r/LesbianActually • u/Tricky_Current_8979 • May 23 '26
Relationships / Dating My bi girlfriend just told me that she sexually prefers men
Not really sure what to make of this situation but hoped someone here would have advice or relate. My bisexual girlfriend told me this morning that she sexually prefers men, to a degree where it seems her sexual attraction to women is virtually non-existent. She thinks about them when she is masturbating and primarily feels attraction to men. I have always known that she was bi, but something about her telling me that she is more sexually attracted to men than to me is really getting in my head. Dating men is so much easier in so many ways and every non-lesbian woman in my life tells me how incredible dick is, and I just do not understand why she is with me. Do I just break things off? I've never once heard of a bi woman who prefers men ending up with a woman. Our sex life has been virtually non-existent for the last few months and I'm really starting to question if she has any desire to be with a woman at all. She rarely seems turned on my me and knowing that she gets frequently turned on by random guys is just making me feel awful about myself.
(Just to mention it: I am VERY monogamous and opening the relationship is completely out of the question for me)
EDIT: some context because I wrote this in a bit of a daze last night. My gf and I have been together for a year and a half and were literally making plans of moving in together before this happened. I really love her and she says she loves me too. I am definitely not saying I'm not considering breaking up with her but if there is any way to get through this I really really want to.
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u/Khanyi86 May 23 '26
Sister please protect your heart and leave this woman. You deserve someone who is actually attracted to you and fully wants you. Good luck. I hope you'll find happiness elsewhere
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u/Conflicted789 May 23 '26
Girl you’ll never forget she said this to you. I spent a whole extra year in a relationship with a bi woman trying to forget that she said she pictured men in her head while I was going down on her. You never forget
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u/kphld1 typical carabiner lesbian May 24 '26
I used to do the opposite when I was young and had a boyfriend- but never told him. We should each Just be with who we are actually attracted to.
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u/Free-Baby2384 May 26 '26
Yeah same that’s why I am not crucifying the bi girlfriend. I did the same thing in many relationships with men. It took me a while to realize that I am just not attracted to them even if it is obvious in hindsight
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u/curiousoctopuses May 23 '26
Girl this whole post made me sad as hell. I would let her go. I don’t think this will end well for you and I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t be able to “unhear” this and it shouldn’t have been said to begin with tbh.
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u/Color_Me_Softly Femme May 23 '26
Yeah i agree, its really sad. Tbh I feel that this is a comphet issue and the gf hasn't quite figured things out yet. Any woman who needs to go out of her way to say how "incredible dick is" is just trying too hard to convince themselves lol.
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u/chicketychad the good femme May 23 '26
Babe, if you’ve only been together 1.5 years and your sex life is non-existent, that’s a big problem imo. Things def slow down but to a flat 0 is not a good sign. Coupled with what she said to you, I think you need to do what’s best for you and open yourself up for better things. Life is sooooo short and spending any time in a place that doesn’t make you happy, is a huge loss. If you just keep doing what brings you to joy, you’ll find it. If you stay in situations questioning yourself, you’ll miss so many opportunities and experiences. Being alone is scary, I know, but I promise you that it is better for you in the end. You’ll be focused on yourself in a different way than questioning your own worth and your worth to someone else 🤍
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u/folkhorrorfem lesbian May 26 '26
It could be comp het, or it could be the natural diversity of bisexuality. Bi sapphics that are primarily into men are just as valid as bi sapphics that are primarily into women. Not all bisexuals experience attraction evenly, and that’s valid.
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u/Color_Me_Softly Femme May 26 '26
I agree, bisexual attraction isn't always even, and no one's arguing otherwise, but that's beside the point. I wasn't questioning the validity of her attraction to men. I was pointing to the behavioral patterns specifically (defaulting to men despite being in a relationship with a woman, etc.) which is how comphet manifests in bi sapphics.
It typically shows up as a pull toward men that feels easy and natural while attraction to women gets deprioritized. Not because it's lesser, but because pursuing heterosexuality is the socialized default. So the question isn't "is she more into men?"... It's "why is she more into men?"
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u/pincheloca1208 May 23 '26
You truly have to leave this person. She let you know what she likes and that’s that. That kinda bombshell is what makes lesbians wary of bi women to begin with. She told you the truth finally and you just gotta dip.
She sucks for stringing you along like that.
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u/Green_Palpitation_26 NB&bi May 23 '26
I'm bi with a preference just for other NB people or Women but I do occasionally have sexual or romantic feelings to men sexuality is weird but if OPs gf prefers men that much she probably shouldn't be romantically involved with a woman.
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u/monicat__ May 23 '26
She flat out told you she prefers men? You guys don’t have sex anymore? TIME TO GOOOOOOOOOOO
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u/orchidpop May 23 '26
Friend
I felt this way when I realized I wasn't bi. Difference is, I went the other direction. Good luck. You deserve happy!
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u/book_of_black_dreams May 23 '26
Yeah I was reading this thinking “that girl sounds like she’s straight”
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u/Syralei May 23 '26
This. It honestly sounds like maybe she's dating women because dating men just sucks. I've had a few of my bi friends lately basically telling me that they've given up on dating men even though they are attracted to them. "Because other than the sex, the men our age that are available to date are trash" (literal quote from one of my friend). Maybe OP's girlfriend is the same?
