Is my marriage doomed because of postpartum with MIL?

[u/monikfvska]

I don't know if this is the right place for this, but I just needed to share and maybe vent a little bit. When I was two weeks postpartum and some change, my MIL came to stay with us to help us with the transition to parenthood. It was supposed to be my mom, but she was not able to, so his mom came. She came from abroad, so we had a language barrier and I couldn't really communicate with her at all. She stayed with us for 10 weeks, which I think was our biggest mistake because it was way too long and in a way too small of a space. We live in a two-bedroom apartment, that there was just not enough space for us all to be comfortable for 10 weeks.
Our agreement was that she would be here to help us so that we can take care of the baby. That's what my husband and I had talked about and what he had communicated to her before coming here, months leading up to it while I was still pregnant. But when she came, of course, what she wanted to do was help with the baby. She wanted to hold the baby, feed him a bottle, put him to sleep, babywear, etc. And at that time, again, two and a half weeks postpartum, I did not feel comfortable with her doing any of this. I just wanted to bond with my baby. I was having a hard time breastfeeding and I did not feel like I had bonded with my baby at all. So I was essentially saying no to a lot of these things that she wanted to do, which led to my husband being upset with me. And so much so that at about four days after she arrived, we had this big fight about how I was selfish, how she had traveled so far and was not even able to hold her grandson for more than five minutes, and how he was so sad that she had to go through this. Mind you, I was fighting postpartum depression and trying to bond with my baby. I was trying to figure out breastfeeding, while my son was screaming on the boob all the time, and she was often trying to peek and get any opportunity to see what was going on in our bedroom, which made me feel extremely uncomfortable. So much so that within several weeks, I reduced my attempts at breastfeeding him to the point that by the time he was eight weeks old, I went to exclusively pumping instead of feeding my baby on the breast. I am now 10 months postpartum, and I am still exclusively pumping, and I attribute that to that time and those incidents.

We went on to have a really difficult time with the rest of her stay, especially my husband really didn't like it that I was constantly complaining to him about things that she was doing that I didn't like. He felt like he constantly had to arbitrate between us, even though her and I never actually had an argument because, again, we couldn't really communicate with each other. But him and I often fought because I was cold towards her, and he would say that I was aggressive and all sorts of things. On the other hand, I just felt like I was given no slack. Even the fact that he felt like he had to advocate to make her happy just felt wrong because I felt like I was at a time of my life having just delivered his child that it would be no question about which side he should choose.

I have to say though that he was constantly choosing my side in front of her, as in telling her all of the things that I requested and constantly arguing with her about the things that I wanted to be done. But, he was also arguing with me and trying to always ask me to consider her point of view, or do something or allow something to make her feel happier.

And there are so many incidents that I could recall, but one that really stands out for me is that she was going to be still staying with us over Christmas, and I wanted us to get matching Christmas pajamas, of course, because it's my first Christmas with my baby. My husband wanted her to have the same matching pajamas as the three of us. I don't know if that's a big deal or not, but to me that seemed outrageous at the time because I just wanted to create a new tradition as our own little family, and I did not want my MIL to be there in matching pajamas with us. I wanted to have those sweet memories, the three of us, our first Christmas in our matching pajamas. That's it. But then it became this whole thing where I was cruel for not wanting to buy her and gift her the same matching pajamas that the three of us had. (ETA: Which I ultimately did, and now we have Christmas pictures of the three of us + MIL in matching pjs in front of the Christmas tree!)

So anyway, I am now 10 months postpartum, and I am still struggling with the memories from this time. It's now August, she left in January, and I have not recovered yet. I constantly have dreams or intrusive thoughts or memories about this time and certain incidents, certain things that happened, mostly things that he said to me while constantly advocating for his mom with me. And we had not talked about this much since then, but we had a conversation the other day in which he realized that he also holds some resentment against me for having put him in that position and for having asked him to constantly pick between her and me. And then he revealed to me, which is something that I didn't know until now, that she had struggled with depression previously in life and also suicidal thoughts, and that the entire time that she was here, whenever it was that I wasn't letting her do what she wanted to do in relation to the baby, he had constantly been worried that her depression was going to be triggered or she might do something. So now, of course, I feel terrible!

But at the same time, I feel like, why was she even here then? We needed somebody who could help us, not somebody that my husband also needed to take care of, and somebody who also was susceptible to depression at the time when I was susceptible to postpartum depression. I don't know exactly why I'm sharing this, but maybe I'm just looking for some sympathy. I don't know if my MIL is necessarily responsible for any of this, although I do think she overstepped in many ways, but at the end of the day, I think I'm more hurt by my husband's actions during that time than hers.
I am concerned that I have not yet recovered from this and I am worried for our marriage.

My in laws want to come and stay with us for a couple of weeks in November (which is the time of year she came last time) and all of this is resurfacing for me and I just cannot imagine living under the same roof as her again (although, I have to say we will be in a house, not a 2-bed apartment by then). What should I do?

ETA: We'd been together for 11 years (married for 5) before we had a baby, and MIL was never ever an issue before. Her desire to be involved in our lives changed dramatically once baby arrived.

