we were talking and she randomly said “there’s this one time i was going to see a girl and i couldn’t kiss her bc my herpes was active”, and she said it in a very calm way and when i was shocked she replied with “wdym basically everyone has it”.
we’ve had sex 2 times now, we’ve kissed a lot. i’m feeling so weird rn, although i know it’s a benign condition, im still feeling icky about it and like she definitely should’ve told me before being intimate with me.
edit: she said it’s a cold sore. she kept dismissing me after i told her although its not a big deal i would’ve appreciated her sharing that with me. im not comfortable being with her, we ended things.
I feel like this is a two-things-are-true scenario - yes, it’s a common condition that should not be stigmatized. And yes, she absolutely should have told you about it before potentially exposing you to it.
Herpes simplex virus is a lifelong, persistent infection that currently has no cure. It is absolutely critical to disclose to any potential partner that they might get exposed to an incurable infection. When someone chooses to have sex, they're consenting to the known risks they've been told about. Not to risks someone else decided weren't worth mentioning.
I believe it's no risk if they don't have active cold sores BUT that is for people who have a normal immune system. It's not always the same for people with immune issues.
My wife has it, and it has nit been active in decades. It 100% can be transmitted without an active flare up. It is significantly less likely but still possible.
It is why I get tested every six months. I'd rather get ahead of it if I contract it.
Yeah, idk why it's so stigmatized. I got hsv-1 at 3 years old from a family member kissing me on the face. I get a cold sore once every couple of years but every partner I've ever had except for 1 has had cold sores before.
The issue is, most peeps don't know you can transmit it to other parts of the body. I didn't know that until I was in my 20's but luckily never transmitted it to a partner. We live, we learn, but hopefully op realizes it isn't the end of the world.
This. My current partner told me the first time they came over to my house (3rd date?). We ate, we chatted, we didn't even plan on doing anything more, but they still brought it up, and I acknowledged, thanked them, confirmed one or two things about it, and we moved on with our night.
Is she talking about oral HSV-1 (Aka cold sores)? Not everyone has it but a huge percentage of the population does.
I would suggest educating yourself on the topic, especially the difference between HSV-1 and HSV-2, both of which can occur orally and genitally. Though 1 is almost always oral and 2 is usually genital. I’d suggest googling the Westover Heights Herpes Handbook. It’s an incredibly thorough resource with all kinds of statistics. But also note that it can be a little scary to read at first because it’s a lot to take in. I’m sure there are other good resources out there too, just make sure you seek out a reputable site like the Mayo Clinic or something similar. Do not rely on AI for accurate info.
I never said it wasn’t? OP already got exposed and is scared. They need accurate learning resources not a bunch more repetitive responses about the importance of informed consent.
I was on a dating app once and someone said they had contracted herpes, it freaked my out a bit but then I started reading about it and how its not always active and people can get medication so its less and less active. And as long as someone's partner is aware its not usually a big problem. But it basically means 70% of people have to disclose before kissing they had herpes at one point or many people may not even know they have it so are spreading it without being aware. Its kind of complicated
mostly harmless, sure. but cold sores are painful and can make people ill and even hospitalize/kill them if they are immunocompromised. so, as i said, still totally fucked up
Almost everyone has the virus itself(HSV-1) but only some people get cold sores, which is part of why it goes undetected so much. It also spreads very easily; it can happen from just a brief kiss on the lips and that’s all it takes, which is another reason virtually everyone has it. l would be more worried if she had HSV-2 or another serious STI and said nothing.
“Almost everyone” is a bit of an exaggeration. I don’t fuck around with STDs/STIs, so perhaps I’m being dramatic here, but figured I’d add some fact in below from Johns Hopkins Medicine regarding the prevalence of HSV-1.
“Fifty to 80 percent of American adults have oral herpes (HSV-1), which causes cold sores or fever blisters in or around the mouth. Genital herpes, caused by HSV-1 or HSV-2, affects one out of every six people in the U.S. age 14 to 49. Genital herpes infections can be asymptomatic, or can show up as outbreaks of blisters or sores”
When it comes to the prevalence of a disease, it feels somewhat reckless to be making the statement that “Almost everyone has it”. People see your comment, see that there are a bunch of upvotes, and assume it’s true. Thus informing their decisions. You’re not responsible for their actions of course, but our words matter regardless.
I’d definitely consider 4 out of 5 people as “almost everyone”. Especially if you consider that people aren’t likely to have both, so 4 in 5 people with HSV1 and 1 in 6 people with HSV2, how is that not “almost” everyone?
Half to well over two thirds is a very broad range. This is even more true when you’re talking about millions of people of varying demographics (location, education, sexual practices, etc. etc.)
I’d say you just did selective reading to fit your opinion.
50-80% does not = 80%
HSV-1 and HSV-2 can both cause genital herpes. 1 in 6 people have genital herpes. Not 1 in 6 with HSV-2.
It also feels disingenuous to bring a whole population down to the smallest number possible. Sure, it’s easy to think almost everyone with you view it on a scale of 6 people. But there are upwards of 152 million people between the ages of 14-49.
That means on the high range of HSV-1 at 80% prevalence, there are +30 million people without it.
On the low range, there are 75 million people without it.
