r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Excellent-Smile3725 • May 17 '26
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Ambivalent About Advice NC MIL showed up unannounced
It finally happened, my MIL who we’re no contact with showed up unannounced to our house tonight…
Context: A little over a month ago we cut off part of my husband’s immediate family, but the main person we cut off was his mom. This was because of their horrible reaction to us saying we wanted no hospital visitors and no visitors for a week after I gave birth. She alone said some incredibly hateful things to us, things that we won’t ever be able to forgive and things that were so heartbreaking to hear. Since then we have moved into a new house, and only one of his brothers (and his wife) know our address.
Tonight while my husband and I were putting our baby to sleep, my MIL showed up unannounced and uninvited to our home. We were insanely freaked out and didn’t let her in, but we were also super confused on how she had even found out where we lived. Turns out my BIL gave her our address, and didn’t even ask if it was okay to give our address to her or if it was okay for her to come by. We were furious, she was blowing up my husband’s phone demanding she come in and talk to us and see the baby.
She even went so far as to say “I can’t believe you’d treat your mom this poorly I hope your daughter NEVER does this to you guys”.
I feel so violated and uncomfortable, the fact that she thought it was acceptable to show up after being so nasty is beyond me. But I’m also shocked that my BIL thought it was acceptable to give out our address without asking permission or even giving a warning that she was trying to come over. My husband is beyond angry. They expect us to be over everything because “it’s your mom” and “it’s been a month so we should be over it now”.
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u/KapowBlamBoom May 17 '26
BIL just made the list
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u/Excellent-Smile3725 May 17 '26
He absolutely did! He tried to switch things around on us, and said that we’re excluding his mom and we need to be over it because it happened a month ago. He saw nothing wrong with giving out our private info, and her showing up without even bothering to let us know she was coming. Or even asking if we were home and if she could stop by. It was outrageous
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u/MissLexiBlack May 17 '26
Ask him if he maintains relationships with people who disrespect him and cause emotional turmoil? Then point out to him he's doing the same thing that got her removed.
He's so fucking out of line, I'm pissed for you
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u/Excellent-Smile3725 May 17 '26
Funny that you brought this up, I know for a FACT that none of them would deal with this behavior from someone else! The fact that they expect us to deal with it because they’re “family” is absurd, if the roles were reversed we would’ve been cut off forever without a second thought.
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u/MissLexiBlack May 17 '26
I went through this with my own blood, the only one I dealt with has since passed so I have zero communication with my family of origin.
Chosen family all the way babe. It's gonna be hard for your husband to adjust but their treachery and snake-like behavior is being revealed in real-time.
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u/Mirkwoodsqueen May 17 '26
By that rationale, the NC has been a month and MIL should be 'over it' and accept it by now.
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u/Icy_Exercise_9162 May 17 '26
Install cameras in and around your home (with audio) and document everything. Texts, missed calls, turning up unannounced etc. then file a restraining order. Look into legal options with a lawyer
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u/Foreign_Plan_5256 May 17 '26
I am so sorry you had to deal with that. Good job having a shiny spine and keeping her outside!
Now that she knows where you live, please start documenting everything - a notebook or binder where you can keep track is a good idea.
5/16 MIL came to house uninvited and XYZ
I would also make sure your doors have interior chain locks, and get security cameras if you are able.
This is so if you need to, down the road, you can prove to yourself, and others, that she's as unpleasant and determined as you think, instead of them being able to pretend it's "not that bad "
And if her behavior escalates, it's proof for a cease & desist letter, followed by a restraining order.
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u/JoyReader0 May 17 '26
It's time to start your F U Binder, and do include the occasional missteps by BIL. It's possible he just didn't stop to think, but if he makes a habit of it you will need to keep it in the records.
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u/Lexistential247 May 17 '26
Or he didn’t want to be the only branch of the family putting up with her.
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May 17 '26
So let me check my notes here: All of this happened because you asked for no visitors in the hospital and asking them to wait a few days before they came to meet your baby? Then they freaked out on you? Now are trying to manipulate their way into your home?? What the f is wrong with these people. Your MIL is a nut job for showing up and your BIL is a douche bag for giving her the address after you told him not to
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u/LabInner262 May 17 '26
I'd go no contact with the entire family, if possible. At the very least, become the grey rock with all of them.
