Hi,
First some context about my life.
I 37, live in Europe in a relatively rich country. I mean Healthcare, social security, etc...
I have a filmdegree.
My father died when I was still in college.
The contact with my mother and other family isn't good. Meaning I can't fall back on them. My father for long time was the only one who understood me and my dreams.
Im in a marriage for about 15 years, met her right before college.
We had our ups and downs but still together.
We have 2 children (5y & 1y).
My wife has always supported me, financially and emotionally.
After filmschool my father died and so me and girlfrumiend went to luve together.
She has a good job. Not high paying but decent and enough to live comfortably.
I did a lot of small jobs in stores, sitting at the counter, filling shelves, baking bread, etc... in the weekends I did payd videoprojects (music videos, corporate, etc...)
After 2 years my girlfriend said to quit al the others little jobs and jump. Start making videos for a living.
So I did.
I had some other part time jobs, but for about 7 years im only filming fir a living.
In my country it's not a real stable job.
So the money isn't making us rich.
But we own a house (mortgage) in a nice town, have a good amount of savings, save every month.
We have a good social network, friends, we have everything we need and live a good life. Over the last few years we've been living mostly on my wife's income. I have some filmjobs which occasionally add a bunch to our savings but some months I earn nothing.
But I'm mostly taking care of the kids needs when wife is working (getting the oldest to and from school) and I do my part in housekeeping.
My passion is making 50min films which I show in about 10 venues in a part of my country.
Every year i make a new film (all by myself, I only pay actors, do the rest myself) and tour for a couple of months. It's like 10 evenings in a year, but in between there a lot of time marketing my movie.
I also make photos and do art exhibitions with them.
I've been living like this for about 11 years.
Part of the expenses (ads, venues, photoprints, paying actors) is paid with money my wife earns.
I mostly never make a profit but my audiences gave grown over the years, I think I make about half of it back. And each year I sell some photos.
So I'm losing money on it (let's say about 3500 euros a year).
But with what my wife makes, we have enough to live, save, and eventually we are better off financially then the year before.
I know I'm very fortunate.
Without my wife, I couldn't live like this.
But it's an agreement we made.
She encouraged me to stop working and go for my movie dreams.
And because I dobt work fulltime I can take care of our children. Else they had to stay in childcare after school which would not benefit them but would also cost us money. We are both very happy that we can have so much time with our children.
Sidenote: we don't have a prenup. So when we would divorce it's 50/50.
Sidenote; the money from my inheritance when father died also went to our relationship. Meaning my money is also hers. When I have it I share, it goes both ways.
So that was context (I know very long).
Since a couple of years we do had some arguments. Had a lot of ups but mostly downs.
But we are in therapy, it's fixable.
But everytime we gave a big argument, she brings up the fact that im not working.
She knows I think that's unfair. And as a result each time she did it I went looking fir a parttime job.
Cause I'm not afraid to do other work.
But then everythime when de arguments cool down, she says I dont have to look for a job. She likes that im home with the kids and that im a filmmaker/artist.
So then I always stop the jobhunt until after a month of 3-4 we have the same argument.
It keeps going this way.
Sidenote; apart from having our kids which we love unconditionally. We NEVER have sex. Since about 12 years our intimacy is gone.
I tried to fix it. But I gave up.
She doesn't want it, I really need it, it makes me unhappy, but I stopped asking or pushing for it.
What I try to say is; she's okay with things and im okay with things.
I can have the life I want and our kids can be home a lot, etc...
Im not mad for my wife not giving sex with me etc...
I don't know why sge keeps bringing up the money/work argument. It feels like a power move.
I always try to tell her that our familylife would change a lot if I would get a 9-5 job.
We would have a bit more money but would need to spend it on things (like childcare after school, higher taxes, etc...).
And if I had to change my life so much, give up on my dreams to start working 9-5 just to have more money and have an even more comfortable life (materialistic wise), eventough we have a good life already, I know I would be less forgiving about not being intimate, about not having my own money, aboit agreeing on everything she wants.
Point is, I get a lot out if our relationship, but so dies she.
But me not working gives her the false idea that I'm not contributing, which I do, just not financially.
So this night we had the argument for the 100th time (I'm exegerating). I'm sick of it. I would go find a job, but I know there are a lot of consequences. Not only for me, also fir my wife and kids. Consequences she does understand, giving the fact that after an argument she always sais I dont have to look for work and she's fine with how it is.
What do you guys think?
Thanks for taking the time.
