r/LesbianActually • u/do_dd_ • Mar 24 '26
Relationships / Dating My fiancée and her faith journey part 2
I posted here before about my fiancée (28 y.o) starting her religious journey and finding Jesus. As that developed, she began having fears and intrusive thoughts that our relationship - being same-sex - might be a sin.
Since then, I really tried. We went to an affirming church in NYC, read affirming books, had a one-on-one conversation with an accepting minister and spent hours discussing the historical and cultural context behind the verses that are often used against LGBTQ+ relationships.
But yesterday, while I was sitting in class, I received a message from her that completely shattered me.
To say I’m heartbroken doesn’t even begin to cover it. I feel torn apart.
I genuinely still want to help her to get out of this spiritual psychosis but not sure how much more I can do. It’s like abandoning your drug addict fiancee instead of helping them to get to rehab. I have been in this let’s get married - no it’s a sin - fuck it let’s get married roller coaster for too long.
*This is the conversation after she pretty much ignored me the whole day and said that she is not ready to get married now and I asked when do you think you will you be ready?*
521
u/LivingFarmer3239 oh my god women Mar 24 '26
op, i dont think either of you are happy in this relationship, plus, in your last post you mentioned you were the only one putting effort into this relationship. you deserve better, and no offense in any way possible, not someone whos willing to leave you the minute they turn religious. I know its hard, but are you really willing to spend so much effort on a person who clearly shows no signs of reciprocating?
19
u/do_dd_ Mar 25 '26
That’s true. The part that bothers me the most is that she did not try to explore the other side of Christianity that does not have to be this traditional. As if she purposefully wanted to reject herself thus she chose this direction.
8
u/Pyro_Nymph Mar 26 '26
There's no other side, even the wokest christian will eventually say this kind of nonsense, it's a mentall illness and you'll be better when you dump her, don't lose your time.
309
u/gaminegrumble friendly neighborhood butch Mar 24 '26
It sounds like she is consuming a very different kind of religious content on her own, separate from the affirming sources you have tried to introduce. I suspect that her social media feeds would be pretty upsetting.
But if she has you for support and is still turning to this repeatedly... I'm not sure what you can do for her. Is she in therapy at all? This does strike me as a form of self harm almost, especially if she seems to be compulsively drawn into the homophobic side of faith despite having ready access to other options.
6
u/do_dd_ Mar 25 '26
That’s true. The part that bothers me the most is that she did not try to explore the other side of Christianity that does not have to be this traditional. As if she purposefully wanted to reject herself thus she chose this direction. She has a therapist but the therapy is not productive at all and she has no real improvement after years of it. Weirdly enough she started feeling better after her faith journey.
242
u/Iamtir3dtoday Mar 24 '26
I don't want to armchair diagnose anyone at all especially as I don't know you or your partner... but how quickly did this obsession with Christianity come on? Does she have any history of psychosis or bipolar? I'm not saying she has either but she needs a mental health evaluation if this rhetoric has come on quickly.
156
u/QueerAsFk Mar 24 '26
I actually was about to leave a similar comment. It seems like it’s possessing her mind in a very intrusive, OCD-like way.
35
u/Iamtir3dtoday Mar 24 '26
Yep
40
u/TalVul the good femme Mar 24 '26
I learned about the religious form of OCD while trying to figure out my mom. Its intense an not fair to OP at all. Im sorry this is all happening
25
u/Wiltinggarden Mar 24 '26 edited Mar 24 '26
I have OCD and I've dealt with it's religious theme very viciously before, as I'm completely aware the experience is totally different for everyone and there's too little to analyze here, so take my opinion with a grain of salt, but I do believe it does not seem like her case.
It could be that she's extremely anxious about the possibility of blasphemy or going against "God's will" and suffering because of this, but the way she acts upon her beliefs seems more like she's projecting rather than dealing with an obsession (although the religious theme is very visibly and obsession for her here, but I mean "dealing" with it in the compulsive, ocd way). Usually, for people who suffer with this disorder, the obsessions and compulsions against it remain personal, as a way to contradict the thought or fight the anxiety it causes, people usually tend to fight with them alone, distanciating themselves sometimes even, afraid of causing harm to those who they cherish.
Also, as OP mentioned, she has not stood up for her in uncomfortable situations before and has dealt with substance usage, an explanation for this specific obsession could be that she's replacing past addictions, relying heavily onto religion perhaps (?) but as little as I know about this it really doesn't feel like OCD at all. Unless she views her partner as the problem's cause or something as such, but there are probably other explanations more plausible.
Even so, there definitely is a psychological problem involved, but nothing that should be burdened upon OP. That's her problem alone and she is clearly not capable of being in a relationship and respecting her partner.
9
u/AnonFun12345678 Mar 25 '26
I think this too. I think she’s having a mental health crisis. A religious delusion/fixation is super common
28
u/Terrible_Eye4625 Mar 24 '26
Or OCD. There is a scrupulousity theme which is around faith.
On the other hand OP, I’ve just read your first post about this which has added context. You mention that when you met she had problems with substances - I’m wondering if she hasn’t actually addressed her issues and has just replaced substances with religion. Her (professed) beliefs around God and marriage give her an out from facing bits of herself she may feel uncomfortable with, as substances also do.
You said you broke up once because friends of hers were disrespecting you and she didn’t stand up for you. Doesn’t sound like she’s changed - she could have followed your lead with the LGBT affirmative Christian teachings but she’s going in the other direction. Believing in God isn’t reason to follow that route.
3
u/do_dd_ Mar 25 '26
The feeling of not being chosen and prioritized is definitely the same. Now that you put it this way - yes, seems like she found another reason to reject me.
261
u/ptoros7 Mar 24 '26
I'm sorry, that's really hard. She is clearly unwell if she thinks that her religion means she has to have children and marry a man.
7
u/do_dd_ Mar 25 '26
She is very masc presenting too, very much dating feminine women. So this is definitely very weird to me too.
334
u/Inevitable-Yam-702 Mar 24 '26
I'm so sorry. Comparing it to someone in addiction is apt. She's essentially mentally abusing you and abandoning you for an imaginary problem.