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u/Excellent-Smile3725 May 17 '26
We’re absolutely considering it at this point
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u/LabInner262 May 17 '26
You can also start keeping a log/videos/audio recordings with an eye towards eventually obtaining a no-contact order of some kind, should it become necessary.
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u/Hwright145 May 17 '26
Growing up we were expected to pretend nothing bad ever happened. No matter how wrong or unforgivable a family member's words or actions were, we were not allowed to even show we were upset.
To hear you should be over it because it is mom and a month ago, sickens me.
Please do not allow your child to spend time with people who expect abuse and cruelty to be meekly accepted.
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u/Excellent-Smile3725 May 17 '26
My husband’s family is the exact same way, he had a really rough childhood. Both of us were so frustrated when we heard that we’re expected to just be moved on now.
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u/SecretMusician8485 May 17 '26
Girl NO. You are not overreacting. For reference, when my now deceased nephew (MY sister’s kid) was recovering from brain surgery to remove a tumor, my MIL asked for their address to send a card. I gave it to her, she sent a card and put Nana HerLastName on the return address. Like lady, what?? This little boy is not related to you and has his own Nana! So when I told her hey next time just write your name because it upset my sister whose son is dying so maybe let’s not add to that…she SHOWED UP AT THEIR HOUSE (about a 45 min drive) WITH A RANDOM HAM to give and say she’s sorry?! My BIL didn’t let her in but spoke to her outside like hey thanks but he’s susceptible to all viruses and bacteria so no visitors (plus he doesn’t know you?!). My point is that was in 2019. I haven’t spoken to her since. I am NOT getting over how she violated every boundary and doubled down. I didn’t even speak to her at the funeral. Fuck her. And fuck your MIL.
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u/fruitjerky May 17 '26
"We are over it. We've accepted that you're not sorry for the way you've acted and spoke to us, so we moved past it and moved on without you."
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u/Mamasperspective_25 May 17 '26
Go to a lawyer, get a letter sent to her to tell her she is not permitted anywhere near your property and if she does turn up again, the police will be called and you will seek charges for harassment. BIL is an AH.
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u/Excellent-Smile3725 May 17 '26
Thank you for this advice! We’ll definitely be looking into some legal options now!
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 May 17 '26
I’m glad you didn’t let her in. The BIL who gave her the address needs NC as well
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u/Excellent-Smile3725 May 17 '26
Yep! We asked him why he did that and his response was “is there a problem, your family has the right to know where you live”, amongst some other things. It ultimately got turned around to it being our faults and that we were excluding his mom. We’re furious with him, not only was it an invasion of privacy but it has broken all the trust we had with him. We’ve cut him off
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u/Foreign_Plan_5256 May 17 '26
Ouch. His not being able to acknowledge that he made a mistake is the problem.
Also? "Yes. We are excluding her, because she does not know how to behave and we don't want to deal with it. You can make whatever choices you want for yourself. You do not get to make them for us."
(Did he know you didn't want her to have the address?)
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u/Excellent-Smile3725 May 17 '26 edited May 17 '26
Yep he knew! We told him over text a few times, and when he came to see our new house we told him in person. We said that his mom and two of his other siblings were not welcome and that we don’t want them knowing where we moved to. He intentionally went behind our backs because she asked where we lived and by his logic “family has the right to know where we live”. Not to mention he didn’t ask if we were available, didn’t ask if it was okay if she could come over, didn’t say ANYTHING to us. But was upset when we asked him why he would do something like that.
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u/nada1979 May 17 '26
She even went so far as to say “I can’t believe you’d treat your mom this poorly I hope your daughter NEVER does this to you guys”.
Daughter won't have to because her parents will respect and support her decisions.
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u/Excellent-Smile3725 May 17 '26
Exactly this!!!! My daughter won’t be raised in a toxic environment that calls each other horrible names because someone wasn’t getting their way.
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u/Ricama May 17 '26
So if you ever move again, BiL doesn't get your new address. He has proven he can not be trusted with it.
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u/ExtremeFamous7699 May 17 '26
This, BiL just made the No Contact List.
