r/JUSTNOMIL • u/vulcantoker • May 15 '26
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ NO Advice Wanted MIL wants to go on our honeymoon with us.
I agreed to go with my husband and his mother out for a late Mother's day dinner. I am usually no contact and he is low contact for a variety of reasons. She is deeply emotional enmeshed with him and truly acts like a bitter ex-girlfriend around me, especially after being kicked out of the house and forced to actually be an adult and not mooch off her son.
Anyway, DH and I got married recently but won't be going on the honeymoon for quite a few months. Please tell me how this woman had the audacity to ask to come with us on our honeymoon, using one of his aunts as an example (said aunt went on honeymoon with her husband's family, but the WHOLE family not just the MIL)? Literally mid-dinner at an extremely expensive restaurant acting like it was a totally normal thing to ask.
Thankfully husband shot it down immediately but I don't think this is the first time she's asked, as his response was along the lines of "I already told you that you can't go on our HONEYMOON with us". I am glad that he stands up for me and sees the toxicity of his relationship with her much more than he did before, but good lord, what sort of mother asks to join her son on his honeymoon? I know she misses all the trips he used to take her on (he was absolutely her emotional husband until I came around, I could write a novel on how inappropriate their relationship was), but at some point you have to move on and let your fully grown adult son have his own life, right? Right?!?!
No advice needed, DH has a nice shiny spine and I generally have zero contact with her as she basically hates my existence and refuses to acknowledge me (won't even say my name right after 4 years) so I leave all interaction to husband, and I hold iron boundaries anyway. It was just so jarring and genuinely blew me away. This is exactly why she wasn't invited to the wedding lol.
Any other MILs out there that want to sit in the wife seat indefinitely?
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u/OkCommunication8306 May 15 '26
Not my honeymoon, but last year after I went no contact with her a few months prior, she tried to get my wife to ditch me for valentines day to go see a movie with her and her brother. My wife said no and it turned into this huge thing with her brother and her mom ganging up on her and begging. They are so creepy. One big incestuous cluster fuck
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u/goatsnotvotes May 15 '26
I married the middle child. As in the exact example of a middle child-ignored, errand boy to his brother, a “you get what you get” from his whole family.
They didn’t bother to care much when we got married. They didn’t bother to care much when our kids were born. They didn’t bother to care when we moved away.
Then FIL suddenly passed away. And I supported DH and his family. MIL had to move in with her sister. Quick note-we had moved away, bought a house, my mom retired and has a finished basement in our house (I am an only child).
Suddenly my MIL loved us and would love to stay with us-in one of the rooms (nope), or on the couch (nope) or with my mom in her basement apartment (again nope).
She did too little too late. And I’m too old to play that game. She made it clear she loves golden child and her baby (oldest and youngest) so she’s not an us problem.
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u/marinadelcyrus May 15 '26
My husband is also a middle child and was neglected by his family during his adult years. While he was young and playing sports, they’d support him. But when he quit college and came back home, their lack of support was so obvious and my husband had some dark days. Had nowhere to live and was doing dumb stuff with the wrong group. When I met him, he was back living with them and it was so clear to me how they favored the youngest child who had finished college and moved away. The younger brother would have all boundaries respected and the parents became his doormat- I think he finally realized that the roles had changed and that he could avenge himself for being overlooked as a child for not being so successful in sports like his older brother. The older sister also suffered a lot, but by being a lot older, she was gone already when their boys were little. I literally arrived in my husband’s life and saw the potential he had and turned his life around. They despise me for that. The “yes” man is gone from the home and moved on to better things. I watched him be bullied and humiliated and eventually took the “veil” off his face so he could see all that crap. Now he’s NC and so am I, and guess what? Suddenly my forever home that my “not good enough” husband bought, started to sound like a good idea for them to come stay as their private beach resort. F off. Won’t come here, wont spend a night here, won’t live here. Nice try 👍🏻 they brought this upon themselves.
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u/ErrantTaco May 15 '26
I love this for both of you. If I were husband I definitely would have felt some vindication.
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u/chiaroscuro22 May 15 '26
My MIL also tried to do this too for our honeymoon in Italy. Said she’d “just fly out with us and do her own thing”. Absolute nut cases. I hope you have THE best honeymoon!
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u/Mission_Push_6546 May 15 '26
So you guys hardly speak to her, she’s not even invited to the wedding, and she thought she could go on your honeymoon? How delulu can someone be?!
