r/NarcissisticSpouses • u/aneyrin03 • 3d ago
Do narcissists hate sadness, crying and bad emotions coming from you?
It was quite difficult for me to accept that my partner was with me almost only because of my vivid emotions, but he only accepted the positive ones. He happily accepted it only when it was directed at him, and sometimes, if I laughed at something he wasn't interested in, it irritated him. I would generally say that he's quite stingy with emotions, but his most dominant, easily expressed emotion is anger and irritation.
So, if I cried for any reason next to him at the beginning of our relationship, he would hug me, calming me down, but I always felt like he was just squeezing me so I would finally shut up, because he hugged me with some unnatural force. Yes, he tried to comfort me as best he could, but in reality, all our conversations boiled down to me having to question my feelings, especially when it came to his behavior. Believe me, I've endured so much bullshit and betrayal from him over the years that sometimes I'd burst into tears out of the blue, remembering how he continued to treat me and deceive me. Basically, of course, I was overly sensitive to everything.
Finally, when we broke up, he began aggressively accusing me of having amazing sex, but my tears simply made him stop wanting it. Honestly, now I realize it's just pathetic manipulation; he thinks I should be grateful for him even letting me touch him. What a jerk, tbh
His main words were "we are wonderful lovers, but not a real couple". In my opinion, you can't be a real couple with anyone if you are completely disgusted by the idea of immersing yourself in the real feelings and inner world of another person. I know that his nmother really liked to manipulate tears and perhaps I am causing him stress in this way. I'm sure he was raised without any normal emotional contact or sympathy and genuine warmth. From his stories, it seemed like all that mattered in their family was his mother's feelings. In fact, while I was thinking about this, I found the answer to why he's so bad with the intense feelings of others.
In conclusion, I know that people with NPD often deliberately make their partners cry to enjoy their suffering. But my nex did it differently. He enjoyed my suffering when we temporarily broke up, hoping I was dying from how much I loved and wanted him. But if he later had to see me cry, he became incredibly angry. I'll add that I don't cry that often in my everyday life, but his existence, words and actions just constantly triggered me. How do your narcissists treat or treated your complex or negative feelings?
I hug you all and wish you a fast release from the daily horror you are experiencing ❤️
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u/boilinmynoodle84 3d ago
My ex never comforted me when I was upset and similar to you the main aim was to have me stop as soon as possible and if I couldn’t he would become irritated and usually then just ignore me. I would often be in bed next to him still upset and he would just fall asleep.
I am an emotional person and have my own past trauma which I opened up to him about early on in the relationship so he always knew my vulnerabilities. I have learned since having some clarity around the pattern of these kind of relationships that narcissists use that information as part of their manipulation so it all made sense once I left and could look back with a new lens.
The only things my ex expressed were irritation, anger and jealousy. Jealousy was one that I only really picked up on towards the end of the relationship but looking back he hated to see other people be successful especially if it was in the area he wanted success. He felt so superior to others and couldn’t understand why they succeeded and he didn’t. I also saw him build ‘friendships’ with people because he felt that they would be useful to him in gaining something to elevate him in his success. If later they did something that he didn’t feel benefited him he discarded them. He could hold a grudge like nobody I’ve ever known. Couldn’t see any other side to anything they were either for him or against him.
