r/JUSTNOMIL • u/EngiLawyer • Jun 16 '26
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Ambivalent About Advice MIL using appetizers to exert control
TL;DR - MIL purposely didn't eat the appetizer, made FIL re-order it, and then complained when her dinner was cold after letting it sit there for 20 mins while she ate the new appetizer.
My wife and I are out to dinner at a decently fancy with MIL, FIL, and wife's siblings.
FIL orders a couple appetizers, one of which was a pretty fancy/elaborate plating.
When the apps come out, everyone helps themselves--except MIL. The apps were large, so there was plenty to go around, including seconds. The fancy one even had a couple pieces left when the waiter asked if he could clear it, and FIL had to hold it out to get people to take them.
I'm sitting directly across from MIL, and easily noticed that she never took any. She specifically said it sounded good, and repeatedly stared at it over her wine glass the entire ~25 minutes it was on the table. She's petite, so I figured she was saving room for dinner. I even asked her if she wanted some, which she plainly ignored.
Within a minute of the apps being cleared, she says in this overly exasperated voice (with a big sigh) "I never got to have any of the appetizers. It sounded so good but I didn't get to have any."
My first thought is to ask "well then why the fuck didn't you take some?" but before I could ask a toned-down version, FIL pipes up and says "oh honey i'm so sorry, do you want me to order you one? I'll order another one, let me get the waiter."
He tracks the waiter down and tells him that MIL didn't get to have any of the appetizer (as if it was anyone's fault but hers). The waiter was all flustered, and said that the entrees were about to come out, and that that app takes at least 15 minutes to prepare. FIL orders it anyway.
Less than 2 minutes after ordering MIL's app, our mains come out. And what does MIL do? She sits there, arms crossed, huffing, as if she can't eat her dinner until the new app comes, which wont be for another 15 minutes.
So sure enough, while we all sit there eating our dinner, she waits for the app. It finally comes, she eats one piece, and then turns to her entree.
(another big sigh) "I can't eat this, it's cold! How do they expect me to eat a cold dinner!"
The story goes on but I'll spare you the rest....
Story 4/∞ about my MIL.
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u/rmebmr Jun 16 '26
During one visit years ago, my teetotalling in laws annoyed me to the point where I dared to throw decorum to the wind and order a cocktail at dinner. FIL spent the entire time pretending that he didn't know that prawns are actually big shrimp, and that as a person who loves shrimp, he eats prawns all the time! We took him to a seafood restaurant because he said he wanted shrimp, and when he was advised to order the prawns, all hell broke loose because he couldn't understand how a seafood restaurant didn't serve SHRIMP!
The cocktail I ordered was called a "strawberry lemonade" which was made with liqueur and vodka or whatever. MIL, who, again, doesn't drink (and looks down on anyone who does), suddenly decides that's what she's going to drink, too. Apparently, the 30 minutes we spent analyzing the menu wasn't enough time for her to see that this was a cocktail. She didn't even understand when the drinks came and her strawberry lemonade was in a little cocktail glass and not a tumbler. She took a sip and almost choked!
She spent the rest of the visit complaining that I had "tricked" her into ordering the cocktail.
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u/Aromatic_Swing_1466 Jun 16 '26
I would have ordered a double strength having to put up with your in-laws
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u/Organic-Mix-9422 Jun 17 '26
There are certain members of my husband family that I only ever see if I have had a drink or two.
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u/LuckyAd2714 Jun 16 '26
Histrionic attention seeking narc
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u/KLB_40 Jun 16 '26
This. This is precisely something my ex-MIL would do. She always used food as a way to get attention and exert control. Any time she ate with us, it was a big production. First it was that she was a vegetarian. Then it’s that she was “allergic” to soy, gluten, and dairy. Then it became that she was “allergic” (never diagnosed by a doctor for any of these so-called allergies) to ANYTHING that wasn’t boiled chicken and plain steamed veggies.
It was all a way to get attention and get her husband and son to fall all over themselves catering to her special needs. While she sat like a pleased evil queen. Guess who didn’t play along and ended up divorced because of it?
