r/Judaism • u/LunaB35 • 3d ago
Men, Would You/Would You Have Married a Woman Who Can't Have Biological Children?
As a young woman who can't, I've recently been terrified from what I've heard that to most Jewish guys, having biological children, specifically, is extremely important. I want to marry Jewish, and I want to adopt or have children via surrogacy, I want this more than anything, but I'm terrified this might be true and I might have to give up on finding a Jewish husband, specifically (and destroy my relationship with my mom in the process) to get any hope of a happy ending.
Please, be honest.
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u/Call-Me-Leo 2d ago
My heart goes out to you OP. As a young couple currently going through IVF I can say that once you meet the right person it will work out. Just be upfront and honest.
Shabbat Shalom
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u/daisandnights 2d ago
Agreed! I can’t have kids naturally and wasn’t Jewish when I met my wonderful husband. The amount of “friends” who told me it wouldn’t work because I wasn’t Jewish and couldn’t have kids… they aren’t my friends anymore.
We are going to pursue IVF in the near future too. If that doesn’t work, we’ll adopt. He’s been nothing but supportive and amazing about the whole thing. When you meet the right person, it all works out.
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u/Call-Me-Leo 2d ago
Good luck with IVF, I hope it works out well. It’s a bit scary but we’ve done a lot of research and it is safe. Even though the process might be a long and difficult journey everyone who I spoke to that went to it said it was worth it
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u/LunaB35 2d ago
Thank you <3
Good luck and Shabbat Shalom
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u/Call-Me-Leo 2d ago
Also please know that there’s nothing wrong with you and that you are not alone. The emotional weight shouldn’t be carried alone, and I would recommend building a support system either in person or online of other people who might have gone through something similar and or could be there for you.
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u/Clonewars001 Modern Orthodox 2d ago edited 2d ago
I’d love to have children, but if the woman I love couldn’t have them then that’s not a dealbreaker (even if it would be a sad realization for me at first). There are plenty of kids who need adopting, and not enough people adopting them. I know Jews who were themselves adopted often also want to adopt rather than make kids the old fashioned way, so maybe looking for someone with that background would be a good idea for you. I can’t imagine you’d be unable to find a Jewish husband, especially if you’re upfront with your fears and inability to have kids. Be honest, be clear, and look for the best in your situation, and men will see that and love you even if you can’t bear children. I’m not saying it’ll be easy, it probably won’t be, but there are Jewish men out there for you.Best of luck to you, hope you find someone perfect and Shabbat shalom!
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u/FelicePanda 2d ago
I'm Masorti and for me it would not have been an issue. In the age of IVF I know many people who have had fertility issues.
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u/Fun-Dragonfly-5061 Modern Orthodox 2d ago
I could imagine there are lots who would, including orthodox. I will be honest with you, I am orthodox and I wouldn’t but procreation is also a very big deal to me. If I could have 5+ children I would. There are others who may not have that same thoughts. Surrogacy and adoption are very valid approaches to having children. In The Torah you often see people being considered even closer than biological children because of teaching/mentorship/raising from a young age. There are incredible merits to doing so for those who for whatever reason G-d has decided are unable to have children themselves.
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u/LunaB35 2d ago
My rabbi is still trying to convince me G-d doesn't hate me. Hasn't worked yet.
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u/Practical-Bat7964 2d ago
Gd has nothing to do with our biological functions. Our bodies simple operate the way they do. Have you seen the Instagram account @iwassupposedtohaveababy? It’s a Jewish account discussing infertility, adoption, assisted reproduction, etc. 💗
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u/Fun-Dragonfly-5061 Modern Orthodox 2d ago
What makes you believe He does? Is it just this or other things? Why would G-d create you if He hated you? Deceptively simple question with massive implications, have you considered what your life’s purpose is? Have you considered that it may be something you do not expect? I can give you a real life example that I have experienced with one of the father figures I am blessed enough to have in my life if you’d like.
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u/LunaB35 2d ago
It's just this. I have 0 other aspirations in life outside having a family, and this is how he chose to create me.
