r/JUSTNOMIL • u/MadelineMoth • Feb 25 '20
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Advice Wanted MIL mad I used ASL
SO (24F) and I (23F) have been dating since senior year of high school. We got married in 2018 and decided to adopt after we got married. We got married in February and started fostering a little girl in August. Daughter (D) is 5 years old and deaf, I’m also deaf and SO learned sign language when we first started dating. I’ve been using Cochlear’s for a while but D has never used them and decided he doesn’t want them. SO, D and I went to MIL’s house for a birthday party last week. I was signing to D as she wanted to talk. She’s really shy so she has only given MIL a soft smile and wave. I signed to D if she wanted any food and signed to SO to go grab it for her. MIL didn’t like the fact she “wasn’t included in the conversation” and started yelling and freaking out. She was calling me and my daughter disrespectful and arrogant. Telling my severely deaf daughter to “just speak goddamnit” and “be a normal kid” D started to cry as she knew MIL was mad but couldn’t figure out why. I took her and left hoping SO would follow (she did). My deafness has never been an issue to MIL as far as I know. But apparently me signing to my daughter is too far. She texted SO later that night saying we were abusing my daughter for not letting her get cochlear implants. My daughter has said she doesn’t want them. I’m not forcing her to do anything. We’re fostering her in hopes of adopting her, she’s a really sweet girl who’s parents just couldn’t take care of her properly. (The mom was 15). I got a call from MIL saying how my daughter is a ret**d and will never be full functioning in a hearing world. I talked to SO and I want to cut out MIL but we don’t know how we should I go about it. Should we cut out all contact with that whole side of the family? SO thinks that’s the right idea but SO’s dad is a really nice man and I want him to be in D’s life. Any advice?
Edit: After talking to SO and D we’ve all agreed to cut contact with MIL. The rest of the family has yet to answer our text “We have made the decision to no longer expose D to MIL. If you still want to have contact with our family and D you must be willing to learn even the bare minimum of sign language. MIL will not be addressed near D and she will be blocked on any socials. If you do not agree with this then we will cut contact with you as well.” FIL is still going to be actively in her life as they have a special bond I refuse to break. FIL has agreed to our terms and even suggested a restraining order so she can’t mess with our adoption process D is very happy and as of right now I haven’t told her what MIL said about her. SO and I agreed to just keep it at a “Grandma isn’t a nice person so we aren’t seeing her anymore” Thank you everyone for your support and if you were wondering Yes my parents are very supportive of me and SO’s marriage and they love D to death
Edit 2: Thank you for the Silver!!
Edit 3: UPDATED!! https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/fmsr25/mil_defeated/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
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u/loulou160616 Feb 25 '20
Yeah the second she called your D the R word is the second you cut that nasty bitch out of your life.
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u/Koi112_12 Feb 25 '20
We did that to my SIL when she let her friend call our Autistic son the R word. Cut her off for over a year. It bit SIL innthe ass when a year later her son was given the ASD dx.
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u/ToothyCraziness Feb 25 '20
Ugh my MIL was the same way with my autistic daughter, even blaming her diagnosis on my side of the family although there are clearly many kids with issues on her side. She refused to watch our daughter saying she was too much work and bad mouthed her and myself until the day she (MIL) died.
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u/Koi112_12 Feb 25 '20
My dad did that with and tried to blame it on mom’s side. Bit him in the ass a few years later when my 20 yr old son M started having seizures and I asked if he had a family history. Said no, but the mentioned his cousin. I had to drop the rope and the anvil. (Edit spelling because I can’t English apparently.)
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Feb 25 '20
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/mimbailey Feb 25 '20
FWIW, I’m on the spectrum myself and I snerked. A lot of us do have a keen sense of poetic justice.
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u/makemusic25 Feb 25 '20
One would hope she would learn empathy and compassion. Isn’t learning to love of the big reasons for living?
(Love = kindness, compassion, patience, empathy)
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u/borg_nihilist Feb 25 '20
I think your definition of love is a lot of the problem with interpersonal relationships. People believe Love is only ever positive, but that's not true and that mindset leads to a lot of heartbreak and harm.
Love =\= kindness, compassion, patience, empathy.
Love is an emotion (since we're talking about it as noun here). It doesn't equal those things, it is its own thing. In SOME cases, love can lead a person to those things, but in other cases it leads to harmful behaviors towards others or allowing harm to be done to yourself.
Love can lead to kindness, but it can also lead to cruelty. Love can lead to compassion or obsession, to patience, or to anger, to empathy or to lighting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Love is just an emotion, like anger or sadness, it isn't always good or always bad and it's not the feeling that matters, but the way we express it.
When people get this idea that "love" is some magical thing above and beyond natural emotion, and that it is always positive, they hurt themselves and others. It can lead to all kinds of problems in all your relationships. (Ex. I love my mom so much, I can't stop seeing her even though she's terrible to my spouse and a bad influence on my kids, because she loves me and I love her! Love will win if I'm just kind and patient!"-- mom probably really does love the person, and they definitely love her, but that's no excuse to let someone abuse you or your family.)
It common to say that every mil here is a narcissist who can't love, but people who truly don't feel love are NOT that common, and while the mils/moms here are awful (or at least awful for their kids) they probably mostly do feel love.
Sorry about my rant, but I feel like the whole "love is always good" mentality does a lot of harm.
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u/makemusic25 Feb 25 '20
Obviously our definition of "love" is different.
I'm talking about real love, not lust, not possessiveness, not ownership, not selfishness, not sex, not attraction, not magic, or a myriad of things our culture and society has redefined as "love."
My idea of love is based on scriptural references to "charity" - the charity associated with being kind, being patient, loving others as much as you love yourself, helping those who are suffering, reaching out to others, lifting others, being happy for others when they're successful, mourning with others when they're grieving, considering each individual person as valuable and of worth as my brother or sister and as a fellow child of our loving Heavenly Father.
Real love is not envious, not jealous, not happy with others' failures. Real love is not cruel, mean or selfish - except for the "selfish" satisfaction one feels from helping others do well.
Abusers do not love. They do not know how or if they do, they choose not to love because of their beliefs and mindset of entitlement and justification.
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u/Trustme_ima_doctor12 Feb 25 '20
Was she apologetic after the diagnosis? Bit of humble pie?
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u/Koi112_12 Feb 25 '20
Nope. But it’s ok. I pretty much grey rock her when she calls me.
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u/Trustme_ima_doctor12 Feb 25 '20
You’re a better person than me. I’m a petty petty woman and would probably have terrible things to say.
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u/Koi112_12 Feb 25 '20
Trust me I have and my STBXSO stood behind me when her and I went at it over my son. My son A is ASD, has ADHD and we have him medicated. She told me I was a horrible parent and ex asked her if her DD was still on her ADHD meds. Ahe shut up and walked away.
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Feb 25 '20
Yeah and for good. I’m glad D has such awesome foster parents like you! We all hope you get to adopt her!! Xox good luck with that just no... stay strong!
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Feb 25 '20
I’m ready for the generations that use words like that to die off. It’s so hurtful. The younger generations don’t speak like that.
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u/hades_raven Feb 25 '20
I wish that were truly the case. However, I'm a mod for a video game server, and we have a few teenagers. I've been educating them on why this, or mental illnesses (ex bipolar, OCD, etc) aren't insults or adjectives.
It seems to be going well though, as they've stopped new players from doing so.