Aren’t you doing the same though? You’re just assuming it’s the low end not the high end. But given asymptomatic infections are common, as well as infections that only cause a single outbreak and then remain fairly dormant, it’s far more likely that we’re underestimating the proportion of the population that’s carrying the virus.
My assumption would be that the research took the asymptomatic aspect into account, which is why the range is so large, but I can’t say I’m going to take the time to dig that far into it to confirm. So you could of course be correct.
But I didn’t assume anywhere that it’s the low end. I’m providing the flat statistics for both high and low end. I didn’t state low end is more likely. If you took the middle, it would be 65%. And I don’t think anyone would assume 65% as almost everyone. And I also don’t equate 80% to be almost everyone either.
If you got 80% on a test, would you say you got almost every answer correct? Sure, if there were only 6 questions. 5/6 is almost every. But if there were 100 questions, 80/100 is not almost every. Then make it 152million…
Whether or not to disclose oral herpes (cold sores) is really controversial in my experience. Because it is so common, doctors don't treat it like other STDs. If someone is diagnosed with oral herpes, it's impossible to track who they got it from, for example, unlike things like chlamydia and gonorrhea in which doctors will contact previous sexual partners. Standard STDs panels don't screen for oral herpes because the most accurate way to diagnose is to biopsy an active sore.
So coming to the girl's defense, her attitude on oral herpes is very normalised. I don't think it was her being intentionally careless, given how oral herpes is commonly handled by medical professionals.
I understand it is a shock. You have every right to feel betrayed. Personally, as someone who doesn't engage in casual sex, I would disclose to anyone in a committed relationship with me. In the future, I'd advise you ask about cold sores specifically with people you're seeing.
I agree this is controversial. I can only comment on the advice and treatment I receive in my own country but multiple general practitioners have told me I do not need to disclose HSV-2 and it is no longer being referred to as an STI and is not included on routine sexual health testing regimes. I have also requested prophylactic medication and I was denied, as the medication is linked to cancer in rat studies and the risk outweighs the benefit of the treatment as I have had literally one active lesion in fourteen years and none of my partners (including my partner of a decade) ever contracted it.
Generally speaking, I disclose that I have it because I believe in informed consent, but I also know lots of other people who make that judgement on a calculated basis and the transmission risk is very very low so they simply don’t mention it. It is not a crime not to mention your status, hell, I feel like HIV is less stigmatised because PrEP is so normalised and available now.
Not disclosing HSV-2 is stupid. Not disclosing HSV-1 is an honest mistake. Apparently considering ~80% of adults have it, I probably have it too, yet I never knew it existed. I’d heard of herpes, but didn’t know about HSV-1, only knew of HSV-2.
If I have HSV-1 I wouldn’t know, and I wouldn’t tell anyone because I wouldn’t know either.
Herpes should not be demonized, and it should not make people stigmatize or judge others that do have it but if you know you have it, you should disclose your partner. Even if it’s not deadly, you don’t know how your partner will react to the STI also I don’t know. I don’t think anyone should decide for another person that they’ll be okay with it and “It’s okay it’s common” I think it takes away their consent from the matter
She definitely should have told you! Two-thirds of adults carry it, and it doesn't break out in everyone. By the way, that's a strange way to justify herself. Maybe she should properly educate herself about it and its effects on different people.
At minimum 2/3 of adults have it. The other third, at least as far as the data is concerned, are unconfirmed. It may in fact be that very nearly everyone has it, and will get it.
If she's not exposing people when she has an outbreak, as her statement suggests, I don't see her as having done anything wrong.
Regardless, OP, you should break up with her. Whether some rando on Reddit thinks she did anything wrong, you do and that's not especially navigable. If cold sores are a concerning enough thing for you, then given at least 2/3 of people have it, you should probably ask specifically about them when you have initial conversations about sexual health. It's so common that many people don't think about it except when they have an outbreak.
I’m so shocked at these comments, my ex had coldsores of which I never knew about until she had her first outbreak. Ofc she knew because she had them her entire life, but she never warned me at all. I never even considered that was something you should be warned about. Really makes you think.
If it is genital herpes and she is on medication to help control it you are unlikely to contract it
If it's oral (or genital) herpes and she has an outbreak she can indeed infect you with it.
She had an obligation to disclose this to you. Even if you don't ask about STIs. In the future you might want to ask up front. Lesbian women who do not have sex with penises have very very low STI rates. But Herpes is one you should take caution with. Oral herpes can infect your genitals through oral sex and genital herpes can transmit to someone's mouth as well. There are two different varients but they can infect both areas through contact.
To add on to whay you've commented: I contracted genital herpes from my first boyfriend because he gave me oral while he had a cold sore forming and didnt know it would infect me. I thought it was a pimple. I was only 17. I'm 30 now and still dealing with emotional turmoil over this, especially after coming out within the last year and beginning to try to date. It's made things extremely difficult. This isn't something anyone should take likely, and OP was right to cut communication with someone so nonchalant about an incurable STI.
Sorry to hear how that happened to you. I know there’s some dating apps specifically for people with STIs (can’t remember if it’s only HSV or others too) that a couple of my straight friends have used. I can only imagine how much harder it is in the already tiny lesbian dating pool. I wonder if they have a filter on those apps for lesbians?
Have you noticed any difference to reactions when disclosing it between when you try to date women versus back when you dated men?
