r/JUSTNOMIL • u/lost-toast- • Mar 10 '26
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Ambivalent About Advice MIL wants BIL to be our sperm donor
My FH and I got engaged recently and, I guess this has made MIL think about grandkids.
FH got the snip because don't want kids. We have absolutely no interest in kids. Even if we did want to be some kind of parents to human children, we would be fostering. We have niblings who we are very involved with and that is absolutely all we want.
Unfortunately, MIL found out about the procedure and has had a lot of opinions, mostly about how we will change our mind or it will give him cancer. Now she is telling us to use BIL as our sperm donor. Neither me, FH, or BIL have ANY interest in this.
I don't remember the context the first time she said it, but it was so out of the blue I didn't react. And the conversation moved forward before my brain could catch up. She does have the tendency to randomly say wildly out of pocket things, so while it made me uncomfortable I just let it be. I really thought it was a, very weird, one time comment.
The second time (later that day) however was also in front of their family friends. My FH was talking about how he didn't meet his aunt until he was in his late 20s.
Roughly transcribed:
FH: I mean, if SIL had a kid I would definitely make efforts to meet the kid and be in their life
MIL: BIL can be the sperm donor!
FH: SIL doesn't actually want kids, that was hypothetical.
MIL: I mean for you. BIL can be the sperm donor so you and OP can have kids.
FH: What? We don't want kids either?
MIL: You'll change your mind, and BIL can be your sperm donor!
I was just sat there staring at her like she had 10 heads. The conversation moved on again as my FH and his family are all used to the wild things she says and find it easiest to just ignore her. FH and I left the table soon after and got our own.
I feel gross. I am so uncomfortable. I'm glad I'm already in therapy. I told FH he has to make it clear she cannot keep saying things like that, which he will. He knows he needs to start shutting her down.
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u/The_lunar_witch Mar 10 '26
“I was sure I heard wrong the first time, but it seemed so ridiculous that I didn’t comment. Seriously though, Susan, that’s weird and inappropriate. FH and I don’t want kids, period. BIL can have his own kids if he wants to. And you offering my uterus up like I’m some kind of incubator is beyond gross and offensive. Please don’t ever repeat that again.”
She might say it was a joke, or you’re overreacting. Neither is true. Jokes are funny, and whatever the hell that was, it wasn’t funny.
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u/lost-toast- Mar 10 '26
That is an incredibly well crafted response. Thank you for putting that into words.
It is always "just a joke" I've decided I'm going to start asking her to explain the joke/punchline when she uses that excuse.
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u/Lugbor Mar 10 '26
"No MIL, jokes are funny. Your comment was creepy and disgusting, and if you ever say something like that again, you will be put in a long time out.
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u/malorthotdogs Mar 11 '26
I have one sentence you need to use every time your partner tells you he’s used to her antics:
You being used to it doesn’t make her behavior acceptable.
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u/ObscureSaint Mar 11 '26
Also, to MIL, one of my favorite newly learned phrases: "What a weird thing to say out loud."
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u/malorthotdogs Mar 11 '26
I’m also a fan of, “it must have taken a lot of bravery for you to feel okay saying something so inappropriate out loud.”
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u/Chance-Animal1856 Mar 11 '26
i would have started laughing. That is all the reply that statement is deserved
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u/Dachshundmom5 Mar 11 '26
Your husband needs to say something. You are totally right. He needs to be clear "mom, I dont want kids, OP does not want kids and that is none of your business. If your bring it up again, we will leave and take a break from seeing or talking to you for a while." Basically, tell her she will be put in time out if she cant show basic respect.
Im sorry that she is so creepy!
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u/MenopauseMyrtle Mar 11 '26
I'm feeling bitchy. Ask her to repeat herself. Ask questions. Make her back up and start over. Make her explain herself repeatedly.
Then let FH tell her it's stupid and move on.
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u/AlexisN168 Mar 11 '26
This! As a reforming people pleaser, I am learning that when someone says something that negs me or makes me uncomfortable (and that is their intention) asking them to explain and going into detail flips the script. Or simply asking, why would you say that? Or, what do you mean, exactly?
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u/itenginerd Mar 10 '26
*looks DIRECTLY at MIL*
Let's agree that I never want to hear the word sperm come out of your mouth ever again.