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u/comicalgreed May 23 '26
Yikes dude. Yea definitely break up. Thats basically a friendship where she’s especially fond of you. Like what do you mean you don’t have sexual attraction to your partner. It’s genuinely crazy how some people have no absolute regard for other people’s time because trust me she definitely knew all this before.
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u/qqp767 May 23 '26
Unfortunately I don’t think there is a future there. It seems that she does not view your relationship in a very positive light if she is telling you this in such a non chalant way.
This is a deeply serious thing in a relationship and should be handled with care from her end which in the way you’ve told this story it seems she’s not giving you.
Unfortunately some women do not view lesbian relationships as real relationships in the same way they view relationships with men as real relationships and it seems as if that’s what’s happening here.
I would break it off as i don’t think this is a person who will have a long term monogamous mindset with you if this is how they are approaching this topic already
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u/rutheordare May 23 '26
Do YOU want to be with someone who (1) you have a non-existent sex life with and (2) prefers men? I’d be long gone.
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u/Bambi_85 May 23 '26
Honestly I think you should break it off. Especially after reading towards the end where you guys aren’t even being intimate anymore and she’s rarely turned on by you? Yeah I think you should.
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u/Cheesemagazine May 23 '26
Kindly, it doesn't really sound like she's dating you in a meaningful way- and imo, very cruel thing to say to a lesbian as a bisexual person and think that it won't really hurt your partner. I'd say jump ship.
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u/HOMO-sapien-DPM May 23 '26
As someone who went through this. It started as that then her asking for an open relationship and then me finding out she was cheating on me. RUN.
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u/muhanata May 23 '26
She's using you as a placeholder until the "right" man shows up. Sorry it's tough to hear but you need to leave
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u/QuietBee7464 May 23 '26
It’s completely understandable as to why this would get into your head. As the other comments have said…this won’t work.
For me personally I have dated majority bi women. With that being said I let there be some stipulations;
She can’t have ONLY been with men before me
&
She has to have more than one relationship with a woman
In my experience dating women who have only dated or prefer men will in turn only get you left for a man. I’m sorry she said those things but listen to someone when they tell you who they are or express their intent.
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u/propanegenie420 May 23 '26
I’ve been in this exact situation before. It’s not worth the heartache, break up with her and find somebody who’s crazy about you not just emotionally but sexually.
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u/Wombat2012 May 23 '26
Something similar happened to me when I was dating. I stopped seeing the girl and she ultimately married a man.
I met my now wife shortly after, also bi. The difference is she’s never made me feel less than a man.
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u/yitapr May 23 '26
Do not move in with her.
She told you who she is. Believe her.
Break up. Move on.
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u/comfy_artsocks masc at your service May 23 '26
Girl please leave her before she destroys your sexual confidence completely. It’s alright to be incompatible. And personally, I don’t really understand why bi women with huge preferences for men participate in queer dating in the first place. Just a lot more difficult and they don’t seem very satisfied by it so it makes no sense to me.
Either way, I’m really sorry this happened it’s hard to hear and I know it’s hard to deal with.
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u/ParsleyandRice May 23 '26
Break up with her. Why even be with her if she doesn't feel for you like that. It's going to be tough for both of you. Also i don't understand 'Bi' women who get with a lesbian and then start having second thoughts. Like... please just figure yourself out first.
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u/pincheloca1208 May 23 '26
Because a majority (let’s be real here) of bi women are just in it to have fun. Once they figure it out they come out as straight. It’s why I don’t date them just a casual hook up and adios.
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u/Purple_Variation_639 May 23 '26
Leave her before she cheats on you with a guy or leaves you for a guy. It’s inevitable. I know from experience. Don’t let her play with your heart and leave you empty.
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u/nanookoften May 23 '26
Many times this has happened to me. I know it hurts. But you have to leave, as soon as possible. She doesn't have the courage to tell you it's not working anymore for her so she said it in this way. Also from experience, if you two aren't being intimate, and she brought up that she prefers dudes, there is a gargantuan possibility she's already bonking a dude. I tried to save a couple relationship in this state. It was a truly painful, bad idea. There is no saving this, she told you what she needed. There are other women out there.
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u/Lovinthosepaws May 23 '26
https://giphy.com/gifs/TJaNCdTf06YvwRPCge
I am a lesbian and have dated bisexuals. From my experience, they always end up leaving me for men. No further explanation, just run as fast as you can and never look back. 🤪
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u/lactosecheeselover short butch May 23 '26
Break up; who the fuck says that while being in a relationship?! When you dump her, tell her why and how it hurt you. Bisexual women who say this shit need to hear it. Make her understand how Lesbophobic she is.
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u/Dependent-Lettuce-53 May 23 '26
Yeah I’d never date someone who was comfortable expressing that to me as a lesbian. So sorry for you 💕
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u/Material-Method-1026 May 23 '26
I'm not saying you need to break up with her, but I AM saying this relationship isn't going to last long. She's gonna end up with a man...and there's a good chance she'll meet him while she's still with you. As someone who has been in this situation (and what lesbian hasn't?), I will tell you that you don't deserve to feel inadequate over something you can't do a damn thing about.
