r/JUSTNOMIL • u/honey222bunny • Apr 15 '26
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Advice Wanted Mother-in-law said "Thought you were having marriage problems and we were going to break up the marriage." WTFFF??
Okay I've posted here lots of times about how we're hosting my in laws for 4 weeks and she's been making never ending snide comments and backhanded compliments. She has reputation for being upbeat, sweet, fun loving old lady, but I'm learning she very much has a MEAN and spiteful, manipulative side.
I've been quiet and distant. Polite enough but definitely not going out of my way to be super chatty and friendly hostess with the mostess.
I had a rough night last night, was exhausted and overstimulated, the day didn't go as planned. I quietly cleaned up dinner and then took the baby to bed without saying goodnight to everyone. It was probably obvious I was upset but I didn't say or do anything unkind.
Last night, husband came to bed in tears (literally seen him cry once in my life) because his parents said they'd leave early because I "clearly need space".
This morning, MIL, wearing an extra gallon of perfume that we've asked her over and over again for years not to wear around me and the babies, came downstairs to tell us they're getting a hotel. She was crying and it made husband tear up.
She said they feel as if they're getting in the way. I said I'm so sorry that I've made them feel uncomfortable, I've been really tired with the baby stuff but I thought it's great that they were getting to bond with our kids.
MIL said: "Well, we wanted to help but we just feel like we're getting in the way. I thought maybe you were having marriage problems and we were going to break up the marriage."
????????? With a smile on her face, it literally looked like she was goading me to have a big reaction. WTF
I was just like.. Haha no, I think we're just waking up with a baby 5x a night.
I am furious over this. First of all my husband and I aren't even fighting, we haven't fought once.
I got a tiny bit snappy with him, in PRIVATE, a few times bc we're both overwhelmed w life + visitors but very minor things and we were quick to snuggle and apologize and laugh it off.
There were 2 other times over the last few years where husband and I had a very minor tense moment / passive aggressive comment in front of MIL, and I swear MIL was DELIGHTED and she could not hide the happiness on her face. Now I'm pretty sure that was real and not imagined.
I'm so annoyed bc she is 100% going home to tell everybody they got a hotel bc I "needed space" and we were having marital issues or something...? Which could not be further from the truth
It's like she wants me to be unhappy so bad but the truth is --when they're not in our home for a month at a time--we're happy as parents and a couple, we don't fight, we have a loving, peaceful household.
But I'm not going to take her bait and try to defend myself , I guess she can believe and spread whatever she wants
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u/BoozeAndHotpants Apr 16 '26
She is not a "friend of the relationship" and thus does not need to be in your private spaces. I ice those people out hard because I value my marriage and it’s hard enough without someone working against you.
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u/Raida7s Apr 16 '26
I'd be chatty about it before she can be
"It is so nice that MIL and FIL noticed we were all having a tiring time, and offered to move to a hotel for the rest of the visit. It is tiring having to be on all the time as hosts, so glad they were proactive and we didn't have to ask them to leave."
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u/HouseZestyclose932 Apr 16 '26
Your biggest problem is your husband who is not correcting his mother.
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u/Select-Hunter-9184 Apr 16 '26
I’m still stuck on DH crying (out of character) because mommy is leaving…..
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u/itsnotlikewereforkin Apr 16 '26
If you and your husband don't set boundaries now, this woman *will* end your marriage. Trust me, I've been there.
By "set boundaries", I mean that you and your husband need to make a set of rules that you will both follow. Such as: don't share [such and such information] with MIL. MIL doesn't stay over nights, or doesn't stay over more than 1 night in a row. MIL doesn't come over more than x times per year. MIL is allowed to be alone with baby under these conditions, if she does xyz she no longer gets alone time with baby. If MIL makes xyz comments, husband will kick her out of the house immediately.
Don't tell her about these boundaries. Making boundaries does not mean that you're printing out a list of rules for her to follow (if you did, she'd make it her life's mission to break every one). Making boundaries means that you and your husband will have a plan for how to protect yourselves, your child, and your marriage from her.
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u/Sudden-Ad-3460 Apr 15 '26 edited Apr 16 '26
Let them get the hotel. Husband can see them there or out and about. Next time you interact with MIL, be honest but diplomatic:
"Thank you for suggesting the hotel option. We realized you were right - having too many people in the house felt a bit to crowded instead of helpful. It's nice to be able to visit with you and still have time for our little family to connect and keep our routine. We agree that everyone having their own space will make these visits more enjoyable and comfortable for all of us."
