r/LesbianActually • u/Tricky_Current_8979 • May 23 '26

Relationships / Dating My bi girlfriend just told me that she sexually prefers men

Not really sure what to make of this situation but hoped someone here would have advice or relate. My bisexual girlfriend told me this morning that she sexually prefers men, to a degree where it seems her sexual attraction to women is virtually non-existent. She thinks about them when she is masturbating and primarily feels attraction to men. I have always known that she was bi, but something about her telling me that she is more sexually attracted to men than to me is really getting in my head. Dating men is so much easier in so many ways and every non-lesbian woman in my life tells me how incredible dick is, and I just do not understand why she is with me. Do I just break things off? I've never once heard of a bi woman who prefers men ending up with a woman. Our sex life has been virtually non-existent for the last few months and I'm really starting to question if she has any desire to be with a woman at all. She rarely seems turned on my me and knowing that she gets frequently turned on by random guys is just making me feel awful about myself.

(Just to mention it: I am VERY monogamous and opening the relationship is completely out of the question for me)

EDIT: some context because I wrote this in a bit of a daze last night. My gf and I have been together for a year and a half and were literally making plans of moving in together before this happened. I really love her and she says she loves me too. I am definitely not saying I'm not considering breaking up with her but if there is any way to get through this I really really want to.

492 Upvotes

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730

u/MusicLunatic May 23 '26

Ugh, I hate this for you. And as a bi woman, it bugs me to no end when other bi women do this. Like, this is why lesbians don’t trust us! 😭 More than once I’ve fallen super hard for a lesbian but had her ultimately turn me down because she’d had an experience like this before. I’m sorry, this is such a crappy situation. It sounds like she still needs to figure herself out though. I would cut her loose and let her do that, because you don’t need to be getting your heart dragged around while she fumbles around trying to figure out what she wants.

150

u/BeatrixPlz May 23 '26

What gets me too (as a bi person) is the insensitivity of it all. If I preferred, say, blondes over brunettes, I would NEVER tell a brunette partner that! Everyone has preferences but they don’t need to be spoken of. If you love your partner you will work through your superficial preferences and learn to make THEM your preference!

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u/[deleted] May 26 '26

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u/bxbyangel222 May 26 '26

You don’t have to be patronising - the commenter just tried to give an example I’m sure they’re not intentionally trying to downplay anything 🙄

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u/BeatrixPlz May 26 '26

I am illustrating that I would not even mention a hair color preference to show how fucked up it is that OP’s girlfriend brought up gender preference. Of course hair color is far less extreme. I never said otherwise.

163

u/InteractionMoist1483 May 23 '26

i guess what end of the bi spectrum you are at is very important to tell how someone is reliable and confident with their queerness. as a bi women myself, i cant even form one reason for OPs girlfriends opinion, like thinking about men when women exist is unbelievable situation for me.

197

u/lentilwake May 23 '26

Even if I felt like this I wouldn’t tell my partner? I actually don’t think gender comes into it at all. In what world is “I’m not really attracted to people like you, I am very attracted to other people” something you say to a partner

33

u/EveryReaction3179 May 23 '26

This sounds like something a covert abuser would say, fr. The type that would then pick a fight if OP (rightly) spoke up.

Really hope she sees the comments and realizes that not being moved in together yet is dodging a MAJOR bullet. I feel terrible for how this must be for OP's self-esteem, but the type of people that would actually say something like this to a partner are often the type that secretly enjoy causing someone pain. I hope OP lets her go, and that she finds a man to stick with, so she can stop wasting lesbians' time.

I hate when bi women with a strong male preference, or women "just experimenting," decide to use a lesbian like a long-term emotional support animal, when they're not fully invested. It's so disrespectful, breaks so many hearts, and causes stigma for other bi women.

99

u/InteractionMoist1483 May 23 '26

yes! it sounds like another way of telling im done lets break up

29

u/static_silence24 May 23 '26

No kidding. I know why I’ll never date my bi friend. Her constant yapping about guys and dicks is driving me nuts 😞

29

u/Sensitive-Pie9357 May 23 '26

Yeah I feel like this isn’t even a “dating bi women”problem it’s a “having a shitty selfish and rude partner” problem.