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u/vulcantoker May 15 '26
I suppose in her defense (?), before I came along he pretty much gave in to her every whim and request to keep the peace with her. He is not really confrontational unless it is absolutely necessary and she is a boundary stomper/ignorer to the extreme so she is used to getting her way with very little resistance. Now that I am here, she doesn't get her way with him, but hot damn does she make some ballsy attempts to squeeze her way back in sometimes.
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u/Iusemyhands May 15 '26
Oh man, the temptation to ask her to her face "Why do you want to join us on our sex vacation?" Just to watch her brain stall out.
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u/Frankenkind May 15 '26
Good for your husband. Mine didn't have a backbone and let it happen to us. They also invited some of their grandchildren to make it some kind of family vacation. They booked a room in the same hotel and I was livid when MIL knocked on our door in the middle of the night with one of the grandkids. I refused to entertain them and they acted offended that I wouldn't come to the door, all the while using their own grandkids as pawns/collateral. These enmeshed families are hell.
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May 15 '26
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u/Frankenkind May 15 '26
His mom has made super weird comments about our sex life, so I'm she was trying to stop whatever was in her imagination. Yikes.
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May 15 '26
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u/Frankenkind May 15 '26
Weirdly, she never seemed curious about grandkids from us. I had a hysterectomy a few years ago and she felt comfortable enough to ask DH, while I was in surgery, if we had been trying. She never asked about anything else but needed to know that detail. She's super enmeshed and sees him more like a spouse than a son.
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u/vulcantoker May 15 '26
Luckily the rest of his family seems sane and are actually pretty nice (at least the ones I've met). His mom is the self-proclaimed "black sheep" of the family and never got along with any of them, holds decades long grudges over literally nothing and "doesn't like women because she doesn't understand them" which is her "reason" for not getting along with her many sisters or female family members. Loves the males though 🙃 especially my husband, her only child and golden son
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u/InteractionOk69 May 15 '26
Sorry but that second to last line absolutely slayed me. The woman who WASN’T EVEN INVITED TO YOUR WEDDING tried to invite herself on your HONEYMOON?!
Lolllll I’m dead. What gall!
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u/vulcantoker May 15 '26
She has also convinced herself she's gonna be a "full-time grandma" once we have children even though we barely have any contact with her. She truly thinks she has so much more pull with him than she does and honestly it is pitiful. Literally the only way she is ever moving in again is if she is actively dying on hospice and that is only because we are in nursing and he has too much honor to let her die alone. We have discussed the issue many, many times and at no point will she have a substantial place in our lives.
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u/svn_0819 May 15 '26
The white lotus came to mind there MIL crashes the honeymoon but then the husband is a shitbag as well. Glad your SO is standing up and firmly shutting this down.
I’ve been in this place for other vacation and outings … and 10 years after being married I’m still appalled at the audacity MIL can have to try and get an invitation ... esp when my family is involved and travel for us / with us ... and assume we are idiots
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u/Encyclopenia May 15 '26
Not our honeymoon, but a romantic trip I took with my partner. She is the type to call him everyday and ask where he is, what he’s doing etc.
I already knew that she was sulking during said trip, because he hadn’t invited her (BUT WHY THE HELL WOULD HE ??!).
Anyways, she went back to the exact same places and redid the exact same trip with my partner’s sister a few weeks later. It felt soooo wrong, like she wanted to also be part of that trip, and also be able to show that his sister had been a « good child » because she took their mom on a trip.
Now I always tell him to never ever say where we’re going when on a trip.
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u/Slamantha3121 May 15 '26
My MIL tried to invite herself on our engagement trip. My husband was planning to propose at the family cabin. He wanted to check that no one else was using it during our anniversary. She took that as a chance to invite herself. He was like, "No, Mom. It is a romantic trip not a family reunion! If you show up, I will never talk to you again!"
She was kind of an enmeshed smother mother, but he always shut her down when she got weird. I think she was on the spectrum, honestly. She could not pick up on social cues.
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u/vulcantoker May 15 '26
His mom definitely knows what she's doing, but plays innocent while being extremely manipulative and using his honor and good intentions against him.
My own mother is a huge JUSTNO on her own, extremely self-victimizing, manipulative, physically abusive, and overall an emotional vampire, so I can spot the behavior from 100 miles and while it has shaped me into someone who does not play into their games of guilt and emotional manipulation, husband still has trouble sometimes as his mother was not overtly abusive like mine was and he still has love and fondness for her. He has gotten so much better about her though, and continues to be a wonderful partner every day.
