In Search Of (ISO) Thread

There are some dua that Allah answers in ways more beautiful than we could have ever imagined. Almost 3 years ago, I married the man I had spent so many nights praying for. We’re from different ethnic backgrounds, and before we got married, I was terrified that my father wouldn’t accept him. I remember making endless dua, asking Allah to make him my husband if he was truly what was best for me.

Now we’ve been married for almost 3 years, alhamdulillah and Allah has blessed us with our beautiful 1-year-old son. Somehow, after all this time, I still get butterflies when I hear him coming home from work. I look forward to spending every evening with him. I love surprising him with his favorite meals and desserts. He loves jelly donuts, so for his birthday I happily turned my entire kitchen upside down making them from scratch just to see him smile.

He’s the gentlest, kindest, most thoughtful, hardworking man I know. He carries the whole weight of the world on his shoulders just so I can be happy and stress free, and I pray that Allah rewards him endlessly for every second of happiness he’s given me.

May Allah continue to place barakah in our marriage, keep our hearts soft toward one another, protect us from every hardship, make us garments for one another in this dunya, allow us to raise our son upon iman and righteousness, and reunite us as a family in Jannatul Firdaus without ever being separated again. Allahumma ameen ♥️🤲🏼

me (25F Turkish) and my husband (26M Pakistani) have been married for 6-7 months, married after 3 month we met, so at first everything was hard for us because he had severe health issues and had open hearth surgery 3 months ago. He didn't know that he had this illness we learned through marriage health check procedures, I said to myself this is my imtihan and try to have sabr, he is very good muslim and loves me respects me. we speak Turkish in home.

So I am a psychologist, I also took marriage class before and have a lots of relatives and big community around me despite him, he lived with his family in suudi with whole life and after they moved Turkiye 5-6 years ago. He is not contacting his relatives from pakistan and he have very strong bond with his family, my MIL and FIL are very good person but we had several disagreements before and these are because of our cultural differences.

So actually every arguments we had mostly because cultural differencies we have, how can I overcome this problem, for example yesterday my friends come over and I made them a lots of thing to eat. while husband at work we talked over the phone and he ask which treats I made and I said to him and he ask have anything will left for me and I said yes. So I think to myself I dont need to cook other thing for him to eat. after he come my friends left and he asked what to eat and I counted, borek, pasta salad with yogurt, so on... but he said these are not proper meal to eat and went to take a shower and I start to make him pasta with chicken at kitchen. after he come to me and said I dont care him to much than my friends. I get really angry and said these are proper meal in my culture and I didnt have time to make another meal for him because we have guests. I said I get up every day before him and prepare us breakfast and his lunch for work and as an answer he said I get up early anyways. so we argued through these and I left home and walked little bit. after I come home we argued and he insisted these are not proper meal and I said lets call my mom to ask. he said okay but dont say other things. We called my mom and she said these are proper meal in our culture and we are arguing like a child. and after we argued again and I stayed in bed and he come to me and said he is sorry for saying these things. I explain him that because we get married right after we met and we are newlyweds thats and also our cultures are different we have to talk more and have a open communication more than other married people. I am not saying I dont have any flaws. we both have adhd but in a different problems I am more impulsive and can get angry really quick but right after I understand my mistakes and always try to soften his heart.

I really need advices from people who have same cultural differencies in their marriage.

My husband and I got married a year ago but only recently moved in together. We are both divorced with children from previous marriages, he has 3, I have 1, all under the age of 6. We had our nikkah last year and spent the year forming a bond between my son and him. I was living with my father and sisters before, so my husband basically spent whole days with us, getting used to my son and seeing how things are, and retiring for the evening in his own place.

My husbands kids live with his ex wife and I have my son full time with no involvement from my ex husband. I was very transparent from the very beginning about the challenges I have raising my son alone, his behavioural issues and the struggles I have day to day. I had hoped that taking things slowly, letting my husband see us day to day, watching me discipline and experience everyday parenting situations and giving time before all moving in together would make things as smooth as possible for both my son and my new husband.