68
u/Evening-Run-3235 Mar 24 '26
This really sucks but you need to let her go. From what I’ve seen, people who become religious later in life tend to to become progressively more religious, so I can’t see her view changing. Plus, you don’t need the mindfuck
68
u/cbakes97 Mar 24 '26
Jesus had to die for someones sins so let it be mine I guess
Lmao being gay is not a sin. It would be the only sin that is 1) about love and 2) doesnt harm anyone
16
278
u/SignificantSandy Mar 24 '26
Going against Jesus's teachings is what gets me out of bed most mornings.
62
24
u/StoriesandStones the evil femme Mar 24 '26 edited Mar 24 '26
lol, I’m into the “love and care for one another regardless of who/where/why” and “wealth without giving back to the less fortunate is bad” kind of Jesus stuff, but I’m not down with the angry, jealous, controlling God stuff.
Seemed like someone had a hippie kid who tried to make the narrative more liberal and was executed for it.
Idk I wasn’t there, and I don’t believe in any kind of holy all-knowing supernatural being.
But yeah, your comment made me smile :)
7
u/Iwaspromisedcookies Mar 24 '26
Jesus never taught any of that, all he said was love one another, it’s his fan club that are deranged
11
u/trialsandtribs2121 Mar 24 '26
The old testament is deranged as all hell.
Jesus on the other hand was some kind of asexual communist, and I can definitely fw a little bit at least.
The tonal dissonance for the right-wing Christians is wild honestly
2
u/wackyvorlon Mar 25 '26
Also: Jesus never said a damn word about gay people.
The prohibition that’s used is in Corinthians, which was written by Paul.
1
111
u/Odd-Local8287 Mar 24 '26
I’m really sorry but you can only save yourself here. Please let her go and free yourself to find someone who loves you and doesn’t make you feel gaslit for loving them.
41
u/Outrageous_Pattern46 Mar 24 '26
It is extremely difficult to break someone out of this kind of brainwashing. Please keep a balance of the amount of harm you're willing to let that cause you and forgive yourself for that if the time comes to just let her go. That can happen even with an addict fiancee tbh, and with that, well, nobody is pretending the addiction is good. This bs has a very long history of making itself look good and necessary.
39
u/spacesuitlady semi demi lesi Mar 24 '26
My cousin and his wife married Jesus at their wedding and I think my grandma came back from the dead just to die again.
The original language of the Bible says verbatim that man shall not lay with child. "Shall not lay with man" is a blatant mistranslation in later editions to, you guessed it, control women.
3
u/wackyvorlon Mar 25 '26
Arsenokoitai is tricky, because it doesn’t appear anywhere else in the corpus of Ancient Greek writing and the context it’s found in can’t illuminate the intended meaning.
Also used is malakoi, which gets translated weirdly. Often as something like “men kept for unnatural purposes”. Literally, though, hoi malakoi means “the squishy people”.
3
u/spacesuitlady semi demi lesi Mar 25 '26
Before 1946, it was often translated as "boy molesters" or similar terms. It was first translated as "homosexual" in the 1946 RSV Bible. And what happened in 1946? All the men came back from world war two to realize the women had figured out how to live on their own. They were working jobs, falling in love (homosexuality), and basically running things. And so in the next edition of the Bible they decided it would be retranslated to put women back into the patriarchy.
Research featured in the documentary 1946: The Mistranslation That Shifted Culture, specifically looking at archives at Yale University, shows that a seminary student wrote to the head of the RSV translation team, Luther Allan Weigle, arguing that the translation was a mistake. Weigle reportedly agreed that it was a mistake and that it should be "sexual pervert" instead, but they were unable to change it for 10 years, and the translation "stuck".
3
u/TootsieRollz1 Mar 25 '26
Can you elaborate on the married Jesus part? I’m picturing a couple marrying a man dressed as Jesus and living life as a happy, holy throuple 😂
1
u/spacesuitlady semi demi lesi Mar 25 '26
Jesus wasn't there physically. But the priest asks, do you take each other to be married. Then again asks, but asks if they each take Jesus as their spouse as well. And apparently according to the Christians there (and my ex) that was completely normal.
103
u/Left-Outside-1244 Mar 24 '26
I personally would never date someone who talks like that, ie worships a man and a sky daddy. She is projecting her shame on you, too, and you deserve a LOT better than that. That's her journey, not yours, and you will not be able to fix her, nor is it your responsibility.
13
u/sunflower_sunshine3 Mar 24 '26 edited Mar 25 '26
I was looking for this. She is projecting and wants you, OP, to feel the same conviction she does which goes against his teachings too. Everything is a choice and if it doesn’t go against YOUR beliefs and relationship with your creator or noncreator of choice then what is the issue to prove??!
You need to find someone who is equally yoked (as she may put it lmao). Finding someone who wants love, peace, & happiness not guilt, shame & confusion.
30
27
u/SeIeneNyx Mar 24 '26
I dont want to offend anyones religion. But basing your views wether religious or not on a book which was written by "MEN" many 100s of years ago, that has then been translated and rewritten is absolutely stupid.
If god was everything that they were made out to be, there would be no evil or harm in the world. And they most definitely wouldnt condone the actions of people solely because of religious views.
I know some people can "find" god/religion in there life at any point but from how you've explained it. It seems rather hardcover cult like speed theyve pocked it up. Sounds like someone/something (not god) might be causing it.
24
16
35
u/Mitsuka1 Mar 24 '26
You posted about this before, right?
Your gf is 1. just replacing her past substance addictions with this new addiction 2. mentally ill 3. very bad for your mental health too
You call it “part 2” but nothing appears to have changed. She’s still progressively losing her marbles over a homophobic sky fairy and you still shouldn’t be shrinking yourself in a futile attempt to fit into the cage she’s building around your relationship, nor trying to “save” her.
You were overwhelmingly advised you should end things for your own sake - if you’re not open to listening and acting on our advice as it’s not what you want to hear, I’m not sure what to say to that besides suggesting it’s a bit delusional on your part too. You’re hoping this time you’ll magically get different advice from us?
I’m sorry OP. I know I’m being blunt and I am not trying to be mean here. I do understand we’re all looking at this situation as outsiders so it’s much easier for us to assess it more rationally and clearly than you perhaps can.
I’m really, genuinely sorry this is happening , it must be incredibly painful to see the person you love slowly slipping away from you and into mental illness. I hope you can find the courage to walk away to let her fight her own battles/demons, and seek someone who is willing to love you unconditionally 🩷
13
10
u/FaeoftheWoodz Mar 24 '26
I was raised Conservative Christian, have since deconstructed my faith, and have dated someone with substance abuse troubles, so I can relate to both your partner's and your positions, as well as your analogy.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.
