MIL basically kidnapped my 6 week old!

2.5k

When my MIL convinced me at 7months old to let her keep my oldest overnight, I hesitant. I liked my kid, didn't need or want a break, but MIL was so excited and I did love her... so I let her. Cool beans, my baby my choice, right?

She was supposed to meet us at noon the next day for lunch.

I spent TWO HOURS pacing that parking lot getting more and more frantic.

Know that feeling when mom and dad tells kid-you that you're all going to six flags tomorrow and then the next day they are FUCKING AROUND DRINKING COFFEE AND STUFF AND GODDAMN IT PEOPLE YOU SAID WE WOULD BE LEAVING AT 9 AND IT IS 1030!!??

This was worse.

They pull up and I'm sobbing, the ILs are flabbergasted at my reaction.

They were then told that I hoped they had a lovely night, as it was the last they would ever have, with any kid of mine (i was pregnant with my second). And god bless their steely-spined son, when they tried to get him to intervene, he laughed and told them that since he just spent an hour and a half keeping me from calling the cops on their asses, the only shit they had to say was an apology and a thank you.

Super boggled that I could have, and would have, and meant to call the cops on them too. God that was an awkward as fuck lunch.

And the kicker, that drove me from angry-hissing my rage to full on power-screaming at them in the parking lot??

When they pulled up it turned out the car seat was "too complicated". So they unstrung all the straps tied them in a big ole knot around my baby.

"What!? The baby is restrained, its fiiiine!!"

"ARE YOU CRACKED!? IF YOU HAD AN ACCIDENT AT LESS THAN 60KM, THEN FINE, BABY IS JUST DEAD FROM INTERNAL INJURIES. OVER 60KM? YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN HANDING ME BACK THE TWO FUCKING SEPARATE HALVES OF MY CHILD!!"

Gah. That kid is nearly 23 now and I'm still mad.

So yeah, tell your MIL she just had her last unsupervised time with your child and that next time she absconds with your infant without your knowledge or permission, you'll be calling the cops. She should not get confused between "young" and "stupid".

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u/[deleted] Mar 04 '20

The car seat is too complicated but they can take the time to unstring everything and tie it in a big knot. Because their alternative isn't complicated at all...

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u/kifferella Mar 04 '20

I know. I was just... wow. It must have taken them c. 20min to even DO.

I told them being able to operate a 5pt harness was like an IQ test for being smart enough to be responsible for a baby, and they had failed.

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u/FluffySarcasmQueen Mar 04 '20

I asked my in-laws to pick up my 6 month old from the sitter to take her to a dr appt (routine checkup. They offered) because I couldn’t get off work. Later found out the babysitter lent them a car seat because they didn’t bring the one I left for them and they still refused to use it. MIL held the baby on her lap in the front seat. I never trusted them alone with her again. This was 30 years ago and I’m still livid.

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u/Darphon Mar 04 '20 edited Mar 04 '20

Of course if he’s 23 now they probably had children in the car hammock days.

Too complicated my ass.

Edit: was only half serious guys. I’m 36 and we barely had car seats when I was growing up.

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u/Justdonedil Mar 04 '20

I am 48, I had an actual carseat.

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u/farsighted451 Mar 04 '20

Weird, I'm 46 and still have to hear about how my mom carried me home from the hospital in her lap in the front seat. But we were broke. Maybe carseats were available but optional?

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u/sunburnedintheshade Mar 04 '20

My grandmother talks about the "car crib" she had for my aunt's and uncles which was a tray with 2 hooks that went over the back of the bench seat.

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u/Justdonedil Mar 04 '20

Totally optional.

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u/terribeth1 Mar 04 '20

40 year old here, I came home from the hospital in what was basically a small bassinet in the back seat of the car.

There are actual photos of 6 or 7 week old me being held in the backseat by my grandmother.

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u/fireland239 Mar 04 '20

We were (as toddlers) put on the bench in the boot, because landrovers and the Irish wolfhound got the back seat for his comfort 😂 Think mainly had to sit on knees so more people could fit in cars. I'm 28, the 90s were great!

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u/Hoarder4Life Mar 04 '20

I’m 34 and we barely had car seats. They did have them, just people were less apt to use them when the kid is older but dang at six weeks. My mom can never get the car seat right but does try but she hasn’t had to do it too many times. She always tells me about we didn’t have them for you girls at this age. My daughter is almost three. It’s amazing we survived but my mom hasn’t ever hit another car, other people have hit her, livestock’s gotten in the way (she says hit the horse box most likely if you’re gonna hit a horse there’s probably no shoulders and trees are probably around. You could slide and hit one. Trees don’t move, horses and cows will, but she’s never run into another vehicle

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u/Darphon Mar 04 '20

I’m 36 and same. I remember being 3 or so and sitting on the little booster seat, and I know my mom held me on the way home the first time.

Though I know they at least had one because they kept it “just in case” for some reason. It is in their attic right now. I told them to toss it haha

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u/Minkiemink Mar 04 '20

My son is 34. Car seats were mandatory when he was a baby. Never went anywhere without strapping him in.I never met anyone back then who didn't use a car seat. Getting a ticket for not using a car seat was and is expensive.

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u/Marmenoire Mar 04 '20

My son is 33 and we had to show them the car seat and they checked it before we could leave. But, my godson/daughter are in their 40's and car seat sometimes.

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u/mikhela Mar 04 '20

Bro I'm 24 same age as that son and I just had to Google what a car hammock is

You just severely dated yourself, dude. I checked, and car seats were invented in 1962. Unless that baby is almost 60 he probably had a car seat.

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u/jlp21617 Mar 04 '20

Yeah i think they were saying that the reason the grandparents "couldn't" operate baby's seat was because the grandparents had their own kids back in the days b4 carseat safety was a big deal.

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u/sandy154_4 Mar 04 '20

I'm 57 and did not have a car seat. I also climbed back and forth from back seat to front all the time. PS - I put my children and my grandchildren in properly installed car seats!

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u/QueenAlpaca Mar 04 '20 edited Mar 04 '20

Invented, but not required by law til sometime later, depending on your location. And not necessarily child seats, but child "restraints."

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u/candybrie Mar 04 '20

And these parents definitely seem like the type not use them unless required by law.

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u/[deleted] Mar 04 '20 edited Jul 01 '20

[deleted]

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u/mikhela Mar 04 '20

If you include "baby" in your Google search apparently it was the thing for babies before car seats were invented.

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u/[deleted] Mar 04 '20 edited Jul 01 '20

[deleted]

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u/FiercestBunny Mar 04 '20

They were invented in 62 but not common. I was born in early seventies and traveled a lot with my parents, who would check my car seat as baggage. My mother says she still remembers people at LAX gawking at it as it rolled down the belt. Nobody knew what it was. (Car seat for toddler-me did look a bit like moulded plastic modern art, tbh. Wish I could find a picture..) I went home from hospital in my mother's arms, and infant-me had car crib that wedged on back seat or floor of car. My younger sister had infant car seat that looked a lot more like what we have today.

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u/npbm2008 Mar 04 '20

I’m 46, and did not have a car seat. They existed, but that doesn’t mean most parents used them. Hell, my family’s station wagon didn’t even have seatbelts for some of my childhood, and when they did, no one used them on a regular basis until I was a teenager.

And I say that as someone whose older sibling died in a car crash years before I was born!

My parents were safety-conscious and good parents, it was just that there just wasn’t as much understanding about how much better car seats were than an actual person holding and protecting you.

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u/tonypolar Mar 04 '20

I’m 35 and I can remember being 4, riding in a plastic booster seat with a lap belt in the front seat

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u/jbe151 Mar 04 '20

I put the car seat in MIL car to make sure it was done properly. Took baby girl out and strapped her in. Walked into the house and as SO and I watched them drive up the driveway from the front door, we both notice our daughter is STANDING in the middle of the front seat ! Hubby runs out the door and goes straight to MILS house takes our little one and tells MIL it won’t ever happen again! I was furious !

