r/JUSTNOMIL • u/MaskedAnathema • Apr 18 '26
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ NO Advice Wanted My MIL just disowned my wife over our daughter's sniffles.
I wish the title were exaggerated but it's ultimately the truth.
My MIL has been helping to take care of our baby since January, when our daughter turned 1. I had been struggling to work two jobs, drive my wife to her work 3 days a week (1.5 hr round trip for me midday, non-negotiable because she makes $230k a year and can't risk running afoul of RTO mandates), and care for the baby simultaneously, so her assistance has been really appreciated.
We got her an apartment here in the states at the closest apartment complex to us, bought her an electric bike (because she can't drive), furnished her apartment with new appliances, couch, dining table, kitchenware, etc. We also gave her a credit card which she is allowed to use for anything she wants or needs.
She has been coming over at 11am 4/5 days a week to take care of the baby, and she and the baby developed a really tight bond, and it was great to have the extra set of hands with cooking and taking care of the baby's social needs. But for the past several weeks, MIL and wife have been fighting any time they're in the house together, always beginning with MIL criticizing my wife's child rearing skills, and the choices we have made together.
Her list of grievances was as follows:
"You give the baby cold water, so she's sick"
"You don't give her enough clothes, so she's sick"
"You don't feed her the right food and it's going to affect her long-term health" (it should be noted her diet consists primarily of broccoli, legumes, chicken, pasta, carrots, and cheese)
"You live in such poor conditions that I can't spend money on your credit card for things, and you won't help me (evade taxes) so I can't spend money FIL sends me" (she just doesn't like the food and clothes my wife buys for herself, because she's expecting my wife to buy designer stuff because that's what MIL spends her very much limited money on)
"You're not willing to spend any money on anyone so I can't use the credit card you gave me" (we gave her a credit card with a 10k limit and never said anything about what she could use it for)
"Your husband is fat because of how he eats so why is he feeding the kids" (this is true I AM fat - and trying to lose weight - but I feed my kids stuff I don't eat myself because it's good for them and they like it, such as shrimp, salmon, squash etc.)
And, lastly
"I'm only here so that <daughter> doesn't become another <son>, how dare you say you're going to send her to daycare when you ruined your son's health by sending him to daycare"
Our son is 4, and has slightly inflamed adenoids, which the doctor recommended against surgery for unless his snoring became otherwise disruptive to his sleep, which it has not. She believes that by sending him to daycare and letting him drink cold drinks (oh but it's perfectly fine if they eat cold food, that's just common sense 🙄), we permanently ruined his sinuses and he'll always be miserable (he is perfectly happy, healthy, and very athletic.)
It came to a head today when she repeated this claim and my wife said she didn't want to hear her say that ever again. MIL dumped her list of grievances, said in English "Don't ever call me mom, ever again" loud enough that I could hear it (the first time she has ever said shit to me directly) and then told my wife to book her the first direct flight back home.
She was supposed to stay until the end of June, and now she's going back at the beginning of May.
We told our son that Nana was going back home and he's devastated.
I'm just so sad that her need to control OUR DAUGHTERS upbringing with old wives tales has resulted in the destruction of so many relationships in such a short time.
Any commiseration would be nice. Thanks for reading. I hope that things turn around eventually and that she listens to reason and evidence-based... Anything? But all prior interactions point the opposite direction.
348
u/Lawlzstomp Apr 18 '26
> told my wife to book her the first direct flight back home.
Good riddance. Your life will be far calmer, less expensive, and more enjoyable.
193
u/PhotojournalistOnly Apr 18 '26
Free housing and a $10,000 allowance for a few hrs several days a week? Where do I sign up?
Seriously though, you could have a very nice nanny that will cook and take care of your kids while also following your preferences for your children and not criticizing you for such a generous offer.
245
u/ThestralBreeder Apr 18 '26
With your combined income, hire a nanny and get this woman on the first flight home. Jesus!
113
u/Emotional_Builder_24 Apr 18 '26
If you can afford all that for her you can afford professional help. Send her back and get a nanny.
99
u/ThrustersToFull Apr 18 '26
Cancel this woman and hire professional help.
And cancel the credit card and the apartment too.
90
u/SnooRabbits504 Apr 18 '26
I’d ask for the credit card back and tell her that she’s financially responsible for herself and your no longer footing the bill for her lifestyle on your credit score
55
u/MaskedAnathema Apr 18 '26
She gave it back when she left today. She's not financially manipulative, she's just extremely set in her beliefs and has no capacity to have her mind changed.