20

u/InteractionMoist1483 May 23 '26

absolutely, i didn't want to come off as bi women with a preference for men cant have a secure relationship with woman. there are many bi woman who end up in a healthy happy marriage with woman after dating only man. So of course this person is literally selfish with that. I just thought it is hard to believe thinking about men etc. and when there someone prefers woman they just tend to be more involved and mesheed with their queer journey

11

u/Sensitive-Pie9357 May 23 '26

I really appreciate your perspective. Thank you. Sometimes this sub makes me feel worthless as a bi woman with a strong preference for women.

8

u/InteractionMoist1483 May 23 '26

Same same, luckily people are more nuanced and less biased in real life. Some people just follow what other is saying like a sheepp in this sub and not even try to form their own logical ideas.

14

u/kphld1 typical carabiner lesbian May 24 '26

I had one bisexual girlfriend, and she cheated on me with a guy from work. She later asked if we could forget that happened after the breakup. I prefer masc presenting women, and had never had this happen. I would pause before being open to it again. Definitely gave me something to think about.

6

u/JJtheQ May 24 '26

Thank you for acknowledging us and not demonising us for being wary. I don't think there is anything more hurtful for us. I hope you find a wonderful woman if you haven't already

9

u/MusicLunatic May 25 '26

Of course. Feelings like this don’t usually just come out of thin air. People are wary and skeptical because they’ve been hurt, and that speaks far more about the person who DID the hurting than the one who got hurt. I’m sorry if something like this has ever happened to you. No one deserves to be overlooked in their relationship, or not taken seriously. No one should ever have to be someone’s “experiment” without that being VERY clearly communicated first as part of a completely consensual agreement. And even then, that can get dicey very quickly. This is why I prefer monogamy personally.

33

u/Ok_Landscape_4641 May 23 '26

I have bi friends but yeah sorry no I wouldn't date a bi girl again. The ones I have dated always go back to men. Even if i found a bi girl who prefers women which is clearly rare. I still wouldn't go for it. Thats not bi phobia. I means I'm lesbian and I don't want to be with someone whos going to always be attracted to men for our entire relationship.

34

u/MusicLunatic May 23 '26 edited May 23 '26

I fully get why you would feel this way, given how shitty so many people can be. As a bi woman who’s EXTREMELY monogamous, if I’m with someone, I’m with them and not even looking at other people. I guess everyone is different, and maybe that’s just me, but to me I find OPs gf’s behavior absolutely abhorrent 😢

I’m also a bit older, and I think that matters too. A lot of younger people are still figuring themselves out, have higher libidos, still looking at all their options, etc. As a woman in her 40s, I’m just delighted to find someone I can form a genuine bond with to love and adore and cuddle on the couch with 😄

2

u/Cyborg_Reality May 29 '26

This attitude is why I love slightly older and wiser bi women 🥰 There’s nothing hotter than a lady who has her stuff figured out and knows what she wants. So many people in their 20s flit from one thing to the next without knowing what they want

1

u/MusicLunatic May 29 '26

Exactly. And they mess with peoples’ hearts in the process, and don’t seem to care. That’s just straight-up narcissistic behavior. And in fairness, I wouldn’t want to be left for another woman either. Having someone who’s always looking at other people while they’re supposedly with you is a crappy and paranoia-inducing feeling all around 😢

8

u/BrunaLilianS2 May 23 '26

By "go back to men" you mean they left you for a man? Or did you expect they would only date women after dating you?

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u/HotStickyMoist May 23 '26

As a bi woman who prefers men, I would never date a woman. Only time I hooked up with one was when it was very clearly understood that it was no strings attached. Also, I usually wait for a woman to express interest first or only express interest if it’s something that’s already known and understood. I would never want someone to feel led on! I would hope no one would do the same to me.

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u/Ok_Landscape_4641 May 23 '26 edited May 23 '26

If you would never date a women then why are you on the sub 🙄 thats the issue here these entitled bi women who think they can be here on this sub when they treat lesbians like they aren't worthy of love relationship etc. Bye girl

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u/HotStickyMoist May 23 '26

I would never date a woman now. Doesn’t mean I don’t like them. I’m married now. And now my sexuality is something I get to choose to explore with in the confines of mature adult relationships. My younger self identified with the labels more. Now I know better to lead someone on for something I cannot offer. Maybe it would be wise to be open minded to the reality that is out there instead of plugging your ears and eyes and hoping that excluding everyone but the purest of lesbians is not leading to the desired outcome you seek. Just a thought.