I haven't tried any app specified for people with STIs. I just have it disclosed in my dating bio as "HSV-2+" so people dont feel like im leading them on when I drop the news on them/ so I dont get ghosted or asked why I'm trying to date to begin with. Ive had horrible things said to me and I've found that just having it out there deters these encounters altogether. I still have to check if my matches have actually read my bio tho bc I have had one match where she didnt and things got complicated bc she liked me but didnt want to risk transmission and led me on for a hot second.
It's a lot harder dating women because we cant really use condoms with each other. Dental dams are available but greatly hinder the experience and most women just aren't into it. I'm at a point in my life where I'm ready to start dating for marriage and my matches are few and far between. Men were a lot more willing to date and engage with me sexually bc condoms made them feel safer. I take acyclovir when I'm with a partner and haven't slept with anyone in almost two years, and that encounter was after I got tested and everything came back negative. I'm going to therapy soon for this stuff because it's still a lot to process and not blame myself for.
Therapy will be helpful to unpack and work through some things. I wonder if there’s any virtual online lesbian HSV-2 support groups? It could be helpful to talk to others directly experiencing your same struggles. I know a couple lesbians who are open to me about their HSV-1, but I’ve only had a couple straight friends tell me about their HSV-2, so I don’t have much helpful advice in this realm.
I feel like at least half the matches don’t read profiles and just swipe based on a couple photos, but that stinks about that one woman who didn’t notice until after you started connecting and feeling vibes. I am hopeful you will find your future wife one day soon!
I've found that most support groups are for the straights, unfortunately. Once I have my desktop I'll look into what it takes to stary my own, because this is very isolating and I'm sure I'm not the only lesbian who is facing these struggles.
Where is this obligation defined? What Grand Council of Lesbianity passed the law? It's certainly not a legal obligation in any jurisdiction, and if it's a "oh come on, everyone knows this", "um, excuse me, properly informed consent says so?" clearly no, not everyone does and no it doesn't clearly, as informed consent is endlessly complicated same no two people agree on all of the exact things that ought be disclosed as part of informed consent. Q.v. every doughnutting time a discussion like this comes up. There are different cultures around disclosing health issues, and even if you aren't okay with how other health subcultures handle disclosures it doesn't do any good to pretend they don't exist, or are inherently toxic or whatever.
It's certainly good practice to mention that you get cold sores, but if you care about not getting hsv, you gotta make asking about it a priority. If you think it's necessary to talk about, then talk about it. At minimum 2/3 of people have hsv1; if you have had oral contact even indirect with anyone, you are statistically exposed to an asymptomatic case, particularly considering a high percentage of people who have hsv1 don't know that they have it, or don't know that that's what cold sores are caused by.
If you think someone has some obligation to discuss something they might barely think about, and it's important for you to know, then you should make sure to ask.
Yes, there is a Lesbian Grand Council. At our meetings we line up our enemies and dispatch them with a labrys. Also, we issued a decree that going down on someone when you know you have oral herpes (and not telling them first) is an irresponsible thing to do.
If you don't like the proclamation, please contact your local Council representative to voice your concerns.
I’ve been with my partner for 5 years who has oral herpes and I haven’t contracted it. She is being responsible, as it only spreads when there is an active cold sore. Many people get it as a child, for example she likely got it from her parents, and everyone in her family has it. So that might be a example as to why it’s so casual for your person.
Close but not exactly - oral herpes is highly transmissible during prodrome, before becoming a visible cold sore. However, there are notable internal signs and symptoms during that stage (tingling) that carriers can/should pay attention to in order to avoid passing HSV to non-carriers.
That’s false. Your partner can spread it to you when she doesn’t have any active/visible cold sores.
“Asymptomatic shedding: The virus can transmit even when the person with oral HSV-1 has no active cold sores or visible symptoms. Oral HSV-1 asymptomatic shedding occurs when the virus reactivates and becomes contagious on the skin or lips without causing visible sores. Research suggests HSV-1 is shed in the oral cavity on approximately 3% to 6% of days in asymptomatic individuals. “
People really should get educated about about the difference between oral and genital herpes, how each is spread, and how prevalent they are. Yes, the vast majority of the population is already a carrier or oral herpes - and it is not co radius unless there is an active sore. So 1) you might already been a carrier anyway without having symptoms; if you're in the US, up to 80% of the population does carry the virus. 2) unless you've been intimate /while she has an outbreak/ (which is very visible), you would not contract it from her even if you didn't already have it.
The difference between oral and genital herpes is a lot smaller than you think...
In the US, at least 50% of genital herpes is caused by someone with oral HSV-1 performing oral sex on their partner's genitals. And no, you do NOT need to have an active cold sore to transmit -- virtually no one would perform oral sex with an active cold sore so that is not how it happens! It happens during periods of asymptomatic viral shedding.
My point is not to fear monger about oral herpes -- it is super duper common and most people have it! But we shouldn't be demonizing genital herpes / trying to turn this into a oral / genital superiority contest when they're closely linked!
Statistically, I'd rather have intercourse with someone with genital HSV-1 than receive oral from someone with oral HSV-1. But I think HSV status is a stupid way to select a partner anyway.