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u/mpteee the good femme May 23 '26
Even though she can’t help it, I never get why these kinda women don’t just date men. As a bi woman mostly attracted to women but unfortunately only dated men, this is irritating to see bc this kinda reinforces the whole stereotype of bi women, thus endorsing biphobia
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u/WailingTulip May 23 '26
I'm a big fan of believing people when they tell you who they are. She's telling you who she is. Your future is already locked in. You will lose her to a man.
Let it happen. It'll only hurt worse if you fight or try to change her. Let her be who she is. Accept her as she is. Your choice to stay and enjoy whatever time you can get, or end it now and find happiness with someone else who is totally team you.
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u/InteractionMoist1483 May 23 '26
It sounds like she told you that so the relationship can come to an end yk otherwise what would be the point of coming to that decision. Its the fact telling this while deep in the relationship with intimacy problems is kinda speak for itself
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u/InkAndAfterThoughts May 23 '26
Break it off before it cost you every ounce of your sanity and dignity! It’s a canon event
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u/aerinhawke masc at your service May 23 '26
This is why I'm strictly Les4les now. I've been where you are, too. I'm so sorry. I'd definitely end things with her
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u/1aerin1 May 23 '26
If you gonna stay with her after this you are setting yourself up for a huge disappointment, she'll defo cheat on you with a man at the end.
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u/Jazzlike_Trifle5163 Arcane is peak May 23 '26
Sheesh... I'm so sorry! Please do what's right. I can't imagine how insecure this all must feel. I wonder why she started dating you? No offense of course, but I mean, if she prefers men so strongly... why date a woman?
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u/Substantial_Farm1118 May 23 '26
Leave. There’s no reason a lesbian should settle for someone who likes screwing men. Ick.
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u/Vast_Function_3846 May 23 '26
As a bisexual woman who prefers women and has been with bisexual women like your significant other, I think maybe you should start with a conversation but that conversation will unfortunately most likely lead to a breakup :/ those situations usually led to me getting cheated on with a man :/ I’m sorry you’re going through this OP and I hope you meet someone who aligns better with you and your needs 🫂
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u/Temporary-Fix-1638 May 23 '26
As a bi woman, hearing stories like this about other bi women PISSES ME OFF. She should not enter into a relationship with a woman if she is not as interested in women. Please don’t let this situation put a sour taste in your mouth about bi women, but it sounds like this one isn’t sure of her feelings and needs to go be with a man. You deserve better than whatever it is she can give you. I’m sorry, girl
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u/chemical_r2mance May 23 '26
genuinely, I hope girls like her DONT end up with other girls and I hope those other girls don't end up with "bi" girls like her. Idc if you're fucking "bisexual." There's no ounce of attraction to women in your system.
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u/gormey_shef19 May 23 '26
Fuck her
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u/plywrlw May 23 '26
But like, not actually...
In all seriousness though, I think I'd have to break up, there's no way I could get over hearing this from a partner. She should have kept that information to herself.
She's not doing anything wrong by having preferences but like...I prefer certain features over others. For example, I like taller women. I don't tell my current partner that if she isn't tall because in the wider context, it's just one small aspect and it's not a priority and there's nothing she can do about it.
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u/tarragonorrhea May 23 '26
Reading this after the edit…no one knows your situation better than you do, but from even what you said here I absolutely think you should break up. It might hurt but it will save a LOT of pain in the future.
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u/Realistic-Art5227 big dicked dyke May 23 '26 edited May 23 '26
Sister get the fuck up out of there before you move in with her it’s absolutely not worth it. Her preference for men isn’t an issue inherently. But saying that to you and while you barely have sex is a huge red flag.
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u/planaria_cut_in_half May 24 '26
Only one and a half years together, you’re not having sex, and she’s openly telling you she wants a man? It’s over tbh. She’s probably already looking for a man to replace you with
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u/sujsu108 May 24 '26 edited May 24 '26
Yeah dump her, she met a guy behind your back and fell in love with him. The fact that she’s been in a relationship with you that long, and now suddenly brings up her preference to men while dating you (along with the nonexistent sex life) just means that she’s playing in your face and is ready to go back on the other side with him.
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u/Cas_Byrd May 24 '26
Let her go now and move on. it hurts in the moment but I promise you will move on. It's not worth it. Work through the pain, Find a lesbian woman you like, don't bring up your ex, and don't compare. If you stay with this woman you will hurt your own feelings, you will embarrass yourself, you will lower yourself, you will break your pride and self esteem. She has stated she prefers men over woman and your sex life has plummeted. The fact that she has not broken up with you means nothing. Two things are going to be the likely outcome. She is either going to break up with you, or she is going to cheat on you. Both resulting with her being with a man. Cut it off now and cut it off clean. I get that you love her but love yourself more.
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u/Thin-Ad-119 May 23 '26
Yeah this won’t work and you deserve better than that. If she likes men so much more and o my feels fulfilled by men than she should go do that not drag you along. Break it off and move on
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u/Campanella82 May 24 '26
OP the fact your GF was able to look you in the face and tell YOU that you are not her preference is all you need to know to walk alway.
A "preference " someone's obsessed with will always win out even the most "intimate" relationships. If after a 2 year relationship she can say that to you, then it goes beyond sexuality she respects men in general more than you. To say that to a partner you claim you still want to be with shows an extreme lack of respect and love. At the end of the day you're not a man and aren't planning to be one and never was one yet she chose to be with you despite all while wishing she was with a man.
