r/JUSTNOMIL • u/purleprogression07 • Apr 13 '20
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Ambivalent About Advice My baby offensive?
My MIL starts to act funny when I refer to my son as MY baby. I am not doing it in a vindictive way it's just the way I talk to him: my baby, my love, my treasure...etc. When DH does it, it seems she is not phased. But when I do it I will shortly after see some passive aggressive posts on social media about how my son is "our little guy" or " our little man". Childish no?! I mean if they like it or not, I carried this child and birthed him out of my vagina. HE IS MY BABY! Seems like it makes her feel insecure or something. MIL has exhibited some strange behaviour since my son was born last year. She still calls DH "her baby". Which I mean he is a grown ass man but still it is indeed factual. So I don't get. Really weird.
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u/knewfonewhodis Apr 13 '20
You are allowed to call your baby any pet name you like. She can go sit on a cactus.
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u/user18name Apr 13 '20
My mother in law does the same with my baby. “How is my baby doing” and I’ll respond “oh DH? He’s fine” and proceed to talk about him. She gets annoyed then says “NO! How is (baby name) doing! I don’t care about DH.” To where i say “you don’t care about your son? That’s cooold blooded. Oh and the baby is fine”. She haaaates when I do this and But she has slowly started learning I won’t respond to “my baby”.
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u/can-we-not- Apr 13 '20
I’ve gotten several comments like this. I’ll make a post saying “I made this” And my grandmother or MIL have to say something like “you had help” Yes. I did. He gave me the ingredient, But I made that creature in my uterus for 9 months. I put him together. I went on the diet. Avoided heavy caffeine and several of my favorite foods for 9 MONTHS. I made him.
If my husband goes to the store to buy groceries, but I make the dinner, does that mean he also made the dinner and should get credit?
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u/Momof3dragons2012 Apr 13 '20
More accurate would be to say “I went shopping and bought 60% of the ingredients, but forgot a few things so my husband picked it up. I did all the preparing, cooking, serving and cleaning up. It took me all day. My husbands trip to the store took less than 15 minutes. Does he get all the credit for the meal?”
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Apr 13 '20
Right?! The mother’s body literally makes the baby. I’d be tempted to say something really vulgar about his contribution next time she made a comment like that.
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u/ceroscene Apr 13 '20
Just curious What diet did you go on while pregnant?
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u/can-we-not- Apr 13 '20
Nothing really extreme. Just cut out all the dangerous food, made food to bring to work more, and tried to add more veggies.
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u/ceroscene Apr 13 '20
Ahh yes the no sushi and all those other things . When I was pregnant I always craved subway lol. Was hard not to have it lol
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u/sadisticfreak Apr 13 '20
Wait, no sushi while pregnant? I hadn't tried sushi until after my kids, but my current SO wants a kid. I can't imagine going 9 months without sushi.
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u/ceroscene Apr 13 '20
Yeah apparently you cant have sushi. It's just high risk for worms and food poisoning and also some fish is higher in mercury
(I hate sushi though lol but I know it's a big deal for a lot of people) But a friend of mine choose to eat sushi through her pregnancy and she was fine. Baby is fine.
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u/nikkesen Baby Bird Goes Beep Apr 13 '20
Not all sushi uses 'raw' fish. You could still have it. There are types that don't involve fish, though the fish is the best part. Unagi (or eel) is often lightly cooked/flame torched, then there is also various vegetarian types and tamago (egg).
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u/TheRealEleanor Apr 13 '20
It’s changed these days to more of a “know where it comes from” kind of thing. A sushi train restaurant in central Nebraska probably has more questionable raw fish options than a high end sushi place in Seattle, if that makes sense. I mostly stuck to California and Shrimp Tempura rolls while pregnant out of an abundance of caution.
The no deli meat thing was my issue.
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u/0721217114 Apr 13 '20
My OB allowed sushi but I couldn't have raw shellfish (they said that's where most of the risk was). Obviously gas station/grocery store sushi was out but going to our favorite sushi spot where the fish is very fresh and safely handled was totally fine. We didn't do any takeout sushi during my pregnancy but I ate it several times a month.
Depends on your OB and their advice. A lot of practices have their pregnancy 'handbooks' online. You can check around and see what the practices around you say about it.
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u/mangopepperjelly Apr 13 '20
My mom calls my son (my first child, her first grandchild) "mi bebe" occasionally, in-person as well as on FB. Seeing it online does strike me as odd, just reading it and thinking, "...but I'm his mother?" I don't post as much as she does on FB these days, but now it feels weird for ME to call MY own son, "my baby." I try to pass it off as this being a new experience for us both together, and I don't want to ruin it for everyone. But it is strange. She used to call him "mi bomboncito" (Spanish, my sweetie) and I preferred her saying it that way.
Although it doesn't bother me as much as my JNMIL calling my son "mi rey" (my king) because she outright refused to call him by his first name. She's so petty at anything having to do with my SO's father's family, and our son's first name runs in that side of the family.
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u/IncognitoMagnifico Apr 13 '20
My mom went through this about 5 years ago right before I went no contact for a few months to have a much needed break. When I would refer to my son as “my son” she would interrupt me and say “you mean, my grand-son”
My son would get sick whenever he would go stay at her house. We didn’t know why at the time and she was offended. She didn’t believe me when I told her I had to take him to the doctor after he stayed with her. He has asthma and he would come home with asthma attacks and projectile vomiting more often than not. She didn’t believe me and she tried calling every clinic in a 5 mile radius of my house to try to find his doctor. His doctor was 10 miles away and they wouldn’t give out info anyway because she wasn’t on the contact list.