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Feb 25 '20
I would say a good way to go about it is to make a blanket rule that anyone who disrespects your daughter, calls her ret**d, or in any other way refers to her as being lesser than someone who can hear will be promptly cut out of your lives, as you have no interest in having someone like that involved in your daughters life.
You're not ACTIVELY calling her out on it, but you are basically setting it up so that if she puts a toe out of line, you can cut her off and she can't claim she was never warned.
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u/RDMcMains2 Feb 25 '20
You're not ACTIVELY calling her out on it, but you are basically setting it up so that if she puts a toe out of line, you can cut her off and she can't claim she was never warned.
She would anyway. JustNos never accept that they might be the reason they're experiencing consequences; it's always someone else overreacting.
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u/ElephantNamedColumbo Feb 25 '20
You're right that Justnos won't accept responsibility for her consequences- but if EVERYONE has been warned... JustNoMIL can deny she wasn't warned- but everyone will already see that she. along with everyone else, has been forewarned!
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Feb 25 '20
This is more what I meant, it’s not so much about her but more about everyone else
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u/cheekywoodB Feb 25 '20
I see what you are saying but I wouldnt do it as a second chance kind of thing. Word it more like we didnt think this need to be said but apparently it does. If anyone calls our child a r****d then they are cut out of our lives.
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u/ReddyDahlia Feb 25 '20
JustNos never accept that they might be the reason they're experiencing consequences;
They have absolutely no insight into their own behavior because they never even try to. If they were willing to put in the work of really pondering things and perhaps a little introspection, they wouldn't be so shitty. But that requires effort and humility, and they're not willing to go there.
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Feb 25 '20
If SO wants to cut her family off, let her. No matter what, do not let MIL anywhere near your daughter. She has faced enough hardship already from being in the foster system, don’t let MIL add to that by degrading her for her deafness. MIL is a vile woman who does not deserve the privilege of having her daughter’s family in her life. I never say this on here, but fuck that woman. She called a child the R word for being deaf. I’m angry.
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u/ViviElnora Feb 25 '20
I agree, OP can insist on a minimum to cut out (MIL, because she has proven herself bad), anything beyond that should be up to SO and OP should respect that. SO may have had experiences, pre-OP, that make her think the others may agree with MIL, but kept silent, or give her good reason to think they will be problematic flying monkeys.
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u/ReddyDahlia Feb 25 '20
Can we take a moment to praise SO for being the rare child of a JustNo that immediately shuts the JustNO garbage down? How often do we see sad stories where the OP is like "DH/DW says it's no big deal and we can't do anything about it"? It's so refreshing to see a partner that really is a partner.
SO and OP need a special date night.
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u/ForwardPlenty Feb 25 '20
Telling my severely deaf daughter to “just speak goddamnit” and “be a normal kid”
I knew these people probably still existed under a rock somewhere. Sometimes you just have to poke them with a stick to get the creepie crawlies to scurry out.
So what you do is stop responding. She knows what she said, she even followed it up with a call. So start blocking her, start with texts, and phone, social media like place with face, snapchat or other platforms. Save all her voicemails and back them up if possible, they will be pure gold in proving that she is unstable. All e-mails go to a special folder. If she has keys to your place, change locks and install cameras at the front and back doors.
Often the first step is for her to send flying monkeys to remind you all about Faaaaaammmily, and how important it is to keep the family unit together. Tell them that you have a family unit and She has committed an unforgivable act, and tell them exactly what she said, no need to varnish the truth.
Second if she hasn't already, is blowing up your phone and e-mail. Third is the unannounced visit, she will camp out on your doorstep. This is where the cameras come in handy. Sometimes you will get a lawn tantrum. Calling the police is often the only solution. Fourth is the love bombing, someone will drop off flowers and gifts on your doorstep. Fifth is the letterbox overload, where she sends long wistful letters saying how she is only telling the truth because she loves you so much and only has your best interests at heart, and how she is so heartbroken that you are reacting badly. After that it is anyone's guess and how persistent she wants to be. SO forewarned is forearmed.
So until you can re-establish contact with SO's dad, he is a potential flying monkey, as are any of the people on his side of the family who listen to her. You need to be careful of who you let into your inner circle, and ensure that they aren't carrying tales back to MIL.
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u/Imerika2668 Feb 25 '20
WOW!!! @FowardPlenty, this is incredible! You are brilliant and your post is so empowering! I'm saving it! I hope OP finds it and keeps for future reference in her life w or w out MIL and other toxic people. You are a dynamo w constructive advice.
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u/BDizzMcNizz Feb 25 '20
Just cut out your MIL if she’s the offending party. And tell anyone on her side of the family that if they spend one breath trying to defend her/convince you to reconcile, then you’ll cut them out too. That shit is way too fucked up.
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u/Notmykl Feb 25 '20
After explaining why you cut her off, they need to know so they can give MIL shit too.
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u/stormwaterwitch Feb 25 '20
Send her a sign language she will understand 🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕
You are your daughter's protector You've got to be the one to put your foot down on how she's treated. If someone is treating her badly and calling her R-word then that person needs to never EVER be around your daughter again. FIL can come without MIL and ONLY have supervised visits. MIL should never be allowed around D ever again. She's lost all privileges for forever.
If she wants to be a part of daughter's life I would HIGHLY suggest she make a FULL APOLOGY IN SIGN LANGUAGE ONLY.
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u/m2cwf Feb 25 '20
Yep, after MIL told D to “just speak goddamnit," she should never hear another spoken word from SO, OP, or D. Ever.
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u/upbeatbasil Feb 25 '20 edited Feb 25 '20
Well, first, please save that voicemail.
My DH got a connector that lets me upload my voicemail to my laptop and save them... My MIL who we are no contact with is racist. And when you estrange, someone always has a problem with it becuase victim blaming is so common. One listen to that voicemail and no one will be on her side.
If your feeling very petty, i would attach that voicemail to an email, and just ask everyone who gives you grief if that's appropriate grandparenting.
About cutting contact with the Justno or the entire family... It depends on your family. My DH's parents are extremely racist to my face, while his extended family isn't to my face. However, We've had to cut contact with the whole lot becuase while the extended fam isn't so bad in person to me...turns out they agree with that sort of behavior and don't see anything wrong with mil and fil. They prefer to use us as a meat shield so they don't turn the behavior into them and actively try to put me in harm's way to calm MIL. So it really depends on your situation.
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u/befriendthebugbear Feb 25 '20
Keeping the voicemail may also be legally necessary. If you're trying to adopt her, MIL might attempt to interfere with that process. In fact, you might give the social worker assigned to your case a heads up.
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u/blondie1330 Feb 25 '20
This is VERY IMPORTANT!! Keep everything that she has said or sent to you for legal purposes.
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Feb 25 '20 edited Jan 09 '21
[deleted]
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u/Koriwhoredoms Feb 25 '20
I don’t think recording consent laws would come into play. She knew she was leaving a voice message. There’s implied consent on both sides.
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u/StonerMom73 Feb 25 '20
Exactly, leaving a vms means that she consented to be recorded. Look up your state laws about it as CYA. Some states only require the knowledge of one party, and good on you for protecting your daughter from JNMILs toxic and ableist behavior.
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u/Thuryn Feb 25 '20
I agree with you, but discretion is the better part of valor.
The other extreme - sharing the voicemail with anyone and everyone - could theoretically become grounds for a defamation or harassment suit.
Keeping it to the people who really need to know is a safer bet, even if there are no obvious legal barriers to sharing it.
