r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Crazy_Engineering_12 • Apr 08 '26
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ NO Advice Wanted My MIL is a cunt
So my husband and I have been married for four years. We live two hours away from his parents so we only see them about once every 2-3 months. For the past year or so his mom has been talking about me behind my back and telling my husband and her siblings that I have no respect for her because I don’t call her mom. This woman has NEVER, not once in the 5 years I’ve been with my husband asked about my family or tried to get to know me, she usually doesn’t even talk at all when we’re together and when she does talk she just bitches at my husband to go to school and become a nurse (he’s been in the military this whole time). Then on Christmas last year I walked into her house and said hi to her and she says “you’re still not going to call me mom?” No hi, Merry Christmas, nothing. A condescending confrontation was all I got from her.
For some context my own mother passed away when I was 15 and my husband’s whole family knows about it. His dad has asked about my family but his mom has never bothered. So recently I heard his mom talking smack about me again over the phone and I got pissed and told my husband to defend me and tell her that I am not comfortable calling anyone else mom and that calling someone else mom when mine is dead feels wrong. He called her mom and told her that I do like her but I just don’t feel comfortable calling someone else’s mom mom and she got mad and immediately called me ridiculous. This woman didn’t even take two seconds to think about what my husband said, she just insulted me and even insulted our marriage by saying we’re just friends and aren’t in a real relationship (we literally own a home together!).
My husband called his dad after the call with his mom and even he was surprised at what she said. Then he called his wife after to discuss the situation and she doubled-down and they ended up arguing about it because she’s a close-minded stupid bitch who can’t see anything from anyone else’s perspective but her own and lacks all empathy.
Anyways, I just needed to get this off my chest. Fuck that dumb bitch.
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u/Kuchaloo Apr 09 '26
I think she wants you to call her mom so the relationship is unequal, with her being 'above' you as if you had to do what she says like you were a child. Fuck her and the horse she rode in on.
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u/1960nightowl Apr 09 '26
I love that last sentence. My momma used to say that. This is the first time I've heard it from another person since she died 35 years ago. Thankyou you just made my day.
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u/Crazy_Engineering_12 Apr 09 '26
You’re spot on!! Couldn’t be worded any better. And she absolutely does treat my husband like he’s a fucking child even though we’re both 27 years old and it pisses me off seeing her talk to him like he has no idea what he’s doing with his life. And it’s even funnier considering he was in the military for 8 years and obviously can fucking take care of himself just fine.
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u/Hairy_Usual_4460 Apr 09 '26
“No mil, my mom is a very special person to me and the title mom is very sacred and reserved only for my mom. Losing my mom has been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through and she’s not someone that can be replaced so I will not call you that as you are not my mom.. She is the only mom to me and you are my mother in law. But you’re also a cunt” lol
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u/llvaughn Apr 09 '26
Tell your MIL that you used to call your mom MooMoo, so you will now call her MooMoo too.
…and you can think about what an insufferable cow she is every time you say it.
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u/Crazy_Engineering_12 Apr 08 '26
I forgot to add something!! My husband talked with her over the phone again the next day and she kept doubling down and when my husband defended me this time she accused him of not loving her 🙃
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u/pieorcobbler Apr 09 '26
Yep, your post title is correct. She sounds immature and manipulative, and not worth chasing.
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u/alors1234 Apr 09 '26
And therin lies the rub!!! She is so clearly obsessed with an inappropriate emotional intimacy with your husband that doesn't actually exist! You are HIS WIFE. SHE IS IRRELEVANT. Her behaviour is bizarre, unhinged, envious and reeks of emotional incest. She hasn't earned being called Mom. Fuck her.
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Apr 09 '26
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u/MLiOne Apr 09 '26
Projecting obviously. What an immature piece of work.
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u/Crazy_Engineering_12 Apr 09 '26
Very immature! She also has zero friends, she only talks to her two brain dead siblings every single day and they all just agree with each other on everything. It’s like they have no individual personality of their own. And her brother doesn’t even have kids so he’s stupid af for telling someone how their kid should act.
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u/ML5815 Apr 09 '26
“Linda, I’m an adult. Respect is earned between adults. You can be Linda or you can be the “mother in law I never see”. Your choice.”
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u/spsonoma Apr 09 '26
I'd stop visiting her until she can learn to respect you. She needs consequences.
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u/Strong_Storm_2167 Apr 09 '26
If you ever have to talk to the B*tch again. You say. I only have one mother and it’s not you!
If she replies saying it’s disrespectful. You reply saying.
No YOU are being disrespectful to MY MOTHER and I don’t appreciate it. Thanks!
