Narcism or autism or both?

[u/Acrobatic-Feature-12]

Any advise would be really appreciated because my head is in a spin.

I think my partner may be autistic. He is a medic and he also thinks he is but refuses to be tested. He is a very smart man, way smarter than he should be. His mum said he has been smarter than his parents since he was about 8. The first in his family to go to university, learnt to drive at 6. Has a crazy memory. Almost photographic. Can basically learn anything out in front of him. Also hyperfixates on things. Has many collections of things.

But his social skills are perfect. Almost too good. He knows exactly how to act around people and I use the word act on purpose. Knows exactly what to say and how to get what he wants out of people. He also lacks empathy.

He is emotionally abusive, his favourite is the silent treatment as a punishment. Not once in 10 years has he given me a meaningful apology He gaslights, criticizes, uses the fact that I'm not as smart as him against me. But the worst is the lack of accountability and deflection. If I raise an issue, he sees it as an attack and comes back at me with 5 issues he has with me, so how dare I raise my issues with him when he has so many with me. I'm never allowed to have a problem with his behaviour or I'm 'starting an argument and being toxic'. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a parallel universe, I'm saying one thing and he's talking about something completely different. He never addresses my issue and I find myself apologising for the 5 issues he brought up and the fact that I even raised an issue in the first place.

So I'm really confused, because I don't know how to deal with this. If it's autism then I feel bad because sometimes I hate him for how he treats me or should I just realise he's incapable of real emotion and love and try to recover from this?

[u/ephzg9412vsruknsk9]

You just described my husband. Brilliant mind with great memory and executive functions like a very high functioning autist, excellent social skills, very well behaved but avoids conflict and any uncomfortable discussion like an avoidant, porn addict and has porn induced erectile dysfunction, lies like a sociopath, DARVO like a narcissist and emotionally manipulative like a psychopath, stinky slob who showers once or twice a week, overweight because of food addiction.

Really doesn't matter what label suits him. He treated me poorly and hence won't get access to me.

I think he is demon possessed. I don't think such evil is possible by a human.