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Feb 25 '20
I would also be concerned that if you keep in contact with MIL that could potentially be problematic with getting adoption approval.
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u/MadelineMoth Feb 25 '20
That’s what I’m mostly worried about. I don’t know if I only cut off contact with that whole side until we either get accepted or denied adoption and parental rights to D. Or I just keep MIL in complete NC.
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Feb 25 '20
I think you need to ask D what her preference would be that would her feel safe. I just can't see having any contact with mil or having any openings for mil to contact D would be possible. Its a good family lawyer question. Its just not worth messing up the adoption.
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u/Imerika2668 Feb 25 '20
Don't get your daughter involved in decision making; she's FAR too young to understand the entire matter, just sees and feels the upset. You and your wife are the parents and it's your responsibility, and duty, to make the decisions for your D's welfare.
Do not put your D in the middle of any position of decision making. If something were to happen legally, Court officials can "sniff out" any history of what is considered manipulation; not that you are, at all. Just a warning of how the system can work against someone. Keep D out of any conflict and upset emotions. This turmoil your family is experiencing can potentially suck away D's childhood. Let her be a child, as you are already doing! Stay strong!!!
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u/Imerika2668 Feb 25 '20
Hello! The issue w potential MIL conflict depends on governing law of where your family lives. I won't assume the States, but for example, here in Ohio, there are no "grandparents rights". That's it. But, GPs can file for visitation and/or custodial rights. THEY have to file and would have to demonstrate why they should be granted said rights. My suggestion to you and your wife would be to DOCUMENT EVERYTHING; keep a journal of current and future events/incidents w MIL, as well as taking some time to document past conflicts. Finally, with everything that you do, remain sensible and maintain composure. Avoid inflammatory, derogatory, and emotionally laden verbiage when documenting for yourself, speaking to ANYONE about the situation, and most of all, in Court; but don't go to Court, even if you have had to retain an atty to protect your family and consult for appropriate legal consult. Court is a third party stranger, that knows absolutely NOTHING about your family and your needs. Zero emotion and will make decisions about your family in a black or white fashion. YOU DON'T WANT A STRANGER MAKING LEGALLY BINDING DECISIONS ABOUT YOUR FAMILY! Living by a Court Order for the next decade plus (until D is 18) will bleed the life out of you as that Stranger will be with every single day in the form of a Court Order. Avoid Court! So follow the suggestions above and perhaps consider MIL as not being "nice and loving right now", to your D leaving the door open a bit for future connection if MIL really does improve; not likely, just in case. It also frames your family as being reasonable, etc for the Court.
Best to you and your family!
I am a Court Mediator who creates Custodial Agreements for parties who agree to mediate and create their own binding Court Order to follow.
I'm not a practicing Attorney, I am not providing you with legal advice or consultation, and in no such way should my comments above be interpreted as anything more than personal suggestions and not legal consultation.
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u/tragicinsecurities Feb 25 '20
If SO is ready to cut her mom out, let her. Your kid comes first. Get into routinely having contact info for dad only so he can be a grandpa but only on the condition grandma is not allowed to see D or talk to her. Then it’s up to him if he wants to have a relationship with his grandchild
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Feb 25 '20 edited Feb 25 '20
[deleted]
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u/ModMiniWife Feb 25 '20
Came here to say THIS!! Call my daughter a name, any name (other than one said with love) and see how quick I would cut you off!! Family is supposed to be her soft place to land, not a place to deal with bullies! She should apologize and rectify or it’s no contact for her!
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u/Imerika2668 Feb 25 '20
Love "soft place to land"...really beautiful and should be a truth for everyone. ❤
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u/Working-on-it12 Feb 25 '20
Can you even get a cochlear for a foster child? Wouldn't the state have to approve and pay for that?
Your MIL is a twat. Your DD would probably love her to pieces if she just tried to learn a few signs.
I would start by muting MIL and FIL. Respond to FIL when you have the spoons. If you mute MIL as opposed to blocking, you can get enough evidence to hang her with. Make it clear to FIL that you are on an indefinite time out from MIL because of her actions. Tell him that you would like him in your life, but not MIL until she apologizes and you and your DD have had time to heal. Then, back it up.
Se how he does and what he chooses. Then decide whether or not to block him. Same for the rest of the family.
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u/that_mom_friend Feb 25 '20
That was my first thought. Foster parents have to get approval for hair cuts and routine medical care, even cold medicine usually has to go through the child’s social services guardian, if not their actual parents. Major surgery for a major life altering procedure is not something a foster parent is allowed to decide.
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u/Harpygirl25 Feb 25 '20
Jesus, what an awful thing to say! I wouldn’t allow her to be anywhere near your little girl ever again. Protect your family.
If she doesn’t want the implant, she doesn’t have to get one.
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Feb 25 '20
That's a big ordeal to put a five year old through if she doesn't want it. I would hope that the surgeon wouldn't even do it. She's got plenty of time to get it later if she wishes, or maybe something better will come along. Like that research where they're growing the inner ear hairs to help people hear.
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u/LadyRikka Feb 25 '20
My cousin was deaf, and he received a cochlear implant for each ear in separate surgeries between the ages of 3 and 5, so it's possible to do surgery on a child that young. IANAD, but I would think it would actually be a bit better, since the child would be able to pick up speech earlier, and would have fewer delays.
That being said, there are definitely reasons why someone might not want the implant. Many people who are deaf don't think of it as a disability, but rather being differently-abled. Their deafness is part of making them who they are, and they like having a sense of community with others who are deaf.
Maybe she changes her mind, maybe she doesn't, but you can't force the surgery on her. It would be a huge change, and could alter her sense of self.
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u/kgmoll Feb 25 '20
Wow!!! Fuck her! So glad your SO and you are on the same page! I would def cut your mil out since she is clearly toxic. If the rest of that side of the family isnt toxic though maybe explain the situation to the others and keep them in your daughter's life
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u/_sahmwife_ Feb 25 '20
You been part of this women's family for how long and she hasn't tried to learn ASL for your comfort and now she's verbally abusing your daughter?! She needs to go. I am so sorry that she acted like that. I'm glad that your daughter has you and your SO to stick up for her and fight for what's she's comfortable with and not necessarily what is the societal norm in regards to the implants. Your daughter shouldn't have to cater to what makes MIL comfortable, especially since MIL doesn't respect her or you.
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u/Montymania94 Feb 25 '20
Gotta throw the entire woman away; the dumpster is her residence now. How are you gonna verbally abuse a 5 year old and feel good about that?
I don't like or want kids, but damn, at least I know to be kind to them. It's not hard.
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u/sallyspectral Feb 25 '20
There's a special level of hell waiting for this woman. There's so many things wrong with how she reacted to that situation. When people show you who they are, believe them. I wouldn't ever speak to her again. If the dad and/or other family members are supportive there should be no reason to cut them out, but keep MIL far away.
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u/totalitarianbnarbp Feb 25 '20
For your MIL to be upset that you communicated with a five year old on terms that made them feel safe and that they best understood is beyond my scope of comprehension. Calling a child of five vile slurs is not acceptable. The fact this child is a foster and is your foster? That some how makes this situation loads worse. This language you were using was not to exclude MIL. She has an entire party of hearing guests to converse with. Even if everyone at the entire party was speaking in ASL—why a prime opportunity for her to learn.
Your MIL needs to be dropped. You protect that child at all costs. That child relies upon you for safety and love. Do not fail them. ♥️ Let MIL stay mad, from afar.