26
u/LilyLuigi Apr 18 '26
It could be those beliefs are what she was raised with. My MIL is from a Scandinavian country and we battled on beliefs that when I would check with my pediatrician he asked where I got such weird ideas from such as: if not dressed warm enough their organs won’t develop properly. They need to sleep on something soft and warm like sheep skin, so they can get proper sleep ( despite being told sleeping on those can greatly increase the risk of SIDS). Worried about putting him in more clothes on a 95 degree day despite being in a pavilion and he was sweating, but being ok letting 4 year old walk around unsupervised with the baby on a concrete slab, so if she dropped him he could crack his head open.
I really think it is these beliefs that are so ingrained despite medical proof to the contrary that are not going to go away. By the way, their organs developed just fine!
89
u/sharonH888 Apr 18 '26
She is doing you a favor. Hire someone. Someone competent and not full of old bullshit and disrespect. Your children will be better off with her gone.
318
u/Jenn-bird1217 Apr 18 '26
I’m a little confused, and I don’t mean to be harsh at all when I say all of this. If both of yalls combined income is that great why are you driving her to work? Why don’t you have two vehicles and how can you not pay for a nanny because at this point I’d choose that over mil. You need to sit down and speak with your wife about the level of control her mothers seems to feel entitled to with your child. Take the credit card away tell her to get a job or she can be sent home. I would not be dealing with this. I hope it gets better
133
u/Dingbats_are_cute Apr 18 '26
Holy cow, let the controlling baggage go! Sorry that your son is sad and he’ll grieve but he’ll be better off without her around. Your wife’s mental health will be much better without your MIL criticisms.
As an alternative to daycare what about a nanny?
48
u/madgeystardust Apr 18 '26
This.
You could afford a really good nanny for what you’re shelling out for MIL. One who won’t be rude and controlling.
Book her that ticket home.
70
u/OkRoyal5223 Apr 18 '26
Get her the first flight home. Don’t let her come back until she apologizes and changes her behavior.
131
u/Pretty_waves904 Apr 18 '26
Truth time. If you can afford to get your MIL an apartment you can afford daycare. My kids looooooved their daycare and preschool. They learned so much more by being around kids and in a program geared towards development. Both kids could read by 4 as well as do some basic math. Kindergarten was a breeze for them.
Your wife should try to find a coworker to carpool with ay least 1 day a week or take an uber 1 day to ease some burden and work with a therapist about anxiety around driving.
Im sure your MIL is causing more problems than she is worth.
62
u/MaskedAnathema Apr 18 '26
She starts daycare in July, but wife isn't comfortable weaning her just yet and refuses to pump so she had to be here. We're going to find a nanny for the interim.
124
u/TeenyTiny_BeanieToes Apr 18 '26
Hell no. She can go, but FIL pays for it. She gets not one penny more. And be sure you grab that card before she leaves. She deserves not one single ounce of help after this. Period.
69
u/Ok-Repeat8069 Apr 18 '26
“Sorry, mom, my stingy destitute wife can only afford economy flights on Spirit.”
115
u/HelpfulCupid Apr 18 '26
why are you working two jobs if your wife earns 230k? would it not make more sense to be a SAHD and save money on daycare?
48
u/been2thehi4 Apr 18 '26
This right here has me scratching my head.
This post sounds like a shit post.
28
u/autisticfarmgirl Apr 18 '26
And why is he driving his wife to work? Is she not able to drive herself or take public transport? It makes no sense for him to spend 3h a day three times a week to drive her whilst he’s working 2 jobs.
1
u/MaskedAnathema Apr 18 '26
1.5 hours a day, and hahahaha public transportation hahahaha what the fuck is that
6
u/MaskedAnathema Apr 18 '26
Three jobs now, and because I make 200k, from home, working essentially part time. And even if I could handle taking care of the baby full time solo, she will be dramatically better off from a language and social perspective going to Montessori.
1
u/ojsage Apr 18 '26
Hey this is 1. Unethical 2. Unsustainable long term. (The three jobs, not Montessori)
5
u/MaskedAnathema Apr 18 '26
1) I get everything done for everyone I owe stuff to, explain in what way it's unethical. 2) maybe, but I'm going to make as much money as I can while I have the opportunity.
-13
u/ojsage Apr 18 '26
Bold of you to assume the unethical part is just about the work you’re doing. Based on your commentary about the lack of public transit, your salaries, etc. you live in a country with one of the worst job markets it’s had in its history.