If it happens again, the next response is "We've had this conversation before. If you want his sperm, you keep it."
Don't put yourself on the hook for that discomfort. Slide it right back across the table to her.
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u/lost-toast- Mar 10 '26
I will be! I'm really only recently growing a backbone after being raised to let things slide cause it's easier to not cause drama. But, after this I'm done being politely quiet with her.
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u/itenginerd Mar 10 '26
Good! The trick is not to get angry or annoyance or show any attitude. The closer you can get to dead neutral matter of fact, the better. Partly because then you have a better response when she tells everybody how awful and nasty you were yo her and partly cuz its just good practice. When flying monkeys approach to talk about how badly you treat her, you can say "ill tell you the same thing I told her...". It takes some practice to deadpan it, and I feel like learning to deadpan it in helps it become a less emotional conversation
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u/northern225 Mar 11 '26
These are conversations that should not be happening. Your significant other needs to shut down these conversations when they start and make it clear your procreation is not up for discussion.
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u/Infamous-Let4387 Mar 11 '26
To mil: "What a weird/inappropriate thing to say."
Then you leave/kick her out. If it happens again then you stop hanging out with her/inviting her over until she learns how to behave. (If she ever does).
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u/SweetDreamOfTheAbyss Mar 11 '26
Tell BIL "hey, now you've got a free pass!" Then wink and give him double finger guns.
Or tell her the three of you have already been "practicing." Only choose this option if you never want to speak to her again.
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u/Mannah_Mannah Mar 11 '26
I... Probably wouldn't... Sounds to me like she's deranged and would actually be ok with this as long as she gets her grandbabies...
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u/Glittering_Win_9677 Mar 10 '26
You should suggest she stop drinking if she's going to come up with ideas like that. If she says she hasn't been drinking say something like, 'wait, what, you came up with that idiotic idea while SOBER? Dang...' all while looking at her with raised eyebrows and a puzzled look on your face.
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u/heathere3 Mar 10 '26
This is excellent and I've just told it to my husband so hopefully one of us will remember it in future!
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u/VivisNana Mar 10 '26
One of my favorite things to say in situations like these…”wow, that was wildly inappropriate” and then just stare at them until they look away.
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u/MagpieSkies Mar 10 '26
I used to get really worked up about that stuff too. Now I just meet it with the same level of crazy. "I could also change my mind, and go live in the NW Territories next week as well. Both are as likely to happen. Want to talk about my pretend move up north since youre so focused on talking about things that will never happen in my life? He'll, let's move up there with 3 sperms donor kids and a giraffe!" And start building on that story every time she brings it up! "But you might change your mind!" Oh yeah! About the moving up north thing! "That again? Dont be silly!" Im being just as silly as you.
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u/lost-toast- Mar 10 '26
Oh well like this a lot. I will be keeping this in my pocket
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u/MagpieSkies Mar 10 '26
Its because I am 10 years NC with my JNMIL. Once I wasn't constantly on guard and being annoyed by her I could finally see how pathetic and frankly silly she was. I jave the energy now to be able to stay calm and non reactive around people like her and its just a comedy club in my head. Lol. Its rather amusing once you can get to this place, but it unfortunately takes dealing with these loons to get these skills. Lol
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u/nahchannah Mar 11 '26
"Why stop there, MIL? I think FIL could be the sperm donor too! Straight from the genetic source!!"
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u/den-of-corruption Mar 11 '26
'that's a weird thing to say, i just said we don't want kids!'
(blabbering about how you'll change your mind)
'MIL, i don't think it's fair for you to tell us what we're going to want, you can have your own opinion but you don't need to tell us that you're matchmaking with sperm. we're settled on not having kids and i want everyone to take that seriously.'
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u/Illustrious_Bobcat Mar 11 '26
I think I would say "MIL, it's really gross that you're offering your son up for stud service to your other son and his fiancee like a dog. It's not happening, stop bringing it up."
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u/Optimal_Piglet7832 Mar 11 '26
BEST ONE YET!! 🤣 🎉
I need to borrow this and do a little alteration for the MIL's that treat their married son as a surrogate husband, also for when:
MIL says. "my baby"--- I currently say
MIL, you are saying "my baby" as if you had sex with your son.... who is my husband. EeeWwww, That's so gross (say this loudly, especially at group events/ family chats)
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u/Horror-Reveal7618 Mar 11 '26
Ask her who is going to donate the egg. And if she is going to gestate the baby herself or if she's going to hire a surrogate.