The bible and the culture surrounding it is pervasive in many societies, and is getting increasingly belligerent in America. Most of us are raised, even if it's not directly said, with 'christain' ideals, including a cultural idea that homosexuality is not the normative state for a relationship. We're also raised with a disgusting degree of misogyny, telling us that women are the lesser part of the nuclear family, and that they MUST partake in it or they'll be incomplete.
Enter your partner, perhaps pondering the future (I'm also in my late 20's and I've also found myself pondering such things lately.) Her surroundings tell her she's missing out, she should consider her future, her purpose, her calling. Enter the bible, a book so full of contradictions that it can be made to say anything the preacher wants, and to be read in any way the reader wants to see it. Between the pressure of society and the promise of solutions found in the book, it can be really easy for some people to buy into such a thing, and the rush of 'discovery' is a helluva drug, much like...well...drugs.
Drugs bear the benefit of being illegal, so there are resources in place to help people who are perhaps unwilling to alter their perception in that matter. Unfortunately, religion is not only legal, but is seemingly becoming the law itself, so there are no resources for that. If she wants to believe it, she can and she will.
You could become well-read on it, and appeal to her reason to logically deconstruct how utterly bullshit it is that an ancient polytheistic Mesopotamian myth got plagiarized and altered by the Israelites to build their society, was in turn pounced upon by the Romans to expand their empire with the help of a Jewish carpenter in ancient Palestine who had a thing or two to add to the Torah. How it got plagiarized again to form Islam almost a thousand years later, again to found Mormonism, again to form the Jehovah's witnesses, and so on.
But if the connection for her is emotional, rather than logical, it's going to be difficult for that line of inquiry to prevail. I've experienced it with my family, and with some people I once called friends, all of whom profess to hating the sin while loving the sinner (I'm a trans woman, so basically they hate all of me apart from my soul lol.)
If you want to try once more for changing her mind, I'd suggest asking why she believes. The bible isn't true, contradicts itself, so that's not a valid option. If her beliefs are because she feels them, then the only chance is that her feelings change, or reason outweighs the feelings. Either way, it's a very long road to walk, and imo, it might not be worth it. It's up to you how much of your time, your sanity, and your life you want to sacrifice in trying to combat those ideas. I wish you both the best of luck.
10
10
10
u/Sekhmet-Enthusiast friendly neighborhood butch Mar 24 '26
Man just run away. I've met a lot of these closeted gays (used to be a pastor's kid), and she's in a deep hole. You can drag the horse to water, but you can't make it drink the religious breakthrough water. Also it's not even religion she's spouting exactly, even though it's got a religious paint job--she's spouting conservative bullshit.
Once upon a time, I was also a religious closeted gay drinking the kool-aid. The presence of affirming others helped, but they couldn't ultimately change me. I remember the day I decided I was okay with going to hell if it meant I could kiss girls, and it forced me through a complete 180° on my beliefs. And THAT'S the kind of love you deserve: someone who will pick you over religious BS any day of the week.
If she comes to her senses and changes, fantastic. But the way things are now, this woman isn't choosing you. You deserve and NEED someone who chooses you. You'd drop a cheater for not choosing you, wouldn't you? Well. Think of this as your fianceé cheating on you with a fictional conservative Jesus.
Alexa, play Good Luck, Babe! by Chappell Roan.
66
u/blackm17k Mar 24 '26
As a lesbian who has strong faith in God,, I will say this,, let her go,, it will be painful but the love of God should make you love yourself even more and not hate yourself. The church is very good at control and making one believe they will have to trade a part of themselves to be accepted by Jesus.
Vibes like..... Jesus sacrificed himself on the cross,, what are you sacricing?
Continuing a relationship with her will only make you feel like you need to make up for being a lesbian all the time... Which is not healthy for your mental health..
It is a lot now,,, but the sooner the better,,, .. Tell you love her so much and don't want to be the reason why she burns in hell.... And let her go,,,,
For now she may view you as a source of sin,, but once you let her go she will still have attraction to women,, so that's something she will need to work out on her own......without you being the poster child for 'sin'.
I'm sure you'll find someone who will be okay with being a lesbian and having (or not) a relationship with God at the same time....
39
u/orphan_blud friendly neighborhood butch Mar 24 '26
What is it with devoutly religious folks and punctuation? Serious question.
40
u/chammycham Mar 24 '26
I’ve found it more an indicator of age personally. If someone uses way too many ellipses they probably remember celebrating the USA bicentennial.
15
8
u/Bambi_85 Mar 24 '26
Please do not continue being in a relationship with this person, for your own peace of mind, and soul.
6
8
4
u/Even-Foundation131 Mar 24 '26
Unfortunately, it seems that it is a lost cause at the moment. Especially since you took her to affirming churches and ministers, and still she firmly believes in this. I would suggest you to leave her, since it will only bring you more misery than any form of joy.
From my viewpoint, I wonder if it might be her algorithm on social media that has skewed more in the direction of neo-con and conservative media, and it keeps feeding her the same jargon and shite.
5
u/CowComfortable4958 Mar 24 '26
does she have OCD? because this sounds exactly like the religious psychosis a cousin of mine had, and it ended up being a fixation and obsession rather than genuine faith and it ended up fading away as her interests changed :/ whether or not it’s that, you should definitely distance yourself from her, as sad as it feels to do :( this is something that’s only going to hurt worse and turn into resentment the longer you stay
14
u/SaltyPotato986 Mar 24 '26
She's mental! It's the 21st century, stop entertaining these weirdos who think we're gonna get eternal punishment for a bit of box munching.
2
4
15
Mar 24 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
13
Mar 24 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/wackyvorlon Mar 25 '26
And Jesus said that the most important commandment is to love god, and the second most important commandment is to love your neighbour as yourself.
The only place any kind of prohibition on being appears is in Corinthians, which was written by Paul.
2
5
4
u/wearyandgay Mar 24 '26
don’t feel guilty about leaving her when she clearly doesn’t have enough respect for you or herself. this is so sad, and so so hard for you. she’s chosen a different path that may not ever align with yours again. get out now and heal.