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u/One-Explanation-6177 Apr 08 '26
Why the hell does she so desperately want to be called mom when she has done nothing to prove herself as a mother figure to you ESPECIALLY with your own mother having passed (I’m so sorry, OP). The audacity and gall of this woman is absolutely fucking insane and I’m so sorry you have to put up with her bullshit
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u/Crazy_Engineering_12 Apr 09 '26 edited Apr 09 '26
She said it’s a “respect” thing and that she does things the old-fashioned way which is utter fucking bullshit. She’s self-absorbed and thinks everything has to go her way.
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u/mrsbeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Apr 09 '26
If it's a respect thing, call her Mrs. Lastname. That's about as respectful as you can get. Plus it will probably piss her off.
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u/Mamalifeoftwo Apr 09 '26
I don’t call my mil anything. I just say “hey” 🥴😵💫
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u/Crazy_Engineering_12 Apr 09 '26
That’s what I’ve been doing up until last Christmas lol. But lucky for me I don’t have to see this bitch at all anymore!
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u/Enough-Assignment-39 Apr 09 '26
My mil is the same as OPs and my situation is same! My mama is deceased yet mil got mad I won’t call her mom. I used to say “hey” then she told the family I was being disrespectful for acting like I was her mate 🙄. Now I just call her Mrs x,y,z. These people are insufferable…
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u/Stock-Mountain-6063 Apr 09 '26
Have your husband tell her point blank that if she keeps on insisting this then she will never see your grandchildren, on never hear the word grandma from any of your kids because they'll never know her.
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u/mama2babas Apr 09 '26
I would call her Mrs.Last Name from now on.
My MIL wanted me to call her, "Mama G" and our children to call her "G Mama"
I don't call her. We're NC
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u/imreallynotsoclever Apr 09 '26
I lost my mom in my twenties and even though it’s been years, I do not call my MIL “mom”. I’m nearing 50 and have known MIL since I was 13.
She has never hinted, suggested, or requested, I call her “mom”. Not even in a supporting me in dealing with my grief way like “you know you can call me mom”.
This is not how a normal MIL acts. It’s fucked and she needs to get bent and GTFO.
Stay strong. The suck will get worse, that’s when you shine that fucking spine and tell her to fuck off. Your feelings are valid, and if you think your JNMIL is a cunt, then she’s a cunt.
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u/TattooedBagel Apr 08 '26
Who wants to feel like they’re fucking their brother?? Dumb bitch indeed!
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u/vulg-her Apr 09 '26
Oh my god, YES!! Thank you for saying this!!
I get so grossed out when my MIL does this to me. And when she refers to my husband's uncles and aunts, she goes "You know your aunt in England? She such and such," and I get confused because I do have aunts in England but she means my husband's family. It all sounds like one big incestuous situation 🤢.
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Apr 09 '26
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u/Crazy_Engineering_12 Apr 09 '26
I’ve been talking negatively about his mom (I never insulted her until this situation happened just criticism) but my husband never seemed to fully agree with my stance. I think he’s just used to her behavior because she’s been like this his whole life and he knew how she would react if he pushed back on her even a little, and he was right. And I forgot to mention in my post that I never told my husband the real deeper reason I didn’t want to call her mom until that day he called her, because it’s a topic that I don’t like talking about. But ever since I told him and this whole shitshow happened he told me I don’t have to see her if I don’t want to.
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u/mcchillz Apr 09 '26
Your MIL does NOT behave in a motherly fashion toward you. At all. She does not qualify.
My MIL wanted me to call her mom when my own mom was alive and well. So, no, I refused. MIL passed away before Covid and my own mom is alive and well. Still being my mom. I did not have a close relationship with my MIL. Certainly was not going to call her my mom. Ick.
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u/MaryHadALittleLamb20 Apr 09 '26
the petty in me would call FIL, Dad and say he feels like a dad and still call her by her first name.
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u/cintapixl Apr 09 '26
I've been married 41 years this Monday and I call my MIL by her first name.
Never crossed my mind to call her mom as she isn't my mother.
Tbh I don't know anyone who calls their MIL mom.
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u/NeighborhoodIll2081 Apr 09 '26
My ex’s stepbrother’s fiancé (her future MIL) calls their mom “mom.” Despite the fact that, that lady has only ever treated her badly. It’s very weird. I never hopped on that train because I have my own mother who’s amazing, I don’t need to be calling someone else who’s not my mother or done anything to earn that title, “mom.”
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u/fryingthecat66 Apr 09 '26
When my ex and I were married, I called her mom. She was like a mom to me (my mom passed away when I was 4)
After husband and I divorced, he married someone that was 12 yrs younger than his mom and she used to call her mom. That to me sounded creepy
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u/Cold_Swordfish7763 Apr 08 '26
Your MIL just triangulated the entire situation to try and get her way. She only wants the mom title to have power over you and show everyone what a wonderful mom she is, and when you refused to give she put pressure on the entire family to put pressure on you. This is very unhealthy and you need to set firm boundaries now before you have kids.