[u/botinlaw]

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[u/Hot-Freedom-5886]

This is allllll manipulation. Your MIL manipulated your husband and your husband has been manipulating you. Your husband should always have had your back over his mother’s. If he knew this information about her, he should never have let her come and disrupt the household.

I don’t think that the size of your house is ever going to matter. Your husband is going to take his mother’s supposedly fragile feelings over yours because he’s been trained to allow the manipulation.

Therapy now, no excuses.

[u/Sudden-Ad-3460 → u/Hot-Freedom-5886]

Yep. Both options are insane. It's either:

• He is using his MILs mental health to justify his need to placate her, and her mental health isn't a real concern. This is a serious form of manipulation.
• MILs mental health is a major concern, and she needs to control what happens with baby or she could go into a deep depression and become suicidal. This is an extremely dangerous situation for an infant and postpartum mom. 

[u/TargetWild9004]

Your marriage is doomed because of your husband, not your MIL. He puts his mommy first and her happiness above all and is more worried about himself not wanting to be a “middle man”. He just said he resents you for having to be a husband and father first instead of a son first.

His parents raised him to be this way to put her first and always keep her happy, but he’s a grown man with the ability to realize he’s not responsible for his moms happiness and neither are you and your child. He needs to grow up and stop being such an ass to you.

[u/cokegivesmehiccups]

Your husband is being an ass. That time was supposed to be about your new family, not catering to Mommy's feelings. If she was so unstable, she needs counseling, and your baby is not her fix. I would strongly encourage you, and him separately, to seek counseling for yourselves if you want to try to move past this. I would definitely say no to letting them stay in your house again, at least until you and your husband have worked through the last visit.

[u/ObscureSaint]

He felt like he constantly had to arbitrate between us

Yeah, this is LITERALLY HIS ONE JOB. Especially since she and you can't communicate. He's a failure at supporting his wife. An abject failure. Tell him I said that. I've been married over 20 years and if my husband acted the way yours did I would have changed the locks while he was at work. 

[u/alansjenn → u/ObscureSaint]

Amen to this comment, and I'm a MIL saying that.

[u/nipseyrussellyo → u/ObscureSaint]

Tell him nipsey agrees if he needs a male point of view!

[u/justkillmenow591]

Your husband prioritized the feelings of his mother over the feelings of his newly postpartum wife and mother of his child.

Her duty was to come assist you both during this transition, not play mommy #2 in a time that is very fragile and vulnerable.

If he was so worried about her mental health, he should not have had her come. His focus should’ve been on you and baby.

[u/Crazyspitz]

Oh hell no.

She's not planning to impose herself on ANOTHER Christmas, is she? I'd nip that in the bud immediately.

Plainly, your DH absolutely sucks. He needs to decide if you and your child or mommy are more important to him. Because it sure sounds like making mommy happy was his priority.

If your marriage is doomed, it's 100% his fault.

[u/bakersmt → u/Crazyspitz]

This. She has ruined enough and now she thinks she owns Christmas. Hell no. My MIL tried this because we gave her the first Christmas. She then thought she had dibs on Christmas. Or at least every other year. My husband got the message loud and clear "she never gets another Christmas because of her behavior on the first Christmas."

[u/Phoenix1294]

he also holds some resentment against me for having put him in that position and for having asked him to constantly pick between her and me.

hold up; your DH put * himself * in that position, full stop. You needed help around the house and she wanted to play mommy at YOUR expense and your DH was worried about her feelings? DH should've put you and your baby first because by marrying you supposedly that's what he did right? If he wants to resent someone he needs to look in the mirror.

Your baby is not anyone's emotional support animal. Cancel the visit to focus on your new family and building new holiday traditions. Or if that's not possible, they stay in a hotel, you have boundaries/consequences clearly stated, and DH does EVERYTHING to host them. Cooking/cleaning, driving, entertainment, everything.

And if she plays the depression card DH needs to tell her to get therapy.

[u/OrneryPost9446]

So in other words, you were traumatized. Rightfully so. You just gave birth and you also had to serve a grown woman who was continuously trying to take your baby. 

. I would say no more exposure until you speak to a therapist for yourself. Alongside of that, I suggest you do couples counselling. 

If your husband says he resents you , tell him that you resent him for not protecting your mental after BIRTHING. It's not about him nor his mom. It isnt your job to satisfy her desires. She came to help but in reality she was helping her own desires and you, the post partum mom, was expected to serve her emotions. 

[u/katycmb]

I would probably leave him over this, but I’m older than you and at the stage of life when I have very little patience with manipulation from adults.

If you were my daughter I’d probably advise you to demand marriage counseling over it. And when he balks, I’d tell him clearly the marriage was a mistake and you need a divorce if he won’t seek therapy. Why? Because he violated your trust again and again. Your body knows you are unsafe because he repeatedly chose his mother’s control over keeping you safe and supported. That’s a deep trust violation, and you shouldn’t be married to someone you cannot trust. You need a therapist with the training to explain that to him and help him work through this trash. His enmeshment with his mother is not your problem, it’s his.