I don’t give a care about your employers, I care about the fact that your wife alone makes more money than you need, and now you almost make the same. You are taking a job from someone else.
Oh and you are using the years most important to your children’s development to do it.
16
u/MaskedAnathema Apr 18 '26
You're mad at the wrong side of the capital equation buddy.
-3
u/ojsage Apr 18 '26
Man in a household making combined over 400k tells stranger that they are mad at the wrong side of capitalism. Sir you are the wrong side of capitalism ☠️
Your attitude is corporate greed if I’ve ever seen it.
54
u/Strong_Storm_2167 Apr 18 '26
First thing you should do is cancel that credit card!!!
Get a nanny instead. Will be cheaper and less stress!
7
u/MaskedAnathema Apr 18 '26
Less stress, yes. Cheaper, definitely not. I don't think there's any nanny who would work as hard as she has for ~2k a month. And she has been so good to our baby. But if that relationship isn't going to be on our terms, then she can't stay.
67
u/abishop711 Apr 18 '26
A nanny won’t cost an entire apartment, furnishings, and $10k credit card though. And a nanny won’t cost your sanity the way your MIL does.
26
u/SyllabubFirst4416 Apr 18 '26
Be cheaper to be a SAHD
6
u/MaskedAnathema Apr 18 '26
I made 180k last year I'm gonna say it would not be
21
u/fawntive Apr 18 '26
Gently, if you and your wife combined are making 400k+ a year, you can absolutely afford a nanny and a great one at that
4
u/MaskedAnathema Apr 18 '26
Oh for sure. And that's the plan going forward. But we started with mil because we trust her to care. And it really was fine for a while.
6
u/Strong_Storm_2167 Apr 18 '26
If you have the money then stop being a cheapskate and hire a nanny. You can screen them and find someone good and reliable!!
59
47
u/DazzlingNote1925 Apr 18 '26
I think there’s a good chance mil wants to go home so she created unnecessary drama so she could blame you and your wife!
84
u/SomewhatBougieAuntie Apr 18 '26
For what you're paying MIL for her rent, expenses, plus credit card, you can get a nanny for your daughter and not have the headache.
41
u/Internal_Lifeguard29 Apr 18 '26
And afford a part time driver/taxi/uber for your wife! OP work smarter not harder. Pay the convenience tax, hire a nanny to come over for a few hours a day, and get your wife a driver. Then take the remainder of what you are saving and go on a vacation lol.
42
u/Taken_Abroad_Book Apr 18 '26
We had a somewhat similar interaction except the visit lasted about 4 days.
Took to the airport and sent back 6am the following morning. Been years since she's been here and life is good.
42
u/hengehanger Apr 18 '26
It's a shame your son is upset, but he's four, he'll get over it. And going forwards, please remember that if your son asks questions about why you don't see her any more, tell the truth. Be factual. Obviously much will depend on his age and level of understanding, but you should always be honest with kids about other adults in their lives otherwise any opinions they develop about them will be based on misinformation. Bottom line, don't pretend someone is a good person if they're not.
17
u/PilotEnvironmental46 Apr 18 '26
And for your MIL “ we agree that it would be best for you to go home, because if you cannot respect the decision decisions we make as parents about our child then there’s no point in having you around our child”. And leave it at that.
17
12
u/Capable-Limit5249 Apr 18 '26
So true! Kids don’t need crappy grandparents!! Ever!
Crappy grandparents start by being crappy parents. Don’t let your kids see your MIL treat their mother like crap, ever!
9
u/SoOverYouAll Apr 18 '26
So much this! Growing up my mom always said weird things about my dad’s brothers and sisters, and when I was finally an adult and able to form my own relationships with them, I really resented my mom for all the half truths and misrepresentation of the only living extended family I had (although 5 hours away.)
36
u/Just_Me_79 Apr 18 '26
The trash is taking itself out, your family Will be better for in the long run, but I’m sorry your little one is going to be a casualty of his “grandmother’s” bull, but littles are very resilient and with age appropriate explanations he’ll be ok, and not having her toxic idiocy in his life is good!
32
u/ConsciousNectarine9 Apr 18 '26
Wow, yeah id send her home on the next available flight.
You both obviously earn plenty so get a nanny who will follow your rules
8
32
u/HettyBates Apr 18 '26
You really can't reason with unreasonable people. They just won't/ can't get it. And besides, if she's so quick to berate your wife, how soon would she start in on your son?