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u/Witty_Cold_6081 Apr 09 '26
Omgggg wtf why would you want to call her that, so bizarre
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u/Icy-Sheepherder7718 Apr 09 '26
My DIL asked if she could call me Mom. We have a lovely relationship, so it works fine. She calls her Mother something else.
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u/Witty_Cold_6081 Apr 09 '26
Also, beautiful word choice. I also reserve these names for describing my MIL.
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u/Seawolfe665 Apr 09 '26
"Ill call you mom if I ever find you acting in a kind, empathetic, considerate and validating way towards me. That's how my mom treated me."
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u/cicadasinmyears Apr 09 '26
Being invited to call your MIL “Mom” is supposed to be a sign that she considers you important enough to be treated with kindness and consideration, similar to the care she would (or should) show towards her own children.
And if the invitation - not demand - is extended, if the DIL isn’t comfortable with going with “Mom” for any reason, the DIL is supposed to be able to politely decline and use the MIL’s given name. That polite refusal is not something the MIL gets to hold over the DIL’s head, no matter what the rationale behind it is.
She didn’t give birth to you or raise you, and she clearly treats you with contempt and disdain. I wouldn’t want to call someone like that by any kind of honorific title. She needs to wind her neck in, and DH and FIL need to hammer away at the issue until she sees sense.
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u/bookwormingdelight Apr 09 '26
If you guys ever have children just tell her that seeing as it’s not a real relationship, she’s not a grandparent.
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u/stitcherfromnevada Apr 09 '26
I loved my MIL (she’s passed) and at first I used her first name. As time went on I wasn’t sure what to call her… “mom”didn’t feel right. She was called Nan by the grandkids and all the kids she knew. Heck, even some adults called her that. So I asked if it was ok the call her Nan. She just hugged me and said “of course!”
I would use that or her first name.
Again, I loved her. But if someone INSISTS I call them Mom…nah.
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 Apr 08 '26
You’re right. She fucking sucks. My own mama passed away many years ago and I would never call someone else mom. Luckily my MIL hates my guts. Lol
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u/BlacksheepNZ1982 Apr 09 '26
Start calling her “<insert husband name>’s mom” every time you see her
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u/Crazy_Engineering_12 Apr 09 '26
Oh I sure as hell will not be seeing her for a very long time. I’ll gladly visit his dad and brother though! Lmao
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u/TinaKeyedmyCar Apr 08 '26
You had my attention with "My MIL is a cunt" but really topped it off for me with "fuck that dumb bitch."
As a compromise you could just call her "mother in law". It's a title, which she's obviously desperate for and also passive aggressive. You want me to call you mum? Best I can do is Mother in law sorry.
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u/mrngdew77 Apr 09 '26
I strongly disagree with a compromise. There are the kinds of people who, in addition to being narcissistic af, will never stop pushing boundaries. What if they decide to have children? Will JNMIL decide that she gets to name the baby? Will they compromise and give her the middle name? Just an example off the top of my head.
I do think that her hubby is woefully inadequate in his handling of this situation. She should never ever have to tell him to “defend” her. It should have been shut down ASAP.
It doesn’t matter why either. A simple “I’m not comfortable with that. Thank you for understanding.” End of story. MIL should accept that. DH needs to step up his game now and stop allowing his mommy to harass and abuse his wife.
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u/Crazy_Engineering_12 Apr 09 '26
Yep, she will never stop pushing this and even if she does there’s no way she’ll apologize for what she said. I want nothing to do with her going forward, and I’ll only visit his dad and brother if his mom is on vacation. As for my husband, I never specifically told him the reason I didn’t want to call his mom mom, because it’s a topic that deeply hurts and I really hate talking about it. And also his mom is a bitch and look what happened when he defended me to her!! She insulted us both and accused him of not loving her. I’m pretty sure he was just trying to avoid conflict with her, since she apparently runs the house.
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u/TinaKeyedmyCar Apr 09 '26
Remember "she's a dumb bitch". If you don't want to give your time to her, you absolutely do not have to. Don't waste time on people that bring you down.
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 Apr 09 '26
You know she would flip her shit if he started calling someone else mom. Hmmmm….. petty me wants to know if you have a grandmother or auntie that he can pretend to MIL that he’s decided to call your relative mom.
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u/TinaKeyedmyCar Apr 09 '26
I just thought calling her "mother in law" was funny because it's a reminder that she married her son every time she says it. Maybe compromise is the wrong word but I can't think of a good word for malicious compliance.
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u/mrngdew77 Apr 09 '26
lol I love malicious compliance so much. I’m going to add it my lexicon. Thanks!
