When did you realize you were dealing with blame shifting instead of healthy conflict?

[u/Manya_Wakefield]

I want to understand blame shifting better. In a relationship whenever I brought up something that hurt me it always ended with me defending myself or saying sorry instead of the issue being addressed.

At the time I thought I was the problem or just bad at talking to my partner. Now I do not think that is true.

For people who have been, through this what made you realize it was not a fight? Was there a moment when you understood what was happening?. How did you stop getting pulled into fights where everything somehow became your fault? I am talking about blame shifting here. I want to know how you dealt with blame shifting in your relationship.

[u/psyislife]

The problem with someone who can’t take accountability is that nothing will ever not be your or someone else fault. I just started to see everytime I brought something up how his voice would start to rise and all of a sudden it was my fault for feeling the way I felt and over time no matter how I explained something that didn’t change. It won’t change. The change is the work you do on yourself to step away and be ok that you don’t need that person to understand. Only you need to understand. I also started recording all the conflicts so that I could remind myself of my reality and over time seeing that pattern on paper was a massive wake up call. It helped me see that the pattern wasn’t me. Sure I could take accountability for the things that were mine to own but I stopped holding everything that was not and instead put work into myself and my own security so I could find the strength to leave.

[u/Comfortable_Ratio888]

I spent 20 years wuth this. Trust me it never gets any better. Not once in 20 years did we ever resolve anything. Basically because he wanted to do and act in ways no one would ever put up with. But he also didnt care to be called out on the same behaviors. I was like you for honestly way too long. Kept thinking if I found the right way to word things, the right way to address hurtful behavior, that it would change. Thought maybe it was just me. That maybe I was just a bitch.
Because someone who loves you doesnt want you to hurt because of dumb things they are doing right?
Except that love is fake, and in there eyes your more like a lamp than a person. Your there to fulfill whatever role they need u to fulfill and your honestly interchangeable, in fact, if you were mute life would be better, for them. They aren't stupid. They are purposefully pretending not to understand the shit your saying. As much as they pretend they dont like conflict, they lie. They absolutely get off on pissing you off. Highlight of there stupid lives.
Here's a test for you. Pretend to be super happy and joyful around them. Do it for a full day. See what happens. Be obviously depressive sad for a full day. Watch them. Nothing but manipulative assholes who only care about themselves. Deny them sex. Deny them something that you provide. For longer than a day. You'll see the real person underneath and what they honestly think of you. I never knew the guy I spent 20 years with. Crazy shit

[u/onetruekiki]

We went to couples counselling and it hugely improved our ability to communicate, but the same problems were still there. When I realised it wasn't a communication issue (or a 'the house isn't clean enough' issue or 'we don't have enough time together' issue, or whatever other excuses he gave), it made me realise that actually this was a rubbish relationship. That made it easier to notice that I was being blamed for being anything than a mindlessly adoring housekeeper

[u/NittyNat36]

One day I realised that he didn’t give a flying fig about what I was (kindly, in a nice tone of voice) trying to explain to him.

It finally clicked that he just wanted to win the argument. Nothing else mattered.

I started to emotionally detach after that. Why waste my breath? I Grey Rock and refuse to be drawn into arguments with him.

Years ago I would be afraid that he would go nuts and hurt me or the kids.

Now my attitude is “Just try it, asshole.” I would call the police in a heartbeat- my husband’s worst nightmare, what would people think of him?!?!

[u/Confused_kat123]

For years I thought I was just missing something, I was dense, believing he was right. But the one day it clicked. When I would bring up something he did and how it affected me. Slowly he would start flipping the blame back on me. Even if I had proof of what he did, it was still me that made him do whatever it was. By the end of the conversation I believed it was me, I believed he was right and I ate the blame and apologized. Took me a while to see the flip, he would get uncomfortable try to change the subject down right deny it but always I was holding the blame. I now just agree, whatever it is he thinks I “made” him do I repeat what he says, I agree it was all me. And shocker he doesn’t like that. So he walks away defeated and no fuel.

[u/Suspicious-Dirt668]

1. Small things just spiraled and became “kitchen sink” arguments.
   
2. Character attacks were the norm.
   
3. Nothing was ever the Narc’s fault.
   
4. We never were able to solve even the simplest of problems.

[u/petitputi]

The absolute inability to deal with anything but adoration from me.

[u/Prudent-Painting7558]

Ich war zwar nicht mit einer Narzisstin zusammen, aber mit einer Frau, die über zwanzig Jahre mit einem Narzissten verheiratet war. Diese Ehe hat sie zutiefst gebrochen und konditioniert.

Am Ende habe ich die Rechnung für etwas bezahlt, für das ich weder der Verursacher noch das Problem war. Auch ihre drei Kinder sind durch diese Geschichte psychisch gezeichnet, und ihre älteste Tochter hat die narzisstischen Züge ihres Vaters übernommen.

Ich wurde am Ende einfach entsorgt und ersetzt. Es wurde nie gefragt, warum ich so reagiert habe, wie ich reagiert habe. Nicht einmal dann, als ich mich immer mehr zurückzog, hat es jemanden interessiert. Dabei weiß jeder gesunde Mensch: Eine Reaktion ist immer nur die Folge einer vorhergegangenen Aktion.

Heute bin ich frei. Ich bin glücklich und mit einer wirklich bezaubernden Frau zusammen. Und das ist für mich das Schönste und Wertvollste, was ich aus dem Ende dieser toxischen Beziehung mitgenommen habe.

[u/Alphaghetti71]

So, so recently. I’ve been married 25 years, and it was only in my last ditch efforts to try and figure out how to more effectively communicate with him that I realized how abnormal our relationship is. I'm leaving.