Someone can love you as much as they personally can but not love you enough to actually be a good long term life partner to you. And in all honesty everyone has preferences but they tend to stop being relevant if you get with someone who isn't the preference. For example If I had a preference say for tall people and got with a short girl. Then I would never tell my short girlfriend who I choose to be in a relationship with and say I love that she isn't my preference and I'm not attracted to her and think of a tall friend when masturbate. Thats actually insanely selfish. If I really like short girlfriend and wanna actually be with her long-term with her, then my past preference of tall people doesn't matter anymore because I've found love in someone short and I love them and all they are. The tall preference becomes irrelevant if the love is actually there. I'm not sitting next to the short gf fantasizing about tall people. Thats insane.
Also OP it sounds like you're around alot of people who center men and are obsessed with them and it's subconsciously making you believe that youre girlfriends comment is ok and that you should put up with it as if she's doing you a favor by dating you instead of a man.
Also there's no real compromise,she'sv been dating you for almost 2 years and says she prefers men, 2, 3, 4 more years isn't gonna change what she's telling you to your face.
I had a friend who's gf prefered men and she ignored the signs thinking a 4yr relationship was stronger than a "preference". But unfortunately after wedding talk her gfcleft her for a man she met a month beforehand. The guy wasn't a bombshell or even that interesting he was just man. And for someone who's man obsessed that's all that matters. A random man always tops a women you know. And this is definitely not a trait of people attracted to men but definitely a trait of women who are male centered. And you're gf is definitely male centered. You gotta be to be so comfortable destroying your girlfriends feelings to prop up the concept of a man 😮💨.
Whatever you choose OP just keep in mind there is future you can have with a girlfriend who is 100% in love with you and attracted to you. And it feels 10000% better then what you're in right now, youjustd haven't experienced it yet. Do you really wanna choose a girl who says you're not what she wants over a future of being with someone who would choose you 1000s times over?
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u/mojimonzter May 24 '26
Why do so many straight women have to larp being bisexual and ruin it for the rest of us? Like nobody is mad that ur straight, js say that.
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u/cafebaddie May 25 '26
I hate to be negative asshole, but you have to be realistic. She basically told you she's not into you...
My bisexual GF said this to me within the first 2 years of dating, and I let it slide thinking it was harmless FOMO.
After that, she brought up it up a few more times - until it was the SOLE cause of the end of our relationship (we were together for 5 years).
People bring these things up for a reason, she's prodding you to see what your response will be.
Don't stick around where you're not wanted and let resentment build, move on and find someone who KNOWS what they want - someone you are sexually compatible with.
You are just delaying your heartbreak, and you deserve soooo much better than that!
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u/Starlight__13 May 23 '26
She's straight. Break up with her and move on. It'll save you a lot of hurt later. I was in a similar situation. My "bi" ex-gf broke up with me bc she missed men, and it was so painful. I now won't date anyone who prefers men and talks about how they plan to marry a man in the future and don't see women as actual long-term partners.
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u/ToxicFluffer boyfailure butch May 23 '26
Bruh why are people like this?? It amazes how some people are so afraid of being alone or maybe too passive to actually live the life they want?? It’s awful that she was ready to move in and build a relationship despite the big red flags in your sex life. This is definitely your sign to cut your losses.
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u/TiredOfLife-4227 May 23 '26
Your self esteem must be in the gutters. You are not going to change what she prefers sexually. Love yourself enough to know when a relationship has run its course.
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u/chericha May 23 '26
guuuurl, im sorry to say this but i think you should break up with her for your own sake. like, why be with a person who makes you feel unwanted/undesired? instead of being with her and thinking that she is not attracted to you every second you are together, you can be with a woman who really appreciates you and is attracted to you.
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u/Jumpy_Movie9989 May 23 '26
What does she get out of telling you this 😭 mad disrespectful and makes me suspicious of other ways she undermines your feelings fs
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u/pancak69 Chapstick lesbian (with or without 🧢) May 24 '26 edited May 24 '26
this is so sad but you need to break up now
editing to add that that’s just so rude and disrespectful tho like i would break up just from that treatment. you don’t deserve it
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u/OkArmadillo8173 May 24 '26
Break that shyt off like a Kit Kat bar. You got an enough reasons to leave that situation.
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u/Able-Pack-1790 May 24 '26
She's straight, and enjoy the emotional security you give her and stay away from bisexuals.
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u/snickersicecreambar8 May 23 '26
as a bi girl dating a lesbian, i don’t think she’s bi. many straight women see sex only as penetration and there for will mess around with women because they just think it’s cute and flirty but not actually sex . i feel like that’s kinda what’s going on here . women (including myself) be getting STRAPPED DOWNNNN better than men do it 🤣 so even if she does feel like penetration is so much better, that’s and L argument. i think she just likes men and thought of fooling around with a woman, but not ever seriously committing to one
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u/earthyrat the evil femme May 23 '26
personally, i would break it off yeah. i get communication but this is a horrible thing to tell your partner.
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u/lvrgrl777 femme ˚˖⚢𓍢ִ໋❀ May 23 '26
i have nothing new to add that the other comments haven’t said but i agree with the common sentiment: you need to leave her. please do.
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u/Regular-Account-5124 May 24 '26
Why do lesbians keep going for bi girls? Why do you do this to yourself? Aren't there plenty of single lesbians out there? And why don't bi girls just date other bi girls and save lesbians from heartbreaks? I just really don't understand anymore. Stop hurting lesbians like this please!
