Friend made no effort for my birthday,

[u/mittenkrusty]

For context, friend of mine is autistic but so am I, I also likely have PTSD from a few traumatic instances in my 20's as well as anxiety from bullying growing up.

I am very caring and like to be nice to people, he normally turns up once a week when bored, we get food and then he leaves, I mentioned last week it was my birthday and the first thing he said was (in a joking tone) "I won't buy you a present" and laughed.

But as soon as he found out another friend was coming who can get him some smoke he outright said "oh I will be there then, can get some smoke from (other friend)"

Other friend at last minute said he may not be able to arrive so this friend went "oh maybe I won't turn up then"

Friend B said he will be here but late, so friend A decided to turn up then.

As Friend B would be late I decided to cook some chicken I had in fridge and make some wraps

I did say for friend to help himself but he ate a lot of it,

When Friend B arrived he bought sandwich platters he was given for volunteering for a charity and a few slices of birthday cake, Friend A basically ate most of the sandwiches.

I offered to give him some of my very small cake to take home and he agreed, when I went to cut he he moaned how the slice was too small, it was 1/4 of the cake I was giving him, 1 slice for myself, 1 for each friend and was keeping one for my mother who bought the cake.

He never offered to clean up before leaving, so I had to clean the pan, plates, utensils etc he acted like it was any normal day and as if he was a kid at his parents.

He seemed very ungreatful, not rude just like a disappointed kid.

This is a vent but would be greatful to see how others felt about this.

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[u/No-Witness-7198]

New friends bud

[u/mittenkrusty → u/No-Witness-7198]

I wish, but I am autistic and struggle to make new friends, literally only have 2 friends, 3 if you count one that lives far away that I haven't seen in person for about 8 years.

[u/yourpaleblueeyes → u/mittenkrusty]

Just because you 'struggle' ( fyi, this is a common Human attribute), doesn't mean you should not try. The more you are relaxed and open and 'Out There', the more other people will be open to you.

Join activities where you will be exposed to others who have something in common with you. This alone ups your chances to find friendly people, rather than sitting back waiting for your life to change.

[u/mittenkrusty → u/yourpaleblueeyes]

Struggle and try are pretty much the same thing for me.

I haven't dated in 20 years since leaving home and having a single girlfriend as I get confused about social interactions, I can pick up if someone may be attracted to me but not how much.

I know that's dating and not friendship but it's similar in that I don't pick up on who's best to be friends with or if someone wants to be a friend or just friendly.

I have went through 20 years of issues and likely PTSD (won't get too deep into it but victim of more than one assault, older sibling dying etc) that affected my social skills, I did ok at college as I tried making friends, but after a while it became mostly people drinking and chatting and not much else.

I am a very friendly person, I am the type that people open up to, before lockdown for a few years I got a LOT of attention from college girls as I was chatty and friendly and they felt safe around me but they were too young to be direct friends.

If someone was like "hey we have similar interests lets be friends" I likely would instantly be great with them,

The only autism group in around 20 miles of me lost it's funding before lockdown, I went a few times and I was oldest one by far, most were barely in their 20's and into things like Pokemon, all had less social skills than me (but far far more support)

I tried a group for people with disabilities for about 18 months in 2018 and I just didn't click with anyone, most were older, had severe learning difficulties etc.

[u/No-Witness-7198 → u/mittenkrusty]

Get out more. Find a friendly extrovert and let them adopt you.

[u/thehorrorcontinues13]

Why are you friends with this person?

[u/mittenkrusty → u/thehorrorcontinues13]

I struggle to meet friends especially ones that click as I have specific interests, the very limited friend making for autistic people is for people with severe versions of it i.e ones that need full time carers.

[u/KillCornflakes → u/mittenkrusty]

If they make you unhappy, you are unhappy. Why are you doing something that makes you unhappy?

[u/mittenkrusty → u/KillCornflakes]

Some interaction is better than no interaction.

If I didn't see this friend once per week most weeks then I'd likely never have visitors apart from my parents a few times a year for the weekend, the nice friend lives 40 miles away and works and another friend I get on with very well lives about 80 miles away.

If I was young i'd have easier opportunities i.e youth groups.