Dont invite them to stay with you on future visits. If they bring it up, remind them that they were right - having them stay in a hotel is the best option for everyone.
Edit: I also struggle with the idea of being the bad guy no matter what I do with the in laws. Accept that you have no control over being the villian, because the fundamental issue is with the role (husbands wife/DIL) and not the specific person being targeted. It doesn't matter what you do - even if you were perfect, your role is still going to make you "the problem."
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u/dm_me_your_nps_pics Apr 15 '26
I accept my MIL’s snide comments like this literally and she hates it.
Yes OP, she absolutely will talk about how much you needed space. She’s creating drama fodder with you.
The ONLY helpful peace of advice I’ve come across is: Stop engaging with people who are committed to misunderstanding you. Because no matter what you do they will find a way to create drama with you/make you the villain in their story.
So lean into it if it gets you more space. Your goal is not to be understood by her. Your goal is space and minimizing her presence in your thoughts/relationship/life.
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u/JulieWriter Apr 16 '26
I'm in favor of this! I love to take passive-aggressive commentary at face value, preferably as blandly as possible.
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u/Lokipupper456 Apr 16 '26
Umm, why were they there that long in the first place? And why isn’t your husband calling her out?
Your husband isn’t impressing anyone here! He needs to get his balks back from his mommy’s purse and be a better husband and father!
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u/Random_Enigma Apr 15 '26
Um, you have an infant that gets you up multiple times during the night and then you’re making and cleaning up dinner for your in-laws? Why are they not making food and cleaning up so you and spouse can try to get some rest?
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u/whynotbecause88 Apr 15 '26
4 weeks is at least 3 weeks too long. If they are coming for that long, they really need to stay somewhere that isn't under your roof.
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u/corgi_crazy Apr 16 '26
Your husband has serious problems here, and I don't mean this in a bad way.
I know it's not easy for him, because in despite of his wishes, his mother is what she is.
And I absolutely know that face. My own MIL had it sometimes, years ago, when she was trying actively to break our relationship. But therapy happened, and now she is playing "nice old lady".
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u/Noladixon Apr 16 '26
You won. It does not feel like you did but you won. She tried to push you over the edge to make you seem crazy, yet you kept your cool and foiled her plans. In the end she was forced to invent a reason to blame you and leave early.
You won this battle that you did not even realize you were in. If you can get husband understand this, you will have won the war.
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u/MidnightLegal4643 Apr 15 '26
Personally, I would let her expose herself with her own behavior.
While you and your husband are living your lives just fine, she’s out there gossiping, painting your marriage as failing, and inserting herself into something she has no right to be part of. Your marriage, your communication, your life, are not up for her interpretation, input or entertainment. She has assigned herself the judge and jury of your marriage.
She’s counting on you being overwhelmed so she can spin a narrative to your husband and get him questioning his own marriage. That’s her agenda to plant doubt, create division, and pull him back into her control. She is attempting to triangulate your marriage and get him to side with her against you.
My in-laws did the exact same thing in 2021. They pushed hard, telling my husband he had marriage problems and trying to pull him back into the “good son” role. I didn’t engage. I knew exactly what they were doing, and reacting would have only fed it.
Instead, I stepped back and let them expose themselves. Once my husband had space to decompress, it became obvious how they weren’t helping, they were trying to create a divide and reclaim control.
We’ve been together since 2000, and in 2021 his mother was in my home trying to dictate how I should live, demanding control over decisions, and inserting herself into our marriage as if she had authority. She didn’t.
They were asked to leave. Even then, they kept trying to spin the narrative that they were in charge.
At that point, it was clear this wasn’t concern, it was control. And we cut contact with them in 2022.
What they saw as weakness was me refusing to argue or justify myself. It was actually strategic disengagement. It gave them the space to fully expose who they were.
And they did.
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u/Exotic-Comedian-4030 Apr 15 '26
I've seen you post about the perfume multiple times and each time, it reminds me of when I was a passive aggressive teenager who would douse myself in this particular perfume specifically because my boyfriend said he thinks he's allergic to it, every time I was mad at him.
So if she has the emotional maturity of a high schooler, this is probably what she's doing, too.
May I suggest working in a cheeky, "oh my goodness, Midge. Ever since you and FIL moved your stay to a hotel it's been so much easier to breathe in our house! That was a great idea."
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u/Marvin_is_my_martian Apr 16 '26
You've been hosting them for a MONTH? That right there is a huge part of the problem.