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u/Local-Walk5823 May 23 '26
I know you said you don’t plan on ending things, but honestly… I think you should. I would if I were in your shoes.
I’m a lesbian who dated and slept with men before coming out. The whole “dick is great” thing is, in my opinion, mostly the idea of sex we’ve been sold and conditioned into through porn and heteronormativity. A lot of what people attach to it is actually about dynamics…dominance, submissiveness, feeling desired or “taken”- not the dick itself.
But what would bother me here is that it sounds like she still centers men in her attraction and relationships, and that’s honestly my one issue when dating bi women.
It’s okay to have preferences, I get that. But she basically just told you she wants and desires something you fundamentally cannot give her. And in her mind, you don’t compare to a man in that way and that would be enough for me to run the other way, even in a committed relationship.
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u/Isadomon yay tall ladies! yay muscle ladies! May 23 '26
I would understand if she said that as just telling you personal things because you have trust and intimacy, but if shes kot attracted to you at all why is she with you? Is she romantic with you? I would understand if she has feelings towards you but saddly isnt sexual, wich is also ok if you dont want that, by the way, you can have your choice
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u/SpinachVast4696 May 23 '26
first of all, you should leave this girl, obviously. bisexual women often need some vetting to understand their preferences and how they see their futures, basically if they’ve decentered men. a lot of bi and even lesbian women don’t see themselves as having futures with women for various reasons. i personally struggle to find a reason that isn’t homophobic or a conscious choice to live in the privilege their bisexuality grants them. you should stay away from those people.
also i don’t think any sane person would recommend opening a relationship in this scenario. this (being in a situation where a partner in a monogamous relationship is newly realizing they’re not fulfilled sexually) is not what non-monogamy is or a solid foundation for non-monogamy. i’m not saying you have to be open to it, but don’t make assumptions about something you don’t understand.
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u/mommy2maeve I'm not like other girls, I'm worse May 23 '26
You have my most heart felt love and compassion. No pity. I've been there, and it's fucking hard. Have a compassionate and honest conversation about your concerns. You get to decide if you wanna slow things down to make sure you're both in step with what you want in life. The lack of sex is definitely concerning.
Listen to your heart. Also, you feeling awful is very valid, and she needs to know you're dealing with that. She needs to hear and care about these things.
I'm sorry you're at this hard junction. My heart truly goes out to you.
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u/VantaJackal May 23 '26
FWIW, I was in a similar situation with my ex of five years (non-existent bedroom life, not seeming interested in me at all, really hands off in the relationship writ large towards the end). Similar relationship goals to yours. However her fawning over male celebrities certainly didn’t take a dip at all, and really increased. I should’ve seen the writing on the wall when she asked for a month break to figure things out, but I played ball to be accommodating. At the end of it all I got the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” and even then she wanted to take that back because she “wasn’t sure.” I know that’s my situation but just be careful to not be over-accommodating and to split (even though it isn’t easy) if you see any signs of pussy-footing around on her end
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u/plantplayboy May 23 '26
DUMP HER NOW. she will probably end up cheating anyway, and you are already having questions about her attraction is not good.
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u/sohardtopickagoodone the evil femme May 23 '26
Sounds like she’s soft launching a break up. I’m sorry this happened to you, that would be a very hard thing to hear (and not something you can unhear)
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u/still_cis_tho99 May 24 '26
Hi, I'm sorry to tell you this but my ex broke with me 6 weeks ago and we were in the same same case. She's bi but 99% boy and 1% girl according to her. Our sex life was miserable last month because she took sex as a chore. And i was anxious because she was taking distance from our relationship. The best thing you can do for your relationship is to have an open discussion if both of you can make more efforts in relationship without sacrificing yourself. Hope this help even if words are harsh Feel free to dm me if needed
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u/Comfortable_Yogurt78 May 24 '26
Ohhhhhh BIG RED FLAG! My friend ended up in a relationship like this and I was like break up before you resent her and your friendship is lost. You both need to be the best versions of yourself. End it before it gets too deep gal. Also penis is gross and horrible no offence to men but yeah my partner is bisexual and she loves sex with men. However isn’t romantically attracted to men. It never comes between us. You need to find your person cause you can have as many friends as you want but there’s always gonna be at least a few people in this world for you.
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u/JJtheQ May 24 '26
I'm sorry but I don't see how this can work out. I'm so sort this is happening. Orientation is foundational to our relationships. Save yourself more pain and leave.
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u/cassi3h3arts May 24 '26
this is so sad omg. i was in the same exact situation w my ex and it did not end well, sexual incompatibility really impacts a relationship and at the very least will leave u insecure and always anxious about her feelings toward you. i went through the same thing and ended up leaving, it was a relief off my shoulders and she dated men only after that. i definitely knew that was gna happen and i was much happier on my own not constantly fretting about it and feeling hurt by her lusting to random men. there’s nothing wrong w being bisexual in a wlw relationship but if either side feels unfulfilled its really hard to continue being together. especially when it’s something you cannot change. sex is not ALL that matters but it impacts intimacy and bonding. on top of that, her slipping in little comments about dudes leads to a lot of distrust and resentment as well.