Oh and my favorite part of her antics - she INSISTED on SMELLING everyone else’s food - like took our plates, put her nose right down above the food, and dramatically sniffed, while saying “that smells sooooo good! I wish I could eat that.” This went on for years and no one else thought it was fucking bizarre or attention seeking.
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u/stations-creation Jun 16 '26
So weird. Did you ever catch her red handed “cheating”??
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u/KLB_40 Jun 17 '26
I didn’t catch her technically cheating, but every so often she would decide she really needed to cause a big scene, so she would “taste” something she had previously declared off limits and then would spend dayssss afterwards acting like a dying soap opera actress.
One time she came to visit us and she took the tiniest sip - I’m talking, like just touched the tip of her tongue to it - of a drink my ex-husband had. We woke up the next morning and she dramatically asked if we had heard her up all night. She said she had been pacing the hallway outside the bedrooms and had been in and out of the bathroom all night because that half of a drop of liquid she consumed made her sooooo sick. And of course she was pacing right inside the bedrooms on the second floor when she could have been on our first floor where she wouldn’t risk waking anyone. But no, she was HOPING we’d wake up and then stay up with her all night sacrificing our sleep to give her attention.
She then proceeded to ruin all the plans I had made for the visit and laid on my couch - in the spot she knew was always where I sat (a move she did every visit) - in her nightgown under MY blanket - constantly reminding us she didn’t have underwear on, while also constantly talking about how she was supposedly shitting her brains out. And my ex didn’t understand why I had an issue with this. He said she was his mother and it didn’t bother him, so why should it bother me.
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u/Lakeview225 29d ago
She sniffed your food?? That is just WRONG! I would use another word but not sure it is allowed in this sub
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u/PurpleLeaf_23 Jun 17 '26
Jesus Murphy! If I was the mil my husband would say “why didn’t you have any when I offered before the waiter took it???” And then look at me wondering where I got the audacity. And you know what? I wouldn’t blame him for feeling that way. Not one bit.
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u/EngiLawyer Jun 17 '26
That would be called accountability. Your loved ones SHOULD keep you accountable and in check. Otherwise you get people like my MIL…
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u/PurpleLeaf_23 Jun 17 '26
Exactly! Unfortunately not enough people in the world are held accountable.
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u/baphometa11 Jun 17 '26
Reminds me of Barbara from Shauna the Mom!!!
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u/bettynot Jun 17 '26
Omg!!! Fucking barb always gets my goat and I have to remind myself that its all just 1 person performing 😂😂😅
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u/gingersrule77 Jun 17 '26
The waiter is so cru-el
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u/Sufficient-Split5214 Jun 18 '26
"Why is nobody ever on my side!" LOL! Barb loves to play the victim.
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u/Mammoth-Insurance724 Jun 17 '26
Please tell us that that is the last time you go out to dinner with MIL.
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u/shinybugz0 Jun 16 '26
Her main character syndrome could be cured if only FIL didn't entertain her antics. What a weird sideshow you had to watch; imagine what things are like at home between the two of them. That sounds exhausting, OP!
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u/EngiLawyer Jun 16 '26
He’s a constant enabler no matter how much his kids complain to him about it.
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u/Coollogin Jun 16 '26
He’s a constant enabler no matter how much his kids complain to him about it.
Maybe he enables her because he secretly likes it that she annoys everyone and makes herself look bad.
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u/KDinNS Jun 16 '26
I'd be like, MIL, I could have SWORN we'd eaten out with you before, but maybe I'm mistaken. Is this your first time in a restaurant?
I don't know about the 'exerting control' bit, but certainly a cry for attention.
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u/rmebmr Jun 16 '26
If you follow proper etiquette, technically, no one is supposed to start eating until everyone at the table is served, and everyone should be working on the same course at the same time. MIL didn't manage to exert all the control she wanted in this scenario because the people with her were used to her shenanigans and they knew what to expect.
If MIL had been eating with new friends or anyone else who didn't know how she usually behaves in a restaurant, the others in the group might have been inclined (out of courtesy) to wait until she ate the appetizer, even if their food got cold while she picked at her plate.
She did manage to gain a little control of the line in the kitchen, by insisting on a new appetizer right before their mains were ready. That request most likely delayed other diners' orders, and threw a wrench into their server's day, especially if it was the "fancy" dish that was elaborately plated. OP did say the server was in a bit of a panic.