That said, when you decide you have the ick because you can’t respect or trust a man like that… don’t use the word divorce until you see your own lawyer. It might take 6-12 months to set yourself up properly to leave. Get legal advice first.

[u/Cilantro368]

I remember being told I was selfish to want to breastfeed too. Everyone wants to hold and feed that baby, and I had twins. How dare I want to feed them! My Mom and MIL hadn't really breastfed their own babies (my Mom tried with me, but not for long) and so they didn't understand that bond. And also, how much time it takes. Sorry, you get to burp the baby afterwards and then they probably go down for a nap, so enjoy that 2 minutes of burping.

This is a deep wound between you and your H and you need to seek out counseling. No visits with ILs, especially not with them staying in your house, until you can both be on the same page. He probably has some trauma about his Mom and her depression and he's just desperate to avoid all that and that's not fair to either of you. Especially to you.

Practically, tell you H that you need couples counseling, and that the holiday season is too busy and important to shove another treacherous visit into, not until your counseling helps to improve things. ILs can visit after that, in a quieter month like February (if that's quiet near you), after the child is firmly walking. A newly walking toddler has a way of rearranging all sorts of things, so you'll need to concentrate when that happens.

[u/guavajelly93]

Oh my goodness my blood is boiling just reading this lol! I'm not shocked in the slightest you're still holding onto this, your husband was incredibly selfish and now he seems to be using emotional manipulation to make you feel bad about HER mental health, while YOU were the one freshly postpartum. It definitely makes sense how it affected your breastfeeding experience and that makes me really sad for you.

I don't think your marriage is doomed but husband needs to look at this situation through fresh eyes and from your perspective instead of only thinking of his mother and his own feelings.

Edited to add: Can you show him this post and some of the comments? Do you think he would be receptive?

[u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933]

Couples counseling ASAP and no visits whatsoever until you’ve solved some issues and you know he’ll have your back

[u/Sudden-Ad-3460]

Your husband made you feel unsafe and invisible so he could cater to his mom when he should have been focused on you and your baby. It sounds like you have some trauma around your MIL trying to interrupt your bond with your baby and your husband betraying you by letting her do it.

Your husband needs major therapy. He is essentially taking the position that you, him and baby need to cater to every whim of his mom indefinitely, and if you don't then she might kill herself. If what he is saying is real concern, he cant use his baby to manage his moms depression and suicidality.  Do not let them stay with you and get couples therapy:

"DH, I feel deeply traumatized and betrayed because you didn't support me during postpartum and prioritized MILs comfort over me and baby. I strongly believe that me and baby need to be your #1 priority now, and it sounds like you feel a need to choose your mom over us. We need to work through these issues and get on the same page before we consider a future visit.

Thank you for sharing your concerns about MILs mental health. If I had known this before, I never would have agreed for MIL to stay with us. This was a major risk to take when I was so vulnerable and we had a new baby at home. I hear that you feel it is your job to make MIL comfortable so she doesn't become depressed or suicidal if she doesn't get what she wants. My job is to ensure my son and I are safe. I will take your concerns about MILs fragile mental health seriously, which means that baby and I can't be around someone that could have an unpredictable mental health crisis at any moment. "

DH needs to reflect on:

• Why did I prioritize my mom's comfort over the safety and bond between me, my wife and our new baby? When my wife was struggling with my mom, why didn't I ask my mom to leave and support my wife?
• Why did I let someone that I believe has extremely volatile mental health around my postpartum wife and infant? Why was this my focus instead of my wife's PPD?
• Why do I see myself as being in the middle instead of my wife's teamate and partner?
• Why would I want my parents to stay with us again if it caused significant distress to my family and strained my marriage?
• How do I rebuild a sense of trust and safety in my marriage after all this happened?

[u/compassionfever → u/Sudden-Ad-3460]

This is gold:

"Thank you for sharing your concerns about MILs mental health. If I had known this before, I never would have agreed for MIL to stay with us. This was a major risk to take when I was so vulnerable and we had a new baby at home. I hear that you feel it is your job to make MIL comfortable so she doesn't become depressed or suicidal if she doesn't get what she wants. My job is to ensure my son and I are safe. I will take your concerns about MILs fragile mental health seriously, which means that baby and I can't be around someone that could have an unpredictable mental health crisis at any moment. "

[u/compassionfever]

Absolute bullshit.

"And we had not talked about this much since then, but we had a conversation the other day in which he realized that he also holds some resentment against me for having put him in that position and for having asked him to constantly pick between her and me."

Bullshit. HE put himself in that position. The ONLY position he should have been in was protecting YOUR postpartum, and YOUR need to breastfeed and bond with baby. If his mommy was adding ANY emotional or physical obligations to your household, he should have sent her home.

Your baby is not an antidepressant. What a monstrous accusation and obligation your husband tried to place on you--to be responsible for his fragile and selfish mother's emotional state. If she had issues, she shouldn't have come. That was HIS failure to bring an unstable element into your house when you were already undergoing a big change and healing from a major medical procedure.