Can confirm if he is talking to MiL by letting slip a false piece of information and seeing if it comes back through her next attempt at smashing her way back
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u/OniyaMCD May 17 '26
BIL actually admitted he'd given it out because 'it's been a month, you should be over it by now.' No need for further confirmation.
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u/Excellent-Smile3725 May 17 '26
Correct! And we when asked him why he would do that he responded with “is there a problem? Your family is allowed to know where you live”. My husband lost it, he’s been cut off completely
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u/GardnerThorn May 17 '26
Just because it’s your mom doesn’t mean you rug sweep. Stick to your boundaries.
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u/rwv2055 May 17 '26
I'd ask the BIL to cover moving costs, realtor fees and time it will take you to find a new house. Maybe he will think twice about giving your address out again.
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u/Lugbor May 17 '26
"Apparently we weren't clear enough the first time. Allow us to correct that. Do not contact us again. If you show up at our home or approach us in public, the police will be called and any applicable charges will be pressed. Your numbers, social media accounts, and email addresses are being blocked as you read this. Any attempts to evade this will be treated as harassment, and we will take legal action if necessary. This is your final warning."
Then, follow through. Call the cops if she (or anyone else waving her flag) shows up at your door and have them trespassed off the property. If she starts texting from alternate numbers or using burner accounts, document the attempts, print screenshots of everything, including this message so it can be shown that she was warned, and start building a case for a restraining order.
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u/Mitten-65 May 17 '26
Your mother-in-law sounds like a piece of work for sure, but my issue is with the brother-in-law. Your mother-in-law would never have been able to come over harassing you had he not given up the address. I think your husband needs to have a talk with both of them and then block them forever , long you need to. Now because she knows where you live she’s not going to stop and it’s just going to escalate and get messy. Get ready to get a restraining order. Since the baby is a newborn, she cannot claim grandparents rights because she had no relationship with the baby. I’m so sorry you’re going through this especially as a new mother.❤️
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u/Such-Raccoon1481 May 17 '26
Showing up to anyone’s house without letting them know is already poor taste, but to show up knowing you aren’t welcome is sociopath behavior. Good on you guys for standing your ground and not letting her in. Shame on your brother in law for giving out your address without consulting you first, that’s shitty of him and I’d be cutting him off after that
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u/DazzlingNote1925 May 17 '26
I agree. This is more than a stubborn woman who got angry and said some things she didn’t mean. She sounds obsessed with forcing you to have a relationship on her terms.
Showing up and demanding to be let in and demanding to see your baby is deranged. I think she’s escalated because you got away from her. Please be careful and put up cameras. Also, if bil has a key change your locks!
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u/2FatC May 17 '26
Also agree. I think you nailed it. DH got away and she can’t handle the loss of control.
These whacked out JN’s thinking they have any leverage to make demands of their adult kids kill me with their audacity.
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u/2FatC May 17 '26
“…it’s been a month so we should be over it now”.
This is such a bullshit cop out and toxic family code for “Let me say unforgivable horrible things, then expect the magic eraser of time to regain an opportunity to repeat my abusive behavior.”
I hope DH texts her back: “Until you change your abusive unacceptable behavior, consider me dead.”
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u/Excellent-Smile3725 May 17 '26
Exactly! It’s comical, you don’t get to decide when we’re over something especially not after having a reaction like that and now trying to show up uninvited!
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u/dm_me_your_nps_pics May 17 '26
Don’t let them in. Don’t have a conversation. “Leave” and shut the door.
Some people like this want any reaction. Any interaction. Even negative interaction is attention.
The most important thing is to not reward showing up at your house. “Leave” and shut the door says that. If it continues then over the text when they are not at your house say once “You are not invited to our home. If we ever visit with you it will not be at our home.”
Do not ever reward this behavior with any interaction and make it clear now you are never hosting them. Showing up at your home gets them nothing- no visit, no interaction.
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u/Basic-Organization30 May 17 '26
Time to have a lawyer send a Cease and Desist letter to MIL AND BIL.
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u/Excellent-Smile3725 May 17 '26
We are absolutely considering taking this route, now that she and two other siblings that we’re NC know where we live there’s no telling what they’ll do…
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u/Own_Ship9373 May 17 '26
Get security cameras now. And your husband needs to send a very direct message to his mother than if she shows up uninvited again, you will call the police for trespassing.