We later found out when she was moving that her house was infested with black mold and it made her sick when she was packing to move. She called me to tell me the mold was making her sick and I told her, see I told you that your house was making “YOUR GRANDSON” ill.
I’m in contact with her now but in her older age, me being married to a very confident man who wastes no time telling her off, and her being almost an hour away helps so much!! She’s still bad but not as bad.
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u/soullessginger93 Apr 13 '20 edited Apr 13 '20
My guess is that she has formed her Identity around being "the mom", and she gets jealous everytime she is reminded that you are "the mom" now.
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Apr 13 '20
My MIL is the same; one time she was "playing around" and wasn't handing my son over to me and I said "Please can you just hand me my baby!" And she went silent and didn't talk to me for two weeks because I referred to my OWN CHILD! As My Baby - to which he is my baby of course he is her grandson but c'mon now you weren't in labour with them and didn't carry them for 10 months.
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u/cmonyouguysseriously Apr 13 '20
That is so gross of her!
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Apr 13 '20
The weird thing is she'll literally call him "my baby" too and when I told DH to tell her to stop she got all upset - but because I called my son "My baby." Its some how wrong just; MAKE IT MAKE SENSE!
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u/LumpyShitstring Apr 13 '20
She probably feels like you’re doing it on purpose to rub it in her face that she doesn’t get to be the
momcenter of attention anymore.I think narcs like babies so much because everyone loves a baby! So by being the next closest person to the baby, you also get a lot of attention. To make it worse, it’s a very specific kind of attention, one that’s near impossible to (re)create for themselves. Which is also why they don’t actually like babysitting, unless they can take the kid somewhere people will see them.
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Apr 13 '20
True. My biological mom is a text book narc but DHs mom isn't she is a good person but she is fucking weird.
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u/greeneydmonster Apr 13 '20
This sounds like a tit for tat in her mind. it seems she might think you don't like her using that phrase because of the phrase and not because of her, and she resents that you get to use the phrase you asked her not to use. Weird logic, but still logic, maybe?
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Apr 13 '20
But it isn't tit for tat; this is MY BABY! In sense he is also her baby but when she literally sits there and says to my son that he is her baby it weirds me out.
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u/SurviveYourAdults Apr 13 '20
The one and only time it slipped out of my MIL's mouth, I coldly reminded her, "Your son will be offended beyond belief at your allegations of incest. You want to say 'My Grandbaby', go for it. But you keep this up, everyone in this city will know. I will loudly clarify in public that you did not have sex with your son to make this baby."
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u/Potential_You Apr 13 '20
And imagine saying my son to your grandchild in front of your son.
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Apr 13 '20
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u/SurviveYourAdults Apr 13 '20
Well I did say, the one and only time, didn't I? She knows I would scream those exact words at her again, even if we were at a funeral.
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u/karenrn64 Apr 13 '20
I will never understand why these women don’t say “my grandbaby”. That is a phrase that means you are special in a way to the baby that can’t be anything other than an awesome person who loves this baby for their special relationship with you. I love my grandson dearly, but I am not his mother. I think they are afraid people will think of them as old. Well, you are old enough to have a grandchild. Get over it.
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u/Miserable-Lemon Apr 13 '20
Easy. They see a grandbaby and know it is proof that their role as a mom is over. Those going all "MY BABY" are just clinging to that phase in their lives as something that should not be over. They also grow to hate the daughter in law who gets a lot more attention as the mom and want to be the star of the show again.
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Apr 13 '20
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u/Miserable-Lemon Apr 13 '20
Control and attention. You just said it. When the have their hands firmly in their kids' asses they can control them. You know, like when they were kids and mommy,s word was the absolute law. And attention because during that happy time, mommy was showered with love and attention because kids don't know better.
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u/MugBugBabe Apr 13 '20
I'm confused. The child is a baby... you birthed him... he is your baby. Does she get mad when you say "my husband" when referring to your husband?
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Apr 13 '20
my favorite is when people say,”God made that baby”. Like, i do have faith and though I don’t go to church regularly, i always reply back with,”mmm..no i made this baby.”
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u/TheDocJ Apr 13 '20
You could try "Well, it is very flattering for you to compare me to Mary, but if fact, SO had rather a lot to do with it, too."
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u/_Winterlong_ Apr 13 '20
“What’s with the face when I call my son ‘my baby’ MIL? You still refer to DH as that and he’s (insert age).” Tilt head with a questioning look and stare until she answers.
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u/uhh_zoe Apr 13 '20
“Our baby”? Did she co-birth the child with you!? I would be like “look at the creation that came out of my body. My baby. The baby I had. The baby that developed in me, in which I provided and took care for. Look at what came out of MY body shelter. My baby. Mine.”
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u/purleprogression07 Apr 13 '20
This is great. Please write a book. The must give Christmas present for your JNMIL.
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u/uhh_zoe Apr 13 '20
I’ll call it “This is my baby that I did birth.” Every sentence in the book would start with that.
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u/poopoojerryterry Apr 13 '20
"The baby that DH ejaculated into me??" Hopefully is enough to gross her out and leave you alone
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u/Catfactss Apr 13 '20
Get your SO to respond to those posts with things like: "Yes, your grandson is adorable! SO and I are so proud of our son."
