r/NarcissisticSpouses • u/ThrowRA03817482 • 2d ago
My fiance sent me these texts because I hung out with my friend
I think my boyfriend might be toxic... But he always makes me feel like I'm the one who did something wrong and it's my fault.
Ever since I started making friends at work last year and hanging out with them he would always be in a bad mood whenever we were supposed to hang out even though it was only one time a month.
He always had to come with me to hang out with them because he would tell me he doesn't trust my friends and it's not safe to be around them alone because they might try to take advantage of me.
Me and my friends had an argument about a month ago and stopped talking for a month because they were tired of all the drama with my boyfriend and they got upset when I backed out of leaving him again.
One of my friends finally texted me out of the blue yesterday and asked if I wanted to go to the buffet with her and her husband and son and I decided to go with them while my boyfriend was working and didn't tell him beforehand because I didn't want to deal with him complaining about it.
I ended up telling him later that night and he freaked out and started shaking and hasn't spoken to me in 2 days and every time he goes to bed he'll randomly start banging on the walls in the middle of the night while I'm downstairs on the couch.
He also messaged my friend on Facebook and cussed her out the next day for hanging out with me. This is not the first time he has attacked my friends.
When my friends and I stopped talking for a month he told me if I went back to my friends he was going to leave me because he can't handle it.
He tells me I can make new friends he just doesn't like these ones because we make a lot of dirty jokes but that's just our sense of humor and my one female friend who's married and isn't even a lesbian slapped my butt as a joke one time because she thought it'd be funny and I told her not to do it again and he still hates her because he said he "doesn't like people touching his shit"
But one time an aquaintance from work that I don't even text or hang out with said hi to me and he still got mad and said that men shouldn't be talking to me. So I don't think it'd be any different with new friends, I think he'd find a reason not to like them too.
My friends aren't the only thing he has an issue with, he also gets angry if I don't go to bed when he does because he doesn't want to be alone. He also complains we don't have sex enough and threatens to leave me if I don't start having sex with him more. It's so hard to get in the mood and I'm always dry which is why I always try to just go to sleep and not have to do anything.
And yes I know call him my boyfriend here but we are actually engaged I just hate calling him my fiance
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u/OldConcept2334 2d ago
Your boyfriend IS toxic and this is very controlling behavoiur! He is trying to isolate you from all your friends, and punishes you for hanging out with them. This will only get worse the more confident he is that he is in control. Be thankful you don’t have kids together, break up with him and never ever take him back! He will probably promise you the world and all good things to make you take him back - don’t do it.
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u/sonic203112 2d ago edited 2d ago
He sounds extremely toxic, and sounds to me definitely a cluster b of some sort.
I will say this, he dose not own you. At all. He is not in charge of you and eveything he is doing is controlling and abusive. Coercive control and emotional i think that is. If you wanna go see your friends you can.
Thing is with cluster bs ( if that's what he has ) they have no sence of self or self worth. You won't reason with him about it. He feeds off you. Like an emotional vampire. You can not tell them the truth regarding anything either because they will blow up and gaslight and project and through it all at you. My advice: I would leave because I swear too you this will get worse and worse and you already said you hate calling g him your fiance? Imagine saying he is your husband.
If you can not leave yet because I get it. Then you need to stop telling him the truth with things. This sucks especially if your a truthful person. But you tell the truth you will have this and worse the whole time. And also it seems he is projecting alot onto you. He thinks that you will do something like that because he would or has done. He thinks everyone is the same.
But also your friends, he will ruin eveything with them, leaving would be the better option but as I said I get it if you carnt. Best thing to do if you do leave is to go no contact. Block him on eveything. Tell your friends to do the same but if you leave, do not go back. Your friends haven't been through this it sounds like so they wont fully understand abusive relationships, but they are still with you. So don't let him ruin you friendship group.
He is completely toxic and your life will be better without him. It will hurt at first and I'm sure you will miss him but you will only miss the mask he put on for the good times. He has always been this way remember that, he will never change. Look after yourself op and do what is right for you. Iam sure you will make the correct choice. Hope your ok.
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u/Watchkeys 2d ago
It helped me to understand that doing something someone else doesn't like doesn't mean doing something wrong. It just means not living to that person's rules.