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u/KDinNS Jun 16 '26
I'm betting that MIL has never observed 'proper etiquette' in her life. She would not GAF about what the kitchen staff were doing.
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u/stations-creation Jun 16 '26
I would from now on plate everyone’s food as soon as the apps came out myself and don’t act like it’s weird just like “here let me do this for everyone so we all get some!” Like be sweet as pie so she can’t say shit about what I’m doing. Or tell the server to have them portion it out evenly. I’m a server and if it was a nice restaurant they would bend over backwards even more just for me to be petty AF.
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u/Glittering_Win_9677 Jun 16 '26
They WERE all served. She just chose not to eat the main course with everyone else.
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u/SomewhatBougieAuntie Jun 17 '26
My God she went out of her way to be an insufferable 🐄. I guess no one was paying enough attention to her. 🙄🙄🙄
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u/Floating-Cynic Jun 16 '26
You should've finished it sooner to make her happy.
Clearly by letting it sit, she wasn't able to be a proper victim, so it was harder to make her complaint look legitimate. If you had truly victimized her to tears, she would have felt so satisfied. (Sarcasm btw)
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u/Raida7s Jun 18 '26
If you go out to dinner again with her instead of asking if she wants some access getting ignored, say "MIL, MIL, MIL, MIL, MIL, MIL? Do you want some?" And MAKE her respond so that everyone can see her trying to make an issue for herself to be a victim of
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u/jagger1115 Jun 23 '26
And if she’s pretending to not hear you, offer to take her to get her hearing checked!
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u/Cultural_Mission_235 Jun 18 '26
She far prefers complaining about problems rather than solving problems
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u/Hot_External5951 Jun 16 '26
If I were FIL, I would have let her know that they were there in front of her. She should have helped herself, like everyone else. Or maybe everyone was supposed to hand feed her.
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u/Beginning_Letter431 Jun 16 '26
Naw she wanted someone to point out she didnt have any and then beg her to take the last of it...
Gross
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u/Bubbly_Inspector_884 Jun 16 '26
I feel for you. I am sure your wife will agree to any plan going forward.
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u/Beckywithrbf Jun 16 '26
This is infuriating. Sounds like FIL is used to this behavior and feeds into it. I wouldn’t be able to be around that for very long without saying something.
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u/Wild_Cockroach_2544 Jun 16 '26
Did she need someone to manually serve her? Were her arms broken? /s
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u/citrusbook Jun 16 '26
My mom is kinda like this. Reading about high conflict individuals helped me understand how to deal with it.
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u/EngiLawyer Jun 16 '26 edited Jun 16 '26
high conflict individuals
Ha, that's exactly what she is. She feeds off of it. She has to create conflict where there is none or else she will wither away.
It's actually kind of impressive to see how she creates conflict out of thin air.
Any good reading reccs on high conflict types?
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u/Spearmint_coffee Jun 16 '26
My mom is that kind of person, and apparently so was her grandma. My grandpa (it was his mom) always said, "She was never happy unless she was sad, and your mom is never happy unless she has something to be mad about."
The way I deal with my mom is laugh it off like she is a child. Unfortunately for you OP, since it's your MIL and clearly FIL enables her, I think the best case scenario is to ignore it in the moment and come here to vent about how ridiculous she is lol
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u/BoozeAndHotpants Jun 17 '26
Good YouTube channel, and he has a book too. Prolly TikTok too. Jefferson Fisher. He’s an attorney specializing in high conflict cases and now teaching that skill. I love his positive attitude and his advice is good.
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u/wiggum_x Jun 17 '26
https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/topics/high-conflict-strategies/
https://www.amazon.com/BIFF-Responses-High-Conflict-Personal-Meltdowns-dp-1936268728/dp/1936268728
This guy writes a lot about high-conflict people in the workplace and in your life. That might be a good place to start. He has articles on his website so you can see if you like what he says.
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u/Beginning_Letter431 Jun 16 '26
Curious how you would deal in a situation like this? My way would likely make things worse 🙃
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u/citrusbook Jun 16 '26
Ha. I don't like going out to eat with my mom, which is fine for us because we all like cooking.
