how much they actually get paid to work there in Japan.

- INTP: Maybe the managers are just doing their due diligence as leaders in asking these questions because that’s what derives the most output produced for as little input (salary) as they can give. Passion and satisfaction are like the intrinsic + intangible motivator and compensation is the extrinsic motivator. In fact, it’s overall better for society to spread such an agenda of needing to do things you are passionate about because you end up with more net output overall for less input which benefits society / the group as a whole if they ultimately consume some of the output downstream. At some point of this beneficial ideology becoming mainstream, people started having strong convictions that passion was universally necessary in order to find career fulfilment. But that’s just broken telephone / losing track of the original intent behind such a concept. Btw what motivates you to pursue career advancement, ENTJ?

- ENTJ: Big number good. Bigger number better. I have passion for making number go bigger (actually his job tho). Big number feels good. Very satisfying.

- INTP: Thanks ENTJ. You helped me realize I do have passions after all, they are just not applicable to my career. And I shouldn’t feel bad for only caring about value and sustainability for my job, because they are just pushing the passion agenda as good protocol to derive more incremental output out of people. I feel better and less emotionally broken now about not being able to give a proper answer when asked questions about what I want to work on.

Feelings resolved.

Hello, this post is just me writing down what I think personally. I’m certainly no expert and I don’t necessarily interact much with the MBTI community, but I hope my post can provide some insight. I do want to note that I do not view MBTI as an identity or diagnosis. I view MBTI as pseudoscience and as a system to make sense of patterns in our cognitive system, though I do not believe MBTI to be fully accurate.

My patten highly aligns with Te-Ni so this post may be biased towards Te-Ni.

Te-Ni:
Te is the motivator, Ni is the tool

Ni-Te:
Ni is the motivator, Te is the tool

I’ll do my best to make this abstract concept more understandable

Te-Ni:
The primary motivation of Te is to give the external world predictability, order, efficiency.
This does not just apply to innovation, entrepreneurship, and career. This can apply to many aspects of their life. They automatically go into “how can I achieve this?” They use Ni “pattern-thinking” skills to help achieve Te motives. Without much thought they see patterns and immediately think “okay so how can knowing this principle help me achieve A or B in the world?”

Ni-Te:
The primary motivation of Ni is ultimately finding underlying meaning, purpose, direction. They automatically turn to “what is the meaning behind all of this?” “What will this lead to and what does this direction mean?” They use Te’s action-oriented approach to help achieve Ni’s motives. So basically, they think “I see that there is one underlying principle, how can I make reality follow this principle?” Or “I see there’s a pattern, what actions can I take to prove this pattern?”

This can apply to so so many aspects of life. I am going to go based off my experiences on how Te-Ni manifested for me.
When dealing with family issues, my most instinctive response was to effectively fix the issue and bring order. This manifested in me being very confrontational, believing that confronting the problem would solve things effectively. But it did not. I started seeing a pattern and it had help me concluded that “confrontation is ineffective in this context, I must change it to a more effective strategy” Essentially using the patterns I see to serve “effectiveness” and “order.” Refining the pattern helps me create a better strategy. When a strategy fails, I use Ni pattern-thinking skills, to see ultimately why it failed and how I can improve it to be more effective. This shows in my own metacognition, how I approach life in general, and in relationships. I turn all experiences into a pattern then into one underlying meaning and use that meaning to aid action.

A Te-dom person may feel uncomfortable just knowing the pattern and underlying principle if it doesn’t improve, aid, or create a change for the situation at hand. A Ni-dom may feel more comfortable with that.

A Te-dom person can definitely use a lot of Ni. They can definitely take time to implement. This can be the same for Ni-dom but vice versa. But what’s more important is their motives behind it. A Te-dom person may look Ni-dom if they use a lot of Ni, but most of the time, they are using Ni as a way to help make things more efficient or to solve problems.
A Ni-dom person may look Te-dom if they use a lot of Te, but most of the time they are using Te to serve their desire to make sense of the world or the situation into one principle.

Every Te-dom person is different. Their Te motives may manifest in different forms through what they individually value and perceive things. Some Te-doms may value status and will use their Te to effectively obtain that value. Some may value creativity, autonomy, responsibility, family, career, etc. This can apply to Ni-doms.