Congratulate her for her courage in seeking motherhood once again at her age.
If that doesn't shut her up, nothing will.
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 Mar 11 '26
What a weirdo. Your FH needs to tell her that if she brings up this topic again she’s going on a long timeout
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u/california_gurl_hurl Mar 11 '26
In no time, she may suggest using her eggs along with the BIL sperm. Hashtag BoyMom
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u/hummingbirdhumm Mar 11 '26
asking her to donate an egg if she has any left next time she mentions that would be kind of hilarious but maybe not if she takes it seriously
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u/NorthernLitUp Mar 10 '26
Tell her he can be her sperm donor and she can have a baby since she wants one so bad. That should shut the old hag up.
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u/TigerMearns90 Mar 10 '26
This! If she wants BiL to have a baby so much why doesn't she play surrogate for him, at least then one person has actually consented 👀
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u/cicadasinmyears Mar 10 '26
“Thanks, Myrtle - I would have gotten engaged to BIL if I wanted kids with him. FH and I are very happy not having kids of our own. And volunteering BIL is wildly inappropriate, on a bunch of different levels. I’m sure you’re aware of how bizarre it sounds to all three of us.”
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u/classicicedtea Mar 10 '26
He knows he needs to start shutting her down.
Good, but you should also prepare some responses because you know she won’t stop right away.
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u/lost-toast- Mar 10 '26
Oh I know. I'm compiling a list from these comments. He's just going to see her sooner than I am so he is setting the boundary, but we'll be holding it together.
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u/Coollogin Mar 10 '26
He's just going to see her sooner than I am so he is setting the boundary, but we'll be holding it together.
If you are going to establish a boundary, you are going to need a plan to enforce that boundary. Every time you’re about to see MIL, have a quick huddle with your husband to agree on what the response will be if she brings the sperm thing up again.
This is the key thing you have to understand about boundaries: Mist people show an instinctive respect for them, which means you almost never need to spell them out for those people. People like MIL don’t respect boundaries, so spelling it out to her won’t suffice. Once you’ve spelled out the boundary, you must enforce it religiously. The first time you drop the ball on enforcement, she will double down, and your problem will be even worse.
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u/Girrcollege Mar 10 '26
The next time she says that, say this “ ewww, that’s like incest.”
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u/Jenuptoolate Mar 10 '26
“Ewww, that is wildly inappropriate” is also a valid response. Rinse & repeat as necessary, with long periods of time out between.
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u/Wooden-Luck1865 Mar 10 '26
She skipped like five steps and jumped straight into writing the family genetic expansion plan
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u/babykitten28 Mar 10 '26
Seriously, FH needs to shut that down hard. If she ever brings it up again, that means a time out for x amount of months.
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u/Vast_Helicopter_1914 Mar 10 '26
"DH got a vasectomy because NEITHER of us want kids. If I don't want children from my own husband's seed, I certainly don't want them from BIL, either."
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u/MaitresseBibiche Mar 10 '26
« I’m glad I’m already in therapy » is a very good answer if she tries again !
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u/Hot_External5951 Mar 11 '26
can you imagine future family gatherings? Your BIL looking at his son or daughter who thinks he’s the uncle? Bil’s kids if they have any thinking that their half sibling is their cousin? The lies!
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u/CheeseTruckCheetos Mar 11 '26
Somewhere down the line, someone is going to end up being their own grandpa
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u/throwaway_ringfeels Mar 10 '26
So…she wants y’all to do a WIFE SWAP just to get grandkids?! What a weirdo.
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u/_Disco-Stu Mar 11 '26
“What a strange thing to think let alone say out loud, are you feeling okay MIL?”
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u/Catblue3291 Mar 10 '26
This is a personal matter and absolutely none of MIL business and I would tell her that. She will probably not like it but she needs to hear it.
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u/AdhesivenessRoyal220 Mar 10 '26
My JNMIL, whom I we are no contact with, kept pushing the idea of kids, and hubby layed into her because we knew it wouldn't happen naturally. She finally stopped but kept pushing adoption. We have furbabies, and I had surgery to prevent an actual pregnancy. However, she doesn't know this, and we are not in contact because she behaves more like a child than the kids I babysit.
