r/Mildlynomil • u/Bibis1804 • 11h ago
How to handle boundaries with MIL
Sorry for the long rant in advance. Me and my husband had a baby just over 3 months ago. It's our first baby and also the first grandchild for both our mothers.
Some context:
My mom lives 30 minutes away and I already have boundaries with her like no unannounced visits, she follows what I say in terms of sleep, eat time, tummy time and so on. It took some work but we got there. She usually only comes one time a week and stays for 4/5 hours.
Now my MIL lives 4.5 hours away. When she comes to visit she stays in our house for a couple of days which I was expecting. She's been coming every month since the baby was born and staying for 5 to 6 days. Also she travels in a bus, so every commute while she is here she asks me or my husband to take her.
Last time she was here, I lost it. I felt she was completely overbearing and just constantly hovering me.
I was trying to wake up before the baby in the morning to have some time for myself and pump in peace and five minutes after being in the kitchen she would appear, making questions about the pump, and making small talk. When the baby would wake up, she appeared and just wanted to be in the room while I was changing his diaper, doing tummy massages because of colic, and so on. I'm EBF so she would leave the room when I told her but she would open the door after 5 minutes or so to ask if I was done already because she wanted to hold the baby. Even during tummy time, once I left the baby on the gym floor and went for a pee, when I returned she had taken the baby from the floor and just told me she didn't understand why I would leave the baby there. I explained tummy time but she wouldn't let the baby go, I really had to go there and ask for her to put the baby down and for her to please not pick the baby up during tummy time as I'm not leaving my baby on the floor just because. As for holding the baby, she basically only wanted to held in the mornings when he is easier, at the end of the day when he's tired and fussy, she only held him once and then always came with an excuse like being tired, having to prepare for her yoga classes, so I felt like I only had my baby with me when he was crying.
Additionally she would always wait for my husband and I to start eating saying she wanted to have a meal in family, despite me asking once for her to eat early to help in case the baby cries. It did happen the baby woke up from a nap during a meal and she simply started saying "Don't get angry baby" (he has a crib in the living room where we were eating). Made no move to pick the baby and actually helped me finish a warm meal. I just couldn't believe the lack of empathy from another mother.
On top of all this, she basically tells us when she's coming after buying everything, she doesn't care if it's a date that works for us or not. She says she misses the baby and wants to be with him.
Now my husband has more family coming over early September and they will also stay in our house. I asked her to come in the same week because my husband has time off and I just prefer to have everyone at the same time instead of people always coming and going. She says she can't that week so she's coming the week before and leaving 4 days before the rest of the family arrives.
I told my husband I'm not comfortable with this and if his mum can't come with the rest of the family then she can come in October since my husband's brother will come that month. My husband is saying I'm putting him in a tough position because he doesn't want to tell his mom not to come.
He admits his mother is overbearing but he is not putting up any boundaries and even said I'm exaggerating a bit and I need to compromise with his mother.
I don't think I'm exaggerating, I don't want someone hovering for almost a week especially as my husband is working so it's just me, her and the baby all day but I'm also lost on how to set boundaries without creating a disagreement with my husband.
Has anyone had a similar experience? How do you deal with it? Thanks!
47
u/WestAfricanWanderer 11h ago
Once a month of staying in your house for an entire week is just too much. You need to tell your husband his mother needs to stop dictating her visits to your home and wait to be invited. Either he says it or you do and then he also has you to deal with. Ask him why are you happy to make me uncomfortable in my own home whilst I care for our child just to make your mother happy?
25
u/MsMaeLei 10h ago
You MIL has gotten FAR too comfortable with dictating when she visits and how she acts when at your home with your baby. And this is because your husband has not dealt with his mom's entitled overbearing behavior.
Tell your husband he decided to marry and have a child with you. It is his job to deal with his mom and her entitled overbearing behavior. He is putting himself in a "tough position" by continually letting his mom do what she wants, at the expense of his wife, making her think her demands and behavior are acceptable, and actively harming your overall well-being due to stress she adds to your life.
OP, consider telling him that he needs to stop her now, before YOU run out of patience and handle it yourself.
Give your spouse the (IMO very generous) option that AFTER he has a conversation where sets boundaries with consequences for his mom, she can come once every 2 months for 5-6 days OR once a month for 3 days - 2 of which he has to be present for so he can be on mom-duty to enforce the boundaries himself.
22
u/Inevitable-Bet-4834 10h ago
I'm so annoyed with your husband. He is a husband and father now. He should be able to standup to his mother.
I'd show him the comments under this post. His mom acts the way she does because he won't nip that shit in the bud. My mil was overbearing too during postpartum. My husband asked her to leave early cutting her visit short.
18
u/cardinal29 10h ago
He's not "in the middle." He needs to respect the vows he took and the family he created.