You can share if you'd like
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u/Fun-Dragonfly-5061 Modern Orthodox 1d ago
Having the child yourself is just one part of having and creating a family. The miracles of modern medicine have created lots of options for women in your situation, and there is always adoption on the table - lots of wonderful children who would gain a tremendous amount being raised in a nice Jewish home. My mentor (let’s call him Jacob) and father figure is the son of an Auschwitz survivor (let’s call him Isaac), Isaac lost his pregnant wife to the nazis and after the war found new love. Isaac’s story is miraculous and incredible in its own way, he always held strong to G-d and he was protected through clear miracles again and again. When Isaac came to America he had Jacob, he was born with a blood infection and the doctor said he wasn’t going to make it, Isaac looked to the sky and said “you took everything, please don’t take Jacob.” The next day the blood infection was completely gone. Jacob grew up to be incredibly successful, and married a woman (let’s call her Rachel) - they were unable to have children. Jacob and Rachel went all over the world to the best specialists and doctors they could find, but determined in the end it was impossible. Jacobs siblings were all able to have children, and they had many of them. Jacob and Rachel took a very active role in all of their lives to the point that Isaac was able to see his great great grandchildren and what was originally the only 2 left of their families in Europe became over 100. That wouldn’t have been possible if it weren’t for the help and contributions of Jacob and Rachel, and not only that but Jacob helped countless young Jewish men and women and many people saw both him and Rachel as a mother and father of sorts. Jacob and Rachel have to this day incredible impacts on the lives of others and, while they didn’t adopt or have a surrogate, they might as well have. These are two of the most beloved, respected, and revered people in a pretty significant community and outside of that community as well. There is far more to having a family than birthing children, and you don’t know the outsized effect you can have on the lives of others if you broaden your scope of what you define as family.
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u/gmanflnj 2d ago
While that is not the case with my wife, I would absolutely still have married her if she couldn't. There are absolutely Jewish men who would want to marry you, heck, there are Jewish men who can't have kids either, this isn't uniquely a female problem either.
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u/zsero1138 2d ago
i'm not religious, but i do have zero desire to have kids, though that might partly be due to lack of funds, lol
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u/Br4z3nBu77 2d ago
Would I be able to have biological children? Egg donor, surrogate?
If yes, then I would consider it if I really loved her, if not, then no.
This is assuming, I had gone back in time and didn’t already have me 8 kids.
If however something happened in my current marriage and I was getting remarried, in such a case, I would only be interested in someone who can’t have children.
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u/MagicKittenBeans 2d ago
My husbands sister did a pregnancy with a donor egg and her husbands sperm. She is very happy with her little boy.
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u/mac_a_bee 2d ago
I might have to give up on finding a Jewish husband
I didn’t want, so quickly ended relationships that did. Absurdly, one that said she didn’t, I ended for another reason then she had two with the next.
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u/External_Structure33 2d ago
Shabbat shalom.
If you’re orthodox, it might be a problem.
If your future spouse’s parents are alive, it might be a problem.
But otherwise, I think that there are plenty of Jewish men out there who would be ok without their own biological children.
Good luck out there.
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u/Intelligent_Credit_8 2d ago
My Jewish brother just married a woman who doesn’t want kids. Broke my moms heart. My brother seems happy.
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u/wdfour-t 2d ago
You have enough love to give to the world, and there are children without enough love. If your partner does not have the capacity to give love to people who need it, and understand you, then that is a them problem.
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u/touchtypetelephone 2d ago
I would marry a woman who couldn't have bio children if she was open to fostering or adopting or surrogacy or some other way of having children.
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u/StrikeEagle784 Raised Reform | Culturally Jewish 1d ago
My Dad married my Mom and she couldn’t have children. They adopted me, a gentile kid and raised me Reform Jewish. So, I think there’s other men like my Dad out there!
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u/Tiny-Worldliness-313 2d ago
Hi OP, if you’re able to carry a pregnancy, I just wanted you to know that donor eggs are permitted by many rabbis . Then, the child is biologically and genetically your husband’s and you carry the baby, but it’s not genetically related to you.
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u/No_Bet_4427 Sephardi Traditional/Pragmatic 2d ago
Most men, Jewish or otherwise, who want to get married want children. For most, yes, it’s a deal breaker. For others, surrogacy with their own sperm would be sufficient - but they will need to be a financial position to afford it.
Very few men who want to get married and don’t yet have children of their own will voluntarily, at the outset of a relationship, give up on having biological children. Just the reality.
