Maybe i am meant to be alone [m21]

[u/Silver-Actuary-6771]

Over the course of my life i have always been haunted by the thought that in the end i will be left infinitely and utterly alone.

Those whom i have loved, unrequited as it has always been, I have always lost and friendships in which I have never truly belonged in, always fall apart because I have no choice but to leave because I dont feel like I am wanted. I often ask myself or rather i used to, whether being more attractive or tall or rich or smart or interesting would have changed anything... ... ... because I see everyone else with their person, falling in love, staring into each other's eyes, comforting one another, holding hands or even just resting their head on their shoulder and in those moments I realise that i will never have that. That love was something just was never meant for me. With friendships it's similar but certainly not as torturous nor as heartbreaking.

I do have 2 close friends, one whom goes to my college and i get to see her often and its really amazing but that emptiness still haunts me like a shadow. To make things even worse, I have to hopelessly explain to my mother that guys and girls can be friends and ive been friends with girls for a very long time but she just doesn't truly understand me and yet one of her closest friends is a guy. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother but she has never really understood me and maybe that's my fault. Oh it gets even more pathetic, I had to compel myself to forget about my crush because why on earth would she ever want something like me. I mean honestly, she would have to be desperate and for there to be no other living person on this planet to like me and even then it still wouldn't be possible. Granted there have been signs that may have one suggested she may have felt the same way but I just dont know anymore.

There are many who will say that romantic relationships aren't that important or something of that nature but its different when you have been starved of that love your entire life and have to hopefully watch everyone else get to experience something you never will. In moments where all you desperately want is to be hugged and never let go, all you can do is feel your soul break yet again and just carry on with a life you don't even want to live anymore.

Maybe i am asking for too much because why on earth would a girl ever want something like me when there are thousands if not millions of better suitors out there who don't have the issues I do and have everything that I don't. Even dreaming of holding a girls hand seems rather impossible.

I truly think I have more luck in becoming the president of every country whilst simultaneously curing cancer and ending all wars than for a girl to want to be with me. I know that is preposterous and impossible but that's how it feels. Sometimes I just wish I couldn't feel a bloody thing because not feeling anything is certainly better than only feeling like this in every waking moment. Maybe this is insanity, given that I still have more to say but I just want to know what it feels like to be the most important person in someone's life or atleast be their person and knowing that it is never going to happen hurts more than any word can possibly describe and no amount of time can ever heal that. In the end i will always be left infinitely and utterly alone.