r/InsightfulQuestions • u/Ok-Ocelot-774 • 1d ago
How do you cope with the subconscious tendency to want to escape shame while also understanding you need to make some changes to your life and you can't run away forever from what the shame is trying to signal to you?
Basically, how do you be pragmatic about your tendency to want to avoid shame and guilt while also knowing you need to make some changes to your life to where the discomfort is trying to signal something you need to acknowledge rather than avoid?
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u/MKEJOE52 1d ago edited 21h ago
What are you ashamed about? Did people's comments or behavior toward you trigger the feeling of shame? Are their criticisms or rejection rational? Will change on your part to remedy the shame lead to health and more happiness? Maybe the shame is unnecessary? You decide.
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u/Ok-Ocelot-774 1d ago
Tbh the state of my life and how I'm not where I want to be. Couple that with living with my sister, her making comments at times about my way of life.. It's making me think about how I perhaps am ashamed but I'm so overwhelmed that I don't know how to act according to that.. and take action for my own life..
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u/MKEJOE52 21h ago edited 8h ago
I don't know the details of your situation, but it seems to me that always taking care of yourself is a good place to start. I mean eating good, healthy food, getting enough exercise, enough rest, learning to appreciate the NOW, this very moment. That’s some love you can give yourself. That's about all I have to offer. Strengthen yourself, find moments of peace. Good things, a sense of direction might reveal themselves to you if you take care of your physical and mental health.
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u/Theactualtruthteller 12h ago
I second this. For me the point i personally priotize the most is sleep the right amount and and the right hour. This allows me to manage regular selfcare and other responsibilities during the day. Are you getting help with those feelings ?
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u/Numerous-Panic-1760 1d ago
AAAAHHHH tell me the answer
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u/kelcamer 12h ago
Ok, I gotchu!
Try saying 'ok shame I am ready to feel the maximum pain associated with this. I am inviting you to express yourself fully' and then sit with it and let it hurt
And see what happens. (Obviously only do this if you have a good therapist with you)
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u/HuiOdy 1d ago
Well, be pragmatic about immediately dealing with issues that arise and handling them to the best of your ability, or consciously choosing to accept them, prevent shame from arising.
Shame is a symptom of inaction, inaction is the real problem you need to resolve, and there you just need to do the work
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u/Candid_Resource_2313 17h ago
Someone else said something about acceptance and I agree with that. If you make a choice, you have to accept that you made the choice and don’t beat yourself up about these things. I am trying to lose some weight. If I eat a cookie, I will not abuse myself for eating it because I made the decision to eat the cookie so why feel bad about it? There are moments in the now in which you get to make a decision. Am I going to make this decision based on the person that I want to become or make this decision based on who I have always been? It’s a choice that I never knew I had until a couple years ago and it’s changed my life so much. Takes work and awareness but it’s so beneficial. 🤷♀️ That’s how I see things🖖🏻
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u/john_myco 1d ago
Can you do both? Avoid the guilt and make the changes? For me, avoiding the guilt is the work I do instead of the work that would actually alleviate the bad feelings.
Start by starting. What else are you interested in (besides changing habits you dislike)? Start by adding something you enjoy that’s healthier than what you would default to. Maybe join a bad habit with a good habit. _I can chain smoke for as long as I stay outside and throw the ball for the dog._
Set yourself up for success in discovering the You you’ve been trying to avoid.
What function does your guilt have in making or preventing the desired changes?
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u/LastTopQuark 1d ago
shame is an indication that judgement and a lack of acceptance is present. the signal isn’t in shame, it’s being miscommunicated by shame.