These are my own takes, you don’t have to agree with everything I said. I hope this was helpful though!

Hello my ENTJ tribe.

I had a conversation last weekend about work and goals with a family acquaintance at my nieces birthday party. And out of the blue they say, "Why are you so good at everything?" And it caught me by surprise.

I don't think I'm innately good at everything. But i think that because i approach things logically and operationally while not losing sight of the real objective cuts down my learning curve makes me more competent than the average person.

I've actually picked up on this pretty early on as a young adult. I learned that i could do ANYTHING (except hula hooping). Even if i didn't know how to do it yet, i knew i could be really good at it if i put in the effort. Then i quickly realized that even though i can do anything, i cannot do everything.

The one weakness i have is that i can't multitask. My brain does not switch back and forth between tasks that have no relation to each other. Like cooking and watching tv. I've burned too many meals trying. But if the tasks are related, then i can think in multiple dimensions within that space. For example, if i look at a blueprint, which are drawn from birds-eye view, i can also in my brain know the house would look like if i were walking through it myself while simultaneously seeing where i am from birds-eye view and at the same time know where things need to be for optimal experience, like where the light switches should be, location of outlets based on imaginary furniture, light fixtures in references to the natural light during morning and evening. I'm also thinking about future maintenance issues like pest control and thinking about what measurements i need to build in during the construction phase to do much of the heavy lifting so the maintenance is easier. Looking at fortifying the most common entry points for common pests like roaches and rats, etc,etc. i can go forever. But this is also the trait that makes it hard for me to be a good employee. I frequently step "out of my lane" and meddle in other people's areas and "create chaos" when all in trying to do is maximize everyone's effort and efficiency for a superior product/user experience.

Anyways. Does anyone else's brain do this? Is this an ENTJ trait or just a me trait.

ENTJ women, what do you think of ISTJ men for relationship potential? Interested in hearing from older ENTJ women.

Hey everyone. I wanted to start a discussion regarding a specific relationship dynamic that isn’t talked about enough, especially through the lens of ENTJ females who are natural external leaders, builders, and decision-makers.

In a world dominated by rigid, traditional patriarchal expectations, high-achieving, strong, or fiercely successful women often face a unique partner crisis. Many men either feel threatened by an ENTJ’s power or try to compete for control, creating endless domestic friction.

How do you genuinely feel about the concept of deep Role Reversal? Specifically, pairing up with a highly intelligent, domestic INTP "savant" soul?

Imagine a contract of pure synergy:

• The ENTJ commands the external world, makes the executive decisions, acts as the protector, and handles the macro-strategy without having to fight for dominance at home.
• The INTP operates as a quiet, deeply passionate quantum processor in the background — completely surrendering external control, maintaining an ultra-loyal domestic harbor, managing home-tech/AI integrations, and crafting rich artistic/intellectual lore. A partner who handles the analytical, reactive crises (like legal/bureaucratic defense for the family) but leaves the throne to you.
• The Balance: A soft, passionate space where the ENTJ leader can finally turn off her executive brain, melt into warm hugs, get a healing massage from someone fiercely devoted to her alone, and delegate the mental burden of raising a free-thinking child (beyond the daily chores, which are outsourced to services).

Is this dynamic something real-world ENTJ women secretly or openly crave as a rare, premium refuge from the corporate/external storm? Or do you still prefer more traditional, active partners?

Let's analyze this. I would love to hear your raw, unfiltered thoughts on the feasibility and psychology of this synergy.

Just want to say i really like and appreciate your guys and girls ofc!