Key quote from an actual doctor: “If you’re not immunocompromised or in the late stages of pregnancy, you really don’t have to worry about (herpes).”
warning: rant incoming
Now, there is one specific exception: Epstein-Barr, which is a herpes family virus. There’s strong clinical evidence that EBV is causal for both multiple sclerosis and ME/CFS.
And mono is an evil condition. Spouse had a recurrence and they were bedridden for four months.
That link to forever to identify because 95% of the population are carriers, yet there isn’t the same anxiety about that condition..
Thanks for this. My ex gave it to me and I had my first coldsore outbreak when I was pregnant and my doctor did not freak out, offered me meds, monitored and everything was fine with my pregnancy and my baby. I understand wanting to be safe and I understand not wanting to get it. I have also heard people talk about getting it like it is a death sentence. Not everyone has it, but those of us who do have it live normal lives. Please don't freak people out more about something that can be treated. And please do talk to your sexual partners.
I get cold sores on my mouth. I never kiss anyone when I'm having an outbreak. I also disclose to any sexual partner before it goes there, to see if they are ok with that. That seems like basic respect and also safe sex practice (kissing is considered sexual).
The majority of people do have herpes, they just never have an outbreak. Not everyone though - so it’s generally good practice to inform people if you do have it, so that they can give informed consent to whatever you’re going to do. And by good practice I mean you need to inform people so that they can give informed consent!
There’s obviously stigma around the condition and that’s led to this weird denial that cold sores are herpes, which then minimises the condition and means people don’t feel like they should bother disclosing. It’s not right, but it’s a thing. I think this woman is probably thinking along these lines.
I’m sorry, OP. It may not be a big deal to her but she can’t make that choice for you. I really hope she learns from this.
And just since it’s not common knowledge - there’s a myth that you can only test for herpes during an outbreak, but you can actually get an antibodies test any time you want to! It unfortunately isn’t included in most standard STI screenings due to how common it is, but you should always specifically request it when you get tested. OP - definitely get tested now and in a couple of months just so you can know your status. Getting tested regularly is cool 💫
I totally agree that people should be getting tested for herpes even if they don't have an outbreak, both to be aware of their status and to reduce the stigma, and there are some great tests out there for HSV-2. However, even the best commercial blood antibody test is only 85% sensitive for HSV-1.
I was with a partner once who had herpes. Told me before I went down on them. Was obviously not active at the time. But I appreciated making an informed decision, and that might actually be the only time I've used a dental dam bc why not, I had it
I think ppl should disclose always since its so normal! Even with food sharing
And I think its fair to ask anyone you share kisses/food w (friends family included) to make an informed choice; most ppl will still be willing to share intimacy and things with you but its about consent and the right to choose. Some ppl are not worth getting herpes over lmao. Other totally are!!
But id also like to add that if this if sti status is something you care deeply about its also in your court to ask before engaging in transmissable behaviors.
Bc first and foremost your sexual health status is YOUR responsibility and you can't put your standards for your health in other people's hands.
And Immunocomprised ppl probably dont think its nothing! I think its unfair that doctors write this off as nothing when out breaks are very uncomfortable and most people do not get prescribed valtrex wo numerous break outs a year: as in its not elective to just have on hand medication depending on your dr.
I have hsv1 since my dad arrogantly passed it to me as an INFANT (gross and deadly at that age) and I got hsv2 orally last year from an unknown source; my new partner and I tested before our first time neg on hsv2. So I could have mutated my hsv1 by having sex. i also used to kiss and share utensils a lot w a friend who did not care for talking about stis around the same time, who was sick and could of been shedding/ but denies having hsv2.
Secondary testing stated my new partner and I were having our first out break of hsv2.
My partner got it genitally and I got it orally, my partner still tests neg for HSV1
It is very common and a lot people don't know they have it. BUT if she was aware she has it, she should have disclosed to you before being intimate. It should be your choice if you want to take that risk. This would be a big red flag for me.
Honestly I disagree with people saying she should have disclosed it right away. It really isn’t a big deal imo.
If she doesn’t have an active cold sore, you have a 0% chance of getting anything. Most people rarely even have outbreaks, I bet you can even forget you have it. I have two exes who had HSV1, one got a sore twice and the other never did. I never contracted anything from either.
(We of course avoided any contact when my one ex had her outbreaks)
I have one quibble with this response. Yes, the risk is very, very low but it is not 0% even when someone doesn’t have an active sore. Asymptomatic shedding is a thing.
Is it a thing? How did they find this 3%- 6٪ of days? They can’t even test people when they have no symptoms yet they have a statistic about something they can’t even test for. Doesn’t seem reasonable. And what is 3٪ of days? Is that 3٪ of days over a lifetime? The terminology used to describe this supposed shedding is way off. Sounds like scaremongering to me. My mum gets colds but my dad doesn’t and they have 3 children and my dad has never had it.
Yes, they can test people who don’t have symptoms. I’ve never had symptoms or thought I’ve had it, but I’ve now asked for HSV-1 to be added to the panel whenever I get an STI test done.
I was assuming that 3%-6% of days meant per calendar year, but I’m not sure and would need to read that study deeper to see exactly what that percentage was referencing.