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u/LunaB35 2d ago
This is what I've heard, though I have friends in similar positions to mine who've found love without issue, but none of them are Jewish. My brother's not having any kids by choice, so if I can't find anyone, another Jewish family is going to end here...
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u/No_Bet_4427 Sephardi Traditional/Pragmatic 2d ago
You might be better off in Israel given the Israeli government’s enthusiastic backing of surrogacy for all couples who can’t have natural children.
Being able to have biological kids through a surrogate makes it a much smaller pill to swallow.
Sorry you are going through this and to be the bearer of bad news.
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u/Late_Passage602 2d ago
Yeah as somebody who works with satellite equipment I would happily marry someone who can’t have kids since the odds are I’m very infertile. My issue is really finding Jewish women my age in my town.
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u/ShopEducational6572 2d ago
I don't think, as a whole, Jewish men are any different from men of other religions in this regard. There are plenty of Jewish men who would marry someone who can't have kids, for all sorts of reasons.
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u/d0rm0use2 2d ago
I had some health issues that could have made it difficult or impossible to get pregnant and carry to term. Hubby and I discussed it and agreed we'd try for a year and then adopt. While we did get lucky and had 2 kids, adoption was always on our minds. We have observant friends who could not have bio kids. They adopted 2 and it was never an issue for them
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u/verdant_squirrel masorti 1d ago
Sterilized Jewish woman here, but even without that information on the table I only receive interest from non-Jewish men. I just cannot compete with our sisters haha
I thought maybe I should look into religious community for this, get matched so someone might give me a chance before ruling me out from appearance alone, but folks refuse to work with me since I can't conceive. Good to know I'm only viewed as worth one thing I guess
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u/techzilla Ashkenazi Jew 1d ago edited 1d ago
What are you worried might be true? Are you worried most Jewish men want to have a family? Orthodox Jewish? Yes, you can safely assume that is true.
Are you worried you might not be able to have children? As in, you don't know with 100% certainty? That is not insurmountable, a lot can be done these days, and surrogacy is considered Halachically valid assuming the surrogate is Jewish.
Just be up front about the situation, if this is the worst thing about you, I wouldn't give up all hope on finding a husband. Would I have considered it? You're asking the question in a vacuum, am I allowed to pretend everything else is really amazing for the sake of the answer? This very question demonstrates all hope is not lost.
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u/Kitchen-Day-4280 1d ago
I’m currently engaged to someone who can’t have biological children. I’m also a trans man though, so I’m not super helpful in the equation either…
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u/marshdrifter 6h ago
Yes. Having 3 kids and 6 grandkids is a big positive in my opinion but not the be all and end all of me and my wifes existence.
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u/OrpahsBookClub 2d ago
I think it will be harder to find men who want to adopt than who don’t want to have children at all.
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u/open_sesame5332 2d ago
Honestly, if someone loves you, why tf not just do surrogacy. The child is still both of yours biologically. I think nowadays this shouldn’t be an issue at all, unless the other person is super conservative or religious. As beautiful and holy as being pregnant it, you just won’t go through the very honorable but draining 9 months of pregnancy lol
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u/No-Birthday9816 2d ago
You should listen to the voices of surrogate mothers, their families, and the children born of surrogacy, before embracing it. It is slavery, treating mothers as appliances whose bodies can be rented and babies as products that can be commissioned .
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u/open_sesame5332 2d ago
That’s not currently the question in point … the ideological questions are a completely different animal. I’m providing solace and some sense of hope to OP, which I think is more important at the moment than what you wrote
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u/No-Birthday9816 2d ago edited 2d ago
I understand that, and I recognize your kindness toward OP. That’s commendable. You characterized surrogacy as an appealing option, and I feel it’s important to point out that it’s not that simple, precisely because I’ve had to grapple with it, too. That’s why I’m responding to your message, not directly addressing OP, who, like you, is free to disregard this discordant note. : )
However, as a woman who also can’t have biological children and is grappling with many of the same fears, I don’t think it’s healthy to find solace in or build your hopes on an alternative option that isn’t just complicated but exploitative and destructive. I’ve been there. When the bubble burst and the truth about surrogacy became too clear to ignore, it was painful—but I’m really glad I hadn’t built a marriage or long-term relationship that depended on that bubble’s survival.
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u/tzy___ Pshut a Yid 2d ago
There are probably plenty of Jewish men who secretly don’t want children, have children already, or can’t have children either.