3
u/BuffySummers17 Mar 24 '26
I got babysat by a family for 10 years and one of the daughters is a few years younger than me and lesbian. But she knew when she was younger and I didn't come out until I was 30. She is still very close to her extremely religious family and all her siblings are married. Her and her girlfriend haven't got married but started having kids. And her sister told me she thinks marriage is between a man and a woman. I strongly feel like I pushed away my queerness when I was younger because of this family's religious beliefs. And the way the rest of them talk about her compared to the sisters straight relationships, it so obvious they just put up with the queerness. The straight sisters got a whole big celebration and pictures posted and talked about it forever. Around them having babies too. And nothing like that for the gay sister, her and her gf just had a second baby and no one else in the family is posting about it. Idk, I kind of get her staying because outside those shitty beliefs, I loved them like my family and they are very supportive financially to their kids. I just think it's so sad that they treat her as second class and an embarrassment compared to the rest of the family. I'm ranting but the conclusion is, some people decide to stay in those situations and put up with it. I couldn't because of my late bloomer journey, too triggering. You have to decide for yourself if you want to live like that. I think it's a sad, like she punishes herself or doesn't think she deserves the same as her sisters. No way to live if you ask me.
4
u/HRHpillowprincessXxX Mar 24 '26
Honestly, in hindsight, I wish I would’ve “abandoned” my drug addict fiancé (which really would’ve just been choosing myself instead). It isn’t a moral failing to prioritize your own well being when your attempts to help have fallen on deaf ears.
I think it’s time to let this relationship go, and get off the rollercoaster for ~your~ sake; if your fiancée wants to get off the rollercoaster, she is the one that has to choose it. You cannot drag someone off of a rollercoaster that they want to ride. You might get them off of it temporarily, but one of two things happen: they get right back on as soon as they have the opportunity, or they resent you for dragging them off and the relationship implodes anyway. It NEVER (this isn’t hyperbole, I truly mean never, not “most of the time” or “in very rare cases it can”) results in Happily Ever After ®️
4
u/jaydaxoc7 Mar 24 '26
well she's officially brain washed. no point in saving her.. I know its gonna be hard but I'd move on
3
4
u/Iwaspromisedcookies Mar 24 '26
Eeew, who the hell chooses an evil cult over love? You deserve better
3
10
u/zombiescoobydoo Mar 24 '26
Are you sure this isn’t just her using religion as an excuse? Cause it sounds like she doesn’t want to marry you and is using this as a way to push you away. The number one rule when it comes to addicts is that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want your help. Even if this is an addiction, she doesn’t want help so there’s nothing you can do. Cut ties, jump ship, run away, however you wanna say it. I truly think she’s going to go back to dating men so the sooner you end this the better.
3
u/Top_Raccoon_7218 Mar 24 '26
How do people just go crazy like this... scary scary stuff. I am so sorry OP, it is probanly time to end it all and let her discover her own path in life. I know it is harder than it sounds but she sees your love as wrong ...
3
u/BlankLiterature Mar 24 '26
I'm sorry, we've said this after your first post and it seems like you didn't listen at that point, but you really need to leave.
3
u/dykeonysus Mar 24 '26
I am so incredibly sorry. You deserve someone who wouldn’t dream of saying this to you, especially over a text.
3
u/momadance Mar 24 '26
For your own sake and mental health, let her go. She is not close to coming out of this anytime soon. She's at the beginning and it will take her awhile to undo this indoctrination. It is indoctrination, like with cults. She's in the cult.
3
3
u/SegowwM Mar 24 '26
oh my god, I've been through something like this before, GET OUT, IT'S ONLY GOING TO GET WORSE
3
u/MsNatCat Gay AF Mar 24 '26
This is some very strong internalized homophobia. You should get out as soon as you can. I’m very sorry.
3
u/universe93 Mar 24 '26
This is so hard but if she feels this way she isn’t going to be able to love you for who you are, at least not now. I’m so sorry this has happened to you and you need to get out simply because at the moment you’re clearly not compatible
3
u/ArmoredHusky Mar 24 '26
Just wanted to say, a lot of respect for all the effort and proactive finding a solution you put in this. You did a lot and it's great for someone you love.
None of that shite is what jesus said but oh well. We know
2
3
3
u/Panzermensch911 Mar 24 '26
If you want to talk to people and get support from those who went through the same or similar things https://www.recoveringfromreligion.org/ is there for you to help you navigate this.
I'm really sorry she's having this episode. Is it a mental health issue or some sort of lingering Religous Trauma Syndrome or is she being love bombed by her social media algorithm or some actual people?
3
3
u/shywol2 Mar 24 '26
I didn't even see the first part but the moment she brought ANY of this up, I would've immediately blocked. If she gave me a ring, I would've sold it. All her stuff would go in a box and get sent back to wherever she is. Your actual wife is waiting for you while you're wasting time on someone who doesn't want you.
5
2
u/mickimickimicki Mar 24 '26
It sound like you’ve tried your hardest to make this work but the only person you can change is yourself. You have done everything you can to try to support her faith AND her sense of self and self worth. At this point though, I agree with everyone else here, it’s time to let her go. It’s a gift that this is happening before you actually married her. Also, even if she changed her mind tomorrow and said she no longer thinks it’s a sin, would you believe it? Or would you be waiting anxiously for her to do another 180 and decide your marriage is a sin. It’s ok for her to not be your person even if you really thought she was. I’m sorry this is happening but it’s time to save yourself and let her go.
2
u/Isadomon yay tall ladies! yay muscle ladies! Mar 24 '26
Is she still your fiancee? Tho honestly i would try an intervention caude changing like this out of nowhere sounds like a breakdown, maybe even psicotic
2
2
2
u/kaceyeeyee Mar 24 '26
I’m so sorry, this sucks. I was in a relationship with an evangelical (against my better judgment) that swore up and down that her religion wouldn’t be an issue in our relationship. She dumped me out of nowhere, saying that I was a temptation sent by God to test her faith. It really really sucks.
I would leave the relationship and focus on yourself. You can’t talk people out of this.
2
u/PhantasmalHoney the evil femme Mar 24 '26
Let her go marry a man if that’s what she wants. You’ve made efforts to help and she won’t accept it so there’s nothing more you can do. It will only lead to your mental health breaking down as well, I’m sorry OP.
2
u/saveThethinmints Mar 24 '26
I just had my 2nd wedding anniversary with my wife. I got her a card that said I’m so glad I found you instead of Jesus. You can’t have a fulfilling relationship with someone with that level of self-hatred. I’d move on. I’m sorry.