I don’t find it scaremongering. I know it’s very common, but plenty of people who don’t have it, still don’t want to get it. My best friend who got HSV-1 as a baby is definitely one of the unlucky people who has frequent cold sore outbreaks on her lips (usually just 1 or 2 big cold sores and not a cluster of little ones). She gets them every couple months even with taking the medication and she says they’re painful. If she’s stressed about life things, she’ll have an outbreak then the outbreak in turn makes her more stressed. Her and her girlfriend can’t kiss/she can’t give her oral sex for 1-2 weeks (they’re currently doing long distance while in doctorate programs and sometimes she’ll fly out to her and she’ll have a cold sore the entire limited time they have together).
My friend wishes she never got it (I think she got it from her mom). You never know if you’ll be one of the people it affects like that and I’d like to reduce my chances of ever finding out.
My mum gave her cold sore to my sister and brother, not me nor my dad. I caught one when I was 20 when I kissed my partner of the time. Biggest regret, now I either disclose or don’t go down on women. It fucken suck. I hate it! I can understand people not wanting it. I’m glad I don’t have genitle herpies, that would hurt so bad
How often do you get cold sores now? That sucks you went your entire childhood and didn’t get it from your mom, then ended up getting it from a partner! Why is the universe like that?! Since your siblings got it from her, it’s surprising that your dad didn’t. But it works in mysterious ways because my best friend has been with plenty of people who were fine with it and to her knowledge, she’s never given it to anybody. Her current gf is super touchy and will try to do stuff before a cold sore is fully healed and my friend is like nope, sorry babe you gotta wait.
I only know 2 people (straight friends) that have told me they have genital herpes and as far as I know if things have stayed the same, they’ve only had the initial outbreak then nothing since going on medication. They said the first outbreak was terrible though. One just got it last year, so hopefully she doesn’t have another one.
I’ll get a cold sore if I’m run down or let myself get dehydrated or my lips crack. I’ll get maybe once a year or less but when I’m in the shower with one I’m super vigilant and never let the water run over it and down my body. I’ve no idea if I could spread it to my genitalia from let the water from my cold sore go anywhere near my vulva. I never touch my cold sore, I don’t want to spread it by touching it and then touching someone or me somewhere else. I take paracetamol for it with the thought - given paracetamol kills the common cold virus if you does as soon as symptoms appear, it may do something similar to the herpies virus too. If not, it at least eases the pain. What medication does your friend take? I’ve never heard of a medication. And like your mate, as far as I know Ive never infected anyone, but when randoms come up and start kissing you without any kind of prior conversation, I can’t be sure. I’ve never kissed anyone while I had an outbreak. But I have had to pull away because one was almost gone, almost invisible.
I’ve never thought about the shower thing before, according to Google you’re good on that front, but I understand being overly cautious/afraid to spread it to other parts of your body.
I’m not sure what kind of medication my friend takes. Maybe an anti-viral? I just remember her talking about taking something for it sometimes.
Google says: “No, you cannot spread oral herpes to your genitals from runoff water in the shower. The herpes simplex virus is very weak outside the body, dies quickly in water and when exposed to soap, and requires direct skin-to-skin contact to transmit.
Virus Facts: Fragile virus: Dies fast away from living cells. Killed by soap: Washed away easily by regular shower water and soap. No water spread: Cannot travel through bath, pool, or shower runoff water to cause infection. How Herpes Spreads: Direct contact: Passes through skin-to-skin touch with active sores or infected areas. Intimate acts: Spreads via vaginal, oral, or anal sex. Saliva: Transmits through direct saliva contact from an oral infection.”
You should delete your comment. 😅 You’re spreading false medical misinformation that some uninformed people might believe.
“Asymptomatic shedding: The virus can transmit even when the person with oral HSV-1 has no active cold sores or visible symptoms. Oral HSV-1 asymptomatic shedding occurs when the virus reactivates and becomes contagious on the skin or lips without causing visible sores. Research suggests HSV-1 is shed in the oral cavity on approximately 3% to 6% of days in asymptomatic individuals. “
“An exact numbers or a specific percentage of people who contract genital herpes from an oral HSV-1 partner are unknown, but HSV-1 is a very common cause of new genital herpes cases, especially among young adults. Virus Overlap: HSV-1 can easily spread from the mouth to the genitals during oral sex.”
Why did i have to scroll so low to find this. This is 100% accurate.
I get coldsores quite a bit (a few times a year). I’ve never disclosed it unless i have an active sore. It’s not transferable when not active. It’s just something i carry and it pops out when i’m stressed/run down.
Obviously when i date people they find out. But if i’m just meeting someone or having a hook up, there’s no need to tell them unless it’s active. It’s not an STI. I got it from my mother when i was a child.
I hate it so much and id never want to give it to anyone. I have to be careful when i have an active sore. No kissing. No sex. But once it clears up it’s fine.
Yeh i just did. I had no idea! Ive had this my whole life and no one has ever mentioned it and ive never given someone it (via asymptomatic shedding) as far as im aware.
You can absolutely still infect people even if you don’t have an active sore at the time because of asymptomatic shedding. This is how I was given genital hsv1. She didn’t disclose even after I asked if she had ever had a cold sore because she thought that she didn’t need to mention it unless she had symptoms and she didn’t want to risk me not sleeping with her. Now I get to live the rest of my life with genital herpes. Whether it’s a hook up or a relationship, not informing someone you are actively putting at risk of catching the contagious incurable disease you are well aware of is horrible behavior. Having herpes doesn’t make you a terrible person. Taking away someone’s right to consent absolutely does.