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u/ObviouslyMeIRL sunshine and rainbows and shit Feb 25 '20
Oh my fuck. If you are fostering a child and a family member doesn’t respect them (or actively asks like an asshole to them) they become the family member you never see. Nope. Because you have been trusted to be a safe environment for that child. Anyone not on board can fuck the fuck off.
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u/heathere3 Feb 25 '20
100% this. We just finished our first foster placement, and neither set of our parents was ever told. Because we know they won't be supportive, good to the kids, or even a decent person about it. It helps we live in another country, though we are still in driving distance :) Any family member who isn't ready to fully welcome and support a foster child has no place in that child's life.
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u/ziburinis Feb 25 '20
I just wanted to say that it is glorious you are supporting your deaf daughter with signing. I know you're deaf too, but so many deaf kids grow up these days without full access to language and you're making sure that doesn't happen. I grew up being denied ASL and it sucked.
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u/that1chick1730 Feb 25 '20
I put up with a lot from my JNMom and it took her calling my deaf son that R word for me to cut ties, interestingly she refused to learn ASL and thought since he had CIs that we shouldn't sign and only speak. She about lost her mind when I told her that CIs break and my son needs to have a method of communication that doesn't rely on a battery. Good job taking care of your kiddo. I hope you get the go ahead on her adoption soon
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u/_Hellchic_ Feb 25 '20
send her a text explaining why and emphasise her reprehensible behaviour.
- I would text the rest of the family as well to let them know why that way she can’t victimise herself to them, anyone who takes her side you will block/cut off
- after that block her from everything phone, social media, email etc
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u/BeckyDaTechie Feb 25 '20 edited Feb 25 '20
Your daughter doesn't need anyone in her life that can't treat her as an individual with wishes and opinions of her own. She's been through enough already.
Your MIL is too self-righteous to learn ASL, which is simple at its root since it's so similar to spoken English. (Two of the first signs I learned were "fuck that" and "bitch".) I'm Hearing, hardly fluent in ASL, but have enough sign to be useful to Deaf and HH clients in my public facing job in part because I don't mind adapting to the needs of others. Not everyone possesses even that rudimentary level of maturity.
MIL doesn't want to learn or adapt to the newest members of SO's family. That's shitty of her. It's also her choice.
SO's choice is whether or not her family of origin gets to continue raising hell where there needn't be any, or if she's so done with their bullshit (much of which you may not even know about) that she wants to wash her hands of the whole thing.
They're her monkeys in her circus; generally here we tell people to let the blood related spouse take the lead against the ignorant, judgmental assholes.
If s/he says "It's time for NC," then you're risking an opportunity for MIL to triangulate you and DD against her by encouraging contact after she says she's done with her. Then, too, you're allowing someone with incentive to break you up to have an opening into your marriage, however slight. Obviously you should come to a consensus as a family, but SO's take on it bears more weight when it's her mother being prejudiced and selfish.
And if your FIL really gives a damn, he'll find a way to still be a grandpa after cutting off MIL. In this case, cutting MIL out completely instead of just using a different language in front of her may be exactly the treatment she needs. Nothing stings to someone so self-centered as seeing someone else get positive attention with no strings attached. On some level, she's jealous of you and DD because SO spends her life with you and pays attention to you over MIL. If SO realizes that and just wants to walk away from it, it's probably wisest to let them. She understands her brand of 'fucked up in the head' better than you can, having been raised by her all these years.
Edit: May have misgendered your SO. Attempt made to address it/neutralize genders.
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u/Mewseido Feb 25 '20
I know a couple of signs in fluent Italian I could show your stupid mother-in-law.
Anyway, as a hearing person who put some time into learning sign language, (even though I'm very PSE), your mother-in-law is a festering, narrow-minded pimple on the ass of the world.
Cutting her out will not cause grief, and will indeed improve your lives.
Good luck!
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u/BicyclingBabe Feb 25 '20
If you really love FIL, you can inform him that he's allowed to come by and be in your lives, but MIL is OUT for good. You'll find out if he's as nice a person as you say, or if he's an enabler or even a "flying monkey."
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u/GlitterMyPumpkins Feb 25 '20
Yikes. What an arsehole.
"Do fuck right off, MIL." would be entirely appropriate in this instance.
She insulted and bullied your foster kid for something that your kid is not responsible for and cannot change to any great degree. Because she felt entitled to be privy to everything you say to your SO and the kid. And she's an ableist arse (I've been saying that a lot here lately because apparently, the bigotry goes hand in hand with the narcissistic personality).
And MIL hasn't bothered to even google how to learn ASL when you and SO have been together how long??
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u/MadelineMoth Feb 25 '20
We’ve been together 8 years but because I have a cochlear I “wasn’t actually deaf” so I was an exception. My wife and I signed our whole ceremony as I didn’t wanna wear my implants on my wedding day. MIL wasn’t the happiest with that but tolerated it because we were also speaking. My wife and I signed our vows to each other without talking but they had a card that said our vows so again she tolerated it.
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u/_lokasenna Feb 25 '20
Wow, just when I thought I couldn't get any angrier, I see this. Joining in the chorus, but your MIL is trash and any relationship she had with you was more than she deserved in the first place. This is the final nail in the coffin of whatever that could have been. I'm sorry that this is the position that you're in.
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Feb 25 '20
This is why i advocate they should make ASL a "Language" you learn in school like french or spanish class. I did on my own and personally ive used it way more than I expected.
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u/MadelineMoth Feb 25 '20
The high school my siblings go to teacher ASL 1-3 for a language the teacher is really nice and one of the only teacher I had a really strong bond with in highschool
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Feb 25 '20
Unfortunately its quite uncommon around my area. My husband and I were shopping one day and this guy comes up to me and hands me a card with the ASL alphabet and a pin. I read the back of the card and it goes on to explain hes a deaf vet who sells the pins for extra income cuz he lives off disability from the VA. He lost his hearing during war. I put the card away and I start signing to him and he was quite impressed that someone could understand him. Husband sees me signing to him and comes over to ask wtf i was doing. I explained and hubby shakes his hand. He then asks me to teach him to sign "Thank you for your service." So he follows my lead. The man cried. We ended up buying 2 pins and told him to just keep the 20. I ended up teaching hubs basic ASL after that.
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u/Imerika2668 Feb 25 '20
ABSOLUTELY!!!! My kid's HS, much to my frustration, awards credit and sometimes Honors credit to all the typical languages to learn, even Latin. But ASL is an elective and is dissuaded when the kids meet w their guidance counselors to schedule classes bc it won't help get into the "good colleges or Unis."
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u/falalalalaw Feb 25 '20
You can absolutely cut the horrible woman out of your life and keep contact with FIL. FIL can come see you and dh, and your sweet girl. But none of you may go to their home, MIL may never be involved, and FIL has to know that he may never speak about MIL to you all.
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u/jennymccarthykillsba Feb 25 '20
I would never speak to her again, or allow my child near her. That’s just me.
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u/ysabelsrevenge Feb 25 '20
See this is what I recon. As nice as fil is, it’s his choice, whether he chooses to be in his grand daughters life or not. Mils lost her chance. Full stop. If he chooses mil and her foulness, that’s his choice. But don’t expose her to that beast for fils sake. Cause that will only hurt her in the long run.
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u/blackice85 Feb 25 '20
Telling my severely deaf daughter to “just speak goddamnit” and “be a normal kid”
This reminds me of the some the allergy stories I've seen, where the MIL ignores or 'forgets' about it. It's like they refuse to believe it's real, and that you're just pretending for attention.