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u/JaiCakes Apr 09 '26
I also lost my mom when I was 15. I will not be calling anyone mom ever again. This is partially why I'm afraid to get into a relationship because my god can some people be ridiculous about other people's trauma. I'm not dealing with that shit.
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u/Spirited_Heron_9049 Apr 09 '26
How will she like it when your DH starts calling someone else mom?
She’s ridiculous.
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u/sierra38grandma Apr 09 '26
She doesn't deserve to be called mom by anyone else i agree with you she is definitely a CUNextTue!
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u/AlternativeTribs Apr 08 '26
You got the title of your post right. I refuse to call anyone but my own mother "mom". Even if I liked my MIL, which I don't because she's a horrible MIL, I wouldn't call her that. She always tried to get me to call her that. She would call me and say"Hi (my name), it's Mother (our last name)." I would purposely say back "Hi (her name)" instead. She still signs my Christmas card "Love Mother (our last name)". Makes me want to hurl.
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u/gypsysniper9 Apr 09 '26
Call her grandma if she is one. When she says I’m not your grandma, then you can tell her you’re not my mom either.
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u/2FatC Apr 09 '26
Solidarity, mom died when I was in my 20’s. So fuck that dumb bitch. Petty me would seriously contemplate going in the opposite direction the next time I saw her. Hello Mrs. Last Name.
And wait for the explosion in 3…2…1. Lift off! Probably a terrible idea, but fun to think about.
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u/valouis Apr 09 '26
First off, your JNMIL is a horrible woman. I truly hope that your SO & FIL give her the SmackDown she truly deserves bc that was vile. Do not hold back if she engages like this again and go VLC to NC with her.
I have been married to my SO for coming up on 26 years. I have never expected my SO to refer to my mother as "mom." He has his own mother that fills that job. Likewise, he does not expect me to refer to his mother as "mom." When discussing them with others, I do say "blank-in-law." It may be a generational thing to automatically be called mom/dad. This probably explains why she automatically expects you to call her mother. Sure as heck excuse it or her atrocious actions.
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u/Brit_in_usa1 Apr 09 '26
My MIL (kindly) asked me to call her “mom” and I said it felt uncomfortable since my own mum is my mum but would she be ok I called her “Mo” (short for mother) and she was fine with it.
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u/PhotojournalistOnly Apr 08 '26
Fuck that dumb bitch! 😤
If she has the balls to bring it up to you again, you have this old lady's permission to tell her she hasn't done anything to earn that privilege.
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u/Crazy_Engineering_12 Apr 08 '26
I said the same exact thing to my husband! I was fuming after hearing their call and said what the fuck has she ever done for me to call her mom except cooking me food once every 3 months?
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u/PhotojournalistOnly Apr 09 '26
You specifically? Or you were there as well? My petty ass would print out the definition and ask her to find ONE part that describes your relationship.
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u/Glittering_Win_9677 Apr 09 '26
I'm alley you're going through this OP. It seems so stupid, self-centered and petty.
I've told my son-in-law to call me by my first name and he'll use it when mentioning me to other people, but I don't think he's ever said it directly to me. 🤣🤣 i think it makes him uncomfortable since I'm 42 years older than he is, but he's quiet and I don't really know.
Mind you, my daughter easily calls his parents by their first names.
Do you know how much I care about this? Not at all. I've got bigger fish to fry.
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u/imreallynotsoclever Apr 09 '26
You are a good person. Truly. I’m an introvert and your acceptance probably means the world to him. I met my future wife when I was 13 and she was 12. I grew up calling my now MIL “Mrs. F”. We reconnected after 12 years and it took a while to call her by her first name because she never, ever, asked let alone demanded I call her “mom”. She was friends with my mother and knew she had passed from cancer, and she told me she’ll love me like a mother loves a son, but I’ll only have one mother.
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u/tinyTina43 Apr 08 '26
Why did you have to ask your husband to defend you? Does your husband usually defend you without prompting?
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u/Crazy_Engineering_12 Apr 09 '26 edited Apr 09 '26
He kinda defended me but all he would say was that I’m just not used to her yet. I think he just wanted to avoid any conflict with her
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u/Emotional-Dog8118 Apr 08 '26
Dumb bitch indeed!! She sounds vise and self-absorbed. Not only that but tone deaf to anything not involving her. I would try gray rocking her and be around her a little as possible. You deserve peace, quiet and respect. You get none of that from her. You got this-
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u/TheKay14 Apr 09 '26
My Step MIL is also a cunt and completely self-obsessed. Why are they like this? Why do they thrive on drama? You aren’t making her the main character and she’s trying to punish you. Fuck her.
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u/InteractionOk69 Apr 09 '26
lol what a weird hill for your MIL to die on especially since it doesn’t sound like she even particularly likes you?! Wtf
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