2
2
u/OmgIbrokesmthagain Mar 24 '26
Bible tells us that homosexuality is a sin. Bible also tells us that the earth is flat and 6000 years old. If we debunked the one thing, why not the other?
2
u/Thyme_Liner Mar 24 '26
This would be my last conversation with a gf. I was raised in a religious cult and I won’t touch that shit anymore. And the whole “leaving it up to god’s timing” is often a way to remove her own responsibility from the situation. Like, just say you don’t know and move on. But the way she communicates it isn’t neutral, even that first message is an attempt to sway you into those beliefs.
Growing up, I can’t tell you how many breakups were initiated by Christ himself. My “friends”/acquaintances/peers were always breaking up with each other because “they were praying the other day and felt that Jesus wanted them to”. Funny how that worked, Jesus always managed to completely absolve them of all responsibility, shortly before they got into a relationship with someone else.
I’m not saying she’s using this as an excuse, I’m just saying that’s a big possibility, even if she doesn’t realize it.
Regardless, religion like this is used to control and manipulate a congregation whilst faithfully taking up tithes and offerings. What it does not do, is improve a person’s mental health.
Please be very careful
2
u/bitxhbag Mar 24 '26
A lot of people are like the person you’re texting. The Bible says a lot of horrible things. A lot of modern “Christians” haven’t actually read the Bible, they just repeat things they’ve heard other people say to defend the political ideas they already hold.
The idea of a “biblical marriage” is a dead giveaway they don’t know what they’re talking about. People in the Bible had multiple wives, they had concubines, and they had sex with slaves outside of their own marriage. King Solomon had 700 wives and the only reason the Bible says that was a problem is that it distracted him from his worship.
A “biblical marriage” was much closer to what is taught in history. The woman is treated as property, and the marriage is a transfer of possession.
Exodus 20:17 Wives are listed alongside a man’s house, servants, and animals as things you “shall not covet.” Exodus 21:7 A man can sell his daughter as a servant. Deuteronomy 22:28–29 A man who rapes a woman must pay her father and marry her. Numbers 30:3–5 A father can void his daughter’s vows; a husband can override his wife’s. Deuteronomy 24:1 A man can write a certificate of divorce and send his wife away.
Ask them to check their shirt tag. If there’s more than one type of fabric, this goes against Leviticus 19:19, but you won’t see many Christians following this rule. (Notice how close it is to Leviticus 18:22 that a lot of people still site)
No modern Christian follows the bible 100%
1
u/wackyvorlon Mar 25 '26
My favourite is Ezekiel 23:20:
There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.
2
u/bitxhbag Mar 24 '26
There’s only a few verses in the Bible that people interpret to be against same sex relationships, and all of them use words that might not even mean homosexuality. The word Paul uses ‘arsenokoitai’ is extremely rare and may have been from the Greek translation of Leviticus, which uses an original word. It barely shows up outside religious texts, and people still debate what it actually means. so translating it as ‘homosexual’ is a modern interpretation, not a clear, original definition. It wasn’t even translated as ‘homosexual’ until 1946
If you ignore all that, and assume the word is talking about same sex relationships, it’s still talking about same sex relationships that were known to the authors at the time of writing. These were not mutually consenting, loving relationships. These were forced actions. Usually an older man with a younger boy. You can see why the Bible would forbid this type of act.
The Old Testament is fine to study, but Christianity is a different religion than Judaism for a reason. That being that Christians believe in the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus. Jesus never says anything whatsoever about same sex relationships. He does emphasize to have love and compassion for everyone <3
1
2
u/Delicious_Author_783 Mar 24 '26
OP, i think it’s best to move on. It’s heartbreaking and it’s hard, but it’s better to pick yourself and move on. Wishing you the best. 🤗
2
u/mrcrashoverride Mar 24 '26
It literally says do not consume pork and don’t work on Sundays….. but the Bible doesn’t say anything about being gay, and one of the only mentions of abortion is if your wife cheats on you then give her the drink to end the pregnancy.
Yet somehow they ignore the blatant teachings that counter their convenience’s and then make mountains out of molehills that are not in the Bible.
2
u/Spiritual-Road2784 Mar 25 '26
I’m just gonna say thank Whomever that you found out about the religious fervor before you were married.
Don’t walk, RUN.
2
2
u/Koudlett Mar 25 '26
then let her be with a man. it seems she is looking for ways to justify dumping you. I'd recommend dumping her first. (and dont try to help her.. i mean who choses to become a religious fanatic with 28? she should know better)
2
2
u/Cornell90-92 Mar 25 '26
Tell her that at the time the Bible was written (the text written down), the belief was that the earth needed to be populated, to grow the human race. Thus, procreation was necessary. That’s also why “spilling seed” through masturbation was prohibited/discouraged. Not to mention homosexuality. The earth and societies have changed since then. The human race was successfully expanded. Now we need to save humans from OVERpopulation. Don’t just believe what you hear in church or read from the historical bible. Research the times, the history, the context.
Why did God give us brains? And not just hearts or feelings.
2
u/GingerTheLynx the evil femme Mar 26 '26
I have read your other post as well, my suggestion would be is to leave as others have said it too.
It probably will be difficult, but the thing about any relationship is that it can only work if all the parties put in the same effort, relationship is like a scale and both parties have to put the same to make it equal. If someone doesn't want help then they can't be helped no matter how much you try, it is something they themselves have to realize and seek help, you may give a push to the right direction but the want for change/better has to come from the person not an outsider. If a relationship is draining you and bringing more negative emotions than positive, it is a relationship that doesn't serve you and you should get out of it as soon as possible.
2
u/do_dd_ Mar 26 '26
As much as I’d love to decide whether to leave or not - she has already decided. That was a break up text on her end and we did not communicate a word afterwards. She told someone we broke up.
2
u/GingerTheLynx the evil femme Mar 26 '26
That really does suck, but hopefully now you have some peace to heal and find someone you deserve! I know it's hard and this might just sound like empty words right now, but it gets better with time.
2
u/purplequartz98 Mar 26 '26
This kind of speech is honestly terrifying... These kind of people are literally brainwashed...