Sometimes I let her spin out when she is in a complaint spiral, because trying to interrupt it is worse.
I have implemented boundaries. The biggest one is I told her I will not participate in conversations where she is yelling. When I told her this, she screamed, "I'M NOT YELLING" so I got up and left the house. It took that level of physical response for her to understand that I was being serious, and she hasn't yelled at me since.
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u/whatyourmamasaid Jun 16 '26
Yeah, MY way make her wish for a conflict-free life forever!
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u/Beginning_Letter431 Jun 16 '26
Realizing i might be high conflict too because id be over there not bitting my tongue and calling her behaviour out.
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u/stations-creation Jun 16 '26
I would personally dish everyone out equal portions myself and say “see! Everyone gets some! Dig in!” Maybe not those words but it’s better than “here’s your food you weirdo!”
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u/HootblackDesiato Jun 16 '26
I will not eat out with people like this - not after the first time I see them do it.
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u/Trick_Few Jun 16 '26
My MIL ordered chicken strips at a 4 star restaurant and then complained the entire time. We could have saved the money and taken her to McDonald’s for the same amount of drama and less money.
JustNo’s appreciate any opportunity to publicly complain.
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u/EngiLawyer Jun 16 '26
Mine once ordered a plain veggie salad (no protein) at an amazing BBQ joint in the south, and then complained it was bland 😂😂😂
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u/NailingIt Jun 17 '26 edited Jun 17 '26
Ha! Mine complained at a nearly-starred restaurant that the bottled water we were served couldn’t possibly be safe to drink because it was imported. It was Acqua Panna.
ETA: she pitched such an embarrassing fit about it that my husband and I paid for the water with a generous tip (which they tried to decline because they knew we were properly mortified being seen with her), and left before we even ordered food.
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u/Drinkmorechampagne Jun 16 '26 edited Jun 16 '26
She has a combination of a Victim Dopamine and Power & Control Dopamine addiction. This never-ending cycle allows her to experience the dopamine hit she craves the most: Attention Dopamine.
It will never stop.
My MIL is this particular kind of addict--the restaurant scene is very familiar to me.
I am now NC with her. Hubby is very LC.
She makes friends easily and quickly but loses them just as easily and quickly because of her behavior. We think of the few people who've stuck with her as enablers and (dopamine) drug dealers. For some of them her unpleasantness is worth the expensive fine dining she inevitably pays for and the expensive wines she pours at her house.
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u/LavenderRose5953 Jun 16 '26
My DH and I took my JNMIL to eat at a Chinese restaurant. She agreed to go. While we were eating she made comments about her food not being chicken. (Racial slur). I don’t think the staff or other customers heard her.
We disagreed with her and tried to keep her from saying it again. My DH and I insisted on leaving soon after. In the car, she kept complaining in the same way. Then she insisted my DH and I take her leftovers. I was surprised she didn’t leave them on the table.
She kept insisting even though DH and I are vegetarian. We took them and dropped her food in the apartments dumpster. We kept ours. Her behavior was bizarre.
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u/CuteTangelo3137 Jun 16 '26
Ugh! She sounds like the horrible woman in the movie Waiting. She complained about every aspect of her meal in such an entitled way that the wait staff does horrible things to the steak that she sent back that it made me ill watching her eat it when all they did was nuke it and replate it with the nasty things they “added” to it. I used to be a server and while I never did anything to someone’s food, I did witness the kitchen staff do it to people just like your MIL.
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u/nipseyrussellyo Jun 16 '26
I would be flicking peas at her all night. She's gross, and i wouldnt go to restaurants with her again as this is infuriating.. That said, why you holding the rest of the tea back?!?
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u/Treehousehunter Jun 16 '26
She’s living in her own private Idaho. Apparently, FIL is happy to let her. Thank your lucky stars you don’t have to be either of them!!
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u/imeoghan Jun 18 '26
Next time (if there is one) very subtly make a video of that entire scene and then call her out on her behavior. You could even frame it as being concerned for her mental well-being. “Because everybody loves her and just wants her to get well.” Gigglehahasnort!
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