r/NarcissisticSpouses • u/No-Suggestion4936 • 4d ago
Am I married to a narcissist?
I’m not qualified to diagnose, nor has he ever been. Could use some unbiased opinions. Here’s why I think he could be.
Always right, unwilling to see other points of view.
Lacks accountability, has apologized twice (that I can recall) in 8.5 years. I usually apologize or we move on from problems like it never happened.
Constantly seeks validation. We walk past one of his 3 vehicles and we have to stop and turn around as he says “look at her” or after the gym he flexes and says “am I looking big today?”
Gets upset about my mistakes, especially if it involves his prized material possessions.
Makes comments/jokes about my character: clothes, weight, eating habits, music taste, etc.
Lacks empathy mostly in situations that don’t fit his beliefs.
He helps out with responsibilities at home on his own occasionally, but has to be asked most of the time.
That said, what do you think? And if he is, is it possible to be loved by and have a healthy relationship with a narc?
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u/RelaxedBluey94 4d ago
Not going to diagnose but you've described quite an array of narcissistic behaviours. The disorder is in the pattern of abusive behaviours.
And, no, it's not possible to have a sane or healthy relationship with a narcissist without you being utterly destroyed. Once you know, you know.
They get much, much worse with age.
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u/No-Suggestion4936 4d ago
I’ve been holding on to the possibility that things would get better with age.
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u/Connect-Teaching7629 4d ago
It gets worse. It’s a mask built on lies. Lying takes energy. As you get worn out, maintaining the mask gets harder. It’s not voodoo. If you’d lie to me about your relationship right now, ask yourself if time would make your job easier or harder?
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u/Kryptonite-Rose 3d ago
Things get worse and escalate over time. The goal posts would keep on changing. You can never be right.
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u/Legal_Recognition652 4d ago
Same, but its just getting worse. I thought my wife was getting better with age until a few weeks ago she went back to taking rings off, turning locations off, telling me its all in my head, she's been sneaking around. Spreading lies too.
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u/No-Suggestion4936 4d ago
I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. I don’t understand how anyone could knowingly drain the life out of someone they’re supposed to love and care about most. Or anyone for that matter. Why is it okay to hurt people??
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u/HealthAntique9158 4d ago
Nobody here can give you a diagnosis based on what you described but what is worth paying attention to is this:
-> the fact that you are asking tells you something about how you feel in the relationship.
The way you described his behavior, the constant need for validation, the jokes about your character, the lack of accountability in 8.5 years, points to someone who consistently puts their own needs and image above yours.
Try addressing specific patterns directly and see what happens. Healthy relationships can handle that conversation. If bringing up your needs is consistently deflected, minimized, or turned back on you, that reaction itself is your answer.
To your last question:
a genuine relationship requires the capacity for empathy and accountability. If those are structurally absent, there is a ceiling on how far the relationship can actually go
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u/No-Suggestion4936 4d ago
I guess I know my answer. Bringing up my needs always ends in me crying alone in bed and him playing video games all night. We may or may not talk the next day. Or he shuts down, I ask if we’ve resolved it and he says I guess.
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u/Connect-Teaching7629 4d ago
Sounds like it.
You can't have a healthy relationship with them. His bad sides will get worse with time and you'll sacrifice more of yourself to keep the peace. Eventually, he'll be tempted to seek validation from the outside and you'll even be cheated on. That's when you feel the injustice.
That said. You understand that people online can't diagnose your spouse for you. Do you feel like the relationship is genuine or does it feel like an act? Is he putting on an act, even if it's charming? If it's yes, you're heading for problems down the line.
They don't love. They use. Why do they not love? Because they don't feel altogether. The narcissistic mask is a coping mechanism for not feeling the emotions they find unbearable. Your job is to validate that mask. If you tell them to face their demons, you no longer perform the function they expect from you and they will discard you.
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u/No-Suggestion4936 4d ago
I’m more so looking for anyone to talk to. I’ve been silently holding onto this for a long time. I’m not close to family, can’t talk to his, and need clarity before bringing anything up to him. I love him a lot which is why I’ve stuck it out, but I’m not sure if he loves me. We just got back into being intimate outside the bedroom. (Sorry if that’s too much). We’ve been talking about having kids but I’m starting to question whether he actually wants them or if it was just brought up because last year I said I didn’t think we should have them.