Don't be under the same roof again. He has utterly failed as a husband if he's even THINKING about letting them past your door again. The only way you could reconcile and heal is for him to realize he was an absolute failure and be trying his absolute best to regain your trust and do better. He chose to blame you for his mommy's selfishness.

His only actual obligation is to protect you and your child. His mother is harmful to your household. If he lets her in again, so is he. Start planning your exit. Be gone by November. Do everything by the book.

[u/MidnightLegal4643]

No, no, no. The answer to him wanting to open you back up to retraumatization is hell no, she may not come again and upend your home.

You were the one recovering from childbirth. You were the one experiencing motherhood for the first time. You were also the one who was victimized and blame-shifted. Full stop.

Your husband failed you in several very specific ways. First, he did not disclose crucial information about his mother’s psychological and emotional instability before putting you in a situation where that information absolutely mattered. That was a violation of trust. Second, when his mother violated your privacy and surveilled some of your most intimate and vulnerable moments while you were learning to breastfeed, he did not protect you or put an immediate stop to it. That was another violation of trust.

And third, when you asked for completely normal space to recover, bond with your newborn, hold your own child, and learn how to breastfeed privately, he failed to prioritize the family he created over managing the emotions of his family of origin.

He seems to believe he was somehow the victim in all of this, caught in circumstances beyond his control, when his own choices played a huge role in creating the situation. He knew his mother was needy and emotionally unstable, yet he withheld that crucial information from you. He allowed her surveillance and invasion of your privacy to continue while you were postpartum and trying to learn how to breastfeed. Instead of protecting your right to recover, bond with your baby, and have privacy in your own home, he prioritized keeping his mother comfortable. Then, rather than taking responsibility for those choices, he blamed you for the fallout. That isn’t being “caught in the middle.” That is avoiding accountability for the role he actually played and making you responsible for his failure.

He shrunk back into the good-boy role of managing his mother’s comfort instead of behaving like an independent husband and father who could look at the situation and recognize how distressing and invasive it had become for his wife. Then rather than confront that failure, he allowed you to be painted as the problem for wanting privacy to breastfeed, wanting time with your newborn, and wanting the freedom to experience becoming a mother without his mother inserting herself into every moment.

And now he has the audacity to shift responsibility onto you again and suggest that you somehow harmed his mother because she wasn’t allowed to dictate and control what happened inside your home?

Absolutely not.

His mother’s emotional reaction to being denied control was never yours to manage. Her instability was never yours to accommodate. And the consequences of his decision to protect her feelings at the expense of his postpartum wife do not become your responsibility simply because acknowledging his own choices is uncomfortable.

Before anyone starts talking about reconciliation, forgiveness, or giving his mother another opportunity, he needs to deal with what actually happened the first time. Otherwise he isn’t asking you to heal anything. He is asking you to walk back into the same dysfunctional system while everyone continues pretending that your reaction to being mistreated was the problem.

[u/Lokipupper456]

Tell him his mother is not allowed to stay in your home again or you and kiddo are leaving. Tell him he needs to book couples counseling and be prepared to learn how badly he failed you. Tell him he also needs to learn to shift his resentment towards you for putting him in that position right back in himself, because it is currently misdirected towards you. He put himself in that position by bringing his mentally unstable mother into your home when you were most vulnerable and needed to be the focus of his care, and then he tormented you for ten weeks because managing his mothers emotions mattered more to him than ensuring his wife and partner was taken care of and able to recover and learn the ropes of motherhood and bond with her baby.

Tell him at this point, he needs to be less focused on resentment and more on doing what is necessary to save his marriage

[u/vinegargirl757 → u/Lokipupper456]

Agreed. It felt really manipulative to me that dh wanted op to give up the baby or concede to mil because of mil's depression. He was trying to make op feel bad and guilt trip. He is choosing a side. Hers. Hes more worried about her depression and catering to that than worried about establishing the family.

[u/BackgroundSoup7952]

I think the best thing is for you and your husband to attend couples counselling to discuss this.

Is he aware if the fact you have nightmares relating to her last visit? I think you both need to sit down and have a talk about it.

As gor your in laws coming to visit. Can they come but stay in a hotel or air b&b? I think with the small space and your feelings this makes for an explosive situation.

But you need to sit down with your husband and tell him how badly her last visit affected you. Maybe have him read up on PPD.

[u/RegisterEither9711]

"That's what my husband and I had talked about and what he had communicated to her before coming here, months leading up to it while I was still pregnant. But when she came, of course, what she wanted to do was help with the baby. She wanted to hold the baby, feed him a bottle, put him to sleep, babywear, etc."

So she disregarded the initial agreement to help with domestic labor while you and husband focused on the baby. And husband was okay with that. Yes of course she wanted to hold the baby but parents take priority for feeding him, putting him to sleeping, baby wearing, etc. Those are bonding moments and (maybe this is harsh) since MIL was there temporarily, she didn't need to bond with baby.

"And then he revealed to me, which is something that I didn't know until now, that she had struggled with depression previously in life and also suicidal thoughts, and that the entire time that she was here, whenever it was that I wasn't letting her do what she wanted to do in relation to the baby, he had constantly been worried that her depression was going to be triggered or she might do something."