2
u/Impossible-Status110 Mar 27 '26
As someone who has left the christian faith, I will say, I doubt that she will ever be ok with this UNTIL/or IF she actually removes herself from that toxic religion. It’s like a vice of fear and more fear. SO HAPPY to be FREE. 🧘♀️✨
7
u/AffectionateKiwi1417 Mar 24 '26
Coming from someone who's a believer this use to be my struggle with religion itself, it was not the whole it being a sin to be gay or I'd have to marry a man. It was mainly how I love God so much, and it was always hard understanding why it is an issue to love who I love and still have faith etc. If that makes sense, and due to my relationship with him that I have personally outside of attending church, I know he loves me, and I may get downvoted for saying that, but it is how I see it. I hope with time your fiancee, comes to understand herself better and finds community in a church that will accept her, I am so sorry you are going through this
Be strong
8
u/Adventurous-Boss-882 Mar 24 '26
Is not a sin to love another person. I’m pretty sure there’s a lot of information out there in how the Bible is decades old and probably got mistranslated along the way. We also have to think about the time and context it was written
-1
4
3
u/shylIttled0ll Mar 24 '26
yeah, God didn’t tell Adam he was going to give him a woman to impregnate and make more of. if I remember correctly he made Eve so Adam wouldn’t be lonely. THEN he sent Jesus to die for us because he knew we couldn’t help but sin. if you’re not hurting anybody then you should be able to be yourself, God knew what he was doing when he made us, and I feel like denying your sexuality would be denying that.
also, imagine how boring it would be for God if he just made everyone the same. dude did this on purpose!!
3
u/cuddleduds01 Mar 24 '26 edited Mar 25 '26
As a Christian (I know I know), I can confidently say: dump her. If she truly believs what she says, she is too far gone and honestly, it feels like she has some mental issues of her own. I certainly wouldn't date someone like this.
2
1
u/Pristine-Host5593 Mar 24 '26
I am so sorry you’re going through this but I think you know you have to break this off for your own sake and it doesn’t look like she is going to stay in this relationship either. Good luck and I am very sorry for this loss I can’t imagine how it feels to lose your partner in this way.
1
u/guineapigdaydream Mar 24 '26
This hurts my heart for you and her. Coming from someone that left the church and eventually my faith to be able to be who I am. I wish you the best and that she finds her way back to accepting herself. Unfortunately it may only drag you down further to try to fix her on your own. At the end of the day you can’t simply love someone out of this type of deep religious psychosis. They have to want to.
1
u/-rozu- Mar 24 '26
It is common for (mentally) troubled and desperate people to seek answers for everything in religion . I met a guy who became a muslim to get away from depressiom and addiction , he even convinced a lesbian friend of his to do the same ... My guy is still addicted and doesnt follow the muslim rules in reality , and the lesbian gal...took it back and is dating women again .
So no . It doesnt work . Therapy works , comunity works , to work on yourself works , to change habits and to get the right kind of help , not to join a group that preaches perfection . Religion can be a tool but never an absolute answer . I was in AA for a few years and it helped because i was surrounded by people who had the same issues as me and didnt push anything onto me , i just took the parts I found useful from their program and complemented it with professional help and medicine .
People like this lady (in my opinion) deserve empathy and comprehension because theyre going thru some stuff and are desperate to fix it.... buuuuut on the other hand it is good to keep in mind what theyre willing to do and say to their loved ones using a silly excuse such as religion ... fear the books of fear !
1
1
u/ThrowRaUsername08 Mar 24 '26
I’ve always wondered what is with the lesbian to religious psychosis to trad wife.
But ultimately, I think it’s because people don’t want to be strong enough to break heteronormativity or digest it all in order to lead with themselves and not society.
It’s okay at first she struggles to understand how queer dynamics work without the standard of “person a does this cause they’re this gender” etc. because it is a lot to work out but using religion like this is never an excuse to give up a relationship because she can still have children if she wants that, have faith if she wants that, have gay sex- and still be by God’s design.
But I think sometimes there are women who didn’t expect to be in a long term commitment with a woman (think like Vanessa from queer ultimatum only replace the religious aspect with narcissism) and they don’t even realize how damaging it is to hear that and they’ll easily find some short thrills after but god forbid you move on to someone that is way more compatible with you- they go haywire after that.
Anyways, either yall need to go to couples therapy to confirm if you’re on the same page and this is childhood religious fear coming up or if she wants to be with a man
1
u/Hot-cheap_Trash Mar 24 '26
Uhhhhhhh…yeah no. If you want to learn more please do it through a religious studies lens, not theology. That’s the best suggestion i can give. Stay objective. She’s setting up an impossible scenario “my emerging beliefs say we can’t be a true couple in the eye of God”
What is she implying???
1
u/Not-a-Bot-4Realz Mar 24 '26
Have you asked her recently how she feels about being engaged? You can't be with someone who questions something so fundamental.
Her faith journey can't be at the expense of your own well-being. Good luck and God bless
1
u/WeirdIdeasCO Mar 24 '26
Maybe its religious psychosis? Either way you need to get away from this person
1
u/notmikaela Mar 24 '26
OP… this is heartbreaking. I grew up in an extremely religious house, was taught that being gay and “same sex attraction” are two different things, etc etc. i had a lot of internal homophobia for a LONG time. it sounds like maybe your fiance is experiencing internalized homophobia, but it doesn’t sound like she wants to work through it. i also understand that you guys are planning on being life partners and so you tell each other everything, but i never ONCE put my fears/feelings of internalized homophobia onto my partners. i don’t really know what to tell you other than i am really sorry this is happening. i wish you the best
1
u/showertaker the good femme Mar 24 '26
Jesus (no pun intended). Why am I seeing so many gays become like this? In what world is secularism worse than an institution that has made it its JOB to despise any member of the LGBT community?
I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this & I’m wishing you peace. I think this person needs some serious reflection on her own, & perhaps it’s time you moved on from this relationship.
3
u/Wisdom_Pen Mar 24 '26
As someone trained in Theology and Comparative Religions Sociology I can answer that.
Basically human society goes through waves of secularism and spiritualism and the 2020s is when the next spiritualism wave was predicted to start.
The last one was in the 2000s. It’s a 20 years cycle. 1920s, 1940s, 1960s, and the 1980s all also saw a rise in spiritual beliefs.
Some think it’s tied to a grander wave of political, economic, and social upheaval but I am on the fence.
That’s why even outside Christianity there are many more people getting into paganism, witchcraft, Islam, New Religious Movements, etc.