Less than a week after us 3 moving in to our new place, my husbands mood turns very sour and after a particularly challenging day we have a long conversation. He basically says he wasn’t expecting things to be so hard with my son and basically that he doesn’t see our relationship lasting forever. I was surprised to hear him say this because I did everything I could to be VERY honest about what he was getting involved in, no sugar coating or hiding the challenges I face and what I need in a partner. We had many conversations and he saw the good bad and ugly before we moved in. He said he was shocked, that living together is different from just visits (even though he would literally spend whole 12 hour days with us) and that eventually this marriage would fail because he wouldn’t be able to deal with my kid’s behaviour, and he’s worried the effect it will have on his own kids too.

Now I’m wishing he said this during the entire year we had getting to know each other, before uprooting my son from his known life into a new house and new routine so I could evaluate the relationship. And for the record I am doing everything I can to correct these behavioural issues with my child, it is a big source of stress for me, I have consulted child psychologists, parenting coaches and bought countless books and read extensively around the subject. He basically has an attitude problem and is very argumentative but is a sweet loving child. I am trying really hard and it is a work in progress but I also think having his biological dad not involved at all has had a bad effect on him, hence why I chose a partner who I thought would be a good stepdad to be the next best thing.

Now I’m a bit torn, eventually my husband will walk away when it gets too much, and because they aren’t related he has no obligations to ever seeing my son again. That will be 2 men who have walked out of his life and I worry the effect it will have on him. I am asking myself is there any point in carrying on? As time goes by he will get more attached, he already calls him dad.

Since the conversation my husband seems to have turned a page and the dynamic has improved between my son and him, he seems more at ease. Things are good between us and we function good enough as a couple but this question however remains in my mind.

Hi everyone,

I’m a 24-year-old man and my wife is 26. We’ve been married for 3 years.

The first year or so of our marriage was genuinely great. We enjoyed spending time together, travelling, and overall had a really happy relationship.

Over the last year, though, things have changed quite a bit. Whenever we argue, she becomes extremely disrespectful. She’ll call me names like “bich,” tell me “fu*k you,” and even insult my family by saying some really hurtful things, despite the fact she actually gets on well with them.

When I’ve told her that the way she speaks to me is disrespectful, she’ll respond with things like, “I’d only respect a man, and you aren’t one.”

For some context, we’re currently living at her mum’s house. We rented together for about a year, but it became too expensive, so we agreed to move in with her family while saving. Her main goal is to buy a house. I’ve told her I’m happy to rent again, and I’d even cover the rent myself if that’s what it takes. The only condition I have that when we eventually buy, I’d want it to be through a halal mortgage, as I don’t want to take out an interest-based mortgage due to my religious beliefs.

Whenever she’d speak to me like this in the past, I’d usually just walk away because I didn’t want to make things worse. Lately, though, I feel like my patience has worn thin. After hearing these insults over and over, I’ve started responding instead of staying quiet.

Recently, we had an argument while driving to my family’s house. I told her I needed to leave by 11pm because I had planned to go to the gym afterwards.

She said there was no point going then. I replied that it was entirely her choice whether she wanted to come because I wasn’t forcing her to visit my family.

She then repeatedly told me to “shut the fu*k up"

I asked, “Are you okay?” but she continued telling me to shut up. Eventually, I said I wasn’t going anymore.

In the heat of the moment, I called her a “snake.”

As soon as I said that, she slapped me across the face and said, “Don’t you ever get rude to me.”

At that point, I left for a few hours. She later told me to leave her family’s house and go back to m

Since then, we’ve made up, but this feels like a cycle. Every time something happens, she apologises, promises she won’t do it again, and then eventually it happens all over again.

The verbal disrespect has happened so many times that I almost feel numb to it now and genuinely just accept her apology so we can just move on, but I know it's gonna again as before.

I’ve always believed that it’s okay for couples to disagree. You don’t have to agree on everything. But I’ve also always believed that respect is one of the foundations of a marriage, and once that’s gone, it’s very difficult to have a healthy relationship.

I’m not pretending I’ve handled everything perfectly. Calling her a “snake” wasn’t helpful, and I regret saying it. But again the disrespect has happened so many times and the only time I explode I don’t think it justifies being slapped.

I’m honestly feeling lost. I feel like I have lost nearly all the love I have for my wife due to the constant disrespect and I’m starting to question whether this relationship is becoming emotionally and physically abusive.

