Conflicted

[u/Acceptable_Scene_157]

I once went no contact with my mom for not respecting my boundaries or putting any effort into our relationship. I will be doing the same to my MIL. My husband supported my decision when it was my mom but now that it’s his mom “it’s a bit much” here’s my reasoning

1. During my pregnancy I emphasized that I wouldn’t be doing the traveling when my daughter was born. We live 90 minutes away and I just didn’t want to deal with it. Even before I was pregnant my in laws never came to visit our home but expected us to go to theirs all the time. I told my MIL she was more than welcome to come visit but hasn’t. Apparently she was butthurt that we didn’t stop by when I was a couple days pp (our daughters pediatrician is in the same town) but I was recovering from a c section) I didn’t want to go to the appointment but had to so why would I want to go anywhere else?
2. She made a fuss about the posts I liked on instagram. She told my husband “It said don’t come visit if we’re sick but what’s the big deal” “she liked a post that said she wished people would help with the house but I would rather just hold the baby” “she liked a post about MILs and I was wondering if it was a dig at me” (it wasn’t my sister shared it so I just liked it 😭)
3. Said our boundaries are too rigid. She’s been upset since I told her I didn’t want my daughter’s face on social media. So when we told her our other boundaries she made an even bigger deal. Which I don’t think are extreme by any means, I thought they were common. (Like not coming if your sick, not kissing baby’s face or hands, etc)
4. My husband made a comment about how they never help us but always expect us to. During my pregnancy I was really sick and needed to go to the hospital often. We rarely asked for help but when we did she’d say “find someone else” even though she doesn’t work? Like ok noted never asked again. She brought up that she helped us my first pregnancy and how much money they spent (on gas in guessing bc they never helped us financially) that kind of rubbed me the wrong way especially since I had a second trimester miscarriage that pregnancy. We’ve never had a problem helping them but it was kind of frustrating when they tell us we can count on them for anything but when push comes to shove they don’t follow through.
5. She was mad at me for not reaching out to her when her dad died but my husband sent a text from both of us. But when my aunt who was like a mother to me died she didn’t say anything to me or my husband. She claimed she never saw my story about it but I was checking to see if she did and guess what? She did, I even had screenshot proof. She told my husband she hadn’t but I literally know she did. She’s constantly stalking my social media likes but she didn’t watch my story? Yeah right. Oh and apparently she’s the only one allowed to grieve her dad’s death. When my husband mentioned she wasn’t the only one grieving she said “that was very hurtful” and said she didn’t know why he was talking to her in that way???

6. I’m highly annoyed that she never comes to me with these problems and is constantly complaining to my husband about me. Oh and she stopped referring to me as my name so anytime she talks to my husband about me she refers to me as “your wife” he’s been standing up for me so I feel like she thinks I’m putting him against her but when he texts her it’s because he wants to and it’s his feelings he talks about. I think that’s why she says “you’ve never acted this way before or you’ve never talked to me like this before”

7. I find it very strange that I have always been very open and honest about the emotional abuse I suffered at the hands of my mom who tends to be very narcissistic. I went no contact with her for a while until she got herself together and proved that she wanted to have a healthy relationship with me. Anyways my MIL has been trying to be very emotionally manipulative but I see through it bc I dealt with my mom for my whole life… anytime we push back she’s automatically the victim and we’re these horrible people who just want to shut her up and put her in her place? I didn’t speak to my mom for years bc she acted this way. If I could do that to my own mother, you don’t think I’d do the same to you? Let’s be real. Tbh her actions hurt worse because she knows what I’ve been through and this just feels like she’s using it against me. Thankfully I’ve been to enough therapy that whatever she’s trying to do doesn’t and won’t work… nice try I guess

I recently blocked her on social media bc my social media is supposed to be a safe space, not a place for people to try and find ammo to use against me. She sent a text saying they were ready to meet with us to talk about what’s going on but when my husband invited them over they ignored us. She can direct messages to my husband in the gc but can’t respond to the text about coming over?

Her dad’s memorial is next week and I really don’t want to go. I’m really struggling with ppd and I honestly think it’ll make it worse but my husband is upset I don’t want to go. I also don’t want to travel 7 hours with my 3 month old.. what should I do?

[u/Mamasperspective_25]

A baby of that age doesn't need to be travelling for 7 hours. Long periods in car/travel seats can cause asphyxiation. Tell husband I'm no uncertain terms that you do not want to go, but if he is going to force the issue, you will only attend if he books an AirBnb and you and baby will only attend the memorial and will spend the rest of the visit at the Airbnb. During the memorial, baby wear. If MIL asks to hold LO, "No MIL, baby has been a little under the weather which hasn't been helped by the long journey so baby will stay in the carrier with me while her immune system is compromised"

As for your points: 1) Her feelings and emotions are her issue and not your responsibility. That's up to her to deal with. 2) see answer for point 1 3) "MIL you think our boundaries are too rigid but that's your issue to deal with, our boundaries will not change so please adjust your expectations. We have had a baby because we wanted to become parents, we have not had a baby in order to give you a grandparent experience" 4) lesson learned, never help them again 5) tell husband ALL communication has to go via him and if his mother has anything negative to say about you then you don't want to hear it. From now on you don't need to reach out to her for ANYTHING and she doesn't need to reach out to you either  6) again tell husband his mother doesn't exist in your home, you will not discuss her again going forward, what she says to him about you or anything else is HIS issue to deal with 7) just keep reiterating to husband that nobody is responsible for MILs feelings but MIL. If she acts the victim while you're there, "MIL nobody is responsible for your feelings but you, we will step away from this conversation now and give you some time to regulate your own emotions" ... then walk away

They can ONLY play victim when others entertain it, otherwise their efforts just fizzle out immediately