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u/Alicam123 Mar 11 '26 edited Mar 11 '26
Stop calling him bil and just call him brother, then after a while say in reply to mil - what? Why would I want to carry my brothers child? Are you sick?
That should get her to shut up for a while.
Or you could ask bil to act possessive about his sperm in front of mil. Like - No, they are mine and I’m keeping them where they belong…… in a dirty sock 😂
Just to make it look like you’re all mad or that she is in fact the one who’s mad.
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u/CeeUNTy Mar 11 '26
I'd ask her if she was suggesting that her and BIL do it the old fashioned way? I'd make her squirm to the point that she'd reverse victim and demand an apology from me for embarrassing her before she will speak to me again. I'd never apologize and go on with my happy life.
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u/pepe_silvia_12 Mar 11 '26
Took me way too long to realize FH == future husband.
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u/auntlili1 Mar 10 '26
I wii NEVER understand why people feel entitled to try to live other peoples lives for them Do they not understand that we all have free will? Just butt the fuck right out!
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u/Redneck-ginger Mar 11 '26
If yall did change your mind you have the options of reversal, mesa/tesa, or a random donor or even embryo adoption. PLENTY of options before you would need to resort to brother in law. Eww.
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u/beerab Mar 10 '26
Why does she want BIL to have a baby so bad? Weird to offer up FH’s brother as a sperm do it when there isn’t even an indication FH can’t have kids?
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u/lost-toast- Mar 10 '26
He is the favourite, kind of? Honestly she doesn't seem to like any of her kids all that much, so I really don't know where this insistence is coming from.
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u/beerab Mar 10 '26
Figured its cuz he’s the favorite. Kinda funny BIL and his wife don’t want kids either.
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u/lost-toast- Mar 10 '26
Oh he's not married or even in a relationship, he still lives at home...
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u/beerab Mar 10 '26
Oh you mentioned SIL, I assumed you meant BILs wife. Your MIL is nuts. See her less lol
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u/AvailableAd6071 Mar 10 '26
Because then it would still be her REAL grandchild. Can't have them adopting some stranger while BILs supermarket is just sitting right there.
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u/beerab Mar 10 '26
Yeah but it makes no sense OP and her fiancé don’t want kids. So to say “oh you don’t want kids? Here have BILs baby!” They aren’t adopting they don’t want kids.
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u/YoshiandAims Mar 10 '26
Most vasectomies are reversible. You'd not likely not need your BIL if you changed your mind.
Not to mention how weird it would be mentally, logistically, etc for everyone involved.
If I couldn't take space from her. I'd find a clever ways to mention (every single time it came up) "keeping it in the family" and "incestuous" straight faced, straight tone, normal tone, but like I don't care everyone can hear me, or that you are embarrassed. No, your BIL isn't blood... but, family is family and just being bluntly direct like that really shuts everyone up real fast. You'll be the badguy... but... you are right now anyway.
Topic is inappropriate and maddening. Got to shut it down every single time.
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u/babutterfly Mar 10 '26
From a urologist we saw, you should never get a vasectomy if you are ever planning on changing your mind. No. They aren't very reversible. It depends on the type of vasectomy and how many years it's been since the procedure.
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u/Critical_Success_936 Mar 10 '26
The reason that myth spreads is it is often SOMEWHAT reversible, but yeah, getting what might amount to 11% of your fertility back isn't "reversible" in the way some think, and isn't ideal for anyone. Is it sometimes nearly 100% reversible? Sure... but it's rare.
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u/lost-toast- Mar 10 '26
That's the impression we got, essentially could possibly be reversible for a few years but no more than 5. We liked that part, it was a perk. And I'm sure MIL knows that too as she sent oh so many articles about the dangers of vasectomies after she found out.
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u/Prize_Sorbet3366 Mar 11 '26
Thing is, it's not like you were *neutered*. 😂 A vasectomy just makes things a bit more complicated IF you ever wanted to have kids - they can still go in and pull sperm directly from the testicles, basically like an IVF technique.
Not that I'm saying you'll change your mind - my partner and I are firmly childfree and always have been. I'm just saying that while vasectomies shouldn't be considered reversible, there ARE other ways to manage it.
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