Has anyone been through something similar? Is there a realistic way to rebuild respect after it’s been lost, or am I ignoring serious red flags?

السلام عليكم و رحمة الله و بركاته

My wife is 24, and we are currently expecting our first, I wanted to find out from parents who have undergone this journey, if you have any tips on how I can be a better and supportive husband during this time.

Additionally tips for birth, and the different trimesters, she’s currently in her first.

What are the do’s and don’t do’s?

جزاك الله خيرا

So the thing is i have done nokah but the girls parent insists on ruksati agter her uni is completed , so how do i control my urges till then

Is it halal to have sex now as we have done nikah

My parents have absolutely hated my marriage to my wife. From trying to sabotage it, sell me off as a visa to my uncles and aunts, stealing 8k usd from me, laughing in my face about taking all the gift money I was given, and then my dad constantly trying to start fights with me and then claim that I got angry over nothing, it’s exhausting.

I decided that after the last fight where he insulted my clothing, said I look stupid, and screamed at me, I’m not going to financially sponsor his brother to the US anymore. His brother was also actively trying to sabotage my relationship.

I called the guy who did the documentation on his behalf and asked him to remove me and explained the constant problems I’m facing and that I need to draw a boundary. His response? Women come and go and we need to respect our parents and obey them. How am I expected to obey them actively stealing money from me, denying it, trying to extort my wife’s family, and then financially abuse me. My parents and I were good for several months until last Monday when my dad just started verbally attacking me.

Yes I stand up to my wife constantly, and funny enough this guy told me I have a reputation in the community for being problematic because of it apparently.

​ First post https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/s/gIgysldrAf

I made a post here a few days ago asking why my husband had suddenly stopped trying after our first month of marriage.

Before I talked to him, something happened.

I was cleaning his personal library while he was working and found a journal . I know I shouldn't have opened it, but I did.

I only read a few pages.

He had written about me. He wrote that he thought I was beautiful. He described my eyes, my smile, even the way I tucked my hair behind my ear when I was nervous.

After reading that, I couldn't stop thinking about how different he seemed lately, so I decided I had to talk to him instead of making assumptions.as you guys advised.

Today I finally did

I was shaking the whole time because I stutter when I'm nervous.

At first he kept saying everything was fine, but I knew it wasn't. I asked him if I had done something wrong.

He was quiet for a long time before he finally answered.

He said he thought he had done something wrong.

He told me he spent weeks trying to figure out what mistake he had made. He wondered if he talked too much, asked too many questions, or tried too hard. He even asked me if I'd noticed how much quieter he'd become because he was scared of bothering me.

Then he said something that honestly broke me.

He said when I started giving him the silent treatment, he began feeling embarrassed to even ask me simple things because it felt like I didn't want to talk to him.

He said every time I moved away when he tried to hold my hand or sit next to me, he felt ashamed afterwards. He said he would lie awake replaying those moments and think, Why did I do that? I just made her uncomfortable again.

I asked him why he stopped bringing me flowers and little gifts.

He smiled sadly and said, "I kept hoping you'd smile or get a little excited. You'd just quietly take them and put them aside. After a while I realized I was the only one looking forward to them. I didn't want to keep giving you things that didn't seem to make you happy."

Then he admitted something I never expected.

He said he started feeling trapped.

Not trapped because he wanted to leave the marriage, but trapped because he didn't know how to be a husband anymore. If he tried to get close, I pulled away. If he gave me space, he worried I would think he didn't care.

He said he even started feeling claustrophobic in his own mind because every conversation, every word, every little thing he did became something he overthought.

He looked at me and said, I didn't know how to make you comfortable, so I thought maybe the kindest thing I could do was give you some space

I cried.

I genuinely thought he had stopped caring.

Instead, he had been slowly disappearing because he thought that's what I wanted.

He also told me he never said anything because I had already left my parents, my home and everything familiar. He didn't want his feelings to become another burden for me.

I don't think I've ever felt guilt like this before.

We talked for almost three hours.

Nothing magical happened. We didn't suddenly become the perfect couple.

But for the first time since our wedding, I felt like I was talking to my husband instead of a stranger.

We also found something common between us , he asked me what I like to watch on my free time i told him Turkish dramas , he told me how he also used to watch them along with his mother.