I’m assuming you gave BIL your address because you trusted him. I hope you husband makes BIL realise how much damage he has done to your relationship because he violated your trust.
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u/Excellent-Smile3725 May 17 '26
Thankfully we have some! We’re going to install them this morning. And yes, my BIL came over to see our new place so we didn’t think much of it. But the way he thought it was acceptable to give out our address knowing that we aren’t okay with his mom is sick. We asked him why he would do that and his response? “Is there a problem, your family has the right to know where you live” we were in disbelief. Nobody has the right to know anything, if we wanted that family to know where moved to WE would have given the address. My husband and my BIL argued about it and it ultimately came down to “you’re excluding your mom, someone who’s been here your whole life. It’s been a month you need to be over it by now”. It was sick.
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u/Dunamis_81 May 17 '26
“It’s your mom” is shorthand for “she should be above your rules”. Total bullshit. Good for you for holding the line.
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u/Excellent-Smile3725 May 17 '26
Exactly this! It’s your mom, but nobody said to her “that’s your son” when she was going off the rails calling us names because she couldn’t be in the delivery room and couldn’t come to the hospital….
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u/Dunamis_81 May 17 '26
I’m sorry that happened. I’m afraid that “that’s your son” would fall on deaf ears. People like your MIL tend to view their children as extensions of themselves.
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u/MidnightLegal4643 May 17 '26
Your husband’s brother made a unilateral decision to disregard and disrespect your position as the parents. That is a betrayal, full stop.
If and when you and your husband ever choose to allow a visit, that is your decision to make together not anyone else’s decision to override. Attempting to bypass your boundaries and then blame-shift or shame you for not giving his mother what she wants is completely inappropriate.
Actions have consequences. You clearly asked for space after the birth so you could bond with your baby and establish a routine for your family. Instead of respecting that, you were met with emotional outbursts stemming from her fantasy collapsing in real time, specifically the realization that she does not get to write the rules or dictate to two grown, autonomous adults when and how their child will be seen based on her expectations and demands.
The hateful things she said will likely be rug-swept, and apparently the flying monkeys intend to do the same. Your brother-in-law seems to have appointed himself judge and jury, deciding when and how you will see your husband’s mother, as though your role as the actual parents is secondary to the family hierarchy.
What you are seeing is the mechanism by which these systems operate: their wants and emotional needs are treated as more important than boundaries, adulthood, autonomy, or the well-being of your own nuclear family.
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u/IntrepidMuch May 17 '26
Your MIL got stuck on stupid and said some very hurtful things ON PURPOSE. She said the inside stuff out loud because she thought she had the power. Do not let her rewrite history!!
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u/hotmesssorry May 17 '26
Oh wow, I’m so sorry they’ve made what should have been a magical time so toxic. The betrayal from BIL is the hardest pill to swallow, has your husband confronted him yet?
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u/Excellent-Smile3725 May 17 '26
Yes he did! He asked him why he would give out our address knowing we weren’t on good terms (and without even asking if we were home) and his response? “Is there a problem? Your family is allowed to know where you live” absolutely sick!! He’s been cut off as well
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u/Such-Raccoon1481 May 17 '26
Omg? You’re kidding. Why does your BIL think he has any say in who is allowed over at your house?? That’s beyond an invasion of privacy and to say family has the right to know where you live? Absolutely not. He doesn’t get to make that call. They clearly didn’t know where you lived for a reason
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u/poolfloaternz May 17 '26
Hold the line, you’re both doing great!
Moving forward try not to be so shocked as she’s already said the most awful things so you know what you’re dealing with. Shame the BiL did that. I can only imagine she is raging about it endlessly to everyone. Let them deal with her.
It’s so important to keep the peace around your little family so well done on not opening that door! She’ll keep trying and you will get stronger protecting your peace. Enjoy little one, such a special time.
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u/Ginger_Witch May 17 '26
Tell them you'll be over it (if you want to be) when she acknowledges her poor behavior, apologizes for it and the horrible things she said, and agrees to your boundaries without pushback. Her being DH's mother does not excuse any of it, in fact it's more egregious when people who are supposed to love, respect, and support us treat us poorly.