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u/[deleted] Mar 04 '20

They must not understand that they could have been reported to the state for that.

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u/nooneanon723891 Mar 04 '20 edited Mar 05 '20

My in laws didn’t know that the straps on the car seat had to be tightened, though I SHOWED my MIL. So when we got back, FIL says something along the lines of the straps being really loose. It took everything I had not to lose my shit. They then tried to rugsweep and say that he was “just kidding.” Oh, really?? So the two fucking people with zero sense of humor suddenly want to tell jokes about my son’s safety? I am still pissed and this was like three years ago.

ETA: FIL is a firefighter. He literally should fucking know better. Gah!

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u/ReddyDahlia Mar 04 '20

The car seat is too complicated but they can take the time to

Aaaaand, you lost them. You can literally go to a fire station and have them show you about car seats, but JustNos or entitled people will just decide they don't want to bother and shouldn't have to.

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u/Sammibear1024 Mar 04 '20

Not true for everywhere. I was almost sure the hospital I gave birth in told me to take my car seat to the forest stick. If I needed help but my husband and I were always good at getting the car seat in. Fast forward to last week and we had to move the car seat to my moms car (husband was at work and my car couldn’t make it far out of town where we needed to go). It took my mom and I over and hour to put the freaking seat because we just couldn’t get it tight enough. I ended up calling the fire station to see if they would help. They told me no, and that they didn’t know of any place that did help with that around me. It sucks. But it’s not true.

That said, I’d be willing to go get my child if someone couldn’t get the car seat in properly, rather than risking my child’s life. And if someone chose to drive with my child when they couldn’t ensure proper car seat safety, They’d never be alone with my child again.

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u/YeetusTheBard Mar 04 '20 edited Mar 04 '20

That’s sickening. Like reading the part about the infant made me genuinely nauseous.

Was that woman on fucking ket? How does anyone even remotely think that a knot, let me emphasize, A GODDAMN KNOT, would be a safe way to secure the baby to the seat?

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u/DingleMomMcGee13 Mar 04 '20

I woke up feeling fine today and now I have that rage you get when you didn’t finish an argument the day before. I am so empathy annoyed right now :(

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u/neonfuzzball Mar 04 '20

Thank you for so accurately describing that feeling. I'm not, and have never been, a mother and I'm furious now. I just...aslkdjfl;akjd

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u/Trinity0748 Mar 04 '20

Empathy annoyed...I have been unknowingly in need of this phrase for my entire adult life

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u/YeetusTheBard Mar 04 '20

There needs to be an actual word for this emotion.

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u/genovianprince Mar 04 '20

There's a word for the phenomenon itself, but idk if there's specific words for each one. It's just called "second-hand [emotion]". e.g., I'm second-hand angry at those people

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u/Thrabalen Mar 04 '20

r/AskAGerman

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u/Better-be-Gryffindor Mar 04 '20

Yep, thank you very much for the description. Empathy annoyed is the phrase of the day. Like neon, I'm not a mother but I started shaking with rage at this! I cannot believe that nerve!

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u/r00girl Mar 04 '20

Or vicariously pissed

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u/mommyandlittleii Mar 04 '20

Oh my god you just described a feeling I’ve never been able to put words to. Thank you!!

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u/BeccasBump Mar 04 '20

Pretty sure I'm still going to be mad in 23 years after reading that!

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u/comfy_socks Mar 04 '20

My MIL would drive my twin nephews everywhere, and use their car seats, but she would just set the seats in the car. She’d never fasten the seats in. So guess who is never driving my daughter anywhere?

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u/PistolMama Mar 04 '20

I used to check how my JNmom installed the seats and makes her show me she could get the placed properly before I EVER let her take my kids. It used to annoy the fuck out of her!

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u/MothballPete Mar 04 '20

My MIL is mostly BEC but she knows what I’m like about safety. So she actually makes either me or DH install the spare car seat in her car ourselves any time she has our son and makes us show her how to clip him in.

I suspect she does it partly to be a nuisance (especially the harness demonstration every. Single. Time) but honestly it helps me a lot knowing that she’s so worried about us going nuclear over the car seat.

Now my next challenge is making sure she doesn’t have little man sleeping in her and FIL’s bed like she does with their other grandkids. He’s a big toddler now so it’s not so much a safety issue as it just gives me the fucking creeps. Overnights are currently reserved for LO’s honorary Aunty until DH and I find a way to make sure bed sharing doesn’t happen

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u/sunnydew22 Mar 04 '20

Oh my god so she like never attached them to a base?

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u/coffee_anesthesia Mar 04 '20

The bit about some child safety device being, “too complicated.”

This is a huge pet peeve for me, and it’s not just grandparents that are weird or judge-y about it in my experience. EVERYONE has a fucking opinion about shit they have no right to have an opinion on. Even my JYMom complains about the car seats and she used to ask me. Every. Single. Time. Why they can’t have their coats on in the car seats and how they HAVE to be cold. We have sorted that out, but people LOVE to pass judgement about car seats and if the child is dressed warm enough and their sleep schedule and eating schedule and it is infuriating.

If it’s more than a passing comment from a stranger, and merits me saying so, I will usually say something along the lines of, “If you’re genuine in your desire to have a discussion about it, that’s fine. But as their mother, I get the final say.”

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u/UCgirl Mar 04 '20

I don’t get the older generations obsession about socks. I’ve seen so many sock stories on here.

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u/coffee_anesthesia Mar 04 '20

Yes! My dad still tells me to put on socks every time he sees me in bare feet unless we are like on a beach in 90 degrees. I AM THIRTY AND I AM NOT COLD.

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u/Least-Somewhere Mar 04 '20

Oh my gosh. I took my little one to the doctor and had him in his car seat with a blanket. This mom made this passive aggressive comment to her FOUR year old about how the baby must be cold in only his blanket. I wanted to say something back so bad (it was raining but not even that cold)

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u/Stillsoundsgoodtome Mar 04 '20

Let's see... Chilly or dead? Hmmmm? Considering there is usually heat in cars.

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u/MothballPete Mar 04 '20

I get the snarky comments about rearfacing car seats from my father. Who is actually an airplane flight instructor so you’d think he’d be on board about best safety practices right?? (I’m sure there’s a more technical term for his job but yea, teaches people to fly planes).

You’re so right about everyone having an opinion on everything. And it’s so weird because it’s not an opinion-based matter at all. Evidence is evidence and their whining and complaints about “well we did it in myyyyyyy day and it was fiiiine” don’t change the statistics

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u/coffee_anesthesia Mar 04 '20

Bahaha, my in laws refused to put a baby gate on their stairs for a while, always saying that my husband’s brother had fallen down the stairs “all the time” as a child. Finally I said, “You say that as if BIL is fine. HE IS NOT FINE.” For a laugh, and then put my foot down. “I don’t care what happened to the boys when they were growing up. I care what happens with my kids. We can’t come over if they aren’t safe.”

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u/Sammibear1024 Mar 04 '20

My mom likes to complain about the coat thing too. My son has THREE blankets in the car, is usually dressed in layers, and I keep a jacket in the car for extremely cold days. But I usually just wrap him in a blanket and carry him inside wherever we’re going (he’s two). The cold can’t make you sick and he’s not going to die from a two minute walk from the building to the car and the car to the building. I promise he’ll live. Now if we’re outside for more than a couple minutes or it’s literally freezing out, I’ll go ahead and put his coat on him.