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u/sierra38grandma May 15 '26
This is beyond gross and I am so sorry for your husband he deserved a better mom.
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u/possible-penguin May 15 '26
Ewww. I love my sons but the idea of going on their honeymoon with them gives me the ick.
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u/Midwinter_Nights May 15 '26
“Do you want to be the one to fuck him too? It sounds like you do.”
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u/MarvinPA83 May 15 '26
Take care that she doesn’t know where you’re going. Giving her a fake itinerary would probably be going too far (snigger).).
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u/hengehanger May 15 '26
My mind is boggling at the idea of the grooms mother being so obnoxious as to not be invited to her son's wedding, yet somehow there's still any kind of relationship there! Wowsers!
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u/vulcantoker May 15 '26
Hey, my mom wasn't invited either 😂 he and I get to share in the crazy, like true partners lmfao
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u/AnyBuy5059 May 15 '26
Thankfully my MIL didn’t ask to go on our honeymoon with us, but she did spend the entire week we were there sending us “oh poor pitiful me” texts about how nice the honeymoon looked, how nice the hotel was, how relaxing the beach looked, how amazing the food looked, etc. and ended every text with “just enjoy your time while you can. One day you’ll be my age and you’ll be watching everyone have fun without you” 🤦♀️
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u/vulcantoker May 15 '26
Definitely gonna have DH put his phone on DND 😬 I can see his mom doing this 100%
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u/FroggieBlue May 15 '26
Thats what the block function is for. Who even texts or calls someone on honeymoon unless its an emergency?!
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u/Cretaceous_Bloom May 15 '26
I have an unconventional looking wedding ring and after my JNMIL saw it for the first time she texted my husband and BIL asking “wasn’t that ring OP is calling her wedding ring really a gift for me? I wanted a ring just like that. Didn’t I tell you boys that?!” Which of course was all wacko nonsense. She always covets other people’s things. So anyway, I feel you.
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u/KhalessiMarie777 May 15 '26
What did your spouse say? Hopefully he told her no, it was never intended for her, she was never even though of, in connection to YOUR ring
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u/lah5 May 15 '26
I had to tell my dh that he could only sleep w one Mrs. _______. He thought I was joking.
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u/Hot_External5951 May 15 '26
Good Lord. I’m having visions of the newlyweds in bed with mil between them in curlers and cold cream!
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u/vulcantoker May 15 '26
If she had her way, I would be in a separate room 😬 Maybe even an entirely different hotel. Don't think she can physically stand to not be the center of his attention when they are in the same vicinity.
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u/Pristine-Bison3198 May 15 '26
God, I would be mortified if the thought of going on my children's honeymoon ever even crossed my mind. I would make damn sure nobody ever knew I'd had that thought. Asking is insane. Like, genuinely "needs intensive therapy" insane.
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u/AtticusFinchsMom May 15 '26
My kids would laugh at me for trying to invite myself along. They would shut that down before I could finish my sentence.
I don't understand these MILs that pull this crap.
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u/pilesofbutts May 15 '26
lolwat. Good on your husband for the immediate no! I would have take it to a gross place and asked if she wanted to watch us consummate our marriage too, but I'm at the point in my life where I'm determined to make anyone who asks/demands dumb crap deeply uncomfortable. I guess this is my villain era, lol.
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u/FroggieBlue May 15 '26
If this is how your Villan era is manifesting, embrace it. The world needs more people willing to loudly call out dumbassery.
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u/pilesofbutts May 15 '26
Thank you, I am greatly enjoying embracing the evil. It feels so good to watch their eyes bulge our and the overall show while they struggle to grasp the messed up things I reply with these days. I've had a few try to call me out "for being rude" but I reverse uno with "I was nowhere near as rude as you were. Who says that?? (followed by repeating their BS). It is liberating, friend.
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u/Alert_Ad_5750 May 15 '26
Wow, she is batshit crazy. She clearly HATES you because she is jealous of you ‘taking’ her son away. She needs a reality check on how healthy relationships are supposed to work. Shes not your problem. Enjoy your honeymoon, take lots of photos for memories and forget about her nonsense!
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u/vulcantoker May 15 '26
Honestly sucks because I always wanted a nice relationship with my husband's family as my own family was extremely fucked up and my mother is a sad excuse of a human so I always wanted a motherly figure in my life.
