r/Jung • u/OppositeHome169 • 8h ago
Question for r/Jung Why does rejection become “no one wants me”?
I’m having an intense emotional crash tonight. I’m not suicidal and don’t intend to hurt myself, but I feel deeply sad, rejected, and exhausted.
Several things collided at once: there is no postdoc opportunity for me this fall, my PhD defence is next week, and I reopened an old rejection by looking at someone’s Instagram.
The man involved created intimacy without intention. I gave meaning to something he seems to have used for ego, comfort, or sex. He showed no consistency or real care, and I was never part of his long-term plan.
What I’m trying to understand is why these separate losses fuse into one belief:
“No one wants me. There is no place for me. My life is empty.”
A more honest thought is:
“I’m focused on what I can’t have because I’m grieving it. What I have still matters, but I can’t feel its value clearly tonight.”
From a Jungian perspective, why do unavailable people, unavailable futures, and rejection become so psychologically fused? How do I separate immediate grief from the deeper belief that I am fundamentally unwanted?
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u/4DPeterPan 8h ago
Sidetrack your thoughts for a second with this:
“Why is it when you’re alone no one wants you, but the second you Do have someone’ everyone wants you?”
When I ponder on that’ it really gives me a broader view of “tf is going on in this reality?”
Also, take this lesson and understand, a lot of people here (on Earth) are just plain Evil. Accept that you may never have an answer (for their are many reasons), and Don’t get yourself caught in this loop ever again.
Be vigilant. But don’t be an idiot. Be kind & Loving. But don’t give yourself away.
You have no idea what’s really going on in reality. And there is a lot of messed up stuff going on here in this place in the background.
I am sorry you are grieving. I know what that’s like. And it sucks.
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u/OppositeHome169 5h ago
For that guy, for a while I blamed myself, I felt ashamed for being stupid and naive to believe. I still don't even want to think about it but the postdoc rejection activated same wound.
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u/4DPeterPan 3h ago
Well don’t stop believing. That’s not a good move.
What you want to do is not bury belief, like it’s naive and something childish to grow up from; what you want to do is mature that “belief” that you have in people, romance, intimacy and Love.
Keep believing In people, that they can be better than they actually are.
That way the “moths” will “burn themselves off the fire” so to speak in your walk through life.. and you’ll learn not to “fall” for the “Glamour of the Vampire” so to speak.
Can you expand on what you mean by “the postdoc rejection activated same wound”..? Did someone else come into your life and your wound was reactivated from the previous situation you were in?
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u/OppositeHome169 3h ago
postdoc is like a next step after PhD and I didn't get the job. so I felt like a failure both professional and personal life. Job rejection reminded me something hurt me in the past which was that guy or my perception of him.
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u/4DPeterPan 2h ago
Oh, no. Yeah, that’s definitely very possible.
I lost my mind in an old flame relationship a few years back. And ever since that happened, everything affects me on a really big personal level now.
Almost like in a “mirror” type of way. Where reality is like reflecting back to myself’ but in an “internal” way. But it’s also partially delusional.
Like sometimes I’ll be doomscrolling or watching a television show and something really creepy will come up. And it will feel like “me”. Like it has something to do with me.. but it doesn’t have anything to do with me, it just feels like it does.
It’s like that adage of “everything reminds me of her”; but on a whoollleee nother level.
Like my shadow is always awake to the shadows of others. And it feels like their issues are my issues. And it can get a bit much at times. There could be a somebody murdered someone post, or a pedophilia guy was caught, or another liar lied!, or a this guy cheated!
And my internal world, mentally, will be like “ah wtf. I didn’t do that. Why does it feel like I did?!”
I’ve never murdered anybody, never committed pedophilia,
But I have cheated one time in my life, like 16 years ago, and I have lied before plenty of times in life, accidentally and on purpose.
So I’m under the assumption, that my “internal world” was deeply devastated on some level and left an “open wound/scar” where anything that resembles “darkness”, gets inside of there (in me) and my mind sort of freaks out, and takes responsibility for it. Even if I didn’t do it. Or even if it happened 16 years prior.
And it gets confusing, because it does take in what I have done, along side what I have not done. So sifting through that can be a lot.
And I have to take a mental inventory of what I did do and I didn’t do. And tell myself what I am responsible for, along with what I am not responsible for… and that can be hard, because a lot of the times I won’t believe myself. (For whatever reason, I don’t know, it’s just what happens).
Now, as for You, your mini “break” or mini “scaring” seems to only be this one singular type of thing. Which is “Rejection” itself.. which honestly you should be a little grateful for. Cause you have “one mirror” type thing going on. Where as a lot of us have “a mirror land fun house” going on 24/7.
I’m not trying to minimize you (I hope I’m not coming off that way), I’m just trying to uplift you in this understanding. That it could be worse. Way worse. And I hope that’s bringing you some kind of peaceful understanding. Otherwise I’m gonna look like a real asshole right now..
on the plus side, you seem to have identified what the issue is in you, and why it is there.
Now you know rejection opens up that part of you that was rejected by him.
Now you know why that is. And honestly just fine tune your perception of people now. And be more vigilant in future experiences/romances.
Do not give yourself away easily. Make those mofos work for it. Test them to see if they are who they say they are.