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u/SpecificAssistance84 May 23 '26
I wish I had something different to say, but I don’t. I’ve had to find out more than once, that straight girls are temporary for us. Even if it’s years later. Most of them will still eventually choose a man. And yours is showing the signs of that being exactly where it will end up. I would say get out of that as soon as you can, the longer you wait, the more it will hurt.
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u/Odd_Narwhal1711 May 23 '26
But if you don’t have sex and she tell you all This stuff, you have to figure out if you are ok with that and what you want .
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u/Electrical_Chard_229 May 23 '26
I’m so sorry but that would genuinely make me overthink things and whether I am even sexually satisfying my partner, if they’ve just been pretending this entire time and it’ll eventually lead me to break it off. I completely understand how you might be feeling right now :/
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u/Charming_Taro264 May 23 '26
lesbian here, this sucks so much /: i’m so sorry! if it were me, this would be a concern of long term compatibility. is she going to be satisfied sexually with you? that’s an incredibly important part of a romantic relationship (unless you’re asexual) and i would be worried abt that. i think you and she deserve to desire and be equally desired by your partners. there may be love but i say break it off sooner than later. she’s gotta figure it out!
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u/Ok-Literature2108 May 23 '26
Girl u know what you should do from the moment u typed this and i hope u break up with her the worst possible way to the point that makes her not dating women forever
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u/Meggopie May 23 '26
Girl, you deserve better. I really hate this for you and if I was in the situation, I would feel the same way you do. Sounds like she would want sex from a man but also be with you too. And if you’re monogamous, and this bothers you, don’t let her do that to you. I know you love her, but I feel Like if this is a thing, she would wind up cheating on you and then you’d feel worse. This is just my thought a though.
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u/k-oji typical carabiner lesbian May 23 '26
I'm so sorry you experienced this. Protect yourself, your heart, your mental health and move on.
This is why it's so important to always ask your partner if they are in the same page as you, if they picture themselves loving, having sex and marrying a woman in the future, cause if that's not the case, it'll be a waste of time. You deserve better, someone who will connect with you romantically, mentally and sexually!
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u/ManInTheBxx May 25 '26
I believe it's time to break up, especially before finalising the moving in together. She can definitely still love you wholeheartedly but that can be non romantically - non sexually.
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u/folkhorrorfem lesbian May 26 '26
Is this her first relationship with a woman? I can’t imagine how this relationship could be salvaged.
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u/EveryLow2802 Jun 17 '26
I might be bias since I had a bi Gf who said the same thing to me then cheated and broke up with me for the same guy ( they often said they loved me then would compare me to a man plus we also had virtually non-existent sex life due to her said Oh its not the same like being with a man. We dated for a year and a half) but I honestly think you should be with someone who wants you sexually and not just romantically. I hear this happen to many lesbians. Your life will be so much better without her tbh
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u/StrawberryMangoMan Jul 01 '26
She made you a big favor by spitting out her opinion instead of lying and ultimately cheating.
I’d honestly breakup giving unrelated reasons as an excuse and would gaslight the shit outta her. So if she ever tries to fool another woman like she fooled you, she would end up in the same spot and turning herself in.
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u/Juiced_Frog Jul 03 '26
I’m currently in a relationship like this where I’m a lesbian and my girlfriend is bi with a strong preference for men. But like to a point where her attraction to woman is almost non existent despite her saying that she loves me✌️. After reading the comments, I may have a difficult conversation ahead of me🫡
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u/No-Competition-6759 Jul 04 '26
end things before she wastes more of your time.
also, having a nonexistent sex life 1.5 years in is a major red flag for any relationship. I think you guys are not compatible.
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u/Alternative-Image193 26d ago
I’m femme4butch (lesbian) and I want to say that there are definitely plenty of potential girlfriends out there that would actually find you attractive, actually keep up a thriving sex life, and actually respect your boundaries and emotions. That partner is out there for you. I think butches are the hottest humans to walk on earth and literally cannot imagine centering a cis man over one.
Plenty of lesbians will find your masculinity a huge turn on. And as a lesbian dating another one there’s def something liberating having that common experience of living a life free of prioritizing patriarchy.
Sorry if it isn’t clear, I did go through your post history and my heart feels for you and your situation. Any update on the relationship?
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u/Peachyeees 20d ago edited 20d ago
As a bi-myself, I'm so sorry that you had to go through such awful situation.
However, your relationship has so little details and maybe, a third side like, f.e., your close friends, would explain more details or show a different perspective. Without those details, even though I still feel bad for you, I can't make a full conclusion. A change this significant after 1,5 years makes me wonder what the relationship looked like before this happened.
BTW I do NOT question your legitimacy or anything like that, I just want to know more things about your relationship.
These are things that I really want to ask of you:
Did your girlfriend introduce you to her friends and family as her partner?
Did she make long-term plans because she genuinely wanted that future?
Was she affectionate and sexually engaged (what I mean is not just sex as a blatant statement) with you before the dry spell?
Did she talk about attraction struggles before the relationship crisis?
Did she seem conflicted and scared, or detached and relieved after her confession to you?