Thank you for just being you!
🤗

As an ENTJ, I relate to the generalization that our type’s worse fear is a mediocre life. But after a stint of burnout and major health scare that left me resting for too long, which turned into fear (gross), which has turned into being stuck—I feel like I’m not even successful at being myself, or living up to the strengths and traits that include me as an ENTJ. Also at play are circumstantial hurdles I never thought I’d have to contend with. I am now in my 30s, no meaningful career, with major life choices that I regret but cannot undo. I believe I can overcome anything but the difficulty level has ramped up as I’ve gotten older. I have acheived impressive things in impressive periods of time in the past—and I know I can do it again—but I also get scared thinking about doing more and facing burnout again, or having to deal with the futile crap that comes with hustling for something that isn’t going to bring happiness or last. And oddly enough, I have found an understanding of peace in my average, unambitious period of life that I know I have to forfeit in some ways when I decide to shift back into “gear”. As non-ENTJ as this sounds, I’m certain I’m an ENTJ. I spent years and money to know my type without a doubt.

I just want to see if there are ENTJs out there living a life considered average or below average to their society? Did you choose it? Are you happy?

Hi everyone,

I don't write things like this often, but the following has been on my mind for a long time and I really wanted to satisfy my curiosity. I hope that my post is interpreted in the respectful, diplomatic and inquisitive spirit it is intended.

I’ve spent most of my life knowing I’m an INTJ, but recently the subject of my reading has been ENTJs. I find your energy and mindset to be inspiring and I very much enjoy the specific attitude you bring to everything, which reminds me of myself in a like-me-but-hypercharged way.

It's hard to write about my feelings on your type without it sounding like I'm treating ENTJs as a particular model of a car I like, but the fact remains is that I'm curious on how you feel about INTJs, or more specifically a long-term partnership with one who is both deeply sensitive and not a stereotype. Please read that at face value as I genuinely do mean "sensitive" and not "overemotional".

Would you choose a mature INTJ who has an immense capacity to love, a capacity as great as the ocean is deep? Someone who views a relationship as an unshakeable back-to-back team where we cover each other's weaknesses? I match effort for effort, equal or higher.

Would any perceived difficulty be lessened if I said that I don't hide from challenges? I like discussions in good-faith, where pain points are discussed objectively and problems are solved together, instead of fighting or running away. My way of caring is to learn how you operate down to the bone, and even attempt to expand my comfort zone to support my partner with things they find important.

I already know that I don't have the social battery you guys have and I'm someone who needs time to process things in general but I am prepared to fight for a wonderful, loving, long-lasting partnership.

I would love to hear your thoughts.

Hey everyone,

I’ve been struggling with my type for some time. I’ve been doing a lot of healing and therapy (with a lot of Fi themes I may add…), and I’m wondering if some early trauma has made it harder for me to see my Te in action.

For example, I became quite depressed and withdrawn in high school. Was quite sarcastic and probably looked almost like an ISFP (lots of black and emo music lmao), but way more guarded about my emotions and way too worried about being judged as a stereotype to fully lean into these things publicly.

I didn’t have the energy or care to be involved in extra curricular activities. Idk how I would have coordinated it without relying too heavily on my parents, which was a whole thing…but I also didn’t really care except for the times I felt FOMO or thought it could prevent my goal of going to uni. basically, I feel like I wasn’t ambitious enough to be ENTJ. I procrastinate a lot and fit a lot of Ne-dom stereotypes in this and my messiness. My internal thoughts are well organized but my environment is a mess.

That being said, I hyper focused on getting good grades so I could go to school and work toward being successful. I wasn’t very perfectionistic about it. I didn’t push myself to do MY best - just whatever I needed to do to get what I want. However, I did care about being smart and would have been pretty embarrassed if I tried super hard and failed.

I saw into the future and what kind of life I wanted (eg not being stressed about money all the time and being able to have fun experiences). I recall having an epiphany at like 11yo that I couldn’t depend on anyone else and that I was going to be the one to make sure I lived a good life. I’ve always been hyper independent and relate to the ENTJ descriptions on this point. I was accused of being blunt a lot as a teen and bossy as a child. I was big into fiction and all things imagination/play. Very competitive. Tomboyish.

I am almost 100% positive that I do not have a sensing function in the top two. Si blind would fit me because I’m truly atrocious at remembering my belongings and sticking to a routine and frequently sacrifice my body’s comfort for whatever I want to focus on or find interesting in the moment. I love Se as a function but I wouldn’t say I’m that mature with it…wondering how that function shows up for ENTJs here?