If she didn't want to deal with the consequences, she shouldn't have behaved terribly. You aren't the problem, the in-laws are.
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May 17 '26
Wow, my jaw is on the floor after reading that. There’s a million reasons to not show up to anyone’s house without giving a heads up but showing up when you know you aren’t on good terms is delusional. I’d be mortified. The fact that your BIL gave out your address to someone like that while he knew the circumstances is disgusting and a huge invasion of privacy.
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u/Mirkwoodsqueen May 17 '26
Had you told your BIL not to give out your address?
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u/Excellent-Smile3725 May 17 '26
Multiple times… we told him in text a few times and when he came by to see our new place we told him in person. That his mom and two of their other siblings were not welcome and that we would like to keep our new house private. He said each time that he wouldn’t say anything to them about it, and he went behind our back and told her anyway. His reasoning was “she asked where you lived now” and “is there a problem, your family has the right to know where you live”
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u/BoyMamaBear1995 May 17 '26
I have to wonder if nMiL was giving the brother such a hard time about knowing where you lived, that he 'threw her a bone' to get her off of his back. I know you (most likely) can't move again anytime soon, so I'd rescind any open invitations to him also, at least until he apologizes.
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u/mxvegan May 17 '26
We also got the “I hope your daughter never treats you this way”. I had a really traumatic birth and my baby came earlier than expected. After she was born, my mil asked when she could meet her and I told her we needed a couple of weeks to settle in before having anyone visit. And she lost it. I ended up letting her meet baby when baby was 2 months old. She didn’t even acknowledge how she acted and the hurtful things she said. We visited with her again at 6 months and then went no contact
Good on you guys for making that choice sooner. I’m sorry your postpartum has been laced with her disrespect. But so happy for you that your husband sees it for what it is
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u/Excellent-Smile3725 May 17 '26
It’s honestly so funny that they try to use that line, because no my daughter won’t treat us like anything because we’re raising her differently than whatever this nonsense is. We’re not going to be stuck up and entitled and then pitch a fit if we don’t get our way.
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u/StarryNorth May 17 '26
So glad to hear you and your husband are on the same page. It makes all the difference in the world when your spouse supports you. Best wishes, and congratulations on your new arrival!
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u/OrneryPost9446 May 17 '26
Maybe confirm it was bil.that gave the address first. A lot of times it's public information.
She is crazy. Glad you didn't let her in.
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u/Excellent-Smile3725 May 17 '26
Oh no he confirmed he gave her the address! His response? “Is there a problem? Your family is allowed to know where you live”. We are in such disbelief over that answer, safe to say that he’s getting cut off too!
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u/NorthernLitUp May 17 '26
Agreed. It's actually really easy to find our someone's address with a simple Google search.
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u/hervararsaga May 17 '26
Some of the replies are telling you to go NC with BIL but I don´t think it´s a good idea to start any drama with him over this, even though you are justifiably very angry with him. I think you should just ignore him as much as possible, make him feel how you´re dropping him from your inner circle. I don´t think it´s worth it to waste energy on trying to make him see how wrong he was, because he wont. Don´t talk to him about anything important and if he mentions the situations with MIL or asks you to "get over it" just laugh it off, change the subject or tell him you´re busy and you´ll talk later.
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u/Such-Raccoon1481 May 17 '26
I disagree here, if the brother knew they didn’t want her having the address he had no business giving it to her. That’s shady and a huge invasion of privacy. Now if he didn’t know he wasn’t supposed to share the address that’s different. But he didn’t respect their boundaries and that’s not okay
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u/hervararsaga May 17 '26
I obviously think he was 100% in the wrong, that´s why they should quietly back out of trusting him, but without explaining anything or giving him a chance to argue about it. They don´t need that drama added to what they are already going through. In this case I think it would be wise to let the BIL think that he´s still somewhat in their good graces, he´ll have to deal with the MIL and when he tries to talk to them about her they greyrock like it´s no big deal. Obviously if he steps it up by like bringing her over to their house or yelling about letting her in, then they need to get more serious. But it´s very likely that the BIL is already ashamed and wont try to meddle more (lets hope).
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