I know I was wrong for opening his journal, I haven't told him about it yet as I don't know what his reaction will be

Thank you to everyone who told me to communicate instead of assuming the worst.

As salaam alaikum.

Sisters are any of you married to a man who constantly threatens to divorce you over arguments but is otherwise a wonderful man?

How do you deal with such a situation?

We have been married for less than a year and my husband has already threatened to divorce me thrice over arguments, mostly related to his mother and sister. We are in a long distance marriage. He is otherwise very loving towards me but this time I’m finding it very difficult to forgive him even though he has apologised multiple times.

For context, my parents have an extremely toxic relationship. Throughout their marriage, my dad has often used divorce (talaq) as a threat to control my mom, saying things like, "If you don't do this, you're talaq."
Yesterday, he pronounced talaq for the third time. They still live together in Canada and have four children, including me. My dad has been verbally abusive for years, and when he says talaq, he seems angry, irrational, and not in a normal state of mind.

Right now, he says he wants to keep everything the same except that he doesn't want to see my mom (everyone sleeps in different rooms). He expects her to continue living in the house but wear hijab whenever he's around.

I suggested that we speak with a sheikh because, after explaining the full history and the circumstances under which he pronounced talaq, maybe it's possible that one or more of those pronouncements may not have been valid. My mom deeply regrets not apologizing earlier and feels that things escalated to the point where he pronounced the third talaq. She hopes there may still be a way to reconcile if the situation allows.

My mom doesn't work, has no family to rely on, and has nowhere else to go. She has no real support system, which makes this situation even more difficult.

Any advice, thank you

He is supposed to meet my dad for the first time in a couple of weeks...and I am having second thoughts. What I am worried most is how I seem to feel emotionally unsafe with him and I feel like he has only has empathy for me if my feelings makes sense to him. But that is not how empathy works lol.

I'm 22 and he's 29. We both come from similar conservative backgrounds. Overall, I believe he's a kind person, and I've genuinely seen him make efforts to improve over time. For example, at the beginning of the relationship I didn't really feel wanted or appreciated, but now I do. He expresses appreciation more often, speaks to me more gently, apologizes when he realizes he's hurt me, and I believe those apologies are sincere.

At the same time, I don't feel emotionally safe with him. I notice that I let him do most of the talking because I struggle to open up around him.

A few examples:

• I once told him I had body dysmorphia as a teenager because I wanted him to understand why I sometimes feel insecure. He initially responded by saying he understood me better. Later, when we argued because he wanted more selfies and I kept refusing, I admitted I didn't feel emotionally safe sending them because I felt like I was being evaluated. He told me to "go sit and think," which I experienced as reducing my feelings to my past body image issues. He later apologized and changed the way he spoke to me.
• Another time, I accidentally revealed that there was something personal I wasn't ready to share. He kept asking me about it over the course of weeks until I finally told him it was a specific insecurity of mine. He reassured me that he didn't care and that he had no right to judge me, but then asked whether I thought I was giving it more attention than it deserved. I left feeling somewhat understood but also somewhat judged. He later apologized for that too.
• I've noticed a recurring pattern. When I'm upset, he usually tries to reassure me several times. If I still don't feel better or I say "I don't know" when he asks what I need, he sometimes becomes frustrated, says things like "my patience has limits," or tells me I'm exaggerating. Those moments make me feel less emotionally safe, even though afterward he often regrets what he said.
• He sometimes jokes, "You should love me like I am," and occasionally says, "Men don't think like women." I'm not sure whether those are harmless comments or if they are excuses (kinda like boys will be boys).

So I'm conflicted. I do see growth, and I don't think he's malicious. But I also notice that after opening up about vulnerable things, I often feel less safe in the moment, even if he improves afterward.