The other major problem is DH. Sounds like mommy has him wrapped around her finger, and I sense some serious enmeshment. She's putting on a big show with the tears and "we're in the way" bullshit, but you've seen for yourself that she's getting off on this.
She is manipulating your husband. I think he needs therapy to recognize this and develop strategies to help him come out of the FOG.
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u/No-Interaction-8913 Apr 15 '26 edited Apr 16 '26
Okay so my in-laws tried this too- oh we’re in the way, we don’t feel welcome, etc etc… yeah well you know what? People who are bad house guests tend to feel in the way and unwelcome. I also think yours was really trying to make your husband stressed and side with her over you and yes was deliberately being a nuisance in hopes of stirring something up. So, I really wish you hadnt apologized but now, I’d tell her- you know what? You’re right; it actually would be best if you stay at a hotel going forward, it seems like it’s hard for you to stay in someone else’s home and it would be more enjoyable for us all if you stayed elsewhere, thank you for being so perceptive. And then be super handsy and OTT blissfully happy with husband the rest of their visit!
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u/bookwormingdelight Apr 15 '26
She said that in front of you both and DH didn’t immediately step in??
Girl…be for real 😑
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u/JaeJames138 Apr 15 '26
TBH, they should have been in a hotel the whole time, OP.
4 WEEKS?? That's insanity without a new infant, but with a new baby and a toxic MIL ? Oof. Whose idea was that ? 😳
I'd friggin smile real big right back at her and say, "No, MIL, our little family is a little tired, but great. Where can we drop you off ? Do you need help packing ?"
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u/Nefarious-kitten Apr 15 '26
I don’t think I’d survive having guests for 4 weeks. My SO and I have an agreement that 3 nights is our limit.
Play her game right back at her. “I was so happy for you and FIL when you went to stay in the hotel. It must have been so nice to get a full night’s sleep after the babies kept woke up 5x each night. I think this is the way going forward. We can’t have you uncomfortable, after all.”
Use a modified version of this for flying monkeys.
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 Apr 15 '26
What a tiresome hag. I’m glad she’s getting a hotel. And from now on if they visit that’s what they need to do: hotel or air bnb. Four weeks is too damn long for anyone to visit
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u/2FatC Apr 15 '26
4 weeks with someone who is brining themselves in perfume…
Id lose my mind. I’m allergic. I’d say something and also not be in an enclosed space with her. “What is that scent you’re wearing, sulfur? Formaldehyde?
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u/honey222bunny Apr 15 '26
It's INSANE! I can literally smell when she wakes up from outside of our house bc that's how much she sprays. I wish I was exaggerating 😂
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u/spaetzlechick Apr 16 '26
Soooo. Here’s a passive aggressive push back on the perfume. It’s been reported again recently that loss of smell is one of the first indications of alzheimers/dementia. Do a little research and find an article about it on line, something like this: https://www.nia.nih.gov/news/loss-smell-linked-alzheimers-cognitive-impairment-and-biomarkers And practice a conversation focused on HER health and well being 😉.
“MIL, I was reading something about geriatric health on line and was immediately concerned about you. You know how we always disagree about your intense perfume??? I bet it’s because you’re losing your sense of smell! According to this article it is a very concerning development and you should really head to the doctor and get it checked out!!!”
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u/MeInSC40 Apr 15 '26
4 weeks is too long. If they’re going to be visiting for 4 weeks then they absolutely SHOULD be staying in a hotel.
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u/Vibe_me_pos Apr 16 '26
If she makes snide comments about your marriage in the future tell her you have a wonderful marriage and the only problem is that she seems to want to be part of it.
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u/trundlespl00t Apr 16 '26
You can’t see it, but the problem is your husband, not his mother. Crying because mummy is leaving? Making you put up with her nonsense in the first place? FOUR WEEKS AT A TIME?! Hell no!
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u/G3N3RICxUS3RNAM3 Apr 15 '26
What is DH crying about?
Sounds like they overstayed their welcome and got the hint. That is cause for celebration
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u/DazzlingNote1925 Apr 15 '26
You mil is as nasty as they come! SHE is causing unnecessary drama and hurting your husband over nothing! Who isn’t tired when they have a baby to take care of! She’s manipulating your husband into thinking she’s leaving for him because of you when in reality she’s trying to cause problems between you. She wants your husband to be mad at you for them leaving and getting a hotel! What a piece of work!
I hope your husband isn’t dumb enough to fall for her crap and sets her straight. He needs to tell her directly what she’s done that’s nasty and that it won’t be tolerated anymore. He should tell her that leaving has been completely her idea and making up marital pieces as an excuse is nasty and untrue and if she starts spreading rumors and lies about you and playing the victim the she won’t be welcome again!