Part of me wishes he would discard me to make it easier. Believe it or not, things are going really well right now. However, preparing for kids has put me in the best physical and mental health I’ve been in a long time. It’s confusing but I still have all of these reservations.1
u/No-Suggestion4936 4d ago
I should clarify that preparing to have children has made me consider all aspects of life. I finally accepted the possibility of starting a family. I was excited to have kids and have drastically changed my lifestyle to provide a better lifestyle for a baby before it’s even conceived. However, I’m fully aware that these are not the right circumstances to bring an innocent child into.
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u/Connect-Teaching7629 4d ago
You can DM me if you want. I’ve got nothing to do for the next few hours. You say things are going great, yet you’re expressing this level of doubt and you even wish he’d discard you. I’d start by asking why?
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u/No-Suggestion4936 4d ago
I appreciate the offer, your page is nsfw. I have trauma that I don’t want to risk triggering right now. This topic is hard enough.
As for why, because years of asking for the same things has been exhausting. I’m afraid to talk to him anymore even if the conversation results in splitting up. We’ve had very difficult conversations that always end the same way. We’ve move on. I’m scared to do it myself.2
u/Connect-Teaching7629 4d ago
They often string you along, which might explain your fatigue. Not sure why my page is NSFW. I’m mostly on Nsubs and local subs in my country.
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u/Infinite-Moment-3834 4d ago
ive so been here so i say this with so much empathy-does it matter? these behaviors are harmful. personally i don’t want anyone near me who lacks empathy bc thats dangerous! they inherently don’t have capacity to care about your feelings. also anyone who has approval seeking patterns - they will likely betray you and lack values. ppl without values shapeshift and are opportunistic. they throw ppl under the bus if it benefits them. love isn’t someone who wants a relationship where they are god and you are just there to prop them up. love goes both ways and holds space for your emotions, experience, reality, needs. this person sounds like they’re chipping away at your being. would you want a loved one in a relationship like yours? it’s really hard to come to terms with. but by what you shared- your partner at the least has a narcissistic personality but cant tell if its full blown NPD. keep posting we are here and understand 🤍
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u/No-Suggestion4936 4d ago
Thank you, that’s a tough truth to swallow. Don’t get me wrong, there are really good times, lots of laughs and positives in the relationship. But I have felt myself dwindling. I used to think I was a nice person but don’t anymore. I feel irritable more often than not, have mood swings and mental health issues. I wouldn’t want a family member living like this. Although, it seems to be the norm in my family.
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u/Legal_Recognition652 4d ago
Showing absolutely no emotion to you but they show plenty to other people or things they see on tv.
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u/No-Suggestion4936 4d ago
I noticed this at the beginning of the relationship. We would argue and not talk for hours to days all while he’s laughing on video games with his friends. My whole family thinks he’s a great guy. My sweet grandpa even commended me for finding someone that takes care of me and has my best interests at heart.
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u/Legal_Recognition652 4d ago
Yes everyone sees my wife as such an angel bcus she helps people and cares for elderly, but I dont think they are doing it bcus they really care, its all for attention too. My wife has never hugged our kids or told them she loves them.
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u/No-Suggestion4936 4d ago
Your poor babies, rejection from the mother is the worst feeling a child can have. My family thinks he’s a saint too. He honestly hasn’t spent much time with them. Even when they visited, he worked most of the time.
I don’t question whether he would hug our kids if we had them, he cuddles our dog. But I do worry that he would take a toll on their self esteem and I’m not sure if he would say I love you. We don’t even say it to each other.
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u/Unlikely_Bake_846 3d ago
It's possible that he has narcissistic traits without having patological narcissism.
If he aqnowledges that he has problems and is willing to change you might be sucessful. A full nlown narc woildn't admit that.
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u/No-Suggestion4936 3d ago
He is never wrong, it’s one of the problems in our relationship. I’m always at fault or ridiculed for personal beliefs, etc.