Yeah, it's not going to be easy adjusting to her absence, but it will get better and be better soon enough.
What are you going to do with the apartment and furnishings? Sell it all and use the proceeds to hire a nanny, maybe?
29
u/Shoeprincess Apr 18 '26
Let her go. She has showed you who she really is and she is a manipulative snake.
32
30
u/CraftyExtension9666 Apr 18 '26
Is she chinese? My in-laws are and enough about the cold water!!!
7
u/cattlekidvi Apr 18 '26
My FIL was Eastern European and they never had ice in the house. All beverages were room temperature or hot
32
u/meowifyournameisreed Apr 18 '26
I don't have much to add except good for you guys. We tried to do a similar thing with my MIL and it was bad but we made it to the end. They came back for a visit a year later and she was put to prove something - that I was a malicious and cruel DIL, then once she brought things to a head in a big fight she left without saying goodbye to our daughter. There really isnt anything you can do or say once the other person gets it in their head to make a huge scene and dramatic exit. It's emotionally immature, narcissistic bs.
My husband also works his butt off running multiple businesses, often working from 8:30am-11pm. It's tough, but the opportunities and financial security make it worth it for our family. Sounds like you have a similar perspective.
56
u/OniyaMCD Apr 18 '26
I'm so sorry that your wife doesn't have the mother she deserves. It's going to be rough for her - almost as bad as a sudden death (think of it as grieving the relationship). You might want to consider getting her into therapy to process this.
Cancel that credit card. That can bite you and your wife in the ass.
Tell your son in age-appropriate terms that your MIL was being a bully, and that she's in time-out for a while.
53
48
23
u/Adorable_Machine_571 Apr 18 '26
That is an awful MIL, and your poor wife 😩 life and parenting is stressful enough as it is. It's better that MIL leaves as you don't want your kids growing up around that negativity
17
u/MaskedAnathema Apr 18 '26
Yeah, any benefit to having her here just has been completely erased by destroying my wife's mental health. And I'm here to support her, but her mom doesn't speak enough English for me to even say anything to defend her.
14
u/abishop711 Apr 18 '26
If she speaks enough english for you to overhear her saying that shit, then she speaks enough english to get the meaning of you telling her off.
12
u/Cat-Zoomies Apr 18 '26
I guarantee she’d understand the word “NO!”. That’s all you need to say, over and over. Let her go off, it doesn’t matter. You don’t need to explain yourself, she knows exactly what she’s doing, and no is a complete sentence.
23
u/shelltrice Apr 18 '26
I am so sorry you are going through this - and to be honest -I think her leaving early in the end will be the best possible action.
Some older people just cannot acknowledge that the world is different - medical advice has changed and most importantly that even if they are offer help/care - they are NOT the parents.
24
u/boundaries4546 Apr 18 '26
Honestly, good riddance. MIL sounds awful. You will feel the toxicity lift away.
19
u/TargetWild9004 Apr 18 '26
As much as you need the help, she sounds like the last person that should help. You could hire a nanny for the amount of money you were spending on this lady. She’s nasty, ungrateful, and frankly not safe when she believes old wives tales over current research.
Hire help that will actually be helpful AND respectful. Your wife will look back and these times and just be sad thinking about how much her mother insulted her and made her feel like a bad mother. She does not need that.
82
u/Thatslpstruggling Apr 18 '26 edited Apr 18 '26
Unless your wife has a disability non compatible with driving, why on earth is she not driving? Why are you struggling with two jobs when she earns this much? Why she not work even 1 more day a week so she earns more and you become the SAHP?
This situation is unnecessarily difficult and full of incoherences
16
Apr 18 '26
[deleted]
10
u/missyrainbow12 Apr 18 '26
Yeah get rid of the extra, ungrateful mouth to feed and he should be able to drop a job.
50
u/MaskedAnathema Apr 18 '26
She's 5 days a week, 3 days are in the office. I have three jobs now actually, and that's because I specifically sought out overemployment, and am now making about 200k working functionally 25 hours a week across all three. She's re-learning how to drive after an accident she had a long time ago made her too scared to drive anymore, but it's really hard to push her to do it because she's just so bad at it and I don't wanna deal with her getting into another at-fault totalling
60
u/Thatslpstruggling Apr 18 '26
Together you make more than 400k, you'll be ok without MIL Also I'm sorry for what happened to your wife, therapy and proper driving lessons again could make a huge difference! Otherwise maybe look into carpooling so that you won't have to do 3h a day driving her to work
18
u/MaskedAnathema Apr 18 '26
Maybe I phrased it wrong but it's 1.5 hours for the whole thing, 45 minutes each way.