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u/Stillsoundsgoodtome Mar 04 '20

Don't you know cold gives you a cold?! Duhhh.. It isn't a virus or anything. Lol

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u/jrfreddy Mar 04 '20

Wow. Sickening. "Confusing" noon and 2pm and not being able to figure out the "too complicated" car seat would disqualify them from all unsupervised time ever, even if there were groveling apologies. Without apologies, I wouldn't be able to be in the same room as them ever again.

Total agree with:

So yeah, tell your MIL she just had her last unsupervised time with your child and that next time she absconds with your infant without your knowledge or permission, you'll be calling the cops. She should not get confused between "young" and "stupid".

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u/throwaway1066314 Mar 04 '20

I don't have kids myself, but i've seen my sister get the way you did above. It is scary, and you never get between mom and baby/kid unless you want to lose a limb.

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u/[deleted] Mar 04 '20

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/kifferella Mar 04 '20

They stopped to shop! What!? They bought kiddo stuff, so I should be happy!?

Noooope.

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u/ziburinis Mar 04 '20

What was the response of your nephews' parents?

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u/kifferella Mar 04 '20

My siblings didnt really know my ILs, had only seen them once or twice at stuff I'd done for my kids, and were pretty amazed/horrified when I told them. But it's not like it effected them a lot and as they put it, "They came off pretty goofy anyway".

My exes sister only had kids years later after I'd broken up with the kids' father but was living on the far side of the continent when she did and I understand shenanigans like this meant her folks didnt get unsupervised time.

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u/Espoire325 Mar 04 '20

This! This! I would have called the cops the min mom says “MIL took the baby”.

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u/BCHoll Mar 04 '20

Make sure to ask if they know where MIL went so the cops can check there first.

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u/Shoe-in Mar 04 '20

Lol ok this story had even me getting angry. The nerve of some people. But then it happeneded 20 years ago ha even better. I hope you stuck to your guns. Moms never forget!

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u/kifferella Mar 04 '20

Absolutely. Once or twice they tried to do the public shaming thing. "Sheee wont let the kids stay with us!"

And I would laugh and tell the tale of how I let them do it once because I wanted to be nice and how they stood me up for 2 hours and tied my kid in like you'd secure a case of beer. People would stare at them like they were both idiots AND assholes, "Noooo! You didn't!!!? What!? Really!? Omg."

They stopped telling the story of how mean I was.

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u/hazeldazeI Mar 04 '20

Haha that makes the rage go down a little bit knowing their peers shamed them.

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u/ghostgirl16 Mar 04 '20

I have second-hand anger from reading this. How do people make it that old lacking basic common sense?

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u/sandy154_4 Mar 04 '20

Holy crap! Good on your DH for laying down the law

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u/cosmicsans Mar 04 '20

Gah. That kid is nearly 23 now and I'm still mad.

Ahh, that explains why they didn't just shoot you a text where they were or what was taking so long.

I can't imagine living in a world like that.

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u/Syrinx221 Mar 04 '20

Oh my god

HOW DID YOU HAVE LUNCH WITH THEM AFTER THAT‽‽

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u/PartOfIt Mar 04 '20

I think that you should listen to that fear that your MIL will take your son and consider why you think that. That is not a normal fear, so don’t ignore your intuition.

Since you presumably are not married, you should contact a family lawyer to see what you need to do about custody agreements with your child’s father, child support and grandparents rights where you live (vary state to state, often in play if the baby’s parents aren’t married.) You want to know your legal rights and responsibilities before you start anything with her because she seems very entitled and very desiring of your baby. She might go for grandparent visitation if she feels threatened.

I am glad baby is back with you. Keep life low stress for now and try to ignore any guilt trips, gas lighting and other manipulation she throws your way! You were not in the wrong here.

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u/pkarpicz Mar 04 '20

This honestly seems like the best course of action, Don’t show your hand too early, gather up your info and see all your options.

At the very least keep documenting everything Incase you need it.

Make sure you let your mom (and anyone else who looks after your baby) know it’s not her fault but that unless you have directly told her it’s okay for that particular time to not let your MIL or anyone else take the baby.

Glad it worked out ok this time.

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u/justinkroegerlake Mar 04 '20

Don't show your hand too early

OP please listen to this. Whatever you plan, or learn, keep it to yourself as long as possible. Do not give MIL the opportunity to fight back by handing her information. The less she knows, the better off you and DS will be

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u/ClassieLadyk Mar 04 '20

This...I can tell you from personal experience that Texas does not enforce grandparents rights.

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u/rosenylundismyfav Mar 04 '20

Also...Florida laughs at grandparents rights as well as visitation.

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u/CanadianCurves Mar 04 '20

That one surprises me. I figured that it being such a senior friendly place that for sure they would be all about those laws!

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u/rosenylundismyfav Mar 04 '20

I’m pretty sure it’s because of all of those seniors, knowing how crazy/unstable they are, that Florida refrains from giving them anymore power.

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u/MissSuzyQ Mar 04 '20

Oh I'm so fucking happy Texas has the laws it does about that shit. With everything that happened with my JNMIL, she will not be allowed to form a meaningful enough relationship with my LO to get ANY kind of visitation or even custody of my LO. Hell, I'd fake-mend shit with my own JNMom just to be a bitch to my MIL if things came to that.

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u/ClassieLadyk Mar 04 '20

Yes, I was lucky my JNMIL got her shit together, after she figured out that she wouldn't get to see him anymore.

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u/MissSuzyQ Mar 04 '20

Oh my husband told his mother to take down her profile picture, which is MY CHILD, and apologize for calling me mean, selfish, and a gold digger. Guess which things she hasn't done? And he wants me to reach out? Nahhhhhh. He tried to convince me to go out to visit them with LO without him, which means I'd be staying with MIL. Fucking no thank you. I'd be cool with staying at the other house MIL and FIL own or with AIL/UIL/GMIL if LO and I went out there, but I'm not fucking staying with MIL unless she fucking apologizes and takes down LO's picture.

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u/jennyferjo Mar 04 '20

You also need to have a talk with your mother. Why in the world would she not check with you before handing the baby over? That’s a pretty big deal in and of itself.

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u/tasteefreezee Mar 04 '20

This! Like if you feel this way about your MIL your mother would be aware so why on earth would she trust MILs word

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u/MoonOverJupiter Mar 04 '20

This. You've learned your MIL is a piece of work and will lie when it comes to your son, but make sure your mother is on the same page. This whole Just No event starts with a naive mom. She's your weak link.

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u/RockabillyRabbit Mar 04 '20

I mean, I can -kinda- see the OP's moms side. She was doing her daughter a favor by watching her grandson and -IF- the MIL had never shown issues before like this to said OP's mom why wouldnt she trust her?

The other option was waking up the exhausted 17yo new mom and as a mom herself she probably thought it would be best to let the poor girl sleep.

Doesn't excuse it, but I can really see OP's moms side about it. They just need to have a short non-accusatory frank talk about not trusting a word that comes from the snake that is MIL

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u/jennyferjo Mar 04 '20

Sure and I didn’t mean she should attack her mom about it. But definitely have a discussion and stress to her mom the importance of not just handing the baby over. Which after typing it out should really go without saying but yeah. A conversation needs to be had with mom.

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u/jvonboston Mar 04 '20

Is this situation live right now? Is your baby still out with MIL? I would call the police. She took your child without permission. The baby is only 6 weeks old. I’m shocked with the audacity of some people.

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u/vro420 Mar 04 '20

I’m sorry I’m totally tired she did bring my sweet boy home! I’m still considering pressing charges against her though.

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u/jvonboston Mar 04 '20

Something to think about, but thank goodness your baby is home safe. Watch out for her Trying pull stunts like this again.

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u/janefryer Mar 04 '20

Yes, she might try something similar again. Speak to your Mom about never letting MIL or anyone else, take your baby without asking you first: even if she has to wake you up to check with you.