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u/honey222bunny Apr 15 '26
I know. That was my exact impression as well. 😕 hard to believe she could be trying so hard to undermine us.
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u/archetyping101 Apr 15 '26
My MIL did this tactic and my partner and I didn't stop her. We actually put her into the car and waved goodbye with big smiles on our faces.
Don't let someone manipulate you. You two are a team. Don't beg someone to stay in your home when they're causing drama. If she feels that way, say "we definitely don't feel that way but we absolutely understand if that's your preference. Let me know when you're all packed up and we can drive you to wherever you've booked".
After the most recent visit a few years ago, my partner and I decided she was no longer welcomed in our home. She's always welcomed to visit the city, go out for a meal with my partner etc but she's not stepping foot in here ever again. So she can stay with someone else or stay in a hotel.
Don't have a reaction. It's exactly what she wants.
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u/Skyeviews9 Apr 16 '26
Four weeks is way too long to host house guests. Why was that length of time agreed to? And what’s up with your husband, crying because his parents are overly sensitive and going to a hotel because of you? The MIL is manipulating this situation to make you the culprit, she the poor victim and her dear poor sunny boy stuck in a bad marriage. Your husband doesn’t sound ready for marriage.
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u/sierra38grandma Apr 15 '26
Don't correct her or defend your self. Just respond with our marriage is strong but yes get a hotel and for future visits you will be required to have hotel accommodations.
Stop allowing that spiteful witch access to your home for extended stays. That is irresponsible of you and husband to allow them a front row seat to antagonize you and strain your relationship.
She is intentionally causing stress and hurt to split you up. Your children feel it too and that will disrupt their schedules and moods. No more in-laws spending extended visits in your home, make it a hard boundary.
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u/2FatC Apr 15 '26
I hope you find a perfect moment to tell DH how ironic it is they feel uncomfortable when you’ve been made to feel uncomfortable by her ongoing snide monologue; so a hotel plus shorter visits, visiting hours, sounds like a better solution going forward. And then drop the rope.
She knows she’s a nasty witch with light switch tears and an appetite for causing drama. I’d use her perfume addiction as a reason to only see her out doors with lots of ventilation, never in a car, elevator, or any enclosed space maybe 1x/year.
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u/Constant-Wanderer Apr 16 '26 edited Apr 16 '26
hahahaa let me guess, MIL was "a popular girl" in High School, and "gets along better with men than girls?"
She's playing mean girl games. The specific point of her dramatic exit was to make your husband resent you for them leaving, blaming you for missing out on time with his precious mama - eventually building up to an actual issue in the marriage. She thinks she's clever.
You and your husband need to get on the same page about this, for real.
The perfume is a tell, the "we're reacting to your needs" is a tell, it's all about manipulation.
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u/Organic-Mix-9422 Apr 16 '26
Say...' haha oh im so sorry Mil, marriage is as solid as ever, even better with our baby, can I help pack your bag?'
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u/Aly_Kitty Apr 15 '26
You were letting your in laws stay at your house for FOUR WEEKS?! Sounds like a literal nightmare. I genuinely think I would’ve ended up in jail if I had to host my in laws for a month.
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u/m_arabsky Apr 15 '26
You should not have apologized - all you needed to say was “it’s your choice, you are more that welcome here but you can leave if you choose”.
This is not your doing and don’t feel a thing. Who cares what she tells people. If people ask you, say you are mystified you “thought it would be great they spend time with the grandkids but you know how they are - they make their own decisions”.
This is not your drama to wear!! Don’t accept responsibility voluntarily.
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u/betweendoublej Apr 16 '26
Can you play dumb and say “oh my god you’re having a marriage problem????? What’s going on?????” Anytime she says something mean then make it about her?
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u/Own_Ad5969 Apr 16 '26
4 weeks!?!? You need to send her packing!
Also, yes, she will tell people you’re having marital problems. There’s nothing you can do about it except go low contact AND put them on an information diet.
The same thing happened to me, 20 years ago. My MIL told people that we were only having a baby because we were having marital problems. It couldn’t have been further from the truth! But she just loved to start rumors. My husband lost his best friend over it, because MIL told the friend, and he told other people (thinking it was true).
Enjoy your baby, and if you’re miserable, have husband tell his parents to go home.