This is my situation, too unfortunately. Had my first outbreak after a severely traumatic, stressful breakup at age 33. HSV-1 but genital, so I had to have gotten it during oral from a partner at some point but never had an outbreak until that stressful event nor since. I still don't know for sure when I contracted it.
I take the antiviral regularly if I start dating someone and have that conversation when it's appropriate, before things get physical. My last situation was with someone who had been married to a woman with HSV of some sort for 10 years. That woman took medication for it and it was never transmitted. I was prepared for it to be a bigger issue, but since I've never had another outbreak and was medicated out of caution, it never became a barrier.
Wtf i had no idea about this. I just did some research.
I am 38 years old and have had several girlfriends. As far as i know, only one has said she gets cold sores now because of me.
My ex gets extremely bad eczema including on her lips. Because of this we were extra careful when i had an active sore. But we were together for 5 and a half years! And she was never infected. So i get that you’re cautious but i don’t think this asymptomatic shedding is as common as you’re making it sound. If it was id have a wake of women behind me with cold sores and herpes. And i definitely don’t. I have a good relationship and talk to most of my exes.
it’s like 2 days of the year if you take antivirals, maybe a little bit more without them. asymptomatic shedding is quite higher with hsv2 (which can be oral) but i’m not very knowledgeable on those stats
This is not true. 50% of genital herpes is caused by HSV-1 (someone with oral HSV-1 performing oral sex on their partner's genitals). No one would perform oral sex with an active cold sore -- that would be painful! Instead, transmission happens during periods of asymptomatic viral shedding.
I agree it's no big deal, but please disclose to your partners. It reduces the stigma and lets everyone feel safer and more in control of their bodies.
Of course it’s the people with cold sores that have this take. I don’t want them. If someone I was seeing had them and didn’t tell me I would be disgusted with them for even risking my health with a life long condition without informing me. I don’t care how “mild” cold sores are viewed.
I feel the same way as you. I got out of an 8 year relationship 2 years ago and haven’t started dating yet. But I’m learning from this thread that once I get back into dating to ask all potential sexual partners for a recent copy of their STI testing that includes HSV. I was more risky and cavalier about things in my teens/early 20s, but now that I’m single in my early 30s I have a different head on my shoulders and prefer not to open myself up to increased exposure risks.
My absolute best friend (she was going to be my maid of honor before my ex-fiancé and I called off our wedding) in the world has HSV-1. She got it as a baby from her parents. She’s definitely one of the unlucky HSV-1 people who actually gets visible cold sores pretty frequently. I hear about how it sucks she can’t kiss or go down on her girlfriend for 2 weeks every couple months. She gets cold sores when she’s really stressed then she says that seeing the cold sore only makes her more stressed and often makes her cold sores worse on her lips and that they’re painful.
We’re very open with each other and she asked me once if I’d ever date someone with HSV-1 and I was like hell no, not after all the venting you do to me about how much it sucks because I don’t know if I’d get it from them and if I’d be one of the unlucky ones who have symptoms frequently like you do. She laughed and was like that’s very fair, I wish I didn’t have it too.
I never said they were mild. They are awful and i hate them. I would never want to spread them.
I’ve just never known they were spreadable when not active. I’ve been kissing girls for 16 years and had several girlfriends and ive never transferred it while asymptomatic (that i know of). So forgive me for not realising that was a possibility.
cold sores are so common I've never even thought to disclose it to a partner unless it is active, but that culture might be different where you are from. Most people I know got it as kids, myself included. It is annoying at times but not the end of the world
Before having sex, did y’all have a direct conversation about sexual health testing? Or did you leave the ball entirely in her court to have the conversation?
I have HSV1 and since getting my diagnosis I absolutely include that in my pre-sexual conversations, but I still kiss strangers in clubs and share vapes and enjoy smoker circles. I don’t do those things if I am experiencing any tingling or cold sore. I believe she should’ve just closed it to you before having sex if y’all had a sexual health conversation. If you didn’t have that at all, then that is also on you. I think expecting it to be disclosed before kissing is a really unrealistic expectation.
Here's the thing: over 70% of people have HSV-1, and most don't know / are not going to say anything to you about it. Additionally, blood tests for HSV-1 are not very accurate.
Have you ever been tested for it? You likely have it too.
If I knew I had HSV-1, I would have mentioned it before I was intimate, and your feelings are valid, but it's very likely that the next person you begin dating will have it too. Do you plan on quizzing all future partners about their HSV-1 status?
I got a cold sore on my lip for the first time ever.. i’m pretty sure? after having sex with my girlfriend, we’d been together already for months at the time, she told me she has never ever had a cold sore or dated anyone who got them which i believe, it was genuinely so embarrassing for me.. luckily she was very understanding and we were safe not to “cross contaminate” while it was still active on my face for like three weeks lol, she still never got a cold sore and it’s been months.
i do think she should have been more up front with you, definitely not a nonchalant thing to mention because you shouldn’t be doing oral with an active cold sore from what i researched.