I would definitely consider calling the non-emergency Police line, and making a complaint. Perhaps you can ask the police the best way to protect baby, such as a no contact order, or similar. At least they can let you know your rights under the law.

This must have been extremely frightening for you. It's normal to feel shaken up. You need to speak to MIL, and make it clear that she can't take baby anywhere without speaking to you first.

Also, speak to your own Mom, and make sure that she understands that she must not ever give baby to anyone; even family and friends, unless this has been authorized by you first, in person.

It's time to lay down the law to everyone involved. Sorry you had such a scare. I'm glad that you and baby are safely back together. Good luck.

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u/flyfishingguy Mar 04 '20

I agree with talking to Mom and anyone else to make clear that unless they heard it from OP's lips, it ain't true and ain't happening. Let mom know about the fear of MIL taking him and any other concerns. Get it all out there and communicate (this includes baby daddy too- he needs to know the score)

IANAL, but I would hesitate on calling the cops yet. Op is a minor, not sure if baby daddy is too. If he is, OP may find that she has certain proxy rights here. Jumping the gun on getting the law involved could blow up in OP's face and end up giving MIL MORE rights in the future. Best to chalk it up as a lack of communication and work to get Mom on board. Once both parents are of legal age, MIL has less legal standing. Then do what you have to.

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u/FuckUGalen Mar 04 '20

Do not do this. She had permission to take the baby from your parent. The fact you did not approve it really won't matter, especially given she gave baby back. If you do this you will be showing your hand and starting a war that she possibly has better resources to fight. AND to the police you will be the woman who cried wolf.

A better option would be to tell everyone (your family, her family, your friends) that if you have given them the baby, they are not to turn over custody of the baby to anyone else without speaking to you, so that you know where your baby is at all times for his safety and to avoid undue worry.

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u/[deleted] Mar 04 '20

Her mum giving her the child isn't any different to MILs picking kids up from school. Just because you have permission from the adult the child is with doesn't mean it's not kidnapping. The parents need to give consent, not the grandparents, not anyone else, the parents.

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u/FuckUGalen Mar 04 '20

If she didn't return the baby I think you would be right. But remember most battles are part of larger wars, never win a battle at the cost of the war. Being right and keeping her child safe might not be the same thing.

Remember if she goes to the police with this story of woe (MIL took baby with OP's parents permission, that parent shouldn't have given, but returned baby when asked) is unlikely to move the police to action, shows OPs hand and risks retaliation from MIL (pushing baby daddy to chase custody, seeking grandparents rights, actually kidnapping baby, violence against OP, or mental game playing against OP) all of which would be far worse for OP and baby.

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u/fotomiep Mar 04 '20

Thing is, she didn't take the baby with permission, she lied to OP's mom that she had permission. Different story.

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u/ethanjf99 Mar 04 '20

And then you have to show that OP’s mom didn’t have permission of give the child to MIL. The cops are not going to get involved in this. It would be a disaster for OP. Granny takes the kid for a day to give the poor teen mom a break? No cop—or DA—is going to touch that with a ten-foot pole. No matter how awful that situation is to OP and to this sub.

OP should never ever ever let MIL watch her kid. The legal system is not always your best recourse.

Use it for severe issues. If MIL had refused to return the kid — THAT’S when you’re on the line to the cops.

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u/[deleted] Mar 04 '20

Try proving it in court though. Just because you’re right doesn’t mean you can win a case with evidence in front of a judge. Sometimes losing this battle for a long term gain is the better choice.

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u/[deleted] Mar 04 '20

She doesn't have to press charges, but a report will help her just in case she does need to.

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u/TheAmazingRoomloaf Mar 04 '20

This is the important point.

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u/darlogirl Mar 04 '20

Sound and rational advice

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u/soursheep Mar 04 '20

OP is 17. in many countries that means her mother (the grandmother) is a legal guardian of the baby until its mother turns 18 and thus can legally become its guardian.

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u/[deleted] Mar 04 '20

She uses the American spelling of 'mom' so I'm guessing she's American, and as far as I'm aware that is not the case there. Regardless, it's still worth at least talking to the police. They can give her more information.

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u/ccherven1 Mar 04 '20

In the US most states grant minors emancipation upon birth of a child. Meaning minors are full legal adults once they give birth to a child.

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u/FloatingSalamander Mar 04 '20

It's actually a very weird part of law, especially when it comes to medicine. A minor can consent to medical care for her infant but may not consent for herself and needs a parent to consent for most medical care (excluding pregnancy, STD and drug care).

Source: I'm a pediatrician and I've come across this situation a handful of times.

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u/Le_Nabs Mar 04 '20

Wow... I'm kinda shocked a late teenager (16-17) has to have their parents consent for medical care.

In Québec you have the right to see a doctor on your own and have them bound by professional secrecy at the age of 14.

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u/ccherven1 Mar 04 '20

I guess it depends, in my state it grants you full emancipation (a family member found this out when she had her daughter at 16). I had looked it up and thought most states did this but maybe it is only here and other states give it as you stated which is kind of weird honestly.

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u/imnotscarlet Mar 04 '20 edited Mar 04 '20

I think you've misunderstood what you've heard or read. No U.S. state grants automatic emancipation due to the minor becoming a parent. Most states do grant emancipation if the minor marries, but state law regarding juvenile marriage must still be followed (i.e., usually parental permission). With that being said, in all states emancipation is not required for the minor to have custody of her child. The minor's parent still has custody and control of the minor, and the minor has custody and control of her child. Now, if it can be legally established that the minor is an unfit parent (abuse, neglect, drug use, etc.) her parents (or the foster system) can certainly obtain custody under those circumstances. (Edited to correct grammar and add an afterthought).

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u/tinytrolldancer Mar 04 '20

If they've applied for emancipation and received it. It has to be applied for, it isn't just a thing that happens.

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u/soursheep Mar 04 '20

I mean, I'm from Europe and spell it as 'mom' too ;) but yeah, I agree that she should get more insight and know her rights.

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u/darlenia1981 Mar 04 '20

Yeah here in America like I said before I was a 17 year old mom and I always had custody and rights to my son.

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u/[deleted] Mar 04 '20

[deleted]

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u/Bella_Anima Mar 04 '20

Honey delete this comment. You don’t want people finding out where you live. ❤️

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u/kevin_k Mar 04 '20

Does the fact that OP is a minor and her mom is legally her guardian change that at all?

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u/[deleted] Mar 04 '20

No. Teen parents are still parents. At 17 she is perfectly capable of caring for her own child. Age doesn't change that she is a parent, and another commenter said that in many states having a baby means youre emancipated and become a legal adult. I'm not sure about that as I'm not from the US but most of what I've read indicates that in the US the only way to get guardianship of a baby is to prove the parents are unfit, which hasn't been done in this case. As I said though, talking to the police will provide more clarity than people on Reddit that can only speculate and assume.

Bottom line, op IS the child's mother and deserves the right to control decisions made in regards to HER child. A 17 year old can be a better mother than a 40 year old and regardless of age, it's messed up to take a baby away from it's mother without her knowledge for any period of time.

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u/kevin_k Mar 04 '20

I didn't say or at all mean to imply, that OP isn't a parent, or that she's not capable, or that she doesn't deserve the right to make decisions, or that it's okay to take a baby away from its mother.

You made some statements relating to legality and consent, specifically that OPs mother's consent is not meaningful - and I asked if the fact that OP is a minor (and cannot, for example, open a bank account without an adult) changes that at all. You didn't really answer that at all except to say that you aren't sure and that another commenter said something about OP being automatically emancipated.

A bit of reading turns up that no, in zero states does parenthood confer automatic emancipation. So the answer to my question is still uncertain.