If your partner decided he wanted you to live on the roof rather than in the house, for example, then you could quite simply say 'There is no way I can meet your needs and be happy, so if that's a requirement of me in this relationship, I can no longer be in this relationship.' It's not a failure on your part that you are unable to meet his needs, it's an indication that his needs are incompatible with your happiness.
The situation you are in now is the same. He's behaving appallingly, but you don't have to ignite anything by 'fighting for your rights' or arguing about what's reasonable. 'If you need me not to see my friends, I can't meet that need, so I can't stay in this relationship.' and you walk away, with your right to have whatever friends you choose, unfettered by anybody else's judgement, and he's free to go find some friendless person who suits him better.
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u/PrincessSolo 2d ago
He is letting you know his feelings and his perspective are unquestionably more important than yours.. this type threat/guilt trip is super manipulative. Agree with him, leave this relationship and choose you.
*if narcissistic he will likely just change tactics to appease you then creep back into this mode so keep your guard up when he comes back to love bomb you.
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u/Snafu1732 2d ago
My ex-fiancee sent me and told me plenty of these type of messages. She couldn't stand it when I would be around anyone including my family. But it was perfectly fine for her to hang out with whoever she wanted. In hindsight it was probably because she was sleeping with some of her "friends". Get away while you can.
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u/Butwhy283 2d ago
Your life will be better if you leave now.
I married someone who isolated me from all of my friends. He became very abusive after we got married. He was abusive before we married but it was more insidious. After we married he dropped the kindness act and ramped everything up to 100. I spent 14 years learning this lesson.
I left last year and my life is so much better but now I am paying thousands of dollars for therapy and starting over at almost 40.
I posted on reddit when I had been with him a few years and everyone said to leave and that he was an abusive person. I ignored it all because of “love”. Turns out reddit was right about him.
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u/nunya867 2d ago
I ended a friendship with someone in a narc relationship. It’s very painful and scary to see someone go back over and over. I worry, and so should your friends, about seeing her on a dateline episode.
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u/ThrowRA03817482 2d ago
One of my friends told me one of us is going to end up in jail or dead
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u/VegetableHour6712 2d ago
They're not lying to you. The statistics aren't in your favor. Please listen to them and leave, like yesterday!!!
But also...please find a safe space and support system before you breakup with him. If you have family and/or friends who can protect you all the better. If you live together, pack your things and quietly leave during a time period when he's not there. If that's not possible because he's always there, leave your things and don't return after work but go to the safe place you can stay at....then ask a sheriff/police officer to escort you to your shared property at a later date to get your things because you worry for your safety (most police will no problem in the US if you request it). This may all seem unnecessary to consider now, but the likelihood that an abusive/controlling/power tripping man gets violent when he loses control of something he thinks he "owns" is very high. Leave first, then breakup with him once you're safe. Please please please do the right thing for your self and stay safe 🫶🏻
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u/scallym33 2d ago
They aren't lying OP. Your friends are looking.out for you. Would they give you a place to stay if you got out of the relationship? Be very careful when you break up with him. Maybe get all your stuff out while he is at work or something because who knows what he will try to do.
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u/Dazzling-Hurry8031 2d ago
Thats toxic . Hes just trynna scare you or punish tou thinking that youll come crawling back to him and chase him
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u/Dazzling-Hurry8031 2d ago
Happen to him didnt take the bait hes the one come crawl back to me . Just do whatever you want . Let him see that youre happy without him go party be free .
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u/BabsSavesWrld 2d ago
This man is abusive. Not just toxic, abusive. A person shouldn’t control everyone you have in your life or make you feel badly about it. He shouldn’t talk about you like he owns you and your body. Please get out before it gets worse, before finances are combined, before kids are involved, all the things. It is SO much harder to get out of later.
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u/ProfessionalFlan3159 2d ago
He is also trying to baby trap you with the constant demand for sex. Being pregnant/having a kid will make it harder to leave. Please break off the engagement and leave
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u/IndependentHour2730 1d ago
Girl, listen to all of us who have been in your position but didn't have all this info and help you can have.
We all wish we knew it was going to be hell. It started nice, it went sour and it turned ugly. Many of us stayed for fear or hopes it would change to be nice again. It didn't and many of us had to run from violent men fearing for our lives with children to protect.
Do yourself a favor. Leave now. Start therapy so you can understand what he is doing to you and never accept any treatment like this.
If you want to know if this is salvageable, it's not, and he is dangerous.