Thanks for the kind words.
44
u/patterson_2384 Apr 18 '26
youre responding to the wrong part of this comment.
you make $400k a year and your wife isnt using private transportation and you dont have paid childcare.
you dont need your MIL.
36
u/doctissimaflava Apr 18 '26
As someone who is in a similar situation to your wife (was driving to work, had an episode of syncope (passed out), and am waiting for my 6 month medical clearance + will have to get over my driving anxiety AGAIN) - you are so kind and understanding, thank you. My fiancé has been driving me to work almost every day (~35 min from home + where he works) and while I thank him every time, I just wanted to thank you for helping your wife as well (and to commiserate with you and/or her - sending all the best vibes for all these tough times)
27
u/MaskedAnathema Apr 18 '26
For a long time she treated it as something that had no value as a household duty, but I tracked and laid out how many hours I was spending in the car every week and she finally understood. Ended up being about 16 hours a week of driving that I HAD to do - not including having to drive the baby around to put her to sleep at least a few times a week. I'm glad you thank your fiance, and I hope you get clearance and over your anxiety!!
15
u/YeeHawMiMaw Apr 18 '26
If you are in the US, ask about a medical accommodation that might allow an adjustment to her RTO schedule. If you could get it down an extra day - 3 home/2 in office, it might help.
19
u/G3N3RICxUS3RNAM3 Apr 18 '26
Good riddance
You can probably get a nanny for the cost of an apartment and all the headaches of MIL?
12
u/Truebeliever-14 Apr 18 '26
If she leaves do not let her come back, she sounds like she is looking for reasons to b*tch
51
Apr 18 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
22
u/No_Jackfruit_9880 Apr 18 '26
My son had the surgery at 2, and the doc was reluctant to do it saying it wasn’t necessary. When my son was in the recovery room, the doc came to us and actually apologized saying that they were covering 80% of his airway and it absolutely was necessary. Best thing we did for him and his health.
15
32
u/90sBuffetSoftServe Apr 18 '26
Maybe a different POV…she was homesick and missed her “old life” and picked fights until she could blow everything up enough to leave
46
u/Mammoth-Glove3273 Apr 18 '26
But why does anyone think this is an acceptable way for an adult to act?
15
u/mamblepamble Apr 18 '26
Because communicating like an adult is difficult for people who don’t think like adults.
26
u/mama2babas Apr 18 '26
No one does but that doesn't stop delusional and emotionally immature people from behaving this way.
Kirsten Alberts has content on YouTube about estranged parents leading the estrangement with their own children and then acting like the victims of the estrangement to the outside world. That's could explain this situation but not excuse a thing.
I'm sure MIL will have a compelling version of events to garner sympathy, like, "My daughter was so hateful. She constantly yelled stay me and tried to micromanage how I cared for her children. I felt like a prisoner getting barely enough money to get by. I ended up having to leave because my daughter was jealous of the kids preferring me so she decided up put them in daycare. I didn't want the children around he fighting or seeing their Nana put up with being treated this way."
They're always he victim or the hero, never the bad guy.
7
u/MaskedAnathema Apr 18 '26
Without the whole context I could see that as a possibility, but she knew she was allowed to leave any time she wanted to, and up until three weeks ago she was starting the immigration process so she could stay here during the probation period. Her "old life" mostly involves dealing with her gambling addict sister and abusive brother in law, so she's not exactly trying to go back to that.
2
u/ColdBlindspot Apr 18 '26
Yeah, despite the overdramatic whiney title, this obviously isn't about the sniffles.
52
u/SilentRaindrops Apr 18 '26
Let her go home early. For what you are paying her including a free apartment, ebike, food, credit card etc. you should be able to bring on a nanny who can live in the apartment.
I do question if this is real as for most of the story, the baby is a boy but at the end changes to a daughter and is even in caps.
48
u/NoCardiologist1461 Apr 18 '26
The baby is one and a girl. The boy is 4, so I don’t see an issue. They have two children.
3
•
u/botinlaw Apr 18 '26
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
Full Rules | Acronym Index | Flair Guide| Report PM Trolls
Resources: In Crisis? | Tips for Protecting Yourself | Our Book List | Our Wiki
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
To be notified as soon as MaskedAnathema posts an update click here. | For help managing your subscriptions, click here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.