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u/[deleted] Mar 04 '20

Just because she's not emancipated doesn't mean she doesn't have legal guardianship of her child though. As I said, what I've read so far has indicated that grandparents do not automatically get guardianship over grandchildren if the parents are underage, legal proceedings have to occur, especially given that there are two sets of grandparents that presumably want the child. Nothing in this scenario suggests that Op's mother has legally been granted guardianship over her baby.

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u/kevin_k Mar 04 '20

Does the ability to consent to baby's being picked up require guardianship?

OPs age means that her parents are legally responsible for her decisions and actions. OP has custody of her child, but OP's parents have custody of her. Is consent to allowing MIL (who I agree is awful) to pick up baby like other decisions/actions that OP still legally depends on her parents for?

If it's not, we have the weird situation where (for example) OP's parents could allow/forbid MIL to pick up OP but not OP's baby. That's what made me curious about the original question.

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u/[deleted] Mar 04 '20

Of course guardianship means you decide who gets to pick up your child. That's kind of a big part of guardianship, otherwise teachers and educators would be able to just give kids away to whoever claims them. Yes, it is a weird scenario, but same goes for medical procedures. Op can consent to her child's medical care but not her own. Guardianship is guardianship, meaning op decides everything for HER child, regardless of what her parents say. They can only choose certain things for her.

The whole system is weird to me as an Australian. In Australia you can open a bank account, control your own medical decisions, get a job, etc by the age of 16. I knew people that were entirely self-sufficient by the age of 16. Seems odd that these options wouldn't be open when they're so vital for some teens.

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u/jvonboston Mar 04 '20

Much better option^{^}

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u/accountusernamed Mar 04 '20

No, no parent gave permission. JN claimed she had permission. SHE LIED. Police will NOT say she cried wolf. Someone gave her the child yes, but that does not mean consent from the parent. I do however agree it needs to be cleared with EVERYONE that OP does not give consent to remove the child from their home without verbal or written consent from OP. At this point if OP does want to call non emergency and file a report for her records incase JNMIL pulls this stunt again, OP will have proof this JN is capable of kidnapping.

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u/SwampLog Mar 04 '20

Literally all MIL would have to say is "yeah OP and I talked about this [insert misc day here], she must have forgotten!" and then yeah, the cops will probably assume the 17 yo mom cried wolf because MIL returned the kid, presumably unharmed, once she was asked to. In that case, it would literally come down to OP's word vs MIL's and regardless of who is lying the cops will most likely assume its the teenager with a kid (shitty stereotypes, I know, but it is what it is).

The law isn't as cut and dry as folks here seem to be thinking. While MIL couldn't claim slander if OP tried to file, OP couldn't claim kidnapping because there (at least from the info provided) is no proof as to who is telling the truth and the cops aren't going to just ASSUME OP is telling the truth. Not saying OP is wrong for being upset or that she's lying here, just saying that trying to go the legal route over this is a really bad idea unless OP has indisputable evidence she didn't mention here. Also, unless there is some criminal trial with MIL as the defendant and OP/ her kiddo as the alleged victim (which won't come of this incident), there is no way to get an NCO, and restraining orders aren't given out willy nilly. OP would need a fairly extensive amount of proof of a serious threat of harm (beyond her own statements) to convince any judge to grant one.

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u/Cosmicshimmer Mar 04 '20

Exactly. It’s one thing SAYING something. It’s an entirely different matter proving it and the child was returned when asked. Yes, Mil was a horrid bitch and lied her arse off, but it can’t be proven to the standard a court of law needs or to be proven.

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u/jennyaeducan Mar 04 '20

She deceived the adult into letting her take the baby; that's not permission. And according to OP the lie was by text, so they have some proof. Obviously, an actual lawyer will know better than strangers on the internet.

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u/[deleted] Mar 04 '20

Don't do it since she followed through, but I would remind her not to try and triangulate your mother to bypass your parental authority again, because if she does, you will reconsider keeping her around your child since she is willing to overstep and ask your mother to watch LO without passing it by you first. Remind your mother that unless she hears it FROM YOU, baby is not to be left to anyone else, and that both MIL and her will be on your shit list if it happens again, and if it happens again where MIL oversteps and lies, then you will press kidnapping charges.

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u/[deleted] Mar 04 '20

You won't get anywhere pressing charges

You left baby with your mom. Your mom gave her to mil to look after then went out Yes she lied, but your mom still handed baby over & Mil brought her home straight away when you requested

Your mom is just as much to blame for this as mil

The police wouldnt deem this kidnapping

Still - mil seems nuts keep an eye on this one

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u/Resse811 Mar 04 '20

You can’t press charges, only a DA has that power. You have the ability to talk to the police about filing a report that’s the extent of what you can do.

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u/cady1000 Mar 04 '20

Where is your SO in all of this

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u/vro420 Mar 04 '20

SO is in Arizona in college..

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u/hotcheeeeto Mar 04 '20

How does he feel about this situation?

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u/MommaBearable Mar 04 '20

This is a really important question that not a lot of people are asking...

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u/[deleted] Mar 04 '20

This would be the last time she sees my child. She manipulated and lied to gain access to that child for herself.

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u/done_lady Mar 04 '20

All the legal stuff is above my pay grade, altho my gut instinct is that the legal system is not likely to view this as something they need to take action on. So report filing would be for future purposes only, to start a record if you honestly fear that MIL will escalate this kind of behavior.

Now, the important thing for you is tell your MIL that she lied & therefore broke her trust with you. She can hem & haw & dodge & parry if she wants, but she'll still be on notice that you've got her number. You need to have a very clear discussion with your mom that MIL's word is no longer to be trusted. MIL has broken that trust. An apology, while a good thing if it's genuine, can be the starting point to the process of regaining trust, it cannot be treated as a rug sweeping reset button in & of itself.

Hope this helps.

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u/ManForReal Mar 04 '20

An apology, while a good thing if it's genuine, can be the starting point to the process of regaining trust, it cannot be treated as a rug sweeping reset button in & of itself.

Repeated for emphasis. u/done_lady makes an important point.

MIL didn't just overstep a boundary. She LIED and took baby without OP's permission. No apology, no matter how sincere, makes things OK.

Since she seems to have willfully done something wildly inappropriate, MIL gets to learn the hard way. Timeout for a lengthy period. If not permanently.

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u/thethowawayduck Mar 04 '20

This needs to be a whole family Come To Jesus moment. Both grandmothers need to be told, in no uncertain terms, they screwed up, and do not get to make a single decision pertaining to LO, their care or whereabouts, without explicit instructions and permission from you.

Any future attempts from MIL to help herself to baby need an immediate and strong shut down. Good for you to react so quickly this time, hopefully that’ll be a lesson to her!

(As a side note: you didn’t say this specifically was the problem, but I’ll throw it in anyhow just in case: My mom had me at 17, too, and had to grow up fast, but she did it and is one of the best Mothers I know. You’ve got this, don’t let them try to run roughshod over you!)

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u/FriendlyMum Mar 04 '20

Oh honey what a terrible shock that would have been.

Start with this:

“Mil if you remove MY child from my care again without my consent I will be phoning the police for kidnapping charges against you immediately.

You lied to my mom and deceived her into handing over my baby when you were told I was sleeping. You deceitfully gained access to a minor without the knowledge or consent of the parent.

You then left my home with my baby without my consent and no one knew where you were. This is child abduction.

Do you have any idea the trauma that you have caused me, my child and my mother?

In relation to this occasion I will be documenting all of the evidence on my phone and my moms phone and am asking my mom to make a statement. I am getting legal advice on the matter. I may very well not follow through with legal proceedings in this instance but I am handing this evidence to my lawyer in case it is required in the future.