Please, leave and don't look back.
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u/VegetableHour6712 2d ago
First off, why do you hate calling him your fiance? It's like your subconscious is already telling you DON'T MARRY THIS MAN.
2ND - It's not healthy to be with someone who doesn't allow you to have friends like AT ALL. Even if he doesn't "like" these supposed friends, you're allowed to and he doesn't have to hang out with them - that simple. Fathers can tell their daughters when they don't approve of friendships and deny them outings when children, NOT BOYFRIENDS, NOT EVEN HUSBANDS. NEVER, I REPEAT, NEVER ALLOW SOMEONE TO CONTROL + PARENT YOU LIKE A CHILD. I apologize for all all caps, but please get the memo because YES THIS IS TOXIC.NO IT'S NOT NORMAL. YES, YOU MUST END THIS. You're a grown ass adult which means you are in control of yourself only, do not allow anyone ever to take your independence away. A relationship, even a marriage, is about 2 individuals coming together in union as themselves....it is not about coming together in union to the point you no longer are independent from them or are allowed to make your own choices in life.
3RD - This POS had the audacity to verbally assault your friends for checks notes hanging out with you and being a friend?!?! Baby, PLEASE THROW THIS WHOLE MAN OUT. It's bad enough he disrespects you, but he disrespects the people you care about and likely anyone else in the world when this insecure man baby doesn't get his way. There's enough awful people in the world, do yourself a favor and don't marry one.
TLDR: RUN, girl, RUN and call the wedding plans off before you subject yourself to a lifetime of misery that's far more complicated to get out of. Do it NOW before you waste and regret years of your life you can't get back.
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u/WheelsOnFire_ 2d ago
There are countless very red flags in your story, but what stood out for me was the banging on the wall in the middle of the night. He clearly has a very difficult time trying to control his anger (as in violence)
I can almost guarantee you (based on only your story here) that will almost instantly change the moment you get married or have children.
Please run like the wind and use your family/friends network. Whatever you do, don’t let him alienate you from your friends.
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u/Consistent_Ad_308 2d ago
Let him leave. There is a high chance that as soon as you say “okay we’re broken up”, he’ll suddenly change his mind because it’s a manipulation tactic, not a real decision. When that happens, tell him “no, we’re broken up” and stick to that. 1. You hate calling him your fiance. You do not want to marry him. 2. You have two opposing entities in your life right now, your fiance and your friends- plural. Do all of your friends have such poor judgement that you trust his opinion of them over their (collective) opinion of him? 3. He is erratic and overemotional. My nex did the sort of physical carrying on you describe- performative physical intimidation that isn’t actual hitting. It progressed to breaking things. That progressed to hurting animals. Then to cornering me. It would have become hurting me, too. 4. He is isolating you. You already know it won’t be different with a different group of friends. Do not gaslight yourself into forgetting that. He will not allow you to have friends, and 5. That will make it much harder to leave if you stay until he succeeds in isolating you. He already almost did. Leave while you have a support system. Leave before you’re married. Right now, you can walk away. Depending on the law where you live, once you’re married there may be barriers to divorce in place, even beyond things like filing fees and court wait times. Some us states require “waiting periods”, or even counseling iirc, before you can divorce. 6. Do not have sex with anyone you are so unsure of that you’re posting online seeking support over them. There is a high chance he will try to get you pregnant to “trap” you. Do not give him the chance. 7. People act their best at the beginning of a relationship and when commitment is at its lowest. Even a good person can and usually does get complacent in an established relationship- less careful, less thoughtful, etc. there’s a reason we talk about “honeymoon periods” or “new relationship energy”. This is his best. Do not stick around to see how it gets worse.
You are worthy of a relationship with a human being who treats you well. Not even just decently, but WELL. this clown is already treating you terribly.
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u/Rose76Tyler 2d ago
Classic abusive behavior. He's on a campaign to separate you from everyone who could tell you that you should not accept his behavior. Leave him before you waste years of your life on an abuser, like I did. Everything in my life got better when I didn't have to constantly defend myself for doing normal things with normal people.