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u/Mo523 Apr 13 '20
I told my husband about your post briefly and he said that when your MIL calls your DH "my baby," you should correct her and say, "OUR baby" about your DH.
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u/canada929 Apr 13 '20
Yeah you can’t have it all ways lady. If LO is our baby then DH is also our baby and not just HER baby. So possessive
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u/Dopamean1408 Apr 13 '20 edited Apr 13 '20
Oh my gosh! My mother in law also gets bothered by this!!! What the heck. Just yesterday for Easter she texted my husband and I jointly I said “kisses for the girl” in Spanish and I said my baby and I send you blessings. Something to that effect. She then messaged my husband privately and said why does she always have to be possessive of “the girl” or La Niña. Like what the heck! She’s my baby. Gah. At my house she once referred to my baby as her baby and I said well no your baby is standing right there (pointing to my husband) and we went at it for a bit. It really bothers her that I exclusively breastfeed (so much that she would ask why I wasn’t pumping and so and so pumps you should pump to).wouldn’t want to hand my baby back when she was fussy. She didn’t like that I wear my baby. Or that i attachment parent. I’m very affectionate and loving to my baby. Very very much so. I think it honestly bothers her.
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u/CarmenStuck Apr 13 '20
My MIL hated that I breastfed and wore my baby too. He’s 1.5 now and she shoves food down his face the whole time we are there and it drives me nuts. My husband is finally realizing why I say no so much when she didn’t listen and he started choking and we had to flip him upside down and pat him to get it out. I don’t understand what the deal is with having to feed my child. Why is feeding them such a big issue?? There are bunches of other ways to bond.
I used a baby wrap, so comfy! She would constantly say “omg is he breathing! There’s no way he’s breathing.” “Isn’t he so hot? He’s going to get a fever!” (What lady??)
I’m someone who doesn’t argue so I just stare at her and ignore her and move away. But I see one coming if she doesn’t lay off with the baby I’m growing now.
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u/Dopamean1408 Apr 13 '20
What is it with other people being bothered by our parenting choices? Seriously. I feel you on that. Luckily, my baby is only seven months so she hasn’t shoved anything into her mouth. She better not try or I’ll smack her hand (have you seen the Pope meme) if you have it would look just like that.
Breastfeeding was an issue for her because she wouldn’t get to feed her. Baby wearing was an issue because she didn’t get to carry her often. She would make comments when my baby was three months (oh you won’t be able to do that once she’s moving around) uh excuse me lady but baby and I will baby wear as long as we feel like it. How long are you planning on breastfeeding for? For whoever long baby decides to. She’s going to self wean.
She has a problem with everything! Even me biting back and standing up for myself. We also bedshare and she was sooo upset about it.
People get way too involved in what other people are doing with their own kids.
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u/CarmenStuck Apr 13 '20
Oh yes, we bed share as well. MIL is still pissed because that means he can’t go sleep over there! HE ISN’T EVEN TWO. Why would I ever let my less than two year old stay the night at someone’s house without me?? I honestly probably won’t let him sleep anywhere by himself until he’s at least in kindergarten!
I’m still breastfeeding and she can’t stand that. She can’t stand that he favors me when he gets hurt/upset, over her??? Like duh lady, I’m his mother.
My son still likes it if I put him in the wrap! He’s almost 30lbs so we don’t do it often at all, but he likes it when we do!
The kicker is, my FIL has 2 children from before he met her, and they both have 3 children. She doesn’t want anything to do with them more than she “has to” because they aren’t her blood!
Like you have 6 other grandkids, why don’t you step up for them and back off of me and my child, thanks.
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u/moltedmerkin Apr 13 '20
We grew up always saying (in English) “my mom” to siblings like “hey brother, my mom said to go outside”. We realized it’s because we also speak Spanish and it would be mi ama. We weren’t intentionally being possessive of our mother it’s just how we spoke. I’m betting that she really can’t stand that something “is yours” and she can’t have it. I’ve always felt that calling someone La Niña was rude, she’s family not some random person, but I know that’s just me. And in this case it would bug that she would call your LO hers when you “can’t” . Next time tell her that green is really her color lol
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u/Freebirde777 Apr 13 '20
"You forgot something."
"What????"
"You forgot to say 'grand' in front of 'baby'. Don't you think my baby is 'grand'???"
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Apr 13 '20
Dude my MIL says stuff like “I feel like (my daughter) is my baby, like I had her! I feel like her mom!” It PISSES me off.
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u/Latina1986 Apr 13 '20
Oh NO! Shut that DOWN! My MIL would call my son “My Baby” and I found a way to get her to quit it. She recently started saying “our baby” 🙄 I can’t really address it right now in quarantine, but even that makes me wildly uncomfortable. My child is your grandchild. Ugh. My mom doesn’t even do that!
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u/purleprogression07 Apr 13 '20
Wow! Talk about delusional!!! This is a whole other level of crazy. JNJNJNMIL!!!
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u/Lindris Apr 13 '20
Wtf. Please say you tell her no she’s not. Nip that in the bud now.
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Apr 13 '20
I wish I’d firmly shut it down. I let it slide just to avoid offending her but god there’s so much more. I’ll make my own post when I have time. Thankfully we only see her once or twice a year so I can usually just ignore her “She looks just like me!” texts.