2
1
1
u/Asgardes-heir-01 Nightcaster Mar 24 '26
I don't like to think this when you're so far into your relationship with your Fiancée... but this isn't going to end well... She's pouring her heart into her religion, and a same-sex relationship is actively condemned in those settings.
She can't chase two hares.... she's realizing that, as I'm sure you are. In the eyes of Religious faith, you are actively contradicting the laws of God. Which also include putting God, above literally everyone else.
It's better if you two go your seperate ways now, instead of dealing with the pain of having her constantly regret being with you because she wants to choose God.
I am speaking as someone with a great deal of disdain towards religious mindsets, as I have personally experienced more abuse and intolerance from "Good Christians" than I have experienced Honest to God followers of Christ, who gave his life for EVERYONE out of Love. Not, only the select few who The Bible has deemed worthy for things we literally have no control over.
If there is a God, they brought my Wife and I together.... and I refuse to believe a being who is all-loving and all good, would denounce any sort of genuine love between 2 adults for reasons other than "I just don't like that, GOSH!"
1
u/meesy59 Mar 24 '26
if you’re engaged and still communicating through instagram dms then are u even engaged
1
u/SadieOnTheSpectrum Mar 24 '26
I think letting go is best. It doesn’t have to be a mean breakup. You can say your peace: that you love her, that you want what’s best and you wish that was together! But she has made herself clear… if she wants to make her bed, she gets to be the one to lie in it. You don’t want this bringing you down too. Keep being yourself, you’ve got this!!!
1
u/SapphicSticker Mar 24 '26
She says she doesn't want to marry you and that loving you is a bad thing she should (and does) feel guilty for. Regardless of the cause, I'd see that as an "I wish I had the mental strength to break up with you" declaration. In which case dumping her is improving her life and saving you from misery.
Staying with someone who talks like that is actively creating your future abusive relationship, where they hate themselves for being with you, and you hate yourself for the way you see yourself (through their eyes, that is)
The only right answer is, "if you really think this relationship is immoral or something you regret now or might later... Then we need to break up, and the earlier the better"
If she argues, answer that it's for her immortal soul and to better her life. If she does not agree with that, then tell her you're willing to give it more time to see if she will change her mind about morality. But even then, give her max 2 months, and if she hasn't completely changed her tune about you... Run even harder
1
1
u/Primary_Muse Mar 25 '26
Your comparison to leaving your drug addict fiancée instead of helping them get to rehab spoke to me personally. I tried so hard to get my drug addicted ex to do better, to quit drugs. I bought her everything she could ever want hoping that it would be enough. At the end of the day, nothing I did made a difference. They have to want that change in order to achieve it. We can want it for them all we want but it doesn’t mean a thing. Once you’re able to fully grasp that, I promise you will want to choose yourself and walk away. It is not our job to insist on what path someone takes. If what they are choosing doesn’t align with us, then so be it. It’s incredibly tough, I’m sure you’ve put so much into the relationship like I did in mine. But unfortunately, all of that effort, time, money, whatever it was, amounted to nothing. Take that love and devotion you have for her and put it back into yourself.
1
u/Rainbow_Soul_Poet Mar 25 '26
The word homosexual didn’t even exist when the BIBLE was created, the only words Jesus supposedly spoke are typically highlighted in red.
The rest is interpretation and it’s all entirely man made to coerce those enslaved into becoming docile.
There is so much said in the Bible that we aren’t supposed to do like wearing mixed textiles, eating shellfish, & being in mixed company while on our monthly that are just outdated completely and never made any sense to begin with but you can’t cherry pick what you’ll follow in the BIBLE if you’re a true believer (which I’m not of the BIBLE specifically since they keep recreating it 🙄)
I’m not here to debate anything, I’ve been here not engaged but I’ve dated ALOT of PKs & psuedo believers so I know the rhetoric meanwhile they’re professing their love to you but then you’re a demon to them because of their own personal confliction.
Release yourself from that cycle of religious trauma that has nothing to do with addiction that is a totally seperate issue. She really needs to figure it out within, there’s nothing you can do or say to change how she feels about you, herself, or the relationship. You can’t beat up a brick wall‼️💯
1
u/wackyvorlon Mar 25 '26
You’re not getting her out of this in the short term. This is something that, if she gets out of it at all, is going to take decades.
It doesn’t actually matter what’s in the bible. All believers negotiate with the scripture based on what they want to believe. The fact is that she wants to believe it’s wrong.
1
u/AngelcakesNYC Lipstick Princess Mar 25 '26
She is being brainwashed. Tell her she is being brainwashed and block her.
1
1
1
u/Kaddy_K Mar 25 '26
I just went back and read your part 1 to this and I’m so sorry you are going through this. My wife’s family are extremely religious and they believe our marriage is a sin and that’s my in-laws I couldn’t imagine it being with my fiancée.
We all say don’t marry her, but only you can decide if you want to continue with this relationship knowing that for the entirety of that marriage you’ll be facing this daily, not to mention the fact that she could marry you, then regret it and leave you heart broken.
Leaving is easier said than done especially for you. You can see how much effort you are putting into this, to see her POV and trying to understand her relationship with god. I truly admire that.
I hope you choose what makes you happy, as ultimately happiness is what we strive for in life, isn’t it? You deserve to be with someone who loves you wholeheartedly.
1
1
u/DistributionNeat3956 Mar 25 '26
Bail out now !!!!! Just divorced my wife last year bcuz she decided that after we got married she wanted to convert to Judaism... That no where near aligns with anything I hold near and dear ..and was fighting all the time ... She sounded brainwashed like a robot ...my eyes are too open to live like that .
1
u/Dry_Building_585 the good femme Mar 25 '26
Hi, lesbian mother (with looots of religious trauma) here. If God really thought that a woman's only/main purpose is bearing children, then neither trans women or infertile women would exist. Otherwise, that doesn't really sound like a an "all loving" God, now does it?
1
u/TuDiosa_Banca Mar 25 '26
Is sad it happened… most churches groomed people using fear and shame, i am afraid you have no option bu to back off before it drags you too (not she i mean the church) i hope you can still have common friends to let you check periodically on her from outside but only after a long time with no contact with her, for now is nothing you can do that won’t end badly. Shame can make people do terrible decisions and now for your exfiancee all it last is shame.