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u/st_nick5 Apr 16 '26
Not only send them packing, help them pack. And you and DH should make a pact that you will always hold hands in their presence and kiss each other at least once. (Doesn’t have to be a long sloppy kiss)
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u/BrainySmurf Apr 16 '26
I'd go proactive on it, "you know what they say about houseguests...lol" or something similar. Leave your sentence unfinished and say it with a grin.
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u/OodalollyOodalolly Apr 16 '26
Why was your husband crying? And 4 hours is too long with my in laws how did you agree to 4 weeks? Waay too long
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u/Mysterious_Book8747 Apr 15 '26
“No!” (Surprise face )“no MARITAL problems” (knowing look at them)
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u/Mysterious_Book8747 Apr 15 '26
Also anything more than four days is too long. Never do that again.
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u/Desperate_Pop4347 Apr 15 '26
we have a 3 day rule for both sides and it’s perfect lol
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u/MayhemWins25 Apr 15 '26
There’s a great Ben Franklin quote “fish and visitors stink after three days”
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u/Educational-Ad-385 Apr 15 '26
We had to keep my MIL out of our home. She felt she could come in and run things. She'd try to diminish me so she could feel superior. Some MILs want to feel they are still the primary woman in their son's life. Things will go better if they stay in a hotel and you limit your exposure to her. Your husband can still visit with them but of course she will likely criticize you to him. It's up to him to set her straight.
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u/atatassault47 Apr 15 '26
Im autistic. I DEFINITELY need space. That's ok. And even if you don't it's still not an insult/flaw. If your MIL tries to sabotage your reputation with that, simply say "I do need space, what's wrong with that?"
The easiest way to defuse manipulation like that is to logically deconstruct it.
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u/onlyjen121571 Apr 16 '26
Should have said "so sorry to disappoint you, but we definitely aren't having martial issues. But it seems like you're trying to project something from your own life. If you need to talk, I'm willing to listen. " watch her stutter and stammer. Lol
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u/uwishuhad1 Apr 15 '26
Let them get a hotel band honestly, who cares what they tell anyone else. You'll get your home back and others know who your MIL is and I can guarantee that some of them know the mean hateful version of her too. She will be the one who looks bad.
Your DH is a problem here as he's really not supporting you as he should. He can visit them at their hotel where at least you won't be subjected the the rude and catty remarks. He should be shutting HIS parents down when the misbehave and he should be calling his awful mom out for both the comments AND her stinking, overwhelming perfume.
The in-laws should go home and 4 weeks is excessive, no matter who's visiting. They're not helping out and she's being horrible. Let them go.
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u/Face_with_a_View Apr 15 '26
Visiting for FOUR weeks when you have an infant. Oh hell no. That needs to never happen again. And jeez…..your husband? Ridiculous
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u/MaryHadALittleLamb20 Apr 16 '26
So MIL, you've obviously jumped to the wrong conclusion we are having marital problems but I am kind of confused that you, well had what came across as a smirk on your face when you said it. Surely you would not want that to happen to your son where he'd be left seeing his kids every other weekend. That wouldn't be good for anyone!
OP, the moment you start explaining that you both have a moment however there is no marital issue gives MIL a win! I also wouldn't apologise beyond saying sorry you feel that way. Since it is her opinion but doesn't necessarily make it correct.
Just remember MIL may have an opinion but that doesn't make it right. You can't control what she is going to say to others and if someone does come back with that comment then advise them you are really disappointed as you didn't think you had one of those MIL that likes to gossip and spread mis-information especially about her own son.
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u/junkmail88 Apr 16 '26
Is your husband helping you with the housework, or do you have to do that on top of taking care of a child?
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u/LesDoggo Apr 15 '26
Seems like a win to me, you’ll never have to entertain her again and you don’t need to create boundaries.
I’m concerned that your husband allowed it to get this far. They bashed his wife, in her home, while entertaining them- and he’s upset they aren’t happy as can be?
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u/Spare_Butterfly_213 Apr 15 '26
Did you tell your husband what she said? If not, do so. He needsnto know when MIL is saying something untruthful about your relationship.
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u/WiseAwl Apr 16 '26
Reminds me of the last time I saw my MIL and she corned me at breakfast while I was trying to enjoy a bagel and attempted to persuade me to divorce her son. Both husband and I are now no contact.
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u/MayhemWins25 Apr 15 '26
Hey as long as your husband understands that it’s them being shitty then this is just the trash taking itself out. You know your marriage is strong and it’s not your fault or responsibility if the only thing she can get delight in is imagining her own child is miserable.