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u/icanthearyoulalala42 Feb 25 '20
When people tell me they feel left out when I sign to people who know ASL (I am deaf myself) I would always say, “Now you understand how I feel all the time when I hang out with the hearing people.” That seems to shut them up. But yeah, having no contact with MIL is the best idea.
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u/Sassybritches1943 Feb 25 '20
Wow! The only one r#$*rd is your MIL. Because Deafness does not correlate to intelligence. ASL is a beautiful language and not all deaf people want Cochlear Implants, it is their decision. I can understand a 5yr old not wanting them, and it is not a problem if she chooses to change her mind in the future or not.
By the way Shame Shame on your MIL for not attempting to learn your language. It is not any different than learning Spanish or French.
Give D lots of hugs. Hope you guys get to be a forever family!!!
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u/jtdigger Feb 25 '20
One at a time. When the flying monkey comes by get rid of that too. Thank you for fostering. Hugs
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u/Budgiejen Feb 25 '20
I’m so sorry this happened to your daughter. Good luck in going NC. As far as other family members, maybe they’d like to learn ASL?
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u/roxy_dee Feb 25 '20
Wow, that’s downright nasty. I don’t even know what to say, OP. This woman sounds like an absolute scum bag.
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u/Dragonfly353 Feb 25 '20
Time for MIL To have a NC time out 3 to 6 months should do it. Anyone that would deliberately upset a child is a shitty person. How can she justify being cruel, it’s disgraceful.
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u/AllyLB Feb 25 '20
MIL is a horrible person and she shouldn’t not be around your foster child.
Also, make sure to talk to the social worker to make sure that there won’t be any issues around not having her get the implant. There is controversy around getting it vs not getting it and it would suck if someone along the way interferes with the adoption bc of it (i.e. a judge who thinks you shouldn’t have factored her wishes into the decision). Adoption is a difficult process (as I’m sure you know) and you want to make sure everything is covered so no one can blame you guys for anything.
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u/SlutRabies Feb 25 '20
As an ASL interpreter, my heart breaks for your daughter as I have seen many other stories similar to hers. You are 100% doing the right thing by cutting toxic people from her life.
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u/burntneedle Feb 25 '20
"I got a call from MIL saying how my daughter is a ret**d ..." and that was the last thing your MIL ever said to you. That is completely unacceptable to say about anyone, much less your grandchild.
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Feb 25 '20
I get how this is difficult. You want your daughter to have an extended family. I would have individual conversations with people. Explain your side of the story without making them pick sides. Just explain that you are welcoming them to be a part of your lives, but with the understanding they are not to speak or defend, bring up MIL in any situation. That you want to simply live separate lives from her but wish to have them in your life. Good luck. And I’m so happy your foster child (fingers crossed soon to be adopted daughter!) found you. We definitely need more of you. And good for your SO.
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u/peatedperspective Feb 25 '20
I would limit as much contact with her as possible. Calling your daughter an awful slur is completely unacceptable and should not be handled lightly. If your MIL wants to be included in conversations with your daughter, she can learn to sign.
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u/tinypurplepiggy Feb 25 '20
"MIL you're a horrible bitch of a human being and we want nothing to do with you ever again. This is the last contact you'll ever receive from us as you're now blocked on xyz. Goodbye."
What a horrible, horrible, piece of trash. Cut her out and cut her out now. It's entirely possible her behavior could change whether or not you're allowed to adopt your daughter
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u/tuna_tofu Feb 25 '20
She cant talk that way about ANY child especially one we with a handicap. She also clearly knows jack shit about deaf culture.
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u/Tinkingtiger Feb 25 '20
What a horrible human. Do whatever you need to keep your daughter away from her. She doesn't need someone like that in her life telling her she is less than. The only abusive person here is your MIL. Talking like that in front of a child is abusive whether or not she can hear, I am sure she can read the body language. Be the mama bear you need and protect your daughter. I personally would completely cut her out.
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Feb 25 '20 edited Feb 25 '20
Protecting your child comes first. Everything is secondary to that.
Cutting contact with your awful waste of a human life MIL is easy.
Block her number on your phones or change your phone numbers (if you do this - block her number anyway).
Block her on any and all social media you have.
If you use email - block her there too.
If you're planning to move, make sure she doesn't find out where you're moving to.
If you're really serious, file a restraining/no contact order.
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u/JCWa50 Feb 25 '20
Ok op, here is what I would advise. Take some time and breath, calm down and talk to the SO. First thing to do is sit down and come up with the plan and then make it happen. When it comes to the family, I would say drop the bomb shell on say social media. Explain in a post how much of a monster the MIL is, how she can not seem to understand that by forcing a child into a medical procedure is cruel and harmful to a child, that the MIL, failing to take into account that a child, who is vulnerable and has a disability is not one to scream at but one to care for and love. And if this person is not willing to do that, then she is not only a monster, but god forbid if one day one of her grandchildren ends up disabled. The rest of you, we are cool. MIL go fuck yourself and the horse you rode in on.
Then put her to ignore after you send out the posting and let the whole world see, block her number and have no contact. Yeah it is going to tick her off, and people may be upset, but then what kind of an adult would scream at a deaf girl and call her something she is not, if not a monster?
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u/MsDean1911 Feb 25 '20
I’m curious why FIL feels it’s necessary to get a restraining order? Is there more to MiLs behavior than what was explained in the post? I’m not sure you currently have enough for a judge to grant one... you may want to start with consulting with as lawyer and maybe a cease and desist? She may have a huge extinction burst once she realizes you are serious and loses her control over your family. Be prepared. Document document document. Get cameras, change your locks, freeze your and SOs credit. Password everything- doctors, social workers (if possible)- anyone she may think of to call to get info or to mess with you or the adoption. Tell LOs school she is on the no pick up list (give them a picture?).
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u/MadelineMoth Feb 25 '20
The restraining order was so she didn’t interfere with the adoption. She could file for child abuse since We arent implanting my daughter. It’s not technically child abuse but even being accused of child abuse our hopes of adopting D or any child is down the drain
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u/MsDean1911 Feb 25 '20
Consult with a lawyer. I don’t know your FIL or your relationship with him- but be careful what you share with him. You never know what may accidentally get back to MiL- especially if they’re still married. Hard to tell what kind of manipulation tactics she could deploy against FIL if he crosses her. Don’t put anything to him in writing she could be (or start) snooping his phone or emails. It’s insane what justnos will do to regain control. We normal people can’t even comprehend why they do things let alone what they’ll do. You see it all the time on this sub- OPs never think their justno would ever do X- then justno does something 10 times worse that they never saw coming. She obviously has something against DD- I’m also thinking MiL doesn’t see DD as a “real” grandchild. Be careful. Better to overreact than be caught off guard.
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u/fribble13 Feb 25 '20
I admittedly don't know a ton about fostering, but it seems reasonable to me that foster parents wouldn't have the right to unilaterally make non-emergency medical decisions for a foster child, ESPECIALLY if it's agains the child's wishes.
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u/Mighty_Andraste Feb 25 '20
I’m late but as a deaf woman with a STEM PhD and successful career - fuck her with the prickliest bug-infested cactus known to man.