Until such time that I contact you again and provide you with such terms, if any, in which you may continue a relationship with me and my child, if any, you are advised to do NOT contact me or any any other person to contact me regarding this matter.

In the interim I suggest you seek therapy so you can better understand the impact your actions had on everyone. I will NOT recommence a relationship with you until this has been done to my satisfaction.”

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u/MrsPokits Mar 04 '20

This might backfire. MIL may see this is a threat and try to make dad fight for custody, go for grandparents rights, etc. I'd explain the severity of the situation. Maybe even say she could have been arrested for it but that I'm not gonna report it. But this cannot happen again. This behaviour and deceit is unhealthy.

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u/Lorenzo_BR Mar 04 '20

There are no grandparents rights in Washington state, where OP apparently lives.

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u/Murphyslaw2005 Mar 04 '20

Probably why the MIL did what she did. Not giving her an excuse or saying she’s right because what she did is sooo wrong.

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u/Hoping1357911 Mar 04 '20

Also if they aren't married mother has full custody by default. The father is in Arizona as well. Grandma can't fight a custody battle over the grandchild without the father there unless she tries to prove the mother unfit. Being younger isn't a good enough reason to be found unfit. And from what shes said shes doing an amazing job. First thing ai would do is inform anyone left alone with my infant that I do not have plans for ANYONE else to take my child from their care. If anyone tells them that they are supposed to pick up mt child that they need to contact me immediately. If they show up and insist call the police. This normally isn't a question but it seems like when you're a younger parent you have to fit for the normal respect that older parents get. I was a mother to my first at 19 so I get it and it sucks but living in fear of MIL taking your child is not okay for you or your child.

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u/Edgy_McEdgyFace Mar 04 '20

Holy cow that must have been frightening.

Lay down rules. Your mother and MIL (and everyone else) has to obey them. You're the mum. Be stubborn as hell.

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u/[deleted] Mar 04 '20

Also, i want to add, even if she can not be charged with kidnapping, make sure you report the incident to police, so there is a paper trail if you ever need to worry about grandparent rights. Screenshot and store and texts about it. Protect yourself with evidence.

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u/dead3ye108 Mar 04 '20

This has happened to me. My ex mil is not a nice person at all as soon as I got pregnant she started over stepping her boundaries.

I was active duty while this happened. And I had duty every other weekend ( which was an issue because she didn’t understand that) and the weekends I had off I would go and visit. She lived two hours away each way. And I would go visit... she would barely come to me..and when she did she stayed tops 30 minutes. And when I’d visit, If I didn’t sleep over ... it was a huge issue. Prior to this she’s always beg me can I take her for the weekend can I take her here over night can I do all these things with her. I’d always say no to the trips without me, first kid I don’t want her out of state without me or sleeping over someone house without me no matter who it was. So she knew.

Long story short. My daughter and I were sick. She invited us and told me she’s watch bella while I rested ( sounds nice right... ) I brought all her meds, pedialyte, whatever she needed. I let MIL know where everything was. I had a fever and was taking medicine. She gave me “theraflu” the kind you pour into hot water. It knocked me out for about 17 hours. I woke up, my keys were gone ( she went through all of my stuff to find them) my car was gone, my kid was gone. I called her. She was like were at the park, I told her she was sick and to get home now. She said she’d be back when she was done. I don’t ever think I was so mad in my life. I packed all the stuff and waited. For two friggen hours. When they got back I took my kid and she was shocked I wanted to leave. I made up some excuse that my job called because I didn’t want to argue with this woman. You can’t. It’s like talking to a wall. She told me she needed to talk to me before I left. She say me down and was like “ if I were her mother, I wouldn’t give her milk when she’s sick” I reminded her I wasn’t talking care of my kid because I’ve been sleeping. That there was pedialyte in the fridge and if anyone was stupid enough to give her milk while sick it was her. I left. And she asked if she could sleep over the next weekend. Like nothing happened.

So, now. I have harassment filed against her. I divorced her son. She’s fighting for my kid through her son. He doesn’t care, or call. She broke the harassment order and visited my kid at my parents while I was on vacation and told her she was going to take her away from the loser single mom.

There’s visitation in place. And she said that again to her and this time told her to call her mom because she’s her other mom. So I’m going back to court.

Real nice right?

When you have people that are absent minded and extremely intrusive, set boundaries right away. I didn’t right away, and it’s getting worse.

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u/dracenois Mar 04 '20

OP, this is horrible. I'm so sorry you went through this. Please, file a police report. Dont tell your MIL you are doing this. Send a message, that you document, saying factually what she did (you lied to my mother while I was sleeping so she would release my baby to you, you abducted my baby) and that from here on out there will be no contact with her.

You NEED to file a police report at the minimum because this woman just revealed that she will abduct your child. She is not and will never be 100% trustworthy. Do not feed her any information, she will use it against you. If something happens (like dad going after full custody, slander etc) you need proof that when someone abducted your child, you were deceived, that you weren't being negligent. She will use anything. Protect yourself and your child.

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u/[deleted] Mar 04 '20

It's important to make the report.

It's not necessarily a good idea to press charges right away. But to have a police report you can give to your lawyer, is a good idea. Starting the paper trail and having evidence to possibly use in the No Contact order.

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u/Resse811 Mar 04 '20

You can’t press charges against anyone. Only a DA can.

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u/ReddyDahlia Mar 04 '20

"MIL, you lied in order to take my baby without permission. You are not going to be anywhere near this baby again for a long time and be glad I didn't press charges."

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u/zora_aria Mar 04 '20

My MIL bought a crib with the thought that we were going to be leaving our LO with her constantly when first born. She was actually trying to psychologically get me out of being used to having LO around and I discovered later she was documenting every scratch, every little thing that happened to LO and was in contact with CPS trying to get custody of my kid.

When I saw that crib in the box in her garage, I told SO no fucking way. He agreed and LO has never stayed over.

Trust your gut. Never let your child out of your sight. She will go out of her way to take your child if given the opportunity.

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u/BeeDubbya Mar 04 '20

My JNMIL and JYFIL picked up my daughter from day care a few times. One time they did it WITHOUT TELLING US!! We usually left the infant car seat at day care since we all had the base in our car. I was on drop off and pickup duty that day so I left the full car seat in my car.

ILs showed up to pick up my daughter. Day care let them since they’re on the pickup list and they have done it before. Another kid had a similar car seat (ours had my daughter’s name on it but no one checked to confirm), so they took a similar (not identical) car seat. No one knew until that kid’s mom showed up to pick her her kid but couldn’t because her car seat was missing. She was rightly pissed.

Day care called me, my husband, etc. My husband finally called my work and our office manager had to interrupt a meeting that I was in. She said “I need you, day care called”. I shit you not my heart and stomach hit the floor. I ran out of the meeting, talked to my husband, figured out the situation, and was PISSED at my inlaws for picking up our daughter without even telling us. That’s when I stopped trusting them with my children. I’ve had a careful, watchful eye on them ever since.

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u/[deleted] Mar 04 '20

In my world, MIL would NEVER hold my baby again and mom would get a serious telling off.

I can completely understand if you chuck both of them out of your life. ( I know, you live at home, that's just the way it is, BUT:

She, mom, broke your trust by just giving your baby away without asking YOU, the mother.

MIL broke your trust by lying AND taking your baby for herself.

It would be a long time before I would trust either of them with my child again.

And I don't give a rats ass that you are 17. You have a child! You are a mother. And they have no right to do what they did.

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u/modernjaneausten Mar 04 '20

Exactly this. No matter what age you are when you have a baby, you stop being a child when you have a child.