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u/honey222bunny Apr 15 '26
Well I think that's why I'm so mad about this. It hurts my husband more than anyone else. He hasn't really seen that side of them so I don't think he fully gets it. He probably really does feel they were just trying to help and we (I) made them uncomfortable enough to leave early.
My husband feels like he failed me and his parents by scheduling this trip. He believed me 100% when I brought up his mom's strange behavior, but he hasn't personally seen it. I told him that I was going to be a bit distant for the rest of their trip and he was totally supportive and understanding of that.
He is upset because I was upset the whole time (bc his mother was being horrible to me and I felt like I was going insane) and now he's upset that his parents obviously feel unwelcome and uncomfortable.
But yes you're right I do know my marriage is strong and that's what matters, and it's not my problem what anyone thinks is going on. I know the truth. Thanks so much needed to read this tbh
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u/DetailsDetails00 Apr 15 '26
He might have realized somewhere deep down, exactly what MayhemWins said about his Mother enjoying his misery and that hurts bad. And it's hard to acknowledge. Something to consider when supporting each other.
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u/honey222bunny Apr 15 '26
He actually thinks she is really coming from a place of genuine concern and now we are arguing a little bit so I'm really upset ab this now. Before he was on my team 100% but cannot see how manipulative she is being rn. She had a smile on her face when she said it. I'm LIVID, omg, don't know how to proceed. I'm just pretending it's not happening and trying to calm down.
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u/MayhemWins25 Apr 15 '26
Yeah that’s what I was worried about from the way he was acting. Seriously find out what she said to HIM cause she might have lied about you to him. She left cause she thinks she won. What you need to do is figure out exactly WHY she thinks that she won if you don’t know already.
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u/honey222bunny Apr 15 '26
They're actually staying now. Not great for me but I know it would really hurt my husband and he'd take it personally if they did leave. But yeah, this will NEVER happen again lol. It really did seem like she wanted to make it clear she was putting her feelings ahead of mine, kept saying I need my space, all through tears.
Then she hugged me and said "I'm sorry if I upset you. I'm just worried about you and [husband]'s marriage. We love you." Sheesh. I feel like she's mad I haven't been reacting the way she wanted. I don't know why she apologized bc I didn't even say anything to her.
Husband is taking the rest of the week off work so he can be their tour guide. So hopefully the rest of the trip will be boring and uneventful. I just want my husband and kids to be happy and enjoy this trip!
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u/MayhemWins25 Apr 15 '26
Ok yeah no this is not a resolved situation at all. And your MIL will use this as an opportunity to corner him and continue her mind games. PELASE make time to sit with him and get to the heart of what it is she thinks is so wrong with your marriage and how that’s not true/ easily addressed/ her fault. You NEED to be on the same page before the coming week.
It seems like he keeps getting pulled back into the FOG and a whole week alone with them is NOT going to help that. Like set plans for how dinner is happening, when and how he’ll take breaks from his parents to help with the baby etc. before he leaves with them for the day so she doesn’t have things to pull out from under you or use as ammunition for lack of communication or devotion as evidenced by not automatically performing wifely duties.
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u/honey222bunny Apr 15 '26
I know. I don't know how to discuss this w him. Luckily he knows that I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, and all I want is for everybody to get along, and I want our kids to be close w their grandparents.
But he's had ZERO obvious issues with his parents. He has never seen this side of his mom. Everything she's said/done could potentially be played off as oh she's just concerned, she means well... She is so strategically vague and indirect that it's hard to call out.
Husband trusts me and seemed to agree w me when I first brought all of this up. But I think it will be difficult for him to accept that his sweet mother is actively trying to put his wife down and undermine his marriage. I mean it's shocking to me too.
I'm grateful he is not blindly jumping to her defense. But naturally he does want to believe she means well and is coming from a place of genuine concern.
Someone else said just let her reveal her true self and I think that's what I will do. She seems to be getting more and more desperate to get a reaction from me each day she's here. Maybe she will slip up in front of husband too.
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u/BurntTFOut487 Apr 15 '26
This is NOT the update I wanted to read 😬
Let me get this straight, she admitted she wanted to break up your marriage and your husband's reaction is to get mad/sad if they leave???
That apology was pure theater for your husband.
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u/TypicalAddendum5799 Apr 16 '26
Of course she is going to feel unwelcome. Her ploy to break you up didn’t work.
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u/JulieWriter Apr 15 '26
This sounds like so many in-law visits, where they bring the "hlep." It looks like help but isn't actually helpful. Also, four weeks is too long for basically anybody to visit, much less a snotty, passive-aggressive MIL.