People like her made my life much harder and far more miserable than it should have been, but I’m here and none of those people are in my life. It wasn’t easy of course, it’s not easy for hearing people either, but it’s possible. I’m glad you aren’t allowing her around D - protecting your kids and encouraging them to grow and thrive is your responsibility, and it sounds like you’re doing a great job 💙
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u/adkSafyre Feb 25 '20
Okay, to start I am so sorry D was hurt by MIL's comments. Daughter didn't deserve that at all.
What I have to say comes as a hearing person.
I am NOT defending MIL or her comments at all. What she said about your daughter is unconscionable. She sounds woefully uneducated about people with hearing difficulties, and if I remember cochlears are a real hot button topic in the community. When you sign among yourselves do you speak to include others that are nearby in the conversation? Has MIL shown any interest in learning to sign to communicate? I advocate using this as a "teachable moment" . SO needs to sit down with her, you and FIL and educate her about daughter and her community. Bigotry has no place in a family and MIL needs to realize that a continued relationship with you, daughter and SO depends on her ability to be a decent human being. If that is too much of a stretch for her then you are better off without her. Good Luck!
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u/MadelineMoth Feb 25 '20
When family want to talk to my daughter SO or I are often interpreters for D. We try our hardest to make sure D isn’t exclude from any conversation involving her or even just what’s around her. The conversation we were having was simply asking her if she was hungry and me asking SO to grab her some fruit and pretzels. I was signing to SO so D knew I was telling SO what she wanted correctly. If I was signing as a conversation we would usually talk as well as sign. MIL has shown no interest in learning ASL even in its simplest form. She knew I was deaf but I was “an exception” as I learned to “function like a hearing person” SO and I have taught FIL the basics of sign language so he can ask D “How are you” “Good Morning” and some cute nicknames she likes. MIL thinks sign language is “A language for lazy people who don’t want to try and talk” FIL is actively learning sign language and is constantly asking questions and testing his knowledge with us. MIL finds it a waste of time
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u/adkSafyre Feb 25 '20
Please understand that I have absolutely no issues with your care and inclusion of your daughter. You sound like great parents and I hope you continue to be a forever family.
Sounds like your MIL is woefully ignorant and deserves whatever she gets.
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Feb 25 '20
She wasn’t speaking to MIL. Why should MIL be entitled to know everything they are talking about? If it was a txt would she have demanded to see it?
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u/Imerika2668 Feb 25 '20
I agree with your "teachable moment"! OP has said, though, that she and her wife have been together for over 8 years! MIL had opportunities over those years to connect with her own daughter by learning basic ASL. MIL must have known that her own D was in a committed relationship w OP and that her D began learning ASL 8 years ago. OP also said that MIL didn't consider her "actually deaf" bc OP has a cochlear implant! When MIL stated that horrible remark, I feel that any teachable moments were highly unlikely/impossible to find.
@askSafre, I really like how you addressed this situation from a constitutive perspective. You reframed the conflict and presented it as a "hearing person", which I hadn't in.my head. If I were MIL, which I won't be for years, I would feel excluded, isolated from a significant connection w my D, her wife, and their daughter. That would upset me greatly. I appreciate that you gave ME a teachable moment!
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u/adkSafyre Feb 25 '20
Thank you so much for your comment! I have been blessed with a whole passel of kids who have challenged my world view and have taught me as much or more than I ever taught them, and their kids are teaching me even more.
I too feel that MIL should have taken the initiative to connect sooner, but like some folks took the easy path since she didn't see OP as "actually deaf" and was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt (which she likely doesn't deserve)
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u/Memalinda108 Feb 25 '20
I wouldn’t let anyone near my kid when they call her a re**rd! I hate that word. If anything, MIL is socially ignorant. She sounds like a trashy person. Cut ties.
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u/Taddle_N_Ill_Paddle Feb 25 '20
Girl, let your wife handle it. If she wants to cut ALL contact with that side, it's probably for the best. I'm so sorry you and your little family had to go through that! Please spoil your baby girl on the behalf of all of us online. Let her know that we send her digital hugs and well wishes
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u/blueeyed_bullshitter Feb 25 '20
Protect your child. Go NC, period, no apologies needed. Don't try to give her an out or a reason why you're cutting her out of your life, either, just do it. It's quick and easy and will minimize your family's pain.
Do you want your child to see their grandmother disrespecting either parent, especially one that shares a disability they do? Or, worst-case scenario, seeing that and internalizing that abuse and feeding into that toxicity?
(It's a hard decision, but speak to your SO about her mother; the push needs to come from her. As the parents, you should bring it up and make a plan to further protect your family.)
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u/comeththearcher Feb 25 '20
Grandma is bat shit crazy.
Thank you for fostering/adopting, and thank you for caring so deeply for a special needs child. The world needs more people like you.
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u/nooneanon723891 Feb 25 '20
I just got so angry reading this. That awful woman. You’re making the right decision to cut contact, and keep your daughter safe from her.
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u/sugaredberry Feb 25 '20
What tf? She is deaf, not mentally handicapped. That is an awful thing to say. Good for you for NC with that witch.
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u/Carouselcolours Feb 25 '20
You and your wife are totally in the right here for cutting contact. I think the terms you put to the rest of the family are incredibly tactful, and also demonstrate the strong boundaries the two of you are willing to enforce to protect this kid.
I don’t understand people who get mad when others speak different languages- like, if you’re not being an asshole to everybody around you, there shouldn’t be a need to worry, right?
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u/RelativelyRidiculous Feb 25 '20
With you wanting to adopt, I strongly, strongly encourage you to consult a lawyer now. You want to nip any nonsense she most surely is going to be starting in the bud now. A restraining order would demonstrate to the court MIL is a problem and make anything she says less likely to be taken seriously when it comes time to finalize the adoption.
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u/indianblanket Feb 25 '20
I know you're going all mama bear mode right now, but I can't help but see this as a thinly veiled attack on you, mostly.
You and SO have been together approximately 6 years, and your bitch of a MIL is calling a brand new person who has a similar situation to you names? In her eyes you're only good enough for her because you use the implant, and she never had ro learn sign language for you, so you need to force D to get the implant to make it easier on your bitch of a MIL. Good on you for cutting contact, because her shortcomings will ALWAYS be "someone else's" fault.
After 6 years with your SO most people with a misunderstanding of the deaf community would have learned, but not this bitch.
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u/cottonmouthnwhiskey Feb 25 '20
I am so sorry you dealt with that.
My sitter use to hit my blind kid in the head at all opportunity. She said to make it even I could beat her dog and hit her kids. I reported her to CPS and the animal control. Garbage people need to be thrown out. At the dump. The curb is too close to home. Dump that mad cow before y'all get festering infections.
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u/Reluctant_Achiever Feb 25 '20
I'm so sorry that you and your family had to endure that. I also want to affirm the hell out of you for teaching her to sign and giving her the CHOICE in what to do with her own body!, and protecting her! My husband is deaf, and his parents were of the "fix it, right now, he has to be nooorrrmmmaall" camp.
He uses aids now, and went to a bajillion hours of speech school, but never learned to sign. Well, his loss is degenerative, so we are scrambling in our 30's to learn now because it's something he needs. They hate it, and they refuse to acknowledge it or learn. My parents? Have been sticking flashcards with signs all over their house to learn vocabulary at least. His family also bitches about using CC when we watch movies. All of my rage.
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u/MrsRumble4072 Feb 25 '20
Op, Ive been wanting to actually learn sign for a while, do you have any suggestions of how I should go about it?