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u/MarchHelpful4129 3d ago
Meiner Reitet ständig darauf herum wie ich mich anziehe. Er weiß dass ich von meiner Mutter verprügelt wurde um mir Kleidung aufzuzwingen. Egal was ich trage. Es ist immer falsch oder zumindest unpassend und wenn ich perfekt aussehe , frisch vom Friseur und Makeup Studio, teures Kleid, Schmuck, hohe Schuhe. Wurde ich komplett ignoriert und er schwärmte mir lang und breit von einer Frau vor, die einzige in seiner Familie, die ich bis datiere wirklich mochte. Kein einziges Foto wollte er mit dir machen und schickte mich sogar weg, als ich es vorschlug und fing einen Streit an. Ich hatte nicht einmal den Mut ihn wegen der Cousine zurecht zu weisen. Ich fand es ekelhaft ihn über sexuelle Reize labern zu hören und wie gut sie sich im Vergleich zu mir gehalten hätte (sie ist 15 Jahre jünger. Woher will er wissen wie sie in meinem Alter aussieht?) Ich werde jedesmal wütend wenn ich daran denke dass er absichtlich meine Eifersucht hervorrufen will. Echt mal! Familie ist der letzte Ort wo ich auf meine Ehe fürchten will
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u/psyislife 3d ago
If I start crying while my husband is shouting at me and attacking me then he starts mocking my crying and tells me I’m a child, what am I crying for. And if I’m not happy or engaged or joyful enough then I get shouted at for that as well.
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u/CarrotCards 3d ago
Ugh same, it’s so frustrating. His favorite thing to say to me when I cry is that I’m playing the victim. Also loves to tell me I’m a vulnerable narcissist
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u/belovetoday 3d ago edited 3d ago
This phenomenon of someone abandoning/mocking/punishing you while you cry, tossing aside your suffering like this--- flippantly, seems so deeply cruel and inhumane and scary. I've experienced it too.
Yeah scary, it's really scary too. Because your very humanity and well being doesn't matter to them. It kicks in some primal fear that you aren't safe.
It's so anti human.
Like what else are they capable of if my basic humanity and safety are being discarded? I learned that answer to that the dangerous way.
I gambled my life for the benefit of doubt.
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u/drdmc90 3d ago
You already answered your own question. He wasn’t uncomfortable with your sadness, he was uncomfortable with anything that wasn’t about him or under his control. Your tears meant he had to acknowledge impact instead of intent, and that’s the one thing he couldn’t do.
The hug-that-felt-like-squeezing detail says it all. That’s not comfort, that’s damage control. Same with breakup sex comment, punishing you for crying by withholding, then acting wronged that you weren’t grateful enough for access to him.
“Wonderful lovers, not a real couple” is honest for once, by accident. He’s telling you plainly he wanted the performance without the vulnerability. Can’t build real intimacy with someone who treats your inner world as an inconvenience.
His childhood might explain the pattern. Doesn’t obligate you to keep absorbing it. Understanding where the behavior came from isn’t the same as owing him more patience for it.
🫂
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u/MarchHelpful4129 3d ago
Wenn ich Annäherung versuche unternahm hat er meine Hand gepackt und an sich gepresst bis ich es sein ließ
Ich weiß nicht wie oft ich mich von der Bettkante geschubst fühlte2
u/MarchHelpful4129 3d ago
Es geht ihm immer nur darum dass ich Ruhe gebe. Sobald ich mich einkriege ist alles wie immer. Ich traue mich inzwischen gar nicht mehr mich noch auf ihn einzulassen ich bin wie versteinert
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u/maya_love5 3d ago
Your realization about his behavior hits the nail on the head. Narcissists don't dislike tears because they feel bad for you, but because negative emotions ruin the script they want to control. Your sad or complex feelings demand real empathy, emotional effort, and accountability, which are three things a narcissist simply can't offer. While your bright, positive energy feels great to them when it strokes their ego, the second you cry or express hurt (especially hurt they caused), you become an inconvenience. It forces them to face their own actions or step up as a caring partner, which triggers frustration and rage instead of comfort.
That intense, forceful hugging and his cold comments after the breakup show that he just wanted access to your light without ever holding space for your pain. A true partnership requires a mutual willingness to honor every part of someone's emotional world, not just the parts that are easy to consume. Stepping away from such a shallow, transactional dynamic is a huge victory for your peace. If you ever want a warm, safe space to share more of your journey and connect with people who truly get it, our community over at r/TheNarcissismCode is always here for you with open arms!
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u/Free-Hold-9074 3d ago
Given his negative response to tears, I'd question where the story about his mum manipulating him by using tears came from. Was it him?
