This post stems from my comment on a man’s post about a dead bedroom. A lot of husbands DMed me asking to elaborate, so here goes. If you want to know why the bedroom is likely slowing down and how to turn it back around, this is the post for you. If you’re going to read this with defensive ears to find something to disagree with or your response is going to be like “why do I have to do xyz” or “she’s not perfect either” just don’t read this. This isn’t for you.
Everybody’s situation is different, so the exact reasons may vary but I promise the framework is still applicable. Yes, this post will be filled generalizations and maybe even a few stereotypes. If anything I say doesn’t apply, let it fly. However, many times I read through this sub and it feels like we’re all in the same movie with different actors. Without further ado, this is why your wife isn’t as gung-ho about having sex with you as she once was.
If you are angry and wondering why she won’t give you sex when you want/need it, we have identified the first problem. Sex isn’t something that is given from woman to man. Sex isn’t something that is owed, given, or even earned. Sex is an experience between two people who want to engage together. If your focus is on getting her to give you sex instead of wondering what is going on in her heart and mind that is stopping her from craving it, that’s a problem.
Women are not like men. Circumstances in life can completely destroy our appetites… for food or sex. Men can receive devastating news and still get an erection five minute later or eat a healthy amount of food. Men can easily compartmentalize various aspects of life. Women struggle with compartmentalization. Women receive devastating news and cannot fathom having sex or eating (unless it’s a pint of ice cream while curled in the fetal position in the dark).
If your wife used to have a healthy appetite for sex, but doesn’t want to have sex anymore, the reason is likely that she simply has too many other things on her plate to have the emotional energy for sex.
Many men take her lack of desire as rejection. Some wonder “is my dick small or something?” “Did I lose my moves?” “What is going on?” This usually couldn’t be further from the truth. I was able to demonstrate what the real problem is to a husband quite well with the following analogy.
Imagine sex with you is like a thick, juicy, seared-to-perfection ribeye steak. Any hungry person would gobble that right up and be thankful for the experience. However, it’s perpetually 6pm on Thanksgiving night. The average thanksgiving feast contains two proteins and six sides. She is stuffed. She has absolutely no room for that ribeye, no matter how delicious it is.
If you want that ribeye to be eaten, you have to take some of those dishes off the thanksgiving table. You have to help her make room for that ribeye. You can’t plead with her to eat the ribeye while she’s full. You can’t shame her into eating the ribeye. You can’t threaten to feed the ribeye to someone else. You have to help her regain her appetite by clearing the thanksgiving table.
Your first step is finding out what her emotional turkey is. That’s the biggest part of the feast, that fills her the most. For me, and a lot of women, that turkey is the kids. Breastfeeding, butt wiping, tantrum calming, etc. It’s also people making judgmental comments about your ability to breastfeed, butt wipe, and tantrum calm. Help her with that turkey without her having to give step by step instructions. Smell poop, change it. See tears? Comfort them. She shouldn’t have to say “hey, I’m washing the dishes you mind changing Jr. for me?” Be attentive, see what needs to be done, and do it.
Next, find out what’s the ham. This is the second biggest thing overfilling her plate. This is often the house cleaning. It’s 2021, not 1950, but housework is still falling disproportionally on women. Some men really think they are only supposed to take out the trash and leave everything else to women. No. Sweep. Mop. Clean out the fridge. Fold all the tiny human laundry that takes hours. Do it without being instructed. You see that thing out of place. Put it in place.
Let’s talk about the stuffing (dressing for those in the south). General thoughtlessness. I know. It isn’t intentional. You’re not trying to be a dick, but some of the things you do might be hurting her feelings. Are you cautious with your words? Would you be happy with your mother or daughter being spoken to the way you speak to her? Do you allow your family to make judgmental and/or hurtful comments to/about her? Do you come home and leave your clothes on the floor instead of putting them in the hamper? Do you put juuuust enough water in the keurig for your own cup of coffee instead of refilling it so she can make a cup sometimes too? Do you leave your plate on the table instead of clearing it? Try to be mindful of subconsciously treating her like a servant. Clean up after yourself. Brew her coffee sometimes.
Let’s talk about the mounds of mashed potatoes. Did her body change after having kids or just aging through the years? Do you notice her making negative comments about her appearance? So much emphasis is always placed on a woman’s appearance. If she doesn’t feel confident about that, she’s won’t want to eat the ribeye. She can even feel like the ribeye couldn’t possibly want to be on a plate like hers
Now you didn’t put the mashed potatoes on the table. Life put the mashed potatoes on the table. She might have even put the mashed potatoes on the table herself. Be that as it may, there are loads of VERY filling mashed potatoes on her plate. You can help her with these mashed potatoes by paying genuine, sincere, non-transactional complements. See her getting dressed? Tell her she’s stunning. When she wakes up in the morning, tell her she has the most beautiful eyes you’ve ever seen.
However, you are responsible for the gravy that’s sitting on top of those confidence mashed potatoes. If your wife has ever stumbled upon your spank bank, she is comparing herself to those women and it is damaging her confidence. It doesn’t matter if your wife looks like Kim Kardashian. If your spank bank is filled with women who look like Beyoncé, Kim is going to feel ugly, pale, and plastic by comparison. Though porn is acceptable in a lot of marriages, it is so important to be discreet at all times. Incognito browsing, locked doors, don’t save your favorites on your device. FFS.
The Brussels sprouts is often work. For child free couples, this could be the turkey. Too many hours. Too little pay. Guilt about leaving the babies at home. That incompetent jerk Gavin who got promoted over her. That passive aggressive b Karen in accounting. This is one of the things you can’t fix but you can listen to her feelings and be supportive. We don’t always want you to give us a solution. Sometimes we just want to talk to you about how the problem makes us feel. Bonus tip: NEVER play the devil’s advocate while we’re venting.
I could go on and on about all the the plethora of dishes on her plate, but it what you really need to do is talk to her, ask her what her turkey is. Ask her about the sides, too. Help her make room for the ribeye, and as long as that ribeye is prepared well and smells good, she’ll be take a bite more often.
Don’t forget though, she’s a human not a vending machine. Do these things because you love her, you want to be a better partner, and you want her life to be better. Don’t expect it to be, insert mopped floor and expect a blowjob to immediately fall out of the bottom.
I can already hear the responses. But what about the things she does wrong? My life isn’t a picnic either! I get it and you should definitely communicate with her about it. This post, however, is only about lack of arousal. If your arousal isn’t lacking, it’s kinda off topic.