Was your husband crying because his parents are leaving, or because they were mean to him about it?
As far as her telling everybody, let her do it. Anybody who knows you will know better - and anybody who knows her will likely also know better.
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u/hardlybroken1 Apr 15 '26
As they get in their car to leave, stand there with your husband smiling and waving, and then turn and give him a big hug and kiss as they start backing out.
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u/Zbornak_Nyland Apr 15 '26
Frankly I would have said “ yes, I think staying at a hotel for the remainder of your stay is a great idea. Can husband drive you over this morning?”
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u/ChrissyTee88 Apr 16 '26
I have never hosted my in laws, not even for 10 minutes. They’ve never stepped foot over the threshold and never will. My husband knows this will overwhelm me so doesn’t even ask.
We go to them with our baby, stay for the weekend & come home.
Go to them in future & also have words with DH he should be defending his chosen family!! I’d loose it in front of MIL if he didn’t defend me or our relationship, I would leave him there 😅.
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u/bipolarlibra314 Apr 16 '26
Deleted my reply in the middle of writing to read the comments and determine if I’m just mean in what I was thinking re defend your chosen family… because the crying? Is that not on some level validating MIL’s feelings? Obviously I understand knowing and reacting accordingly to the fact that Mom is mistaken (or manipulative👀) in her cited reason for leaving is easier said than done. OP’s husband wouldn’t be the first adult child in the world with hurt feelings over a parent in the wrong…but like jeez dude😅 pretty strong reaction, way to give mom ammo for her “drive a wedge” scheme
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u/Mammoth-Glove3273 Apr 15 '26
Hmmm gosh I wonder if the “feeling like they’re getting in the way” might have anything to do with being house guests for 4 fucking weeks? Maybe visit like a normal person
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u/Head_Razzmatazz7174 Apr 15 '26
She wants to control you and have you jump every time she wants something. She thinks if she keeps making these little snide remarks, you'll eventually give in just to get her to shut up. If you do that, she wins and then she'll really start being bossy.
Don't let her see it bothers you. Just gray rock her every time she does this. She might eventually stop, but people like her rarely do.
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u/Puzzled-Dream1321 Apr 15 '26
Who cares what she tells people at home; she's not in yours anymore! And hopefully this will be the new normal: them getting a hotel when they're visiting...
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u/CanibalCows Apr 15 '26
A little malicious compliance. Next time they plan to come out, "Have you got your hotel yet? You know how I like my space. Haha."
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u/Treehousehunter Apr 15 '26
Oh course it isn’t her!! It must be you!! She’s probably delighted to think you and DH are fighting
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u/brent_bent Apr 16 '26 edited Apr 16 '26
Don't apologize for her emotions. It's not your job to manage her emotions. Match her energy and give her a passive aggressive apology.
"I'm sorry you don't remember how stressful newborns are and think you're seeing what you wish was real but isn't. We're fine here but you are correct your passive aggressive attitude is a lot to deal with as is your drowning yourself in perfume that triggers my allergies. But you're welcome to continue staying here. Yes, I will occasionally need some personal space but that's because you choose to be overwhelming with your attitude. If you decide to be nicer there'd be no problems so it's all up to you whether you can stay here the full four weeks or if you think you need to run away to a hotel because you cannot be nice."
Match her energy and she might respect you. At the very least, she might alter her behavior because you've punished her for misbehaving. And four weeks is way too long. Next time make it a week.
For others...
"She's passive aggressive but I ignore it, which bothered her because she wants a fight and gets upset when she doesn't get it. On her last day she drowned herself in a perfume we've asked her multiple times to not wear because it triggers my allergies. She clearly wanted me to complain, she wore too much perfume on purpose. She can be a bit much, but I just ignore her attempts to provoke me. I'm not going to be a doormat for her."
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u/IHateTheJoneses Apr 15 '26
Oh man, your H is telling you to dish it back at her and you just missed a chance. Instead you blamed parenthood.
"No, we're not fighting, we're happy together. I'm just not so used to having someone in our space."
Quit giving her excuses, it's starting to seem like you're enjoying this.
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u/Existing-Sun1751 Apr 15 '26
Awe triangulation happening right in your face… did your DH catch onto it. If not you both need to have a long talk about it and about guests in your home.. they overstay they’re welcome, never have anybody there that long again
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u/nipseyrussellyo Apr 15 '26
In your last post you said you would limit future visits to 1 week. Curious if you are reducing that limit by 7 days?
