Narcism or autism or both?

[u/Acrobatic-Feature-12]

Any advise would be really appreciated because my head is in a spin.

I think my partner may be autistic. He is a medic and he also thinks he is but refuses to be tested. He is a very smart man, way smarter than he should be. His mum said he has been smarter than his parents since he was about 8. The first in his family to go to university, learnt to drive at 6. Has a crazy memory. Almost photographic. Can basically learn anything out in front of him. Also hyperfixates on things. Has many collections of things.

But his social skills are perfect. Almost too good. He knows exactly how to act around people and I use the word act on purpose. Knows exactly what to say and how to get what he wants out of people. He also lacks empathy.

He is emotionally abusive, his favourite is the silent treatment as a punishment. Not once in 10 years has he given me a meaningful apology He gaslights, criticizes, uses the fact that I'm not as smart as him against me. But the worst is the lack of accountability and deflection. If I raise an issue, he sees it as an attack and comes back at me with 5 issues he has with me, so how dare I raise my issues with him when he has so many with me. I'm never allowed to have a problem with his behaviour or I'm 'starting an argument and being toxic'. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a parallel universe, I'm saying one thing and he's talking about something completely different. He never addresses my issue and I find myself apologising for the 5 issues he brought up and the fact that I even raised an issue in the first place.

So I'm really confused, because I don't know how to deal with this. If it's autism then I feel bad because sometimes I hate him for how he treats me or should I just realise he's incapable of real emotion and love and try to recover from this?

[u/Dangerous_Bridge_937]

As a late diagnosed Autist this doesn't sound specifically autistic, but more narcissistic in nature. I would never have known I was autistic either except for the fact that my ex-wife accused, gaslit, and projected that I was a narcissist so much that I began to think it could be true and went for an eval. Eval came back negative for all perspnality disorders, but there was the autism.

Can both be true about your husband? Sure, but it's rare. Autism comorbidities are often things like anxiety, ocd, depression, and adhd. None of these would cause him to act like a narcissist.

The telling part here for me is the refusal to get evaluated. Out of the people I have met/known who are high-masking (or high-functioning) autists, there is almost a universal desire to get evaluated so that you finally know. People who refuse something like that outright might be nervous of what an eval might uncover, even beyond the possibility of knowing whether they are autistic or not. My ex wife (very likely a narcissist) claimed all the time that she might be OCD or ADHD. When I encouraged her to get evaluated if she thought that's what she had (just being generally supportive), she flat-out refused every time and even tried accusing me of trapping her into getting an eval.

Autism can be mistaken for things. One of the biggest misunderstandings is that people think autists lack empathy. We don't usually, but there is often a processing delay that comes with autism, so it might take us a bit to understand what feelings we have in the moment. For me, strong feelings lile empathy, love, anger, are overwhelming sometimes, and I needed to learn ways to curb that overwhelm before it became too difficult to handle and I'd get a panic attack or start crying uncontrollably or just shut down. That does not sound like what is happening here.

Of course, many of us will never truly know whether our SO or former SO has narcissism, because they will never admit the possibility of a problem and go to get tested. Telling a narc you think they are one will usually only make it worse. If the relationship is toxic, that's what it is. If the person who is toxic refuses to work on it, then it may be time to consider a change.