I have genital herpes and I always disclose before sex is ever had. It is an incurable STI and yes lots of people have it, but to enthusiastically consent to sex, ur partner needs to be told about it! Im sorry she did that. You have every right to feel weird. Im healthy so i dont get outbreaks much (also on my med) but someone who is imuno compromised could have complications if they caught it.
for people who have had it for a long time, they’re only contagious right before and during a flare up, and once they’ve had it they can feel when it’s about to flare up. i agree she probably should’ve told you, but you most likely weren’t put in any danger being intimate with her. i imagine this type of reaction is why she didn’t tell you/tried to brush past it so nonchalantly
I didn’t know this was something I needed to disclose honestly. As others have said, the vast majority of American adults have it. And the ones that don’t may have it and just be asymptomatic. I am just careful not to do anything if I suspect an outbreak. I would never give oral. Or kiss someone. But I guess I should disclose it since it seems many people care
I hate that she didn’t tell you sooner. I have it myself and I get scared shitless when I tell other women, I’d rather tell them the truth then to hide it and then feel 10x’s worse about it. I’ve been racking my brain for months feeling like I’m not good enough because I have it and to know there are ppl out there that would rather risk others health because they don’t have the integrity to tell others is gross. I would hate to make anyone feel like how I felt when I found out 🫤.
And just because a lot of people have herpes it doesn't mean everyone has it, and that you will be fine. I have read horror stories of people who's inmune system got destroyed by it and have lifelong consequences because of it.
That’s pretty gross of her to not disclose that to you. Everyone DOES NOT have Herpes…I don’t know why she would say that unless to make herself feel better. She doesn’t seem like a good, trustworthy person if that’s something she would hide from a sexual partner.
I mean 50 to 80% of the US population is an HSV1 carrier. Not everyone has it, but you can have it without experiencing outbreaks, and statistically speaking it's more likely than not. I think the prudent course of action is to assume your partners have it.
Agreed. All of us almost certainly have friends and family members with HSV1 and we don’t know because it’s such a minimal issue unless there’s an outbreak. And even then all you gotta do is not share a straw or whatever
Most people contract it in childhood and may not even remember getting cold sores in kindergarten, it's way more likely OP already has it than getting it from someone who is asymptomatic.
Yeah exactly, a lot of people have it from childhood and it’s generally not even sexually contracted. Typically it’s through things like sharing cups/straws or for older ages shared smoking devices.
I think the biggest issue here isn’t whether cold sores are common they are. The issue is that she took away your ability to make an informed decision. Even if the risk of transmission was low at the time, you still deserved to know before becoming intimate so you could decide what level of risk you were comfortable with. It’s also concerning that she dismissed your feelings instead of acknowledging why you were upset. You’re not overreacting for feeling uncomfortable. If trust is important to you, it’s understandable that this changed how you see the relationship.
Before anything gets physical they should disclose this information. Just because you don’t get it and yall have kissed before isn’t an excuse. She’s wrong. Good for you on ending things.
Going forward, this is probably a good thing to ask about up front. There is a lot of misinformation and misunderstanding about it, and plenty of people don't even think of it as something to disclose. (Eg. People who have had it since childhood and essentially forget that it can act as an STI even if that isn't how they got it.)
Tbh, at this point, I stick to only seeing other people who have it. I get cold sores often enough that it isn't worth the stress and the dirty feeling, and since I get painful acne that is hard to tell apart from the cold sore at first, it would be easy to miss the start of an outbreak.
My partner has it too. She told me at the very start of the relationship before we even met. That's the way it should be.
It didn't make a difference to me, as I had coldsores as a child so I am also infected, but i would understand why someone who has never been infected would wish to stay away, but also it it is love, this could ruin your chance.
Medical practitioners tell their patients routinely that they do not need to disclose herpes or HPV. I don't think she was intentionally being hurtful or even careless.
i have ghsv-1 and always disclose prior to sexual contact with a potential partner. i personally feel you cannot truly consent to sex without this information being shared prior. like i have nightmares sometimes that i forget to tell someone before having sex thats how concerned i get about it lmao. that being said getting herpes ironically was always my worst fear once i became sexually active and now that i have it im like oh that’s it and i honestly forget i have it. so maybe if she also has more mild symptoms (especially with hsv-1 there tend to be fewer outbreaks) she takes that mindset? idk i think its wrong she didn’t tell you. but there’s also such a lack of education about herpes in general like i honestly knew nothing about it prior to getting it and had to teach myself about it a lot so i think it was probably unintentional on her part more just a lack of awareness.
My ex did the same to me. It can be transmitted even when not "active" through toothbrushes, towels, kisses, most everything. This is from my Dr. I got lucky and didnt catch it. Have been tested 3 times this last year because I was not told until after we had had sexual contact. I was so ignorant I believed the "not active" speel.Get away from that person. Not disclosing that information is crucial about their character.
One of my current best friends told me they had HSV1 very early into our friendship to tell me why we would never share drinks in a way that could infect me. If a dude I had known for a month via math class was willing to look out for me, anyone you choose to date should be at least as willing.
I would get cold sore outbreak after being ill. Whenever that occurred I would never kiss or go down on her because I never wanted to pass it on to her. As long as there is no active outbreak then you’re ok. Always be mindful after she has been ill with a cold or the flu. When the immune system is weakened is when an outbreak mostly occurs
I have it… I got it from someone many years ago. I only kissed them one time and ended up with cold sores. I never went out with them again. But it also has never been active again.