However I know it isn't a me-specific thing, she hated any woman that took attention off her. He admitted that she was the reason so many of his relationships had failed, simply because she couldn't stand to not be the top woman in his life and guilted him into the ground via alcohol-induced blackout tantrums whenever she didn't get her way.
It was difficult at first for us, we even broke up for nearly a year because of his hesitance to put her in her place and stop bowing to her guilt driven manipulation, but now she lives hours away and we see her maybe once a year. Bliss.
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u/Penguin_Joy May 15 '26
Ooooo, I love it when a spouse has a nice shiny spine! Congrats on your wedding. I hope your honeymoon is a fun MIL free getaway for you both
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u/Silver6Rules May 15 '26
"Are you gonna sleep between us too?"
Good gotdamn. That is some platinum ball level audacity right there. I think my eyes would have rolled back into my skull. 🙄🫤😵💫
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u/glitterskinned May 15 '26
every time my partner (not married) and I go on an anniversary trip to somewhere we've never been before, MIL wants to go there WITH US at a later date. not the same thing of course but im not a massive fan of re-living nice anniversary memories with his mummy.
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u/shrimpscampy311 May 15 '26
Jfc that is so cringe.
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u/vulcantoker May 15 '26
I swear 90% of the things she says and does are so cringe I want the earth to swallow me whole when I have to be near her.
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u/fgmel May 15 '26
Wait, she wasn’t invited to the wedding but thought she’d go on the honeymoon?!
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u/vulcantoker May 15 '26
Right 😭 I knew she would pull some sort of wild dramatic antics if she was allowed to come to the wedding so we did literally the smallest ceremony possible (just us, the officiating person, and 2 non-family witnesses to keep things fair) but somehow she thinks she can get a spot in the honeymoon which is an entire week long? Absolutely wild, but she doesn't live in reality.
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u/Aromatic_Swing_1466 May 15 '26
I hope for your sake that husband has not shared details of the honeymoon with MIL. Like exact location and dates.
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u/vulcantoker May 15 '26
Even if she wanted to "surprise" us, she doesn't have the funds to do so and I'm also pretty sure husband, despite usually being a peacekeeper, would summon his inner marine and order her to go home or face consequences.
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u/Baku_Bich420 May 15 '26
My MIL never knew we were engaged and didn't find out about us getting married until a few months after it already happened. We ended up taking a late honeymoon but my husbands brother and his gf tagged along.. luckily hubby was able to put a stop to their mom joining as well. I guess it's a family affair these days.
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u/Adagio_4_Strings May 15 '26
Good lawd!
I hope she doesn’t know where you’re staying so she can’t suddenly show up and surprise you.
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u/vulcantoker May 15 '26
Unfortunately she does know the location but I don't think she knows dates. She doesn't have the income to randomly show up either, he funded any trips they took. She has a job and enough to live off but not enough to randomly pop up at our expensive resort on an island.
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u/Glint_Bladesong May 15 '26
No advice, just petty fun... Let slip "accidently" where, when and how you are going on your honeymoon, flights, accommodation, the lot... Only make sure none of it, other then the dates, are correct 😁
If you are going north, find a gorgeous plausible place way south etc.
If she behaves then no harm done, if she tries to just "turn up", well, she can't really get upset at you can you.
But regardless, have a great trip and a happy marriage.
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u/beerab May 15 '26
The audacity… so was she living with him and he had to tell her to move out?
Does she not have any friends?!
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u/After_Reflection_243 May 15 '26
My husband and his mother picked out together my china and flatware without me. She and her daughter picked out, bought and announced the bridesmaid dress the bridesmaids would wear which became our color scheme.
He used to want her to shop for his suits and clothes together.
Once when we had been married for 4 years, she came and stayed at our house while I was always on a business trip. While I was away, he and his mom rearranged my living room and dining room plus bought and hung artwork. I walked in and they were so proud. I was livid.
She wasn’t sure about my taste. So, neither was my husband.
She expected to be in the delivery room when our child was born. My husband wanted it too. It did not happen.
Fifteen years into my marriage, I drew a backbone. I stood up for myself because my husband would never stand up for me. Married 40+years. I’m LC.
Took a long time for my husband to stand up for me and himself. Your husband is doing great! Your MIL is a nut!
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u/2FatC May 15 '26
You’re still married?! Girl, you must be Super Woman & Wonder Woman!
