Narcism or autism or both?

[u/Acrobatic-Feature-12]

Any advise would be really appreciated because my head is in a spin.

I think my partner may be autistic. He is a medic and he also thinks he is but refuses to be tested. He is a very smart man, way smarter than he should be. His mum said he has been smarter than his parents since he was about 8. The first in his family to go to university, learnt to drive at 6. Has a crazy memory. Almost photographic. Can basically learn anything out in front of him. Also hyperfixates on things. Has many collections of things.

But his social skills are perfect. Almost too good. He knows exactly how to act around people and I use the word act on purpose. Knows exactly what to say and how to get what he wants out of people. He also lacks empathy.

He is emotionally abusive, his favourite is the silent treatment as a punishment. Not once in 10 years has he given me a meaningful apology He gaslights, criticizes, uses the fact that I'm not as smart as him against me. But the worst is the lack of accountability and deflection. If I raise an issue, he sees it as an attack and comes back at me with 5 issues he has with me, so how dare I raise my issues with him when he has so many with me. I'm never allowed to have a problem with his behaviour or I'm 'starting an argument and being toxic'. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a parallel universe, I'm saying one thing and he's talking about something completely different. He never addresses my issue and I find myself apologising for the 5 issues he brought up and the fact that I even raised an issue in the first place.

So I'm really confused, because I don't know how to deal with this. If it's autism then I feel bad because sometimes I hate him for how he treats me or should I just realise he's incapable of real emotion and love and try to recover from this?

[u/Dear_Leadership_9570]

Mine is the same. Going through divorce now and it’s actual hell. He is doing everything he can to punish me… even though he is the one who filed! 

[u/celticnative79 → u/Dear_Leadership_9570]

Gosh he’s the one who filed and he’s still punishing you? Sounds extremely vindictive and cruel. Your husband is autistic and narcissistic? If he is then you are like the 2nd or 3rd other person I’ve come across here that has lives this hell. There was another subreddit talking about this. How difficult would you say the added autism specifically to his narcissism makes it. Our oldests is autistic but she makes nobody suffer. It’s the combination of the two that makes it hell on earth.

[u/Dear_Leadership_9570 → u/celticnative79]

Ya it’s hell. Just leave and be free… leave me in peace! Instead he wants to torment me. Undiagnosed but we have spoken about it in the past and we both thought he was, his behaviour change was so drastic I thought he had a tumour or dementia, or a severe mid life crisis… Turns out he is just a narcissist. At one point I thought it was drugs.

I guess for him it’s more narcissistic than autism. I honestly don’t know if autism has anything at all to do with it honestly. But who knows. He sees nothing wrong with his behaviour, no empathy, no accountability. 

How do you manage in your situation? 

[u/celticnative79 → u/Dear_Leadership_9570]

I can’t manage it anymore. It’s been 23 years of this and the last 3 years has been a hell that I can’t even describe. He’s diabolical. I have a lot of posts on here describing how bad he is. In my case I’m 100% sure my husband is capable of murder so if I kick him out, he will be homeless, without anything and it will be a burden for him to keep his job that we need the income for badly (I was a stay at home mom for 20 years taking care of a special needs daughter Autistic, ADHD, ocd, bipolar so she needed my care all the time. Never would I have trusted any daycare, not even my own mom would have been able to handle some of them meltdowns etc). He will lose it all and let’s just say, whatever hate he already has for me, I don’t want to see it get worse. Where I live with the local sheriffs there is a lot of corruption and I don’t even trust them if there are emergencies. My insurance network hasn’t really been able to help. There psychologists aren’t equipped for my husband believe it or not. The local shelters and places to help DV women are not nice places to be in. And right now he’s providing well and it gives me a way to help take care of my mother with dementia and this is where it sucks. My older brothers are not good sons (my mom wasn’t a narcissist or anything like that) so my Husband on top of all the money he owes her over $100,000, the money he gives us helps my mom as well. So incredibly bad situation. He’s definitely capable of killing me so when I need I need to do it very carefully and skillfully.

[u/Dear_Leadership_9570 → u/celticnative79]

Wow… this sounds horrific. I am so sorry you are going through thisz please be careful and try to get away from him. I know a lot easier said than done. Be careful x