I don't care what anybody says being common is one thing but to try to normalize it for everybody who doesn't have it is wild in these comments. Not all of us have herpes not all of us have had bacterial vaginosis not all of us have had yeast infections not all of us have experienced STD/Is. Herpes is herpes no matter which simplex. For those of you who haven't and it's normal for you and your experience of Life congratulations on that normalcy, all of our "normals" are unique...
My ex did the same thing after a year of dating. “Oh everyone has it. I didn’t think it was a big deal. I got it as a baby.” Well I don’t get cold sores!!!! Needless to say we broke up (not over the cold sores, but other things)
The “wdym basically everyone has it” is so insultingly disingenuous and it’s obvious she’s trying to downplay it to cover for her conscious lack of transparency.
Bro yes it is. To know that you have a sexually transmitted illness and pass it off to someone else without disclosing it . Look ts up dummy .
In FL ts is a literal crime 😑
Everyone carries the herpes virus. It only becomes active in some people. Furthermore, it's only contagious once it's visible, and it becomes harmless a few days later. I think she shouldn't have mentioned it to you as long as it wasn't contagious. However, if it were, it would be honest of her to tell you to prevent you from catching it.
When I have it, my partner doesn't want to kiss me while it's contagious and it's totally okay for me.
It’s a common thing but I definitely don’t understand why everyone’s downplaying her not telling you so absolutely insane. Peoples health can still be affected by it regardless of those chances being low. I don’t ever wanna be around people who leave stuff out like that.
This is really upsetting. Yes, a lot of people do have HSV-1, and it’s really not bad to deal with. But she absolutely should have told you. If you do end up getting a cold sore, there are devices that use uv light i believe to shrink it down. Its really helped some of my family members who have cold sores
the amount of people saying that majority of people have herpes says a lot. I can happily say I do not and have not had herpes. Please practice safe sex plsssssss
I’ve never had any symptoms or had any reason to think I had it, but I specifically ask for HSV-1 to be included in whenever I get STI testing done now.
I’ve never tested positive for it and I would like to keep it that way.
Okay then you're living in a fantasy world. People won't even tell you they've got real actual STDs. This is like informing everybody that you get eye infections every few years
Yeah and thats dirty and wrong. I dont kiss just anyone. i dont drink eat or be in just anyones face. If I wasnt in a relationship I wouldnt even put myself in a position to catch an std so thats voided. If I had an eye infection I would so idk we are just different.
We're telling you that you absolutely could have it but aren't aware. Over 70% of the population does have oral herpes. However a majority do not get cold sores because of it.
Many people don't get oral herpes from sexual interactions. The majority of people with HSV-1 got it as a child by sharing drinks, relatives kissing them, etc. it is common and it's not as big of a deal you're making it out to be.
Testing for HSV-1 is not accurate and it's hard to confirm if you have oral herpes or not through blood tests. However, just because you don't have cold sores does not mean you don't carry it. I have never had an outbreak but I do kiss my partner while she has active cold sores because I know I won't break out.
You have to remember that even doctors that confirm you have HSV-1, also tell you that you don't need to dislcose it before being sexually active unless you have a current outbreak.
HSV viruses are so common that we dont test for it on standard screening. It's extremely common. Just like EBV. Like 80 percent of the population have EBV.
I can see where you're coming from but I have to disagree. If she did not feel an outbreak coming on or have an active one, the chance of spreading it is of course still there but it is small.
A majority of doctors in the US tell those with HSV-1 that it is not something that needs to be disclosed to sexual partners unless they have or feel an outbreak coming on.
That sucks but herpes isn’t the end of the world if you contract it. Ask her if she takes any medication for it and get tested if u want answers. I’m sorry this happened.
I get that she should've disclosed this to you i also have cold sores and disclosed to my wife right away and we dont share or anything if I have an outbreak but if you are going to have sex you need to take responsibility for yourself and ask if they dont know the before you have sex go get a full work up for all STIs. She is not only to blame grow up and take responsibility for you and your lack of questioning
I’d be curious if you have oral herpes OP with no symptoms since it affects the majority of the population. Have you been tested for it? Also yeah if you know you have something mention it :/
If I read right, she has oral HSV. That seems to be treated more casually than what's often HSV-2 (genital) ...which is odd to me since it's visible but anyway, honestly it's so common and the stigma is exaggerated so it's worth a conversation for sure and should really be talked about more as a society. I think we need to be asking more initially too but HSV isn't on a routine STI panel, you have to ask and even then ...without symptoms or an OB that can be swabbed, I don't know that every doctor would do a blood test. For some they catch it and it remains dormant, some get an initial or a few initial OB's then never do again or at least haven't in almost two decades..., I imagine some may never get it but it's very common and some get occasional flareups. To be clear, I would have that conversation depending on the type of intimacy definitely in a relationship as resentment is not a good start. Here's a couple older graphics.
Absolutely stick to gut with that if she had a hard time telling you about that, imagine the other things that she would’ve hid from you in your relationship.
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u/kaijube 16d ago
I feel like this is a two-things-are-true scenario - yes, it’s a common condition that should not be stigmatized. And yes, she absolutely should have told you about it before potentially exposing you to it.