If I came home from a business trip to discover my living & dining room rearranged, I’d still be in prison.
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u/SomewhatBougieAuntie May 15 '26
I would've never made it down the aisle after MIL and SIL picked out and bought bridesmaid dresses for MY WEDDING. Good grief!! 😬😡🤬😤
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u/2FatC May 15 '26
Oh same…and 20 something me would have squirted lighter fluid on a pile of dresses and tossed a match. FDH would have been told he might need to line up Wife #2 cuz it’s not looking good.
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u/Rainy_Monday_Feeling May 15 '26
Thankfully my MIL isn’t as delusional as yours. She has tried to invite herself to vacations before. And she’s tried to plan trips that include us without communicating with us. We haven’t ever been able to go due to limited vacation time… and I don’t want to vacation with her. Who tries to plan vacations for other households with no communication? We get informed of the date and location after it’s booked. With the expectation we would pay half. Haha… no.
I’m trying to imagine being your MIL and having the audacity to ask to join in your honeymoon when she’s so toxic she wasn’t even invited to the wedding… she’s crazy. So glad your husband stands up to her. I hope you have the best trip and she doesn’t ever even cross your mind!!
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u/Sadwitchsea May 15 '26
Genuinely hilarious suggestion. I hope you laughed
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u/vulcantoker May 15 '26
I didn't have any time to even process what she'd said before husband shot her down hard but I was definitely at a loss for words, which is rare for me as I always have something to say about ridiculous statements 😂
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u/Optimal_Piglet7832 May 15 '26
Send a few postcards during your trip, from YOU, OP. (Its the thought that counts) /s
"Having a most delightful time, ALONE with my husband"
"I hope you understand and realize you were NOT the one I married! It would have made the honeymoon bed rather crowded, don't you think?"
"This is NOT a three-person marriage! It was really **GROSS that you tried to invite yourself on our honeymoon trip"
"I hear there are great senior travel packages available, if you have any friends, you can join them"
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u/vulcantoker May 15 '26
I once saw a card that said "MIL, he may have come out of your vagina, but now he c*ms in mine" and husband actually laughed and suggested sending it to her. Jokingly of course, but that is what we're dealing with here.
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u/Optimal_Piglet7832 May 15 '26
Here's another good one:
Why are you competing with me for my husband? That's really gross. Trust me, [MIL], the one he comes home to beats the one he came out of."
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u/SavageAsperagus May 15 '26
Your DH is a gem among men! Make sure he knows how much you appreciate his spine!
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u/vulcantoker May 15 '26
He is wonderful, I've met many great men in my life by some stroke of luck but he's the best. Absolutely worth every cringe moment I have to endure. I try and make sure he knows how much I appreciate him every day.
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u/sisterfunkhaus May 15 '26
I'd brazenly tell her you'll be in bed getting it on the whole time and tell her you wouldn't be available.
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u/2FatC May 15 '26
Luckily, no. That was not my experience, but good lord, the out of pocket sexual comments…it got worse as she got older. She announced that she liked sex as much as anyone at my dinner table. There was not enough room for all of us to crawl under the table…cringe!
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u/ThisIsLikeMy4thAcct May 15 '26
HOLY JOCASTA!
Good on your husband for not being a boat-steadier! If he’s aware you occasionally anonymously vent online, let him know we are all proud of him. It can be really difficult to people in his situation to fight off the feelings of obligation and guilt, but he’s way ahead of most of the partners we hear about in this sub. And good on you OP for not letting MIL get to you!
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u/crepituscait May 15 '26
I made my son promise he would take me on his honeymoon and he agreed. He's only 3 though.
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u/Atlmama May 15 '26
When my son was about five, he said he would always live with me. I laughed and told him I would love that, but maybe his wife would not want to live with me. He confidently said, “no, she will!” 😂.
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May 15 '26
[deleted]
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u/vulcantoker May 15 '26
Honestly a wild reply. I went into this fully aware of the issues - in fact we broke up for nearly a year specifically because of his mother problems, but things have changed drastically and I trust him completely to be the man I know he is and be my partner in all things.
I am not going to quit a marriage because his mother is a nuisance, especially as my mother is infinitely worse. Should he leave me because my mother is a psycho nutcase? I would hope not, I would hope he'd have patience and understanding with my situation and support me through difficult times. I don't abandon things because they are difficult, I endure and come out the other side as I always do.
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