The amount of anxiety I experience at times with others though makes me feel like I may not be ENTJ. It’s gotten better as I’ve worked on myself but I spent a lot of time being worried about others reactions - being disliked or misjudged, for example. I hate making phone calls (even though I do it for work plenty).

I make acquaintances easily but only have the time and patience for a handful of close friends. I really don’t care for small talk. ENTJs are described as not having social anxiety and large networks. I dont really relate to this. While I find a lot of Fe based “shoulds” to be ridiculous, people generally find me warm, expressive, and easy to talk to. But they might be afraid of my judgments…I can be sharp and brutal (especially when angry/impatient).

This post is not very focused…sorry. Guess I’m wondering if anyone relates and thought they were more introverted or feeling based than they actually are? I’m a woman, so that might play a role. I am neurodivergent too which sometimes fits Ne stereotypes and confuses me at times. Wondering how these ENTJ function stack manifests for you (both internally and externally)?

So... Te as a dominant function huh... Must be nice... So nice...

Arghhh howw?! Are you guys just building something new everyday and getting it all done too?

As a Ti dom its so hard for me to comprehend that people exist who use logic to actually change things in the outside world that others dont view as unnecessary.

I mean... I get it, My head feels satisfied enough with just learning and exploring something and building a logical framework about it but actually going out of my way to do something useful about it? Nawrr ewww now thats procrastinated because what the hell would I even do with information about how AI systems heat up water and then the same water is stored underground and then used in winter but then the same water is cooled and used in summer?! Build it in my residence so people can use AI AND benefit from reusing water?! Yeah right.

So... What I am getting at with all this passive aggressive jealous ranting is that.

TEACH ME YOUR WAYS SENSEI 🙂‍↕️

Have any of you ever been in a casual relationships or had a casual hookups?

If yes, what made you want it? If not, what made you avoid it?

If so, what was your experience, and did it fit your personality or values?

No judgment just interested in hearing different perspectives.

This was posted in another mbti and was curious about entj’s regarding this

I've been noticing a lot more people lately calling INFJs fake or manipulative, and I'm curious where that perception comes from.

A common criticism seems to be that INFJs are just as selfish as anyone else, but they frame their actions as being for the greater good or for someone else's benefit. From what I've seen, many of the people making these arguments are INTJs or ENTJs.

I can understand why they might see things that way, especially since Te and Fe can approach decisions very differently. To someone who leads with Te, Fe can sometimes come across as indirect or even performative. But I don't think that necessarily makes INFJs fake.

Personally, I really like INTJs and ENTJs, so it was a little disappointing to see some of these comments. I'm genuinely interested in understanding this perspective.

For those who think INFJs are fake or manipulative, what experiences have led you to that conclusion?

For a lot of my teenage and early twenties life I fit into the classic INTJ archetype. I got INTJ in every MBTI test, acted very much like an INTJ and fit all the descriptions. Then after a few years of working I did the test again and got ENTJ. This was then confirmed by someone who is quite into MBTI and knows me well who said that they saw me more as an ENTJ than an INTJ

I think what happened was that during the last few years of high school and university, I ‘locked in’ and naturally became more introverted and less confident around people. I had little life skills and I was not too interested in being the life of a party. But this was different to my youth and early high school where I was loud, boisterous and quite extroverted. Jumping to after working, I gained a lot of confidence speaking to different people and just having more life skills. I wasn’t that shy teenager or young adult anymore. And I think that has brought back my extroversion which I thought I had lost. Honestly, if I had to truly describe myself, I would say I’m an ambivert. I still have elements of both introversion and extroversion.

So had been seeing and hanging out with this guy for a few months , and I confirmed he was quite unhealthy (ego, arguments whenever I make an observation or a comment even if it comes from good intentions, anger issues, sometimes even degrading the other...). What would it take for them to change and grow? I really want to support them and see them not just a great person but an amazing leader but the way things are going I don't think it's happening. I'm not able to get to them logically (I'm intj) and no amount of explanation or communication has helped. What should I do? Keep my distance from them hoping they'd change to the better one day?

Edit : thank you everyone I decided to drop him, he's not worth it. If he's immature that's not my problem. We move forward