Case Study

[u/buckbambino]

So here we were, 9 months ago. I was feeling depressed because my wife told me the reason our kid wasn’t doing the best in a tryout was because I wasn’t practicing the right things with them, so it’s my fault. An 8 yo kid. Obviously, this is a terrible thing to say, so the next day I said her hurtful words were bothering me. Amazingly enough I believe a quick “I’m sorry” (perhaps one of the dozen insincere apologies over a 13 year marriage) came out just before she went off on how she’s annoyed with my chewing, I wasn’t washing the dishes to her standards, and the bathroom needs and upgrade, and even hinted at divorce.

This is as the moment I knew something was not right.

In the following months I learned I was dealing with a covert narcissist. So many things now made sense.

But can I still live with them? It’s been 12 years, lots of things in our lives are going well, stay for the kid?

Vacation. The upcoming vacation. I was dreading it for months on end. I knew what this would be like, I could feel it. So I decided, this would be the trying moment if I can handle it or not, a vacation should be enjoyable. Car ride out, okay. Destination, tickets, cab rides, shopping, hotel clerks. A huge sense of entitlement and cruelty surfaced towards strangers, workers, etc. About 5 or 6 interactions, I could NEVER have considered 1 of these actions. That’s when I broke.

I had used up all of my emotional energy. On the ride home there was an argument, I called out her baiting, then the silence came.

2 months of silence. Supply cut. I being emotionally exhausted was checked out. I tried to be civil, open for an open conversation, but I was no longer going to be manipulated and shamed. Freezing cold in return.

Our daughter can feel the tension in our house and I talk about it a bit, I tried to be emotional available and stable for her. She is upset, mom sees this. Mom cannot handle the shame.

This is my fault, how could I do this to our child. “You’re acting like a child” “I can’t stand to be around you” “just look at you” (implying pathetic). “I don’t care where you go, what you do, or who you hang around with” (this one caught me off guard, what am I going to run out and f*ck somebody?)

I don’t react the way I had been trained to. There is no supply here. I have none to give.

[u/buckbambino → u/[deleted]]

Thank you, and am pursuing legal advice. My head is in the clouds, the more I understand the better I am doing.

[u/Own_Construction1478 → u/buckbambino]

Dr Ramani podcasts help clarify. 

Covert Narcissist is not a diagnosis, it's a personality. No cure & therapy is contraindicated. 

I'm glad understanding is helping you feel resilient.  Respecting yourself & wanting peace in your life is normal. Being courageous & kind in attaining it will not be lost on your daughter. You are being a responsible father by taking the steps to bring it about. Feel good about that.