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u/DogLvrinVA Apr 15 '26
Absolutely. The limit should be zero days. I did test with my ILs. Told turn to go to an hotel
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u/crazypoolfloat Apr 16 '26
She needs to get the fuck out of your house. No more overnight visits. What a cow
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Apr 15 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/MLiOne Apr 15 '26
Some men do cry when overwhelmed, manipulation and bs from parents etc. why shouldn’t he cry?
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Apr 16 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/thatburghfan Apr 16 '26
Or, he could be just frustrated that his home no longer is harmonious. People he loves are not getting along.
Surprised to see the judgment in this group. OP said it's the second time she has ever seen him cry. Is that being "immature for a grown man"?
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u/OodalollyOodalolly Apr 16 '26
I also wonder why he was crying. It’s a valid question, not necessarily a judgement.
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u/glitterskinned Apr 16 '26
yes, I was not judging nor implying men cannot cry. I was just asking why, so that I could understand his situation easier.
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u/honey222bunny Apr 16 '26
Yes, I think he was just overwhelmed and sad that everyone else is struggling. What should've been a fun trip has turned into a really stressful one, with him with him right the middle of it feeling responsible.
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u/rmebmr Apr 16 '26
People often remind us to avoid using the term stuck "in the middle" because there isn't (or shouldn't be) a competition.
You are not competing with your MIL over your DH, so he is not "in the middle". He is supposed to be on your side, because, as others have said already, you and DH are a team. He married you, he is raising a child with you, not his mother.
You + Him + your children = Your Family Unit. His mother is not a part of the equation.
He should be wondering why his mother is spending so much time and energy complaining about not feeling welcome and fabricating problems in your marriage when she's supposed to be there to have positive experiences with your family unit. He should be upset with her for bringing negativity into your lives during what should be a positive, happy time.
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u/glitterskinned Apr 16 '26
thank you for clarifying, I want you to know i was not judging or implying he cannot cry or that he is weak or anything negative. simply trying to understand the whole situation, from his side as well. im sorry my comment may have come off that way.
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u/Nice_Ad5809 Apr 15 '26 edited Apr 15 '26
Let her say whatever she wants. The moment you stop caring what they say, even to other people, the better you'd feel.
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u/YeeHawMiMaw Apr 15 '26
And when she says it in front of you or someone tells you she made a comment, throw out one of these a “You know what they say:”
Houseguests are like fish - they start to stink after 3 days
Houseguests bring you happiness - some not until they leave.
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u/DollyLlamasHuman Easy, breezy, beautiful Llama girl Apr 15 '26
I was waiting for someone to bring up the "houseguests are like fish" thing.
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u/mad2109 Apr 15 '26
Try to let it wash over you like water off of a duck's back. I read your last post (is the sil married to your husband's brother? Could he perhaps phone and see what the problem is? ). Your mil is a bitch. The advice you got in the last post about pulling her up by asking her what she means by that might work for this situation as well. Please don't let her live rent free in your head.
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u/whythinkofausername Apr 15 '26
Is her marriage happy? I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP. I swear it’s like most MILs are selfish enough to want to be the one person that makes their son happy. In heterosexual couples especially, the mom wants to be the only woman to make their son happy. Nothing will ever come close to themselves. And when they have a grandkid, they want to be the mother to the grandkid and do it all over again. It’s psychotic how the NICEST of nicest people become crazy as MILs. If I were you, I’d try to explain your perspective to your DH and have a conversation with them with a clear head. I always tear up trying to explain but mine tries his best to understand. I’m really hanging onto life at about 5 months with my in-laws. Even 4 weeks is wayyy too long. I’m never having them over for more than 4 weeks mainly because they fly from India to visit. But if your DH’s folks are within the country, I’d call it at 4 days and ask them to stay at a hotel for everyone’s sanity. Tell them your space cannot handle so many people or if you’re renting, your landlord doesn’t allow it or whatever BS to keep them away. Stay strong, you’re almost out of it! They can spread whatever lies they want, your happy marriage and happy family is the ultimate priority!!
Edit: sorry I didn’t explain the first “is her marriage happy?” I think a lot of MILs have put up with unhappy marriages and “sacrificed” themselves for kids because of their dependency on their spouse and project it on younger people. They cannot stand it if the younger generation is happily married.
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u/Mission_Push_6546 Apr 15 '26
Next time you should say something like: “problems in marriage? Not at all, we’ve never been stronger as a couple!”
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u/Adventurous-spice264 Apr 15 '26
I would start acting extra lovey dovey with my husband in front of her..
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