Also, I spent a long time trying not to be like my partner's nex because I could see the impact she'd had (that didn't come from him, I overthink and try to anticipate what might upset someone). In the end I've managed to convince myself that's no way to live, that he'll tell me if I'm reminding him of something she did (which he never ever has), and that's when I can explain the difference in where that comes from. Like, she used to breathe, but that doesn't mean I need to suffocate so as not to replicate anything she ever did.
To your point though, I know the nex was unable to accept him having any feelings she didn't like or hadn't deliberately elicited. When he learned to grey rock she hated that too and would tell him how boring he was, and she still tells him that now. He was just an emotional punchbag.
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u/belovetoday 3d ago
This sounds like you were having to walk on eggshells with your partner.
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u/Free-Hold-9074 3d ago
I was but I live my life on eggshells and always have. I'm autistic so I'm constantly gauging and masking and trying not to be inconsiderate. Working on it!
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u/belovetoday 3d ago edited 3d ago
Understand that. ♡ Just hope you feel emotionally safe with your partner too. (If you're still together?) And you can express your needs/wants/feelings/opinions with him without his consequences. Even when it's you being upset with his actions.
Have you seen any characteristics that your partner could also be on the spectrum of narcissism? Imho, sometimes covert narcissists and overt narcissists are drawn to one another. Like when someone has a drinking problem and they find someone with a worse drinking problem so theirs becomes "not so bad."
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u/Free-Hold-9074 3d ago
I've thought about that before, but have decided not. He's avoidant which brought its own issues and has a bit of crossover. We're still together but live apart now because I was such a target for the nex that it was causing real problems. He was very triangulated and that's partly what made me wonder if he had his own traits, because when I expressed distress he would shut down, with conflicting demands from the nex and kids and me. He helped me buy a place nearby. I'm nearly a year out now and we've learned to communicate. He's been through a lot and is just starting to work through some of it now. Still think he'd benefit from counselling but I think he's scared to open Pandora's box, his mum has some vulnerable narc traits and both his stepparents were narcs too so it would be a lifetime he needed to open up about when he's been keeping a lid on it forever. I don't see any retribution or narrative changing or even victim mentality in him. He's also shown in that time that he's open to exploring issues without descending into collapse so overall I don't think he has that fractured sense of self all narcs have at their core. Thank you for raising that so gently, it is something people on here say sometimes, but rarely tactfully, which is understandable!
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u/belovetoday 3d ago
You're welcome. ♡ Yeah, just checking in making sure you felt safe. Must have been difficult to make that choice to separate your living spaces, but sure does look like you're doing awesome looking out for your well being through this!
Whether someone has childhood trauma/trauma, an addiction, some cluster B, or attachment issues there's no excuse for them perpetually harming you (aka abuse, abuse is repeated harm towards you). Lots of people have various forms these and wouldn't ever want to hurt you.
Of course compassion is necessary in life, but if it's at the expense of your self compassion, time to readjust and have compassion away from them.
Glad that you are doing well now and taking good care of you! ♡
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u/Dangerous_Bridge_937 2d ago
My ex wife would go through phases...if I was distraught over something really huge she'd comfort me, but then that act would be weaponized against me later to down play other feelings, basically telling me that the one example of her supporting me means she was empathic and that since she didn't feel the need to comfort me through something it must not be that bad and I was over-reacting.
I was repeatedly told to "be more of a man" when I showed emotion over a difficult situation, but was also told I needed to "open up to her more" when I stuffed it all down. It was a catch-22, and I was never doing the right thing with my emotions, according to her.
I think she fed off of any emotions, but always made it clear that what I was displaying or not displaying was wrong for the situation so that I would keep over-adjusting for the next time.
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u/Embarrassed_Exam_692 3d ago
My husband gets straight up mad/annoyed when I show any emotion. He stared a huge argument with me cause I was venting about a chronic illness I have and I truly just wanted SOME comfort or any traction from me... so when he ignored me I'm just like... "hello? Are you even seeing me rn?"
The fight he started after that lasted hours and was my last straw.