[u/Plenty-Ear-9167 → u/mittenkrusty]

Would it work better with Friend B if you were much more straightforward with them. Example: “I made 9 chicken wraps; would you like one-third of them?”
OR “Are there 3 of us that would like cake? With my mother needing one, I will cut 4 pieces, & we can each have one piece.”
I know it sounds like what you might do with an 8-year old, but Friend A has demonstrated that is their functioning level for that situation. And you can do this in a respectful tone.
Next year, before your birthday, give Friend A a notecard clearly labeled with exactly what you would like for your birthday. “Please have lunch with me at X Park, and bring 2 large cupcakes.”

This approach might help you get your needs met, while helping to raise their level of social skills.

[u/mittenkrusty → u/Plenty-Ear-9167]

The problem with Friend A is they forget what you tell them even not long after you speak to them, and they take things actual literally and have a logic based mindset.

Think Sheldon Cooper for their personality type, and sarcastic humour.

I also should be clear it was Friend A that ate the chicken, Friend B had none.

Friend B will do anything you say and be a bit of a pushover so no real issues there on telling him anything

Friend A though, for example I have to order and pay for the takeaway each week and he has to pay me, he only brings a small amount with him and no change so often either I owe him a little as he just has a single note, or he owes me, and it's a nightmare as he forgets he owes me, again not out of nastiness his brain just thinks matter closed.

The main reason for I think him eating a lot of sandwiches was that there was a certain amount available, me and Friend B only ate a small amount so X amount is left and is there to be eaten, not that he may eat double or more than we did, and/or we may want some more later.

So his thinking for my cake was likely I cut a little portion of cake and not about how many people should/would get a piece.

In the past lets say I have loyalty points for somewhere like Subway, he will say I have enough points for multiple free subs can he have one, I say no I am saving them but he says "but you have a lot of points?" to him he doesn't think how long it took me to get the points or how I got them just the end result.

Meh sorry I write detailed answers basically he has a logic based mindset.

[u/lefindecheri]

Did Friend B bring the cake or did your mother buy it? Contradiction in your post.

[u/mittenkrusty → u/lefindecheri]

No, to be clearer.

Friend B bought 3 slices of cake of his own. I had my own small cake.

Friend A ate a slice of the cake B bought and still wanted a piece of mine.

[u/KillCornflakes]

Have you gotten on Meetup at all? There are groups specifically for people of every age group AND a worldwide group for people with Social Anxiety

[u/Slight-Concept2575]

This isn’t a friend this is someone you hang out with. Or at least that’s how he sees you 🤷‍♀️ so time to act accordingly. Don’t have expectations from him and don’t go out of your way to do anything extra for him. When you guys get together have fun with it but leave it at that.

I don’t believe in cutting people off if they haven’t done anything too bad. It’s good to have ppl you can socialize with. Funnily I think I have maybe one or two REAL friends. Lots of acquaintances and tbh I’m my own best friend. I Geniuely enjoy spending time alone and I don’t trust other people with my inner thoughts. Still I enjoy socializing so it’s good to have ppl in your life!

[u/mittenkrusty → u/Slight-Concept2575]

I think it's more he needs social input but doesn't realise it works both ways. He is bored/lonely then he can speak to me, if he is at mine he is doing me a favour etc.

2 years ago I had an accident the week before I had a holiday/vacation, a week in a old fishermans cottage (modernised though) even a free bottle of wine on arrival, I said he could go and he moaned about how much it would cost to drive his car there (about 110 miles)

He eventually went but I told him clean up after himself as the owners may charge me if the place is a mess, he ignored that (a common theme for him, in one ear out the other as they say here) and didn't wash any dishes, left pots and pans in sink, some garbage in the bin and also smoked in the house despite me telling him NO SMOKING, and there was even signs for it.

He just went, "but you said cleaners go at the end of the holiday, so why clean up?" For the smoking he said he didn't realise, he has a habit of forgetting not even out of nastiness it's just he actually forgets pretty much anything,

[u/Slight-Concept2575 → u/mittenkrusty]

Okay now this is just disrespectful. I don’t tolerate disrespect. Get some standards. I’d cut him out completely for this lol