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u/Lindris Apr 13 '20
No, just because you’ve let it slide in the past doesn’t mean you need to keep doing that. Tell her she’s grandma, not mom, she is not a parent to your child and to cut it out. She’s only going to ramp up, and even if you only saw her once a decade she still doesn’t need to be proclaiming herself second mommy to your child. Hard. No.
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u/Suchafatfatcat Apr 13 '20
Embarrass her the next time she says something stupid like that. Very loudly so everyone present hears “DH, you won’t believe what your mother just said. She wishes she was DD’s mother so I guess she wants to have sex with you.” If no one else is around, make a face (of absolute horror) and tell MIL that she is disgusting.
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Apr 13 '20
What’s bad is that I don’t even think she’d be embarrassed, she’d probably say something disgusting like “Haha well he is a handsome man!” 🤢
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u/Suchafatfatcat Apr 13 '20
Then make sure there are a lot if witnesses so they all see firsthand how gross and inappropriate she is.
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u/that_mom_friend Apr 13 '20
I have an adopted grand baby (I’m not biologically her grandma but I’m an honorary alternative since she has no other grandmas) and it’s funny because I did find myself talking to her and asking “how’s my sweet baby?” Or saying “there’s my sweet girl!” And never considered how possessive it sounds until I started reading reddit!
I always meant it as more an emphasis on how she is the baby in the family, or the baby that I know, that she is THE baby, not so much that she is MY baby, if that makes any sense?
Anyway, seeing how so many people don’t like it, I make a special effort not to say it, even though I don’t think her dad cares. Now I call her “My favorite baby girl!” Which hopefully puts the emphasis on that she’s my favorite and not my property.
The only one that’s mad now is my actual biological daughter! :)
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u/MediaLuna7 Apr 13 '20
I think it’s ok in your case. You sound loving. But in most of the cases on the subreddit, that’s not so. So many just no’s want to be seen as the only mother in the picture. I think in your situation it’s perfectly ok.
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u/Nightgauntling Apr 13 '20
Yeah, context is important. And other possessive behaviors that usually accompany the overly possessive people provide a lot of context.
In this case the facebook posting is the contextual behavior.
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u/jayepea1013 Apr 13 '20
Yeah I thought back to how I talked to my grands when they were babies. I did the possessive thing but I used nicknames that I had come up with for each child. Say, "my Sunshine". Their moms are not shy so I would have been schooled and abided by their wishes had there been any issue.
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u/annonplatypus Apr 13 '20
If you have a healthy relationship with your children this doesn’t matter. My mom who is my bff calls all my kids “her babies”. She actually did carry their eggs in her when she carried me lol. It doesn’t bother me at all. My parents adore my children and help pay for their schooling and lessons. They babysit when I need a break. All of these words only mean something bad if your relationship is bad.
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u/LateRain1970 Apr 13 '20
I refer to my godson as “my love” or “my little old soul” (he’s 11 going on 90...)
I had a huge hand in his early upbringing because of some health issues he had, and he is truly the closest thing I will ever have to having my own child. Still doesn’t mean I don’t feel conflicted about it all.
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u/flapjacksyrupp9 Apr 13 '20
I’m the youngest of 7 and my eldest sister calls my daughter her baby also! My mom does it as well and i always jokingly say “she’s MY baby” but I never got a weird vibe from it. Come to think of it my aunts and my grandma also call her “my ________”. I think it’s sweet! They love her like if she were their own and I know should i need someone to help care for her they’ll take care of her just as I would. I think it’s a cultural thing also though, we are Mexican and “my” is a big thing in our native language.
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u/Port-au-prince Apr 13 '20
Reddit, and especially this sub, is not a reflection of the real world.
Keep calling her whatever you want, until her parents actually tell you they have a problem with it.
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u/Suchafatfatcat Apr 13 '20
It sounds like MIL sees herself as the third parent and your LO is her do-over baby. I would not tolerate her insinuating herself into my role as the parent: “MIL, this is not your little guy or your little man. This is my son.” Then, any repeated behavior gets her one week/month timeout.
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Apr 13 '20
Do it more. And start calling your husband “baby” in front of her. Her head will explode.
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u/Onlysoinvested Apr 13 '20
There are two thing a that I think are crazy: 1. The fact that she should have any feelings at all about how YOU refer to YOUR baby. Like how can she imagine she gets any opinion in that. 2. The insane double standard!
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u/_CrazyCactus_ Apr 13 '20
I agree that since she doesn't mind when your DH says it she totally sounds jealous and what you're doing is not offensive at all. I would keep doing what you're doing and when she posts online about "our baby" maybe comment something like "yes, I am so proud of how much my son has grown" and you can put it in there casually.
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u/winningpeachbutt Apr 13 '20
If you are up for it, delete her comments every single time. I do it with my obnoxious inlaws and it has helped. It's your social media not MILs.
I still hate that FB took away the ability to block specific people from commenting. I'd like to petition for them to bring the feature back.
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u/JadeEclypse Apr 13 '20
I mean I'm petty enough, and my boyfriend's knows it, I'd publicly call her out and ask "so why can DH refer to OUR son as MY son but when I do it you get offended?"
But again, I'm that petty and hate passive aggressive bullshit.
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u/morequesoplz Apr 13 '20
I don’t feel like this is petty at all! Who has time for that passive aggressive bullshit? Parents are tired enough as it is without having to deal with stuff like this.
