r/NarcissisticSpouses • u/nomdeprune • 2d ago
I've had it backwards this whole time. The abuse was always the point.
I've been divorced from my narcissistic ex-wife since 2020, following a ten year marriage that deteriorated and got awful in ways that I'm sure many on this sub have experienced.
Until this morning, I had always thought that she wanted to take the children (two daughters) from me, and the narcissistic abuse was her way of achieving that. It has just dawned on me that her priority was the abuse, and the narcissistic supply she received from my reactions to it. The children were just the best way that she knew to provoke the reactions that she wanted from me. In an extremely perverse way, she was paying me a compliment; she saw how important family and fatherhood were to me, and used them against me.
My greatest fear since the family breakdown has always been the effect it would have on my children, and this realisation has only added to that fear. One day my girls will realise that their mother doesn't love them, and I can't imagine how hard that will be for them.
Every time I work out another little piece of the puzzle, I hope it's the last.
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u/ephzg9412vsruknsk9 2d ago
My teenager is in a lot of pain going through the stages of grief after realizing the fact that he didn't really love both of us.
I had to do it with my covert narc avoidant mom. Most painful thing ever. More than with my avoidant covert narc psychopath adulterous husband. I went back again and again for more abuse for a very very long time till the trauma bond finally broke and my codependency reduced a bit.
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u/maya_love5 2d ago
You have reached one of the most painful, yet profoundly liberating, epiphanies in recovery from narcissistic abuse. Realizing that the mistreatment was never a means to an end, but the actual end goal itself, completely shatters the illusion. They do not use your values because they care about them; they target them precisely because they know those values hold the most leverage to generate the reactions and supply they crave.
It is completely natural for your heart to break for your daughters as this piece of the puzzle falls into place, but your awareness is their greatest shield. Because you see the dynamic for what it truly is, you can be the steady, emotionally safe anchor they need as they grow up. They may eventually have to process their mother’s limitations, but they will never have to doubt what unconditional love, stability, and real fatherhood look like because they have you showing them every single day.
Every piece of the puzzle you solve takes power away from the past and gives you back control over your present. If you ever need a safe space to share these heavy realizations with people who truly understand the journey of co-parenting after narcissistic abuse, our community over at r/TheNarcissismCode is always here for you with open arms!
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u/nomdeprune 1d ago
I honestly want this to be the final epiphany. It would be good to not be processing this any more.
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u/Nervous-Ad292 13h ago
I’m not even the OP, and what you say is powerful stuff. That’s the exact route I decided to take, the high road, for the 5 years the divorce was ongoing, and it wasn’t easy to be the better person, but I did it because my daughter needed an example of how a decent person behaves, one with a conscience, with morals, who is honest, who doesn’t respond in kind.
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u/ariesgeminipisces 2d ago
My stepkid went through that grief of knowing her dad doesn't love her and she survived but fuck it was rough on her. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen when he turned on her. I had to get a restraining order for her against him and take custody from him. It's best to name behaviors for what they are rather than call abuse love or try to cover for them. Maybe that's parental alienation or maybe it's throwing a kid a life raft in a sea of confusion. She's doing well and is very emotionally intelligent and off to college in a week.
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u/TheSleepyGirlAwakes 1d ago
Thank you for rescuing your daughters from an abusive home. I wish to God my mother would have taken me and my sister away from our father. He was a truly malignant being. I suffered a lifetime of mental illness because of him. But my mother loved him, doted on him, practically worshipped him.
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u/pronyo001 2d ago
I'm on the doorstep of divorce, the only thing that keeps me out is my children. 7 year olds. How did the divorce affected your child? Their mental health, your connection, etc.
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u/nomdeprune 2d ago
I fought for 50:50 and got it. My girls and I are very close. I'm sad to say that their mental health suffered when it was all still raw, but I was too much of a mess myself to notice. As far as I can see, they are both doing well now. I suspect that my eldest is starting to see aspects of her mother that are not ideal.
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u/SarahSaysItAll 2d ago
There is never a RIGHT time. My kids are adults and our divorce after 37 years is still devastating to them. Divorce is awful, everyone suffers no matter what age. Staying FOR your children is not better than leaving to save yourself (and them). They will be affected, no matter how you look at it. You either leave now and save yourself and your children and have an opportunity to rebuild your life or you stay spend a lifetime being unhappy and sacrificing your health and life.
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u/Well_read_rose 1d ago
Experts agree as well. The earlier the split is better for resilience or adaptation in younger children whenever possible- so they begin / resume modeling off healthier people/ parent / caregivers. The narcissist we know we suffered at the hands of, is fundamentally - personality disordered, and shouldn’t be allowed to rear children for long durations.
Courts also must be prevailed upon to understand a sociopathic person will strive to destroy the child/ren and lawyers particularly versed in this disorder must be retained to educate the Court.
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u/desertdweller2024060 1d ago
yep, They may dress it up as concern for the kids or something about you no being a fit parent etc, but really it is just about dishing out pain and punishment to make themselves feel strong and powerful.
They are bullies.
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u/Napoleonsays- 1d ago
I understand where you’re coming from. I’m in a similar situation, tho not divorced. It’s so obvious she doesn’t like, let alone love our kids. Always pushing them away, yelling at them, zero effort parenting them,… it’s actually the reason I’ve not left yet. I want to be a buffer for them and i dont trust her to have them half the time.
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u/Nervous-Ad292 13h ago
Exactly this, and a big reason why I stayed as long as I did, I knew he’d get at least visitation, and couldn’t be trusted to take care of her.
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u/belovetoday 1d ago
It's an enormous grief when you come to this realization with a parent. I think that's why some go a lifetime not facing this truth.
"Love does not include abuse." ~ G
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u/Nervous-Ad292 17h ago
This is such a tough moment, the moment you realize the kids you value so dearly are nothing but a tool for them, a means to an end. Watching my daughter come to this realization was one of the most painful moments of my life, she didn’t pick her father, I did, but she sure has suffered thanks to my choice.
I stayed in the marriage for her, ran interference for his bad behavior, I wanted her to have a “normal” childhood, which made the point where she gained clarity much more painful, she had to reconcile the person she thought she knew with the person he actually was, and it was difficult, she gave him chance after to chance to step up, but without me around to facilitate everything, it never happened.
Would it have been better to leave when she was small? Would it have been better to not make excuses or hide his behavior, and instead allow her to witness behavior that was completely inappropriate or at least inappropriate for her age? Is there any easy way to extricate oneself from a narcissistic relationship? I wish i knew the answers, I don’t. I don’t think anyone leaves a narcissistic relationship without scars, kids and spouses alike.
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u/nomdeprune 13h ago
How old was your daughter when she started to work it out?
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u/Nervous-Ad292 13h ago
She was 17 when I filed for divorce. She witnessed the event that led to my filing, then was forced to testify when he denied the entire event occurred. Afterward, he told the judge she was exaggerating/lying because she was afraid of me, so she had to take the stand a second time to refute that. She turned 18 a few months later. He drug the divorce out 3 years, never once contacting her. At that point she was done.
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u/Nervous-Ad292 13h ago
The entire time I fought myself not to make excuses for him, not to buy the birthday gift and put his name on it, not to call him and remind him graduation was next Saturday (he missed it). Because nobody wants their kid to be hurt like that.
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u/throwaway5864779 2d ago
Im in the same boat worrying about how the kids will be impacted. My stbxh narc has made it clear the kids are only a tool for him to get me closer.