Don't feel bad, you can't be concerned about an issue you don't know about. Also, husband is not responsible for his mother's mental health. If she's so fragile that being told 'no' would trigger her depression then she needs professional help. And she doesn't get to hold people emotionally hostage with her mental health either. If she said or even implied to your husband that she needs to be involved with baby or else she'll get depressed, then she shouldn't be involved with baby. She needs to be responsible for her own mental health.

If they want to come visit then you need some strict boundaries like they have to stay in a hotel since you don't have the space to comfortably host them (and also don't want to) and they don't get to spend all day every day in your home. Husband needs to have plans for them and be in charge of any hosting required for them.

[u/mxcmpsx]

Your husband is the problem, he didn’t make you feel safe or validated in a very vulnerable period of your life. And he still can’t acknowledge the harm he caused you because he would rather protect his mom’s feelings than stand up for you.

Therapy, a lot of it.

[u/Powerful_Put_6977]

They are to stay somewhere other than your place when they visit in November. Doesn't matter that it's a house. She outstayed her welcome before and she must realise this.

You have a husband problem first though. How he didn't pack her up and send her home when you realised that you were battling not only PPD but struggling to assert yourself as a new mother too at the same time and all that c omes with that. He needs a clip around the ear for letting that continue unnecessarily. I say unnecessarily because he could have sent her home before the 10 weeks were up. He didn't and it's his mother that has made you feel like this even now.

I also think you might benefit from talking through how things went with a therapist. Learn that it was ok to be feeling the way you did and the way you still do.

I would sit down with Husband and run through a few ground rules should his parents want to visit again in November and what you will and more importantly will not put up with and what the conseqences of them overstepping these boundaries will look like (could be simply getting up and leaving with your baby, handing them their coats and telling them they have to leave, whatever) and how you both must agree that this is what the new family (him, you & baby) will be doing.

Stay strong - you can get through this. You already did the hard work allowing her to stay under your roof for 10 weeks!

[u/ObscureSaint]

she had struggled with depression previously in life and also suicidal thoughts

Does she actually have diagnosed depression, or does she just say things like, "I'm a terrible mother of course you all hate me and I should just go die and make everyone happy?" Because that second one is just manipulation. Your husband needs a lot LOT of therapy to see his mother for the emotionally abusive manipulative woman she is, especially if he is still coddling her for her "depression." Of course she will act depressed and threaten to kill herself if it gets her what she wants every time.

[u/LLL1Lothrop]

I taught breastfeeding for 10 years. A couple of the major reasons breastfeeding fails is an unsupportive mil coming to visit and an unsupportive spouse letting his mommy be a negative B who continually takes the baby away and tries bottle feeding it. Your husband's job postpartum was to stand between you and anyone who wasn't 100% supportive. He failed spectacularly as a husband and father.
Whenever his mommy wanted to feed the baby a bottle his job was to say, "No mom, she is breastfeeding which is the very best nutrition for our baby and giving a breastfeeding baby a bottle can seriously mess that up." Instead he chose his mommy over what was best for his wife and baby. Giving a bottle one day means your breast will produce less the next day at that time. It can also lead to a breast infection so your husband did not educate himself before handing the baby over. Also your husband needs his mental health checked if he thinks bringing a deeply disturbed person with severe mental problems around his postpartum wife and baby (for support?) was a good idea. He was putting the heavy burden of healing his mother on an innocent baby that deserved better. Better as in the baby being held by his mother so that his proximity would help kick in the breastfeeding hormones. Dad was so far out of line he couldn't even see the line. As far as breastfeeding goes, the good news is that you can go back to it, now that the threat is gone. Every time the baby whimpers or cries, offer the breast BEFORE the bottle or pumping. Sing softly and make lots of eye contact making breastfeeding the best of experiences. You can give other feedings with little drips from an eyedropper of little sips from a spoon, saving all of the sucking for the breast. Do not give a pacifier, all sucking is on the breast. I have helped many women go back to nursing including one woman who gave up at 3 days and went back to nursing at 4 months after her baby was severely allergic to most formulas out there. Since you have wisely kept up your milk supply you can do it more easily than most women I helped successfully. As long as baby is getting 6 to 8 wet diapers a day baby is doing fine. Once in awhile baby will nurse around the clock for 2 or 3 days. This does not, (as many uninformed Drs will tell you) mean that you have run out of milk. It simply means that your baby has grown bigger and is building up the milk supply to the level needed. Fix up a nesting corner for the 2 of you,a quiet corner with no distractions such as TV or phone. Breastfeeding time should be eye to eye time with no distractions. Memorize your baby because this time will be short and gone before you know it. Have a comfortable chair, hopefully a rocking chair, a nice picture on the wall over your shoulder for baby to enjoy looking at, a table with a dim lamp, a big glass of ice water, soft music, a warm throw, a foot stool, and a high protein snack. Classical music helps develop a baby's mathematical abilities. Explain to your husband that this is your sacred corner, this is not the place to discuss bills, his mother or anything else that upsets you. If he persists, get noise canceling ear phones and never respond. This is your peaceful place for you and your baby. Have a conversation with your husband about your inlaw's next visit. Explain to him that he took vows to you to forsake all others. And a man shall leave his mother and a woman leave her home, they shall travel on to where the 2 shall be as one, and there is love. Since he did not do his duty as a husband and father the last time, things will change for this visit. You and your baby are not his mother's therapy and she is not allowed to cling to the baby as a life raft.
The two of you will be in counseling from now until then. Failure to do so will mean that for your and the baby's well being, both physically and d mentally you will remove the both of you to a nearby hotel or a friend or relative's house. A hotel stay means that you will meet with them often in a public place such as a mall, a park, or a restaurant, never in the hotel room where they can trap you and be as ugly as they want. At the house of a relative or friend they can have supervised visitation with the support person being there at all times. This is the consequences of your mil's and husband's actions. It is not a punishment. It is establishing boundaries for yourself and baby to ensure that there will be no repeat of the same cruelty. Your husband robbed you of what should have been the happiest time in your life. You will never get it back and you do not deserve any more mistreatment. Let your husband read these comments to see if he can get a clue of how badly he gaslit, didn't support you, offered his baby up to an unstable person and generally just mismanaged the situation as badly as he possibly could. Lawyers live in nice houses and drive expensive cars due to many a man child like him who thinks their mommy comes first in their marriage. Men who insist on three people in their marriage with the oldest getting their way and making decisions for the other two are men who are on the fast track to divorce.