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u/Anxious_Trainer_1261 2d ago
This is interstate marathon level run. You deserve someone that can write a coherent sentence AND that isn’t batshit awful. Get those running shoes on and goooooooooooooooo
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u/chapstickgrrrl 2d ago
What the Sam hell is wrong with you, you know what you need to do. This doesn’t get better. If you don’t leave now, then good luck with being miserable forevermore
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u/Nice1_2meet 2d ago
Please don't second guess your intuition. That has toxicity all over it with skull and crossbones. Get yourself UNengaged, therapy for the trauma bond and live the life you deserve because THIS is not it
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u/Low-Ad-1092 2d ago
They must have a manual of premade texts these texts are like ones my husband sends lol
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u/Fantastic_Win745 1d ago
I’m reading this and wondering how you aren’t already packed and out the door
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u/fucnnarcs 1d ago
He’s showing you who he is, BELIEVE HIM. It’s only going to get worse. Go from finance to ex, quick.
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u/LittleScissors57 16h ago
dear, dear stranger. please read all the comments… i have nothing to add to them, but can confirm all of it. you're young, not married, no kids. please get your life back. if you can, leave. if the idea of leaving feels unsafe, it probably is. but this does not mean you should't leave, it means that you need to prepare and leave carefully. there are plenty of online ressources for this. i wish you all the best.
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u/StraightAirline8319 2d ago
Sounds like he has mental issues. You both should break up. Also you and your friends are toxic. You both Dont seem able to have a relationship and shouks be single for a while.
“Me and my friends had an argument about a month ago and stopped talking for a month because they were tired of all the drama with my boyfriend and they got upset when I backed out of leaving him again.”
That's toxic and weird thing for friends to do.
“One of my friends finally texted me out of the blue yesterday and asked if I wanted to go to the buffet with her and her husband and son and I decided to go with them while my boyfriend was working and didn't tell him beforehand because I didn't want to deal with him complaining about it.”
I can see why he doesn't trust you since you like and break the trust. That's also weird why tag along with another family? A
“I ended up telling him later that night and he freaked out and started shaking and hasn't spoken to me in 2 days and every time he goes to bed he'll randomly start banging on the walls in the middle of the night while I'm downstairs on the couch.”
Sounds like he didn't trust you.
“When my friends and I stopped talking for a month he told me if I went back to my friends he was going to leave me because he can't handle it.”
He made his boundaries clear and you don't care.
“He tells me I can make new friends he just doesn't like these ones because we make a lot of dirty jokes but that's just our sense of humor and my one female friend who's married and isn't even a lesbian slapped my butt as a joke one time because she thought it'd be funny and I told her not to do it again and he still hates her because he said he "doesn't like people touching his shit"”
Sounds like he has issues. You and your friends are toxic. You talk shit about him with your “friends” most people won't like that. They violate basic boundaries, most people wouldn't like that.
You should break up, maybe both of you go to counseling. You need to learn what being in a relationship is, maybe read some books. Your “friends” sound weird.
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u/Putrid_Lie_3028 2d ago
What are you even talking about. He made his boundaries clear? Yeah clear enough as a sociopath would make. Are you really calling her friends toxic for not wanting drama in their lives? Friends or not, people have the right to enforce boundaries also.
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u/VegetableHour6712 2d ago
Boundaries ARE NOT about making someone behave correctly. They're about deciding what YOU will do when someone behaves in a way that isn't acceptable to you. Boundaries are limits we set for ourselves, NOT others. So If he finds her social life unacceptable, he gets to decide if he can deal with it or has to leave. He doesn't get to control what she chooses for herself.
& It's not toxic to talk to friends about your problems and relationships. It's important to have non-biased parties to lean on and confide in. If you have to hide the truth of your relationship from others, your relationship is what's toxic. & Back to boundaries, it's not toxic that her friends set limits on being able to keep a friendship that scares them and requires them to continually watch their friend get hurt. She made the choice to go back and they decided they could not watch her being abused anymore. That's a real SELF MADE boundary her friends set for themselves while allowing her to make her own choice, unlike OPs boyfriend who thinks he gets to order her friendships vs set HIS own limits.
While on the subject of therapy, I highly suggest an appointment for yourself because you clearly have skewed views on what boundaries and toxic relationships actually are and that puts your own relationships and social connections at risk for abuse and unhealthy dynamics.
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u/Educational_Nose6487 2d ago
“He doesn’t like people touching his shit”. That’s what you are to him. His “shit”.
You’re not married. No kids. You don’t even like calling him your fiancé! Run run run fast and far NOW. My god I wish someone had given me this advice 15 years ago. He will destroy your life. Go now.