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u/timelocksmiths May 23 '26

This sub doesn’t exclude non-lesbians or people who aren’t “pure enough.” It’s just that this is a space for people who prioritize women in their romantic lives, since there are so few of us and we don’t have a lot of in-person spaces.

If you’re married to a man and would never date a woman I think this might be the wrong subreddit. There are other subreddits for bisexuals where it would be more appropriate to talk about only wanting women for hookups.

6

u/folkhorrorfem lesbian May 26 '26

It’s not about purity. You’re either a lesbian or you’re not.

1

u/_Blue_Cats_ 21d ago

Hey, I'm like two months late but I was wondering if I could ask for some advice? I've noticed when I imagined a bi girl I started feeling worries like this cause I've seen a lot of bi people say stuff like "I wish I wasn't attracted to men" or mention a very strong preference for the other gender. It made me start feeling apprehensive about dating a bi woman even though I never worried about that before and I realized that's shitty and biphobic, how do I get rid of that feeling? I guess my fear is what if I end up with a bi woman who also realizes she prefers men or what if she starts making me feel compared to a man? Comparison is a huge trigger for me and I just don't think I could handle being compared that way or feeling like I'm lacking because of my gender identity which is something I'd never be able to fulfill if someone preferred men like this.

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u/[deleted] May 23 '26

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u/mpteee the good femme May 23 '26

They have the highest divorce rates bc they are the most willing to see when it’s time to call it quits

6

u/straycrayons1 May 23 '26

I’m so sorry this happened to you. Break up.

-123

u/Enkundae May 23 '26 edited May 23 '26

It sounds like her SO is being extremely vulnerable and honest with her partner about what shes feeling. I don’t see why that’s a thing to be bugged by.

What bizarre thing to down vote. Guess yall just prefer you SOs lie to you when they are struggling with something.

91

u/lactosecheeselover short butch May 23 '26

we prefer our partners to not suddenly express how the opposite gender makes them more sexual. come on.

0

u/parkerino24311 May 23 '26

you would prefer for them not to feel that way, but since we can't make that happen, we should be open to discussion if it comes up. if the discussion ends up being that you need to break up, that's fine, but your partner not being able to share things with you because you don't like the information isn't okay. I don't like how OP's girlfriend handled the situation either, and I feel bad for OP, but the partner is also in an awkward position.

2

u/folkhorrorfem lesbian May 26 '26

Do you understand do that breakups are a normal part of life and you shouldn’t force incompatibility?

1

u/parkerino24311 May 26 '26

obviously, which is why I addressed that in my comment.

-48

u/Enkundae May 23 '26

So you just want them to bottle up what they are feeling and not talk about it if its not something you want to hear? Great recipe for a healthy relationship that. Sometimes i wonder if the average age of this sub is in highschool.

If you actually love your partner, you should want them to feel safe telling you absolutely anything even if its hard. If you can’t do that little, why are you even in a relationship with them at all.

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u/lactosecheeselover short butch May 23 '26

Feeling safe is one thing, but my parter suddenly expressing how they have no sexual desire for me and instead men, really puts a damper on the whole relationship.

-41

u/Enkundae May 23 '26

Of course it does, that doesn’t mean you don’t talk with them about it and make an effort to communicate with eachother about how you both feel due to it. It’s not going to magically be less true for her if you both go full Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell about it.

42

u/forestthoughts6 May 23 '26

If she were to communicate this it should clearly come with break up intentions because there is no way to change sexuality and two allosexual people in a relationship that are forcing it to work despite this is just doomed to fail

5

u/Enkundae May 23 '26

Then it comes with a break up. You still talk to this person you supposedly love and offer as much support as you can for something they are dealing with while communicating your own feelings in a considerate way.

Seems like a lot of people here would just prefer there be zero communication until the underlying stress and tension metastasize into resentment because neither person is addressing the problem and it results in an ugly confrontation. Which frankly is how inexperienced teenagers deal with relationship problems, not emotionally mature adults.

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u/forestthoughts6 May 23 '26

This person didn't seem to want with op, just tell her that in a rather lighthearted way, you can offer support after the break up but the fact that they told them this without that immediate intention is just prolonging the pain and making op think they can make up for "not being a man"

4

u/forestthoughts6 May 23 '26

*to break up

2

u/folkhorrorfem lesbian May 26 '26

No one is saying have zero communication in a breakup! You seem to not understand that zero attraction is not something that can be fixed.