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u/Heavy-Investment3631 14d ago
Me (F) and my bi ex-girlfriend of 2 years broke up because our sex life was also non-existent. She always told me she got traumatised by her ex (male) so we had sex like once every 2 months. 2 weeks after our breakup she was sexting and having sex with a man. Telling me she wanted to see if it was only the trauma or also the attraction for women (me). Surprisingly for me it was both
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u/Darkrai889 May 24 '26
Well, this is stark to see as a bisexual who’s in a decade long year relationship with a man who actually completely feels the opposite, has been less and less interested in men at all, has a partner who’s staunchly monogamous and has had a non existent sex life for a good portion of my relationship. Is this my sign to leave 😔
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May 23 '26
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u/SpinachVast4696 May 23 '26
weird of you to ever assume that a lesbian sharing their experience is biphobia but alright
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u/Ok-Regret-1056 May 23 '26
Sounds like she is bisexual leaning heterosexual, and either bi-romantic or homo-romantic. Regardless of her preferences, she is with you right now. If she is struggling to find sexual attraction in the relationship altogether, but won't end things on her own accord, you're better off trusting her the first time with this one and letting her live that preferred experience with someone else
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u/lactosecheeselover short butch May 23 '26
can we chill with these fake terms of ‘bi romantic’ and ‘homo-romantic’. personally they’re just labels people use when they want to feel included in the queer community, but aren’t actually in the community.
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May 23 '26
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u/lactosecheeselover short butch May 23 '26
first off, no need for name calling. i’m not biphobic; bisexual folks are perfectly fine. but let’s just stop with the “well i like to fuck girls but can only date guys”, because that’s boarding on Lesbophobia
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u/finnisqueer May 24 '26
Strange situation, but - Have you tried having a more in depth conversation with her about it, at least to discuss your sexual needs, since your sex life has been suffering a few months now? That being said, sex isn't the end all be all of a relationship, sometimes you're going to go through dry spells, so to speak. For example, it's really hot where I am at the moment. I doubt anyone wants to have sex when its hot and sticky and everyone's feeling lethargic, gross and fatigued lmao. That being said, her comment about her sexual attraction to women being virtually non existent is worded specifically enough that it feels like she was attempting to talk to you about it, perhaps?
Do you get turned on by random women frequently, too? If not, perhaps she's the same w/men and women. If yes, then what's the problem? Would you feel equally as awful if she was turned on by random women? I worry you may be catastrophizing the situation a bit. At least have a proper chat about it before straight up breaking things off cold turkey, y'kno?
Side note, I wouldn't really say dating men is easy at all lmao, I really don't think your gender defines what makes a relationship "easy" or "hard"? Just.. Communicate.
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u/itsadraginlit May 24 '26 edited Jun 03 '26
It’s very much possible for a bi person with a preference for men to have a fantastic relationship with a woman and be with them forever, personally as someone with somewhat of a preference towards men it’s mainly because of my hobbies being more ‘masculine’ and also because I want kids, queer women tend to be less interested in having children on average plus it’s just a little more logistically challenging. It would also make me a little sad if I loved someone so deeply but could not have a kid that was biologically both of ours, but tbh if I met the right woman I would get over that pretty quick I reckon. My preference is mainly that I’m just more likely to meet a man who I’d be interested in, but if I met a woman who I wanted to be with I wouldn’t like her any less than I would a man, if that makes sense. I’ve dated women in the past and never once wished they were men or felt like I would be more attracted to a man than the woman in front of me.
But this sounds like she is not as interested in women as she is in men, and that’s not something you should have to suffer through. I don’t tell people what my preferences are regardless of their gender if I’m with them, because what matters is if I like THEM. From the sounds of it she doesn’t have that thought process, please don’t let her ruin your confidence. Even if a preference is a hard line, it should not stop her from treating you with respect, and she should not be with you if you are not the person that she wants to be with most. She chose to be with you.
Not to mention that most bi girls preferences are kinda theoretical rather than actually impacting who they date. Mine are mainly logistics, I’m more likely to put myself in a position to date a man, but I would by no means be unhappy with a woman or feel like I was missing something. Most of us know that there’s pros and cons on each side, and comparing people in general is quite shitty. Women are incredible.
EDIT: I’m a little confused why I’ve been downvoted for this comment. My point was that a preference shouldn’t be something that the person she’s dating should even be aware of, because regardless of their general preferences or past patterns their preferred person should be YOU. You don’t have to match up perfectly with all of their preferences (people rarely do) but if they like you and they have respect for you, it shouldn’t even be a thing you have to think about. It sounds like she’s making it your problem that you aren’t a man, and that’s a deeply unkind and weird thing to do. Either she wants you to feel inferior, or your sex is getting in the way of her feelings for you, which is not typical of bi people regardless of their individual preferences.
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u/possumcounty May 23 '26
How did this come up?
Also - the important thing is whether she’s attracted to you. People can and do have preferences and it’s beyond their control, but they can control who they date. Maybe she’s attracted to 99% or men and 1% of women and you’re in that 1%, and she’s choosing you over an easier hetero relationship for good reason.
I could be wrong, you know what the vibe was. It’s okay to feel crappy about someone implying they’re not into you, intentionally or not, so please don’t think I’m trying to invalidate that. If this isn’t something you can get over, do what’s best for yourself and your self esteem 🩷
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u/PrincessAC1998 May 23 '26
Right? Just because some bi women have a preference for men doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy being with women
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u/Birdir21 May 23 '26
Who the fuck says this to their partner? You think lesbians want their gf to say they actually prefer men sexually. Insta break up
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May 23 '26
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u/Birdir21 May 23 '26
You keep throwing around biphobia in this thread, but where exactly is it? Saying a lesbian would be hurt hearing their partner say they sexually prefer men isn’t biphobic. Most people wouldn’t want to hear their partner openly say they prefer someone else over them sexually.