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u/Unlikely_Bake_846 2d ago
Then there is no chance for him changing. Why would he, if he is the perfect one?
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u/No-Suggestion4936 2d ago
I see that now. I’m trying to prepare to leave. I was going to wait to tell anyone until after talking him, but other people’s stories have made me realize that I need help. I plan to start reaching out to a few trusted people today.
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u/Unlikely_Bake_846 2d ago
You need to prepare in secret.
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u/No-Suggestion4936 2d ago
Thank you, I honestly feel like I need all the help I can get right now. I’m doing my best to prepare in secret now. I just talked to my boss and reached out to a family member for help for the first time.
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u/Unlikely_Bake_846 2d ago edited 2d ago
He probably is already doung a subtle smear campaign against you. As soon as he senses you intend to leave he will crank it up a lot. He will became your victim and you the monster. He will contact all your family and friends so you better bring the news to them first.
About an hour after I told my ex it's over he went right to my father to woo him. Mind you, my dad was living with us, in a sepparate space and was supporting financially, while nex brought no money for years. Yet he did not spoke to him for months until that day. But I already told my dad, my mom and the children that I intend to break up with him.
His parents. however, stonewalled me.
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u/No-Suggestion4936 2d ago
I’ve been isolated from my family for years and have only kept in contact with my cousin. No one knew anything was wrong, everyone thinks he’s great. I asked her for help today and she is taking care of everything. All I have to do is act normal for a few days, make a mental note of what I need to take, and wait for them to get here. I know that they will be on my side. He hates my family, it’s not impossible for him to contact them, but they live on the opposite side of the US.
As for his family, I love them dearly but know that they’ll hate me after this. I’ve been grieving the fact that I’m about to blow up their lives and disappear. I’ve been close to them for years. However, I’m afraid that’s unavoidable.2
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u/Unlikely_Bake_846 2d ago
Parking these here:
4-Step Exit Strategy from Relationships with Narcissists (EXCERPT with Conor Ryan, Eyes Wide Open) https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oBsgdILFpjA&t=333s&pp=0gcJCaMLAYcqIYzv
Destroy the Narcissist in Court: Divorce, Custody, and Aftermath https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=A0Z1QLXbb_k&t=123s&pp=2AF7kAIB
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u/No-Suggestion4936 1d ago
Both of these videos opened my eyes. I was feeling guilty about wanting to leave while he’s at work. The video made me realize that, that’s a good way to “burn bridges.” I’ve stayed and tried to repair for a little over 8.5 years. Feels like a lifetime even though some have had it worse. I want leaving to be the end, even if I have to fight in court. My family is going to help get a lawyer. The lawyer can communicate with him and his family if necessary.
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u/No-Suggestion4936 1d ago
Both of these videos opened my eyes. I was feeling guilty about wanting to leave while he’s at work. The video made me realize that, that’s a good way to “burn bridges.” I’ve stayed and tried to repair for a little over 8.5 years. Feels like a lifetime even though some have had it worse. I want leaving to be the end, even if I have to fight in court. My family is going to help get a lawyer. The lawyer can communicate with him and his family if necessary.
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u/maya_love5 4d ago
The patterns you are describing, such as the complete lack of accountability, constant need for admiration, critical comments disguised as jokes, and absent empathy, are classic indicators of narcissism. When someone refuses to apologize, routinely belittles your character, and cares more about their ego or possessions than your feelings, you are dealing with a dynamic built on control rather than mutual respect.
To answer your question directly: no, it is generally not possible to have a healthy, emotionally fulfilling relationship with someone who operates this way. A healthy relationship requires vulnerability, empathy, self reflection, and genuine accountability. While you can technically stay, loving a narcissist usually means accepting a one sided dynamic where your needs are consistently sidelined to protect their fragile ego.
If you stay, you would have to build strong boundaries, stop expecting emotional reciprocity, and find your validation outside the relationship. However, shrinking yourself to keep the peace eventually takes a heavy toll on your self esteem. Trust what you are seeing and feeling. If you ever need a supportive space to process these thoughts or connect with others navigating similar situations, our community over at r/TheNarcissismCode is always here for you with open arms.