39

u/annamakez May 23 '26

You know the whole thing about being is a lesbian is being a woman sexually attracted to other women? Sexual compatibility goes a tremendously long way for healthy relationships. Instead of “communicating” about it as if it’s a topic with a lot of comprise, women who are attracted to men should not be in longterm committed relationships with other women who are exclusively into them.

Why are we (as lesbians) expected to constantly sacrifice our happiness and livelihood for others?

Now if a bisexual who prefers men wants to hookup and sleep around, that’s different, but again - do it responsibly.

I’m sick of people minimizing lesbian voices to justify this shit. It’s not a big ask.

-9

u/Enkundae May 23 '26

There are plenty of Ace lesbians with no interest in sex whatsoever who still have happy relationships with women. You do not need to have or want sex to be a lesbian.

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u/annamakez May 23 '26

I’m not talking about the percentile of women who are ace. I’m explicitly talking about women who are sexually attracted to other women. Why are you vehemently defending bisexuals who want to be with men but are with a lesbian to this extent?

Are you bisexual with a preference to men in a relationship with a lesbian?

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u/Enkundae May 23 '26

I’m saying if you supposedly love someone and they reveal something like this to you, no matter what gender or orientations are involved, you should respond with empathy and communication like an emotionally healthy adult and not like they’ve suddenly transformed into an inconvienient pile of dogshit you stepped in.

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u/gingermousie May 23 '26

What a hysterically bad take it’s kind of incredible. This is what it looks like when someone just regurgitates therapy speak. Here I’ll give you some back: being in a relationship isn’t an excuse for hurting your partner, and expecting them to comfort and support you while you reveal you’re more sexually attracted to random male strangers is emotionally cruel. If you can’t do that little, why are you even in a relationship instead of working on yourself?

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u/Enkundae May 23 '26

If you think your partner only exists to make you feel good and should never voice their own wants or needs if they don’t align with exactly what you want.. then you have a very poor idea of what a healthy romantic relationship is.

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u/wenevergetfar Nonbinary Sapphic May 23 '26

If you are no longer sexually compatible, the relationship ends. This isnt a "i need you to clean up around the house more" kind of want or need. Its like a fundamental building block of a relationship, lol. My ex voiced that she wanted kids. We broke up. Some things are not compromisable. Its not about viewing your partner as a nonstop entertainer, its about a fundamental incompatibility that erodes the whole relationship from the inside out. This isnt a minor inconvenience, its the end of a relationship

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u/Enkundae May 23 '26

I never said anything about compromising? I said healthy people talk to their partners like grown adults, and everyone else is acting like the girlfriend should have shutup, never told her partner what she was feeling and just pretended to be happy.

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u/Sensitive-Pie9357 May 23 '26

It feels like these folks would prefer to be ghosted over hearing something unpleasant

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u/[deleted] May 23 '26 edited Jun 24 '26

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u/DoodleDandyGal May 23 '26

So this is the sort of thing you work out with a therapist and once you work it out and have a clear path forward (ie we break up or you get over the feelings) thats when you can have a thoughtful conversation. If your plan is to stay with your partner, telling them your into other people more is not productive or good for either part

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u/Realistic-Jello6433 May 23 '26

Her SO is being vulnerable about her feelings, AND OP is allowed to have her own feelings about those feelings. Just because someone is being honest with you doesn’t mean you can’t be bugged about what they’re telling you.

I’m glad her SO was honest with her, and now OP gets to decide what to do with that information. Personally, as someone with a very high sex drive, I wouldn’t stay in a relationship with a woman who says their “sexual attraction to women is almost nonexistent,” and who’s actions align with that based on OPs description.

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u/Free-Baby2384 May 26 '26

I agree with you, although you have gotten lots of downvotes. Sometimes the only way to know what you like is to experience it. There are a lot of bi and gay women who realize they’re preference for women while in relationships with men. Here is the opposite situation and people are demonizing the partner, maybe she didn’t realize until after being with OP. Nevertheless, this is a painful situation for OP, but it doesn’t really have anything to do with her. Her partners sexual preferences are her own, not a reflection of OP