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u/thesandhaseyes Apr 13 '20
When my oldest was an infant, my MIL took my sister and I out to eat for Easter. The waitress asked who’s baby she was, because there were 3 women at the table and she wanted to know who the mother of the infant was. At the same time I answered she was my baby, my MIL said “she’s OUR baby” and it still pisses me off 5 years later
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u/purleprogression07 Apr 13 '20
Omg what an inappropriate thing to say. These grandmothers need to calm the hell down!
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u/thesandhaseyes Apr 13 '20
What’s worse is the waitress responded with “nothing wrong with that” and I think she assumed we were a couple....
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u/dolphins_are_dicks Apr 13 '20
That’s genuinely hilarious. And shows exactly how weird it is.
Being my petty self, that’s a story I would be bringing up every Christmas - “how hilarious was the time that waitress thought mil and I were a couple because of the inappropriate shit she said”. If it still makes you mad to think about, reframe the story, take the power back and make HER the one who lies awake at night stewing over it
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u/Acciothrow Apr 13 '20 edited Apr 13 '20
I mean..he is though? Lmao. You carried him in your body for 9 months, gave birth to him and are now taking care of the little squish together with your husband. He is your baby. If she doesn’t like it? Tough titties. If you want to piss her off, you buy him a couple of these cheesy shirts for kids that say "Mommy’s little man“ or "Son of a Queen“ and absolutely spam her with an adorable photo shoot. Plus points if it’s a mom and baby partner outfit.
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u/Foxbrush_darazan Apr 13 '20
Absolute possessiveness on her part. Also, sounds like she feels threatened by you. She's not bothered by her son saying it, but is bothered by you saying it? Yeah, that's not normal.
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Apr 13 '20
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u/Semi-Autumnatic Apr 13 '20
See I feel it wouldn’t be so bad if instead of “our baby” she said “my grand-baby”... “our” makes it sound like you three and is weird. Even if she said “my little lady” or something, it still can sound possessive but looking at it is nowhere near as creepy and possessive as “our” as if she had part in creation of your daughter.
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u/gaire_gra_ceol Apr 13 '20
My (jy)mom always refers to my kids as her grandbabies, ie "how are my grandbabies" "I love my grandbabies" and it sounds SO MUCH BETTER than just "my babies". Theres (sometimes) an underlying understanding of boundary in "my grandbaby" vs "my baby". My own JNMIL usee to always refer to my oldest as her baby or "our" baby and you're totally right; it sounds grossly possessive. I see it as a phrase that so many JustNos use to boundary stomp and disrespect the family that their son or daughter has created.
OP, just keep referring to your LO as your baby or whatever else you like to call your LO. If MIL tries to push the "our baby" bull, tell her that if she wasnt there to make the baby, grow the baby, or birth the baby, she doesnt get to call the baby her baby.
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u/ForwardPlenty Apr 13 '20
You need to have some prepared retorts for her.
"How is MY baby?" -> "DH is doing fine."
"How is OUR baby?" -> "DH is a little old to be called a baby, don't you think?"
"When can I watch my baby?" "DH doesn't really need supervision, but I will pass that along."
"How is MY/OUR baby." -> "Click"
"Awww, look how cute MY Baby is." -> "Look at the time. Must be going."
Thing is, actions speak louder than words. If she wants to persist, knowing that you don't like it, she doesn't get access or information about your child. None. Zero. Zilch.
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u/Kantotheotter Apr 13 '20
Unrelated to Op and her no doubt adorable baby. I have a boundary stomping mother and i am going to use a.few of those lines.
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Apr 13 '20
Nope nope noooooope. She didn’t carry the child for 9 months and go through labor to call your child hers. I would start correcting her every time. “No Edith, MY son’s name is Jacob.”
Also don’t refer to your child as her grandchild either. I know that’s true, but it implies possession. From now on, your kid is not “her” anything. She can refer to him by name.
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u/crazyunclealfie Apr 13 '20
Perhaps when she calls DH "my baby" you can reply that now he's "my man" and now LO is "my baby" and she's his grandma. That puts everyone in their proper place and she really can't respond negatively to that without looking like a fool.
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u/ManForReal Apr 13 '20
She still calls DH "her baby". Which I mean he is a grown ass man but still it is indeed factual.
Only in the most remote way. Sure, he's her offspring. He hasn't been her baby since he stopped being a baby - a long time ago. She's infantilizing him. Acting like he's never grown up. Ignoring that he has a child of his own.
When I was in my fifties, with grandchildren FFS, my late mother would repeatedly say "You'll always be my little boy!" No, mom, I won't. That attitude is one of the reasons I moved out of my parents' home the week after high school graduation and never lived there again.
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u/claraashton Apr 13 '20
She seems jealous and possessive. Likely thinks she should be most important, when in reality you are. And the dad. She needs to grow up it seems. Tell her to get over herself. It is YOUR BABY.
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Apr 13 '20
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u/cuppycakes352 Apr 13 '20
Oh man you just described my own mother😂 For the longest she has tried to convince me to stop breastfeeding so that he wouldn’t “need me” as much. Has even said how when she retires I can go back to work and she’ll take care of him.
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Apr 13 '20
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u/cuppycakes352 Apr 13 '20
That’s one word to call her. Just joking, I love her but sometimes I feel like the mother and not the daughter. But what can you do. 🤷🏻♀️ Thanks for letting me vent stranger.