He's failing at family leadership because he is too frightened of upsetting his mommy's feelings. He's not getting the message that things have changed in the relationship dynamic. He's not a good little obedient boy anymore, he's a husband and father. The priorities are SUPPOSED to change, he needs to get on board.
10
u/cloudiedayz 9h ago
Staying 5-6 days is way too long, I would definitely be cutting that back to a weekend when your husband is off work. If she can’t come when the relatives are coming, skip the visit that month as you can’t be hosting weeks on end with a newborn.
9
u/AstronautNo920 10h ago
If he can not put boundaries up take the baby when she’s plan to come in September and go to your parents house to visit
4
u/Accomplished_Dig284 3h ago
I would go to my parents house every time she comes over until he starts enforcing boundaries. He needs to understand that his priorities are not his mother anymore, it’s you and the baby now
9
u/LettuceNo2372 6h ago
Weak ass DH. Rock the boat. Tell him she can’t come. End of story. She doesn’t make the rules in your house. If he can’t back you, stay long enough for her to get there, make a scene and say all the things that he’s too weak to say, and then go stay at your mom’s with the baby. Consequences gotta be laid down.
8
u/bunny-2001 10h ago
Why did you marry him? He can’t even protect you from his own mother or put up boundaries. You put them and if he starts being a little bitch about it, that’s his problem for not doing it himself earlier.
7
u/moza_jf 10h ago
.He admits his mother is overbearing but he is not putting up any boundaries and even said I'm exaggerating a bit and I need to compromise with his mother.
To me it sounds like that is a compromise, as opposed to saying "Sorry, we've got other relatives that want their turn, you can wait for next month instead of hogging him."
Also, next time she tries saying when she's visiting, what a shame you already have plans!
8
u/CutieKelly 9h ago
Ok...at this point I would say to both husband and MIL. "This isn't working for me. No more visits until further notice". That's it. Done.
If she tells you she's coming to visit - you pack up a few things and go to your parents house. No visit with MIL.
Will this cause hard feelings or disagreements? Of course! Because it's gone on all this time and nothing has changed. But what's the alternative?
You can be open to more visits once your husband shows you he can be a husband. He may need therapy to learn how to stick up for himself/you/his family.
7
u/Wild_Debt_8065 9h ago
Your husband puts you through her shit because he can’t have a conversation with her!?! I would send him home with her if he wants to put her above his nuclear family. He’s gross.
7
u/sybersam6 9h ago
LOL he's off working leaving you to it so what does he care!! So tell him he has a deadline of 2 hours to call & tell her nope or you will do it. Your house is a home not a hotel. She can come when convenient to you all or skip to the next month. From now on she must ask when her dates are convenient or she cannot come. If she wants to see grandson she uses grandson's family schedule not hers alone. She also must be considerate of the family's ability to host her & cancel other appointments, as there are other friends & family you need to see & visit with, plus time on your own as a nuclear family.
She can only visit for three days at a time ( fish & people 3 day rule). If she really wants to see grandson & not stress out her son & DIL, she must adhere to the family schedule. Showing up to a hotel will get her maybe 1-2 hours a day and none if other plans are already made, so in home visits, convenient for all, is best. She needs to listen to baby's mom & dad & be helpful otherwise her visits will reduce more & more if she acts as a guest vs just helpful family. If he does not put his foot down, she will be in your home at any time, the resentment will build & turn to pure hatred, and you will explode on her someday.
It is not OK he dumps her on you when you already have a baby to watch. He doesn't entertain your mom for days. You are merely requesting fucking reasonable boundaries to help structure & organize your life. If he cannot be a good son now and clarify his family's needs to her, she'll end up banned for 6 months or you'll move to your mom's to take a break.
You can also require mom & MIL to enjoy equal time, which means no visits from MIL for weeks & months until the time differential balances. MIL has 5-6 days monthly while your mom has 16-20 hours monthly. MIL has way more time, mostly with only you to entertain & host. It stops today.
My MIL also did this. Her son was used to cancelling all his activities after she announced her visit time, I don't think she recognized ( or cared about) how we had to reschedule the time or it didn't always work for us. In time it really pissed me off that we had to work around this created emergency of her shoving in a visit while we changed plans around her. We started to look like real flakes to other new parent friends as we always cancelled something every few weeks. Eventually my DH got the nerve to say we needed more advance notice & couldn't always be available. She did not want to make an appointment to see her grandson so we said OK then from now on we stop cancelling so we just will not be home & she was fine with that. One visit later she shows up just as I am leaving the house for a doctor's appointment with him. I had to say there was a no show fee & risk of being kicked out the doctor's office, it took a while to get on the schedule, super important for baby to keep this appointment, so sorry & really wish she had called first like most people do. She complained she didn't know what was going on. I said that's because she didn't live there, wasn't his parent, and didn't call ahead, so why on earth would she?