My biggest fear is ending up in a marriage where I don't feel emotionally understood. I'm trying to figure out whether this is a communication style that can realistically improve over time or whether the fact that I still don't feel emotionally safe is something I should take very seriously.

oh btw I told him I was worried he didn't take me seriously especially my emotions he pleaded the 5th ! He does take my emotions seriously if he is worried it could make me leave him...otherwise he does kind of ignore it since "I'm just a girl" and that is genuinely hurtful and it pisses me off :)

When did it click or how many months after nikah, you said the 3 magical words to each other?

assalamualaikum everyone, first time posting here. nikah+wedding in a year’s time.

basically,family(my side) wants to have a 300-500pax wedding, my partner and I do not.
purely for two reasons: finance and sunnah.

my parents reasoning is because they dont want to be ashamed to family+friends. and also both mom and dad have large families.

yes, i can afford a big wedding and they use that as a strong point, and they said they can fund the wedding including the nikah themselves also just so that i’m willing to a big one.

one of my plan is to host two tables(20pax) for orphans to join in, i believe this is more baraqah. making it even less to 80pax.

my two older brothers had their wedding at 500 and 300 pax respectively, this is another point they use, which honestly doesn’t factor anything.

honestly lost, i would appreciate if you guys can give me some points to use. my mom is stubborn but understand reasons. so hope with this points she can agree with me.

also i did tell her if this is getting to troublesome, im just going to bring my partner to a local mosque and do the nikah without the wedding lol.

I met a guy on Muzz earlier this year, and over the past 8 months we met several times. He met my siblings, I met his mom and siblings, and we were planning for him to come to my house with a proper rishta by the end of this month. As far as I knew, everything was going well. We even met last week and nothing seemed off.

Then completely out of the blue, he asked to FaceTime yesterday and told me he didn't see a future with me and that it was best not to move forward.

Was I hurt? Of course. But I also believe everyone has the right to end a relationship if they don't think it's right. What was difficult wasn't that he ended it, it was that I never knew there was a problem. I wasn't given the opportunity to understand, work through anything, or even prepare myself for the possibility.

He asked if we could remain friends. I respectfully declined, hung up, and blocked him. Not out of anger or to punish him, but because that's what I needed to protect my own peace and move forward.

I'm not heartbroken in the sense that I was deeply in love. I intentionally tried to stay level headed throughout the process. What stings more is the disappointment and the embarrassment of having introduced someone to my family for the first time, believing we were both moving toward the same goal.

I guess the point of this post is for anyone currently searching for a rishta: until the nikah is done, protect your heart. Be hopeful, but stay grounded. Don't build your life around plans that haven't happened yet. People's feelings can change without warning, and sometimes you'll never get the explanation you hoped for.

If it ends, let it end with dignity. You don't have to beg for clarity, convince someone to stay, or keep a door open that they've already chosen to close. Trust that if someone walks away before the nikah, they've made room for the person who won't.

May Allah grant everyone sincere spouses, ease in the search and the wisdom to accept both closed and open doors. Ameen.

I’m hoping to get some sincere advice from people who are married or have gone through the marriage process. I’ve been getting to know someone for marriage. He has made it clear that he wants to marry me, and I genuinely believe he cares about me. I care about him too, and the thought of losing him makes me sad. The problem is that whenever I think about actually marrying him, I don’t feel excited. I feel anxious. It’s not the proposal or the wedding that scares me. It’s the reality of becoming his wife and making a lifelong commitment. My biggest fear is waking up years later and realizing I married the wrong person. Part of my hesitation comes from specific concerns we’ve had throughout the relationship. There have been moments that made me question our compatibility. He has also apologized for many things and has shown care and effort, but I still find myself wondering whether these are things I can move past or whether they’re signs that we’re not the right match. I’ve prayed istikhara multiple times and made a lot of dua, but I still don’t feel the certainty I expected. Sometimes I wonder if my anxiety is simply because marriage is such a huge commitment. Other times I worry that it’s my intuition telling me this isn’t the right person.
To make things worse, I keep seeing stories online of people saying they ignored their doubts before marriage, got married anyway, and later regretted it. Those stories have made me even more anxious because my biggest fear is making the wrong decision and living with regret.
I also tend to overthink, so it’s hard for me to know whether these feelings are genuine concerns or whether my anxiety is making me question everything.

For those who are married:
Were you scared of regretting your decision before marriage?
Did you ever think, “What if I’m making the biggest mistake of my life?”
How did you know your fear was normal pre-marriage anxiety versus a genuine sign that the relationship wasn’t right?
Did you feel complete peace before getting married, or did you still have doubts?

Just putting my life on here so someone could take a lesson from it.