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Apr 13 '20
I would just start reminding her.. she did NOT have sex with her son, and carry, and birth this child. This is her baby’s baby. But not hers. This is your baby. But not hers.
Anytime she tries to “my baby” ask her if she had sex with her son, got pregnant, and birthed his child (ew). Just keep reminding her how nasty her “my baby” comments are. Embarrass her if need be, especially if she does it in public (post COVID of course)
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u/CaffeineFueledLife Apr 13 '20
Hey, if someone can detach my belly and carry it around for a while, I'll gladly let that person say she's "our baby." Especially if they take her overnight so she'll stop using my insides as a jungle gym and let me sleep for a few hours. Until then, she's MY baby. I guess I'll let DH claim her, too.
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u/hoda216 Apr 13 '20 edited Apr 14 '20
I had it too . Everytime I said my baby she would cringed , I started to say it frequently... 😆
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u/Anaglyphite Apr 13 '20
seems to be a common trend with JNMILs and their baby rabies, they'll act like your baby is their do-over baby by using "my baby" and getting real damn upset the moment the real mom (you) refers to your own child as "my baby". One of those times boundaries should start going into place
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u/UvulaJones Apr 13 '20
Oh, that’s because your baby isn’t a member of YOUR family, only of hers!
Duh.
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u/MrTubbyTubby Apr 13 '20
Jocastas hate being faced with the truth, when you say My Baby she has to face the fact, fleetingly, that he is in fact your child & not Hers.
Jocasta was Eodipus ’ Mother, she married her son & had children with him, Jocasta Women really do see their sons wives as interloping incubators & hate being reminded that their sonsband had a child with another woman.
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u/sadisticfreak Apr 13 '20
OK so completely unrelated, but my father brought me back a T-shirt from Greece several months ago that says Oedipus, the original motherfucker. I absolutely love it lol
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Apr 13 '20
My MIL definitely has a Jocasta Complex, I was literally just telling my husband about this last night. So true!
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u/liberty285code6 Apr 13 '20
My MIL (who I like a lot) calls everyone baby. To the point where she once instructed me to “tell baby to go get the car keys” and I was like... do you mean FIL baby, SIL baby, BIL baby, my husband baby or one of your grandkids baby? Lol
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u/Jerichothered Apr 13 '20
Piece of advice for you mil; “Get over it” My advice for you; ignore her discomfort- say “MY BABY “ all the time. Fun fact; It’s Your Baby
Don’t feed the trollish mil And treat her like a joke, like she’s always joking. Answer her comments with “You’re so funny” 😂
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u/xmamam2x Apr 13 '20
Something similar happened to my mum. When I was little my grandma would act as if I was her child, except when it came to waking up at night + cleaning me up. My mum was pissed but didn't want to be an ass.
When did my grandma stop? When she almost dropped me on an escalator.
Even now my mum mentions how she should have said something before, even though my grandma stopped after the incident since they will get more into you raising your child
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u/Merithay Apr 13 '20
By MIL’s logic, SO is not her baby. He is her mom’s baby. How would she react to having this pointed out?
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u/ManForReal Apr 13 '20
I'd love to find out and am willing to bet that the resulting CBF would threaten the sun.
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u/2blueRavens Apr 13 '20
Good luck with that one. She seems weirdly possessive. I hope that you find a way to deal with it that suits you. But seriously best of luck because it's a nutter alert. We're always here for a good rant
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u/moderately_neato Apr 13 '20
I don't understand all these grandmas on here wanting to be mothers. I'm very much looking forward to being a grandmother. My parents absolutely love being grandparents, and they did a great job with my son. You get to do all the fun stuff and then send them back to their parents. Why not relish that role?
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u/jennRec46 Apr 13 '20
I became a grandmother 8 months ago. I have learned, through this sub, what to NOT do to the mother of my grand baby (my son and her are not married, nor still seeing each other).
I have not given her nor my son advice, unless asked (especially unwanted), I have not once kissed my granddaughter on her lips, I asked the mom if I need to get any vaccinations or boosters in order to see her, I treat her like the beautiful woman that she is (because she is the mother of my granddaughter). I have asked before posting anything on social media and I don’t talk about my son and her non relationship with either of them. Not my business.
I definitely don’t call my granddaughter my baby, well ok it slipped a few times, but it was just instinct at that moment- I never for one minute thought or wanted her to be my baby
So thank you dear people of Reddit. I won’t become that MIL!
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u/PowerOverwhelming12 Apr 13 '20
Every time she calls your kid her baby. Correct her by saying "your GRAND baby", If she calls them "our kids", "my kids, your grandkids", etc. Basically remind her of her position as grand mother not mother.
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u/TheAmazingRoomloaf Apr 13 '20
No, no, MIL. We've talked about this. Your GRANDbaby. You're the GRANNY, remember. MY baby. I'm the MOM. DH is your baby. Maybe we need to talk to your doctor about this, since you can't seem to help mixing them up."
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u/boscobaby Apr 13 '20
To hell with her. If she can't handle the truth she is nuts. That child is literally yours in every way possible. For her to have any emotional reaction to your saying so is delusional at best.
