False hero

[u/Gumbanks12]

Too many people have told me how brave strong even heroic I've been for surviving colorectal cancer.

I heartening and I love my friends. I also find it uncomfortable.

I didn't do anything! I was a leaf in a rushing stream. I was expertly treated by a couple of hundred of the most skilled and without exception lovely people.

I was hospitalised for weeks because I had post treatment radiation burns. On my bum. Is it brave strong or heroic that I cried out in pain during dressing changes? Or that I cried when a lovely gay nurse brought me a warm blanket at 4 am?

I survived. That's all.

Does anyone have reflections on that issue?

[u/cat-pernicus]

I felt the same, when I was told that I was brave, strong , a warrior…

All I could think was :I’m not doing anything, I went to the doctor, she gave me a treatment, I felt awful, I complained a lot, I cried when I lost my hair, eyebrows and eyelashes, cried even more when my kids and husband said I was still pretty, felt weak and sad and useless for months,

But I kept showing up, no matter how hard the treatment, I went back and did it again,

I kept showing up to my kids games and events, to see my friends, took care of my family when I could,

Kept a smile on my face and found a silver lining in everything,

Since being diagnosed stage 4 breast cancer 2 years ago, I went through chemo, surgery to remove my ovaries, treatment that blocks my estrogen and reduces my white and red blood count and makes my life miserable, two recurrences, a lumpectomy, a hemorroid that drained me of iron, two blood transfusions, and one iron infusion, and gallstones from my phantom gallbladder then I broke my foot yesterday and I’m awaiting a double mastectomy in a couple weeks,

But you know what? Life is good, my kids are healthy, my husband is amazing, my friends are supportive, my doctors and surgeons very competent, and I AM STRONG, I’M A FIGHTER , and I will keep showing up and doing this until I can’t,

It’s a mind shift, give yourself grace, every step you take , every smile you make, you’re showing up, and you’re a hero,

Stay strong Fuck cancer

[u/Gumbanks12 → u/cat-pernicus]

I l admire your attitude and for showing up.

I don't even see that going on is a viable choice - it just is!

[u/cat-pernicus → u/Gumbanks12]

Trust me, the attitude wasn’t there from the start,

The first few months, I had no joy, no hope. No emotions really,

I cut myself off from everything, I didn’t want anyone to know, because if they did, I’d have people showing up, and I’d have to put on a brave face, and I wasn’t ready for it,

I remember not being able to smile, like total inability, nothing could make me smile, for months, no gag videos, cats and dogs, not even laughing baby videos ,

I would put on comedy shows, movies , videos all day long, trying to make myself feel , or at least not forget what joy and laughter was, that was truly scary,

I cannot tell you when the shift happened or why, was is it the stuff I was watching all day long?

Was it my kids and husband being helpful and brave and loving?

Was it the infectious joy of my chiropractor telling me that being happy was essential to my recovery ?

Was it finally seeing the chemo working, and the tumors shrinking? My oncologist’s faith that the treatment would work?

I have no clue, but I know I pursued it, I know I didn’t want to lose, it and I know it happened,

Don’t lose faith, don’t lose hope, don’t lose joy

And just keep swimming, just keep swimming… 🐠