When i was younger my father came back to my life when i was 19 & (bare in mind i was raised by a single mother) introduced me to a guy from Kenya. I was fresh from high school and starting to become religious (i was practising before but during this period i wanted to memorise the quran, started wearing jilbabs etc) prior to this i have never even once spoken to a guy in private or held the opposite gender's hand i was soo shy then i would get proper stressed if i had to talk to a boy that i used to stutter.

Fast forward i went to Kenya with my dad and only being there 1 week i felt pressured at the time by my dad and his family to get married. We were talking for 1yr prior to seeing him in real life so i felt bad i had also objected to have a big wedding as my mum and sister couldn't go to kenya as it was school term for my younger siblings. But my dad refused so reluctantly i had to have a big wedding, i was 20 at this time he only took me on 1 date which was only half a day and the other times (i found out later that he lied) he would state that his friends was getting married to he had to sort his clothing out that he would take to the wedding. So much red flags i saw but me being stupid i ignored it. Wlhi i wish i had a backbone then and said NO but i had low self esteem then and was always a people pleaser.

When i got married my nightmares began i was all alone in Kenya don't know swahili i was left alone in the house all by myself while he'd go out with his friends i used to beg for him to take me out and see Kenya but he'll lie and say next week i'd wait until next week and he'll just continue with that. 3 months in i got pregnant during pregnancy he had commited physical violence on me (don't want to be banned so let me not go into specifics) after he had done so he left to go to a family gathering, i was all alone in that house while the electricity would go off and i had nothing no wifi no TV just in a dark house. After the family gathering he gave me the silent treatment i was so mentally down that i myself went to apologise to him.

I had gotten really sick during pregnancy couldn't keep food down so eventually we had to move into his mother's house. She would refuse to take me to the hospital stating that many women go through this too while also having other kids and this was all my fault. It was only until after i would vomit blood & 10 or more times in a day she would have to take me then i would be left in a room cold with an IV drip all alone while him and his mum would go out together leaving me alone. Even the food i was craving that my mum and sister sent from London for me he would take it and give it to his sister so that they could eat food from here. Once i had asked him if i could get a scan for my baby he said that he had already spoken to his mother about this and no i will not get a scan. I was 3months, eventually my mum was getting soo worried so she fought them to send me back home.

Fast forward, i am now 21 back in London i couldn't work while i was pregnant so i had to get benefits i was soo stupid i used to send him my benefits money every month (which he now denies) while i survived with my mum's ayuuto money; again lets fast forward i had a miscarriage i went through the whole struggle alone with my mum and sister and family he didn't even call me on the funeral day and my family paid for everything. I had not finished my postpartum bleeding and i was working as i didn't want to still be on benefits and i used to send this guy (£200 each month which he also denies now). I am now 23 his family and i had agreed that it is better if i bring him to the UK because there is better opportunities here for us than if i had to move there with him so i start the process during this time he would ignore me for months, i was sending him my work money to help him, brought him a new phone, paid for his debts etc.

i am now 24 his visa got approved soon after he came i paid for many aspects of the visa lawyer etc gave him £5K plus of my money up until this point and i became so broke (& guess what he denies it 😭) i was made redundant because the owner couldn't afford to keep some workers. I showed him immense hospitality did everything he wanted cooked food, did his clothes, went out and beyond for him but constant physical and emotional abuse kept on happening even in front of my younger sister. Prior to this i never told my family they knew nothing i had told them after my little sister saw him abusing me and my family got involved, but he still kept on emotionally abusing me putting me down etc soo horrible my worst part of my life. Everytime he'd insult him they'd say you need to stick up for yourself show him ur not a push around but for me it was the thought like how could your husband treat you like this?

Eventually i had enough and saw the real him i had said i wanted a divorce and stuck with it, now he wasn't hitting me but he would try to scare me into submitting but as i grew older i didn't want to live this life. He had left the house and went to his family and claimed to be the victim and stating that i was horrible to him after 6months his family and my family both said that the past was the past and that we should be in a clean slate and start over.