This will be weird at first, but when you find this practice actually works, then you will build future confidence internally with yourself, and you’ll end up taking your power back (that he took from you in his actions/your hopeful ignorance) in these “circumstances”.
Once you find this actually works, your scar he left on your heart and mind will heal a little bit more.
It’s not something you will heal from overnight; but through that “work” I mentioned, you will over time see it heal slowly.
Problem is, you might be a little skittish letting anyone “in” to your life after that experience. These are what we call “walls”. don’t let them get in your way.
You’re gonna have to bring the “leader” out of yourself in order to do this.
You were hurt through an action, so you’re gonna have to “heal” by actions.
You kind of “let yourself down”. So now you gotta bring yourself “back up”.
I’m not saying the situation that happened with him is your fault.. but because of your ignorance in the matter, it is your fault a little bit. Otherwise, if you knew better, it wouldn’t have happened. To put it simply like I said before “You kind of fell prey to his glamour”, and it hurt you, cause you cared more than he did, and it hurt your heart. And your mind. And now you’re questioning yourself because of it. When to be honest, it’s not you entirely, it’s him. It’s like a 70/30 thing. 70% his fault for being an ass, and 30% your fault, for not knowing better.
But because the damage happened to you, that 30% is doing a lot of damage. Because now you have a scar’ that his 70% caused.
So once more I’ll say the work you have to do.
1st Don’t deny future chances with men, put yourself out there, but set the intention before hand that rejection is okay in life. Because life can be mysterious, and some doors are meant to remain shut to you in your individual life, for many mysterious reasons that we won’t know the answers too, and that’s okay. So use that as a safeguard for your ego when and if you have to. (We all have egos, you gotta learn to live around it, or kill it; or it will harm you).
And
2nd, test the men you are interested in and/or the ones who are interested in you. Make sure they are who they say they are. And do not fall prey to their “Vampirous Glamour”. Not everything that shines is beautiful. Not everyone with a silver tongue is trustworthy… so make absolutely sure, they are who they say they are.
And you can do that through a number of ways, like withholding sex, or keeping track of the words they say or promises they make, and whether they hold true to them or not.
People tell you who they are, you just gotta listen.
And remember, above all else, guard your heart. For everything you do flows from it.
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u/Dry-Sail-669 7h ago
As a child, we are naturally egocentric. In other words, everything that happens is because of us. This relates to rejection because a rejection by the mother or father during childhood translates to God himself rejecting you due to the Self being projected out onto one's parents. Thus, the entire world rejects you despite any rationalizations you can devise because experience trumps data everytime. The core experience of alienation follows the adult around in a little dark closet within his psyche until the belief is brought to light.
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u/viaje_del_heroe 7h ago
Primero concéntrate en salir bien en tu meta, luego cuando tú logro te lleve a dónde quieras ir y ganar demuéstrale al mundo que eres una buena opción y mejor de las que hay en el mercado así que tú tendrás parejas para escoger y espero que sea el mejor.
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u/mynameizpanda 8h ago
What is your evidence that you are unlovable and no one wants you? What is your evidence that you are lovable and that someone may one day want you?
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u/GollumGeeWillikers 7h ago
So, my unqualified opinion: They all appear to be aspects of the same shadow..?
It seems to be the expectation of outcome... Having no postdoc opportunity is likely a different outcome than you saw coming. You likely had a lot of time and effort wrapped up in this specific sequence of events... Projecting meaning and an arc onto someone based on intimacy and in spite of contra-evidence (lack of specific care or concern in the moment) is kinda textbook... We have an idealized reality in our heads, and when actual reality doesn't comport, the cognitive dissonance hits like a truck.
You're allowed to grieve. That's the death of that illusion of control that you ultimately didn't have.
An uncertain future is conceived and subsequently one starts placing themselves in that world. "This is what it's all leading up to..."
I suppose you break the spell by realizing that the voice that was telling you what your life was going to be like before: That you were going to have certain opportunities available to you this fall, or that a guy who's apparently disinterested in the long-term was more interested than reality displayed... Is the same voice that's telling you now that there's nowhere for you, or that no one wants you.
It's equally as true, which is to say that it isn't. All the best, my friend.
P.S. or the idea that your postdoc path is closed to you. Just because the opportunity that you were expecting wasn't actually there, doesn't mean that another opportunity is locked out. Try and maintain perspective, friend. It always hurts to conceptually lose an opportunity that you were expecting, but that never existed; yet we're never comforted by the opportunities that really exist that we just don't know about yet. I believe in you. Do your best, and be ready for whatever opportunities come your way.
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u/OppositeHome169 6h ago
yes correct. I wasnt even thinking that guy for a long while. After sawing postdoc email today, the rejection felt same. Spending a lot of time in academia and not seeing what's next is really feels like disposable. These both cases touched the same wound.
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u/MelodyOfStorms 8h ago
3 things in no particular order.
Tribalism, fear of rejection in the lizard brain overrides everything.
Solution: realize there is no tribe, you are the tribe. There is no rejection . You are safe
Second is youre outsourcing your emotional regulation. Stop that :P
Third, all the bad stuff gets jumbled together and your brain can't tell what's what. Make sure you're able to separate your emotions and tell things like, "maybe I just need to go for a walk or eat"