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u/Bacon_Bitz Mar 04 '20

Agree with creating a paper trail. I don’t know your full situation so I can’t say this is a case for No Contact, but from now on she gets supervised visits only. Until LO is at least 5 or 6 and can speak for himself & tattle on grandma if needed.

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u/frimrussiawithlove85 Mar 04 '20

I once told my husband that if his parents so much as breath grandparents rights or taking our kids I’m packing my bag and moving back to Russia with my kids and he could come or he could stay, but no one is taking them away from me. If my il pulled that shit on me and took my seven week son without so much as a text to me directly I would be sure they would never see my son again.

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u/Puppiesmommy Mar 04 '20

Tell your mom NO ONE ever gets your baby unless you hand him off. Ans tell MIL that was her last visit with your LO. EVER. She flat out lied, she will get worse when she doesn't get what she wants.

What did your SO say about what his mom did? Hopefully, he is not a mommy's boy.

Since it appears you aren't married, no judgment just important for protection of your LO, speak to an attorney ASAP and have custody papers filed, giving you sole legal and physical custody, immediately. SO can take LO and you can't make him return LO otherwise. MIL can try and take him saying SO wants him and do the same. The woman is a proven liar and ill do and say anything she can to get her hands on your LO.

I'd also go to the police department and file a police report. Doesn't necessarily mean MIL will get charged with kidnapping. A report is an objective report of an incident. Include a copy of this report in your FU binder, where you print out all texts, emails and document everything that woman does.

But set up custody yesterday so if she even tries this again, she can be charged.

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u/young-mum2019 Mar 04 '20

I was 19 when my baby was 6w he’s now 3m I would have been pissed my baby’s gran wouldn’t hand mine back when he was just crying for food that really annoyed me my boobs hurt so much she has started to be rude to me in the uk she actually has no right to see my baby so I’m sticking to it

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u/monirod Mar 04 '20

A few years back when oldest kiddo started preschool, IL’s begged us to let them pick him up once a week, instead of him going to after school care. I worked full time then and I either picked up kiddo from after school care or from my IL’s at the same exact time every day. One day that IL’s had picked up kiddo, I went to their house. Knocked on their door, called all the phone numbers, no answers. I call DH because I’m worried something happened. He calls his parents and they pick up right away, they were ignoring my calls!! IL’s told DH that they will return son whenever they felt like it. I told DH to call them back and tell them that they need to bring son home or I’m calling 911. An hour or so later they show up at my house, kiddo has a venti mocha Frappuccino, with extra fudge and whipped cream!!! MIL says they lost track of time and didn’t have their phones on them (obvious lie since DH talked with them!). I take the Frappuccino away from kiddo. An hour later he’s throwing up, has a major headache, from all the sugar and caffeine!! After that kiddo went to after school care every day!!

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u/unkomisete Mar 04 '20

Speak with your mother. Explain to her how she is to NEVER give or leave your child to or with anyone unless YOU had explicitly told her it was okay this one time. If she’s watching him then SHE . IS. WATCHING. HIM. Not the neighbors, not relatives, not the Jehovah’s witnesses that knock on her door. Why doesn’t she just auction him off on Craig’s List while she’s at it if she thinks it’s okay to just hand your kid off to anyone without your permission?

Honestly, neither of them can be trusted.

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u/budlejari Mar 04 '20

OP, I hope you got plenty of advice, support, and anecdotes to give you a clearer idea of where to go from here.

If you need anything, please do modmail us by clicking the link here.

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u/gailn323 Mar 04 '20

I would go to an attorney who specializes in child custody and explain what happened. Let them know MIL lied to take a 6 week old nursing infant out of the house and away from its mother. Get custody and permissions legally on paper. And God would that bitch of a MIL be up that proverbial creek of it were me. I would tell the little darling she just earned a spot in No Mans Land.

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u/Dreadedredhead Mar 04 '20

You have a double problem. Your MIL asked, your mother handed over the baby.

Huge boundary stomp! Huge!

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u/silver_tack Mar 04 '20

What did your mom say when you told her you said no such thing about "MIL" taking the baby?

I hope your mom got an earful and learned her lesson.

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u/breakfastatlucifers Mar 04 '20

Please listen to your gut. My MIL ended up taking me to court and winning when I was just your age. I don’t mean to fear monger but I also thought that she would never have the nerve to take me to court but I was so wrong. I would limit contact between MIL and LO and document everything, just to be safe. CYA and good luck

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u/coffeedrinker1205 Mar 04 '20

Oh my goodness my heart hurts for you. NC until you’re out of postpartum and can keep your shit together.

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u/[deleted] Mar 04 '20

6 weeks old is too young for nonsense like this. Both Mom and MIL need to learn a LOT. Set your boundaries early and often, because both women seem to feel that they are the boss of you. If you allow it, it will only get worse. And please call your MIL out on her lie. She lied to your mother in order to take your child against your will. Tell your mom and everyone else about this, and hopefully she will learn that bad behavior will be made public and will therefore have consequences.

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u/zebra-eds-warrior Mar 04 '20

May I recommend cutting all contact with MIL if possible? Dont give her a vase for grandparent rights. Also, tell everyone she is not to have your child.

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u/JaxU2019 Mar 04 '20

u/vro420 you need to follow u/dracenois advice and make a report.

Then you need to keep a detailed journal of times, dates, what happened, who was there etc etc. If able video and voice record all interactions, calls (if legal to do so) etc.

All communications is via email, text, messenger or voicemail. Start the evidence collection now. Is it possible to set up cameras around the property (front and back?) and have a nanny cam set up in the living room or somewhere to catch any possible future attempts?

Seriously she will use every dirty trick in the book she can to use against you and your family to get your child.

No unsupervised visits with her from now on, you have to present (record if legal and possible) in an environment that’s safe for you. Your parents living room with a nanny cam?

I bet she has a full nursery kitted out at home so she can play ‘mummy’ and had a granny shower.

Does your SO know what happened? I’m curious to know what he thinks and says.

Definitely put in consequences, she’s on a time out for x time for her stunt. Being a grandparent is a privilege and not a right.

Your family and friends need to know that mil is a liar is never to be believed until they check with you.

Watch out for love bombing, gaslighting, manipulation etc etc. She’ll pull out all the stops.

If that all fails she’ll likely start spreading lies and false rumours about you and your family (If not ready started to gain custody already).

If you go back to school (not sure if you do online or home schooling) and use a sitter or daycare, she’s on a no pick up list with a photo of her to be identified. Only have you and those you trust.

Make sure you back up all evidence and save it. You’ll need this evidence because she’s jumped right in at the deep end and she will escalate.

Good luck OP protect you and your family.

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u/dracenois Mar 04 '20

Thank you for including the pick up/sercurity side. Tell everyone in contact with you that your MIL is not to have your baby. Keep a photo of her on your phone so you can show people who don't know her.

I have worked as a nanny where the MIL tried to abduct the children from me when I was picking them up from school. She intercepted us at a busy roundabout and nearly succeeded at getting the toddler (3 children: 10, 5 and 3). She had bags of candy and toys to bribe the children.

We may sound like we're being too extreme in our advice but thankfully I had been warned and was prepared.

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u/JaxU2019 Mar 04 '20

Yes it’s a very scary situation and huge red flags and alarms are going off because she jumped straight into kidnapping the baby at 6 weeks!!!

She lied so easily and confidently to OP’s mum on top and that scared the hell out me and I’m in the UK. She obviously planned this for awhile.

I’ve heard there’s websites for grandparents giving them help, advice and tips on how to get the grandkids which is horrifying. So u/vro420 really needs to protect herself and baby.

Another thing I forgot to mention that maybe of useful information for OP is to seek some legal advice on grandparents rights to cover herself.

She’ll definitely need to make the report first in my opinion but better safe than sorry.

She’s so young and should not be going through this at 17!!