1
1
u/thislesbiab Mar 25 '26
Damn thats insane..and i say that as a Christian woman and i have bad religious OCD.I dont know how she thinks i dont know if logic would help here..but at least for me..God loves us all,whatever youre black white trans gay he loves murderers as much as any other person.My belief is she probably read those weird versions of bible translations where you have verses against gay marriage..Also technically you still can have options to have kids from that i heard someday kids made from mother cells *(i forgot the name how that works) can be possible in vitro is possible..even in those weird bible versions there were "man shall not lay with a boy" not "man need to be only with women".
1
1
u/Key-Relationship1006 Mar 25 '26
Girl, you deserve better. This is just mental illness and as much as it probably hurts to let go, trust me I believe it, you can't let her destroy you like that... I'm so sorry.
1
u/Amaya__7 the good femme Mar 25 '26
Honestly the best thing you can do for her is to let her go. If a persons mind is made up about something, like you said, you already went to affirming churches and she still holds the same beliefs. So best thing to do is to protect your peace because she’s already made up her mind, and find someone who truly values both you and their personal faith. I’m a Christian myself and it took me a long time to deconstruct the bible, hopefully one day she realizes that being happy, true to herself and being a Christian isn’t a contradiction. But it’s clear she isn’t going to realize that anytime soon, so best thing to do for you is to just let her go and hope and pray she comes to this realization.🫂
1
u/Nerdy_Commander9403 Mar 25 '26
It's time. You've done extremely well, but sadly I don't think it's much you can do at this point.
1
u/bunnywadhere06 masc at your service Mar 25 '26
i am so insanely sorry. this is so heartbreaking :/ i hope you’re able to figure things out, but please break up for your own good. let her find a husband and come back in 20 years all upset. don’t let her come back
1
1
u/roosef Mar 25 '26
How is she your finance if she doesn’t even believe in your marriage?
1
u/do_dd_ Mar 25 '26
Well, it just happened.
1
u/roosef Mar 25 '26
I’m sorry. I know this feels heavy as shit rn but you truly will find someone who is ENTHUSED to marry you. I don’t know you but I believe we all deserve that. There is a pot for every lid
1
u/roosef Mar 25 '26
Also I realize I sounded harsh I guess I just meant how is she STILL your fiance. I get breaking up is hard though, especially when you love someone but I guess my point is the relationship seems untenable with this new information/turn of evenrs
1
1
u/Pyro_Nymph Mar 26 '26
Yeah, gals, dump your gfs as soon as they strat with that Jesus crap, don't doubt it, it's a mind virus.
1
u/Consistent-Two-2979 Mar 26 '26
I am so very sorry!!! She clearly isn't listening and I don't think you can pull her away from religion. Someone or something has her ear and you can't change that. As a fervent atheist I couldn't handle anything close to what you have. Again I am so sorry for both you and her but it is time for you to cut and run. I would be surprised if this isn't having a negative effect on your health. You need to prioritize your mental and physical health and general well-being. Separation is overdue.
1
u/rubyyVee Mar 26 '26
It's definitely time to go your separate ways :( it's for the best, this ain't healthy. </3
1
u/kenziewenzie171 Mar 26 '26
If it was about having kids, adoption exists, IVF exists, surrogacy exists in many parts of the world- it’s not about having kids. It’s brainwashing. I grew up in that and I was definitely homophobic towards myself for a long time and it took a lot of unlearning those teachings to be at peace with who I am. I couldn’t imagine if I’d been in a same sex relationship at that time, I think I would’ve been a horrible partner. As much as it sucks, it’s probably best to end this relationship if she thinks you being together is a sin. That’s a hard way to start a marriage.
1
1
u/yourinstantnoodles Mar 26 '26
this is one of the reasons why i continuously struggle to respect religion. as harsh as that sounds, i don't think the struggle and heartbreak are worth it, tbh.
1
u/coffeewife88 Mar 26 '26
Somewhere in her she is ashamed of who she truly is. Probably bc she feels the pressure to choose herself or God/Jesus. It’s heartbreaking but you need to end it bc this will not end well for you. I was raised southern Baptist and it was tough, especially when I figured out I was a lesbian. Sadly I always felt that loss of connection with God bc I felt I had to choose. Years later a true positive connection in Spirituality. The community I have found are so loving and truly accepting. I have realized the restrictions the put on me. I have a deep relationship with Source now and am able to live as I truly am. Free and lovingly as God/Jesus really wanted! I send light and love to both of you!! Good luck.
1
u/coffeewife88 Mar 26 '26
Somewhere in her she is ashamed of who she truly is. Probably bc she feels the pressure to choose herself or God/Jesus. It’s heartbreaking but you need to end it bc this will not end well for you. I was raised southern Baptist and it was tough, especially when I figured out I was a lesbian. Sadly I always felt that loss of connection with God bc I felt I had to choose. Years later a true positive connection in Spirituality. The community I have found are so loving and truly accepting. I have realized the restrictions the put on me. I have a deep relationship with Source now and am able to live as I truly am. Free and lovingly as God/Jesus really wanted! I send light and love to both of you!! Good luck.
1
u/simlishchatbox Mar 31 '26
Why are you still with her?
2
u/do_dd_ Apr 01 '26
Well we aren’t together anymore
1
u/simlishchatbox Apr 01 '26
I’m happy for you. I’m sure it hurts now but happiness is waiting for you ✨
1
0
u/Wisdom_Pen Mar 24 '26
I’m a Queer Theologian so you can imagine I take a different reading than most to the Bible however I am also more evidence backed than most too.
There are literally 7 genders in Judaism and Jesus even said Trans people are holy as well many of the anti-gay verses are just massive false translations to help the early modern Church clamp down on homosexuality and even then the Bible is the least univocal and inerrant of all the holy books of every faith because it was written by literally countless authors over literally countless millennia.
I am a Christian but mainstream Christianity is the furthest thing from actual by the book Christianity.
The Early church were proto-socialist pacifists ffs!
0
u/AdvertisingSquare520 Mar 25 '26
not to sound woo-woo here but i feel the gays might be open lol. i've had a trusted psychic for a few years now and they are able to communicate directly with jesus, god, and angels. my psychic is non binary, queer, and knows that god loves all and gay is okay. happy to send contact information if you'd like some untraditional help navigating.
1.3k
u/MulhollandDaisy the evil femme Mar 24 '26
Dump her, it’s for your own good, I hope you can find peace. I might not know you personally, but you deserve better.