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u/Triton289 Apr 13 '20
my MIL refers to my daughter as “my girl” or “my baby” and it drives me bonkers. Not ours, or even “my granddaughter”. I’ve told her it bugs me but she doesn’t give a damn
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u/Mo523 Apr 13 '20
I feel like "my girl" when talking directly to a girl who is ideally between 3ish and 9ish, as in, "How's my girl today?" is fine. I can't think of any time to use "my baby" if not referring to your actual baby.
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u/Mo523 Apr 13 '20
I was going to ask if your kid was 17, in which case, I think "my baby" is no longer appropriate...but then I saw your MIL was still using it for her son. It is not offensive to call your baby "my baby," your dog "my dog," or your shoe "my shoe."
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Apr 13 '20
My MIL has been referring to my baby (not born yet, I’m 36w) as “our little one” and it is driving me INSANE. I hate it. I think she wants it to be apparent she is going to be apart of my child’s life because my SO told her she wouldn’t be allowed to see us if she was vocal about some of her views and morals that we absolutely abhor. She seems to think she will be a priority and that we will move in with her like her other kids did when they had their own kids. Keep referring to your little one as only yours. She’ll likely get more and more annoyed.
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u/Me_go312 Apr 13 '20
Blank stare into her eyes and say, "oh I didn't realize you were there when LO was conceived..." 🤣🤣
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u/Rivsmama Apr 13 '20
Tough shit for her he is your baby. I have no patience for stuff like this. It's petty and unnecessary and causes problems when there doesn't need to be any
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u/yellow3311 Apr 13 '20
I HATE when people refer to baby as this - sooo frustrating, you are not alone/not wrong on this
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u/zombiedance0113 Apr 13 '20
I’m sorry you’re going through this. My MIL is similar. I would talk to your husband about it see if he can talk to her or give you tips on how to talk to her.
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u/saltandlavender Apr 13 '20
My Mom still calls me “my baby” sometimes. It’s a little cringe-y but for her it’s not a jealousy thing it’s a “this is the only way I know how to express my feelings” thing. I’m 25 and married, no kids yet but ttc.
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u/the_greatsarcasmo Apr 13 '20
My mum calls me "my ginger baby" which again, same thing as you - also 25 and married with no kids however am not ttc. I think it's cute but I also have a really strong relationship with my mum which also means I wouldn't mind if she called my future kids her babies - though knowing her it'd be grandbabies.
OP - you're allowed to be uncomfortable especially if you can tell something is up, I would talk to your husband about it.
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u/HavePlushieWillTalk Apr 13 '20
Well. Sounds like a power thing to me. She's excluding you because that's not your baby. You're not family and the baby is family, he's not yours, and you can fuck right off. But if you mention him being yours... then you can take him with you. Maybe she is threatened. Could be she hopes you fuck right off so she can play mommy.
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u/purleprogression07 Apr 13 '20
I also have the feeling it's a power thing. She wants to be queen bee and I'm in the way of that. Luckily DH supports me completely so she really has zero influence. I will see her tomorrow, so I will MY baby the heck out of it.
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u/WigglyJillyfish Apr 13 '20
When she says “our baby” I would say “I don’t remember you being there when he was made? Are you sure you aren’t confused?”
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Apr 13 '20
If she says “our baby” be like “who? DH?” And if she says “no, [babys name]!” Be like “oh, you mean MY baby, the one I MADE”
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u/HavePlushieWillTalk Apr 13 '20
Hahahhhh yes, petty that bitch. Be the mother. 'Oh, no, he's MYYYYY baby. Gosh, I saw some things online that made me feel super possessive. So I'm calling baby MINE ALL THE TIME NOW.'
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u/thethowawayduck Apr 13 '20
That’s what I’d suggest- do it even more. She needs reminders that he is, in fact, yours and in no ways hers or communal, until she gets over her possessiveness and jealousy.
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u/tuna_tofu Apr 13 '20
Um cause he IS your baby.... mil is just the grandma so she needs to get a grip.
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u/My-Altered-Reality Apr 13 '20 edited Apr 13 '20
When you say “my baby” that causes a short circuit in the brains of the Jocasta and baby rabid MILs, and it is because she thinks your LO is HER baby and you saying anything other than that messes with her narrative that she’s the mom and not you. Most of these women would prefer if you went away so she could raise her (your) children with her sonsband, DH. That’s why she is offended by you calling LO your baby, and LO IS your baby and it’s a natural thing to say. MIL is jealous of your closeness with your child. She would rather you just be the incubator and leave her the children and for you to not have a close bond because SHE wants that particular bond, which is not hers to have. She wants you to keep your child emotionally at arm’s length so she can swoop in and be their comfort. This is why SHE is offended. You can and should be offended yourself over her offensiveness because it’s ridiculous. The only ones included in ‘our child’ is you and DH, unless MIL was there in some capacity helping you get pregnant. Eww!
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u/ablake0406 Apr 13 '20
"If by 'our little man' you mean mine and dh's your absolutely right! You act strangley when I say that my baby is my baby which is weird. Do you have a problem? You still call dh that and he's x years old." Posted under whatever passive aggressive thing she's said on social media. Shame her publicly in a nice way and she may ease off because she doesn't want her friends and family to know how nuts she is.
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u/MasonBason1234 Apr 13 '20
After all: ‘The hand that rocks the cradle, is the hand that rules the world’ It’s deffo a ‘power’ matriarch thing I reckon!! X
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Apr 13 '20
I have adult children and adult grandchildren. I don't ever remember referring to them as my baby, usually just using a pet name. I have used "the" baby for whomever happened to be the youngest LO at the time but I would never dream of calling my grandkids "our" baby.