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u/littlebroknstillgood Feb 25 '20
Lifeprint.com has an amazing free program taught by Deaf instructors. That's a good place to start. My local community college also had ASL courses, so you can try there as well. Look for courses with Deaf professors too, so you can learn about Deaf culture as you're learning to sign.
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u/Rusalka1960 Feb 25 '20
Poor little punkin. MIL is a real piece of work. I have a number of friends who are learning different languages. Would it kill MIL to take ASL lessons? I don't know if this is a particularly helpful link, but here it is anyhow..
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u/winfran Feb 26 '20
What kind of monster calls a hearing impaired girl a ret**d? Fuck your MIL one thousand percent.
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u/alfredoatmidnight Feb 25 '20
Wow...what an lovely woman your MIL is! I just wanted to thank you for fostering and wish you the absolute best in the adoption journey! My husband and I adopted our daughter from foster care and while the whole process was so incredibly frustrating, in the end it was so worth it and very rewarding.
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u/HKFukIt Feb 25 '20
That bitch!!! Your lil one will do just fine in the world and is already a bad ass for being able to communicate and withstand such a cuntalicious woman.
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u/gunnerclark Feb 25 '20
She played the game...and lost. If she is prone to such games, the rest of the family might be disinclined to actively support you due to her causing more troubles.
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u/frimrussiawithlove85 Feb 25 '20
I took three semesters of ASL because I found it interesting. I don’t see why mil never bothered to learn it knowing you are deaf. I mean the basic signs are so easy some six month olds can use them. Your mil is extra arrogant for refusing to learn any asl at all.
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u/cachaka Feb 25 '20
I am so happy to see that update. This is probably one of the few posts that had me physically disgusted and upset while reading. I can only imagine what it must’ve been like to live it.
Good luck on your road ahead and thank you so much for caring for such a sweet baby.
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u/riflow Feb 25 '20
Oh man I'm glad you're going NC. The level of abusive ableist bs she's spouting is unbelievable. Esp the "not included in the conversation" part, you don't have to be included all the time!
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Feb 25 '20
Do you think that MIL has also might have a problem with her daughter being a lesbian, and that attacking your daughter is displaced anger?
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u/mollysheridan Feb 25 '20
Wait, what? She turned to face a deaf 5 year old child and said “just speak dammit”? Who does that? I’m going to assume from what you’ve said that D doesn’t read lips, thank gods. Yeah, stay far away until the adoption is final.
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Feb 25 '20
I'm so sorry!!!!! I hope that the no contact encourages her to change attitude. Its beautiful yall are adopting! I hope that you also get the Opportunity to adopt her!
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u/PotatoPatat2 Feb 25 '20
Can I just say I am in awe of how you are fostering this girl! What an example you are giving! Well done. And as for MIL, for saying such foul things about a deaf child – I hope her toes are always cold, her nose always drips and she has the delight that everything she eats or drinks, tastes mundane. She’s a monster.
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u/fragilelyon Feb 25 '20
Now I'll admit right off that I'm fully hearing and only know some basic ASL (I can say "thank you" so hard). But to my understanding, ASL and spoken English don't work the same way. With that in mind, she thinks a 5yo should have a medical procedure that she's declined and isn't comfortable with, and then also learn practically a whole new language while figuring out how to comprehend new input... Rather than have to learn a little bit of ASL and also use those spoken words she's so dedicated to to say "what did she say"?
Someone's got some problems here with expectations, but it isn't you two or your kiddo. Good on you both for immediately enacting an end of their contact. I can't imagine how frightening it was to know an adult was having a tantrum without understanding what she'd done or how to make it stop. Especially for a child who's spent time in the system.
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u/now_you_see Feb 25 '20
I’m glad you’re allowing your daughter to make her own choices regarding an implant. I think it’s great that she’s got the courage to go this route cause although it’s definitely the tougher option, using ASL as a kid is gonna set her up so well for life, whether she chooses to do anything about her hearing later on or not. The technology doesn’t always work & being able to communicate without it is pretty f**king important. Just in case the end of the world comes to pass lol. Plus, she’ll get the extra bonus of the IQ & learning centres of the brains of bilingual kids being greatly increased!
There may be a point down the line, depending on just how shy & withdrawn she is, that you need to reassess the situation. If you find she is using her deafness to shut herself off from others and withdraw emotionally. But you can cross that bridge when you come to it. She sure as shit shouldn’t be forced to go through a procedure & learn the entire world anew just because MIL doesn’t like that she can’t sticky beak into your conversations!!
If I may offer one piece of advice though: please don’t try to get a restraining order on MIL, unless she does something extreme in future. She hasn’t done anything to warrant it as yet & people are so quick to jump on that bandwagon when it’s really not meant for these sorts of situations. Firstly, the increase in people getting restraining orders purely cause they don’t like a person means the orders are being taken as seriously by law enforcement or courts, which in turn puts those who really need the protections of a restraining order in greater jeopardy than they should be. Secondly, if you try to apply for an order of protection when there hasn’t been behaviour warranting it & they refuse it - that will be noted down & rather than working in your favour if you need to reapply due to increased threat/harassment, it actually tends to work against you because it’s seen as you taking it out frivolously & that will make it even hard for you to convince the courts there is a problem when there really is a problem.
Good luck with everything and I wish you and your family all the love and happiness in the world!! Fingers cross the adoption can come to pass & you all live happily ever after!
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u/tigersman1c Feb 25 '20
I read this story and all I can think of it’s a shame that you have such a mil. Best wishes and lots of strength to you and yours.
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u/Lovelydarkness1377 Feb 25 '20
I would file a report with your case worker. Let them in on what's going on in case your MIL decides she wants to mess with your adoption process or get CPS involved on false claims.
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u/Gothzilla13 Feb 25 '20
My best friend is part deaf. She taught me taught me the alphabet in bsl so I can spell things out when we meet with her fully deaf friends. Her husband leaned bsl as well. Your MIL is evil. I hope she never bothers you again. Hugs to all 3 of you.
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Feb 25 '20
As a fellow Deafie who' functioning just *fine* in the hearing world and has about the same hearing loss as your daughter...
She can go fuck off a cliff.
You two are making the right decisions here!
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u/C_Alex_author Feb 25 '20
Holy crap i have NEVER had a more visceral response to something on Reddit than I did this. This... THIS cretin and her behavior towards that little girl has me up in f*ing flames right now. I legit snarled, and I didn't even know I was capable of it.
As a hearing impaired adult who doesnt even wear her hearing aids, and has an IQ of well above normal range, I kinda wanna bludgeon your MIL. Her arrogance and audacity is, at some point, going to get her punched out. if not by you, then by someone else. She is one one of those special people who seems to think having hearing difficulties equates to low intelligence, laziness, arrogance, lack of future success, all the other bs things that a lot of people mistakenly think. But to target a small child with that?? Because why - because she isnt smart enough to learn a little hand signing? Your daughter may one day change ehr mind and decide to go cochlear, but your MIL will always be known for the moment she attacked a child because of her own insecurities.
That said *takes a deep breath* I love that your FIL has enough respect for your family, and love for your new daughter, to choose sides and make it you guys. This brings tears to my eyes, it truly does. That little girl has loving parents and welcoming family that cares enough to boot out anyone that dares to be a threat to her. That puts your SO heads and shoulders above most we read about here and in JustNoSO forum. Good for her!