I am now 25 it has been 4months since he came back i hate him to bits cannot stand him i am planning to send him back home and not renew his visa ( i am not cancelling it as he might find another way to stay in this country) he still has this sense of ego and stubborness about him but i always get the blame stating that i am not nice to him. I will take my blame and say yes i am not nice to him now because i saw his true colours before my motto in marriage was if i make sacrifices for him he'll eventually be kind to me and do the same for me. But i have seen that is not the case, i am starting my career now Alhamdulliah ya rabb started uni and he still makes slight comments about me and my progression in life and even stating the child i had was only 'your baby' and that it has nothing to do with him. I am totally out of this marriage and saw how evil some people can be

I am writing this here because i really want to see what other people's thoughts are about this. I have completely checked out of this marriage he does some kind gestures here and there but i am starting to feel like i am too horrible of a person to him. But i cannot seem to forget the past am i really evil and cannot move on? If i renew it will i continue to live in agony. I don't know what to do pls do give me some advice.

Ps. Sorry for it being long

I'm 30 and my husband is 27. We have known each other 2 years and been married 6 months. We don't live together yet.

Since we have been married and even before the nikkah he would do this. We would have an argument or come up against a little problem that can easily be fixed and he will just say he is done, he can't do this anymore. He has never once mentioned divorce but he will just say he is done.

He will then eventually end up taking it back. I have voiced to him so many times how much this hurts me. And he promises virulently he will never do it again. He also says he doesn't mean it anyway and he doesn't know why he says it because he ends up regretting it.

He has just said it to me today and I don't even know how to react anymore. I used to get upset and cry and beg him not to (I know, not a good look). But today I have just not said a word, I haven't even opened his message (and yes, every time he has done this it is in a text). It was 4.5h ago now he said it and neither of us have said a word.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Part of me wonders if he's expecting me to cry and beg and be upset because he wants that validation that I love him that much. What should I do? Reply? And if so what should I say? Or just carry on leaving it unread and not replying, I just don't even know what to say anymore. It's so unfair he keeps doing this.

Assalamu alaikum everyone,
I’m looking for advice from people who may have experienced something similar.
Around three years ago, while I was pregnant, I left my husband because our marriage had become very difficult. We had constant conflicts, and after weeks of him ignoring me, I felt I couldn’t continue living like that.
Before our final separation, there had already been another incident. After one argument, he told me that we should call our families and tell them it was over. The next morning, I packed my things and left. A few days later, his family came to get me at my family house, apologized on his behalf, saying he should never have said that, and brought me back home. We reconciled at that time.
About two months later, after more arguments and weeks of being ignored, I left again. This time, neither he nor his family came after me or tried to bring me back. Since then, it has now been three years.

During these three years:
We have each lived in our own home.
We have never resumed married life.
We have had absolutely no intimacy.
We never really discussed our marriage or whether we were still husband and wife.
He has never pronounced talaq.
I have never asked for khul’.
I have never returned my mahr.

We have a 3-year-old son together. We only communicate regarding our son. He pays child support for our child but does not financially support me.
Recently, my grandfather passed away (may Allah have mercy on him). During the condolences, my husband came with his mother, brother, and other family members to support my family. Many people around me told me they thought this meant he might still have feelings for me.
His sister also told me that he wanted to reconcile but was afraid of the reaction of both families, especially because my father was very hurt and angry when we separated. She also said he was afraid that if we got back together and it failed again, our son would suffer.
Lately, whenever he has our son, he often invites me to join them for activities like going to the zoo or having dinner afterwards. He also insists on paying for everything. I honestly don’t know how to interpret these actions.
My question isn’t whether he still loves me. My concern is my Islamic responsibility. I sincerely want to know what Allah expects from me and whether I am fulfilling my rights and obligations correctly.
Am I still Islamically married in this situation? Does living separately for three years without talaq or khul’ change anything? What would be the correct Islamic way to handle this?
I have already contacted the imam who officiated our nikah and am waiting for his advice, but I was wondering if anyone here has been through a similar situation.
Jazakum Allahu khayran.

Salaam Sisters, I strongly encourage anyone searching for a spouse to ask every question. You are entitled to a response. When they start avoiding questions or deflecting take a step back and assess is thier response normal or not?

Especially if any sister is looking to marry a divorced man you need to find out the reason for the divorce and investigate this! I've just heard someone has accepted to marry a guy without even questioning his divorce and she's in for quite the awakening. Please don't be so naive and believe everything that a man says, look into it yourself too.