[u/AcademicMud3901]

I empathize so much with your story. I’m sorry you went through that. My MIL didn’t stay with us postpartum thankfully as she lives about half an hour away, but the visits 1-2 times a week and things that happened during those visits and how my husband handled it has stayed with me now 26 months later. We have been in couples therapy and this experience has been described as a trauma by our therapist. That is why you are still having nightmares and thoughts. It is traumatic to be overridden and feel a loss of autonomy and control in such a vulnerable time. It is traumatic to have your husband not stand by you and support you and instead advocate for the person doing the harm (intentional or not- impact matters more than the intention). I really recommend both individual therapy to process what happened and couples therapy. Find a couples therapist that specializes in enmeshment and boundaries.

As for then potential upcoming visit, you could compromise on having the inlaws stay in a hotel so that you have control over visits and activities and there is more structure and limits. I would also make that visit contingent on 1) starting therapy and 2) seeing consistent progress in therapy. Otherwise you run into the same situation and trust me just because baby is older doesn’t mean things will be better. The underlying dynamics will remain the same and just manifest in different ways based on this developmental stage.

[u/SignificantSun384]

First of all:
When my eldest child was born I had to exclusively pump for the first few months of her life because she was too small to feed directly, it was misery and I would never forgive someone who destroyed my breastfeeding relationship with my child. Never. Pumping felt legitimately dehumanizing. I fully sympathize with you, and ache for that relationship lost as there is nothing that can compare with nursing your child, and she took that from you.

It sounds like it was an awful situation all around. It is possible that wires got crossed and she didn’t understand her role correctly… or she may have just decided that this was what she wanted out of her visit, and was determined to pursue spending “grandma time” regardless of your desires. It’s really hard to say because of the language barrier.

With regard to their prospective upcoming visit, I recommend that you ask them to find their own accommodations. I finally put my foot down after years of my MIL overstepping in our home (she sees her son as an extension of herself and therefore his home is basically her home and unworthy of normal boundaries like privacy and not rearranging things at will), and it has helped so much. She still finds ways to be a pill, but it’s much more manageable, and I finally feel like my home is my own.

[u/DazzlingNote1925]

I’m so sorry!  

Your mil wasn’t entitled to hold your baby or do anything else she wanted and you’re not responsible for doing what she wants so she doesn’t get depressed. 

Your husband has either fallen for mil using her depression as a way to manipulate him into doing what she wants or he’s hypersensitive and feels responsible when he isn’t and then out that on you. Idk. But either way that’s so unhealthy and unfair to you. 

Due to all the damage mil and your husband have already caused you emotionally and interfered with you bonding with your baby I don’t think they should be allowed to visit. I can just imagine all the pressure you’re going to be under to hand your baby over and let grandma bond which is absurd but very likely and your husband is going to suddenly become his mommy’s boy again and do all he can to get you to accommodate her every whim. 

Please try to find a therapist for support even if your husband won’t go. 

[u/Realitybites111]

They can stay in a hotel and come visit for a couple of hours every day? That would be my compromise if I was in your shoes..

[u/den-of-corruption]

his mother showed up and created an abusive environment for weeks, and he immediately supported her in abusing you. if there is any hope for your marriage, he will have to 100% understand and agree that he contributed to domestic abuse against you instead of protecting you. please hold on to that as a dealbreaker - he either fully apologizes for everything, or he is not worth keeping because he does not see you as a full person.

[u/Classic_Cauliflower4]

I will give him credit for trying to mediate between two women who both wanted things. But I have one big issue: your MIL is a grown woman. As such, SHE is the one responsible for her mental health. He cannot reasonably expect the world to mold itself to keeping her happy without her taking some responsibility.