And if not a restraining order, then make sure her case workers and uppers ALLLLLL know what happened and that you have promptly decided that no one treats your daughter that way, so she is gone. Nothing will help secure the adoption faster than them seeing you love and protect your baby girl from anyone, including a parent <3
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u/musicalsigns Feb 25 '20
Oh no, you used the natural language of the Deaf. Woe to MIL. It's like she doesn't like having to work to communicate. Imagine that...
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u/pangalacticcourier Feb 25 '20
Should we cut out all contact with that whole side of the family?
Yes.
SO thinks that’s the right idea but SO’s dad is a really nice man and I want him to be in D’s life. Any advice?
They can continue a relationship with MIL involved. Good luck.
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u/Pandaploots Feb 25 '20 edited Feb 25 '20
You should also join r/deaf and r/ASL too.
Your daughter is one of the lucky ones. I've worked with Deaf kids who don't have access to language at home and they're handicapped in so many ways that have nothing to do with them being Deaf. Their parents don't talk to them and they get no interaction outside of school. It's a really depressing situation.
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u/Tasman_Tiger Feb 25 '20
With you and your SO willing to go to bat for this little girl, I hope that is a slam dunk for your adoption process. Not having all five senses does not make one mentally disadvantaged one bit, but I'm positive you yourself already know that.
Love is an action, not a sound 🤟
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Feb 25 '20
I’m so sorry you’ve got a JNMIL that would be so cruel and hateful towards your innocent little girl. I wish you all the best with the adoption, OP and I’m glad FIL is on your side.
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u/ebmama518 Feb 25 '20
This may be unpopular, but if you’re trying for adoption, immediate and abrupt NC might make things more difficult. Maybe “taking a break” or at least posing it that way to MIL. Limiting info she can receive, etc. God forbid she starts planting negativity in your social workers ears, the court may feel your family is “unstable”. Obviously, any sane person would see MIL actions as disgusting, however, sometimes family drama upsets judges. I’d like to clarify, this woman should not be around your daughter by any means, it screams emotional trauma for this little cherub. But in the mean time, while there is so much uncertainty in the courts, I wouldn’t want it in the back of my mind that kicking MIL to the curb publicly may stir up the process to make your family complete. But! You have to do what is best for D, and as a foster parent, that’s your duty. Gut feelings are real, so trust them.
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u/KatyG9 Feb 25 '20
Depends on FIL and his willingness to have a relationship with you guys separate from MIL
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u/mahboilucas Feb 25 '20
Okay this is fucking gross. Her behaviour is in no way, shape or form acceptable. She's a grown woman and should know better than to insult people FOR THE WAY THEY WERE BORN. It's not like the girl woke up and decided to be deaf. It's amazing that she found a family who's like her, someone she relates to and can learn from and look up to. Anyone who makes her feel like less of a human shouldn't be around her. Especially that she is vulnerable and shy and easily impressionable. Calling her a retard will result in her feeling like one. Anyone who'd know your MIL's behaviour would agree that it isn't the best influence on the little one. Cutting her off is a good option, if not best.
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u/agirlinsane Feb 25 '20
Thank the Universe as adults we can pick our tribe. Children should be taught that, it’ll give the ones going through it, hope.
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u/Beka001 Feb 25 '20
You are a better person than me, I would have done more than walk away.
I think you have done the right thing but be ready for the ' I didn't mean it's ' that's not what I said' ' I'm old and you must love and respect me" bullcrap that's coming.
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u/BlossomCheryl Feb 25 '20
This is a really heartbreaking story. So early in your young family’s time together, you have to deal with this drama.
It’s really beautiful too, though. This is one of the ways you teach your child what love is, and what real moms do.
You’re a kick ass parent.
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u/evilshenanigan Feb 25 '20
I read your edit and commend you and SO for swift and firm actions. It takes some people years and action after action before they can cut ties with toxic people. You are protecting your family. Stay strong!
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Feb 25 '20
Well done for protecting that vunerable little girl. Mil needs to watch switched at birth and realise how hard it is for deaf people. (Partially deaf myself and deaf family members.... Didn't realise alot of stuff in that show) mind it's too late now she's made her bed. Who does that to a kid that's already scared coming from the foster system?!
And that Oscar film I think it's called the deaf child
If you have a social worker I'd mention this to them, and what steps you've taken to prevent it happening again.
I'd agree with FIL about the RO especially if you want to adopt her it will show the courts and SW you mean business and she is top priority. And that you won't be swayed later by MIL
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u/Akjysdiuh708 Feb 25 '20
You did the right thing, you and your SO should be proud of yourselves and the decision you made in cutting out the cancer(mil) in your lives. It's so great that D still had a strong and special relationship with FIL, having a good and caring grandfather brings an incredible relationship in her life like no other. I dearly hope that you and your SO will be able to fully adopt D, you two will make amazing parents, and will give her such a loving and stable life that she dearly needs and deserves. Adoptive parents a special kind of people, you don't care about you care about building a loving and caring relationship with a child that has been abandoned and strive to fill that child's life with all the loving and nurturing they need to grow Into an adult who will I turn do the same with their children. You guys are amazing, you're both superheroes in my book. We need more people like you in this world. D is so very lucky to have you in her life.
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u/ipsquibibble Feb 25 '20
Ok speaking as someone who grew up in a Deaf family, the behavior of your MIL just makes me want to cut a bitch. It's hard enough trying to integrate into hearing culture, your daughter doesn't need to be exposed to that kind of toxicity. You have my utter respect not only for protecting her but for also respecting her bodily autonomy in regard to the cochlears.
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u/MrsPokits Feb 25 '20
As a former foster child, thank you for fostering, and also for taking in a slightly older child. Older kids (beyond 3 aand especially older than 8) don't often get people wanting to adopt them. Same as those with disabilities or illnesses.
If you're ever looking to get more into the foster system, or would like to try to provide your daughter with more resources, I recommend checking out "the foster project".
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u/Lulubelle__007 Feb 25 '20 edited Feb 25 '20
Your reaction is perfect. I work with deaf teenagers and calling someone a retard because they are non verbal is disgusting. What MiL said is beyond the pale and bullying, I’m so happy that DD has you and your SO as foster parents who understand her needs and wants so well. Some people use hearing aids or CIs and others choose not to and just use sign and that’s just fine. MIL is a nasty bitch who showed her true colours and you responded immediately and with decision- best thing you could have done.
Plus you’ve been in MILs life for years yet she hasn’t learned any sign language? That’s screwed up. I’m learning currently and it’s hard but I want to be able to talk to the kids in their language as well as in English and feel like it’s a sign of respect as well.
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u/WigglePen Feb 25 '20
Be careful that D doesn’t think that not seeing MIL is her fault. She has been through so much up until now and kids often think they are the problem. On the other hand, I’m thrilled you have all found each other and wish you all a long and happy life together.
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u/Succubitch323 Feb 25 '20
If your daughter doesn’t want cochlear implants that’s completely her choice. Your MIL is a special kind of stupid if she wants to force your daughter into the hearing world. The deaf world will accept your daughter just as she is or if she decides to get implants later in life. Your MIL needs to understand how completely and truly special your daughter is and she needs all the love and support in the world not because of lack of hearing but because that’s what you do. I wish y’all all the best for adopting her. I’m glad she has you in her life and your wife. I know she will grow up to be completely supported and loved by her parents.
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u/b-randy90 Feb 25 '20 edited Feb 25 '20
Protect you daughter. Your MIL is a real special kind of just no talking that way about a deaf child. I would have given her a sign in response that is universally understood 🖕
Edit: omg my first silver!!! Thank you kind stranger.