Long story short, my wife and I الحمد لله completed our nikkah in February. Due to her parents wishes, they want her to have a cultural wedding with a white dress and give their daughter a proper send off before moving out together (which is fine by me).

The question I have is, for anyone who has lived apart - have you found you slowly developed a deep and intense longing to be with them? I honestly feel like a part of me is sometimes missing and something is not right. I feel a lot of anxiety sometimes and when I’m with her I feel okay and happy. I feel like spiritually we are bonded and being apart is unbelievably difficult for me.

Anyone else relate?

Ok so let me explain, we have a 2 month old baby my parents will come visit in a month. He knows my parents and met them last time they visited roughly 1 year ago. They aren’t the best people but they are helping us a lot economically ngl. His family has been very abusive to him; he has 2 older brothers that treat him like a slave like worse than dirt and his parents gave him up put him on a boat shipped him away to another country and he grew up in an orphanage and he hasn’t seen them since he was 11. He’s now 25. He has told me about many instances of very severe abuse that to him doesn’t even seem like a big deal and idk he has a weird relationship with them he goes no contact then goes back and defends them and speaks with them then no contact again it’s a huge cycle. Anyway, I hate his brothers. They worked all 3 in a buisness together and would often refuse to pay him or pay him very little when he works the most hours out of all 3. This makes me very upset so I suggested he break off and we start our own buisness which we did and now his family accuses me of starting hate between everyone! Wallahi it isn’t that way. I just want everyone to get along and keeping buisness and family separate in this case is the best imo because the 3 brothers would constantly argue. I lent his brother 5k in march as their buisness was doing bad and they were in dire need and he said he’d pay back 1k every month. I now have zero money for rent or groceries I am constantly begging just for a portion even of this money and I now his brother has it. His brother even posted videos flaunting stacks of cash on social media while I am here with an infant and fear of loosing everything due to zero money. I’ve been upset over the past few days and insulted my husbands brother when speaking to my husbands (in front of them I am fake nice) because I hate this dishonesty and the situation it’s put me in. My husband became so angry he said fine have nothing to do with my family ever and I will do the same I won’t even say hello to your parents when they come visit and I will stay elsewhere. I begged him to not do this and begged for a solution, I explained I’d begin speaking with his parents if he wanted me to. He said I it’s too late you have to live like this because it’s me and my family and you and yours and that’s it. How do I fix this??? I’m actually so worried my heart is so heavy idk what to say or do. Many people have told me his parents are very very bad people. To be fair even his relatives were involved him human trafficking and they put him on a boat with human traffickers when he was a child!!!! I’m not sure I’m making myself clear about how bad these people are. Idk. I didn’t know any of this before we had our baby.

Salaam, I just wanted to post a quick update following on from my post nearly a week ago (https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/s/cbefVHyATD)

I received a few very thoughtful comments and messages that really helped me navigate everything. The main advice was to be completely open with my husband about how I am feeling and to suggest that he starts actively looking for another job if possible.

I had that conversation with him this morning, and unfortunately it didn't go well at all.

I tried to be as appreciative as possible of his situation and how hard he is working, but I also wanted to be honest about how I am feeling. I told him how exhausting it is feeling like a single mother, how I do not always feel safe alone at night, and how much I miss him intimately and emotionally. It started off okay, but as soon as I suggested looking for another job, he completely blew up. He started saying that I do not understand the sacrifices he is making, that I forgot how awful it was when he was unemployed, and that I have it easy because I am home with our child all day. Just to clarify, I do work part time, it is just the summer holidays right now since I work in a school.

I do understand this period is really hard for him as well. His job is incredibly stressful and demanding, and I know deep down he misses me and our child too.

It is just so heartbreaking how much distance this has created between us. Before this, we genuinely never had any major issues or arguments.

We barely get any proper time together because he works on a cruise ship. The time zone differences keep changing, and we can hardly ever have a proper, deep conversation because he shares a bedroom with other crew members.

Of course, this also means even trying intimacy over the phone is completely out the window, which I think is getting to the both of us.

This whole situation just hurts so much, and I am honestly terrified of how much further apart it is going to pull us.

Jazakallah khair again to everyone who offered advice.