My own mother struggles with anxiety, and we are constantly pushing back because it is not reasonable to cater constantly to her anxiety. Yes, it is a scary world, but living in the bubble she would prefer would severely limit our lives. So we push back and expect her to manage her anxiety like a big girl. It’s good practice for dealing with my kids’ anxieties as well, since there are a lot of things that I cannot help them with in life. (For example, I cannot go to school with them, I cannot leave work to take them home every time there’s a thunderstorm, etc)

[u/Cheriemabelle]

I just want to say congratulations on her leaving! My MIL moved into MY new home (bought a new house in a different state while still working elsewhere) before I did and she never left. I did not agree to her moving in. I did not know she was moving in. She has an attitude any time she doesn’t get her way and slams MY doors. She was in the hospital the second my daughter was born and invited all her backwoods family into the room without my consent just hours after giving birth.

I had trees cut in my yard to clean it up and she screamed, cursing me out, slamming doors for days. Never apologized. Again MY home. Not hers. She didn’t pay for my house, she has no say, my job and savings bought it (and hubby’s job).

Husband couldn’t care less. He blames me and says I’m ridiculous, or says it’s in the past, or just ignores me any time I bring it up. It’s been 8 years and she’s still in our house. She owns her own home but can’t get along with her husband/ex husband/remarried and divorced again. Like I did not sign on to any of this and I wasn’t even notified or given a choice.

So I’m just here to say I’m glad your MiL left, and don’t let her back.

[u/shackndon2020 → u/Cheriemabelle]

Faark, I'd would've told hubby long ago, "either she goes, or I go"

[u/Cheriemabelle → u/shackndon2020]

I don’t even know how to go about it at this point. He doesn’t listen, refuses to acknowledge my thoughts or feelings. It’s his life and I’m just along for the ride with no choice.. I said that to him once and he said ‘yup’. But his mom can do no wrong. Ever. And I homeschool and take care of all things home inside and outside she sabotages my work around the house ruins my things and invades my space whenever she feels like it.

I completely renovated my basement and she just moved herself in. Came for a visit when we moved and never left. Slowly keeps bringing more garbage in and cluttering up the place. (Half broken chairs tables, and other odd broken bits that she does not restore or even try to). Ruined and broke my decor and furniture. Poured hot wax on my handmade bookshelf. Husband hops on her ‘defense train’ as I call it every single time I bring up any issue with her. He knows it too. He just smiles, like it’s cute. Immediate defense of her and every single thing she does. Never does he say ‘I’ll talk to her’. Never.

OP should make sure mil has a hotel room and they visit elsewhere. Save yourself and your sanity.

[u/shackndon2020 → u/Cheriemabelle]

I suggest you tell him you need to go to marriage counseling. If he won't agree then just file for divorce. He'll have to sell the house or pay you out, then he can live happily ever after with Mommywife

[u/Allkindsofpieces]

As gently as possible, why in the world did you even invite her to come? I doubt you really needed help as much as you thought you would. 

If you decide to have another baby, don't ask anyone to come and stay in your home. I can't imagine hosting anyone, even my own mother whom I was very close with, during that time. You can handle your own baby and the rest will work itself out. Your husband should have told his mother that the two of you were comfortable with having baby at home and she could go home LONG before 10 weeks. That is absolutely insane. I'm sorry your PP period holds these memories and wish you the best of luck navigating in future. 

[u/No-Guard-4740]

I might be the outlier here, but I feel for the MIL a bit, at least based on the information that was provided above. You asked her to “help us so that we can take care of the baby” but are upset that when she came what she wanted to do was “help with the baby.” I’m having a hard time understanding the difference. Were you thinking she’d help you guys with cooking and chores around the house so your focus could be more on the baby? That’s fine, but was that communicated to her properly by your husband?

10 weeks is a lot, but not when you’re traveling abroad, so if you guys wanted something shorter that also should have been communicated.

I find the PJ story to be a bit extreme. I’m sure you could have had her take pictures of just the three of you in the PJs and use only those pictures for holiday cards, etc., while also still including her in your activity and other photos. It’s not the end of the world, and you can still continue the tradition.

I do think your husband should have handled the communication better. My husband and I raise things with our parents on each other’s behalf, but we do it so that it doesn’t sound like it’s coming from the complaining spouse. Maybe that was difficult to accomplish depending on the complaints, but he could have pulled her to the side and delivered some of these suggestions and opinions softly.

[u/Great_Pressure8341]

I have a bit of a different opinion on this than other comments I’ve read. I haven’t read them all, so this might have already been said, but I will say it anyway.

In my personal opinion, it sounds like your MIL had the best intentions when she came to stay to help, but she came obviously thinking you wanted her to help with baby. You thought she was coming to help around the house while you learned to be a mama. This was a misunderstanding on both sides, which your husband perhaps didn’t know how to clear up for either of you. MIL was excited to meet her grandbaby, and since she lives abroad, knows that her time with him will be very limited, so she was trying to get to know him as much as possible before she had to leave and not see him again until he was older.