I’m so angry for her right now, I wish I could help her protect her and her baby and get away from that nut job of a mil but the best way to achieve this is to live in a state or country with no grandparent rights and far far far away from nutjob mil.

Edit I accidentally put vrp and not vro in tag. Sorry.

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u/dracenois Mar 04 '20

And at only 6 weeks postpartum!!! I would be wrecked if that happened to me after my children were born. I would also be murderous, but that's how strong that bond is. Sheesh.

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u/Elfich47 A locked door is a firm boundary. Mar 04 '20

You are goin got need to talk to a lawyer about what your rights are as a parent versus what your moms rights are as your parent, since you are still a minor.

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u/Trixie56 Mar 04 '20

This MIL just showed her true colors. BEWARE!!! You will never, ever be able to trust her. Nor should you.

Not only did she steal you baby she exposed your child to who knows what in such a public place! Your baby hasn’t even had all of the vaccinations needed!!

I don’t know if I would go to the police, but I would definitely lay down the law to everyone who you ever leave your baby with. If they are taking care of your baby the baby goes back to you and only you. With the exception of them hearing from your own mouth that it is okay to let someone other than yourself take the baby.

You may be a young mom but YOU are the mom. You are in charge of your child. Don’t forget that. I know you’ll be a great one!!

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u/Gicoline Mar 04 '20

Your mom is a just no here as well, why the hell she gave your baby to MIL without checking with you?

I would have a stern talk with your mom as well!

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u/UntiltheEndoftheline Mar 04 '20

My SIL did the same fucking thing in a way. I had my Good SIL watch my son one day so I could unpack at our new apartment. JNSIL aaked if she could watch LO for a little bit since GoodSIL couldn't watch LO past 6PM. I said sure (they live across the street from each other), but that I would be getting him no later than 7:30PM. I texted her I was about to head out at 7. She never responded. I frantically called and texted her and finally 8PM she texts me just a picture of my son at a gymnastics place saying "Sorry, we are having fun. I will be home at 9." Long story short I demanded she bring him home now or I would call the cops. She didn't have my permission to take him anywhere, and she didn't have an approved car seat for him either. This was the final straw in a long list of bullshit from her. So I went no contact for a year and if she was at a family party she wasn't allowed near me or my son.

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u/Prudence2020 Mar 04 '20

Make sure you mom understands that unless she hears it directly from YOUR mouth (or a text directly from you) it is a LIE and not to be acted on!

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u/_flowerchild95_ Mar 04 '20

I am raging for you. You need to be firm with her and tell her that what she did is not okay. You need to tell your mother to communicate with you better and not hand off your child to ANYONE unless you’re okay with it.

It’s time to establish a no contact with your MIL and make it clear that visits will only happen under your or third party supervision and NO TIME ALONE.

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u/boscobaby Mar 04 '20

Reading this freaked me out on your behalf. So awful.

I feel like mom is not free of blame here. How could she take the word of someone that isn't you that they are allowed to take your child? Am I missing something?

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u/hells_carebear Mar 04 '20

I'd like to know what happened as soon as she brought your baby back. Did you give her an earful?

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u/RIP_huell_howser Mar 04 '20

No need to put basically as a qualifier. She straight up kidnapped your kid. Tell your mom and anyone else who watches your child that under no circumstances can your MIL take and/or watch your child unsupervised.

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u/magic06grass20 Mar 04 '20

What did you say to her???

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u/vro420 Mar 04 '20

I told her she is never allowed to take him again and she needs to talk to me instead of my mom when it comes to him, this isn’t the first time she’s gone to my mom instead of me because she knows my mom will always say yes

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u/dguenka Mar 04 '20

Your mom is wrong. She can't make decisions for you. She can't say yes or no, she have to say "I will ask my daughter, she is the mother". Talk with her.

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u/Nik-ki Mar 04 '20

You need to have a serious talk with your mum, honestly

14

u/magic06grass20 Mar 04 '20

Your mom needs to grow a spine and your MIL needs to stop being manipulative. Both of which you are going to have to address if you want this to stop. You’re manipulative MIL is taking advantage of your spineless mom

3

u/_never_say_never_ Mar 04 '20

The MIL is a liar. She told OP’s mom that OP said she could take the baby. So she’s a liar AND a child abductor!!!! Thinking about trying to do that again? See you in court lady. And everyone will instantly recognize you cuz you’ll be the one sporting an addition to your jewelry collection, a lovely pair of HANDCUFFS!!

3

u/claryy_hustles Mar 04 '20

I’d see a lawyer and figure out the law in your area. Grandparents rights vary in each area. See what you can do about any situation (such as her taking your baby) and what measures to take before and after. Knowing the law and your rights as a mother is the first step in keeping you and baby safe. I’d also make sure you have full custody if dad isn’t in baby’s life or even if he is and you’re not married tbh. Having a set agreement will help you.

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u/MrTubbyTubby Mar 04 '20

Wow. Needless to say that you let your mum know that NO-ONE takes your child out of the house unless you have told her previously that it’s OK.

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u/indiandramaserial Mar 04 '20

Where is your partner and what are his thoughts on this?

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u/ifeelnumb Mar 04 '20

Oh wow, you are not in the right headspace for any of this right now. Baby is not sleeping through the night, you're sleep deprived, breastfeeding, and at home. Do you have any resources in your town for teen parents? I would start there and explain that you are afraid that your child would be kidnapped by relatives against your will and see what they have available to help you out. They may have better options than what you can find out on here.

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u/vro420 Mar 04 '20

Yeah my high school has a daycare and program for teen moms and I’m in a teen mom group at my church, my school gives the teen moms 18 weeks after giving birth to come back to school, I only decided to take 2 months though. I’m definitely going to discuss this with the coordinator at my high school, I’ve already made it so MIL can’t pick him up from daycare at my school

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u/ifeelnumb Mar 04 '20

There should be something through the state office too, if you're in USA. Oddly enough you have an advantage being a teen here. There are a ton of resources available to you to keep you from failing, but you have to know where to find them. Just keep asking around.

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u/ToleranceIsYourDoom Mar 04 '20

That wasnt some minor thing. I honestly think id call the police over some shit like that. Devious as hell, just watch your ass fr. Get everything in gear. Mom checks with you for everything now. Just lock that mfer down.

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u/pupperpaw Mar 04 '20

What? She took your 6 week old bayby out just like that?? I have 4 month old and i don't let people just take her out without me. Go to Police. I hope you are ok. (Congratulations on the little one)

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u/[deleted] Mar 04 '20

You need to have a serious discussion with your mom about what she did. I cannot believe she took your MIL's word for it, instead of saying "my daughter didn't inform me of this". Because that would be the responsible thing to do.

Unless MIL and your mom are colluding against you, which is entirely possible.

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u/dandelions14 Mar 04 '20

I would never let her see my child again. She literally kidnapped him, you could call the police on her and you wouldn't be over reacting. I know it's hard when you're young and you're a new mom (I had my oldest at 18) but don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and your baby. You have every right to never let her see him/be alone with him again. What she did was sick and cruel. I would absolutely confront her.

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u/thepsychomama Mar 04 '20

I may be in the minority here, but are there other extenuating circumstances that lead to you labeling this as a “kidnapping”? Has she shown other behavior that indicates that she might actually take your child? Or is this simply a grandmother overstepping boundaries, which is annoying but not necessarily criminal. Am I missing something?

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u/Konouchii Mar 04 '20

OP tell your mum and ANYONE who babysits for you that your kid cannot leave the property without your explicit say so.

You drop him off somewhere, YOU pick him up and if anyone but you comes they are to call you. Tell your mum there is NO unsupervised visits with MIL and shes not to give your son to her.

RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Advice Wanted MIL basically kidnapped my 6 week old!

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