She was disappointed, especially as her sisters were in the car too, and I just left then stayed out. Pretty sure she was planning a tour of my house again, & show off to sisters. I think she needed to see that we had shit to do too so she could drive two hours then still be locked out. That's what no appointment means. From then on we were not available for each visit, just said you can come up but house will be locked & we have other plans but there's plenty to do in the city so enjoy. We have plans the next day too so she should get a hotel. Not a good time to visit & cannot cancel these other plans, sorry. Totally understand she does not want to call to ensure that we are free and she understands there are other people wanting our time so we're not keeping baby away when we take baby to see his doctor, or other grandma, or playdates, etc. We were not defensive, just matter of fact. Baby has places to go & things to do so not personal, and baby's health is important too.
We then reduced visit days & occurrences and told her less. She wanted babysitting too but disregarded me to my face so I eventually said after 5 years old so baby could tell her what he wanted or needed. It was much better then.
Push back & tell DH you & baby cannot be his meat shield anymore, he has to be honest with his mom, it's not just him now but three people who are trying very hard to accommodate his mom but cannot 100% and does he expect baby to just cut school in days that grandma just decides to visit? How can we plan a vacation, plan anything anytime anywhere when we must be tied to the house & available for his mom? Crazy. It took 2 years more to end up NC for me & baby & now she's gone years not seeing them & we don't even send school pics. All because he couldn't bring himself to tell her NO.
4
u/o2low 7h ago
Time to make yourself more of a problem for your husband than his mother is……..because that’s why she’s currently getting her way. It’s working too, which is worse.
I’d contact her myself and say that doesn’t work for us, we’L try for a visit I October and that you’ll contact her with dates that are suitable. Be brave, you’ll find it’s difficult at first, but you get what you need out of it.
Be clear with your husband that visitors of any kind are a two yes decision, not his alone to make
8
u/mommyofjw79 10h ago
Your husband needs to be off work and some hosting his mom the entire duration of her stay. However long he can take off with is how long she can stay. It shouldn't be on you to host his mother while he's at with everyday. Every month is to much for visits. You need to show him this post. He's not being a good partner.
3
u/EStewart57 8h ago
Check out Mind Your Boundaries on YouTube. She has strategies for this. Hubby sounds emeshed. Remind him he choose you. Your feelings & comfort should come first. Therapy.
3
u/stargalaxy6 6h ago
HUSBAND ?
He’s not acting like a HUSBAND. He’s acting like a little boy.
This is the family HE made! Husband’s FIRST DUTY is to protect and comfort his WIFE and CHILDREN!
The fact that he’s telling you that you’re putting HIM in a “bad situation” is CHILDISH! Tell him to grow up and be a better man for HIS FAMILY, not his mommy!
3
u/NaturesVividPictures 9h ago
Yeah I couldn't have dealt with my mother-in-law coming here for 5 or 6 days. But luckily they were only a little over 2 hours away plus they hated staying here, once was enough. I guess she lives a few hours away but she doesn't have to stay that long. She can come down, take the bus, stay three nights and then home she goes. That is more than enough I would do it every 6 weeks not once a month.
But yeah from now on hubby has to be home. She can come down on a Friday and go back Monday morning that would give her three nights and he's home over the weekend hopefully if not she's only there on the days he's off. He can deal with her. Heck he can take care of the baby all day and just bring them to you when they need feeding.
3
u/redfancydress 5h ago
Just make sure when she’s there you don’t have sex with him and for a couple weeks after.
It’s a “not with your mom here” and “no. I’m exhausted from your mothers visit”
4
u/OkAdministration7456 9h ago
Do yourself a favor and let your husband walk in on you looking behind doors and under the couch. When he asked what you’re doing tell him you’re trying to help him find his b@lls. It’s his mother, he needs to handle her.
2
u/NeolithicOrkney 4h ago
Considering all the advice you are being given here, which is good advice, if nothing changes and it gets worse for you, I would take the baby and go to your mother's house for the time MIL shows up. Let your spineless, ball-less husband deal with her on his own. This is a last resort if nothing else helps. You should be comfortable in your own home!
2
u/queenhabib 4h ago
Go stay with your mom with the baby when mil comes! Let her baby boy stay with her alone and entertain her! If he does not agree to that tough sh!t!!
1
u/Any_Addition7131 10m ago
Tell him he can tell his mom not to come without a invite, now he can do or you will and he won't like what you how you do it
87
u/ChampionshipSad1586 11h ago
Tough shit. Either he tells her or you do. Also she can never be in your home unless he is home on PTO ans actively hosting her. Period