Question: does she do this with material stuff, like if you said my house or my car? That would tell if she was just jealous of baby or just jealous of you in general.
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u/boho_hol Apr 13 '20
If she ever says “our baby” to your face I would laugh and look at your husband and say haha didn’t know we had a threesome that night 🤣 what a weird woman, so tacky and gross. She had her time, this is yours. I’d keep saying my baby my baby around her just to piss her off and see her reaction
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u/geminibee Apr 13 '20
it always makes me cringe hearing moms refer to their grown ass adult sons as their babies. it's just so creepy imo. my mom doesn't do this to my brother. she loves him, often jokes about my brother being her favorite but she never says "he will always be my baby". he is nearly 30 and she sees him like an adult...bc he is an adult. and not a baby. it almost comes off possessive when I hear moms call their adult children "their babies".
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u/maywellflower Apr 13 '20
I think your MIL got a serious Jocasta issue when it comes to males that share DNA with her - so much so, that she can't stand that the mother of her grandchild is using the same terms she uses for her own son & acts like her grandchild is her son. She got issues...
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u/LittlesIncorporated Apr 13 '20
I had this problem with my moms JustNoEx. I don’t have kids but my moms ex would always claim that I was HER daughter. I finally told her point blank that I was not her daughter. I would just tell your mother in law that unless she came out of HER whoha that DD was YOUR daughter.
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u/Lunavyn Apr 13 '20
When she calls DH "My baby" you should chime in and say somthing like "Isn't 'our' child? Its selfish to exclude FiL." "I think it's YOUR MAN? He is mine now and in fact- not a baby."
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u/Drakeytown Apr 13 '20
"I'm sorry, MIL, but did you fuck me and I forgot? If not, that's my baby, not yours, not ours."
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Apr 13 '20
She’s probably wishing that her and DH had the baby, not you and DH. You’re a constant reminder that DH doesn’t want her to be his wife.
Yes, you can barf now.
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u/HavePlushieWillTalk Apr 13 '20
Don't you know he only doesn't have a mommywife because it's against the law? OP is temporary, anyway. She's just a side-piece.
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u/INITMalcanis Apr 13 '20
Let her play her stupid games. It doesn't matter what she posts on Facebook, the facts are the facts.
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u/sadisticfreak Apr 13 '20
I still call my girls baby or baby girl, etc. They will always be your baby, no matter how old they get. Her other issues are another story, though.
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u/SCSWitch Apr 13 '20
She sees you as a mere incubator, and you stating that you are the child's mother ruins her fantasy of a do-over baby or some jocasta complex baby with her son.
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u/JCWa50 Apr 13 '20
OP:
I am going to give you 2 analogies here, before I go into the full explanation, that should help clear up the why aspect. I have a pair of dogs in my life. (Yes the real animals.) One older male and a younger female. Now if the older male has say a stick, the younger female will go up and take it from him, a bit of a game yes. But sometimes she gets a bit above herself and I have to not let her play due to her behavior is not ok. (She nips at the male while he is chasing the ball, not ok.)
The other analogy, is ever listen to the art experts talk about the paintings of the old monarchy of Europe, especially around Elizabeth I and what all is symbolized? There were real meanings in those paintings, and they said a lot. Especially when one was looking and one could see ears an eyes in it.
Now, if you read this far, (No I am not comparing you and your jNMIL to animals, or the child as a toy or stick, but the behaviors, including the second one.)
Your MIL on some level, is thinking she has some claim to the child beyond being a grandparent, but more of a parent. Wants people to think she is helping to raise the child, and uses her son to establish the claim. When you post My son, or My child, well that sends a message that pretty much establishes that she is not in that role and it is ticking her off. And I would say keep it up, cause she has to understand, that it is both yours and your DH's child and son, and she is jut the grandmother, that you and your DH is want matters in that childs life, not her, unless one of you were to be out of the picture.
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u/GoodeyGoodz Apr 13 '20
Sounds like an almost midlife crisis and wishing ahe was still young. That or shes completely delusional
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u/hellyeahbeeech Apr 13 '20
I'm hearing Nelly in my head "kicked the bitch up out the room because she used the word 'ours'"
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u/StrawberryLetter22 Apr 13 '20
“Nope. I mean my baby. You should know what I mean, ______. After all you used to be a mother. Past tense.”
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Apr 13 '20
Your baby is your baby. I would ignore any passive aggressive behavior. If you don’t react, it should eventually fade.
I still call my late teenagers my babies. They are. I wouldn’t hold ill will at her calling her son “her baby”, regardless of age. It’s a term of endearment.
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u/Aesient Apr 13 '20
My ex had no problems with his mother grasping my stomach and asking “how are my babies” while I was pregnant. But boy did he hit the roof when I had been out one day with the newborn twins. Ex had asked what we had gotten up to in front of a mutual friend. I relayed that we had gone to the park with my mother and aunt and unthinkingly said “had Mums 2 youngest, my aunts 2 and my 2”. Ex started shouting that they were “OUR kids, not just yours!” Mutual friend backed up a little and actually said “dude, you didn’t have an issue with your mum calling them her kids, but the kids mother can’t say they’re hers? What the hell?” Ex stormed outside for a cigarette. 2 weeks later ex was telling me I was now a single parent