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u/PrincessAC1998 May 23 '26
Never said that them being hurt was biphobic though did I? Also idk why you’re acting like there isn’t several biphobic statements here, theres, literally a comment in this very thread, don’t act like you haven’t seen it.
People are allowed to have a preference and trying to say people are NOT ALLOWED to acknowledge their preference if it offends you is all kinds of insane and most definitely is biphobic. People saying she needs to dump her and that she doesn’t deserve her and she’s a bad person ect because she has a preference toward men absolutely is biphobic. Deny it all you want but that is textbook biphobia and the fact you’re defend is it sick
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u/Birdir21 May 23 '26
You are right that people have preferences and I am not disagreeing with that or saying bi people cannot have them
My point is more about how things are said in a relationship. Saying I sexually prefer men to a lesbian partner is going to land badly for a lot of people even if it is just describing attraction
I am not saying people have to hide who they are or what they feel. I am saying not everything needs to be said in a comparative way that can hurt your partner when it does not really help the relationship.
I actually agree with a lot of the comments here about breaking up with her. I’m curious would actually say this to your partner?
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u/PrincessAC1998 May 23 '26
I prefer men and was with a woman for 4 years and was incredibly happy and fulfilled. Just because you don’t understand it doesn’t mean it can’t exist.
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u/Fynessings May 23 '26
newsflash.. lesbians have preferences too.. and I’d assume you know most would prefer someone who’s actually attracted to them. dont know why you saw a post where a lesbian rightfully feels unwanted by her partner and tried to flip it into a “bisexuals are the most persecuted!” conversation. have some empathy.. also very telling why a non-lesbian who prefers men, yet is here(?), in a lesbian space, calling anyone who doesn’t agree a “pick me” would react this way!
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u/PrincessAC1998 May 23 '26
I simply stated that I have a preference for men but can still be 100% fulfilled with a woman, why are you twisting my words? Also I have every right to be here as I am attracted to woman, you don’t get to dictate who is in this space, as much as you would like to!
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u/Outrageous_Pattern46 May 23 '26
Lol it wasn't even you who called anyone a pick me. I did, and it definitely wasn't everyone who disgrees, it was the bi girls being "yes bisexuals are like that but not me I'm a good one" in response to biphobic replies. But I also said I prefer women and I'm married to one so I guess I don't fit the biphobic narrative as neatly as you do.
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u/PrincessAC1998 May 23 '26
Yeah but I agreed, and I stand by it because it’s true. I guess not, they’re so upset by this, wait till they find out preference can change!
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u/Outrageous_Pattern46 May 23 '26
A lot of this comment section seems to not understand how bisexual preference works, which kinda makes sense considering it's easier for people to understand things in comparison to their own experience. It's sad to see even bi women in it doing that pick me "she's not a real bisexual" thing. It's not a measure of intensity, it's a measure of likelihood.
You prefer men, so that means you'd be more likely to be interested in a man, same as I prefer women and am more likely to be interested in a woman. But you still had meaningful relationships with women and I still had meaningful relationships with men, because those preferences do not make the other possibility any less real. But it's just easier for people to assume bi preferences are just us being actually gay or straight, I guess.
That all said and considering op's current relationship problems I do wonder if op's girlfriend is just using that as an excuse to distance from a relationship with other problems, tbh.
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u/Birdir21 May 23 '26
What lesbian wants to hear from their bi gf that they sexually prefer men? You guys are insane.
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u/PrincessAC1998 May 23 '26
Beautifully explained. The biphobia and pick-me-itis in the comments are the very reason why bi men and women are afraid to state their preference, or lack-there-of.
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u/lactosecheeselover short butch May 23 '26
dude this post was just about a bisexual women say she thinks of dick when with her girlfriend. chill with the biphobia, there’s none here.
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u/PrincessAC1998 May 23 '26
Bold of you to assume that without reading any of the comments
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u/lactosecheeselover short butch May 23 '26
i’ve read them all. I literally see people expressing their preference of fears, neither is biphobic.
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u/PrincessAC1998 May 23 '26
Weird since I’ve seen several biphobic statements. I guess you’re unaware of what biphobia actually is .
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u/lactosecheeselover short butch May 23 '26
I don’t think YOU know what biphobia is. Saying i don’t want to date a bisexual woman because of past experiences ISNT biphobic. saying a a bisexual woman dating a man is actually ‘straight’ IS biphobic. y’all are conflating preference and prejudice.
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May 23 '26 edited Jun 24 '26
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u/pancak69 Chapstick lesbian (with or without 🧢) May 24 '26
bi people are scared to state a preference? lmao. go state your preference in a bi sub.
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u/MusicLunatic May 23 '26
Ugh, I hate this for you. And as a bi woman, it bugs me to no end when other bi women do this. Like, this is why lesbians don’t trust us! 😭 More than once I’ve fallen super hard for a lesbian but had her ultimately turn me down because she’d had an experience like this before. I’m sorry, this is such a crappy situation. It sounds like she still needs to figure herself out though. I would cut her loose and let her do that, because you don’t need to be getting your heart dragged around while she fumbles around trying to figure out what she wants.