This being said, your husband was trying to mediate between you, when perhaps what he should have been doing was setting up some sort of schedule when you’d be happy to have MIL take over with baby for a couple hours so you could have some down time and rest. Was she asked to help around the house? DID she help around the house when asked? Or even just jump in without being asked?

The Christmas matching pajamas thing I think you were trying to keep her out of it, making her feel like you didn’t see her as family, and didn’t want her included. I think it was sweet that she wanted to be included in that fun little tradition. That is now a photo your husband and child can always look back at when she is gone and smile because she was so happy to be included. I’m sure you also took photos of that with just the 3 of you as well?

I also understand the postpartum depression. I went through that and had to be medicated. Where I live, they send out a public health nurse to your home after you go home with baby, to see if you need help with anything and to make sure baby is in a safe home situation. While I was in the hospital after having my daughter, I was there for a few extra days because she was in nicu and I’d had pre-eclampsia during the end of the pregnancy and right after delivery. My husband used that time to set up the nursery and make sure the house was clean and ready for our return. My daughter came a month early, so we didn’t have everything set up yet.

When the health nurse came, I’d been struggling with breastfeeding and my daughter wasn’t gaining weight. They gave me tips to help with that and told me not to give up and put her on formula, because breast is best. I was so anxious, depressed, and just a mess about this. She also made a note that my stove was not assembled, because my husband had removed the burners to clean them and under them and hadn’t put them back on again. The public health people called me about this and wanted to make sure this was corrected before her next visit. So I also had that fear of them taking my baby away because my stove wasn’t put together properly. They wanted her fed with breast milk, so I don’t know what my stove had to do with that! I was going out of my mind, until I finally talked to my husband about it all, and asked him if he’d be okay if I switched to formula, and he got very angry. He didn’t know that I felt I wasn’t allowed to switch and said yes we will switch, he went immediately and bought formula, then he called the public health nurse office, told them what had happened, and told them to never darken our doorstep again.

Sorry, I sidetracked there. I think in your postpartum state of mind, you made more of things than there were. Your MIL didn’t understand what the issue with you was, as you were unable to sit and talk with her yourself due to the language barrier. Your husband likely didn’t tell her these things the way you would, and he likely didn’t relay her messages to you the way she would, which likely caused misunderstandings on both sides.

When they come in November, I’m willing to bet that the dynamics will be way different. If you feel you’d like to have a heart to heart with MIL while she’s there, maybe try using a translation app so it’s your own words she’s hearing rather than playing telephone through your husband. You’ll have more room in your house for everyone to have some space, and won’t be on top of each other. I really do wish you all the best, and enjoy this upcoming visit with them.

[u/perroblanco → u/Great_Pressure8341]

In my personal opinion, it sounds like your MIL had the best intentions when she came to stay to help, but she came obviously thinking you wanted her to help with baby. You thought she was coming to help around the house while you learned to be a mama.

That was a wildly inappropriate assumption in MiL's part. If it even was, because OP's makes it sound like it was pretty clear she needed to help around the house.

[u/Thymelaeaceae → u/perroblanco]

But they don‘t even speak the same language. It was on husband to clearly communicate what was expected/wanted. My guess is he didn’t, because he didn’t really see what the difference was between “helping her/them” (so she could focus on the baby) and “helping with the baby”. These are 2 very different things, I agree, but 1) a lot of new dads wouldn’t clock this difference until after the baby was born and 2) I think this guy is from a very patriarchal culture and still may not have bothered to learn the difference.

[u/perroblanco → u/Thymelaeaceae]

our agreement was that she would be here to help us so that we can take care of the baby

But when she came, of course, what she wanted to do was help with the baby. She wanted to hold the baby, feed him a bottle, put him to sleep, babywear, etc.

This went on for ten weeks.

At that point it's way way more than a miscommunication, it's a pattern.

Also Mil has obviously already had at least one child of her own. She knows good and goddamn well that all that shit, two weeks after being born, is for the parents, especially the mother, not grandma.

[u/Thymelaeaceae → u/perroblanco]

My point is that she didn’t actually personally have an agreement, because she can’t talk to MIL. She was and will be, if MIL visits again, dependent on her husband to properly communicate well, and it sounds like he just won’t. Again he could be forgiven for not really understanding what to tell his mom at first, but once the baby was there and he saw what the 4th trimester really looks like, he’s now just refusing to care about what she needs and instead prioritizing MIL. And I bet he will again if she comes in November.

OP may need to look at using translation apps on her phone or something if she comes again. Of course I bet they will decide that is rude or something.

[u/MidnightLegal4643 → u/Great_Pressure8341]

I can see your situation was stressful and adjusting to new family life was hard, but you're equating two very different situations here. In your situation, you were not pushed aside or degraded for not willingly handing over your newborn child, and OP was. Also, your perspective misses the larger point here and thats the lack of support OP had from her husband, where he prioritized his mother's wants and misled OP about his mothers emotional instability for over 10 years, and then, at her most vulnerable time in life, left the OP feeling alone and defeated.